"You must be wondering why you're here, Professor Torchwick," Jaune said in his office situated neatly in the totally-not-an-Atlesian battle- oh wait, Ironwood agreed to just forget about that whole thing. Well, Jaune'd gotten used to it, so a totally-not-Atlesian battleship it is. Roman was sitting right across from Jaune, hands behind head, smoking a cigar, and feed propped neatly on Jaune's desk.
"Kid, none of the brats are here. You can call me Roman." He let out a puff of smoke, which briefly set off the smoke detector in the roof before he shot it. "Sorry."
"It's nothing. Now, did you know that our school doesn't have an HR department?" Jaune was looking through the files in his drawer.
"Hmm, really? That explains why Goodbitch-" Jaune could've sworn he heard a woman screech from the staff room. "-hasn't dragged me over by the ear so she could complain!"
"Yes. It also explains why Ozpin kept his position."
"Are you sure it isn't the fact that he kinda can't be held responsible? That whole system really should've gotten some thought. I know it's cause Oz's wacky ass backstory let him have the job for centuries and he thought HR would just get in his way, but, it seems kind of like an oversight." Roman was right, in a sense. Ozpin might've forgone any sort of accountability for Beacon's headmaster due to him thinking that it'd be a weakness that could be exploited by Salem to kick him off of his seat of power.
"Regardless, in place of an HR department, I must be the one to discipline my employees."
"Kid, there are like, twenty different things I've done that would be a massive red flag. Is it the cigar bribes? The etiquette? Is it the smoking itself!? Is it that my fashion sense is so good it's criminal?"
"Don't forget the illegal amount of modesty. But no, it's none of those things. It's this." Jaune laid upon his desk a set of photos. Photos of Roman and Blake in various situations. One of Blake entering Roman's office, one of them kissing, and even one of them on a date in Vale. Roman, for once, choked on his cigar without the help of Glynda.
"GAH! What the." Roman burst out in a fit of smoky coughs, the only reason why he didn't give his mouth severe burns was his aura. After a moment, he recovered, and kicked his feet back up once more in an attempt to regain his showman flair. "Ok, kid. I dunno where you got those or from who, but they're fake."
"Really?" Jaune raised an eyebrow and took a sip of his coffee, deadpan stare going so hard that Roman could've sworn it pierced his soul. Or in his case, his aura. Really, the two were the same thing.
"YES! I don't know why you think I'd even entertain the thought of carrying an affair with that feisty feline, but I'm just going to put a stop to your stupidly-sexually-repressed mind: We're. Not. Banging." Roman huffed and, for once, took his feet off of Jaune's desk. "For a number of reasons. First, while it may not look it with my choice in partner and my former occupation, I'm not into jailbait-" And Jaune could've sworn he heard Neo's students whimper in fear. "Second, I'm a teacher goddammit! And, this isn't leaving the room, no matter what Goodbitch thinks, I would rather not have my students be taken advantage of. Honestly, I'd prefer if those types all got run over. I'd also prefer to not be fired and thrown to the wolves, AKA, the cops."
"And third?"
"Kitty cat's not my taste. I know there are those rumors and all, but, really? I can do so much better!" Jaune could've sworn he heard the sound of Gambol Shroud being sharpened aggressively. In addition, Jaune could've sworn he heard the sound of bad poetry from the graveyard. "Actually, who gave you these? I need to pay them a nice and friendly visit. Or just hand them detention."
"That doesn't matter, because I also found this in your room!" Jaune pulled out a copy of 'Ninjas of Love, Sexgoku Jidick.' Roman looked up at Jaune and sighed.
"Kid, my reading habits are not any of your concern."
"This was a collector's addition you confiscated from Blake last week. Would it really be a stretch to say that, knowing she couldn't possible beat the thief at his own game (namely, being a thief), she'd try to bargain? And that the unscrupulous Professor Torchwick-"
"Ok! Ok! For fucks sake Jaune, I get the point! I'll give her back the book. For what my word is worth, I wouldn't touch a student in a million years, not even if that student is smoking hot."
"That speaks well of you."
"Because Glynda put five hundred lien that I would and I ain't giving that bitch an inch." And there it was.
"That doesn't."
"Kid, when you hired me, you knew I was a crook. Well, it's been fun! Also, Neo?" The sound of shattering glass sounded off behind him. "Knew it, you seemed to be weirdly still in your class. Anyways, haha, funny prank. You would've gotten away with it, kid, if it weren't for one thing."
Roman pulled out an assortment of photos, all of various celebrities, and other attractive people in a variety of explicit situations.
"Neo's really adept at making her own entertainment. I won't take it personally, cause I know for a fact that the lil devil convinced you to do it. Anyways, I got a class to run, kids to mess with, and a budget to check up on!" Roman jauntily twirled his cane as he walked out of Jaune's office. Neo huffed, Roman having outwitted her for once, though decided to aim that frustration (and blame) at Jaune, who sheepishly nodded.
"You owe me something, Neo?" Said tri-colored girl huffed again before handing over twenty lien to the smug headmaster.
If there was one thing Jaune learned in his (really one but it felt like many) years of living with Neo was that she was too sure of herself.
_
"JAUNEY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I SWEAR!" Nora was practically sobbing into Jaune's (expensive thank you very much) coat, mumbling mantras of repentance while begging for forgiveness from the very confused headmaster. The rest of team RVNN filed into his office, looking sheepish as well. Jaune managed to pry Nora of with a reassuring smile. It was early in the morning and he actually got a good night's sleep.
"Eh, I don't know what you're talking about. And it can't be that bad, right?" RVNN grew exponentially apprehensive, clamming up the moment Jaune's eyes laid onto any member of the team. "Right? I mean, if it was that bad, Glynda wouldn't have sent you to me! She knows how biased I am towards you guys!" At the snort and good-natured smile, the members of Team RVNN grew even more nervous and laughed so artificially that he had half a mind to ask if Ironwood replaced with students with Atlesian Knights. (Seriously, the AI responses of those things were just downright bizarre.)
He sighed and initially turned to Pyrrha for explanation, who turned around as if saying, 'Who? Me?' before getting as jittery as the others. "W-well, uh, ah, s-so we may have d-done something bad. A-and Ms. Goodwitch wasn't there to stop us and-" Pyrrha clammed up, forcefully muffling herself before she could say anything further. Jaune sighed and looked to Nora, who was still blubbering for his forgiveness.
"PLEA-" Jaune tuned that out. He turned to Nora's partner, Ren, who desperately avoided eye contact. He probably wasn't going to speak anyways, so Jaune turned to the last member of the team: Velvet.
The typically headstrong faunus merely shrunk under his soft gaze, which made him internally panic for moment. Did he accidentally catch resting bitch face? Was there something on his face? He didn't feel particularly mad or anything, in fact, he was pretty sure he was smiling! What was there to be scared about?
"Uh, guys, I think I'm missing something? Could one of you explain what's going on?"
"Nora got hungry in the middle of the night for pancakes." Ren was the one to answer, likely coming to the conclusion that Pyrrha was too afraid, Nora couldn't answer, Velvet steadfastly refused to speak, and the longer they stalled the worse the news might hit their headmaster. Jaune merely sipped his coffee and nodded. "And since the home ec classroom was destroyed, we profusely apologize for that, she decided to go to the cafeteria kitchen."
"Don't worry about the classroom guys. Professor Torchwick felt like moving to the cafeteria was a better idea anyways." Surprisingly, one of Roman's (many, at least according to the Thief) talents was cooking. The guy could rival some of the better restaurants in Vale with his skills. Neo, as expected, made for a pretty good sous chef. The catch was that Neo tried to simultaneously murder and ruin the food of whoever she was cooking with, to make it exciting of course.
From what he said in the staff meetings, the kids weren't meeting his high expectations when it came to cooking. "Bloody brats wouldn't know finely cooked rare steak from an overcooked sponge even if I shoved a cookbook down their throat!" were his exact words. Plus, he always complained to Jaune about the shoddy equipment he had to make due with. (Bunsen burners, spare pots, and whatever groceries he could get that morning)
"So, being good teammates, we followed her to the kitchen. Being half asleep in the dark, she mistook a lot of ingredients. She mistook sugar for flour, baking soda for baking powder, experimental yeast for sugar, the dust of her grenades for salt, someone's chocolate egg as an actual egg, white vinegar instead of milk-"
"But white vinegar is clear." Ren ignored him and kept on going.
"And hot oil instead of butter. That was a mistake. Nora's grenades contain unstable red dust, to give it a little more power. And the sudden heat from the oil caused it to combust, only made worse by the yeast, sugar, baking soda, and vinegar all reacting with each other." Jaune gave a sigh at RVNN's shenanigans, feeling a lot older than he really was.
"Well, that's certainly quite a few detentions you'll be serving. Since Glynda is busy, what were the damages?" Ren suddenly shut up, hands put up in surrender, practically saying, 'Nope, you guys do it.' Velvet sighed and began to mutter.
"Well, we made a small crater. Some bowls, utensils, other things were lost. And also." Velvet's voice became a lot quiet, Jaune barely picking it up over Nora's blubbering. "the stand mixer, a frying pan, and the-" Her words were overshadowed by Nora.
"Ms. Valkyrie, would you please contain yourself? While fear is important, I feel as if you're overestimating my temper. I run a school for huntresses, the damages we incur in a week would give insurance agents an aneurysm." Jaune said it in such a defusing way with a charming smile that it made Nora calm herself down. "Now, what was that, Ms. Scarlatina? Though, I suppose with how things are going, it'd be Mrs. Winchester?"
Blushing, Velvet shook her head at the prospect as Jaune chuckled. Ah, young love.
"Stop it! Anyways, the explosion broke the coffee machine."
The mug in Jaune's hand shattered. Luckily, he drank up all the coffee, so he wasn't given severe burns by the hot ambrosia. Thankfully, aura protected him from any cuts the broken mug would've given him.
"A shame, I'll have to clean that later." Jaune rose from his whisper with a smile so stilted it might as well have been preforming in the circus as a clown. "Excuse me, Ms. Scarlatina, what was that?"
Ms. Scarlatina refused to answer.
"Because, if I was not mistaken, I heard that you and your team have destroyed the cafeteria's coffee machine. The coffee machine, if I remember correctly, that had armor plating that could block a shotgun with ease. Now, how did you go about this?" None of the members of team RVNN could answer, all of them looking fearfully at each other for comfort.
They knew they were doomed.
"Let me take a guess. You were mixing your crime against cookery right next to the coffee machine. The coffee machine I had armored due to Professor Torchwick moving his class. The coffee machine I had Professor Torchwick inform you all to stay away from. The coffee machine that makes my morning cup. Am I correct?" To replace his broken mug, he pulled out one Roman had made for Jaune's birthday.
In response, Team RVNN guiltily nodded. Jaune breathed in for a long moment. It was hard being so strict on the students, but he also had to make it clear: You do not mess with his coffee.
"You will not be expelled, if that is your worried. Nor will you be given any disciplinary actions my Professor Goodwitch." Team RVNN all collectively let out a nervous sigh of relief, only for them to choke on it when Jaune continued. "Instead of that, to remedy your clearly lacking culinary skills, in three weeks, you will all cook a three course meal catering to the tastes of our entire staff. To guide you, I will authorize Professor Torchwick to personally oversee your preparations and planning."
Right as Team RVNN were about to protest their punishment, Jaune put his mug down. It was a simple motion without much force, but it made them back down immediately.
"Do not test me, you four. I could very well have you listen to Professor Port's lectures and have you quizzed on each intricate detail of his tall tales. I'll make it five weeks, and that's that."
The team was silent, all of them simply resigned to their fate. He sighed.
"Think of it as an opportunity. To be able to personally be taught by Professor Torchwick is a rare opportunity. And to present a fine dinner to the staff of Beacon is no small feat. I know a few students who would envy you." A specific two came to mind. "And you can all cultivate your talents, learn new recipes, and broaden your horizons. Now, is there anything you'd like to say?"
"No, Headmaster Arc." Ren, of all people, was the one to answer. Likely because he was the only one not trying to fuse with his seat. "We'll begin planning soon." After he dragged Team RVNN out of his office and Jaune was left to inform the rest of his staff about the whole debacle, he had only one thought.
'Ozpin's going to flip.'
_
As expected, Oscar was in his office after two days. Jaune, having just finished the day's work, looked up to the young boy with a pleasant smile.
"Hey Oscar, how's Beacon treating you?"
"It's been good."
"Caught up on your homework? I heard you were rushing Bart's homework during lunch." Jaune laughed a bit, as did Oscar. Though, his felt a tad more forced.
"Yea, don't worry about it! I got Oobleck to give me some extra lessons."
"Tried to do an Ozpin impression to fool Oobleck?" From the way Oscar blushed from embarrassment, he did. "Well, anyways, what are you really in for?" Oscar sighed and laid out the truth, plain and simple.
"Ozpin's gone catatonic. He won't respond to anything I say and he keeps on telling me to break into the cafeteria. Do you have any-" Oscar was cut off when Jaune tossed a flask of the brew over to Oscar.
"I figured something like this would happen. Please don't- and you drank it all in one go." Oscar, likely because Ozpin was being annoying, drank the stuff to escape to Nirvanna. After a few minutes of sipping, Oscar sighed.
"He's gone back to normal. Thanks."
"Don't mention it. And, Oscar?"
"Yes?"
"Please don't let Ozpin murder Team RVNN." Oscar gulped, knowing that task would be rather difficult.
"Y-yes sir."
_
"Heya Prof!"
"H-hi Jaune!"
"Headmaster."
"Jaune."
"Hello girls." Jaune was, in his free hour, roaming Beacon's halls. To anyone who asked, he would've said it felt therapeutic. The real reason he did so was because doing so made him feel cool. Seriously! Just walking around Beacon made him feel proud of how far he'd come! It also allowed him to socialize with the students and talk more often with his staff.
What he did not expect while he was roaming his school's halls was for one Henry Jekyll to bump into him.
"EEK!" Jekyll looked behind him, where Jaune could've sworn a shadow overtook the corner he came around from. In a panic, he scampered behind Jaune and used him as a shield for whatever was coming around.
It was technically part of his job to protect the students, he supposed. That was what he was thinking before Tsune rounded the corner and any thoughts of protection gave way to running the hell away from the (how the hell did she not lose her license?) doctor.
"Ah, Tsune. It's rare to see you outside of your or Peter's office. How are things?" Tsune, for some reason, seemed to be rather ruffled. Her uniform was messy, her hair frazzled, and her eyes wandering and filled with hunger. That is to say, she looked like she was just given the school's student population to exper- I mean treat.
"H-hey Headmaster, I-I was just looking for the young doctor. We have so much to talk about! Like his techniques, his opinions on certain matters, and maybe I could see his famous surgical skills!" Jaune nodded and, for once, swallowed his immense fear out of sympathy for the boy hiding behind him.
"Ah, of course. Well, if I see him, I'll tell him to go to you. Could you please go back to your office? I think Glynda's class will start soon." With a huff, Tsune complied and turned back.
"Tell him I'd like his assistance on some two-surgeon operations." While that may have sounded like a predatory innuendo to some, to Jaune, it almost definitely meant she had some sadistic plan that required two skilled operators. Though, with how she was practically drooling, it might've been both
As soon as Tsune left, Henry fell to his knees.
"S-so much malpractice. So much misconduct. D-did your school preform any background checks?" Jaune hummed in thought before shrugging.
"That - is a very good question. Though, considering our staff, I'd say no. No, we did not."
_
So, this is pretty much going to be the structure of most chapters. A main plot with a side-story pseudo-omake. I'm thinking of the next one being at the newly-rebuilt Shade Academy.