Thanks for the reviews Guest and SilentReader!
The trip back to the Temple passed without incident and before long, the padawans found themselves falling back into the routine of Temple life as if the trip to the Senate had never happened. Only it had and Amaya found she didn't possess the same ability as her fellow padawans to forget about it. The First Order was out there with Snoke as its head and the New Republic refused to do anything about it. They didn't know Snoke like she did. They didn't know what the First Order was capable of.
Amaya wanted to scream at the Senators and tell them to stop being so complacent. She didn't understand why no one but Leia Organa and a few others seemed to ever speak about the First Order at all. Instead, every time Amaya turned on the HoloNet to listen to the news, all that was ever mentioned was the upcoming election. Hollow platforms and vague promises of reform were broadcast to a galaxy wholly unaware of the danger they were in.
Weeks passed, and then months, with no change in the New Republic's attitude towards the First Order. Every now and then, another First Order attack would be carried out and it would gain control of another planet. Whenever this happened, Amaya would turn on the HoloNet and listen to it for hours, grinding her teeth in anger as she heard excuse after excuse be put forward to justify inaction. Senators, most from a faction Amaya had learned was called the Centrist faction, would downplay the situation by saying things such as, "Well it wasn't a New Republic planet. No one was harmed. The New Republic doesn't have the resources to respond at this time." Leia, whom Amaya had learned was part of the opposing Populist party, always made a point to urge the government to act. But her words always fell on deaf ears, leaving Amaya incensed.
"You know your mom's the only one who makes any sense at all." Amaya muttered one night as she angrily shut off the HoloNet. She flipped onto her back where she lay on Ben's bed and looked over at him. He sat at his desk, drawing idly on a piece of paper.
"But no one's going to listen." Ben said, without looking up. "They think she's an alarmist. That's why she's not going to be elected First Senator."
"You don't know that." Amaya said stubbornly, despite knowing he was probably right.
"Yes, I do." Ben replied and Amaya rolled her eyes. She sometimes wondered whether Ben wanted his mom to fail.
"I just feel like we should be out there." Amaya continued, staring at the ceiling of his room. "We're Jedi. We're supposed to be out there protecting planets against the First Order."
"Without the New Republic's army, we wouldn't be able to do much except get ourselves killed." Ben said with a sigh that indicated he was tired of this conversation. "And Snoke would know our every move before we made it. We can't do anything, Amaya."
Amaya sat up, throwing her legs over the side of his bed. She stood up and crossed the room to him, bending over to wrap her arms around him from behind. She felt him relax into her arms and she planted a kiss on his neck before straightening up. She looked down at the drawing he'd been making and smiled. A perfect sketch of Luke's droid R2-D2 filled the paper.
"You've been drawing more lately." Amaya remarked and Ben looked up at her.
"It's better than wasting time listening to the HoloNet." He said and Amaya made a face, letting go of his shoulders.
"I just want to go back to the Senate and scream at them all." Amaya said, shaking her head.
Ben twisted around in his chair to look up at her, "Well then maybe you should go into politics."
Amaya burst out laughing at this before she realized he was being serious. "No." Amaya said, once she caught her breath. "I would never get another good night's sleep again if I did that."
"Well maybe that's what would make you good at it." Ben said.
Amaya stared at him, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. She didn't want to go into politics? She didn't...right?
"I think I'd rather sleep." Amaya said, with a smile.
Ben split the level 2s into pairs and instructed them to practice their overhead swings before taking a seat on a nearby log. He ran his hands over his face, sighing as he watched the padawans practice.
"Hey, kid." Luke said, coming up through the trees and taking a seat next to him.
Ben clenched his jaw, wishing his uncle would just leave him alone. Ever since he'd found out that Snoke was still in his head, and gotten over his anger at Ben for hiding that fact for so long, he'd begun to treat him like he was dying of a terminal illness. He'd corner Ben in the hallways, forcing him into a conversation until Ben finally found a way to escape. He even went so far as to ask Amaya about him behind his back. Ben had thought it had been bad enough when Luke ignored him and treated him like a failure...but this was far worse. Now Luke didn't just see him as a failure, he saw him as a failure in need of saving. He pitied him...he saw him as weak...and that was just unbearable.
"I was thinking I'd give you two days off for your birthday this year. Han said he's taking you somewhere? Zeltros?" Luke asked.
"Yea, I think so." Ben said. It was best to say as little as possible. Eventually, Luke would run out of things to say and leave.
"Okay then you'll need a day to recover." Luke said, chuckling. "Is Amaya going with you?"
"If you'll let her." Ben said, glancing over at his uncle briefly. He regretted it instantly. Luke had that look of concern in his eyes that made Ben's skin crawl.
"Of course she can go. Tai, Hennix, and Voe can also go if you want them to." Luke said.
"Great." Ben said, not even trying to sound like he meant it.
Luke hesitated, seeming like he was about to saying something and then thought better of it. "Okay well. I'll see you later."
Ben made no reply, his body relaxing the further Luke got from him.
"So when's your dad getting here?" Amaya asked.
Ben checked the clock on the wall and then his pager. Still no word from Han. "15 minutes ago." He said. "But my dad has never been on time for anything in his life."
Amaya laughed, "Your parents are so different. It's a wonder they can stand each other at all."
"They can't." Ben said, with a smile. "I think that's what they like about each other."
"Who are you more like?" Amaya asked, and Ben frowned, taken aback by the question. He'd never felt particularly similar to either of his parents.
"I'm...not like either of them." Ben said, suddenly feeling like he'd somehow failed. He wasn't anything like his family. It was like he'd been swapped at birth and ended up stuck with a couple who were wondering whether he was really theirs.
Ben's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his pager. Ben turned it on and replayed the voice recording that had been sent. Han's voice rang out and Ben immediately knew what this meant.
"Hey son, I have bad news. Can't make it tonight. Uncle Lando has this thing and I can't miss it. But listen, I talked to your mom. She wants you to go home and visit her. She's going to make dinner-"
Ben shut off the transmission, resisting the urge to throw it against the wall. It didn't matter. He didn't care. He hadn't even wanted to go to Zeltros anyway. He looked up at Amaya, who was staring at him with wide eyes.
"Another classic Han move." Ben said bitterly. "Not showing up."
"Well this means we can do whatever we want." Amaya said, clearly trying to cheer him up. "What do you want to do? We could go visit your mom or go to Zeltros anyway. We could visit a new planet we've never been too-"
"Let's just go home." Ben said irritably.
"Are you sure?" Amaya asked, and Ben nodded, sending a message to his mother that they were coming.
"Let's go." Ben said, leading the way out the door before Amaya could question him further.
The capital city of Chandrila, Hanna City, came into view and Ben navigated the ship down to his home on auto pilot. Amaya was in awe of the place, as she was every new place she saw, but the city held no sparkle for Ben. It was just an old city full of stale old memories.
They walked up to his family home and Ben felt a flicker of regret. Perhaps they should have done something fun instead. Ben pushed the thoughts down and opened the door, stepping inside.
"Oh Master Ben!" C3PO cried, running to meet him as quickly as his robotic frame would allow. Ben grit his teeth and braced himself for the inevitable. "It's so great to see you! It's been so long since you came home. Why have you been away so long? I was beginning to think you'd forgotten all about me!"
"Hi C3PO." Ben said with a sigh, locking the door behind him.
"Oh and who is this you brought with you? A friend? I must introduce myself!" C3PO cried, holding out a hand to Amaya. Amaya smiled, looking like she wanted to laugh, and took the robot's hand.
"It's a pleasure to meet you!" C3PO said in his characteristically enthusiastic way. "What shall I call you? Mistress..."
"Amaya." Amaya replied. "Just Amaya."
"Mistress Amaya." C3PO said and Ben watched Amaya visibly wince at the title.
"Okay, come." Ben said to Amaya. "I'll show you around."
"Oh my!" C3PO exclaimed, blocking their way to Ben's great annoyance. "I almost forgot! Mistress Leia had some food prepared for you. I've kept it warm. You should really come eat dinner."
"Maybe later." Ben said, pushing past the droid.
"But Master Ben-" C3PO protested.
"Later." Ben snapped, taking off down the hall in an effort to get away from the droid.
So is this the droid you filled with sand? Amaya asked silently, shooting him an amused look out of the corner of her eye.
Ben's lips curved into a small smile. Now do you understand why? He's the most annoying droid in the galaxy.
Amaya laughed and Ben felt some of the weight lift off his chest. He pushed open the door to the balcony, stepping out into the cool night breeze. Amaya followed him out, her eyes widening in delight at the view.
"I've never seen such a beautiful view." Amaya said, gripping the railings and leaning out towards the city in awe.
Ben made no reply, not understanding what it was that was so special about the view. It was the same view he'd seen every day for years before his parents had sent him away. It was nothing exceptional.
"You're so in awe of everything." Ben said, looking at her sideways.
Amaya chuckled. "Well everything is new to me."
"You'll get over the novelty and then things won't seem so exceptional." Ben said and Amaya's smile faded.
"I don't want that to happen." Amaya said.
"Well it will." Ben said, looking back out at the city.
They fell silent for a moment, only the sound of the breeze filled the air between them.
"Ben." Amaya said, and he looked at her, intrigued by her tone. "I don't know if I want to become a Jedi. I won't shut out the Dark Side. Why should I be a Jedi in name only if I'll never practice their philosophy?"
"What will you do then?" Ben asked, a feeling of panic growing in his chest. She wouldn't leave him here, would she?
"I don't know." Amaya said, shaking her head. "Go back to Alfazine I guess. Help the rebellion."
Ben felt the ground fall out from under him, as he realized that, of course, this was what she had always planned to do. She had always planned to leave him and go back to Alfazine. She was going to leave him alone in a life he didn't want-
"You know you don't have to become a Jedi either, right?" Amaya said, putting a hand on his arm.
Ben looked at her, every doubt he'd ever had about his path telling him she was right. But if he wasn't a Jedi, what would he be? Nothing. He would let down the entire Skywalker family legacy. For all the times he'd fantasized about leaving, he'd never actually seriously contemplated it because where would he go? This was the only life he'd ever known.
"Yes, I do." He said hollowly.
Amaya shook her head, tightening her grip on his arm. "Ben, you don't have to be a Jedi just because your family expects it of you. They'll understand if you want to do something else with your life."
Ben felt her words strike a nerve inside him and Snoke laughed in his ear.
How innocent and naive she is. Snoke sneered. She doesn't know your family like we do. Your family can barely stand you as it is - you leave the Jedi and you'll be nothing but a failure to them.
Ben stepped back, pulling his arm out of Amaya's grasp. "They won't understand." He snapped, suddenly furious. Where was his mother anyway? What was so important at work that she couldn't even bother to show up after she called him home from across the galaxy. He was here waiting for her like he always was.
You give her too many chances. Snoke agreed. You keep hoping she'll show up but she never will, Ben. She doesn't care enough to.
"How do you know?" Amaya asked and Ben felt something snap inside him.
"How do I know!?" He cried. "Look around you! Do you see my mom anywhere? She's not going to show up because she never does. Her work is all she cares about. If I don't become a Jedi, I won't be able to help advance her political agenda, and I'll be useless to her. And look at Luke! Remember how he gets whenever I can't live up to the Jedi ideals. He treats me like I'm a failure or a threat. He hates me, Amaya! If I wasn't family, he would have kicked me out a long time ago."
"Your dad-" Amaya began, but Ben cut her off.
"My dad doesn't care where I am or what I'm doing." Ben snapped.
"Master Ben." C3PO called out and Ben whipped around to glare at the droid.
"WHAT?" He snarled.
C3PO faltered, taking a step backwards. "There is no need to shout, I was just going to say-"
"Say what?" Ben snapped impatiently.
"Well just that I've got word from Mistress Leia." C3PO said. "She's not going to be able to make it tonight. She's caught up in some pressing matters at work. She sends her apologies-oh!"
C3PO cried out as Ben shoved past him, pushing the droid roughly to the side. He stormed through the house, blind with fury. He was almost at the front door before he felt Amaya's hand on his arm. She pulled him around to face her roughly, keeping a firm hand on his arm. Ben felt annoyance course through him. He didn't want to listen to her tell him he was wrong about his family. Why couldn't she just believe him?
"I do believe you." Amaya said, clearly having read his thoughts. "You have every right to be mad at them. You're not obligated to forgive them. And if you don't want to be a Jedi, and they judge you for it, well that's their problem."
"But it is my problem." Ben said, frustration plain in his voice. "I need to live with their disapproval. No matter what I do, it's never enough. It's never good enough. I know you've seen it. I'm the best student at the Temple but no one even cares. All they talk about is my Darkness."
"And I'm telling you." Amaya said, "You don't need to live up to the Jedi ideals. You don't have to shut out the Dark Side as long as you don't shut out the Light."
"My family would never accept that!" Ben cried, disgusted by the desperation in his own voice. He shouldn't care what his parents or Luke or anyone else thought. He shouldn't need them. It was evidence of how weak he was. Constantly craving their approval when he knew he would never get it.
"Maybe." Amaya conceded. "But that's not your fault. You don't have to please them."
Ben stared at her, wishing it were that simple. He wished he didn't care. He wished he could just disregard the Jedi Code the way Amaya did.
But you don't have her self control. Snoke's voice whispered in his ear. If you don't actively shut out the Darkness, you'll be consumed by it. Because it's in your nature. There is no balance for you. You have a choice...be a Jedi and continue to suppress your true nature...your true potential. Or become who you were meant to be. You have to choose Ben. Light or Dark.
"He's talking to you isn't he." Amaya said suddenly, her eyes hardening.
Amaya took a step towards him, taking his face in her hands. Ben stared at, shocked by her sudden fierceness.
"You listen to me." She hissed. "Not him. You listen to me and if you don't agree with me, you tell me, and we figure it out together. He's manipulating you, Ben. He's trying to hurt you. He doesn't care about you."
Ben stared at her lips, suddenly wanting to kiss her. He knew she was right but it didn't matter. Just because Snoke was manipulating him didn't mean he wasn't right. He wished he could listen to Amaya. But she didn't know what was hiding inside him. She didn't know the things he thought about late at night. She didn't know how terrible of a person he really was. It was like there was a monster inside him, begging to be let out, and Ben didn't know how much longer he could keep it inside.
"Then show me." Amaya whispered and Ben realized too late she'd read his thoughts again. He recoiled, suddenly furious at the invasion of privacy.
"Get out of my head." Ben snarled.
"I'm not trying to read your thoughts. It's just so hard not to feel them when you're practically screaming them." Amaya said. "You need to learn how to block people out."
Great. Another thing he was an absolute failure at.
"I can't." Ben snapped. "I don't have your talent."
"Says who?" Amaya asked.
"Amaya-" Ben said with a sigh, not wanting to argue about this.
"You're stronger than you think you are." Amaya said with a kind of conviction Ben didn't think she should possess.
"If you really knew me you wouldn't think so." Ben said, with a kind of dead certainty that chilled him to the bone. "You wouldn't love me. You wouldn't want to have anything to do with me-"
"Let me prove you wrong." Amaya said, jutting out her chin. "Show me your worst."
"You'll leave me." Ben said, cold tendrils of fear gripping his heart. The only reason she was here at all was because she didn't know who he really was. Luke, his parents, Snoke...they all saw it."
"I won't." Amaya said. "You need to trust me."
Ben shook his head. "You're going to hate me."
"Let me prove you wrong." Amaya said, holding up a hand. Ben stared at her hand, his mind screaming that this was a mistake. No one knew the degree to which his mind was already twisted. No one knew just how hard it was to stay on the Light Side of the Force.
"Trust me." Amaya whispered and Ben hesitated before nodding.
Amaya wasted no time, diving into his thoughts before he could change his mind. Ben felt his most secret thoughts and desires opened one after the other as if they were nothing more than open books. He knew what she was experiencing; he felt the emotions as Amaya pulled them up. He wanted to leave. He wanted to run away and never return. He wanted to get revenge on Luke, on his parents, on the whole world. He wanted to hurt Luke - really hurt him. He wanted freedom to be who he was meant to be but at the same time, he was utterly terrified of himself. He felt like he was slowly losing control, slipping into insanity...but a part of him wanted to. He was so tired of fighting against the Darkness. He wanted to give in. He wanted to use it and reach his potential. He wanted to show them all what he could do because if they couldn't love him well at least they would fear him.
But then came the guilt and the shame and the loneliness. This was what kept him on the Light Side. He didn't want to be alone and he didn't want to become a monster. It terrified him and he hated himself for wanting to follow Snoke into the Dark. He hated himself for failing at everything and for being a terrible person and a terrible Jedi. He knew he was weak and cowardly - he would just do whatever made him feel a little bit less horrible. And this was exactly why he would never be a hero like his parents or his uncle and why they would never love him. And if he couldn't make them accept him then what was even the point of trying to be a good person? Why not be himself and make them pay? Why not hurt them back?
Amaya pulled back and Ben felt his stomach drop at the look on her face. She was going to leave him now. It had been a mistake to let her in.
Ben froze when Amaya hugged him, holding onto him so tightly he felt like he couldn't breathe. He didn't understand. Why wasn't she horrified? He'd shown her just how dark and twisted he was and she was hugging him. Suddenly, Ben felt like crying.
Slowly, he wrapped his arms around her, breathing in her scent. He felt an invisible weight lift off his shoulders and he tightened his grip on her. She'd seen who he was and she hadn't left. She'd seen his Darkness in all its ugliness and she didn't hate him. He would never let her go. Never.
"It's okay." Amaya mumbled into his shoulder. "I love you."
Ben wanted to ask her how she could love him despite what she'd seen but he couldn't bring himself to speak. He didn't want to ruin the moment so he just clung onto her as if she was a lifeline.
"You don't have to be perfect." Amaya said, pulling back to look at him. "I love you the way you are. And I think you're brave and strong for dealing with this every single day and still trying. You never give up."
"I want to give up." Ben said and Amaya nodded, her eyes shining with tears.
"I know." She said. "But you can't. Promise me you won't."
Ben looked away. He didn't want to make a promise and then break it.
"You don't need to be a Jedi, you don't need to be all Light," Amaya continued. "Just please don't leave. Don't go to Snoke."
"I can't walk the middle path like you can." Ben said, shaking his head. "If I don't actively suppress the Darkness, I'll become a monster."
"I will help you manage it." Amaya said. "We can start with you getting enough sleep. You don't sleep, Ben."
"I can't sleep." Ben said. "I have too many thoughts in my head."
"I can put you to sleep." Amaya said. "Every night if I have to."
"Amaya, you don't have to do this." Ben said, shaking his head.
"Yes, I do." Amaya said, the look of determination in her eyes making him realize it was futile to argue with her. "And another thing. I think you should talk to Tai about this. He'll understand."
Ben recoiled, suddenly terrified at the thought of what he had shared being spread. The others couldn't know. What if she told them? What if she went behind his back?
"No." Ben said forcefully. "I'm not talking to Tai or anyone else. And if you talk to anyone about this, I will never trust you again. Do you understand?"
"Okay, okay." Amaya said, putting up her hands in surrender. "I'm not going to tell them. If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have. I just thought it might help."
"It won't." Ben snapped.
"Okay." Amaya said, "We'll figure this out ourselves."
Ben ran a hand over his face, wanting to end this discussion.
"Let's go somewhere." Amaya said. "Do something fun."
"Like what?" Ben asked with a sigh.
Amaya shrugged. "What is there to do in Hanna City? We didn't eat dinner - do you want to go to a restaurant?"
"Let's get drunk." Ben said flatly and Amaya laughed.
"It's your birthday." She said, leading the way out the door.
They left the house and caught a ride to the downtown area. Walking around the bustling city, Ben watched Amaya look up at the skyscrapers in awe. He watched the city lights dance across her face and found himself in awe of her beauty. She was the only part of his life that made any sense at all. She was the only piece of luck that had ever come his way. He would never let her go.
Amaya led them into a bar and they found a table in the back of the crowded room. Amaya stayed put at the table, flipping through the menu, as Ben walked over to the bar to order them drinks. He placed the orders and then leaned against the bar, watching the HoloNet above the counter. The news anchor finished a story about trade disputes in the Outer Rim before a headline of breaking news came on the screen.
"In other news, Senator Leia Organa is embroiled in scandal as shocking new information is released about her parentage. Raised as the adopted daughter of Bail and Breha Organa of Alderaan, it has now come to light that Senator Organa is in reality the biological child of Anakin Skywalker, better known as Darth Vader. Senator Organa was poised to become the next First Senator of the New Republic but now opposition say her position as Senator should be revoked entirely. Senator Fren Roturo calls for Senator Organa's immediate dismissal from office on account of her lack of transparency and close family ties to the Sith Lord who terrorized the galaxy for decades."
Ben stared at the HoloNet, not noticing Amaya come up behind him and speak to him. He saw nothing but the news and heard nothing but Snoke's laugh in his head.