Thanks for the review Love. Fiction. 2020!
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Amaya fell asleep late that night, her mind too full of dark thoughts to relax. She groaned as her alarm went off the next morning, signalling the start of a new day of training. She rolled over onto her back, staring at the ceiling in silence. Before long, memories of the night before came pouring back, and Amaya got up out of bed before she could dwell on them for too long.
Remembering with a pang that Ben would not be knocking on her door for breakfast this morning - or possibly any other morning for the foreseeable future, Amaya went down to breakfast alone. She sat down next to Tai, Hennix and Voe, all of whom seemed more quiet than usual.
"Did anyone bring Ben breakfast?" Amaya asked as she began to eat.
"I would have but it's hard to carry stuff with my leg the way it is." Voe said as the boys shook their heads no.
"I'll be right back then." Amaya said, standing up and leaving her own plate on the table.
She took an extra plate from the kitchen and walked towards Ben's room, unsure how to greet him after the night before. Her anger towards him had evaporated sometime during the night, leaving behind in its wake only a vague numbness tainted by concern.
"Hey." Amaya said as she entered his room, not at all surprised to see he was already awake.
Ben looked up from the book he was reading, looked surprised and somewhat confused to see her.
"I brought you breakfast." Amaya said, placing the plate on his lap as he put away his book.
"I see that." Ben said, taking hold of the plate.
"You're surprised." Amaya said pointedly.
"After last night I just assumed you hated me." Ben said, his tone light bit his eyes betraying his true feelings.
Amaya sighed, closing the door and taking a seat next to his bed. "I don't forgive you." She said, rather matter of factly, "But I'm not mad anymore, I'm just- I don't know...tired?"
Ben made no reply, so Amaya continued. "I'm also worried." Amaya said, "About you."
At this, Ben frowned, surprise registering on his face for the second time.
"Well not just about you. About all of us really. It feels like Snoke has us all dangling from strings like marionettes."
Ben still made no reply and Amaya looked over at him. "And I don't want you to leave." She said after a moment. "You would break Luke's heart if you went to join Snoke - not to mention you'd break the hearts of Tai, Voe and Hennix and your parents-"
"That's an exaggeration." Ben replied. "My dad probably wouldn't even care. My mother would probably be more concerned about her reputation than anything else and Luke would see it as a personal failure. He wouldn't care that I'm gone, he'd just see it as him losing a battle. Voe would probably be happy to see me go and Tai and Hennix would definitely get over it."
"They would all be heartbroken, Ben. You didn't see the way people reacted when you were injured. Voe cried." Amaya retorted.
"Probably for show." Ben sneered and Amaya stared at him, unbelieving.
"Right because it would just be so impossible for her to actually care about you." Amaya said sarcastically.
Ben shrugged. "It is impossible."
"You're impossible." Amaya replied, rolling her eyes.
"I know." Ben said quietly and Amaya whipped her head up to stare at him. Something about the way he easily accepted her insult disturbed her.
A knock sounded on the door, causing both Ben and Amaya to jump. The door opened a moment later, admitting a woman with grey hair tied up in a bun at the back of her head. The woman stopped, looking at Amaya in surprise.
"Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt." The woman said, and Amaya stood up quickly.
"You must be Amaya." The woman said, extending a hand, as she walked towards her. "Luke has told me all about you."
Amaya's eyebrows shot up in surprise as she shook the woman's hand. Luke had talked about her? "Nice to meet you." Amaya said, feeling uncomfortable with the fact that she didn't know this woman who clearly knew her.
"Oh, my apologies. I haven't introduced myself." The woman said, smiling. "You can call me Leia. I'm Ben's mother."
Understanding flooded Amaya's face as she looked back at Ben, who had been watching the exchange in silence.
"How are you feeling?" Leia asked Ben, walking over to give him a hug.
"I'm fine." Ben said shortly, and Amaya couldn't help but notice that he seemed almost uncomfortable around his mother.
"I should probably go." Amaya said, figuring she should probably give them some time alone to talk.
"Oh don't go on my account. I'm leaving in a minute anyway." Leia said.
"No, really, I need to go eat something before training starts anyway." Amaya said, edging towards the door.
"Well it was nice to meet you." Leia said, smiling warmly at her and Amaya returned the smile.
"You too." She said, her smile faltering when she glanced back over at Ben and noticed his closed-off expression.
Amaya felt a flash of concern but quickly pried her eyes away from his face and headed for the door. Whatever was wrong with his relationship with his mother...it was none of her business.
Ben felt his heart sink as Amaya closed the door behind her, leaving him alone with his mother.
"Nice girl." Leia said, taking a seat by his side.
Ben nodded wordlessly, picking up his plate of food and beginning to eat so that he wouldn't be expected to talk as much.
"Luke says you get along well with her." Leia continued, clearly trying to spark a conversation. Instead, her words only served to remind him of the words Amaya had said just moments before...I don't forgive you. He had ruined his relationship with her...and it had only taken a few weeks.
"Where's dad?" Ben asked, changing the subject abruptly.
Leia let out an exasperated sigh, her entire demeanour changing instantly. "Turns out he's been on Corellia this entire time. He's there visiting some old friends from his childhood and didn't think to let me or anyone else know this. He smashed his comm three days ago and didn't get it repaired until yesterday."
Ben felt annoyance course through his veins like fire. When was his father going to grow up? When was he going to start caring about how much worry he caused Ben and his mother? The realistic answer was probably never.
Ben jumped as a second knock on the door sounded.
"Come in!" Leia called. This time, the door opened to reveal Voe and Ben resisted the urge to sigh out loud. Great.
"Oh hi Leia!" Voe exclaimed, a smile breaking out across her face as she hobbled over on her crutches to greet Leia. They exchanged small talk as Ben ate his breakfast slowly, his appetite more or less nonexistent. After a few minutes, Leia announced she had to go and gave him one last hug goodbye before leaving the room.
"I just love your mom." Voe said as she walked over and took Ben's empty plate out of his hands. "Your dad's cool too. Honestly, I just love your family. They're the best."
Ben made no reply, trying to stop his true emotions from showing on his face.
It was going to be a long day.
Amaya let out a sigh of relief as she took a seat next to Tai and Hennix for the evening meditation. It had been a grueling day - less because of the actual work and more because she was just not in the right frame of mind. Try as she might, she mind kept wandering back to her brother. She didn't want to see him, she told her herself repeatedly...she was just curious. And why shouldn't she be curious? He was her brother after all. There was no harm in curiosity.
But he worked for Snoke, Amaya would then remind herself. How could she even consider having a relationship of any kind with someone who worked for that monster? For the man who was invading her mind and controlling her life? What if her brother's wish to meet her was some sort of trap? What if he wasn't even her brother? What if Snoke had put him up to it as part of some sort of ploy...
The possibilities were endless and so were Amaya's worries. No matter how she looked at it, Snoke held all the cards and she was left just guessing in the dark.
And then there was the matter of Ben Solo. The more she learned about his relationship with Snoke, the more she questioned whose side he was really on. She doubted he even knew himself. He was torn between Snoke and Luke - between the Dark and Light sides of the Force - and Amaya realized this could only go on for so long. He would have to pick a side eventually. He couldn't walk this tightrope forever.
And Snoke knew this...He thought all he had to do was wait and Ben would fall right into his arms. Amaya shivered as she realized he might very well be right.
"Hey," Voe said, laying a hand on Amaya's shoulder and jolting her from her dark reverie. "We decided this was one exercise we could do." Voe said, and Amaya turned around to see Ben standing right behind her.
"Great, come sit." Amaya said, moving over to make room for them. "How are you feeling?" Amaya asked, and Voe sighed dramatically.
"Exhausted. Honestly, I think doing nothing all day is more exhausting than training. The sheer boredom of it just sucks the life out of me." She said.
"Ben?" Amaya asked, leaning over Voe to see him better. He, too, looked exhausted but Amaya guessed it had more to do with not sleeping enough than with being bored.
"I'm fine." Ben said, and Amaya frowned, knowing he was anything but. She stared at him, her worry increasing with each second she was around him. Yes, he had lied to her and yes, he was being selfish but he was even more trapped than her. And he was terrified. Amaya realized that now.
Amaya forced herself to look away before it became awkward and tried to focus on the words coming out of Voe's mouth as she began to babble on about her shampoo problems. Amaya let out a sigh of relief when Luke announced the start of meditation and the entire room fell silent. Closing her eyes, Amaya reached out to the Force, letting its comforting presence wash over her like a warm bath. She let it flow around her like water, soothing her nerves and calming her.
Feeling better, she began to reach out more, feeling the Force signatures of the other padawans around her. They were all different colours, filling her mind with a beautiful tapestry. But there was darkness there too and Amaya went towards, seeking it out. She felt Ben's Force signature come into focus. It was surrounded by more darkness than usual and Amaya felt herself shiver.
Ben. Amaya thought, sending the word out through the Force like she did when she spoke to Snoke and hoping it reached him. She felt his surprise ripple through the Force and smiled.
Amaya? He thought back, disbelief plain in his voice.
This is actually working. Amaya thought in amazement. I can't believe it's working.
How are you doing this? Ben asked, and Amaya shook her head before realizing he couldn't see her.
I don't know but this must be how Snoke does it. Only he's more powerful so he can actually access our minds. Amaya thought, feeling the darkness around Ben thicken.
We need to learn how to fight back. Amaya continued. If we can get inside his mind and block him from getting inside ours-
Amaya, Snoke is a powerful Dark side Force user. He has spent decades perfecting his skills. You need to manage your expectations-
We're going to try. Amaya said firmly. It's the only way we can get out from under his control.
Oh we are going to try, are we? Ben sneered, suddenly irritated. Do I get a say in this or have you already decided for me?
Amaya sighed, trying to control the frustration she felt rising. Fine. I am going to try. You can do what you want.
Ben made no reply, but Amaya felt the darkness around him tighten.
How was your day? Amaya asked, and Ben hesitated before answering.
Fine. You? He replied and Amaya sighed.
Terrible. She said, and Ben made no reply.
How was your visit with your mom? Amaya asked and once again she felt the darkness tighten around him.
Amaya, can we just enjoy the meditation in silence? Ben asked sharply and Amaya recoiled mentally before she remembered this was a classic Ben move. Snap at the person asking questions you don't want to answer and they'll be too offended to keep pressing to find out the truth.
Still, Amaya fell silent, her mind drifting back towards the worries that had plagued her all day. She wondered, not for the first time, if her brother was surrounded by a cloud of darkness even thicker than the one currently enveloping Ben. What had caused it? Was there a way to dispel it? Could Snoke have been the cause?
I'm sorry. Ben said, his mental voice sounding so tired and defeated that Amaya felt her annoyance dissipate. I'm just not in the mood to talk right now.
It's okay. Amaya said.
Ben was silent for a moment, the darkness around him shifting and growing. I knew the Knights of Ren were going to ambush us. Ben said, his voice hollow, and Amaya felt her chest constrict painfully. She had guessed as much, but hearing it confirmed was still shocking.
I figured. Amaya replied, unsure what else she was supposed to say. He'd made a choice and that was that. She wasn't going to tell him he was wrong - he already knew that. She wasn't going to tell him it was okay either - it wasn't.
Before either of them could think of anything else to say, the meditation ended and Amaya opened her eyes, blinking in the light from the room. She looked over at Ben, their eyes meeting for a moment before Voe moved to get up, breaking their eye-contact.
Amaya clambered to her feet, feeling almost stunned. Too much had happened in the past few days for her to process. She needed some time alone to think.
"Amaya..." Ben said, laying a hand on her arm before she had even realized he was next to her. She jumped, turning to face him.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" Ben asked and Amaya immediately pulled away.
"I need time to think." Amaya said, backing away slowly. "I just- I just need to process this first."
Ben swallowed, looking so lost Amaya suddenly had the urge to hug him and tell him it was all okay. Only it wasn't okay. Nothing was okay and Amaya was not about to pretend it was.
Before she could do or say anything she'd regret, Amaya turned on her heel and left the room as quickly as her legs could carry her.
Amaya closed and locked the door to her room before collapsing on her bed and, to her own surprise, bursting into tears.
She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried. Maybe it had been after the bombing. Maybe after her mother died. It was all a blur. All a terrible, nightmarish blur. Her life had been terrible for so long, Amaya didn't understand why she was crying now.
Still, she cried and cried until she lost track of time. She cried for her mother - who died without ever truly feeling free. She cried for her brother and her father and because she longed for them even though she knew she shouldn't. She cried for the people she knew on Alfazine - for the people starving to death and dying in war. She cried for Ben and for Luke and for all the padawans who didn't know they were in danger. And she cried for herself - because she was alone in the galaxy and because despite everything she'd gone through, she was still as trapped as she'd been on the island she grew up on.
And all throughout, she expected Snoke to break through her mind and talk to her. This would be the perfect time to taunt her. She was vulnerable and an easy target...and yet her mind remained quiet and entirely her own.
When she finally ran out of tears, Amaya lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling in silence with Ben's words ringing through her mind. She left her son behind? He had a point, Amaya realized now that her defensiveness had abated somewhat. Her mother had abandoned her brother with a man she would have rather died than stayed with. And now Amaya was rejecting him too.
Amaya rolled over, pulling out the lockets of her family and opening them up, side by side. She stared at the photos. They'd never once been all together - nor would they ever be. But maybe they didn't all have to be alone either...
Standing up, Amaya wiped the remnants of her tears from her face and pulled her hair out of its bun, running a comb through it. She left her room, walking to the stairwell before descending to the main level and taking a right turn. She stopped in front of the hospital ward, hesitating for a moment, before pushing the door open and entering.
Ben looked up as she entered, a look of surprise mingled with apprehension on his face. Amaya closed the door behind her softly before walking straight over to his bed and bending down to wrap her arms around him.
"Amaya...what...?" Ben mumbled before Amaya pulled back and took a seat next to his bed.
"I've come to a decision." Amaya said and Ben stared back at her in confusion.
"What decision?" He asked, almost looking afraid of the answer.
"I'm going to meet my brother." She said, watching as Ben's eyebrows shot up.
"What made you change your mind?" Ben asked and Amaya sighed, unsure how to properly articulate the thoughts that had been percolating in her mind for hours now.
"If Jedi really practiced universal compassion, they would love and value everyone equally...no matter how flawed." Amaya said and Ben frowned, looking even more confused.
"Well they do, don't they? Or they are supposed to, anyway." Ben replied.
"Exactly." Amaya said. "They are supposed to...but they don't. I would be very surprised if Luke had any love for Snoke, for example."
"All Jedi are imperfect...but we already knew that. What's your point?" Ben asked.
"Practicing universal compassion means you love - and I obviously don't mean personal love...I mean the Jedi kind of love...the universal kind - it means you love those who use the Dark side of the Force just as much as those who use the Light side of the Force." Amaya said.
"Is this why you're going to meet your brother?" Ben asked.
"Well yes, but it's more than that." She continued. "I'm not convinced the Dark side is all that bad when it's in balance with the Light side."
At this, Ben sat up straighter. "What are you saying?"
"The Jedi are supposed to practice non-attachment. Rejecting an entire side of the Force seems an awfully lot like being attached to the Light side." Amaya said and Ben fell silent, his face deep in thought.
"Think about it." Amaya said. "If Jedi are supposed to love everything and be attached to nothing - how can they condemn half the Force? It must exist for a reason and I don't think anger and fear and attachment to other people is necessarily always a bad thing..."
"So then, if you're right," Ben said, his eyes boring into hers, "the only way to practice the Light side of the Force is to..."
"Accept the Dark." Amaya finished for him, nodding. "I think so. The Force isn't meant to be divided."
Ben stared at her, at a loss for words, and so Amaya took the opportunity to keep going.
"I'm going to use both sides of the Force." Amaya said. "Like my mother did."
"Luke won't allow it." Ben said immediately but Amaya rolled her eyes.
"I'll just add it to the list of things I'm not being honest with him about." She said, watching as a look of guilt filled Ben's face.
"About that..." Amaya continued. "I forgive you." She said, giving him a small smile.
Apparently this was too much for Ben and Amaya watched as his eyes started to water. Without thinking, Amaya stood up and wrapped her arms around him for the second time that night, breathing in his familiar scent. She couldn't tell if he was crying or not but she didn't want to let go. She felt safe and for the first time in years, she didn't feel alone.
Amaya left Ben's room late that night. They'd stayed up until close to 2 am talking about anything and everything and somehow, despite how wrong everything was, Amaya left feeling happier than she'd felt in a long time. She tiptoed back to her own room and got ready for bed, already missing Ben's company.
It was so strange, Amaya realized, for her to miss anyone. After her mother had died, she'd refused to let herself get too attached to anyone. Although she'd definitely loved the friends she'd made at the orphanage and in the rebel base she'd lived in, she'd never felt like she needed them. They were pleasant company and she cared about them...but they weren't family. Only her mother had been family and now she was dead.
But the longer Amaya spent around Ben, the more she wanted to stay close to him. When she wasn't around him, she found her thoughts straying back to him...and nothing he did seemed to make her feelings go away. She couldn't even stay mad at him.
Amaya sighed, crawling into bed in the dark. She lay awake, replaying parts of her conversation with Ben in her mind and smiling to herself. However, as her thoughts began to wander, her mind returned to her brother and so Amaya closed her eyes, reaching out through the Force.
Snoke?
Her call was answered by silence and Amaya reached out further, probing the Force for any sign of him. Remembering how it had worked during her meditation session, Amaya let herself melt into the Force, feeling the Force signatures of all the padawans in the Temple swirl around her. She smiled, comforted by their familiar feeling, before expanding her reach. She felt the Force signatures of the animals and the trees, the rocks, and the ocean beyond it. She reached further, feeling the hum of the city she had visited with Ben on her third day on the planet come into focus. It was full of life and Amaya's mind was immediately assaulted with a cacophony of feelings and sensations. She reached out further, expanding beyond the city to see what lay beyond. Wilderness, interspersed with more cities and towns, came into focus and Amaya pulled back, feeling the entirety of it all at once. As she pulled back, the individual Force signatures became blurred together and instead, a larger picture of an entire continent emerged like a map in her mind.
Amaya.
Snoke's voice broke her concentration and Amaya's eyes flew open as she remembered where she was. On the island, in the Temple, in her bed.
Hi. Amaya replied, still trying to recover from the intense Force experience she'd just had.
You called for me. Snoke said. What is it you want?
Amaya nodded, putting her thoughts in order. Shouldn't you already know that? She asked.
My girl, I don't spend all day reading your thoughts. I could find out if I wanted to but it would be simpler for you to just tell me. Snoke replied, and Amaya frowned. He sounded almost...tired.
I want to meet my brother. Amaya said. Can you arrange it?
Snoke was silent for a moment before replying. Of course.
When? Amaya asked.
Whenever I get around to it. Snoke replied almost irritably. Now I suggest you go to bed.
Amaya frowned, sitting up. Had Snoke really just told her to go to bed? Something was different about him tonight. He didn't want to talk to her; that much was clear. He wasn't taunting her or trying to mess with her head...he was trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible.
What's wrong with you? Amaya asked, unable to contain her curiosity.
She felt a flash of anger come from him - confirming her suspicions.
Your insolence never ceases to amaze me. Snoke sneered coldly.
Amaya felt him begin to retreat and she reached out with the Force, trying to grab onto him if that were even possible. She felt Snoke's shock through the Force and tightened her grip. She clenched her fists as she tried to maintain contact with him as he moved ever farther away from her until at last, she lost her grip and Snoke slipped away out of her reach. Panting from the effort, Amaya opened her eyes and stared blankly at the wall in front of her, a feeling of triumph coursing through her veins. One day she'd be able to reach him no matter how far the distance. One day, she'd break into his mind the way he'd broken into hers...and then she would be free.