"What's on your mind, Liv?" Shawn asked.
Olivia looked up from her homework finally, after being extremely deep in thought for a while now. Partially about the homework, but partially about other things.
Other things meaning Fitz.
"Mostly just...this calc problem. Math is just really not my strong suit."
"Oh yes, trust me, I remember. And yet...what'd you get on the math portion of your ACT? A 32?" Shawn asked.
"Yeah. My...lowest score," Olivia replied. "But my ACT wasn't as important as my SAT anyway."
"Good God," Shawn shook her head. "You are ridiculous, Liv. In...the best way."
"Thank you," Olivia nodded with a smile.
"You're welcome," Shawn laughed. "Hey. I'm not playin', though. How you doing?"
"I'm okay," Olivia nodded. "Kind of nervous, though."
"Yeah. I get it. But it's gonna be okay. I know it's gonna go well. Just like it went with your mama," Shawn said.
"Yeah," Olivia sighed. "I hope so. I really hope so. I just...don't want to hurt their feelings. Any of them."
"But...mostly him," Shawn inquired.
"Yeah," Olivia nodded. "Him and Karen."
"You have to let me know afterwards, okay? I'm here. I always am. This is for the best. And he'll know that no matter what," Shawn said.
Olivia nodded, giving her friend a grateful smile. "Love you."
"Love you," Shawn said. "You gonna get through all of this. I know it. And it's gonna be...better than you ever thought. This is all gonna work out just fine. I don't know exactly how it will, but it always does."
Olivia sighed and nodded. But her nod was a bit hesitant.
"I know I'll be fine. I've got...things I want to do here. Coming to New York...it's only ever been about my goals. And it still is, I can't wait to get out there and do what I want to do. But...part of me wonders what I'm going to do, if...I can't move on from him."
Shawn gave her a sad look, nodding understandably.
"I mean, what if...what if I never get over him, Shawn?" Olivia asked.
"Movin' away...that will help," Shawn replied. "It's not going to be easy. I'm not going to even pretend I know how you feel, or lie to your face to make you feel better. But I do know that what you're doing right now will help you, Liv."
"Yeah," Olivia sighed. "It will, I know. Thank you, Shawn. You've really helped me through this. I don't know...how I would be dealing with this without you right now."
"That's my job!" Shawn exclaimed. "This will all be alright. Trust me, you and mister shy man gonna find a way—I already said it, yes I did. But still, your life ain't dependent on some white man. Nuh-uh. No matter how fine that white man is. You still gonna go out there and do your business in that big ass city and be the badass bitch that you are. Because you're Olivia Pope. Said what I said, mmhm."
Olivia was laughing at all of it, giving her friend a smile. "Thanks, Shawn,"
"Oh, you're absolutely welcome," Shawn nodded.
"He is really fine though," Olivia said quietly. Of course, there was much more to him than that, but her friend had a point.
Shawn tilted her head and pointed at Olivia. "You ain't wrong. He's fine as hell—I still stand by that too. The jury will not forget this fact."
"So fine," Olivia mouthed.
"The jury will also not forget that he is a complete nerd," Shawn said.
"Little bit."
"But—that's besides the point right now," Shawn said. "The point is, this will be okay. It will all be okay."
Olivia wasn't fully sure about that right now. She agreed things would get better with time, and she definitely knew she was still going to follow the dreams she'd had since she was a kid. Nothing would ever stop her from that.
But the only thing was that she thought he had become a part of that dream. As silly as it may have sounded, she had thought he was it.
She knew it had only been a few months. She knew he was married and in a downright impossible situation. He had a ten year-old-child, and was 12 years older than her.
But there was something about the way he felt, how they were together, how they clicked. It felt easy to her. It felt like he was the one, despite everything.
Of course, now she was questioning that, thinking she was an idiot. She wanted to have hope that they could figure things out and find a way to be together. Or perhaps someday down the road, they'd run into each other again and reconsider everything. She wanted to believe that.
But at the same time, she was trying to be realistic, like she'd always tried to be when it came to him. She was trying to move on, and part of her knew there was a good chance she'd never get to tell him how she really felt. A chance she'd never get to kiss him again, or touch him. A good chance that even if he was the one for her, that she wasn't the one for him. Or even if they both were, it still just wasn't going to work out like that.
Because life didn't always work out like that. Life wasn't a fairytale, and this situation was the exact opposite of it.
And so far, since things had ended, she wasn't sure it was getting easier. Easier to talk about with Shawn, at least—yes. But easier in general—no.
It still hadn't been very long, just over a week. However, being with Fitz alone had become a bit easier. They just stayed far away from the subject of them—it seemed like the most efficient way to do it. That way, they could chat about everyday things, and not be awkward or weird. Mostly.
It wasn't how it had been before everything had happened—not yet. She hoped it would get back to that, though, at least before she said goodbye for winter break.
After that, she didn't know what the hell would happen, because she wouldn't be coming back, not to Rye.
She didn't know how often she'd see him, or be able to see Karen. She didn't even know.
And that was exactly what she had to go tell them in a few minutes, when she went upstairs for dinner. She finally got her residence references in, so she wanted to tell them as soon as possible now that she had at least made the final decision. Plus, she was leaving tomorrow to fly home for Thanksgiving break, so she wanted to use this last and nearest chance to tell them in person. She'd told her mother already, who as she'd predicted, hadn't been surprised.
It had gone well. As long as Olivia was happy, Marie was happy. But this conversation with the Grants—she knew it would be more difficult.
So Shawn wished her luck one last time before she hung up and went upstairs to eat.
The smell of stir fry filled her nose as soon as she reached the top of the stairs, and she instantly smiled. She was going to miss his cooking desperately.
She walked into the kitchen, seeing only Fitz standing by the stove as he finished up the stir fry. Mellie was finishing up with Karen, practicing her piano.
He was in his own world in the kitchen. Somewhere he could escape. Focusing on three different things at once, and enjoying every bit of it.
She interrupted his previous silence as she began to fill a glass up with water from the fridge's dispenser.
He was clearly startled, looking behind him at the fridge.
His face softened and he gave her a smile. After he briefly looked her over—she saw it, she knew she did.
"Hi," he said.
"Hi," she answered. "Stir fry looks good."
"Thanks," he nodded, as Mellie and Karen entered the kitchen.
"Daddy. What's for dinner again?" Karen asked.
"Stir fry, honey," he answered, beginning to grab the bowls next to the stove so he could serve them up.
"Oh," Karen smiled. "Your stir fry is the best, dad."
Olivia saw him smile to himself. "Thanks, sweetheart. How hungry are you, on a scale from one to ten?"
"Mmm...seven," Karen answered.
"Okay. Mell?" Fitz asked.
"Six," Mellie answered.
Fitz served them all their stir fry with rice, since he was right there at the stove.
"Liv?" he asked, eyeing her.
"Seven," Olivia said.
"Just like me!" Karen said.
"Just like you!" Olivia exclaimed, giving her a smile.
She only hoped Karen's happiness wouldn't be ruined by what she had to tell them tonight over dinner. She figured it was best. They were all together, and it was one of the only times they were. They all had their own things to be doing every night, but dinner was an exception. They always ate together.
The conversation progressed past the normal talk of how everyone's day was. How light or heavy everyone's week was. Talk about Karen's upcoming pacer test the next day in gym class.
But when the conversation hit a brief and natural pause, Olivia saw her opening. Her heart started to beat faster as she went for it.
"You know, I actually had something I wanted to talk to you all about," Olivia said, pausing her chopsticks in her bowl of stir fry.
Mellie and Karen looked up casually from their dinner, but she instantly saw the panic arise in Fitz's eyes.
His head immediately lifted and he looked at her, studying her face with worried eyes. Trying to gauge what this could be about.
"Of course, Olivia. What is it?" Mellie asked.
"Well," Olivia began. "I did need to come to some important decisions within the next couple weeks for school, and...I've made them. As you could have guessed, I am definitely going to finish out this year at UNIS."
She looked around at everyone who was nodding thoughtfully. Mellie and Karen were smiling, and Fitz almost had a look of relief on his face.
"That is wonderful, Olivia!" Mellie exclaimed. "I'm not surprised. I know you'll continue to do great things there, and afterward."
Oh, the guilt.
Mellie's kindness hurt so badly. Olivia almost thought it would be so much easier if she hated her guts or something.
"Well, thank you!" Olivia smiled. "Yeah, I'm really excited and so grateful to have the opportunity to finish there. It's an absolutely amazing school. And...with that comes my living situation, which...I also had to make a decision about. It was...an extremely tough decision for me to make. But next semester...I'm going to be staying in one of UNIS' residences in the city."
She was afraid to see the reactions. She was so afraid.
She hesitantly looked around the table, beginning with Mellie because she was directly across from her.
Mellie was nodding, although not with a smile, and looking pretty solemn. As if she understood, but was sad about it.
Karen looked deep in thought down at her bowl of stir fry. She couldn't even look up. She put her fork down in her bowl and sat back in her chair. The sad look on her face hit Olivia like a truck.
And so did looking over at Fitz.
He looked just like his daughter. He was looking down at his food, before he looked up at Olivia, meeting her eyes. His sad eyes made her want to cry all over again, if that was even possible for her tear ducts anymore.
And she locked eyes with him for too long, probably. Staring right back into those pretty baby blue eyes that looked hurt, and almost betrayed. But he must have realized that that couldn't happen forever, because he eyed his wife and began to nod along with her. Showing her he understood, but she knew he was still hurt.
"I just want to say...I have absolutely loved it here. I will be so sad to go, and I'm so grateful that I got to stay with...such a wonderful family like you. You all mean the world to me, and I will never forget everything that you did for me. So thank you so much for that," Olivia said. "I am just...also very ready to start my journey in the city. I've always dreamed of living there, and...this will give me a little taste of it before college."
Mellie nodded, flashing her a genuine smile now. "That is totally understandable, Olivia. We've been so happy to have you here too!"
Fitz nodded in agreement, clearing his throat before he spoke up. "We know living in the city has always been your dream. Go live it."
"Absolutely," Mellie nodded. "Follow your dreams. That's important, isn't it K?" she asked Karen.
Karen nodded as she sat back in her chair, but her lip began to tremble and tears slowly filled her eyes.
"I will be happy for you to live your dream, Olivia," she whispered. "But I will miss having you here with us."
Olivia watched Karen begin to cry, and she had such a tough time keeping her own tears in all over again.
That was another heartbreak she was really going to have to get over.
"Oh, K," Olivia said, reaching for her hand. "Don't cry, sweetheart."
"Honey," Mellie said, giving her a smile. "Olivia can always come back and visit, or we can go visit her!"
"Exactly," Olivia agreed, rubbing Karen's hand. "It's not goodbye forever. I promise."
Karen nodded, wiping her face sadly. Her dad looked at her and seemed as though he had a hard time watching it, himself. That along with the fact that he still looked hurt.
"I know," Karen nodded with a sniffle. "I just wish you could stay...for the rest of the year."
Olivia nodded understandingly, squeezing her hand with a smile.
Part of her wished that too.
"I do too. But you know what?" Olivia asked.
"What?" Karen asked, her little fingers wiping her tears.
"We can FaceTime, and call, and text as much as you want to," Olivia said. "And I won't be very far at all!"
"That sounds like a great idea," Fitz nodded quietly in agreement.
"Okay," Karen nodded. "That sounds good. I am sorry. I will just miss you."
"We will all miss her, K," Mellie nodded.
Fitz nodded as well, but he felt so distant. Olivia was sure it was only her, but because she had grown to know him intimately, she just felt it. He felt so far away.
"I will miss you all so much. Seriously, I...will never be able to thank you enough," Olivia said, giving them all a grateful smile.
"No need to thank us, Olivia. You have been such a joy to have here, and a great role model for Karen. Not only with the CITYterm program, but with everything," Mellie said. "So thank you."
Regardless of what Olivia knew about Mellie, she was being sweet, and she knew it was genuine. Although, she also had a feeling if Mellie knew everything, she wouldn't be afraid to bare her teeth.
But right now, she appreciated her kind words.
"We'll miss you, Liv," Fitz added.
And that was the icing on the cake. She wanted to tell him and only him behind closed doors how much she'd miss him. But she knew she couldn't.
And she didn't let it become any more sad than it already was at that dinner table. Karen's tears had been enough.
Nobody let it. It was clear that they all tried to lift each other's spirits, or at least, make the mood lighter after that.
They moved on to other subjects; Fitz asked about Karen's upcoming project in her GT club to try and lighten the mood. It worked. Karen was always happy to talk about school; something she truly enjoyed. She was so very smart, and that much was always obvious. One day Olivia knew that girl was going to do absolutely amazing things.
They talked about their plans for Thanksgiving, and Olivia and Fitz's plan to leave extremely early in the morning so she could be at the airport with plenty of time. She had school off now until next Monday, which was nice.
But they didn't stay and chat too long after they finished dinner, because everyone had their own thing they needed to do, too.
Karen wanted to go FaceFime her partner about their GT project, but Olivia went upstairs with her first. Just to be with her, and lift her spirits if she could. She sat with her for about an hour, doing Karen's favorite thing. Listening to music, chatting, and doing a little bit of homework before leaving her be so she could FaceTime her friend. Olivia had to go pack and let Shawn know how the conversation at dinner had gone anyway.
Mellie had settled down in the sunroom in the meantime with a magazine, and Fitz had been working in his main level office the whole time.
Part of him wanted to go to his downstairs office eventually, just because wanted to go talk to Olivia.
He was upset, but felt like he had absolutely no right to be. It just hurt so badly. Not just the fact that she was officially leaving them—earlier than she could have. But because she hadn't even told him. Not before tonight, when she'd told the rest of them.
He told himself he had no right. That it was better for her to leave anyway—which was 100 percent true and he knew it.
But he couldn't help it. He started pacing his office, and ultimately, took the opportunity of everybody else doing their own thing to head quietly downstairs.
Her bedroom door was closed, as it often was. But he knew the sound of him entering the basement would have been audible to her. So he wasted no time in knocking.
"You can come in," she said, almost hesitantly.
He turned the handle and looked in, seeing her packing up her open suitcase, which was resting against her closet door.
"I'm sorry. Is this...I can come back later," he said.
"It's alright," she said. "I'm almost done anyway. What's...up?" she asked.
He sighed, looking down at the floor, and then back toward her. He slipped inside and shut her door behind him, and then locked it.
"Fitz," she said. "I think that door should be open."
"Yeah, I know," he nodded. "Just give me one minute first."
She knew what was coming.
She closed her suitcase and stood up, before nodding at him.
"Okay."
He looked around her room, scratching his head. Appearing nervous, and hurt. But also looking serious before he spoke again.
"You didn't tell me."
She let out a quiet sigh, meeting his eyes.
"I know."
"You...didn't tell me," he said again.
"I only got everything set yesterday. And...I thought it would be best to tell everyone at the same time, so...I just waited."
He nodded, swallowing hard. "I wish you would have told me before."
"Would it have helped?" she asked. And she truly wondered, because she had debated telling him first.
"Probably...not. But I would have appreciated it."
"There wasn't an easy way for me to do it, regardless," she said. "Either way, it was going to be painful. I'm sorry, Fitz."
He nodded, biting his lip. He leaned against the door, slipping his hands in his pockets.
"It's me, isn't it."
She looked at him contently, seeing the pain in his eyes. The emotion.
"It's not just...we both know I can't stay here, Fitz," she whispered.
"I know," he agreed. "But...I still can't help but feel like...this is you leaving me."
"That's..." she began, shaking her head. "That's not fair, Fitz."
"It isn't," he nodded. "I know. I'm being unfair, and selfish."
"I just don't think...you quite understand how it is from my point of view, Fitz. I can't do this anymore, I just can't. It's not right for me to live under this roof anymore—not after the things we've done here. Not after...what's happened. And...I can't stay here and watch you be her husband. I can't watch you be hers, not anymore. I've done it long enough."
"I am not hers," he said shakily, stepping away from the door.
She looked away from his gaze, calmly exhaling because she was afraid of saying something she would regret.
"You've said it before. That I belong to her. But I don't. I'm married to her, but I belong to you," he said strongly, but quietly. "And you know that."
"Do not say that to me," she shook her head.
"It's true?" he questioned, moving closer to her now, as she stood in front of him.
"It isn't?" she shook her head. "It can't be. You can't say things like that to me, Fitz. It hurts. It hurts to hear those things, when they can't be true. We can't...say those things anymore."
"What can I say to you then? Can you really pretend all of this hasn't happened? Really?" he asked.
"No, I can't! That's a part of why I'm leaving!" she exclaimed.
He was standing so close to her now, sighing as he looked down at the floor.
She instantly felt bad for raising her voice at him. But she looked up at him and saw him shake his head sadly.
"I'm...so sorry," he whispered.
"For what?" she asked.
"For everything, Liv. For everything," he answered.
"How many times do I have to tell you to stop apologizing," she said, not meeting his eyes.
"I can't even do that anymore?" he asked.
It was hard to look at him just then. But she did, and they both saw and felt each other's pain.
It was silent for a few more moments, but he spoke up again.
"I know you need to go. Trust me, you...you're right. It just...hurts," he said quietly, giving her a shrug. "That's all."
"I know it does. It hurts me too," she nodded. "Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Right?"
He nodded slowly and sighed. "Yeah. That...seems to be how it goes for us."
She nodded in agreement. "Pretty much."
He looked around her bedroom, and then down at her suitcase. "Alright. Well. I'll let you, uh...I'll let you get back to your packing."
"You don't have to go, Fitz," she said.
He moved toward the door anyway, looking back at her. "Door should probably be open anyway, Liv."
But as he turned in the doorway, holding the handle, he let her know something else.
"I won't...say things you don't want me to. I don't want to hurt you. I've...done enough of that, and...I truly can never explain to you how sorry I am for all of this. But I meant what I said before. And I'm not taking it back."
And with that, he left the basement again.
She put her hand to her face, rubbing her eyes after that discussion. Actually, it had gone better than she thought it would. No tears on her end, and just real talk. She could handle that.
And in a sense, she knew what he meant. She couldn't speak to what he truly felt for her. But she knew he felt more for her than he had ever felt for Mellie. So she understood.
But at the same time, it didn't feel fair for him to say that. It didn't feel fair, when he very clearly wasn't in a position to mean it. He had shit to figure out, as her best friend Shawn had said. And a part of Olivia was always going to hope he would.
But also, she didn't know how realistic that really was in Fitz's mind. To leave his comfortable life for her. To mess up everything, not only for himself, but for Karen too, and for Mellie, for that matter. That didn't feel good to think about, either. Regardless of what would make Fitz happier, that was a big choice to make, and she knew that.
And along with that, how long could she really hope for something like that? She had a life to live, too. She certainly didn't feel even the slightest desire to get back in the dating game, not after him, and not right now.
But eventually, she may want to. Maybe she'd meet someone in college that she liked? It could be so much easier. Someone her age, who wasn't, hmm, married.
That felt unlikely, though. Because she knew nobody would compare. He was what she wanted.
He just wasn't what she could have.
Fitz came upstairs after talking with Olivia, unsure of what to do next. He didn't think it had hit him yet; that she'd truly be gone in less than a month. That everything would return to how it had been before.
The thought scared him, and also made him feel a little bit sick.
He wanted to talk to someone, although he knew he couldn't at the moment. Not in the house.
So he worked a little more in his office, until he checked his watch and saw it was time for Karen to go to bed.
"K," he called out loudly, simultaneously looking at his computer.
"Yeah?"
"Time to get ready for bed, okay?"
"Okay," she yelled back.
He then decided to finish up and go shower, hoping it would relax him a little bit.
At least, that was his plan.
When he got upstairs to his bedroom, Mellie was walking to her dresser in her robe.
She nodded at him as he entered, and he gave a nod back.
"Did you already shower?" he asked.
"Yes," she answered.
"Mkay."
He was on his way. So close. But he didn't even reach the bathroom before she spoke up again.
"I was going to ask you about Olivia," she said, as she pulled on a shirt.
His heart about stopped. He paused by the bathroom door, looking back at her. "Okay...?"
Mellie looked at him in wonder. "Did you know she was going to decide to leave?"
He felt a little better at where the conversation was headed, because with the way she began it, he had grown anxious. That could have been about anything.
"I had...no idea," he shook his head honestly. He unbuttoned his dress shirt and threw it in the hamper, before turning on the bathroom light.
"I just hope she had a good experience here," Mellie said. "I hope we aren't a reason that she wants to leave. Karen certainly could have benefitted from having her here a whole year."
Fitz wanted to roll his eyes as he entered the bathroom. "Olivia's wanted to live in the city her whole life, we've known that all along. And Karen's going to do what Karen wants to do. You can't force anything on her."
"I'm not?" Mellie questioned.
"Well, you were trying, actually. The whole reason Olivia is here is because you want Karen to do what she's doing. She's seen Olivia's experience now for a whole semester. She'll make her own decision on it eventually when it comes time. So there you go. You did all you can do," he said.
She scoffed. "What's your problem tonight?"
"Nothing is my problem," he answered, removing his dress pants and undershirt too.
He had a lot of problems, actually.
"I'm not forcing anything on Karen. I'm simply showing her the options she has. An intelligent girl like her, with no financial constraints to hold her back. She's a rare one."
"And yet—she should do whatever she wants to do," he nodded.
"Yes, Fitzgerald, I am aware," Mellie spit back.
Now he really did roll his eyes, although she couldn't see him.
"All I'm saying, is I hope we didn't do anything that made Olivia want to leave. She grew very close to Karen, too, and I don't want K to be too affected by that. Liv had a whole half a year left that she could have stayed here," Mellie said. "You didn't have anything to do with her wanting to leave, did you?"
He grew panicked again. But also, he grew mad.
"What?" he asked, coming to look at her.
She had her hands on her hips, staring at him as he entered the bedroom again.
"Well, I'm just asking? You're the one who spends the most time with her aside from Karen. Have you...done anything to make her want to leave?" Mellie asked.
"Why on earth would you ask me something like that?" he asked.
"Well, Fitzgerald, you barely talk to the girl. I wonder how fun those commutes must be for her," Mellie said sarcastically.
Oh, how wrong she was. All he wanted to do was talk to her. And...other things. But of course, he acted as though Mellie was correct.
"Hm. You know, Mell, if you were worried about that, you should have consulted with me in the first place. Considering, you know, you planned all of this without me knowing, and I was always going to be the one bringing her into the city with me."
"Good lord, we're not still on about that are we?" Mellie asked.
He sighed and went back to the bathroom. "No. I'm done talking about it on both accounts, actually. I said what I wanted to say."
Mellie sighed annoyedly. "Whatever, Fitz."
He shut the door, happy to be done with that. Not that it was unusual. At all.
He just could have done without that tonight. She pissed him off, and he'd realized that in the past few months, he'd been more pissed off than normal by her.
The hot shower did relax him, though. It had become an escape. An escape where he could be alone for a little bit, away from everyone else.
The hot water could run down his body, relaxing his tense muscles. And he could think.
There was nothing to interrupt his thoughts. He thought about a lot of things. A wide variety of things, actually.
He thought about Olivia—about being with her. Leaving Mellie, actually divorcing her and making it all work. He thought about the best-case scenario, where it could all work out, and Karen would not only understand, but be happy. There would be no hiccups or obstacles.
He also thought about the worst-case scenario, where it all completely backfired. Where Mellie refused to agree, or where Karen couldn't take that big of a change, or he didn't get to see her enough.
He thought about living out the rest of his life just the way that it was. Comfortable, with no change. A two-parent household for Karen. What they'd always wanted for her. But being unhappy.
He thought about all of that. There were other things he thought about sometimes too.
He'd think about how great it felt for Olivia to be attracted to him. How it felt to hug her and kiss her. How it felt when she laughed because of something he said. Or when she kissed his nose. Or when she called him "smiley," something he hadn't heard her call him in too long.
Or he'd think about things he really knew he shouldn't.
Like her body. Oh, how he knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help it.
His mind had wandered there quite a few times while he was alone. And even while he wasn't alone too.
She was so sexy. That much was never going to go away.
Maybe it was a good thing she was leaving.
When he got out of the shower, he found Mellie scrolling through some emails in bed, with just her lamp turned on.
"Karen's waiting for you," she said quietly.
He walked toward his dresser to grab some clothes, wearing just his towel.
"Alright."
He changed quickly into some comfier clothes, before heading into Karen's room.
When he walked in, she was all snuggled up in her bed. Hank was on the floor next to her, wagging his tail at the sight of Karen and now Fitz.
"Hey buddy," Fitz said, leaning down to pet him quick.
"Hank helped me do my homework tonight," Karen giggled. "Him and Liv."
"Oh, Hank helped too, huh?" Fitz chuckled, sitting down on the edge of her bed.
"Mmhm," she nodded.
"Did you finish it all?" he asked.
"Yes," she nodded.
"That's my girl," he smiled, leaning in to kiss her cheek. "I am always so proud of you. Mom and I. Do you know that?"
"Thanks, daddy," she said, snuggling under her covers with a smile. "I know it."
"Good," he said, rubbing her cheek. "I love you."
"I love you," she said back.
He smiled, looking down at her with a quiet sigh. At least he still had his favorite girl to cheer him up. Her little face could cure most things, he was sure.
"Olivia came to say goodbye to me and mom since you will leave so early in the morning. I'm sad she can't stay for Thanksgiving. I know she would love Thanksgiving at grandma Jean's house," Karen said.
"I bet she would. But she has to go spend it with her own family, K," he replied.
Karen nodded. "Yeah. I know."
He sighed, looking down at his sweet daughter. She didn't even know how much things had been affecting him lately.
Or maybe she did, based on what he said next.
"You're sad," Karen whispered, looking up at him.
He furrowed his eyebrows, looking down at her. "What, honey?"
"You are sad," Karen said. "You haven't been...daddy. You have been sadder lately."
If he thought panic was rising in his chest when he was talking to Mellie, he was mistaken. This was much worse.
"What? No, honey, I'm just fine. Daddy's not sad," he shook his head.
A lie—right to his daughter's face.
Karen looked at him uncertainly. Like she saw right through him.
"Why do you think that, sweetheart?" he asked gently.
"Because. When I am sad, I don't want to talk as much. And...that's how you seem too," she answered.
"Well I don't mean for you to think that, honey," Fitz said, stroking her curly hair. "I'm not sad. Things have just been...busy at work."
At least that was only a partial lie.
She nodded, but she still didn't seem convinced.
"Daddy," she said shakily.
"Hm?"
"Are you sure it...isn't because of mommy?" she asked in a whisper.
"Because of mommy? K, why would I be sad because of mom?" Fitz asked.
She shrugged, and looked at him nervously. And he knew right then that there was something she wasn't saying.
"Baby, what is it? Why would you think that?" Fitz asked.
Her lip started to tremble again, just as it had at the dinner table earlier today. She didn't cry much at all, but now twice in one day?
Jesus—everything was going to shit lately.
"Hey, hey, hey," he said gently, wiping the tear that had just slipped down her cheek away.
"K. Don't cry, sweetheart. What's wrong?" he asked.
"I don't want you...and mom to get mad at me," she whimpered.
He was so confused now, but he couldn't take the sad look on her face.
"Karen," Fitz said, rubbing her arm. "We won't get mad. I just want to know what's wrong so I can help, okay?"
She sniffled, not meeting his eyes anymore.
"I just wondered...if you were sad because of mom. Because...you and mom...aren't very happy when you are together alone, and it's been...making you sad?" she said.
It was like someone had shot him in the chest. Right in the damn heart. But he had to refrain from showing how it had impacted him, so she didn't get even more worried.
"What? K, of course, we are," he said lightly. "Why would you think we aren't?"
She looked at him sadly. "I am little daddy. I don't...know some grown-up things. But I know...you and mom act happier in front of me than when you are alone. I hear that you have fights in your room. A lot."
Now he cursed himself for their fight earlier, and all the ones before that. They thought they'd always been quiet, but apparently not quiet enough. He felt like he had to fight off tears, hearing this from his daughter. The little girl he and Mellie were doing all of this for.
But he had to keep it together for her.
"Oh, honey," Fitz shook his head. "Every mom and dad has fights. That doesn't mean...they aren't happy, sweetheart. Everyone has fights. Fights are...just a part of life."
She thought about what he said, and nodded. Still looking sad, but seeming like she was now taking that into account, and hadn't before.
"Everything is just fine, Karen," he said gently. "Okay?"
She looked at him and wiped her face, nodding. "You...are not sad?"
"I'm not," he shook his head. "I'm sorry you thought I was. But I want you to know that everything is fine, sweetie."
She nodded slowly, slipping her tiny hand into his large one. "Okay, dad."
"Okay," he nodded, leaning down to kiss her cheek again.
"And hey. I don't ever want you to think you can't tell me or mom something. Okay? We always want you to tell us if you're feeling sad about something. No matter what. We won't be mad. We just want to know so we can help you. Right?"
"Right," she sniffled. "Okay."
"That's my girl," he whispered, rubbing the soft skin on the top of her hand. "You okay, baby?"
"Mhm," she nodded. "I just hoped you weren't sad."
"Daddy's not sad. Get some sleep," he said, pulling the comforter up over her more. "I love you so much."
"I love you, dad," she whispered.
"Goodnight."
It hurt to leave that bedroom. He had tried his best to assure her that everything was fine. He hadn't known what else to do in the moment—it had come out of nowhere and she'd never said anything like that before.
Clearly she was picking up on the fact that he probably had been off lately—because of him and Olivia ending things. he hadn't hidden that well enough, at least from Karen.
He went immediately back to his bedroom, feeling the absolute panic in his chest as his heart rate picked up. He had to work hard to suppress it, but he was able to for the most part. He steadied himself against the doorframe of his bedroom, nudging it open. He inhaled and exhaled calmly, looking in at Mellie, who looked up the second she heard him.
"Fitz. Hey, sit down. What's up with you?" she asked, immediately recognizing that he was very clearly off.
He shook his head at her and shut the door lightly, not wanting Karen to hear it slam. But he wanted to slam it. He was so mad, and that took him over.
Mat at Mellie, for earlier. Mad that Olivia was leaving. Mad that Karen had been upset, because he hated when she was upset. Mad that regardless of how much she actually understood, she picked up on things that he didn't want her to.
And he took it all out on his wife.
The anger distracted him; distraction was one of the most efficient ways to avoid what could potentially happen. So at least, that was a positive?
Mellie was preparing for it, though. She'd witnessed many of them in her day and knew how to handle them. But he shook his head and asked her something with a strong, but quiet voice. He didn't want Karen to hear, but there was no mistaking that he was pissed.
"Did Karen say anything to you earlier?"
Mellie raised an eyebrow at him. "Anything about what? Are you—Fitz, do you need to sit down?"
He shook his head. "No—I'm fine. But we aren't. Our daughter is smarter than we think she is, Mell."
"Well—of course she is," Mellie said.
He rolled his eyes. "Mellie. She just laid there crying in front of me, asking if I was sad because you and I aren't happy. Because she knows we fight, and...and pretend in front of her."
Mellie's eyes widened. "What?"
He nodded at her. "Yep."
"Well why would she say that?" Mellie asked.
"Because she's not dumb? And because she picks up on more than we think she does?" Fitz said, looking at her angrily.
"Well..." Mellie began, looking around flustered. "Well what did you say?"
"The only thing I could say," he replied. "I told her...everything was fine. I said—she shouldn't worry, because I actually want her to be able to sleep through the night for Christ's sake."
"Well good then. And did she believe you?" Mellie asked.
Fitz chuckled, shaking his head at her.
"You're unbelievable."
She put her hand to her chest and looked at him in awe. "Me?! What did I do? You're the one that made her think these things. What is she even talking about—that you're sad?"
He could have laughed again, because of much she truly didn't care for him, or about him. That she hadn't even noticed anything different with him lately. That's what he'd aimed for, but it was almost humorous that his daughter noticed it, and not her.
"Work's been crazy, I don't know. I'm fine—I don't give a shit about me," he replied.
Another half a lie right there.
"It wasn't just me that made her think these things. It was you and me. We did this," he said quietly. "And you're sitting there worried about whether or not I convinced her that things are okay. Yes, Mell, she went to sleep happy. She believed the outright lie I told straight to her face. You happy?"
"I'm worried about that because that's what's most important!" Mellie exclaimed quietly, coming over to him. She grabbed his hand and led him to the closet, probably so that they didn't have to practically whisper yell at each other in fear that Karen would hear. Again.
He pulled his hand away from her, giving her a very sassy look, if he had to guess. But he followed her nonetheless, and slammed the door behind him.
"For now—maybe. I certainly wasn't going to make things worse right now, she's already dealing with Olivia leaving. But then what, huh? Then what Mell?"
"What do you mean, then what? We'll do what we always do? We'll make it work. We know how," Mellie said.
"Clearly, we don't," Fitz shot back.
"Then we'll do better. We'll be better," Mellie reasoned.
Fitz just laughed, shaking his head at her. They stood in silence, staring at each other.
"You know, Mell, do you ever get sick of it?" he asked.
"Sick of what?" Mellie asked.
"This," he said, pointing to the two of them. "You and me. This...fucking joke of a marriage. You know, how come out of all the stupid, ridiculous fights we have, we never have this one? The one where we talk about how long we can really do this?"
Mellie's face got stern and she shook her head at him. "We don't have this fight because you know that's not an option. End of discussion."
"Oh, absolutely not, this is not the end of the discussion," he shook his head. "I let you say what you want to me, I hold my tongue because frankly, I don't care enough anymore. But not tonight, not with this. This is far different and you damn well know it."
And it was true. He hadn't gotten this involved in a fight in a long time. But he was letting it all out now. All the pent up anger, all of the things that had pissed him off tonight and upset him. It was all coming out. And it was probably time.
"Yeah, you're right. I haven't heard you say this many words in years," Mellie said sarcastically.
He rolled his eyes at her, crossing his arms over his chest as she continued to talk.
"This isn't an option, and you know it. I will not have her grow up the way I did," Mellie said sternly.
"Oh my God, you grew up in a fucking palace! Your parents didn't get along, my oh my, isn't that exactly what's going on here? With you and I? Jesus Christ, at least you had two living parents!" he exclaimed. "They got divorced, Mell. Well you know what, so do 50 percent of other married couples in America."
Her face grew so angry, angrier than he ever thought possible. When he saw tears welling up in her eyes, he instantly knew he'd gone too far. Talking about her parents and her childhood, especially like that. Minimizing her experience.
Off-limits.
"Don't...you...dare, talk down to me about growing up in a palace, you fucking trust fund baby. Just the same as me—don't be a hypocrite. You have no idea what I dealt with when I was a child. You don't even know the damn half of it, Fitzgerald. You don't know how much it harmed me. And I will not let it harm her," she said, pointing at him.
"Yeah, and our only plan in order for us not to harm her—is pretend. Well guess what, we thought it could work, only now, she's questioning. So how long do you realistically think it's gonna take for her to question us again? Huh? Another month or two? Maybe a year? Well then what?"
"She won't need to question again, because we can figure it out," Mellie said again, wiping her face of the angry tears quickly. "We'll be better."
He sighed, looking her over. "I can't be better with you."
"Well, you better fucking try," she whispered. "We've done it for ten years, I don't know how this could still be a problem now. There's no other option."
"Oh, there are plenty of other options," he suggested. He'd never said that to her before.
But she'd had quite enough after that.
She shook her head and let out a sarcastic laugh. "I'm done with this conversation."
She opened the door and left before he could even say another word. He was tired anyway. It had been one of the longest days he'd had in a while. But there was no way in hell he was sleeping next to her.
He knew he'd stepped over the line a little bit with the mention of her parents—that was so out of bounds and he knew it, but had done it anyway.
He already felt bad, but he was still so pissed off, and needed to leave that room. So he did. He was already ready for bed, and he should probably let Hank out one more time anyway.
He went and grabbed the pillows from his side of the bed and glared at her, walking toward their bedroom door.
"Where the fuck are you going?" Mellie asked.
"I'm not sleeping with you. I'll sleep in a guest room," he answered.
"What? Karen could see you," she said back in a hushed whisper.
And she was right. There was a reason they slept in the same room. Their King sized bed was big enough for them to stay far away from each other. But also, the guest rooms were down the hallway past Karen's room, so if anyone were to sleep there, there was a possibility she could see that. She slept with her door open for the most part.
"Then I'll sleep on the couch, or in the basement," he shrugged.
She scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous. You're not actually going to do that."
He raised his eyebrows at her as he opened their door and then shut it, all while she watched him. His actions didn't even need a response.
Considering he didn't want to worry Karen more right now, he headed downstairs. Not to the guest room in the basement, just the living room couch on the main level. He was quiet, and it was comfortable enough.
Anything was better than his own bedroom.
He felt even more conflicted now. He'd flat out lied to Karen tonight, he didn't really have another choice. He hadn't talked it through with Mellie at that point and it had been pretty sudden. Not to mention, he knew she was a worrier, and wouldn't be able to sleep if he said "yeah, actually your mom and I loathe each other! Good catch!"
If he was actually going to sit down with Karen and have a talk about this, he needed a little more time to think through what he'd say, and he definitely wouldn't do it right before she went to sleep. Good lord that had really caught him off guard.
But he hadn't been lying when he told Mellie it was only a matter of time before she questioned them again.
This was exactly what he didn't need tonight, on top of everything else. Or maybe...it was what he needed.
He didn't know. Not right now. There was so much on his mind to begin with—tonight had made it all ten times worse.
Hank had come down from Karen's bedroom, so Fitz let him out to the bathroom. After he had come back inside, Fitz laid down on the couch, thankful that it was at least comfortable and he had a pillow and a blanket. Hank decided to curl up next to him on the floor, probably wondering why the hell his dad was sleeping there.
Fitz's thoughts consumed him.
First and foremost, about his little girl. Desperately hoping she was okay, and that she wouldn't overthink things. He knew tomorrow he'd have to do something for her. Something to make her smile. Make her favorite dinner, or maybe order from her favorite restaurant. Surprise her with something, maybe. He had until tomorrow after work and her school when he'd see her next, to think of something.
Then, he thought about his fight with Mellie.
He and Mellie had never had a conversation like that in their lives. He knew he'd need to apologize tomorrow about some of the things he had said, and he would.
But then, laying there in the dark living room, his thoughts turned to another woman. She was a huge part of all of this, after all. Even if Mellie and Karen didn't know it.
He thought about what his best friend had told him regarding Olivia. What she'd said about having a choice in all of this. That was always on his mind too.
It was kind of what Olivia had said earlier tonight. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. That's how he felt about his "options."
On one hand, he had a family, and separating it would take time, effort. It was not a light decision, and would require a lot of thought.
And on the other hand, he loved someone else. Not only that, he'd also never be happy in the situation he was in. Even if Olivia hated his guts and would never even think about becoming involved with him again, that fact would remain the same. That he would never be happy here.
Things were beginning to change now, though.
The fact that he even thought about having a choice this often now, was new. Before, he just felt like he didn't have one. Like Mellie had said, it wasn't an option. And he had agreed.
But now he wasn't sure. Now, he was starting to weigh his options more. He'd been doing it before tonight even happened. And now he knew it would take even more of a mental toll on him.
He wished he could take his mind off of it all for even a second.
He also wished he and Olivia could talk like they used to. How they had even before they'd become involved.
He missed that so much. He missed her—how they used to be. Things had gotten a little better, but they'd never been the same between them since they'd ended things, and he always blamed himself for that. Which she hated.
And so, with his mind now on her, he grew restless. Not sleepy.
An idea formed in his head, one that was stupid, but that he had forgotten about since this night had gone to shit.
He hadn't been loaning her any books recently. But she'd mentioned today that she had finished the last one she'd given him a couple of weeks ago. Back when everything had been...good.
So now, having a mental list of the books she wanted to read in his head, he felt the need to supply her with one. She'd just finished one today—she'd need a new book for enjoyment. Right? She almost always had multiple books going at once, she couldn't bear not to.
Especially with her leaving for Thanksgiving break the next day. She'd have lots of time to read while at home, hopefully. And if not, she'd have the flights back and forth for sure.
So he went for it. Part of him wondered if she'd get mad at him for this, too. If she didn't want him to tell her what was on his mind, maybe he shouldn't be sneaking downstairs late at night to leave her a book.
He knew she liked it, though—his form of "book delivery." Screw it.
He thanked the heavens when he saw that the basement door wasn't fully shut. It would at least give him a better chance of not waking her.
Slipping quietly through the door, he headed to his downstairs office, knowing he had a few books down there that she wanted to read. He'd done a look over of all the different places he kept his books so he had somewhat of an idea where certain ones were.
His desk lamp provided him the perfect amount of soft light to scan his small shelf. One immediately caught his eye.
"Bleak House", by Charles Dickens. It was an extremely long one, and it was one on her ever-changing, super long list.
He figured a longer one would be better right now, because of her break, so he pulled that one off the shelf.
He flipped through the book, seeing only a few of his own personal notes that he had made in it. It was a good one, he remembered liking it. He wrote a little note for her on a post-it note to stick on top.
Liv,
How about this book for Thanksgiving break? Knew it was on your list. Hope you like it.
He always signed his little post-it notes the same way. He did wonder if he should sign it the same way again. But that was another thing he just went for. She was the one who had come up with the nickname. And that's all it was—an innocent nickname. So he put the pen back down on the bottom of the post-it note, and signed it:
-Smiley
This book was definitely one that wouldn't fit under her door, which was fine. Either way, she'd see it in the morning.
He left it right outside her door on the floor, and made his way quietly back upstairs.
And finally, laying on the living room couch, he was able to drift off to sleep.
The next morning he woke up to his phone alarm, which he'd made sure was simply on vibrate so that it wouldn't echo throughout the living room.
It was so damn early—way too early to work out before they left, so they were going to skip that today. Fitz would just head right to work from the airport today, and he could work out after work. But Olivia had a long day of travel ahead of her, so he got right up and went quietly upstairs to his room to get ready.
Mellie was passed out in just about the middle of their large bed, so she clearly had enjoyed those sleeping arrangements. Good.
He showered quickly and finished getting ready. He let Hank out and fed him, before starting the car so that it wouldn't be too cold for Olivia. It was late November, after all, and she was heading to a much colder place, to begin with.
But he knew she was still happy to go home, despite everything that had been happening lately. She'd talked about it yesterday, that she was happy to go and see her family and friends. And he could see that on her face when he first saw her that morning, as he reached for her suitcase to help her.
"Thanks," she nodded.
"Mhm," he nodded back. She got in the passenger door that he opened for her and he soon came around to get in the driver's side door.
He started a conversation with her while he drove. He needed it, especially after their more serious conversation last night in her bedroom. He thought maybe she needed it, too, so he figured it would make her happy to talk about home. So that's what he asked her about. Part of him wished he could talk to her about his conversations with Mellie and Karen the night before, but he didn't want to add to her plate right now, either, so he stayed away from that.
It was nice, though—their conversation. Despite everything lately, it was nice. There was absolutely no talk about the two of them, or especially about anything last night. They kept it light. It was far too early to have it be a heavy conversation, anyway. But it was probably one of the best ones they'd had in weeks, overall.
So when they arrived at the drop-off at LaGuardia, he was sad. Not just because he didn't want to stop talking to her. But because she was leaving for almost a week now, not returning until Sunday.
It would give them both a little taste of what it was like to be away from each other. Otherwise, they were together every day—there wasn't really a way they couldn't be.
Maybe it would be good for them. That's what Olivia was hoping. She knew she'd miss him. But she also knew it could be a good getaway for her. She felt like she needed that.
They sat there, staring at each other, but not moving. Until Fitz spoke up.
"Alright, um...just text us about Sunday and we'll...figure out our plan to come pick you up," he nodded.
"Okay, yeah, thanks. Sounds good," Olivia nodded. "Have a great Thanksgiving. I know it's your favorite holiday."
He could feel himself blushing as he chuckled and nodded. He couldn't figure out how to stop blushing in front of her, even after everything—it was annoying. "Yeah. It is. Good food."
"Your mom's good food. And football," Olivia nodded.
"You remember," he said, looking up at her.
"Of course I do," she nodded back.
"Well, thank you. I hope you have a good Thanksgiving too," he said. "Say hi to your mother and uncle for us."
"I will, do the same for me," she said to him. "And...give Karen another hug and kiss for me later."
"I will," he nodded.
She sighed, looking around at the fairly empty area they were parked in. "Okay. Well. I better get going."
"Okay. Here, I'll help you with your bag," he offered, unbuckling his seatbelt.
She couldn't have even refused his offer, he was up and out of that car in a heartbeat.
She got out and went to the back end of the car, where he lifted her suitcase out and put it on the ground in front of her.
"Thanks, Fitz," she nodded.
"You're welcome, Liv. Have...a great Thanksgiving break," he nodded, looking intently at her. She was wearing her necklace; that would always make him happy.
"Thanks," she said, looking back at him.
She could see the sadness in his eyes, though. She felt it too. It would be weird, going home. Good, but weird.
He reached out his closed fist to her, and it made the butterflies in her stomach go crazy. It always would. Only with him, could a fist bump make her feel like that.
She reached out and bumped it back, adjusting her backpack on her shoulder.
"See you on Sunday."
"Yeah. See you on Sunday."
Pulling her suitcase along behind her, she headed toward the nearest entrance, only to be stopped not long after by him.
"Oh—wait. Um...did you get Charles Dickens? Did you...take that?" he asked.
She instantly turned, smiling because the book was in her backpack. She'd forgotten about it.
"'Bleak House'?" she asked.
"Yeah."
"I did," she nodded, coming back toward him.
"Okay. Was that...I mean, was that okay? I can still...give you books?" he asked.
She looked at him, looking so beautiful. And she smiled, nodding.
"Always."
Oh, his heart.
He nodded thankfully and gave her a grin and a wave. "Okay, cool...awesome. Um...bye, Liv."
She started walking back toward the entrance again, looking over her shoulder with a grateful smile.
"Bye, smiley."
Another emotional chapter. But this one was so so important. Many things that needed to happen, happened.
Small steps. I know, I know. A little more patience, friends. We will get there soon.
Things will only continue to become clear for them. Hope you're enjoying the messy, bumpy ride as always.
Stay safe, stay tuned, and read on,
~T
P.S. To all the Fitz haters out there—all the man is, is selfless. It's not a matter of "manning up" or "growing a pair" or any other phrases that people have used. It seems some think he is afraid of Mellie, or just afraid to leave Mellie, when there is only one reason he's afraid, and it's not for himself. It's much more complicated than that. Time will show that of course, their marriage is not the best thing for everyone—that much he's figuring out now. But if that aspect of his personality truly bothers you, this will be a tough story for you to read. That's just how this Fitz is—puts others ahead of himself, very reserved, likes to plan. That's all!