Chapter 3: Office Oracle
BGM: ~Transport Fever OST: Green~
watch?v=fVGzzi4-8Tw
Downtown of Hell's Half Acre
The crunch and squeak of small wheels and equally small footsteps is heard as Sally and Robin march along the sidewalk down Pain St, in the center of town. The Mage hums an upbeat little tune, wearing an orange armband with the Guild Logo (really just a crude stick figure drawing of herself with a smiley face that her and Robin made) on the sleeve of her robes, and pulling her little red Radio Demon brand wagon behind her.
Robin sits in the wagon, along with some stacks of fliers and other supplies, drawing up a few more recruitment posters with a pack of crayons as she is dragged along. Although mostly she's just drawing flowers, birds, and leaves, among other things.
"Okay so, uhmm… mmmmh… we gotta find someplace where we can set up our recruitment stand!" Sally mused as she walked along, rubbing her chin with her free hand as she looked around. A 'No solicitors' signs here, and a 'This business is under Jehovah's Witness Protection racket' sign there (those guys were tough customers, and Sally was wise not to mess with them).
One establishment that made the mistake of not having any such signs posted was the Netherworld Hospital! And so the dynamic duo set about to go pester Miss Lorelei, who was at the time finishing up with her previous client; a Rifle Demon who had suffered a severe case of 'projectile dysfunction'.
Sparks flew as she used a medical-grade soldering iron to attach the last few wires, before closing the hatch on the side of the rifle arm. "There we are, all done sir." Lori spoke softly yet cheerfully, nodding once.
"Yes. YES! With this MIGHTY new weapon, I shall Blast down the mountains, Split the earth, and Melt the cities of mortals unto Ash." The Mighty demon spoke, as he raised his weapon to the ceiling, letting out a fearsome bellow. Woe betide any who went into his path.
And into his path strode Sally, pulling Robin behind her. "Hihiiiii~ Miss Lori! We need some help!"
Before Lori, who was still filing insurance paperwork for the Rifle Demon was able to respond, said great blue beast drew its weapon, leveling it at the first target to appear, that being the Mage, and fired.
A single foam dart tipped with a plastic sucker cup shot out, sticking to Sally's forehead, prompting a confused "Myuu?" from the Mage's lips.
"Hey HEY! What GIVES? This tiny whelp should have been melted into a slurry." The Demon groaned, bellowing angrily as it inspected its nerf gun hand.
"That's all that your insurance network covers. You'll have to contact your HMO agent if you want an upgrade." Lori responded, nonchalantly. "And please don't disintegrate Sally. She's one of my best customers. Actually though… never mind. Feel free. I can charge her for it later."
"Grrr… I can't disintegrate ANYTHING with this!" The Rifle demon groaned impotently. "Curses. CURSES! I'll have to spend HOURS on the phone to sort this out!" The angry monster bellowed loudly, before stomping out of the hospital, past Sally and Robin, and headed home to call his insurance agent, leaving the adventure squaddies alone with Miss Lori.
"Ahh, how can I help you today. Did you break another nail? Ahh, I see you have a new friend there. Did you fill her with gasoline?" Lori asked, always trying to anticipate the Mage's misadventures before they happen. They tend to fall into a pattern of 'burn something you're not supposed to or get beat up by someone who's things you were not supposed to burn'.
"Nope! Neither of us need healing. Actually we wanted to ask, can we put up some fliers and set up a recruitment stand outside?" Sally asked.
"Hihi! I'm Robin!" The fairy fluttered up and waved, clutching her arms around her stack of recruitment fliers.
"Ahh, pleased to meet you. My name is Lorelei. But everyone calls me Lori. I am the proprietor of this Netherworld Hospital. If you get killed during your adventures or by the Mage in general, just come to me and I'll revive you. Not free of charge of course…" She spoke, leaning down to eye level with the excitable fairy with the blue dress and pendant… not that she ever opened hers of course.
"As for the fliers, well, we do have that No Solicitors sign out there, don't we?" Lori asked.
"Nope!" Robin responded.
"Didn't see one!" Sally agreed.
Sure enough, there was a conspicuously sign-shaped discoloration on the wall of the hospital building where the sign had been pried loose. Clearly Momoko Someone had stolen it…
"Oh dear…" Lori clucked her tongue. Seems that it hasn't paid to keep her eyes closed this whole time.
"No sign no problem! Stick it on there, Robin!" Sally cheered, hopping up and raising her fist into the air.
"Ahh, wait just a sec…" Lori tried to interject, but Robin darted out there and immediately, and dramatically, stuck the flier right on with her tiny hand.
It read 'Disgaea Guild Adventure Squad'… at least in Robin's mind. To anyone else, it was just a squiggly black line. Below it was a very simple drawing of a house, representing Sally's cottage, with a tree and a swing dangling down, and three stick figures. One noticeably smaller than the others, one with a triangular body and white scribble for a ribbon on her head, and one with orange cat ears and whiskers.
That the fliers were all written on post-it notes was just the icing on the cake.
"Ahh… well… I suppose I can let you put one flier up. Though I will insist that you-" Robin stuck another flier to Lori's forehead. Then darted along to put a couple others on her desk, one onto her receipt skewer, a few in her container of band-aids, and then she abruptly stopped. The fairy having noticed a bowl of lollipops sitting on her desk.
"Hey! Hey hey hey! Nurse lady! Hey! Can I have one?" Robin asked, tugging Lori's sleeve as she fluttered.
"Hey yeah! You got a resupply! I want one toooooo~ !" Sally proclaimed, holding her hands behind her back and trying to suck up with the cutie act to get Lori to make with the sweets.
"Oh, well you see… those candies are for paying customers only." Lori spoke, taking some of the wind out of both Robin and Sally's sails.
However, the ever-resourceful Mage was quick to make a suggestion.
"Okay! Come here Robin! Lemme hurt you real good! Then we can get candy!" Sally suggested, holding up her staff like a baseball bat and getting ready to swing a home run.
"Hmm… oh! Actually! Before you do that… Why don't you go down to the Village Bulletin Board? You can put up all the fliers you want there, and then visit the Candy Shop. They have far more lollipops there, and gumdrops and chocolates and butterscotch too!" Lori exclaimed, alarmed, trying to avoid any violence against fairies in her establishment.
"Hurt me good, Sally… I mean… uhm… hoaaaaa… that sounds like a lot of candy!" Robin quickly turned her attention to Lori, hinging on her every word.
"We don't have any money though!" Sally admitted.
Lori shrugged. Of course she didn't. "Well… maybe if you do your best and try hard enough, a rich and generous donor will come out and give you some to help finance your little adventure club."
"Hmm… that's a good thought! Let's head to the village square!" The Mage proclaimed, raising her hand in a pointing gesture upward to the ceiling and hopping into her trademark pose, before she scampered out the door, dragging her wagon along, with Robin fluttering along at top speed.
"Bye bye miss nurse lady!" Robin waved back, as she darted off into the ether.
"Bye bye. Remember! We're always here if you get thrashed~ ❤" Lori waved to the departing duo, before sighing to herself. There was something unusual about that fairy, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. Oh well, she felt it was an exposition for another chapter, and headed back to work.
BGM: ~Disgaea D2 OST: Hello! My dream~
watch?v=b6UAYOLrBwA
Village Bulletin Board – Near the Candy Shop
After their short but eventful visit to Lori's hospital, the dynamic duo of Mage and Fairy had finally found a place in the center of town to set up their stand. While Robin fluttered on the bulletin board, sticking post-it notes everywhere (most of them were blank. She had only had time to draw like four actual posters), Sally put up a small stand consisting of two wooden barrels with a board over the top.
"Come join the Disgaea Guild Adventure Squaaaaaad! We're opening up recruitment for, like, super cool adventurers to join our party!" She exclaimed, ringing a little jingle bell she pulled out of her holiday decoration collection. Like a slightly cuter one of those mall Santas you see around Christmas time in the human world. Also like a mall Santa, she set up a small mason jar with a coin slit cut into the lid in the hopes that someone will give her some HL to buy candy with.
Yeah that's not likely to happen in this town.
"Uhm… yeah! Take it from me! I'm a Fae-rie! Join the… uhm… Disgaea… Squad… Adventure Thingy!" She proclaimed as loudly as she could, but her small and dainty fairy lungs were easily drowned out by the shrill voice of the Mage and her bell.
While a few of the local residents gave her surly glares and odd glances, most of them just walked by without a word. Only a few ever bothered to give the duo the dignity of verbal abuse.
"Pipe down, you scatterbrained pipsqueak!" A rather nasty sounding gargoyle spoke from the corner of its stone mouth as it hopped toward the dimensional gate.
"No you!" The Mage responded, sticking her tongue out, before ringing her bell louder.
"Adventure Squad? That sounds lame, nya!" A passing Nekomata jeered as she headed toward the nail salon.
"It does nooooooot!" Sally retorted, starting to wiggle and squirm in place.
"Stick it up yer bloomin arse yae bonebag shrew, Gii!" A plaid colored Eryingi spat back, with a thick Gaelic accent for some reason, as it scuttled along heading up the road.
Sally was fuming now, having forgotten the golden rule that these people are all Demons and, in the grand scheme of things, are kind of jerks by nature. She scoffed and pouted audibly. Inflating her cheeks like a squirrel. "Pout, pout, pout!"
"Uhm… you just said 'pout' out loud." Robin pointed out, fluttering at around shoulder height to the Mage, having been distracted from her conversation with a hanging basket of flowers dangling off the bulletin board. "I'm sure if we keep it up, we'll find some kind of adventurer! Someone's gotta want to join."
And sure enough, someone did start approaching. A short head of auburn hair. An off-green dress with white accents. And a great sword slung over her back. Most notable of all, was the rather formidable bust that led the way, putting the Mage and Fairy's respective ironing boards to shame.
"Magic Knight!" The Mage called out, ringing her bell even louder and starting to wiggle restlessly. "Oooh, oooh! Magic Knight! Magic Knight! We're starting, like, a super awesome adventure guild! Please join!"
"Yes yes I heard…" The woman spoke dismissively, as she approached the board. "I am Esmerelda the Magic Knight. Slayer of Demons, Monsters, and Mortals alike. And you, little girl, are rather bothersome. I'm trying to see real offers for adventurers but instead you've put… let's see… how many packets of sticky notes all over the advert board?"
"That's all the ones Kimberley had in her kitchen drawer!" Robin spoke proudly.
"B...bothersome!?" Sally scoffed. During the course of this journey she'd been called a number of names that do not bear repeating in polite company, including quite a few which would only be intelligible to a Russian factory worker, but bothersome was a new low.
"Indeed. As you can plainly see, I'm better than you. Look at yourself. Young. Idealistic. Dim-witted! I've fought through Blair Forest, the Sea of Gehenna, and the Cold Wastes of Jotuunheim before. And in doing so I've earned the right, nay, the privilege, of talking down to you!" The woman spoke, putting her hands on her hips and jutting her chest out, clearly attempting to assert her dominance as the alpha female.
"H…hey! We survived a forest fire! And played on a swing set! And played hide-and-seek with stuffed animals! Those are all really big quests!" Robin announced, trying to look tough and imposing, though due to being roughly ten times smaller than the Knight, it wasn't particularly effective.
"Hey yeah! We Mages are, like, way cuter than big dumb super awesome knights like you!" Sally exclaimed, sticking her tongue out at the taller woman, incensed at such trash talking! The nerve of her!
"Cuter? Oh ho ho ho. Don't make me laugh. We Magic Knights are by far the most elegant, charming, beautiful, and mysterious of fair maidens in the Netherworld. We all get hundreds of boyfriends and endless contracts from adventure guilds across the land! Your 'cute' doesn't even hold a candle!" She spoke, crossing her arms over her chest, lording it all over the shorter Mage.
"Myuuuuuuu! Nuh uh! We Mages are, like, so cute we're a starting class! Every overlord has to have a Mage join their party. We're super sweet and innocent and have better stat-growth and use less SP and everything!" Sally fired back.
"Mhm, maybe. In the early game. Face it! You're just a worse, inferior, training-wheels version of a proper Magic Knight. We don't just use one element; we use all of the elements! We also get to use a sword! I bet you could barely wield a candy cane!" She exclaimed, drawing her impressive blade: A rank 27 Swordsman's Legend, imbued with magical gems and with a piece of masking tape on the side that read 'Esmerelda's Sword: Do not steal!'.
"I can too wield a candy cane! You just gotta lick the end of it to a point and stab people with it!" She exclaimed. She tried assassinating Santa Claus with it once, but the sucker knows kung-fu so she just got beaten up.
"And I can wield this!" Robin exclaimed, brandishing a tiny little twig she had been using as a magic wand.
"Oh. That's cute." The Magic Knight rolled her eyes sarcastically. "And what about you. You're a fairy, right? Where's your lantern, hmm? All a Fairy's magic is stored within. Without it, you're just a slightly dumber looking bird!"
"I have this Pendant though!" Robin pointed out, holding up her precious thing. The odd crystal hewn locket she always kept to herself.
The knight swiped her hand down and grasped the pendant, pulling it right off of Robin's head. Seems she got lucky despite having only a 50% max steal stat! "No no no! My pendant! My pendant! Give it baaaaack! I'll die without it! Give it back, give it back, give it baaaaaack!" The fairy whined, darting at the knight like an angry sparrow trying to grab at it.
The knight just swatted her backwards with a backhand slap. "Oh? No, this looks like a magical trinket of some value. I'll tell you what. You can have it back if and only if you can defeat me in battle!"
"We'll wipe that stupid smile off your face! We'll tickle you so hard you pee! Just give me back my pendant pleeeeaaaassseeee! I'll really die without it!" Robin exclaimed, waffling between juvenile anger and hysterical terror as her soul pendant is dangled before her.
"You're on!" Sally exclaimed, equipping her staff. "We're, like, totally gonna burn you to a crisp! And prove once and for all that Mages are the cuter, stronger, super awesomest bestest class, like, ever! C'mon Robin, we'll show her!"
"Hmmfp! In that case, en-garde, foolish Mage." The Knight spoke, before leaping up into the air, performing an elegant backflip while drawing her blade, and landing in a vacant lot across the street which was to be their battlefield. Convienently pre-prepared with a grid laid out and a checkerboard of random geo panels. Mostly used for the local school sports team to practice.
"Alright! Disgaea Guild Adventure Squad! Ready for baaaaaattleeeeeee!" Sally squealed her warcry, sounding adorably shrill as she charged forward with reckless abandon, Robin fluttering close behind. They had to get that pendant back no matter what!
BGM: ~Disgaea 4 OST (Arrange): Lord Willing~
watch?v=LIMqbSXOBSA
Meanwhile, at the Dark Assembly
"…and the forest fire remains only 20% contained. While the investigation is still ongoing, Netherworld Dept. of Fish and Wildlife states that Arson is the most probable cause. While the prevailing winds and firebreaks have kept the town of Hell's Half Acre safe, the local county seats of Luciferdale and Prinny Acres are currently engulfed in flames. Hundreds are feared dead and thousands of acres of woodland have been scorched. We will keep you updated as fire crews continue to work around the clock.
We now go live to our Sports Desk. In the Netherworld Wrestler's Association grand championship tournament, where reigning galaxy-weight champion El Grappadura completely crushed the challenger, the Masked Hero known only as Pringerman with his trademark incendiary leglock…" The Nether-News report played over the break room television, the speaking Usagi doll and wordless Mascot girl on screen as Kimberley sat at her desk, working on yet more paperwork.
Another glut of bill submissions had come through, and due to the unexplained absence of several of the other senators, Kimberley was once more called in to fill them out. With a thermos of hot tea on her desk to give her the fortitude to stamp Yea or Nay a few more times, she began to flip through the bills.
Top of the pile was a bill entitled "In battle, I must be paid in Food Items rather than HL." by one 'Mochi the Sea Angel', who seemed particularly hungry. Despite the advice of the Netherworld animal control agency, Sea Angels have become habituated to being fed by the locals. In order to avoid any complications or attacks on fishermen, Kimberley just went ahead and stamped 'YEA' on the bill.
Next was a bill from a 'Bruce the Almighty Holy Dragon'. His bill proposed "I must get more Air Time." Now due to vague wording, this bill could be interpreted a number of ways. The one which the assembly lawyers had gone with was that 'I want to be in the sky more'. A simple and cheap solution would just be to use Sally's Prinny trebuchet. Doing so would have the added benefit of giving Kimberley reason to confiscate it from her so she wouldn't use it on her Prinnies anymore, thus killing (or rather preventing the killing of) two birds with one… bird? YEA.
Below that one was a bill entitled "No touching rule eliminated!" by one 'Nazgull the Petite Orc'. Immediately a frown went across Kimberley's face. As sinful and evil as Demons were, even they have some standards. Inappropriate touching without prior fiscal agreement and paperwork would surely displease both the Nekomata and Succubus parties. Though it might make the slime parties a little giddy. Ugh. Best to nip this one in the bud. NAY.
After that, there was one entitled "Nap Times Mandatory!" by 'Scratchy the Catsaber'. While it seemed perfectly fine of a bill, and Kimberley reached toward her 'Yea' stamp without thinking, the thought soon crossed her mind that, if everyone is napping, the Catsabers have a clean shot at each and every one of the senators' jugular veins. She isn't wrong to think this as a cleverly disguised plan for a literal decapitation strike. Wisely, she votes NAY.
Of course, Kimberley isn't the only one working the dark assembly that day. A few doors down, over in the Netherfinance department, Momoko is doing her own rounds, processing the various bribes, kickbacks, and extortion payments into clean money. Unfortunately, her supplies are starting to run low.
"Kimberley! We're running low on money laundering detergent. We could also use more dryer sheets, nyao. Someone's gotta go to the store." Momoko commented, as she walked into the Archer's office.
Kimberley was in the process of reviewing a piece of legislation from the Bachiel party entitled "Hard Liquor for Everyone!" Co signed by the Pirate party. Which, while it certainly sounded like a fun evening, probably would have the Netherworld Hospital yelling at them when they get tired of paying for all the dialysis machines they'd eventually have to buy because of it.
She's filing that one away for later. It'd be best right before the Assembly takes its annual recess.
"I'm afraid I'm busy with paperwork right now." Kimberley spoke, as she put the stack of bills together, and began lovingly sorting them. The 'YEA' bills into a neat little pile on her desk. The 'NAY' bills into an express chute to the incinerator.
If there's one thing no one in the assembly likes doing, it's the ol' 'detergent run'. Even though the Dark Assembly office is like a block away from the RosenQueen shop. Normally they'd send the official assembly Prinny lackey to take care of it, but something, something, Red Mage, something, something, prinny-juice-cleanse fad, something, something, car crusher.
At just that moment, Yasumi arrived from the project management and dark offerings department. The Shaman was munching on what appeared to be a delicious red apple, but on closer inspection was revealed to be a freshly extracted human heart.
"Hey! Yasumi!" Momoko cheered, leaping over with catlike tread to land in front of the Shaman. "Detergent run! Onyourmarkgetsetgo! Rock! Paper! Scissors!" She exclaimed, talking and moving as fast as possible to catch the curse-crafter off guard.
"Woahwoahwoah! That too fast!" The shaman exclaimed, tossing the half-eaten heart aside and throwing with her still bloody hands! Rock, paper… rock! "Rock beat scissors! Rock also beat paper. Can hit person holding paper with rock. Break skull. Release brain within."
"Yeah well it can't beat this!" Momoko provided only a middle finger, flicking Yasumi in the nose with it. "Nya ha ha ha! I win!"
"This stupid game! You are cheating at stupid game!" Yasumi huffed, grumbling a bit and trying to come up with a curse to hex Momoko with. She'll probably just send a fake chain letter e-mail to her later. "If want me go to store, give taxpayer monies to buy supplies with. Not paying out of pocket without reimbursement."
"No can do, nyao. Gotta save my embezzlement cheque to get better equipment for that adventure squad thing." And to bribe the cops if they come asking about the forest.
"Adventure Squad?" Yasumi asked, rubbing her chin and raising an eyebrow to just above one of the fangs on her skull hat. "Tell more."
"Oh, my neighbor and Momoko have joined an adventure guild. It might bring some activity to the local shops if they get it popular enough, or at least give them something to do for a while." Kimberley spoke, keeping an ear to the conversation.
"Yah. Dunno if I have high hopes for it, nyao. Might be fun to take into the item world if we can get a few more members." Momoko responded, still on the fence about the efficacy of this whole 'adventure guild' angle. It's certainly been livelier around town since it started at least.
"Adventure squad good. Good vehicle to spread misfortune. Suffering. FEAR. TERROR. Offerings to Dolvalky. More hearts! More souls! Red fire breath Mage girl runs it, yeh?" Yasumi asked. She hasn't really had any firsthand encounters with the Mage, but is aware of all the mayhem she tends to cause. Surprising really. The two would make great friends...
"Yep. Her and a little fairy we found in the woods." Momoko nodded.
"Yes about those woods…" Kimberley looked up from her desk, with a suspicious gaze.
"Wasn't me!" Momoko was quick to go on the defensive. "I will testify against that in the dark court if subpoenaed, nyao."
Kimberley sighed and closed up the ledger she was reading. She kind of figured the Mage had something to do with it. As long as it was the forest that was on fire and not her tea garden, she didn't care much.
"Fairy? Forest fires! Sense many opportunities for misfortune. Many offerings to Almighty. Going to go talk to find Red fire girl. Can curse?" She asked, her eyes shining a baleful orange, a sharp toothed crocodile smile appearing on her face.
"Sure. Knock your socks off. As long as I get my cut of the loot, nyao~ " Momoko responded, with her own Cheshire cat grin, before heading back into her department to start cleaning up the coins pulled out of the fountain at the center of town.
"Magnificent! Will prepare best curses! Best offerings! Sacrifice for Dolvalky! Good for Dark Assembly bottom line. Am going now!" Yasumi did a little curse dance out of excitement, before heading out to go track down this Red Mage.
"Don't forget the detergent! And the dryer sheets!" Momoko yelled from her office as the Shaman left.
"And please pick up more ink and toner. We're low on that too!" Kimberley added as well.
BGM: ~Disgaea 3 OST: 果てしなき進軍~
watch?v=q6gUc_t3xy4
Back in town
"MEGA FIIIIRRREEEEE!" The shrill voice of the Mage bellowed out, as she twirled her staff around with sugary glee. Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! A rain of lava-like spheres fell from above, landing in a random pattern all around on the far side of the field.
For her part, Esmerelda dodged with deftness and ease. Those fireballs she couldn't dodge she was easily able to parry with her sword, which she had wisely charged with ice. An anathema to the hyperactive Magician's power.
"Hmmfp! And I even had mind to expect a challenge from you." She taunted. Once the Mage's spell had timed out, she shifted back upright, firmly placing herself upon the EVADE geo panel she had used to swing herself around.
"Myuuuuu! Just you waaaaait! I'm gonna have an even stronger, prettier, and awesomest more better spell than you could ever imaaagiiiine! Just… gotta wait till next turn to see it." She huffed, grumbling and pouting audibly as she wiggled side to side angrily. She was getting frustrated with this fight already, although in her mind there was no reason she should be losing. Despite the obvious disparity in equipment, skill, stats, geo panels, and bust size.
"It's okay Sally. Cheer up! We'll get that pendant back! Do your best!" Robin cheered, before turning to the Magic knight. "Please give my pendant back though! I neeeed iiiiiiiit! It's all I have left!" She clasped her tiny hands together and cried a bit, trying to appeal to the Magic Knight's sense of decency.
Pff, yeah right. Decency. In a Demon.
"Hmmfp. Tell you what, little Fairy. I'll give you a chance. Impress me with a spell better than that Mage, and maybe I'll give you this little trinket back!" The dour Knight scoffed, having no intention of making good on said promise even if Robin does do something impressive.
"You can do it Robin! It's still our turn! Just do your best. Show us the Fairy's strongest skill, like, in the whole big wide forest!" Sally cheered.
"Okay! But only if she gives me back my pendant! Here goes!" Robin huffs, and puffs, and throws her arms into the air, and in a brief poof of smoke, summons several small firecrackers like those one would see on Prinnypendence day. The firecrackers and sparklers shoot off, popping all around, as Robin does some kind of mid-air cheerleading routine.
"SP up! Int up! Stat boost! Stat boost rah rah rah!" She continued to do a little fairy dance, pirouetting around in mid air and shaking her hips around "Sally's best! Burns the rest! Win win win!"
And with that, her little dance routine comes to an end. The Mage hopped up and down on her heels giddily, clapping in approval.
"Waaah! That was the best dance, like, ever! I feel super duper powered up!" She exclaims, as the stat boost that Robin put upon her kicked in, raising her SP by… like ten points. "Uhm… oh…" She sighs as she realizes that said dance, for all its flash and flair, didn't actually help a whole lot…
"Hmm…. Mhm… ahahahahahaha! Pathetic!" The knight scoffs, laughing in a thin imitation of a high-class accent, before stuffing the pendant in her cleavage, and then casting another round of magic onto her blade.
"And by that pitiful excuse for an… attack was it? You've conceded your turn. Now it's mine…." She spoke. A mighty whirlwind rushed from all around, surrounding Esmerelda and launching her skyward! Lightning from the clouds up in the sky struck down, charging up her sword, before she swung it down in a gigantic and mighty electrical tornado, which landed upon the Mage and Fairy, churning up the land, grabbing all the loose items in the area, and spinning and zapping them all around.
"OWOWOWOWOWOWOOW!" Screamed the Mage.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Chirped the Fairy.
The raging vortex cast the duo out, splatting them on the ground, and leaving them both scorched, with little rips and burn marks on their clothing, and their hair all poofy and frizzy from the electric charge.
BGM: ~Makai Kingdom OST: Demons Party~
watch?v=fN3_AE3CqHw
At the RosenQueen store
The squeaky wheels of a shopping cart rolled across the tile floor of the RosenQueen shop. Yasumi was dutifully making her way through the housewares section, getting the required objects for the dark assembly, and after a quick pop over to the deli to see if they had more human liver in stock, she headed to checkout, pulling out of her inventory a leather wallet which was probably originally someone's face at some point
"Have Detergent! Have Sheets! But Ink only in off-brand cartridge. Curse for you! Now here is RosenQueen charge card. Since I Senator, I get discount. Also, you know I get curse credit! Well… of course you know!" The Shaman proclaimed, speaking to the frozen, terrified looking face of the petrified statue of the shopkeeper who had the misfortune of failing to stock the appropriate toner.
It was at that moment that the blast from the Knight's sword burst upon the land, shaking the building to the frame and creating quite a lightshow in the distance. "Fine fine. Have to go. Things exploding. Keep change." She spoke, throwing a handful of hellmark coins at the statue's face, before making her way to the battlefield to investigate.
A small crowd had gathered, only to be flung away or sent fleeing after the mighty spell crashed down. Yasumi's faintly glowing orange eyes spotted two figures crumpled and smoldering on the ground. A single Red Mage, and an odd Fairy, both singed and cooked to perfection. This was an opportunity no shaman worth her salt would pass up. Misfortune, suffering, and delicious, delicious roasted meat.
"Ahahahah. As much as it pains… no, entertains me to have to say it, I told you so." The Knight sheathed her sword over her back, and then crossed her arms, looking down on the Magician and Fae, as they groaned and smoldered before her.
"Uuuh… my pendant…" Robin cried a bit, a heart wrenching mewling noise at her imminent soon-to-be un-existance.
"N…noooo… you totally suuuuuuuck!" The Mage tried to raise a middle finger to the knight, but it was all just too painful through her totally fried nervous system.
"Mmh. I suggest you keep to yourselves next time. Your dumb guild isn't going to go anywhere if all you have is weaklings in it. There isn't a class in this Netherworld that can even hope to challenge… me…!?"
"Hello. Want curse?"
The Magic Knight was stopped mid sentence, and then slooooowly tuuuuuurned to face the ominous voice that just spoke out behind her. "E…excuse me?"
BGM: ~Disgaea 2 OST: Dark Zone~
watch?v=DQImSxSYDe8
"Want? Cuuuuuuurse?"
Yasumi was perched up on a dumpster just behind Esmerelda, crouched on the lid, and looking down upon her. A hungry, wicked smile was on her face, her throat-chomping sharp teeth on display, head slowly tilting to one side, making sickening wet creaking noises as it twisted just a liiiil' bit outside of the normal range of motion of the human neck.
"N…no…" Esmerelda responded. That arrogant, haughty manner that she had just had evaporated in a second, being replaced by a mousey, defensive mewl. Shamans, known for being gleefully enthusiastic about spreading lifelong blights and horrid afflictions, were widely feared by most Demons. Even hardened knights knew better than to trifle with them.
"Will trade roasted demons. For Curse." She spoke, pointing at the Mage and Fairy. It honestly wasn't clear if she was deliberately menacing the Knight or if she legitimately thought her blights were at all desirable.
"I… I don't want any curses. S…stay back!" Esmerelda drew her sword again, holding it in front of her, as Yasumi slowly stood to her feet, holding her staff above her head, raising one foot, then the other, in a cursed dance, her skull atop her head blocking out the sun, leaving only a pair of eyes glowing in the backlit shadow. The totems of feathers, finger bones, and sinew wrapped around her wrists and ankles jiggling and shaking as she continued her sacred dance.
"Not want curses? Curses want you! Killed Mage. Killed Fairy. Meat for me. Curses for you. Exchange good in eyes of Dolvalky. He pleased. You afflicted! Give yourself to Dolvalky or get Curse!" The shaman proclaimed, continuing to hop up and down in an increasingly manic dance, her eyes glowing a deeper shade of orange the longer this went on.
"No! No exchange! No curses! I… if you even dare, I will destroy you in an instant! I'm… I am Esmerelda the Magic Knight! Adventurer extraordinaire! You will fall by my blade before you can cast a single debuff!" She exclaims, making a classic mistake of saying just a bit too much.
"Esmerelda! True name! Good! Last thing needed to bind curse to you!" Yasumi spoke evilly, as storm clouds bellowed overhead, blotting out the sun. An ill wind began to blow, causing leaves to swirl around. "Now! Cure time! In name of Dolvalky! God of Misfortune! Surrender FLESH! Surrender ANGST! OPEN YOUR SOUL TO BLESSINGS OF GOD! CUUUUUUUUURSE!"
"No! NO! NOOOOOOO!" Esmerelda reeled, screaming as a sudden whirlwind of inky black… something wrapped around her! Was this some kind of flesh-eating spell destined to transform her into a skeleton!? Or shrink her down to the size of a rat?! Well, something was certainly shrinking, as the knight suddenly felt a looseness in the front of her bra, and the pendant she was holding there clattered to the ground. And then, in an instant, the vortex dispelled, to reveal a shocking and unholy affliction beyond even her worst nightmares!
"Kekeke! Curse of Harada. You are flat chested now!"
Sure enough, the Magic Knight's bust size has shrunk to such a size below A-cup that even the Mage would be able to lord it over her.
"Wha…what have you done?! D…do you know how much those cost me?! They got me through college! N…noooooooo!" The knight screamed, absolutely mortified at the sudden transformation.
"Yes! YES! Suffeeeer in name of Dolvalky!" The shaman cheered wildly.
"It's… it's not fair!" The knight began to sniffle and cry. "Isssnootfaaaaaaair! J…. just you wait… this isn't the end! I… I'll get you all for this! Waaaaahhhhhh!" Clutching her now-too-large bra and shirt, the magic knight just ran home, crying like a little girl, leaving behind Robin's amulet as she ran off.
"More tears! Offerings for Dolvalky! Keep them coming!" The Shaman continued to dance her dance of horrors for a moment, as the sun came back out and the clouds dispelled.
BGM: ~Makai Kingdom OST: Grand Finale~
watch?v=zl5B1RlhhQE
Robin then came right back to life, darting over to the pendant and holding it up above her head triumphantly. "Yeaaaaaah! We won we won! I'm gonna live forever!" She cheered, fluttering up and doing little loop-de-loops in mid air out of sheer joy.
"Eheheheheh! We, like, totally showed her, didn't we?" The charred Mage hopped up as well, getting a second wind of strength. "I… I mean, she helped too, but mostly it was us!" No true demon would give more than a moment's gratitude for a rescue to a stranger, naturally.
Well, except Robin of course. "Thank you miss scary bone lady! If you hadn't helped, I'd be absolutely dea-"
"MORE CUUUUURRRRRRSE!" Yasumi resumed her dance of affliction. Pestilence flowed from her staff, aimed directly at Sally and Robin.
"Waaaaaaaaah, I can't see!" The Mage squealed.
"Fill your eyes with Double Vision!" Yasumi cheered, as she watched the Mage stumble around, with her gaze all distorted and blurry like. Hope she has contacts at home.
"Aieeeeee!" Robin chirped, but then stopped until she realized… "…wait uhm. What was my curse again?"
"Have summery hair now." Yasumi replied. Sure enough, Robin's hair had taken on a slightly lighter colored sheen.
"Oh, uhm. 'Aaaahhhh?'" Robin made a weak, insincere howl of terror.
"Wait, uhm… why did you save us anyway?" Sally asked, talking in the general direction of the blurry mocha-colored object she figured was Yasumi.
"So can eat. Flesh is singed just the way I like it." Yasumi responded, hungrily.
"Wait, you saved us so you could ea-?" Yasumi chomped on the Mage's arm, prompting her to squeal and flail desperately. "OWOWOWOWOWOW!"
Immediately she spit it right back out. "ACK! Pteh…pteh… is sweetest thing ever tasted! Blood like pure sugar! Misfortune of diabetes! Ech…ckhaaahh…" She spit a few times, trying to get the overwhelming sugary flavor of Sally out of her mouth.
"Ow ow ow! No biting!" Sally bonked the cannibalistic shaman on the head with her staff, though it just made a hollow sound against her skull hat.
"Here, I'll help!" Robin fluttered to the rescue, waving around a twig she found like a magic wand, casting the Netherworld's weakest heal spell on Sally's bite wound. It managed to stop the bleeding, but also caused a few clover leafs to grow out of her arm. Robin's main talent is to cause plants to grow, apparently.
"Okay so… uhm… now what?" Sally asked, incredulously. Hopefully safe from being cannibalized, and hopefully able to find herself back to Lori for an Espoir spell.
"Red hair Mage. You Kimberley's neighbor. Starting adventure guild yeh?" Yasumi asked, disappointed that the Mage is unpalatable, but still possibly seeing her as a vessel for dispersing ever greater horrors to the world in her God's name.
"Ooh! Ooh! Mhm, mhm! That's me! And we totally are!" Sally suddenly perked up, thumping her chest proudly as she did.
"My name Yasumi. Shaman. Work with Kimberley at Dark Assembly. Heard about Guild from cat thief. Want join. Want spread word of Dolvalky. Spread curse! Curse for Curse God. Kekekeke."
"OOH! New recruit! New recruit! My name is Sally, and we're the Disgaea Guild Adventure Squad! We're gonna, like, totally take over the Netherworld with our cutie antics, and get EXP and level up and find more items. Quick! Robin! Get the signup sheet and pen!" The Mage excitedly commanded.
"S…sugoi!" Robin saluted, before darting over to the wagon and grabbing one of the signup sheets the duo had made, as well as a Prinny pen. Fluttering back, she handed both over to the Mage, who held it out towards the blurry shape that was, presumably, Yasumi.
"That's a telephone pole." Robin pointed out.
"Sally. Good name for Mage. Dolvalky now know name. Many misfortunes to come. Kekeke!" She spoke, grinning evilly as she took the pen and paper from the red-head and began to write her name and contact info.
NAME: Yasumi the Shaman
CLASS: Dark Elder
LV: 99
Blood Type: OAAA
Place of residence: Shaman town
Describe yourself here: *she drew a bunch of mind-rending occult voodoo-esque sigils and brands to her God. Looking at them too long would probably induce madness.*
"Awww Yeaaaaaah! New recruit! New recruuuuuuit!" Sally cheered, having with the addition of a shaman just become the most menacing adventure guild in the Netherworld. Then again. She's also the only adventure guild in this Netherworld, so… small reference pools.
"Yes! YES! Now let spread curse to all who hold joy in their hearts! But first have to take things back to dark assembly. Printer still empty. Will come by guild HQ later and curse. Okei?" She asked, shrugging her shoulders, her tone of voice expressing displeasure at not being able to play right now.
"Okay! We'll make a special place for you in our guild!" Robin cheered. Her contributions so far being collecting a few special pillows and blankets for everyone in the guild to sit on and snuggle up on cold days.
"Yes! Throne of skulls, seat of bones! Fur skinned from animals. Cozy!" She suggested, before waving goodbye on her path back to the dark assembly.
"Bye-nii!" Robin waved back, before fluttering around excitedly. "C'mon! Let's head back to the HQ and get some… uhm… bones?" It took a few seconds for that to go through Robin's head, but she shrugged and decided to roll with it, fluttering off back toward the house.
"Hey wait for me! I can only run so fas- OOF!" The mage grunted, slamming face first into the telephone pole, before falling flat on her back and splaying out on the ground, out cold.
BGM: ~Disgaea 1 OST: Hell's Whisper~
watch?v=egaXyeBcJGw
That night, back at Sally's house
After a long day of recruitment, a brief trip back to Lori's office to un-Foriegner-ify her eye sockets, and finally, triumphantly, being able to claim that bowl full of lollipops, the Adventure Squad returned home as the evening wound down.
While Kimberley was no doubt regretting that Yasumi and her boundless glee at slinging curses at people had joined the guild, given the mischief that would surely come back to haunt her, the deed was done. Hey, at least it'd get Yasumi out of the office for a while, which would probably be a net gain for her since she wouldn't have to file a lot of surprise paperwork upon discovering that several of the supposedly missing Dark Assembly senators had been ritually sacrificed in one of the janitor's closets. Spreading the nightmare around would be better in the long run… right?
But now the day is done. After a long hot soak in a hot bubble bath to ease away the day's aches and pains, and a few hours of lazing around, watching anime, and reading comics, Sally and Robin went off to bed.
The Mage snoozed oh-so-adorably, wrapped in her pastel pink sheets, with naught but her ribbon and the top of her red head sticking out, making tiny little snores and coos as she was apt to do.
Robin lay atop the sheet at the foot of the bed, still wide awake, as the moonlight shone in rays down through the open blinds covering the window. She gazed up at the sky, the stars glowing and twinkling, matching the feeling in her heart.
She gazed down at the pendant that hung around her neck, at the gem within, the pendant they had fought so hard for, remembering what little she could of days gone by. A premonition came through her, as she thought she saw a face amongst the constellations in the sky.
'I've finally done it. I've finally made some real friends.' She thought to herself. Even though said friends are a sociopathic pyromaniac, a kleptomaniac catgirl, and a terrifying disciple of a god of despair.
She remembered a poem she had heard somewhere. Something about wishing upon a star. The fairy kicked her legs up behind her, looking up at the biggest, brightest star she could find, and closed her eyes.
"I finally have friends. Wish you were here, to come and meet them…" She spoke, very softly, as not to wake up the Mage.
A funny thing about wishes. When you live in a world where magic truly abounds, they often have a funny way of coming true in the least expected ways…
Chapter 3 - End
NEXT EPISODE:
BGM: ~Grand Theft Auto 5 OST: Marriage Counseling~
watch?v=s9F4ibj9pfc
Kimberley: "In the City of Los Diablos. Where glitz and glamour meets grime and corruption, three hardened criminals come together for a job.
Sally, the wheel-mage and street racing champion."
The Mage drives by in a pink, battery-operated toy jeep, trying to drift along the cul-de-sac.
Kimberley: "Momoko, the retired bank robber trying to hold her dysfunctional family together!"
Momoko: "You forget thousands of things every day, nyao. But I can't remember where I put my prybar! I bet you gave it to that Yoga Prinny you're dating!" She pouts toward her unfaithful wife, Robin.
Robin: "Stealing is wrong and you're a terrible husband! Nuuh..." The fairy stuck her tongue out at the thief.
Kimberley: "And Yasumi, the terrifying psychopath who runs guns and curses through the Sea of Gehenna."
Blood splatters the camera as Yasumi, with a deranged, maniacal smile on her grin, takes a hatchet to an unfortunate demon offscreen, while screaming "DOLVALKY WANTS HIS MONEY!"
Kimberley: "Together, these inept criminals come together, forced to commit ill deeds by Prinny gang leaders, corrupt Dark Assembly officials, and ruthless foriegn gangsters!"
Etna: "If I don't get my ultra-dessert by nightfall, my goons are gonna start pulling your teeth out.. wait no, forcing you to brush your teeth. Now GET TO WORK!"
Kimberley: "Next time, on Grand Theft Prinny 5: Sally's Big Score!"
CJ: Aww s***, here we go again...