I wrote this in about 4 hours between other things
This will be forever known as my joke fic that shouldn't be taken seriously
I pin blame on Prophellwinter and Syra97 for infecting me with Capella/pilk brainrot,
and EmiliaNatsuki and speedcar for perpetuating the wheel of madness
You guys are the best of the worst
Reinhard had just come back from his afternoon errands, just a few check-ins and a quick patrol, but he was still happy to be home. He opened the front door to the Astrea mansion, and froze in place when he saw what and who was on the other side, namely the table placed in the middle of the foyer and the three people surrounding it.
"Oh, it's you. Figured you'd show up eventually." Felt was the first to speak, crossing her arms and looking at her knight as if he was here to ruin her fun. She stood at one end of the table.
"Yo, Reinhard! What's up?" Subaru spoke up next, waving a hand at him from the opposite side of the table. He had sent a letter a day prior mentioning his intent to come visit, but Reinhard hadn't expected him to arrive before he came back.
"How's it going, meatbag?" Capella was the last to speak, standing opposite to Felt, her arms crossed in a similar manner to that of her kin.
That…
That's a Sin Archbishop. In his home.
The Sin Archbishop of Lust was in the Astrea manor, and both Felt and Subaru didn't seem to care. Fearing some kind of mind-control, Reinhard grabbed the handle of his sword.
"Relax man, it's all good." Subaru declared, stopping Reinhard from leaping into immediate action, "I know how this looks, but I can explain. See, this lunatic right here,"
"Hello~!" Capella raised a hand and twiddled her fingers at Reinhard. He frowned at her.
"decided to show up unannounced and challenge Felt to a contest for the rightful claim to the throne." Subaru pointed to the wall off to the side, alerting Reinhard to the Capella-shaped hole in his wall. "I was having Felt try some of my homemade pilk, so Capella challenged her to a pilk-drinking contest, and I'm the referee!"
Reinhard squinted his eyes, trying to process the ridiculous story that was just told to him. "What is pilk?"
"Pepsi and milk, duh."
"What is Pepsi!?"
"It's a sweet and bubbly drink from my homeland I recreated. Mix it with milk and you get pilk!"
"Why mix it with milk?"
"Damn dude, what is this, 20 questions?"
"I've… only asked you three questions."
"Look, don't overthink it!" Felt interrupted, "This bitch here challenged me to a duel, and I refuse to back down! Besides, it's an easy win for me! Her old lady stomach probably can't handle it!"
"In your putrid little dreams, you little brat!" Capella shouted back, "You're just some gutter-rat who talks big! In fact, you're not even a rat! More like a tiny little hamster, running on her wheel all day long, expending her energy just to get nowhere in life!"
Felt grabbed the edges of the table like she wanted to flip it, gritting her teeth at Capella's venomous words. "Nobody calls me a hamster and gets away with it! Subaru, first glass!"
"Coming right up!" Felt had pointed a finger at Subaru, who hurriedly began to pour equal parts milk and Pepsi out of separate jugs and into a lone glass.
"Me too! Do mine, stupid scrawny boy!" Capella slapped the table a few times like an impatient child who wanted attention.
"Yeah, yeah…" Subaru was far less enthusiastic about pouring hers.
"Subaru, do you mind if I join you as a judge?" Reinhard asked, a worried tone in his voice
"Yeah man, sure. I'm just gonna be counting glasses, so there's not much else for you to do."
"That's fine. I was more concerned with the looming threat of a Sin Archbishop being within such close proximity to you and Felt-sama."
"Oh… right. I guess I didn't really think about that."
"Me either." Felt said plainly, shrugging her shoulders as Subaru passed her a glass of pilk. The liquid was off-white and watery, with slight signs of bubbles rising to the surface.
"I did, but I didn't say anything." Capella bragged, trying to sound like the smartest person in the room, Subaru carefully sliding her a glass as well.
"Alright Crapella you megalomaniac, are you ready for this?"
"Please, I know I can drink more of this 'pilk' stuff than you any day of the week. Drink up, you little brat!" With that, Capella and Felt both downed their drinks within seconds, slamming their empty glasses down on the table at the same time.
"ANOTHER!" Both members of the royal family shouted at the same time, leaving Subaru torn between who to serve first. Serving Capella first would make Felt feel like second best, and if he served Felt first Capella would grab his head and squish it into Subaru jelly.
Thankfully, a scarlet bell chimed just beside him. "Don't worry Subaru, I'll help you out!" Reinhard came in to pour a cup of pilk for his liege, leaving Subaru to entertain the needs of the lustful archbishop. Glass after glass they poured for the petite blonde girls that stood across from each other, a true blood feud boiling before the two knights' very eyes.
Ten minutes later and all the pilk was gone. All the milk they had brought out and all the Pepsi Subaru had made was depleted, drunken away by the two bottomless pits that had faced off one another so valiantly. Felt and Capella were both leaning back into their seats and groaning in discomfort, both had their eyes closed with a hand on their stomach to nurse their shared stomach pains.
"This was such a stupid idea." Subaru mumbled under his breath, lamenting the fact that he wasted his precious time on something so asinine as a pilk-drinking contest. In the end, both girls ended up drinking the exact same amount of glasses, so there was no true winner here tonight. With their abdomens in horrible pain and the knights' time thoroughly wasted, it was safe to say that they were all losers here tonight. "I'm never making another batch of Pepsi as long as I live."
"It's probably for the best." Reinhard agreed. He had cheered his lady on throughout the faceoff, but his excited face full of support slowly digressed into remorse and disgust as he was forced to watch Felt gorge herself on some drink, one that he was convinced was some joke concoction. "Do you need a ride home?"
"That'd be awesome man, yeah! Thanks!"
"What about me?" Capella hopped up out of her seat, then grabbed her stomach from moving too quickly. She held a finger up for them to wait for her to recover, then she stood proud like nothing had happened. "I could use a ride home too, so long as you're offering."
"That was just for Subaru…"
"What, you don't treat your guests the same in this house? How rude!" She crossed her arms and stuck her nose in the air, making both Subaru and Reinhard grumble to themselves.
"Fine. What direction do you live in?"
"Mmmmm, around that direction! You can just drop me off at-WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" With a running start, Reinhard kicked Capella so hard in the direction she pointed to, that he accidentally made an identical Capella-shaped hole in his wall right above the first one. Once she broke through the wall she just kept going, her body spinning with excess momentum until she disappeared over the horizon line with a twinkle, vanishing somewhere on the other side of the Gustekan border.
"Heh. Good one." Subaru smiled at the sight of Capella getting punted across the continent, reminding him of how lucky he was to have Reinhard as his buddy.
"Now that she's taken care of, shall we?" Reinhard turned cheerful again when he addressed Subaru, turning around and falling on one knee after he did so. "Hop on my back and we'll be off!"
"Oh, you mean like that? I thought you meant…" Subaru was thinking more along the lines of calling in a dragon carriage, not a piggy-back ride from the Sword Saint!
"Ah, perhaps you would like to be carried like a princess? Or I could hold you over my shoulders like a child!"
"... Just let me get on your back already! Damn!" His face flushing from the idea of being carried like a newly-wed by Reinhard gave him a bunch of different strange feelings, so he decided to shove them back down where they came from and climb onto his friend's back.
"Felt-sama, I will return shortly!"
"Take yer time." Felt mumbled, waving a hand at her knight as if she was dismissing him. With a courtesy nod, Reinhard turned around and ran out the door with Subaru on his back. Reinhard looked back at Subaru, and Subaru looked into his azure eyes as he loved to do whenever they were together. They both leaned in and shared a passionate kiss between bros, lip-locking with each other to show how much they cared about each other. Felt watched as she held her stomach, used to her knight and her big bro kissing like this whenever they hung out, acknowledging that at this point it would be weirder if they didn't make out. After several seconds they finally separated, recovering their individual breaths while smiling like dorks at each other as Reinhard carried Subaru out the door.
Once they were outside, he leapt so hard that the entire mansion shook, almost drowning out the sound of Subaru screaming as he held on for dear life. Felt was happy to finally have some peace and quiet. She was far too bloated and queasy to be running around, so she moved to a couch in the next room over. On the small table in front of the couch was some experimental medicine that he wanted to try spread around called 'Tums'. Coincidentally, it was a drug that was supposed to relieve stomach pains, so Felt happily popped a couple into her mouth and chewed on the chalky tablets as she began to lie down.
She doesn't know how he did it, but Subaru managed to make these things taste like wild berries.
Yay, now I don't have to go to bed tonight with this dumb fic idea festering in my head and polluting my mind's eye
I actually tried pilk the day of writing this, its not bad. Like a root beer float kinda