Chapter 4, "Amanda's Secret"

Two Months Later

Amanda

In my twenty-seven years, I have fallen in love precisely two times. The first time was with a fellow teacher at an academy on Earth two years after I received my Bachelor's degree, and it didn't end well. He wanted me to be a traditional wife who cooked, cleaned, and had children. Still, I wanted to educate students inside and outside of the Federation. Plus, I wasn't finished completing my education as I loved to learn. I wasn't against being a "traditional" wife, but I didn't feel ready to start that journey at age twenty.

"How are things at the Embassy," T'Pau asked over afternoon tea at my apartment one day.

"Well, thank you for asking," I pleasantly responded, taking a sip of the delicious drink.

Although I enjoyed translating documents for Earth's Ambassador to Vulcan, I immensely missed teaching students.

"Do not lie to me, Amanda," the great lady scolded me with a raised eyebrow. She knew me so well, and my cheeks turned pink in embarrassment.

"I miss teaching and interacting with students," I admitted, giving her a frown.

"Yes, I think that is perfectly normal. Do you enjoy working with Ben Walker?"

"Even though I do not see him too often during the day, yes. He has invited me to several diplomatic dinners and parties as his guest over the past four months," I revealed, blushing.

"Amanda, it is no secret that Mr. Walker's interest in you is personal. It has been mentioned to me, " T'Pau divulged after an extended silence.

"I have not given him any encouragement," I refuted.

T'Pau scrutinized me for a while and reminded me that my parents were supportive of the match. Without thinking, I responded that I didn't return his feelings.

"You are shielding, Amanda. You have someone else in mind. May I have your thoughts," she archly questioned.

Hesitantly, I consented. T'Pau had done a mind meld before, so I was familiar with the process.

Aghast and taken aback at what she found there, she declared, "What your heart wants cannot be so, Amanda."

My aunt Vulcan knew my heart belonged to Sarek, and I was in love with him. I felt both relieved and terrified at letting T'Pau know, but I knew my secret was safe, but I felt crestfallen that it could never occur.

Immediately, I began crying and confessed, "I know."

T'Pau didn't have to explain Sarek's importance in his role as an ambassador or their family's prominence to Vulcan society. Furthermore, I knew it was unfeasible for me to love Sarek. But I did adore him.

Sympathetically, T'Pau patted my shoulder then related a personal story,

"Amanda, I understand more than you think. I fell in love with a man who was decided unsuitable for me at a young age. I will not give you the details, but the man, not a Vulcan, returned my feelings. We ran away and eloped, and my family found us and had annulled the marriage immediately. He was banished to some distant planet to live his life alone."

"How sad! What about you," I exclaimed, my heart felt heavy for her..

"My parents punished me, and an ancient Vulcan ceremony cleansed me of the love for the man, and we never spoke about it again. Within two years, I married a prominent Vulcan, Ara'vik, and we began living our lives together."

T'Pau paused, and I knew it was arduous for her to speak of her feelings. However, I could tell she felt some remorse about this man's banishment and the outcome of the relationship. I knew better than to ask questions, as that would be considered disrespectful.

Also, I knew that Ara'vik, her husband of eighty years, treated her well and that they had three children together. She offered glimpses into her married life on occasion in the past two years, but not many. Ara'vik developed a disease that ended his life ten years ago, and T'Pau still mourned him.

"What should I do?"

"Amanda, that I cannot say. All I can say is that I will not inform anyone of your feelings," T'Paul sternly answered. A silence ensued.

"Is your work with Sarek satisfactory?"

"Yes, I enjoy teaching new members of his staff English and the ways to translate documents correctly," I automatically responded. The weight of my slim to none chances with Sarek depressed me, and it felt like a heavyweight upon me.

As one of her attendants required T'Pau's attention, my mind went back to the good-looking Ambassador, who had left for Earth two weeks ago. We began conversing a few times a week briefly when I first transferred to the Embassy, but our conversations grew longer as the second month went on. I helped him with secretarial work when his assistant left. Before he left, we said our goodbyes after eating our evening meal together.

"May I bring you anything back from Earth, Amanda," Sarek thoughtfully offered as I cleaned up the trash from our meal.

"A hamburger," I joked, hoping to see a slight smirk out of the Ambassador, and I was ecstatic when one appeared on his face. Simpering, I stopped my cleaning and reminded him that Vulcans don't smile.

"Indeed. Why do you talk about these hamburgers so often, Miss Grayson," he questioned almost in a teasing manner. The lines in his handsome face relaxed a little as Sarek spoke, but he looked tired as he raised an eyebrow.

"Oh! It's a twentieth-century American food, the hamburger added with french fries and a coke, it is perfect," I dreamily described.

Swiftly, I cautioned, "but it contains meat. There are veggie ones, but they don't taste quite the same."

"I see."

After Sarek packed his suitcase, we awkwardly stood in front of each other, saying our goodbyes.

"I hope you have a safe trip, Sarek, son of Skon," I wished with a twinkle in my eyes, " May I give you a traditional human farewell gesture, an embrace?"

Wordlessly, Sarek nodded, and I impetuously put my arms around his waist, exhilarated about having the chance to do so. I lowered my head on his chest, and I inhaled and exhaled his exotic alien scent. Then I shivered.

" I will miss you, Sarek," I confessed.

"As I will you," he gruffly replied, putting his arms around my waist and leaning his body into mine for a long moment. Blissfulness engulfed me as I felt his muscular body against my own, and my temperature rose.

"Thank you for indulging me," I whispered as I tentatively withdrew my arms from him.

"It was...quite...satisfactory, " Sarek remarked in his deep voice.

We examined the other's eyes for a while before he abruptly gave me the Vulcan salute.

"Live long and prosper," I repeated, smiling brightly.

When T'Pau returned, she inquired again about Ben Walker and my thoughts on marrying him.

"Ben is a good man, but our personalities aren't well suited for each other. He wants a woman to follow his orders blindly and give up her personality. I have too much of a strong will to do that, but Ben has been persistent, " I disappointedly relayed.

"Your parents have urged me to persuade you to accept him if he makes romantic gestures. Ergo, I find I cannot, " the older Vulcan woman revealed with a sigh.

At the time, I expected a reprimand from T'Pau instead of this revelation. Viewing my confusion, she clarified her opinion right away by saying,

"It is not because I think you should pursue Sarek, Amanda. You two come from different worlds, and it would be quite an enormous challenge."

My hopes disappeared, although I knew she was correct. Besides, there was not any proof that Sarek felt similarly about me.

"Still, I do not believe you would be happy with Ben Walker, and I have attempted to inform your parents about my opinion. Especially the fact that your personalities are widely diverse, but they seem determined," she continued.

"I thank you for explaining that to my family on my behalf," I countered, "Thank God, we don't have arranged marriages anymore."

"Are you prepared to face your family's disappointment and regret? I will not lie to you about the misery that I faced after the marriage was annulled," T'Pau solemnly commented. Her black eyes flashed in the light as she spoke.

"Honestly, I haven't given that any thought. What advice would you give to me in this predicament," I thoughtfully inquired after a pause.

"My only advice is to meditate on it and read Surak's Teachings."

"Cast out fear, rage, hate, and cast out passion, love, and joy," I incredulously repeated," isn't that what Surak says?"

"But you are not a Vulcan, Amanda. You do not have to follow these guidelines if you do not wish," T'Pau reminded, "Nonetheless, you must make a choice what to live your life by. As a visitor, I recommend that you try to follow Surak as much as possible."

I felt mystified and started sobbing.

"Your love for Sarek is both fierce and pure, Amanda. Even if he returns your feelings, it might not be the same as a human could. I only say these things to open your mind to contemplate the options. I do not like giving you information that causes you pain. You are a niece to me, family, that will not change, regardless of your future choices", she promised, putting her hand on my shoulder to offer comfort.

"Thank you, T'Pau, I consider you an Aunt," I admitted, and her lips spread into a small affectionate smile for one second.

"May I suggest that you dig deeper into your soul? She inquired, thoughtfully.

"Yes, ma'am," I sniffled and bowed my head reverentially.

"May I ask if you plan on informing Sarek of your feelings?" T'Pau questioned.

"No, I couldn't handle the rejection, and he has not given me any indication that he feels the same," I vehemently stated.

"Men have difficulty expressing their feelings in nearly all species, dear. I must leave now, but please come to my family's evening meal early next month. I will contact you with more details shortly," she wryly responded with an eyebrow raised.

"Yes, ma'am," I rose from my chair as she did.