FIND HER: THE HUNT FOR ROLLINS

By Arizona Romance

Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order: SVU or its characters. The following work is strictly fan fiction.

Story takes place several months after the Season 22 finale.

Note: There will be trigger warnings including kidnapping, rape, assault, etc. Please read to your own discretion.

Thanks so much for the reviews so far!

Chapter 15: The Meeting

"Well, you look like you didn't sleep any better than Amanda," Fin said as he opened the door to Amanda's apartment, seeing Olivia's exhausted expression.

"That bad, huh?" she sighed as she came in and closed the door behind her.

"How's Noah?" Fin asked as he watched her put her purse on the couch. "Excited to finally be home?"

"Sad, excited… a bit of both," Olivia replied. "I think had he come home when we originally intended, he would've been a bit sad. I was glad the camp could squeeze him in for those extra few weeks. I think he liked the independence. I've missed him, but honestly it couldn't have come at a better time. I don't think I could've given him the attention he deserved, and I feel awful. All last night he was telling me about the camp leaders and how they got to canoe, and I was so distracted knowing Amanda's meeting was set for today. I kept wondering how she was or if she needed me, and then I felt awful because Noah was there, and he really needed me to be fully present."

"Noah's a smart kid. He knows his mom's got a lot going on. You always make up for it."

"Thanks, Fin. How was Amanda?"

"As good as she could be. She called Jesse and Billie last night and went to bed. No dinner, barely said much after that. I heard her crying in her room for a bit, and then she was out."

"And this morning?"

"Woke up puking, I think she's anxious. She went back to her room about an hour ago. I keep checking to see if she's okay and she keeps saying she's fine but won't open the door. I didn't want to push. I haven't told her Carisi tried calling again this morning, I wasn't sure if she'd want to know."

"She refuses to see or speak to him. He's called almost every day to check on her."

"He's a wreck," Fin replied.

"I know. He's been calling the girls as well to check on them. I overheard her speaking to Jesse on the phone two weeks ago, and Jesse told her Carisi promised to take them for ice cream when they get back. I've tried to see if she'll speak to him, but she refuses."

"Sounds like she's battling some demons she doesn't want him to know about," Fin sighed. "I get it, that sort of trauma can damage a relationship real quick. Maybe she's trying to salvage it. Hopefully she comes around soon because he'd take a bullet for her, and as soon as she calls he'll come running."

"I know. Anyways, thanks for staying over last night, I'll go check on her," Olivia replied as she walked towards Amanda's room. She listened a moment to see if she could hear anything but all she could hear was silence. She gave a small tap, "Amanda?"

"Amanda?" she waited a moment, nervous when she didn't hear anything. Slowly she opened the door to make sure her friend was alright. She sighed as she saw Amanda sitting on the edge of her bed, tissues in hand, clothing sprawled across the room. "Amanda, are you alright?"

Olivia slowly closed the room behind her as she entered.

"I don't know what to wear," Amanda replied with a shrug.

"That's okay."

"I feel so bloated in everything, and my hair is a mess."

"Well, I heard you've been up sick, and the crying probably hasn't helped with the puffiness, but we have time. A few cold cloths will fix that," Olivia said softly as she watched Amanda nod.

"I don't know what to wear."

"Okay, what about this?" Olivia said as she pulled a flowered dress from the closet.

"I don't want to wear a dress."

"Okay, and these?" she asked, picking up a pair of navy pants off the ground.

"They're too tight," Amanda blew her nose. Olivia sighed as she turned and searched through her closet before pulling out a pair of black straight cut pants that seemed to have more give in fabric before showing them to Amanda. "I forgot I had those."

"Well, why don't you try them on. You can wear this black top and your navy blazer? Would that work?"

She watched as the blonde took the pants from her and put them on, sighing in relief as they buttoned up and were comfortable. She handed Amanda the top, turning to give her privacy as she took her robe off. After a few moments she turned around, watching Amanda's confidence return a little.

"You look great," Olivia offered a comforting smile before she left the room to get a few cold cloths, signalling to Fin that she was okay and back on track. They had an hour before they had to leave, which was more than enough time for Amanda to lay down with a few cold cloths, fix her hair, and hopefully have a bite to eat.

Olivia watched through the one-way mirror as Carl sat next to his lawyer. How Rita Calhoun could still agree to defend him was beyond her. She felt sick as she watched Carl continue to glance at the mirror, smirking - knowing they were watching him. The only thing that gave her a bit of solace was that he was handcuffed to the table. Part of his deal was he wanted to speak to Amanda alone, agreeing they could be present behind the one way glass as long as they weren't in the room. It made her blood boil that Amanda had agreed, just wanting to get the meeting over with. She glanced at Fin who has insisted on coming, and he didn't look any more impressed than she did. Even though Carl would be handcuffed to the table, so Amanda was without risk of physical injury – they knew that didn't stop the risk of any psychological strain she'd endure.

"It's fine. How much can he really say in 15 minutes?" Amanda had said unconvincingly, trying to act as if she could handle it. As much as Olivia wanted to admit it, the blonde's eyes said otherwise. She looked over at Amanda who stared intently at him, unable to take her eyes away. "Amanda, you can change your mind."

"No," Amanda shook her head. She took a deep breath and rolled her shoulders back to stand up straight, trying to look put together. "Let's get this over with."

Olivia glanced at Barba who knocked on the glass. Rita glanced up before saying a few last words to her client and then standing to head out the room.

"Rollins," Barba turned to her. "We'll be right out here. He makes a single threat and we're coming in. Otherwise I have the timer on. Not a second past fifteen minutes. If you've had enough you say so."

Amanda nodded to him as Rita opened the door for her to enter. Amanda took one last deep breath, glancing at Olivia and nodding before she entered.

As soon as she entered the room she felt her stomach turn and her heart sink but she tried not to let her discomfort show. She felt chills down her spine as Rita closed the door behind her. Although she'd seen him through the glass, somehow being on the other side of it felt like she was back in that room.

"Amanda," he said with a smirk. "Please take a seat."

Reluctantly, she did so. She sat there for a moment as he stared at her without a word. Her eyes were locked with his, as he stared at her as if she were a piece of artwork she was taking in. She felt disgusted, but if that was how he wanted to spend his 15 minutes before he rotted in a prison cell she could handle that. A part of her wanted to keep her mouth shut, for although these minutes were feeling like an eternity they weren't as bad as she had anticipated. The other part of her wanted to know why he asked for the plea deal. If getting into her head was so important, why not drag it out at a trial? She knew it was a risky question to ask, but there had to be more to this meeting than to watch her.

"So, are you just going to stare at me the whole time or was there a point to this?" she asked.

"I missed you. After all our time together, all that intimacy, is it so wrong to want to take you in for a moment?" he grinned. "I must say, you are glowing."

"If that's how you want to spend your time, go for it. Because this will be the last time you see me."

"I doubt that," he replied with a clever smirk.

"You made a deal. I'm holding up my end, which means you're going away. No judge is going to grant you early parole with your charges."

"I didn't say they would."

"You think I plan to visit you behind bars?" she shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Because if so, you're delusional."

"You might not have a choice," he replied with a heavy but happy sigh. Before she had the chance to say another word he spoke. "Do you think of me? I think of you. All the time."

"No," she answered sharply. "I don't."

"I thought cops were supposed to be good liars," he shrugged before leaning in. She did everything in her power not to flinch when he shifted forward, knowing he couldn't go any further, yet those few inches made a difference. "When you close your eyes, I bet my face is there."

"You're wrong."

"Anytime you lay in bed, I bet you imagine my body on yours," he grinned as he searched her eyes, knowing she was doing her best not to react but beneath the surface his words her getting to her. "You can still feel my hands on your thighs, the feeling of me inside you, taking you... making you mine. I bet I'm in your dreams, a constant feeling of my touch. I'm always there, aren't I?"

"No," she lied, knowing very well how many hours she'd spent trying to wash herself clean or how any time she passed a mirror when getting dressed and his face would appear in the mirror. He would be looking back at her each time she saw the spots where her bruises were still healing - the places he grabbed her and left his marks. Nearly every night she'd wake at least once, if not several times, her heart pounding dripping in sweat of night terrors of him. As much as she didn't want to admit it, his image stayed lingering like a shadow she couldn't escape.

"You haven't been with anyone since – have you?" he smirked when she didn't reply. "Scared no one can complete with how good I made you feel."

"Enough," Amanda unexpectedly snapped at him.

"Interesting…"

"What?"

"Who is he? Boyfriend? Husband?"

"What are you talking about?" Amanda asked confused.

"Doesn't want to see you anymore since you cheated on him, right?"

"I didn't cheat on anyone. You rap-" she stopped, unable to get the words out though she tried. She took a deep breath, steading her voice. "What happened was not consensual."

"Oh, so it's you that won't see him," he smirked and eyed her. "I was right."

"No, you aren't. You held me against my will, you forced me to –"

"To what?" he raised his voice a bit, then laughed. "I saw the way you reacted to me, the way you craved me. Not once that we were together did you not experience pleasure. You can't tell me you didn't want me, I felt you. You begged for me. You can't tell me that you haven't laid there and let me take you – given yourself to me."

Amanda closed her eyes for a moment, trying to remove herself mentally from the room. This was becoming too much. The time seemed to be dragging, why wasn't anyone coming for her. How could it have not been fifteen minutes already? She felt sick, her mind continuously flashing back. Her body began to ache as she recalled being tied to the bed, her wrists on fire. She began to recall how badly bruised her thighs had been when he forced himself on her. How she had to seduce him to take her on top so he wouldn't assault her from behind. How she had become so used to his routine, that after she'd given clues to Olivia in a desperate last attempt that she had completely given in. In a way Carl was right, she had laid there for him. Subconsciously she laid there, hands above her head, and dropped her knees. Worst of all, her body betrayed her over and over each time she experienced an orgasm, the most sickening of them all when he was inside her. As an SVU Detective she knew that what she experienced was just the body's natural response to being touched, she knew her actions of lying there was her subconscious trying to stay alive and experience the least amount of trauma. That sometimes victims had to play into their captor's sick games to stay alive, and that she'd done everything right because she was there, and she was alive. Olivia had told her this. Fin had told her this. Her therapist had told her this. She'd even tried to tell herself, but no matter how many times anyone would say it to her, it didn't take away the shame and trauma she was experiencing. It didn't take away the images she had in her head, or the guilt she felt constantly. Looking at herself from an outsider's perspective she kept telling herself what she clinically knew, it would take time but slowly and piece by piece she would be able to heal. Yet, on the inside she kept wondering if that was true.

"Well, I suppose it's a good thing you aren't seeing him, given the circumstances," Carl's voice snapped her out of her momentary trance.

"What circumstances?" Amanda asked, confused. As if on cue Barba opened the door, announcing their fifteen minutes was up and told Amanda to come while the officers took Carl back into custody. As she stood to leave, she stopped. She couldn't help it. That was what he wanted, to leave her wondering, to stay in her mind. She wasn't going to let him get his way. She turned to him and asked again, "what did you mean by circumstances?"

"What do you think I mean?" he asked, watching her closely as the police un-cuffed him from the table and began putting his hands behind his back.

"You know what, forget it," she sighed as she shook her head, muttering to herself on her way to the door where Olivia stood waiting for her. "I'm too tired for these stupid games."

"Yeah, it'd make sense you're tired," Carl grinned, having heard her. As Amanda was about to leave the room, she turned to look at him – his words catching her attention. "What's it been? 7… maybe 8 weeks? Any morning sickness yet? Breasts a little sore?"

"Get him out of here!" Barba snapped, not wanting to put Rollins through anymore.

As the officer escorted him to the doorway, Carl smiled at Amanda, his eyes locked with hers and managed to say his final words before being taken away, "I told you I'd make you mine."

As soon as he was gone, Barba looked at Amanda, "are you okay?"

The blonde stood there frozen, not a single sound was uttered. Her eyes shifted back and forth as if she were replaying a scene over and over, reviewing every little detail.

"Amanda, honey," Olivia took her arms, rubbing them for support. She stood in front of her trying to get her attention, to get her out of her trance. "Amanda, can you look at me?"

"Liv…"

"I know, Fin," Olivia replied glancing up at his concerned face before turning back to the blonde. "Amanda, he's gone. It's over."

"It's not over," she exhaled a heavy breath as she tried to focus. Her eyes were glossed over, and she had trouble focusing. Her breathing was becoming quickened and her skin paler than normal. She just shook her head, trying to stay steady on her feet. "He's right."

"Amanda-"

"I am his," she said with the last breath she had. As if on cue her eyes rolled to the back of her head and her legs gave out as she lost consciousness.