It was weird.
It was weird working out with him and it was weird on the way to the station.
She tried not to let it be weird. She tried to act as normal as possible. She really tried, because she felt stupid about it all. And at this point, she was just aiming to put it all behind her and start fresh.
It was for the best. This was all so complicated and weird, to begin with. It didn't need to get any worse.
But despite her best efforts to conceal it, which she knew were actually very solid, she was pretty sure he still knew something was off.
She also knew he'd have no idea what it was, given that she was pretty sure he had zero clue she was even upstairs late last night and would have no reason to connect those dots.
And in her mind now, even if he somehow knew she has been upstairs—he'd have no reason to think that would bother her. If there was nothing between them, hearing what she heard wouldn't have an effect on her anyway, besides just being awkward as hell. But it wouldn't be something that would make her upset.
That was her mindset now. Whether she truly believed it, or she was putting up a front to prevent getting hurt even more, she was proceeding as though everything she'd thought, hadn't actually been true. There was nothing between them. There never had been. He'd been coming out of his shell with her because that's just what happened when people got more comfortable with each other. There was nothing more there than a friendship.
And that mindset sucked. It really did. But it kind of felt better than thinking he liked her and still had sex with Mellie anyway, 'cause why not. Might as well get his fair share of women, or something.
That so did not seem like the sweet guy she thought she knew. But at this point, she had no idea what to think. Only that her mindset now, was probably for the best, and she knew it would help her get over things more quickly. She didn't need to linger on anything that made her sad.
She had come to New York City for one thing only, and her mind had been beginning to think about more than just school, and her future career. And she didn't need that. She needed to remain focused on what she always had been.
New York City was about one thing and one thing only.
He kind of tried to get her to talk a little more on the train, it seemed like. She chatted and laughed with him back, as best she could.
But eventually, the two just started reading, and that was the end of it.
He asked for her to text her when she got to school as soon as they reached his building, and as always, she assured him that she would.
And aside from that text, she didn't expect to interact with him anymore over the phone until the end of the day came near. But he texted her after lunch, and it caught her off guard.
Fitz: Hey.
But she responded.
Olivia: Hey.
Fitz: Is everything okay today?
Olivia: Yes, of course.
She even included a thumbs-up emoji, in hopes that that would do the trick. She hated to lie to him, but she certainly wasn't going to send him a text detailing the truth. What a fiasco that would be—having that in their text messages. Definitely not an option.
Fitz: You can tell me if it's not. I am always here.
And that made her want to cry. But she didn't. She hated crying, actually.
Olivia: Thanks, Fitz. Everything is okay though!
The exclamation point made her feel like a fraud.
Fitz: Okay. I will see you later. Have a good rest of your day, Liv.
Olivia: You too.
She sighed and put her phone away, not even wanting to touch it again until she was forced to text him later after school.
She played it cool enough to where none of her friends noticed that anything was getting to her either. Not Stephen, not Quinn, not Nia, and not even Huck.
And she had told her mom yesterday that she'd give her a call later tonight, so she would also have to be her most cheery self with her, as well.
It would all be fine. She was genuinely a very cheery person, so this wasn't anything new.
It was all her fault to begin with, anyway. It wasn't her fault that she had developed feelings for him. She knew that. But it was her fault for flirting with him, despite the fact that she was so sure he flirted back. It was her fault for entertaining thoughts about him that she could have tried to shut out. And it was very clearly her fault for hearing what she heard yesterday.
Which had been—disgusting.
So by the time she left school that day, right at 3:00 since it was quieter for Fitz at the office on Fridays, she was feeling like she had more of a handle on her feelings.
She certainly didn't feel happy about any of it. But she didn't really know what option she had at this point, other than to just work on forgetting about it all—if possible.
Fitz, though, definitely wasn't making that easy on her. The passing of a whole day seemed to only make him question more whether or not she was okay.
She really did appreciate his concern, it was sweet, and she knew he literally had no idea what was truly the cause.
But she also wasn't going to just outright say "yeah, dude, heard you and your wife fucking last night. Unacceptable. Can you not do that? Thanks."
She kind of wished she had the guts to say that.
But she didn't want to feel the embarrassment that would come with telling him what was wrong. Because that meant admitting everything, when she wasn't sure it was mutual. And right now, she just didn't want to talk about it, anyway. So she continued to lie.
"Has your day...gotten any better?" he asked, putting his hands comfortably in his suit pants pockets.
"My day's been good yeah," she replied. "How was your day?"
"Um...it was okay. Look, Liv. You just...you don't seem like...Olivia today. And I'm worried. I just want...I want to make sure you know I'm always here for you if you want to talk about anything."
Her heart could have melted.
"Fitz, truly, everything is fine," she nodded. "I really appreciate your concern, and that you're there for me. You're...a really great friend to me. But you don't need to worry."
He scratched his head, looking over at her uncertainly.
"Okay. I just...I can't help but think that...I did something. Please tell me...you know, if I did. Please, I just want to make it right if that's the case," he replied.
It got harder and harder by the second to stay strong. But him "making it right" in this scenario didn't exist. There was nothing right in this situation, or about why she felt hurt. So again, she just tried to stay strong. She'd be fine.
"Fitz," she said, giving him a smile. "Really. Everything is okay. What do I have to say for you to believe me?"
He sighed, adjusting his briefcase strap. "Okay. Okay. I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be sorry," she replied. "So how was your day, really?"
"It was okay. I was productive. Just happy it's the weekend now," he answered.
"Yeah," she nodded with a sigh. Now she could just have a nice little break from her commutes with him. She didn't have to see him as much during the weekends if she didn't want to—she practically had a whole basement to herself and could elect to only come upstairs for meals if she really wanted. Or to see Karen, or Hank.
Maybe that was what she needed. A nice, relaxing weekend just to get her mind right.
"Happy it's the weekend too."
After a quieter-than-usual commute, on the train and in the car, they were finally home.
They didn't have to pick up Karen today, because she didn't have any after-school activities on Fridays. She'd take the bus home, and be home about fifteen minutes after they got home.
Mellie was already home as well, having a nice schedule this Friday.
Olivia greeted Mellie kindly when she walked in the door, despite how much she kind of wanted to...well, send Brienne of Tarth to beat her up or something.
Okay, stop being mean.
"How was your day?" Mellie asked pleasantly.
"It was good," Olivia nodded. "How was the hospital today?"
"Oh, good. Busy. But...always nice to help people," she nodded.
"We need more people like you in this world, Mellie," Olivia said, heading downstairs.
Internally she was cursing her, but feeling guilty about it.
"You are too sweet, Liv," Mellie giggled. She turned to Fitz and gave him a subtle nod.
He nodded briefly back, and then passed by her without a damn word.
He didn't plan to come back out until Karen got home, and then hopefully he could steer clear of Mellie until he had to make dinner.
The only thing on his mind was Olivia. Something was weird. Something wasn't right.
Today had been off.
She seemed to be…fine, it wasn't like she looked or sounded outright unhappy. But she wasn't as chatty. Wasn't as cheery. Wasn't...Olivia. Everyone had bad days, he knew that. But it all just felt off, especially when it had been just the two of them together earlier. She seemed fine toward Mellie, he thought.
And once Karen got home, she seemed thrilled to see her. Which, was no surprise. He found himself smiling, seeing Karen run with her little backpack toward Olivia, who'd come upstairs to greet her.
Olivia had gasped, reaching her arms out for her, and Karen had jumped into them. She was little. Little enough to be easily lifted by Olivia in a very happy hug.
Fitz had been smiling by the kitchen, waiting for his hug. He'd made eye contact with Olivia, and she'd been smiling. But pretty quickly after, she'd looked away from him.
That hurt.
After he got his very happy hug from his little girl, and got the low down on her day, he returned to his office.
It was Friday. He sure as hell wasn't going to do any work. But Mellie was chatting on the phone with her mother in the living room, and Olivia was singing while Karen played the piano. He could hear it. Man, K was getting so good at her piano.
And Olivia's voice was as beautiful as ever.
Seeing as though Olivia seemed a little more cheery with everyone else, particularly Karen, it reinforced his thought that he'd done something.
And the only thing he could think of was their moment in the car yesterday.
If that woman in her car hadn't scared the literal hell out of both of them, he would have kissed her.
He knew he would have, because he'd been thinking about it for a day now, wondering what exactly would have happened if he had been given even a few more minutes with her alone in that parking lot.
But they didn't talk much after it had almost happened. They'd had dinner, he'd done some work in his office and she'd helped Karen with her piano and her homework, as well as her own homework. Like the amazing person she was. And then they didn't interact for the rest of the evening, unfortunately. The rest of his evening, in general, had been...not great.
But they hadn't talked about it, and he wondered if it had scared her. So now he was just worried. Worried he'd made her uncomfortable, which was exactly what he didn't want to do.
He was just so confused overall, because he could have sworn she was leaning too. He could have sworn she was going to kiss him back. He thought she liked him. He really thought so. He thought there were so many different signs and things she was doing that gave that away. Which then made him think that what almost happened in the car had nothing to do with her less-cheery mood today.
He didn't know at this point. This was all so fucked up—it hurt his head. So he tried not to continue to think about it. But that proved to be hard when all he could hear was her voice singing in the music room for the next hour.
He sat at his desk for a while, putting his head in his hands, leaning his elbows on the wood. Feeling the onset of a headache, which he knew was stress-related. Feeling so anxious. Knowing it had already been one of his bad days, and would likely continue through the night.
He was bouncing his knees under his desk, just like Olivia had been doing yesterday on the train. It was probably one of those times he would have benefitted from his meds, even though he hated taking them with a passion.
His period of deep thinking and stressing was eventually interrupted by a sweet voice outside his office.
"Daddy?"
His head whipped up and he cleared his throat, letting out a deep breath.
"Come on in, honey," he said.
She opened the door and smiled in at him.
"Hey, sweetheart," he smiled.
"Hey, dad."
"What's up?" he asked.
"I wondered...could I go play with Casey later?" she asked hopefully.
"Uh...sure, honey. What time?" he asked.
"After dinner," she said. "And then Susan will drop me back off at home later. Casey told me."
"Okay. Did you talk to mom?" he asked.
"She's on the phone with grandma Maggie," Karen said.
"Okay," he nodded. "I'll talk to her when she's done. I'm sure she or I can drop you off."
"Okay!" Karen exclaimed. "Thanks, dad."
"You bet," he smiled. "I'll get started on dinner then."
She jumped up and down excitedly. "Yay! What are you making?"
He got up, coming around and lifting her up in his arms, groaning at her weight as if she was heavy. She was tiny. But it made her giggle.
"I don't know. What do you want?" he asked, kissing her cheek and setting her down.
"Mmm. How about the...the chicken pasta Liv is good at making," she said, looking up at him.
He sighed internally. Oh dear.
"Uhh...well, I'm not sure I know how to make that, K. And I don't want Olivia to have to come and make dinner," he replied.
"What about me?" Olivia asked, hearing her name. She had just gotten out of the bathroom, and was heading toward the basement.
"Liv, I wondered if you could make the chicken pasta that you make? From your mom's restaurant?" Karen asked hopefully. "But if you don't want to, that is okay."
She instantly smiled. "Oh, the chicken parmesan pasta?"
"Yes!" Karen exclaimed.
"You don't have to," Fitz mouthed to her, standing behind Karen.
Olivia looked at Karen's sweet face and of course, couldn't say no. Plus, she didn't mind. She enjoyed cooking.
"Anything for you, sweetie. But we've gotta make sure we have everything we need here at the house to make it, okay?"
"Okay! I will help you look!" Karen said. "Dad. You can help too?"
"Sure, sweetheart. I will help too," he chuckled, as they all headed toward the kitchen.
They did, indeed, have all of the ingredients, so they got a start on it. All three of them.
Fitz tried to catch Olivia's eye while they were cooking, but it was to no avail. Either she was so invested in cooking or she didn't care to look at him back.
Mellie was made aware of the details involving Karen and Casey's play date when she was done talking to her mom, and she said she'd take her after dinner. Luckily, Casey's house wasn't very far away.
When dinner was ready, they were all happy because they'd gotten pretty hungry. And that chicken parmesan pasta was damn good.
Fitz hadn't ever had it before, but he was glad his daughter had suggested it because it was delicious. They'd helped her a little bit, but for the most part, it was all Olivia. She'd cooked a little bit for them before, but mostly just quick lunches or breakfasts here and there. Which, had all been good. But this was the first real larger meal she'd made, and he was impressed.
During dinner, he felt like everyone was specifically trying not to talk to him.
He knew that wasn't Karen's intention, at least. She was just caught up in Mellie and Olivia's conversation about "Game of Thrones", and how Mellie was surprised that Olivia liked it so much.
"You know, I do have to say, I didn't think it was going to be this good. I thought it was overrated and didn't deserve the hype," Olivia said. "But I was so very wrong."
Mellie shook her head. "See, I just could not get past the first episode. I tried, I really did. But...it's too vulgar for me," she said.
Yes, Mellie. We all know that.
"It is very...graphic," Olivia nodded with a wince.
"Yes. The blood and gore doesn't bother me much. I've seen my fair share at work. But...the storylines! My goodness, everyone is just so...evil!" Mellie exclaimed.
Olivia was kind of laughing in response, and Fitz just kept sitting there eating his dinner in silence.
"When will I be grown up enough to watch, mom?" Karen asked.
"Oh, dear, you would never like it. I assure you," Mellie said distastefully.
"Awww," Karen groaned.
"When you're old enough you can see for yourself if you like it," Fitz said, smiling at his daughter. Mellie eyed him, giving him a fake smile. Inside he knew she wanted to glare at him, but he didn't care.
"Yay!" Karen said, continuing to eat her dinner happily.
He moved his fork around in his pasta, peering over at Olivia with discretion. She was smiling at Karen. And her smile made his heart pound.
He wished she'd just tell him exactly what was wrong. He knew something was, no matter what she said. It was agonizing, not being on normal terms with her.
After dinner and cleaning up the kitchen, Mellie took Karen over to Casey's. Fitz was about to strike up a conversation with Olivia, but she was pretty much instantly dialing a number on her phone, and putting it up to her ear. And then she slipped through the basement door, and headed downstairs.
He had been walking toward her, but immediately stopped, seeing her go downstairs.
He sighed, looking down at the floor. Well, so much for that.
Bark.
His head turned to Hank, who was patiently sitting by one of the deck doors.
"Oh. Hey buddy. You need to go outside?" he asked. Karen had just fed him after dinner, so he could probably stand to go outside.
His tail wagged excitedly as Fitz approached the door, and opened it for him. And then he sprinted outside and down the deck stairs.
At least Hank made him chuckle. He was a funny, cute little guy.
But seeing as he didn't know what else to do, he went and poured himself a drink, and sat down in the living room to read his book.
Scotch and reading, that was something he enjoyed.
Meanwhile, Olivia was downstairs, chatting with her mom on the phone.
"Well, baby, I'm so happy the presentation went so well yesterday, I knew I had to hear all about it. I miss having our late Friday nights at the restaurant. Re-hashing our weeks."
"I miss those too, ma. I really do," Olivia nodded sadly. "And I miss you!"
"I miss you too! I have to admit, I'm still adjusting to having the house all to myself. Frankie comes by a lot, too. He says it's to make me feel better, but I think he misses you and needs the company too!"
Olivia was laughing and smiling at the mention of her sweet uncle Frankie.
"Aww! Well tell uncle Frankie I miss him back, I really really do. I texted him a few days ago about one of my English papers but he's still not a very good texter," she laughed.
"No, he is not," Marie replied, laughing. "Trust me, I get on him for that. He prefers written communication or...phone calls."
"I know he does," Olivia laughed. "Well, I can't wait for Thanksgiving break so I can see you all again. I can...I can work as many shifts as possible when I come home, too, and pay for my flights there and back."
"Oh, nonsense," Marie said immediately. "You just...you don't worry about it. You don't worry about a thing, I will take care of it."
Olivia sighed. "Are you sure, mom?"
"Yes, I am sure. I'm your mother. It's my responsibility. You don't need to pay for none of that, you already have paid for so much that I wish you hadn't needed to."
"Oh, mom," Olivia replied. "This was my dream. And...it certainly hasn't been cheap. I am more than happy to contribute in any way possible."
"I know that, baby, I know," Marie nodded. "And I love you for it. But don't worry about it. Any time you wanna come home, you just say so and I'll book your flight right then and there. I miss my baby."
"I miss you too, mom," Olivia smiled. She'd learned that her mother certainly never seemed to tire of hearing that she missed her. She didn't think parents would ever tire from hearing that.
"Of course you miss your old mom!" Marie exclaimed, which had Olivia laughing. "So...everything's still been going okay there? You're still liking it?"
Well. Been a little shaky recently.
"Yes," Olivia nodded. "I love it here."
But that was still 100% true. New York was still the best.
"Good. I'm really so happy you do. That family still being kind? Still treating you how they should?" Marie asked.
"Oh yes. They're a wonderful family," Olivia nodded.
"Good. That's all I care about. I knew that would be a good option for you. Makes me feel a little better knowing you've got nice people there to come home to and help you out," her mom said.
Oh lord, if she only knew the full extent of this family. But she didn't want to worry her mother, ever. She had so much to deal with at home, and Olivia didn't ever want to add to that.
"Yeah. Well, I'll let you get back to work, mom. I'm gonna...get ready for bed. Take a bath. Have an early Friday night, I think. It's been a long week!" Olivia said.
"Oh, honey, I feel you there. That sounds like a wonderful evening," Marie said. "You have a good night okay, baby?"
"Alright, you too mom. Bye, I love you."
"I love you, Livvie."
Olivia hung up the phone, thinking she did pretty damn well with that conversation.
In all reality, though, she still felt pretty down. She'd been faking it in front of people all day, and it felt good knowing she was going to relax and take a break from all that and just be alone now.
She plugged in her laptop so it was charged for the weekend, and hung up her backpack on her coat hook. She was about to start getting ready to go take a bath, but then she heard the basement door open, and the TV turn on.
And she knew instantly who was downstairs. Karen was at Casey's, and she'd heard Mellie come home from dropping her off a little bit ago, but never once had Mellie come down to watch TV.
There was only one person who did. And he just knocked on her door.
Her eyes wandered to her door, wondering if she could not answer it.
She sighed. You have nowhere else to go, Olivia.
She walked slowly over to her door and opened it a little bit.
"Hi," he greeted, looking in at her.
"Hi," she greeted back.
"I was just seeing if you were off the phone," he said.
"I am. What's up?"
"Can I come in?" he asked.
"Um...how come?" she asked.
"Because. I'd really like to talk."
"About what?" she asked.
She knew. But she tried to conceal. Continued to put up a front that she was beginning to think wasn't ever going to work.
"Please. Just...please," he said.
And that face. That look. Those eyes.
Those pleading, beautiful blue eyes. Goddammit.
She hesitantly let him pass her into her room, feeling as though she might regret it.
Despite how long she'd been staying here, he had never really come into her room like this. Not since the first day she was here, when he'd brought her things down here for her.
He tended to steer clear, seeming as though he didn't want to intrude on her space. But clearly, his reason for doing so tonight had him feeling a little more brave.
"Something's not okay. Something...is wrong. And don't tell me that I'm wrong, because I'm not, and I know it," he said quietly, looking down at her.
She realized now, too, why he had turned on the TV. Not to watch it, but so that it would provide some additional sound so that they could have a more private conversation. Mellie was on a completely different level, anyway. But he clearly wanted to be able to talk more freely without having to worry. Only she didn't want to.
She sighed. "Fitz, I just don't want to talk about this, okay? Can you please just respect that?"
He looked at her so confusedly. And she really did feel bad, because he didn't have the slightest damn clue and genuinely wanted to know—she could see it. But she didn't know what to say, and even if she did, there would be no turning back. There would be no rewinding after she said it.
"Please," he begged. "Why won't you just tell me? I just...I just want you back."
Her heart about stopped. God, if he wasn't so precious this would be a lot easier.
She sighed, looking down at the floor. Debating. Thinking.
"All I'm asking is to know what I did so I can make it right. I feel like...that isn't too much to ask. Right?" he added.
"Fitz, you can't...make any of this right. Trust me, none of this is right," she sighed.
"Try me," he replied.
"This just isn't something I want to talk about. And I'd really appreciate it if you just...left me be for a while, okay?" she asked, heading to the door and opening it further for him.
It hurt so bad to be this way with him. But she didn't know what else to do.
He, however, still didn't back down, anyway.
He came closer to her, so she figured he was listening to her, and going to leave.
But instead, he reached out right beside her and pushed the door closed again.
"No."
She looked at him in awe. He was standing so close to her, looking down at her with such a hurt look on his face.
But she felt hurt too. And she was beginning to want to let it out, because he wasn't listening to her. He was being more stubborn than she ever thought he could be.
"Fitz," she began shakily.
He stood there, waiting. Waiting for an answer that she didn't want to give to him.
"I do not...want to talk about this," she said again firmly. As firmly as she could. But although she absolutely hated crying with every fiber of her being, she could feel the tears threatening to spill out again.
"Why?" he asked firmly back. "There has to be...some sort of reason?"
"Because I feel...so fucking stupid about it. I feel embarrassed. And naive. And God forbid I want to...I don't know, keep my dignity in-tact with you, Fitz."
"Keep your dignity in-tact about what?" he asked. "Olivia, I'm sorry, I'm just...I'm so confused! I've been confused about this all day!"
"Yes, I'm confused too, Fitz. Trust me. The confusion is very prominent on my end!" she nodded.
"Why?!"
And just as she often did when faced with the opportunity to spend more time with him, she crumbled. Only this time, it was that she succumbed to his begging and pleading, and finally let out the emotion that had been building inside her since last night.
"Because I thought I was feeling things, Fitz!" she exclaimed quietly, feeling a tear roll down her cheek. "That's why!"
She quickly wiped the tear away, and composed herself, letting out a big sigh.
And just like she'd known and feared, she had now hit a point of no return. She couldn't take that back. And whether or not she was ready for it, she felt the need to prepare for a whole lot of embarrassment in the coming minutes.
The look on his face softened, and he looked at her curiously.
His heart was pounding. "What?"
"I thought," she began, taking a breath. "I thought I was feeling things. With you. And...I thought you felt them too. But I was so incredibly wrong, and now...now I just feel so stupid—"
His lips parted in surprise and he studied her face, shaking his head as she was beginning to ramble. She rambled quietly though, just to be safe.
"Wait. Liv. No, just—"
But she wasn't hearing him now. She was rambling, her sadness hardening into a more annoyed anger. All of the emotion she didn't want to let out, was now coming out in chaotic waves.
"—We've had so many moments. I thought...I thought they were signs. I thought I was reading the signs. I thought it was mutual. And I thought we were going to kiss in the car, yesterday—and...and then I fell asleep upstairs. I fell asleep upstairs last night. In Karen's room—"
Now his eyes widened at what she was telling him, because he very unfortunately remembered last night, and the thought that she had been upstairs at the same time had never crossed his mind.
"—I...I passed by your door and I heard. I heard something I didn't want to hear and it just made me realize that I'm so stupid—"
"No," he said, shaking his head at her. Understanding now, what was so wrong. Panicked, because she didn't know the full story. That wasn't what she thought it was. He shook his head sadly at her, wanting to spill everything in his heart to her right then and there. "No, wait—Liv. No. I can explain. Please listen to me—"
"—Because of course, you could never be feeling what I'm feeling. I'm an idiot. You're married, and you have a family, and I'm just—I'm so stupid for thinking this was ever mutual—"
She was cut completely off by his lips, and his body. He pushed her against the door so hard that she actually felt a stab of pain in her back. But the pain wasn't number one on her mind.
Because he was now pressed so tightly against her body, pinning her against the door, and his lips were on hers.
That single kiss had only been to shut her up, because she'd been rambling and wasn't stopping.
But then his mouth was opening against hers. Deepening the kiss in a matter of seconds.
And she couldn't stop herself from kissing him back, no matter how hard she tried.
She was still so hurt, and confused. But the second his lips were on hers, she couldn't pull away. There was no way she was going to be able to do it. She'd wanted it for months. And now it was finally happening.
She opened her mouth against his too, both of them breathing each other's air. His hand slid along the surface of the door, feeling for the handle. When he found it, his fingers fiddled with the lock and he turned it until it clicked.
Hearing it gave her goosebumps. Just the two of them, alone, making out behind a locked door. Something she could have never actually foreseen.
"It's mutual," he murmured, pulling her upper lip into his mouth gently. "It's so mutual."
She crumbled even more after that—even more confused about everything. But that's not what her brain was focusing on. All she could focus on right now were his lips. How soft they were, and how good they felt. How fucking good at this he was despite the fact that she never would have expected him to do something like this.
She just stopped thinking about it all, and let her body take over.
For better or for worse.
His hands found their way to her face, cupping her cheeks as they made out hard.
But he couldn't keep his hands still. He found her hands and slid them up against the door on either side of her head. Pressing his fingers into the crevices of her own, and allowing them to intertwine with his. His hands were so big, completely taking over her much smaller ones.
It was clear now, that they'd both wanted this. Because it was happening and it was not stopping.
It only got more desperate. They were both panting—desperate for air but neither wanting to pull away from each other.
Her heart was beating out of fucking control, and she almost wondered if he could feel it beating against his chest.
His fingers unhooked themselves from hers and he let his hands slowly wander, from just under her arms, all the way down to her hips.
It made a moan escape her lips, feeling him touch her like that. And the second she moaned into his mouth, he just about shuddered, and moaned back.
Never in her life had she experienced a kiss like this. And it just kept going, despite how excessively the two were breathing now.
But he finally, finally pulled away, going right to her neck. Her fingers were in his hair, stroking his scalp as he trailed kisses down her soft skin. She knew she was messing up the curls that were getting so long these days, and the product that was in his soft hair. She'd always wondered how his hair would feel, and now she knew.
Her eyes were closed, as she lifted her head up as much as she could to let him do whatever he wanted to do to her neck. She had surrendered all control to him, and she hadn't even really meant to. But her whole body was responding to him.
He found her lips again, kissing them a few more times. And finally, they began to truly slow down.
Both were still breathing heavily, needing very much to catch their breath. So they did, while he leaned his forehead down against hers, steadying himself with his hands on her waist.
They both opened their eyes slowly, studying each other. Seeing how the other was responding after that. She knew she probably had a look of complete awe on her face, because in no scenario would she have ever seen that coming. He kind of looked surprised, himself.
"Was that...okay? Was it okay that...I just did that?" he whispered, chest moving up and down quickly.
She panted and nodded slowly at him. "I've wanted to do that for a long time."
He let out a big breath, resting his head down into her shoulder and bracing himself against the door. Keeping his body as pressed to hers as he could.
"God, me too," he whispered.
"You can understand, though, why I am...even more confused now," she whispered.
"Sorry," he immediately replied, shaking his head. "I should have...led with that. I'm sorry. I don't—this was not my plan, at all. That kind of came out of nowhere, and I'm sorry," he said. "I mean, not that...not that I didn't want that to happen. I would very much like that to happen again. I just—"
She was letting out a little laugh now at his stumbling.
"Sorry," he said again, scratching his head and giving her a shy smile. "You make me so nervous, Olivia."
"Yeah, I think I can see that now," she whispered.
He nodded and took a deep breath, making eye contact with her. "I'm sorry I didn't catch on as to...what was up today. I had no idea this was the reason, and I'm so sorry about that."
She nodded. "There's...no way you could have known, I understand that. I'm sorry that I didn't want to tell you, but I think you can understand why I didn't want to."
"Yes." he replied. "Please don't...apologize for anything. You don't need to, I am the one that's sorry. I am so truly sorry for that, I completely understand why you're upset, and the last thing I ever want to do is upset you. You mean...so much to me. I need you to know that."
She nodded slowly, waiting for him to continue, because now she really did need an explanation.
"Last night wasn't what you think. I promise you that. I...explaining this to you will probably make you a little uncomfortable, and I'm sorry about that. But...you deserve to be explained to."
She nodded. "I can handle it."
He licked his lips and let out a deep breath. Here went nothing. "Mellie and I...we don't have the greatest marriage. It's...not good. I don't know if you've been able to tell, or not, but it's not and never has been."
She nodded. Yes. She had, indeed, noticed that.
"We don't...do that much. It's very rare. This feels like...just the worse possible timing I've ever experienced in my life," he said, looking at her nervously. "I'm sorry. This is...I know you don't want to hear this."
"No, it's okay," Olivia nodded. "Tell me. I want to understand. I need to."
He sighed, and continued. This was so weird. But he knew at that point he was just going to have to go for it, because there was literally no other way he could explain, and he wanted her to know the truth.
"It's...very infrequent, and it's never ever...meant anything. It's just happened every so often, because...we're married," he said.
"Okay..." she nodded.
"But...ever since you've been here, I've been...feeling things. I feel things that I've never felt with her—never felt with...with anyone. So I've turned her down...because of you, Liv," he whispered. "I didn't want it to happen yesterday either, believe me. I...I wish I could prove that to you, and I know that I can't," he sighed. "But I was afraid, Olivia. I was afraid of her wondering why I was saying no again. I was afraid that...there's only so many times I can turn her down before she starts to question. I was afraid. I am afraid. Because there's only one thing that's changed in the past few months, and...that's you. And I didn't want her to have any chance of making that connection."
She listened intently, hearing everything he had to say. Nodding slowly, and trying to understand what went through his head.
"So I didn't turn her down. I hoped that it would keep her at bay and I could...have more time to try and figure this out—what I feel for you. I...I know it probably sounds like some stupid, typical excuse a guy makes up or—or something, and I wish there was a way I could prove to you that that isn't the case. I'm sorry about that. I wish I had a better answer for you, I really wish I did. But that's...that's the whole truth. I wish...so badly that I hadn't upset you. And I understand if you don't believe a word I just said because...you have every right not to."
She stood there in thought. Thinking. Processing. Studying him.
"I believe you."
And she really did. This entire situation was crazy. But he was looking her in the eye, telling her very personal things that he knew would be uncomfortable to tell, and to hear.
And he was very visibly worried. Shaken. Anxious.
Afraid.
And she understood that.
"And I'm afraid, too," she whispered.
He sighed, leaning his forehead down against hers. "I wish you didn't have to be. I'm so sorry that...I've put you in this situation. This is my fault."
She shook her head. "This isn't anyone's fault. It just...is what it is. But I think I'm the one that should be sorry about the position you're in. I am sorry. You have a family. You have...a wife. No matter what, this will never be right, and we both know that."
He nodded, biting his lip. "I'm terrified, Olivia. I don't...I don't know what to do. I'm consistently met with the fact that I don't know what to do."
"I know," she whispered, cupping his cheek. "I get it."
"I've never done this before," he whispered, studying her pretty, brown eyes. "This is new territory to me. I don't...I don't do this, Olivia. I want you to know...I'm not that guy. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I don't...I don't have a plan here."
She nodded, hearing the full, nervous truth come out. And she could relate. It felt so good to talk about it with him, truly. Even though they'd probably just gotten themselves into a way bigger mess, and they very clearly had no idea how to proceed. It felt good to talk about all of it. Finally.
"Neither do I. This keeps me up at night, Fitz. It makes me...question myself. I never would have thought I'd be in a position like this, I really never would have thought this. But I can't...help it, I've tried. I just fucking...like you, and I don't know how to stop that. If I could...I would have stopped long before now."
He chuckled quietly, smiling down at her and seeing her beautiful smile in return.
"Unfortunately, I don't think any of this is that easy," he said.
"No, I don't think so either," she whispered, laughing.
"I like you too," he whispered. "So much. I can't even...describe. You just...you are all I think about. And I'm sorry this is what happened...in order for me to tell you."
She smiled slightly and shook her head. "Yes. I am sorry about that too. I would prefer to...erase that from my brain, but...it was my fault that I heard it. So...I blame myself, there."
He winced, and leaned his head against her shoulder. "God, I'm sorry."
She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and kissed his temple. Pausing, and feeling him relax at the small bit of affection she had shown him.
"It's okay."
He sighed into the fabric of her shirt. Feeling so comfortable with her right then and there. Wrapping his arms around her petite body, breathing in her wonderful scent.
"This whole time, I thought maybe...I had scared you. Because of...what almost happened in the car yesterday," he whispered.
She pulled back, and so did he.
"Uh, that crazy lady ruining our moment?" she asked.
"Yes," he chuckled.
"Oh, no, that did the opposite of scare me," she shook her head. "Well...okay, the lady scared the hell out of me, but you didn't. I was most definitely going to kiss you. I don't know about you, but—"
"I was. I was getting ready," he nodded. "I took my seatbelt off and everything."
"I know you did," she giggled.
"I think that would have been...a little bit of a less aggressive first kiss. I'm sorry that chance was...taken away," he said, laughing.
"Yeah, you know, you were a little aggressive, Fitz," she teased, watching him chuckle and blush. "I really felt it in my back."
"I'm so sorry," he said, chuckling at her and rubbing her back. "I was...I was just as surprised as you were, I think."
"Well, I am happy you...surprised us," she whispered, meeting his eyes.
"Me too," he nodded.
He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers again, giving her a few more good, long kisses. And then he wrapped his arms around her in a hug.
So there they stood, in each other's arms in her bedroom. Having absolutely no idea where they were going to go from there.
They had no plan, and no idea what they were doing.
All they knew now, after being completely uncertain these last months, was that all of this, was mutual.
Whewww. Well, the messiness continues.
Where y'all expecting that?
You'll have to see how this plays out and how they deal with it. I can tell you all right now, that it's not going to be easy. This situation makes that impossible. But they will learn!
I hope you're enjoying the ride so far.
Also, you will get the backstory on Fitz and Mellie very soon. It's coming!
Read on!
~T