Goodbyes
It was Christmas morning. And as every Christmas morning, Chris was procrastinating in her bed. Most of the years, Hicks gave 20-Squad their day off so they could celebrate Christmas with their family. Hondo had been clear on this. Christmas was non-negotiable.
Talking of family, Chris was expected at Uncle Sarzo and Auntie Elena's at noon to celebrate with them the holidays. She had already texted them she will be late. Not that she didn't want to go there. She loved her uncle and aunt, cousins and second cousins. It was just that she was lazy today. She wanted to remain a little longer under the quilt. Looking through the windows, watching birds flying or just the blue sky.
As she was wondering how the dove and pigeon in the tree just in front of her window could hold on the same branch without it broke, she was surprised by the sound of the doorbell.
She got up in a hurry, disheveled. "Still in pajamas. Seriously who can come on Christmas morning?!" She mumbled on her way to the door, trying to do her hair quickly and grabbing a sweat to put over her Donald Duck tee shirt.
"Street?" She was surprised to see his teammate and friend there on Christmas morning. "What are you doing here?"
He let out a faint laugh. "Merry Christmas to you too, Chris." He answered immediately.
"Oh" She reacted right after his punchline. "Merry Christmas to you too, Street."
"Can I come inside?"
She nodded, still surprised to see him here. "Yes, yes, of course."
He entered her apartment, looking all around. Nothing had changed since the last he came to help her when she drifted away after Erika's death. After he told her how he felt. After she dived into her deepest darkness.
"So, what are you doing here, Street? Is everything ok? Should you…" She didn't end her sentence as she remembered he had no family left. His mom died a few months ago, burying with her the semblance of family he had left.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to…"
"It's ok, Chris. I forgot about my mom too, sometimes..."
"You want something to drink? Coffee, tea, water…" She was trying to fix her mistake but she could see by his look he was still sad over Karen. Whatever mother she had been, she will always be his mother. And losing a mother was never easy, as awful as she was. She could relate to that.
"No thanks." He was certainly not making things easier.
She saw him fidgeting with his fingers. He was anxious about something. Before she could say a word, he opened his mouth.
"Chris… If I came here today… I came here today because… " He cleared his throat before keeping talking. "I'd would like to… Would you come somewhere with me?"
She frowned and looked at him quizzically.
"I know it's mysterious but please do me this honor… And after I let you alone, I promise…"
She looked at him for while, trying to penetrating Jim's mystery but he was unreadable, even to her. A first! He was so serious, so in control.
"Can I at least get a change?"
"Of course, of course. Not in a rush!" He replied, suddenly a little panicked.
"Give me ten minutes, just time to be fit to be seen." She vanished in her bedroom and looked for some fancy clothes she could use at Uncle Sarzo's after. She combed her hair and seized one of her jackets on the back of a chair.
"Ready!" He was waiting for her, seated in the sofa. As he saw her appeared in the living room, he smiled. One of his goofy smiles. She hates her at this precise moment to feel more than friendship for him.
He got up and took his helmet, which was next to him. She followed him till his bike, parked right in front of her building. He handed her the other helmet.
"We're taking your bike, I suppose…"
"Good guess, quite observant!" She rolled her eyes to try to look pissed. In fact, she was more curious and intrigued by Jim's behavior.
"You won't tell me where we're going, right?"
"No."
"You're pretty stubborn."
"Learned from the best!" He pouted at her. She blushed and quickly put the helmet on her head to hide her awkwardness.
He got on his bike and turned the engine on. Chris remained frozen on the pavement.
'You're getting on or what?" Jim started to tease her.
"Yeah, yeah." She placed behind Street and shyly put her arms around his waist. She wished there was another way to hold on this engine but unfortunately for her, it wasn't. Despite all the scenarios she had tried to write in her head, she could only sit on the bike and hold Jim close, not to fall from it.
She hated to admit to herself that she loved the contact she had with Jim's body, that she enjoyed having him so close. That she would like to feel him like this often, more often. She pressed his waist tighter as the bike started to move, afraid not to be able to stand still. And she hated even more herself when she felt sensations in her body she thought she would never feel again.
They rode through LA. First East Hollywood, Thaï Town, Little Armenia before entering Hollywood Boulevard. Its stars on the ground, the Chinese Theater, all the concert halls. The Roosevelt Hotel. On this Christmas morning, the boulevard was almost empty. Chris saw the luminous signs announcing concerts, new TV shows and movies passing through her eyes as Street sped up a little.
Soon the big luminous signs let place to little houses, huge trees and trendy bars and restaurants as they arrived at Studio City. She didn't understand where they were going. Jim was still driving, not saying a word. Which was weird coming from him. They kept swallowing up the miles. She got lost at one point when they drove past Beverly Hills and its big mansions and expansive houses. He finally parked the bike fifteen minutes later, in a large and desert space.
Chris got off the bike, followed by Street who quickly removed his helmet.
"Welcome to the secret place I wanted to take you…"
Chris removed her helmet and looked over her. "A cemetery…"
"Not any random cemetery, Chris…"
She looked around once again and paid attention to all the details. And it hit her. The place had changed since the last time she came but she recognized the big oak tree. Still the same, even 20 years after. Always so majestic. Looking after the place as it did in 2000 when she went there on a rainy Thursday afternoon. She turned again to Street.
"Why? Why are you bringing me here? Why bringing me to the cemetery where her mom is buried on Christmas morning?"
She didn't know if she should cry or scream right now. Instead, she chose to be cold and harsh. It was her way to hide her emotions. To protect herself.
"How do you know?" She asked brusquely to Street who was still in front of her to know what his next move will be. He knew that by doing this, he will push her in her last corner. But it needed to be done. Even if, right now, she was about to kill him. He could see this just by seeing the dark look she was throwing at him.
"Asked Uncle Sarzo…"
"Really? You called my Uncle for this?" She tried to look pissed when deep down she enjoyed the fact Street and her uncle got on so well since she introduced them, right after Street integrated SWAT, five years ago.
"He didn't seem pissed… In fact, he was… Happy to talk about his sister…"
"Why are you doing this, Street?"
"For you to say goodbye properly… Like you allow me to do with my mom… And for this, I'll be eternally grateful to you…"
She lowered the head, she was touched by his last words… Even if she didn't allow him to invade her privacy. She saw him unzipping his jacket and taking out two white roses from.
He handed one of the flowers to her. "One for you, one for me. You remember…"
She finally looked at him in the eyes, but this time, her dark look had vanished letting place to the eyes of the little girl becoming big, ready to say goodbye to her mom, whatever she had done. She took the rose Jim was handed to her and walked till the entrance of the cemetery.
Passing through this large gate reminded her of bad memories. Fortunately for her, today, the sun was there. She looked at the map of the place. She had vague memories from the place and for a moment, she didn't remember where the grave of her mother was. She read the legends. Drew a path with her forefinger on the map and started to walk towards a large alley.
After ten minutes of walk, she stopped. Took a deep sigh. And stood in front of a grey-marble grave. Street was behind her and took some seconds to check on the name on it: "Maria Carmen Alonso – Lovely mother and sister – May she rest in peace. 1965-2000". He swallowed hard reading those words, which hurt like hell.
She was 35 when she died. Chris's age today or so. So young. Which meant she was still a kid when she had Chris. A kid having a kid. Sarzo entrusted him when he called him a few days ago. He could feel the pain in the man's voice. Despite the years passing, it was still there.
He, then, focused on Chris. She was motionless, gazing at her mom's tomb. Fist closed. Her muscles all tightened. Jim could witness the stress, the suffering, the pain she was in and still, he knew she had to confront this alone, knowing he was just there, behind her, ready to help her through the process.
"Hi, Mom." She finally said. "Been a long time." And then again, this heavy silence. "What's up?"
She started to laugh nervously. Barely crying. She did her best to keep the tears inside of her. No need to drop tears for this woman who had always let her down. Until she couldn't restrain anything. The tears began to roll over her cheeks on their own.
Street remained beside her. Trying to maintain some distances until he eventually put his hand over her shoulder, to let her know she was not alone. That he was here for her any time. She broke even more. He heard her sobbing.
"A good friend of mine told me that you lay a white rose on the grave of a person you love to say goodbye…"
She turned quickly, to give him a faint smile. And uncovered her swollen, red eyes. He took this as a proof of the trust she felt for him. The same he felt for her from the moment he had met her.
She dropped the white rose she had in her hand on the top of the grave.
"Hey, Mom, It's me, Chris… How are you?" She turned to Street. "This is ridiculous." He nodded no with his head.
"It's not… You need this, Chris, isn't it the biggest regret of your life? Maybe it's time to fix this… You can't keep all this anger and resentment inside you… It's not healthy… Believe me, you need this. To feel better, to move on…"
She pouted before sniffing. He was right. She needed to confront the truth, as hard as it was. She saw him do the same thing the day of Karen's funeral. His eulogy touched her. She could recognize herself in his story. She had been through the same dark waters. At least, not exactly the same, but something similar. His words had given her goosebumps. She swallowed hard. She had to say goodbye. She needed to. To start a new chapter. For her own sanity. Jim was right, she couldn't stay like this, chewing over her missed childhood, her absent mother. Suffering not to have said goodbye when she had the chance to.
She cleared her throat between some sobbing and sniffing. "Our relationship has not been the most beautiful… I've loved you as much as I've hated you. I carried you and I've been relieved when you passed away. I've always secretly hoped you looked like these perfect moms I saw on TV or the ones waiting for their kids in front of the school. And yet, you let me down every time…"
The tears became more urgent. More intense.
"You were my mom, you were supposed to protect me… Instead I was the one protecting you… I mean trying to protect you from your demons…But I was not enough… Never been enough, despite everything I did…. For a long time, I've thought I have not been a good daughter, that I could, I should have done more… Until I've recently realized, I could have done everything, I could have done the impossible, I could have taken the stars out of the sky, nothing would have changed… I was nothing to you compared to your bottles of alcohol and your boxes of pills…"
This time, she couldn't restrain the tears, which made her body feeling weak. She sat in the grass, crossed-legged to let her body totally give up. She felt dizzy, queasy, sick. She needed to let out the anger, to cry, she eventually hit hard the ground with her fist until what was left of her anger and strength left her.
Street knelt near her and hugged her. She fought at first. Hitting him with her fists. And she finally gave up and cried. She nestled her head on his shoulder and let out her pain, her suffering. All the feelings she was keeping deep down herself for so long now.
He pressed her body tighter against his. He wanted to let her know he was here and that he will never let her down, she was too precious to him. She let out her pain for some long minutes, curled up into his arms. He took the liberty of smelling her hair for a quarter of seconds before focusing on making her feel safer.
She eventually raised her head and smiled at Jim. Her mascara had blackened her eyes and cheeks. And even like this, she was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen.
"Thank you…" She mumbled. He gave her a faint, embarrassed smile.
"You're feeling a little better?"
She nodded. She was. She had finally said goodbye to the woman she had called mom. She had told her all that was over her heart for 35 years. And it was as if a weight had left her shoulders.
She swallowed hard. She was embarrassed to have shown this part of her to Jim. But at the same time, she knew he was the only one she could allow her to be like this with.
"Would you like to come with me at Uncle Sarzo's… For Christmas lunch… Auntie Elena always makes so much food for all of us… They won't be bothered if I'm bringing someone…" She took a deep breath. "If I'm bringing a plus-one…"
At this moment, she was terrified he could say no. Because she wouldn't be able to handle this answer.
"Making things official, then, you know…" Jim told shyly. Not very his type but it was cite to see him like this. As awkward and embarrassed as she was." She giggled, like the teenager she had never been.
"I guess… Unless you don't want to…" She lowered her head before feeling his hand raising her chin so she could look at him in the eyes.
"Nothing would make me prouder than being your boyfriend, Mrs. Alonso."
She smiled at him and gave him a shoulder knock on his arm.
"Ouch!"
She laughed. "As if I really hurt you."
"You had…"
Seeing her uneasiness as she processed what he had just told, he changed the conversation, trying to make things lighter.
"Yes, I'm hurting, you really hit hard. This is because of all the hours you've spent on a ring, you don't realize how…"
Before he could keep going, Chris's mouth was on his. Her tongue was dancing with his. He stopped thinking and only focused on the urge of the situation. He wanted her, he needed her. He took her head in his hands to intensify the kiss. He felt her arms embracing his waist and pressing hard. He loved her taste, her warmth, her spirit.
He enjoyed the moment to stroke her face, this sweet face he had been looking at for the last five years and he was afraid to lose at any moment. Way too precious. Way too stubborn. Way too everything to him.
They separated after some minutes, out of breath, forehead against forehead. He felt her hands leaving his lower back. For a second, he panicked till he felt them stroking his forearms. She was not going anywhere, not this time. He could feel it. She was 100 percent his. As he had already been 100 percent hers for the last 5 years.
"We should go…" She started to tell him softly.
"Yeah… Won't mind to remain stuck here still some more time…"
"In the middle of a cemetery?" She teased him.
"No, with you, idiot." He answered, giggling.
"I got this, I was teasing you… Way too easy." She stole a last kiss from him before walking towards the exit.
He ran to follow her, she walked so fast. As if she was so light, she could almost fly. As he arrived next to her, their arms brushed, causing them both goosebumps. He took his chance and grabbed her hand in his. She didn't push him, not even tried to escape. On the contrary, she pressed his and turned to him, grinning. Her eyes were still swollen to have cried so much on her mother's grave but it was as if it had made her clean with her past. As if she was born again.
They quickly went to the bike. Time was running out. He sat first on bike and turned on the engine. She sat beside him and placed her arms around his waist. This time, she pressed him tighter. She didn't want him to go anywhere. She needed to feel he was not a dream, that he was really here. That they were there, together, teammates, friends and now more.
She eventually put her face against his back. Despite the helmet, she could feel Jim's warmth. She felt safe. Calm. At peace with all the inner fights she could have had in the past. Jim turned to her before moving the bike.
"Ready?"
She took a deep breath. "Yes." She answered with determination. He smiled before lowering the visor of the helmet and hit the road. Uncle Sarzo and Auntie Elena were waiting for his girlfriend to celebrate Christmas.