FIND HER: THE HUNT FOR ROLLINS

By Arizona Romance

Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order: SVU or its characters. The following work is strictly fan fiction.

Story takes place several months after the Season 22 finale.

Note: There will be trigger warnings including kidnapping, rape, assault, etc. Please read to your own discretion.

Thanks so much for the reviews so far!

Chapter 16: Test Results

Olivia sat in silence as she stared at Amanda in the hospital bed. The blonde laid there with a cold cloth over her eyes and an IV in her arm. Thankfully Fin was standing close and had fast enough reflexes to catch her as she fell so hadn't been injured. They immediately called for an ambulance. When she woke, she had initially objected but when she was too dizzy to get up, she finally agreed. They had asked to keep her for a few hours under observation while they ran a few tests since her blood pressure had spiked and wanted to give her an IV to help with her dehydration.

"Amanda?" Olivia said her name gently as she heard the monitor begin to quicken. "Are you okay?"

"No," Amanda replied, prompting Olivia to quickly get up from her chair and go to her beside. "How can I be okay? I can't – I can't - "

"Okay, Amanda," Olivia said as softly as she could, "you need to take a few deep breaths, because you're going to make yourself sick again."

Amanda took the cloth from her eyes, and began to sit up, "a few deep breaths is not going to fix anything."

"I understand, but you've been through a lot today. Whatever the test results say, we will figure it out. I know you feel alone, but you're not. We're all here for you. But right now, we don't what the answer is, and until we have one, all you can do is be kind to yourself and to take care of yourself. Your bruises might be healed, but the stress on your body from all of this is taking its toll," Olivia said. She watched as Amanda took a deep breath and nodded as she laid back into the pillow. Within a few minutes the beeping on the monitor began to slow down to its previous rate. Olivia sighed with relief. She knew all too well what stress could do on the body.

She sighed as she glanced at the clock. The nurse who'd taken her blood said she was sending them to the lab for testing and would ensure it was rushed, and yet it had been nearly an hour and a half of anxiety while they waited. Olivia kept praying the test came back negative. After everything her friend had gone through, to get pregnant as a result – she couldn't imagine. She glanced from the clock to Amanda, wondering what the blonde was thinking. She didn't want to ask and get her panicking when they weren't sure if she was pregnant or if it was Carl putting things in their mind. He was a manipulative psychopath, and he would be in line with his character to convince her he got her pregnant. Yet, Olivia couldn't shake the dread. Over the last few weeks Amanda had been sick often enough make her wonder. Her appetite was all over the place, and she was exhausted. They were all signs of pregnancy but were also all completely normal reactions to trauma and stress. The biggest flag on Olivia's mind was from that morning when Amanda complained about bloating and things not fitting so well. Stress could cause bloating, as well as eating inconstantly, yet Olivia found it hard to convince herself.

As she watched Amanda lay there with the cloth back over her eyes, taking deep breaths and trying to keep herself at bay, Olivia couldn't help but wonder if the same thoughts had passed through Amanda's mind. Surely, they had. Perhaps if she were pregnant a few more signs might've been apparent to her that she had missed. Olivia couldn't help but wonder what Amanda would choose to do if the results came back positive. Had she thought about it? If Olivia had to guess, she'd terminate the pregnancy. She sighed, feeling awful for always having mixed emotions in these cases. Afterall, if her mother had chosen the same path – she herself wouldn't be there. Yet, despite the choice her own mother made in having her, Olivia wondered if she was in the same situation if she'd do the same or choose a different path. She heaved a heavy sigh, praying she never would be.

She looked up as there was a knock at the door before it opened.

"Hi, Amanda?" she said as she entered with a chart, her voice gentle and kind. "I'm Dr. Bailey. It's nice to meet you."

"Olivia Benson," Olivia introduced herself as the doctor turned to greet her.

"Captain Benson, correct? I've heard a lot about you," she asked, turning to Amanda after. "I do have the results from your blood tests. Everything came back fairly normal. Your blood sugar is a little low, and I'd like to keep you another hour or so just to monitor your blood pressure since it's on the higher side but pending it's consistent and you take it easy the next few days, I don't see why you can't go home and rest there tonight."

Olivia glanced at Amanda who stared at the doctor with a neutral expression, waiting on the news she was holding back.

"I'm pregnant, aren't I?" Amanda finally said, watching as the doctor glanced from her to Olivia and back before nodding. Amanda had expected to cry, or be angry, but instead she just sat there feeling empty. It was like she knew the answer all along but just needed someone to tell her she was right.

"I have read your file, and I am so sorry for everything you have endured, and clearly this news was unexpected and unwelcomed given what you've had to recover home," Dr. Bailey replied. "However, do recommend allowing me to do an ultrasound."

"Is there a point?" Amanda muttered as she stared at her lap. She didn't want to be there anymore. She didn't understand. Why her? Why this? Hadn't she gone through enough. She glanced up to see Olivia watching her and looked away. She couldn't even face her. What was she thinking? Would she judge her for getting rid of it? One thing was for certain, she couldn't have Carl Clinton's child. That was out of the question, she was barely holding it together. She shook her head to the Doctor. She didn't want an ultrasound. There was no point. She could make an appointment at a clinic tomorrow if she needed to. The last thing she wanted to do was to see an ultrasound of something she had no intention on keeping. An ultrasound made it too real, and she wasn't sure she could handle that.

"Amanda, ultimately whatever you decide is within your right, but I would like to make sure everything is okay," Dr. Bailey replied. "At a bare minimum for your sake. Full disclosure there is an inconsistency on your results, which does really require me to do an ultrasound."

"Amanda," Olivia looked and her before taking her hand. "Whatever you decide to do, I fully support you and I'll be here to hold your hand through it all, but I think you should let her make sure everything is okay."

Amanda looked from Olivia to the Doctor with a deep sign before she nodded. The doctor nodded and left the room briefly to bring their portable ultrasound equipment. She closed the door behind her and began to set everything up next to the bed. Amanda looked away from her, she didn't want to see anything. She wanted to stay as unconnected as humanly possible.

"Your chart says you've had a baby before, so you know how this all works?" the doctor asked, watching as Amanda nodded. The doctor turned the monitor on before she put some gloves on, and continued. "I just want to make sure my information is accurate, and I'm sorry to have to ask you, your assault was eight weeks ago now?"

"Eight weeks tomorrow," Amanda replied somberly, as she stared off into the distance. Olivia bit her lip trying to hold back tears as she heard Amanda speak, she didn't realize how closely she was keeping track of the days.

"Traditionally, for someone eight weeks pregnant we'd do a transvaginal ultrasound as it gives a clearer image and we are able to see the fetus but," she paused, "I'd like to try an abdominal ultrasound first, okay?"

She watched as Amanda laid on her back and rolled her gown up to just under her breasts as the doctor folded the blanket down to her hips and place a cloth between the sheets and Amanda's skin to make sure no gel got on them.

"This is going to be a little cold," the doctor said as she squeezed the gel onto Amanda's stomach, apologizing when Amanda flinched. Olivia held her friend's hand tightly, noticing Amanda looking in the opposite direction. She didn't want to see the screen. Olivia sighed, watching it for her. She glanced from the screen to the doctor. Doctors traditionally kept neutral expressions when doing tests or reviewing results, but having been around them so often, Olivia could pick up when something wasn't quite right. She watched as the Doctor moved the wand around, applying pressure when needed, and trying to get a look from a few different angles. She stayed silent for nearly ten minutes before Olivia couldn't help but say something.

"Dr. Bailey," she started with a pause as she watched confused by what she was seeing. "I am obviously not an expert an ultrasound, and maybe I'm just not sure what I'm looking at but it seems…"

"What? Big for eight weeks?"

"Yeah."

"That's because it is," the Doctor replied.

"So, is something wrong?"

"On the contrary, everything seems completely normal and healthy."

"I'm confused, so why…"

"Because she's not eight weeks pregnant," the Doctor replied, her words causing Amanda to finally turn her head and look at her. "Amanda, based on your HCG levels and your ultrasound you look like you're about fifteen weeks along."

"But that… that's not possible," Amanda said, her voice cracking as she spoke.

"Well, if you were sexually active fifteen weeks ago then it's very possible."

"I mean, I've had two children. At fifteen weeks I could tell I was pregnant; I don't have a bump."

"Every pregnancy is different," Dr. Bailey replied. "It could be the way they're positioned; it could be your body. When everything you've had going on, the trauma, the severe stress… that could all affect how your body is reacting to this pregnancy compared to your previous ones. All I know is that you currently have a seemingly healthy fifteen-week baby… give or take a week. My recommendation if you decide to keep it, would be to see an OB right away to have all your routine tests done, and anything additional they might advise. Any questions?"

"So, you're certain, without a doubt that this pregnancy couldn't have happened 8 weeks ago?" Amanda said, glancing at Olivia as her friend placed a hand on her back to help stop her trembling.

"Unless, it has a fast-aging gene I don't know about, then no. This pregnancy is far enough outside that realm of possibility. You were already pregnant when you were attacked."

"Could I- um, could you show me?" Amanda let out a small cry as her doctor nodded before adding a bit more gel onto her stomach and began to show her what she was seeing on the screen.

After she was done, she printed Amanda a few photos and handed them to her, giving her a second copy when she asked for them.

"If you need anything else, please don't hesitate to ask," Dr. Bailey said. "I'll be back in an hour to check on you, and if your pressure is steady, I'll sign those release papers."

"Thank you," Amanda replied as she left the room. She glanced down at the ultrasound pictures in her hand and began to cry. She placed the pictures at her side as she accepted the tissues Olivia gave her.

"Are you alright?" Olivia asked, sitting on the edge of the bed, stroking the blonde's leg. "That was a lot to take in."

"I know," Amanda coughed as she continuing to hysterically cry. "I just – I just –"

"Shh, it's okay."

"I'm so relieved," she finally managed to get out. Tears streaming down her eyes, struggling to steady her shoulders as she shook. She tried her best, knowing her breakdown wasn't helping her readings but she couldn't help it. The emotional rollercoaster the day had brought her was almost too much to bear. To go from not knowing if you're pregnant, to believing you were pregnant with the man who spent days assaulting you, to then finding out you were pregnant but with the man you actually loved and cared about. "Oh god."

"What? What is it?"

"Carisi," her tears came to a sudden halt as she was overcome with panic once again. "Oh my god, Carisi."

"Amanda."

"I can't… how am I… I don't…"

Olivia looked up at the monitor as it began beeping faster and faster. She placed her hands on Amanda's cheeks and turned her friend to look at her.

"Amanda, stop. Take a deep breath. In… and out… in… and out…" she waited a moment until Amanda calmed before she continued. "Let's take this one step at a time. This has been a lot. If you don't want to tell Carisi-"

"How can I not tell him, Liv?"

"It's your choice," Olivia replied. "You tell him on your terms in your own time, if having the baby is what you want. It's still your choice."

"I want it," Amanda admitted. "I do, I just… how do I tell him, after everything… I can't even face him."

"I think facing him is the first step. I know you've been through a lot, and I know the last thing you want is to affect him but by shutting him out he's being affected too. He has called every single day since we found you. Always asking if you're okay, have you eaten, can he do anything. He's called Jesse and Billie, been in touch with your mother."

"How do I even start to face him after I was so horrible to him?"

"Amanda, you've done nothing wrong. You need to heal how you need to heal. When you are ready, Carisi is going to be there with open arms. If that is today, that's great. If that's in 4 months or 4 years, that is okay too. You need to do what's best for you."

"I don't know how to face him," Amanda replied. "Carl was right. He's in my mind constantly. I can't get him out, and I know what he did – what I felt – it didn't mean anything but I still…"

"He's convinced you it did. Amanda, Carl plays mind games. That's what he's been doing this entire time. He made you fight to survive. He made you give in to things you didn't want. You said yourself he found ways to manipulate you. He did this to his other victims too, but they weren't so lucky. They disconnected, tried to imagine they were anywhere else so they didn't have to realize how real the trauma they were going through was – and he killed them for it. You played into his hand, you stayed present, you had to let yourself give in – and you did that long enough to save yourself. You did that enough to convince him you wanted to be there and tell us where you were. You lived Amanda. You can't expect yourself to bounce back and go on like normal. We all wish we could, but we're human and our trauma and our experiences are real. Carisi knows this too. Don't sell him short."

"Do you think he'll forgive me?"

"Amanda, there's nothing to forgive," Olivia took Amanda's hand in hers and looked her tearful friend in the eye before wrapping her in a tight embrace. "I promise you that."