Monday, April 3, 1978
Across the common room, Kath was singing along while her friend strummed the guitar, and Mary found herself tapping her foot in time to the song. Kath wasn't a great singer, but she wasn't bad, and the first year boy they had nicknamed Ukilulki was quite a talented musician. Mary tapped Sirius's shoulder and he turned to look at her, the top half of his hair drawn into a French braid.
"You should break out your ukulele," she said, attempting to smooth a bumpy spot at the top of the braid. "You haven't played it in ages. And now you have a ukulele tattoo, so if you don't play, your whole life is a lie, really."
"My whole life is a lie?" He laughed and leaned his head back against her lap. "That sounds like something I'd say."
"Mary?" Remus's voice took her by surprise, and she looked up to see him worrying at a ragged bit of cuticle. "Do you have any pot?"
She laughed, her breath stirring the pieces of Sirius's hair that were too short to weave into the braid. "Is that a real question?"
A faint smile tugged at his lips. "I guess the real question is, would you mind if we smoked it?"
His smile had a fixed quality, and he continued picking at the skin around his thumbnail as he waited for her response.
"Moony, it's Monday," Sirius said.
Remus gave an exasperated sigh. "Yes, I'm aware, thank you."
"I'm just saying, you don't normally condone the consumption of mind-altering substances on weekdays."
"Well, I've finished everything that's due tomorrow, and I'm having trouble reading with that in the background." He nodded across the room at Kath and Ukiluki. "Not that I'm complaining – at least he knows more than three chords."
"I know four and a half chords now, you arsehole."
Sirius got to his feet and offered Mary a hand up. She noticed his hair had grown longer so the end of his braid brushed his shoulder, and she found it unexplainably adorable.
"You in, Pete?" Sirius asked. "Or do you still have homework to finish?"
Peter closed his Transfiguration book with a snap and stood up. "I can do it later."
Sirius chuckled. "You mean James will let you copy his later?"
Peter gave a sheepish smile as the four of them headed up the stairs to the dormitory and gathered on the braided rug beside Sirius's bed. They sat in silence while Mary rolled a joint. When she began a second one, Remus shot her a questioning look.
"There are four of us," she explained. "One won't really be enough for full mind-altering capability."
They lapsed into silence again as they passed the joint around, filling the air with a smoky haze. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, Mary noted, just a heavy one, weighed down by the worries none of them wanted to express. By the time they finished the second joint, however, Mary was surprised to hear herself speak.
"You can tell us what's bothering you, Remus, if you want." She scooted closer to Sirius and tugged at the hair tie that secured his braid, then combed her fingers through his hair so it hung loose again.
"I never said anything was bothering me," Remus said, leaning back against Sirius's bed.
Mary shrugged. She ran her fingers through Sirius's hair and began to work the smooth, silky strands into another braid. It should smell like an ashtray with all the smoking he did, yet she smelled only the fresh, woodsy scent of his shampoo. As she worked the strands into a braid, she considered how terribly unfair it was that he achieved such smooth, casual elegance without using a single drop of product. Here she was, dumping half a bottle of Sleekeazy's onto her head every morning, and her hair never looked half as good as Sirius's even on her best hair day. Lucky arsehole, she thought, leaning around to kiss his cheek as she let his hair slide through her fingers.
"What was that for?" he said, turning around to shoot her a quizzical look.
"You have such pretty hair," she murmured, realizing too late that this did not quite answer his question.
He laughed, the sound sharp and bright as it pierced the fog of Mary's thoughts. "Thanks, Macdonald. Your hair is pretty, too, even though it's always in my mouth or in my arse crack or somewhere else hair doesn't belong."
Across from them, Peter dissolved into helpless giggles. He covered his face with his hand as his shoulders shook with laughter.
"You laugh, but those bloody hairs end up everywhere!" Sirius insisted, tugging on one of Mary's curls to demonstrate. "You'll see once you date a girl with long hair, if you ever date anyone."
Hurt flashed across Peter's face, although he quickly concealed it behind a good-natured smile.
"You're so quiet, Moony," she said, more to distract Peter than because she expected a response.
He turned, studying her as though just noticing her presence for the first time. "I'm just thinking."
Sirius stretched out on the floor and rested his head in Mary's lap. "Thinking about how sorry you are for insulting my ukulele skills? Or about how you're finally going to tell us what Seven is like in bed? Or about what your next tattoo is going to be?"
Remus smiled, but the heaviness didn't leave his eyes. "No. Just about, I dunno, a furry little problem-related problem. And sort of a family-related problem, I guess."
Mary nodded. "I can relate. Not to the furry little problem bit, obviously, just the family problems bit." Then, because none of them spoke and Mary wanted to fill the silence, she went on, "I smoked a joint with my mum the other night."
Peter frowned. "What was that like?"
She laughed as she combed her fingers through a handful of Sirius's hair before letting it fall back in a cascade of smooth dark strands. "Bloody strange, to be honest. I told her our plans for after Hogwarts, and she hugged me and told me she loved me, which she never fucking does."
"That's sweet," Remus said, gazing down at his ragged fingers with detached interest. "And surprisingly wholesome."
Mary smiled wryly. "Yes, well, she also told me my dad had a magical cock, so I'm not sure wholesome's the right word."
Sirius burst into laughter, his shoulders shaking against Mary's leg. "Melanie is the best. I don't care what anybody says about her."
"Yes, well, she's fond of you, too." Mary smirked at Sirius and added, "She's dying for another ride on your motorbike."
"Bet that's not the only sort of ride she's dying for," Remus said, and Mary was so startled that a laugh burst from her lips. "Sorry," he added, grinning. "I wasn't going to say that out loud, and then I accidentally did."
"Stoned Moony is my favorite," Peter said.
Mary nodded. "Me too." The laughter faded from her face and her expression turned serious as she thought about Melanie all alone in her flat.
"I am worried about her, a bit," she admitted, her fingers falling still on Sirius's head. Her worries bubbled to the surface rather than staying buried where she usually preferred them to be. It was something about the air, heavy with smoke and the scent of marijuana, and the cozy flickering light, and the four of them all gathered on the floor – the atmosphere encouraged confidences. "She's always had me around to check up on her. I don't know how she'll manage if something happens to me."
"That's a moot point, Macdonald," Sirius said, staring up from her lap with a fierce smile on his face, "because I'm not going to let anything happen to you."
Keeping her eyes locked on his, she reached out and found his hand, resting her fingers against his until she pulled away again. Neither of them acknowledged the gesture, yet something unspoken passed between them in that brief brush of their hands. Sirius grinned, then guided her hand back up to play with his hair.
"You still look all broody," he observed, lifting his head to look at Remus. "What, hearing about how much Macdonald's mum wants to shag me didn't make you feel any better about your own problems?"
Remus stopped staring at his fingernails and looked up at Sirius slowly. "I'm pretty sure broody is the word used to describe chickens that want to sit on eggs," he said, frowning.
Sirius roared with laughter, rolling sideways off Mary's lap and heaving himself into an upright position. "Now I'm picturing you wearing your stupid fucking cardigan, reading a book and sitting on a bunch of eggs." He looked at Remus and shook his head before dissolving into laughter once again. "He'd make a good hen, wouldn't he, Macdonald?" When Mary only stared at him in amusement, he turned to Peter. "Don't you think, Pete?"
"I'm going to ignore everything you say for the rest of the night," Remus said, grinning. "Obviously that joint has altered your mind, and not in a good way."
"Alright, alright," Sirius said, wiping away tears of laughter. "Anyway, I was going to suggest we play the 'Who has the most fucked up family' game, because it's my favorite."
"Padfoot," Remus said, a cautious note in his voice.
"Don't 'Padfoot' me – you're just afraid I'll win," Sirius said, flashing him a taunting grin. "I always do. So, in this edition of the Black family saga, I'm convinced I'll meet Regulus during some mission or battle and I'll have to, you know…" He raised his eyebrows. "Prune the family tree?"
Peter's eyes widened. "Padfoot!"
Sirius nodded. "Fucked up, right? I mean, I'd definitely beat him in a duel. Regulus can't make decisions to save his life. He always hesitates, and in a duel that means you're fucking dead. He's a bit like you, Wormtail – no offense. But…" His voice trailed off and he shook his head. "I dunno if I could actually go through with it."
Nobody spoke for a moment. Mary could hear someone climbing the staircase and shutting the door to one of the other dormitories. She reached for Sirius's hand again, but lost her nerve and let her hand drop to the floor.
"Fuck," Peter said, shattering the silence. "Padfoot, that's really…" He gaped at him, his mouth open, then shook his head. "Fuck."
"Told you I'd win," Sirius said with a mirthless smile. "You can always count on the Blacks for fucked up family dynamics. That, and marrying their cousins – which, now that I think of it, still falls into the first category."
"I'm sorry, Padfoot," Remus said, his voice the barest croak.
Sirius shrugged and attempted to inject more joy into his smile, but he only made it look more like a grimace. "Maybe it'll never come to that. Maybe someone else will finish him off first, or maybe he'll change his mind and ditch the Death Eaters, although that probably means one of them will end up finishing him off, because I don't think you're allowed to just up and leave whenever you feel like it."
Mary looked at him, struggling to quell the emotion welling up inside her, then gave in and wrapped her arms around Sirius.
"Macdonald, what are you doing?" Sirius asked, trying to extricate himself from her grip.
"Hugging you, because you're making me really bloody sad." She tightened her arms around him and pressed her lips to his temple.
"That's the point of this activity," Sirius said, heaving an exasperated sigh. "If I'd known you were going to get all sentimental, I wouldn't have brought it up."
"I'm sorry," Mary said, pulling away with a sheepish smile. "I get sentimental when I'm stoned sometimes — you know that." She glanced over at Peter and laughed at his pained expression. "Look, I've horrified Peter."
"No you haven't," Peter said, grinning. "I was just trying to figure out how to say that I told my mum about joining the Order and she begged me not to, so I've promised I'll tell Dumbledore I've changed my mind. Except I can't, obviously, so I've got to figure out how to make my mum believe I'm not joining the Order after all."
Sirius and Mary exchanged pointed looks.
"Wow, Wormtail," Sirius said, nodding. "I'm impressed. I thought for sure you were going to say something about, I dunno, your mum making the wrong sort of biscuits."
"I do have actual problems once in a while," Peter said with a slight defensive note to his words. "She didn't come out and say it, but I know she was trying to make me feel guilty about leaving her all alone because that's what my dad did."
"That's not fair," Mary said, rising and crossing the room to sit beside Peter. "It's not at all the same thing. He fucked off because he's a coward and a tosser, and you're putting your life at risk to fight bigotry and hate." She put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. "She's just scared, I suppose. But then again, who isn't?"
Sirius nodded at Peter. "You'll figure it out. She'll come around after a bit. Or she won't, and you can tell her you're, I dunno, sourcing new ingredients for Honeydukes and you have to go abroad every couple of weeks."
Peter grinned. "That sounds like a brilliant job, honestly."
"I know, right? I should be a career counselor or something." He looked at Remus and raised his eyes. "What do you think, Moony? Can you beat our fucked up family drama?"
A wry smile spread across Remus's face. "Maybe." He gnawed at his cuticle for a moment, then took a deep breath and straightened. "So, Dumbledore has a special mission for me once we graduate. I'm supposed to go and recruit, er, other people like me. Which, fine, I suppose that makes sense, but I have no fucking idea how to do that. So I got the brilliant idea to ask my dad for advice, right? Because he works pretty closely with the Ministry department that deals with werewolves, so I thought, I dunno, he might have some contacts or tips or insight or something so I'm not going in completely blind."
Mary tilted her head sideways and frowned. "Your dad works at the Ministry?"
Remus nodded. "He's an expert on non-human spiritous apparitions."
Mary laughed. "Which are…?"
"Poltergeists and Boggarts, mostly," Remus said, grinning. "Oh, and also Dementors." An apologetic note crept into his tone as he added, "We have gone over this in Defense, I think."
"I'm sure we have, but I'm stoned off my arse, so right now the phrase 'non-human spiritous apparitions' means absolutely nothing to me." She wrapped a curl around her finger. "Is that why you're always wondering about what a Boggart looks like when it's alone?"
Remus shrugged. "I guess." He sighed and began to chew on the frayed skin around his thumbnail, then jerked his hand away when he saw Mary watching. "Anyway, I told him I was joining, but I thought he'd just be pleased to see me out of the house, you know?"
"Shut up, Moony, that's not true," Sirius said, indignant.
"It's true," Remus said, his expression hardening. "I scare the shit out of my mum. I know I do. And I figure my dad resents me for that, and looking at me makes him feel guilty because it reminds him of the day I got bitten, which I assumed he blamed himself for because he wasn't able to protect me or whatever…" He bit his lip and took a deep breath. "Basically, he dropped this huge thing on me that I wasn't at all prepared for, and now I don't even know what to think about it."
Mary shot Sirius a quizzical look. "Are you, er, going to tell us what the huge thing is? Or are you not ready to talk about it?"
Remus scraped at the corner of his thumbnail until his finger came away bloody and Mary tore her gaze away. "I dunno if I'm ready to talk about it, to be honest. I think I need to tell someone, because it's all I can think about and I feel like I'm going mad. But I'd also like to forget the entire conversation, so I don't know what the fuck to do."
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Mary said, resisting the urge to yank his hand away to stop him from digging at his cuticle.
The ghost of a smile tugged at Remus's lips. "I think Padfoot would disagree."
"Well, I do think you'll feel better if you talk about it," Sirius said. "But also, you can't mention something like that without telling us."
Remus sighed. "Yeah, alright. Well, it's all a bit fuzzy, because as soon as my dad told me the shocking bit, my brain sort of broke. Basically, a while back, Fenrir Greyback was called into the Ministry for questioning about the death of a couple Muggle children. He wasn't registered — a lot of werewolves aren't, and I can't really blame them. But anyway, my dad had a hunch he was a werewolf, but nobody believed him. So he got angry and…"
His voice trailed off and his hands clenched into fists at his side. Mary scooted over to sit beside him and rest a hand on his shoulder. Her touch seemed to give him strength, because he took a deep breath and went on.
"He got angry and said some things about werewolves that made Greyback angry."
Sirius's face darkened. "What sort of things?"
Remus hesitated. "Well, he says he didn't mean it – he was just upset that nobody took him seriously – but he said, er, that werewolves were evil and soulless and deserved to die." He said all of this in a flat, detached tone, in the same way he would read a grocery list or memorize facts for an exam.
"No he fucking didn't," Sirius said, hopping to his feet, eyes wide with fury.
"Hang on, Padfoot, you haven't heard the really wild bit," Remus said. "So he said all that, but they didn't give a toss and ended up letting Greyback go. He was furious about what my dad said, so he came to my house at full moon and bit me to teach my dad a lesson."
Peter dropped the box of Bertie Bott's he had been opening. Beans spilled onto the floor, rolling under the bed and coming to a stop next to Sirius's feet.
"Sorry," Peter said, his face white as he stared at Remus in horror. "I just… fucking hell, Moony."
Sirius stared at Remus as his hands balled into fists. "He fucking bit you on purpose to get back at your dad?" When Remus nodded, Sirius shook his head and began pacing back and forth in front of his bed. "What the fuck are you supposed to do with that information?"
Remus let out a bitter laugh. "No bloody idea. He kept it from me for ages because he thought I'd hate him for it, or try to go after Greyback—"
"Well even if you don't, I hate him for it and I'm going to kill Greyback if I ever see him," Sirius said, his hands shaking with rage.
Mary stared at Remus, taking in the slow trickle of blood from his thumbnail, the weary resignation on his face, and the deep circles under his eyes. She guessed he had not slept more than a couple hours at a time in days.
"Bloody hell, Remus," she murmured, wrapping her arms around him. "That's a lot."
"It's alright," he said, trying to pull away. "You don't have to—"
"Shut up and let me hug you," she snapped, hugging him tighter. "How long have you been dealing with this without telling any of us? I'll bet you haven't even told Seven, have you?"
"Why would I bother her with this?" Remus sighed, his breath stirring Mary's curls. "And you're one to talk, by the way. You keep all your problems to yourself."
Mary released him, a sheepish smile spreading across her face. "True, but my problems aren't on the same level as yours."
"Yeah, why didn't you tell me to shut the fuck up, Moony?" Peter asked, shaking his head. "I was going on about my stupid worries when you have actual things to worry about."
"But that's the thing," Remus said, leaning his head back against the side of James's bed. "We all have actual things to worry about. All of this…" He gestured vaguely. "It's a lot."
Sirius stopped pacing. "I mean it, Moony. If I ever see Greyback, I'll kill him."
"Stay away from Greyback," Remus said, a sharp warning in his tone. "If he bites you, we're all fucked. Can you imagine two of us running around at the full moon?"
Before any of them could respond, James and Lily stepped through the door. James carried his Quidditch bag over his shoulder, and Lily brought a whiff of potions fumes with her. They both stopped and exchanged pointed looks as Sirius resumed his pacing.
"What's up with you?" James asked.
"He's trying to decide whether he wants to shout at my dad or hunt down Fenrir Greyback," Remus said with a wry smile. "Normal Monday night things, you know?"
Lily and James looked at each other again. "What?" James asked. "What the fuck did we miss?"
"Well, the four of us were having simultaneous emotional crisises," Mary explained, then frowned as the word jarred her ears. "Crises? Crisi? Crisiseses?"
"I'm having another crisis just listening to you right now," Remus said before giving a quick recap of his confession.
"Were you just not going to tell us about this?" Lily demanded, sliding down from James's bed to give Remus a hug. "Remus, that's a lot."
Mary nodded. "That's what I said!"
"What can we do?" James asked. "What do you need?"
Remus shrugged. "Dunno. I think just talking about it helped."
Sirius stopped pacing and stared at him. "How in the name of fuck are you so calm, for fuck's sake?"
"Well…" Remus hesitated, peering down at his ragged cuticles. "I was pretty upset when he told me. I didn't say anything for, I dunno, probably twenty minutes. Because like I said, my brain sort of broke. And then I sort of lost it."
Mary heard a stifled sound and looked over to see Peter fighting to repress a smile.
"What's that look for, Pete?" Remus asked.
Peter grimaced. "Sorry, I know it's not funny. It's just… You flipped a table, didn't you? Or a chair? Some sort of furniture."
Remus rubbed his temples and sighed. "I kicked my desk. And a bottle of ink fell on the floor and shattered, along with some books and a glass of pumpkin juice. So it made a lot of noise and my dad came in to see what I was doing, and I said–" His wry smile broadened. "I said, 'Don't worry, it's just your evil, soulless son knocking shit over.'"
Peter burst into laughter.
"Remus, you're my favorite," Lily said, leaning her head against his shoulder.
"I shouldn't have said it," Remus said, still grinning. "He didn't mean it. And this was years and years ago. I know there's no point in getting upset about it now."
"I'm glad you said it," James said, shrugging. "What was he trying to accomplish, dropping all of this on you now?" He looked over at Sirius and called, "Padfoot, stop pacing around like a lunatic and come sit down."
Mary sighed and got to her feet, then grabbed Sirius's hand and guided him to sit on his bed.
"You're making me dizzy," she said when he protested, then reached up and began running her fingers through his hair. He tried to pull away before giving in and restin his head in her lap. For a few moments, none of them spoke.
"What are we supposed to do with all of this?" Peter asked, his voice faint and resigned.
James ran a hand through his hair and looked around at them all. "Same thing we always do, I suppose. Figure it out somehow." He glanced at Remus. "Seven was going to come up in a bit. I assume you aren't telling her about this?"
"That's right."
James nodded. "Then I suggest we all take a minute to pull it together, otherwise she'll know something's up in about a second."
Mary thought about Melanie, letting the stress and emotional turmoil fill her head, until she sighed and exhaled everything out into the air to join the lingering marijuana smoke and the scent of whatever potion Lily had brewed earlier. Then she gathered Sirius's hair into her hands and worked it into a braid, putting a smile on her face and attempting, as James had suggested, to pull it together.