Hey, friends. Just a kind warning that this chapter does include content related to anxiety and its symptoms. Read on, if you feel comfortable to.
"Ooooo, girl!" Olivia laughed, pointing at Greta. "You like him."
"What?!" Greta exclaimed. "Noooo."
"I'm no good at reading girls, it's very difficult. But I would have to say you do, indeed, like him," Stephen agreed.
"Stephen, keep your super fun accent out of this! Come on, I thought we were friends!" Greta exclaimed.
"Sorry," he cleared his throat. "Okay, I'll talk in my best American accent. How's this?"
It was actually pretty good!
"I'm impressed," Olivia laughed, along with Greta. "Okay, that was weird, though, go back to your normal self."
"Yeah, please do, you're not Stephen without it," Greta added.
"Okay, good, because that was really hard, actually," Stephen said, reverting to his normal, very Scottish, accent.
"I bet. I couldn't even begin to try and imitate your accent," Olivia said, shaking her head.
"Neither could I," Greta agreed.
"How about Mikko's?" Stephen smirked. "His…how did you describe his accent?"
"Ahh, right, right, his adorable, cute, little Finnish accent," Olivia recalled, pointing at Greta.
"Agh! Okay, well it is super cute, don't even tell me I'm wrong!" Greta exclaimed.
"I never said you were wrong, I think it's cute, but I think you like a little more than just his accent," Olivia smirked.
"I mean…he's a wizard at science and you know what science does to me," Greta said, raising an eyebrow.
"If a subject could give a woman an orgasm…science would do it for you," Stephen nodded.
"Mhm, now imagine a man who also appreciates science. Not only that…he believes in it," Greta said, amazed. "Now that…is a concept."
"God, you're so right on that," Olivia agreed.
"Uh…do American men not believe in science?" Stephen asked.
Greta and Olivia looked at each other and laughed.
"We're not going to generalize…but…no comment," Greta said.
"Agreed," Olivia laughed.
"Ugh, it's so hard to be attracted to men. Why can't I just be into women and women only? I would save myself so much trouble," Greta sighed.
"I have to admit, I'm glad I'm not attracted to men. What's even attractive about us? We give ourselves such a bad name," Stephen said.
"Who even knows," Greta said, throwing her arms up.
"Oh, yes you do. You love particular adorable, cute, little Finnish accents," Olivia nodded.
"I'm never going to live that one down, am I?" Greta giggled.
"Probably not," Olivia answered.
"Which apartment does he live in again?" Stephen asked, looking at their neighbors spreadsheet with names and contact information on it. The "friendly neighbors" list.
"On our floor, all the way down the hall," Great answered.
"Yeah. Last one on the left, right?" Olivia asked, twisting her curls as she lounged sideways on one of their chairs.
"Mhm," Greta nodded.
"Let's see...Mikko Hokkanen," Stephen read, scanning their friendly neighbors list. "And his suitemate, Joel Virtanen."
"It's actually pronounced 'Juul'," Olivia spoke up.
"Juul," Stephen pronounced carefully. "He must be Finnish too then? That doesn't sound American."
"Yes. Have you ever heard two more Finnish names?" Greta laughed. "They're friends. Both from the same high school in Helsinki, I believe."
"That's amazing," Olivia nodded. "Joel is really nice. I haven't officially met Mikko yet but I do know what he looks like."
"I don't think I do honestly. I'm sure I've seen him in our building, I just don't know which one he is," Stephen said.
"Really pale, super blonde, and pretty tall," Greta said.
"Oh wait, I know that guy!" Stephen exclaimed.
"He's fairly noticeable," Olivia laughed. "You two would make super cute babies, I'm already crossing my fingers for you two."
"Well, I have to, like...have a few conversations with him first before we start having babies," Greta laughed.
"Oh, really? Is that...is that how that works?" Olivia asked, which had both Stephen and Greta cracking up.
"Oh, Liv. You always give me a good laugh," Greta giggled.
"I try, I try," Olivia nodded, pulling out her phone and seeing a response from Shawn. She was currently texting her best friend back home — just catching up. School talk, Marcus talk, Fitz talk. The usual.
"Alright. I have to go FaceTime my lab partner and work on my post-lab write up," Stephen sighed, getting up from his comfortable spot on the floor full of lots of blankets and pillows.
They didn't have much space in their suite so floor space was very valuable.
"Ewww, not jealous," Greta said, giving him a wave. "Bye!"
"Me neither," Olivia agreed. "Bye, Stevie."
"Bye ladies," he announced. "Hey, dinner later, yes?"
"Yes," the girls said in unison. "I'll see if Huck still wants to venture over and eat with us too," Olivia added.
"Sweet. See ya later," he said, opening their front door.
"See yaaaa."
"Adiós."
Olivia went back to texting, and Greta smiled.
"Boyfriend?" Greta asked, nodding to Olivia's phone.
She was rapid-fire texting and smiling — because she was texting about Fitz — so it was a very fair guess.
"My best friend at home actually," Olivia replied with a laugh.
"Ohh, my bad!" Greta exclaimed.
Olivia felt her cheeks grow warm though, as an embarrassed smile formed on her face.
They did live together, so naturally, Greta knew there was a guy in her life. Olivia had said as much the very first time Greta asked, without giving anything away. But she had acknowledged to her that there was, indeed, a guy.
Greta never pushed the subject. Whether or not she sensed that Olivia wasn't ready to talk about him quite yet or not, Olivia wasn't sure. But she appreciated that Greta was perfectly content to know there was a guy and nothing else.
But she did ask a question just then.
"Will I have the honor of meeting...boyfriend...someday?" Greta asked with a smile.
Olivia started to laugh, and nodded. "Of course you will! I'd love for you to meet someday."
That seemed vague enough, right?
"Sweet, I'm honored!" Greta said. "Alright, I know you're private about him so that's all I'll ask!"
Olivia looked at her with a smile and a nod. "I am...a little private about him."
"Hey, more power to you," Greta shrugged. "It's certainly none of my business. I'm just...so happy you're my roomie and I've really enjoyed getting to know you. And I just know that...boyfriend is the luckiest guy, because you're just...such an amazing person."
"Greta, what the hell," Olivia laughed, shielding her eyes. "I hate crying and you're really about to make me do it!"
"Oh, shit, that's right, you hate crying," Greta said with a laugh. "I'm the exact opposite. I see someone give someone else a hug or something and I'm in tears instantly."
They both started laughing and Olivia smiled brightly at her.
"That's very sweet! And I've really enjoyed getting to know you as well. I am so thankful you're my roomie. It feels like I've known you so much longer than I really have!" Olivia exclaimed. "And by the way, I am certain that you and Mikko are going to happen. So...when it does, he will be lucky."
"Girl, you are the positive, optimistic energy I have always needed in my life," Greta said, laughing.
Yeah. She had to rely on her positivity and optimism these days, especially when it came to..."boyfriend."
"Hey, I'm just speaking the truth," Olivia shrugged.
"Well thank you. I'll keep you updated on Mikko. I just...I don't know him well at all. We've barely said a word to each other but...I feel this weird...thing? I don't know. I'm probably nuts. But he just looks at me a certain way, and...I don't know. He makes me feel weird. In a good way. I don't know how to describe it, I just know it's something new and something...important. Do you...get what I mean, or am I super crazy?"
Certain looks. New feelings. An inability to describe it. And all of that even without many words being exchanged? Yep.
"Oh, Greta," Olivia laughed. "I know exactly what you mean. You're not crazy. At all. Feelings are what are crazy. They are...so strange."
"They really are," she agreed. "And super distracting."
Another big yep.
"Mmmhm," Olivia nodded with wide eyes.
Greta smiled at her. "We get each other."
"We get each other," Olivia nodded in agreement.
She sighed, finally looking over at her laptop on their table. "Okay. Ready to study?"
"Absolutely," Olivia agreed, putting her phone away.
She'd continue texting Shawn later. It was very important, after all — Fitz talk always was. Especially to Shawn, her number one supporter who always loved hearing how things were going, and giving advice when needed.
And she wasn't the only best friend who was a good listener and advice-giver.
Miss Abigail Whelan was just as supportive of Fitz, and he was in need of it these days. The past couple days, especially, as he'd been keeping Abby in the loop about all of his recent discussions with his wife.
There had been multiple discussions lately. He'd kept at it, that was for sure.
And later that same night, he was back at it again — conversing with Mellie in their closet.
Well, actually, it had progressed to yelling already. Quiet yelling.
"You never fucking listen to me," Fitz said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.
He was over this.
"What can I say — maybe I'm not used to it. We've been together 10 years and you've only recently seemed to have found your words," Mellie shot back. "And they sure as hell aren't words I wanna hear."
"Please, for the love of God, if you're going to deflect like you normally do, can you at least pick a new flaw of mine to make fun of? I'm getting pretty Goddamn tired of that one."
"Ahhh, so he's a smartass now too? So many new facets of you, baby, this truly is interesting," she said.
He grew annoyed, because he truly wasn't a smartass by nature. Perhaps she brought it out in him.
And he winced at "baby" coming out of her mouth, yet again. She said it almost condescendingly, even though she knew he hated it now. She didn't know why he did. She probably thought since he wanted to be done with her, he just didn't want to hear endearments from her anymore.
She didn't know the real reason. She didn't know that he wanted to throw up when it came out of her mouth. She didn't know that it was only reserved for one woman, and that woman was not her. She may have been the first one to call him "baby," but she sure as hell wasn't the one he wanted to hear it from.
"Hey, here's a thought, if you despise me so much, why'd you ever think it would be a great idea to stay with me to begin with? Seems like a great environment to continue to raise a child in together," he said sarcastically.
Shit, okay, maybe he was a smartass.
She laughed. "Oh, Fitz, I've stayed with you because you knocked me up with said child, I thought we've been over that," she said sassily. "Although I have to admit, the things you can do to a woman in the bedroom are such a nice perk. Don't they always say the shy ones are the best in bed? At least you've got that going for you."
He shot her an annoyed look and turned his head away from her in literal disgust.
"You literally will do anything to avoid a normal, mature conversation, won't you?" he asked.
"First of all, you're the one who cornered me in our damn closet to start this conversation, so don't stand there and talk down to me about avoiding conversations or maturity," she shot back. "All I was trying to do was change after my relaxing shower, and here you are to ruin it all."
"I didn't corner you. I asked if I could come in, and you said yes. And I wouldn't have to do these...ridiculous things if you'd agree to have a conversation with me? All we have to do is go somewhere more private. And you refuse every time."
"This isn't private enough for you? We're in our walk-in closet and I'm in nothing but my robe. Seems plenty private to me," she said sarcastically, shimmying her robe off.
He eyed her annoyedly as she stepped out of it, now completely naked and searching for clothes to put on.
He rolled his eyes and shook his head at her.
"Oh, now you go quiet? Come on — I give you a chance to talk, and you say nothing?" she asked, slipping on some underwear. "Why am I not surprised."
"You didn't always...treat me this way," he stated, leaning against the door, looking at her.
She looked up at him, giving him an odd look. "What on earth are you talking about?"
"I mean, you didn't always treat me this way. Not in the beginning."
"Treat you what way?" she snapped back, clasping her bra into place.
"You aren't a bad person," he shook his head, crossing his arms. "You are...the best mother to our daughter. No matter what, I always know you have her best interest at heart. You love her more than anything, just like I do. You're the best sister to Harmony. The best...daughter to your mother. The best nurse to your patients. The best friend to your girlfriends. You're...a good person. You're kind. You have a good heart. But when it comes to me, that person...disappears. It was there once, when...we were young. But I haven't seen her in our marriage for a long time. You...despise me."
"That's ridiculous," she shot back.
"Is it?" he asked, giving her a "really?" look.
"You're being dramatic," she huffed, slipping into a pair of silk pajamas.
"Oh, I — I'm being dramatic?" Fitz asked with a laugh. "My God, Mellie. Why don't you think about it before insinuating things. When was the last time we even had a nice conversation? One that wasn't fucking...pretend? One where we weren't at each other's throats? One that was...real?"
She eyed him angrily, but didn't answer.
Because she couldn't. He didn't even have the answer. That was his point.
"Exactly!" he exclaimed quietly, throwing his hands in the air. "You don't even know! I don't even know!"
"Why does that fucking matter to you?" she asked. "We've done this for so long — we've learned? We've learned how to do this? Why are you so Goddamn fixated on the ins and outs of our relationship all of a sudden?"
"Because! I should have have been fixated on it a long time ago! You should have, too. And not...not just for us. For K, too. She should have gotten to grow up in a real happy environment. Something that was real. And yes, even if that means with...divorced parents. At least it would have been real. And...it still can be, Mell."
"You're out of your mind," Mellie laughed, shaking her head.
"How come? Because I'm finally thinking about...the bigger picture?" he asked.
"No. Because you're thinking about you. And only you," she snapped.
"You're right. I am thinking about me," he said. "For the first time in my life, I'm thinking about me, and...and my happiness. But I'm thinking about Karen too. I'm thinking about you, Mell. You deserve so much better than this, too. You deserve someone you can actually look at without being...fucking disgusted."
For the first time during the conversation, her face softened a bit. She looked at him like she was about to say he was wrong.
"I...I don't — "
"Don't tell me I'm wrong," Fitz shook his head. "In here, we don't pretend. In here, we can yell and argue as much as we want. But...we don't pretend in here."
She exhaled quietly, looking at him curiously. But he continued talking, so all she was able to do was listen to him.
"We deserve better," he whispered. "You and me. We're still...so young. We've got so much of our lives ahead of us. And...we deserve something that isn't what we have now. What we have now is...laughable. And sad. And not the right way to live our lives."
She shook her head at him, looking at him almost in pain.
And for the first time in...ever, she hadn't said anything. She couldn't seem to speak. She just listened, and she actually listened intently.
"Don't...don't you want to...love someone?" he whispered, starting to walk toward her. "Don't you want to...feel that?"
She furrowed her eyebrows at him, completely silenced now. She shook her head at him, looking as though she was either going to pass out, or cry.
"Because I want to," he said. "I want to feel that."
He was on thin ice here. He wasn't lying, he did want to feel that.
Continue to feel that.
"Don't...don't you want to know what it's like to...to be loved?" he whispered, standing close to her now.
She shook her head, and she sniffled slightly. "We..."
"Don't pretend," Fitz shook his head. "Not in here. Don't say the words that aren't true. Words that have never been true between us."
"What we have..." she began shakily. "Is a family. And we love her. More than anything. That's...that's all that matters."
"No," he replied. "Mell. It isn't. That's what we told ourselves all those years ago. That's...what we forced ourselves to believe. You and I told ourselves we weren't important the second we had someone else to think about. But that isn't true. Because...what is Karen going to learn, continuing to grow up in this environment. What does this...teach her?"
He had to take steady breaths, watching the changes that flashed across Mellie's face. Things he'd never seen before. He wanted to celebrate, truly. Because he knew for sure that he had gotten somewhere tonight.
He'd been fighting with her all week. All week. And finally. Finally, he'd reached yet another place he'd never gotten to before.
She looked sad. Lost. Worried.
"We matter," Fitz said gently to her. "You and I — we matter. What we want, matters."
"Yes, and what I want is for Karen to...to be happy. I want her to have the best home life. Not anything like mine — " she said.
"I know. I know, Mell," he nodded. "I know you just want what's best for her. I hear you on that, okay? But...can you listen to me for a second, too? Can you please, just...hear me now?"
She looked up at him, and he could physically see her agreeing. She looked down at the floor briefly, and gave the slightest nod, before looking back to him. Truly allowing him a chance to speak his mind. No sassy comments. No sarcastic responses.
He was given a chance.
"K deserves only the best. She deserves...the truth. She doesn't deserve lies. We've done too much of that. If we keep going on like this...pretending, lying...she will know. Even if she doesn't fully realize it now, she knows enough. And it will only get worse from here, Mell. She will only get older; get smarter. And...that's something we can't come back from. It'll be too late. But we have a chance now to stop it. This is our chance. She's still young enough. And...if we don't take this chance, she will feel the way you felt as a child. She will feel...exactly what you don't want her to feel. Lied to. Caught in the middle. Scarred."
Tears fell from Mellie's eyes, as she took in everything he was saying.
"The thought scares me too, Mell. It scares me, okay? In no way am I saying this is easy. It will be difficult. But...it's the right decision? And if we work together on this, it won't be as difficult. If we can just...be on the same side. If we could just be a team..."
But that's when she snapped out of it, with tear-filled eyes, and looked fearfully at him.
"A team..." she whispered, sounding almost afraid. "We need to be...a team. We have always been, no matter what. We do what we have to do for her. We're...a team. We can't stop that. What...what will she think? How will she cope? It's too much. It's...it's...no. We can't. We...we can't."
"No, Mell, listen to me," he shook his head, grabbing her arm gently.
But she ripped it away, wiping her tears and heading toward the closed closet door.
"You're right, Fitz," she admitted with a sniffle, wiping her face. "We're not perfect for each other. We're not...meant to be. But we are a team. And...that stops, if we end. And that can't stop. She needs that. For Karen's sake, that...that can't stop."
"Mellie, we can still be a team — "
"No. We...no. We make this work. We do what we've always done. What we've learned to do. We make it work for her. We had your conversation, Fitz. We've had it a million times now, it seems. And this is the last time. I'm done with them now. We're done," she said, opening the door.
"No — "
But she was gone. Out of their closet. Out of the place where they didn't pretend, and back into the open — where they did pretend.
He sighed, taking a few steps back toward the wall by the door.
He could hear that she'd completely left their bedroom, as it was utterly silent now all around him. He put his hands up to his face and slowly sunk down to the floor.
He bent his knees and rubbed his eyes, sitting there against the wall in thought.
It was hard to stay patient, and stay optimistic. It was hard to be gentle about it, and have an adult conversation with someone so stubborn. So close-minded on this particular matter.
He was losing his patience now, and it was all getting old. Clearly he was getting through bit by bit, but even after he got through to her — she would always return to her previous mindset. She would get scared, and revert back to what she knew. Her stubbornness would emerge even stronger than before. It always ended the same.
One of them got upset and left — usually her — with this particular fight. And she would be unapproachable for at least a whole night.
And he would always apologize if he said something that warranted an apology. But he would never back down, not anymore. They'd had conversations surrounding divorce a lot the past weeks. He had to admit that Mellie was right; they'd had the conversation he wanted to have, multiple times. She'd heard almost everything he had to say. She'd heard his point of view, his reasoning. He was done "easing in" at this point — they were fully there. The discussions happened constantly, but only initiated on his end.
But it was hard to have a conversation with someone who didn't want to listen to what he had to say right from the get go.
There was only one thing left he had to say to her. There was only one thing, at this point, that he had yet to bring up.
Olivia.
The never-ending internal problem he faced. To tell her, or not to tell her.
From the beginning, his gut had always told him one thing: he needed to tell her. He wanted to be fucking done with secrets. He'd kept one of the biggest ones of his life from his own daughter, and all it did was cause problems, and make him feel like shit.
And so did making up random excuses to go see Olivia. He wanted to be done. He didn't want any more lies or pretending. He wanted to live in his truth.
He wanted Karen to know. He even wanted his mother to know. And he wanted Mellie to know.
He feared how long this battle could take, and how long he would be making up excuses in order to see his girlfriend. He feared Mellie somehow finding out another way. He feared not being the one to tell her, himself.
If he was doing something as dishonorable as cheating on his wife, he sure as hell wanted to be the one to tell her so. He wanted to be the one to try and explain it to Karen, too, when the time came. He knew it wouldn't make up for his actions in any way, but them finding out from someone that was not him wasn't an option in his mind.
But he also feared what would happen when he told Mellie, too. Every time he played it out in his head, deciding how he might go about it, he started to sweat and fidget. His heart raced, and he grew extremely anxious. He feared how she would react. What she would do.
He had no idea how she would take it. Truly. He assumed it would be bad, no matter when or how he told her. But he hadn't ever foreseen himself cheating on her, so he had to admit, imagining how she might react now was difficult.
He sat there in the closet thinking. Overthinking, and stressed. Rubbing his eyes and already feeling the onset of a headache.
After letting out a huge sigh, and tapping the back of his head against the closet wall, he got up slowly and annoyedly.
In time, Fitz, he thought. In time.
Their bedroom was empty, as he assumed. She was undoubtedly in the sunroom, as not to risk Karen hearing her cry. Karen was asleep right now; she had gone to bed fairly early because she was "so excited for it to be tomorrow," in her words.
Tomorrow, she was going home with her friend Casey after school, and having a sleepover. So naturally, to try and pass the time quicker, she'd just gone to sleep. Smart little girl.
But still. Apparently they couldn't be too careful with that one — who heard everything they thought she didn't.
He headed downstairs to the basement; his domain. His place. The place that used to be Olivia's.
And the first thing he did after he got ready for bed was text her.
He hadn't slept well at all lately, so he knew tonight would be no different. He'd slept like shit and felt like shit. A huge anxious ball of...shit.
Thank god he was going to be seeing Olivia tomorrow morning.
Fitz: I miss you.
It took a few minutes for her to respond. He checked what she had replied as he laid in the dark basement guest bedroom, fan blowing for some background noise.
Olivia: Aww, my smiley. I miss you so much. We still on for tomorrow morning?
Fitz: Absolutely. Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Olivia: Me neither. How are you?
Not great. But complaining about this situation? She did not need to hear that. He tended to hold that kind of stuff in.
Fitz: I'm alright. Fill you in tomorrow.
Olivia: Okay. How have you been sleeping the last couple nights, baby?
He smiled at her thoughtful text, especially after he'd just been thinking about his sleep patterns. Their minds always seemed to be synced.
Fitz: It's been okay. I need you. I sleep better with you.
Olivia: Me too, I know how you feel. Wish you were next to me, always.
Fitz: All I ever wish. You want a reminder?
Olivia: You know I love reminders. They're my favorite thing ever!
Fitz smiled to himself, typing the three-word phrase that served as one of their things — their "reminders."
The phrase he would never get sick of saying to her.
Fitz: I love you.
Olivia: Night = made. I love you too!
He smiled bigger. That was the best, to read those words from her.
Fitz: Thanks for your reminder. See you tomorrow, bright and early?
Olivia: See you tomorrow bright and early. Praying you sleep well tonight.
Fitz: Me too. Goodnight, baby.
Olivia: Goodnight, baby.
Olivia worked out hard the next morning. Not only did she use a few machines, she also shot some hoops in the gym and ran five miles on the treadmill. Whew.
She always felt really good after she ran. She appreciated the high it gave her. It also usually put a smile on her face as she got ready for her day at the gym — showering, changing, applying her makeup, and making sure her hair looked perfect. Well, the excitement she had each morning when she was headed to see her boyfriend also put a smile on her face.
That day, she looked pretty cute, too, she thought. Long cardigan over a cute blouse. Dark jeans. A nice pair of boots. Her natural hair perfectly bouncy and curly, in a half-up, half-down style. All of her jewelry — including the necklace Fitz gave her, as always. Her makeup.
She felt good. And she felt happy, despite the always-lingering thoughts about where her relationship with Fitz was at at that point in time — or more accurately — where he was at with Mellie.
And seeing him, of course, only made it better.
She walked into Starbucks that morning, seeing him already saving a spot for the two of them in the corner. The best table there was; their favorite one.
He eyed her up and down and smiled at her brightly, standing up as soon as she neared the table.
A dark gray suit...man, did he look good. Always.
"Hi, you," he greeted, pulling her in for a hug.
"Hi," she smiled, hugging him back and pecking his lips. "How are you, smiley?"
"Much more smiley now," he said, flashing her his cute Fitz smile.
"Aww, my favorite," she giggled. "I'm so glad."
His eyes then traveled from her face, all the way down her body.
"You are...so gorgeous," he said.
"Oh, Fitz, thank you!" she replied, setting her backpack down by her feet.
"Mhm," he smiled. "So how are you?"
"I'm good. I missed you, though!"
"I missed you," he said, reaching for her hand across the table.
She rubbed the top of his hand with her thumb and looked contently at him.
And that's when she noticed the slight dark circles. They weren't that bad, she'd had some pretty bad ones in her day from staying up too late. But his were definitely there.
"Honey. You haven't been sleeping," she said sadly, looking at him.
Last night he made it seem like it wasn't so bad. Clearly — it was worse than he'd been letting on.
His smile dimmed a bit, and he shrugged nonchalantly. "I've been sleeping okay, Liv."
"Your eyes don't show it," she replied, looking at him.
"Livvie, I'm okay," he chuckled. "No need to worry."
"Hmmm," she said questionably, putting her hand on top of his again. "Now you know my answer to that, Fitz."
"I know, I know. I am...yours to worry about," he nodded.
"Mine," she mouthed.
He bit his lip.
"You should…say it again."
"You are...mine," she said again in a whisper.
He smirked at her, sitting all the way back in his chair with a cute wink.
She smirked back. He was so sexy.
"How's little K doing?" she asked, smiling.
"She's good. She's been excited all week because she's having a sleepover with Casey tonight. Apparently they have…all these science experiments planned," he chuckled, as they both sat down.
Olivia started to laugh and smile. Sounded about right. "Oh man, only K. She is so cute."
"Very," he nodded.
She started to get up, looking back at him.
"So what are you thinking you want today? I'll go get it," she said.
"Oh, no worries, Liv, I've got it today," he said, getting up right away.
"It's my day today!" she replied.
He shook his head. "I'm taking over your day."
"Baby," she said, tilting her head.
"Baby," he said, tilting his head back at her with a smile. He pecked her cheek as he passed her to go get their coffees.
She sighed, watching him walk up to the counter. He walked with such confidence, and he didn't even know it.
One hand casually in his pocket, one hand reaching for his wallet with the other. Swagger with each step, in her eyes.
He came back with their coffees and she thanked him with a smile. An americano and a hot coffee with cream were their drinks of choice today.
"Greta asked about you yesterday," Olivia said, taking a sip of her coffee.
"She...did?" Fitz asked.
"Mhm," she nodded. "She's super respectful about it all; she kind of senses that I'm private about you. She just asked if someday she'd get to meet you, and I said of course."
"That's very sweet of her. I would love to meet her," Fitz nodded.
"Yeah. She calls you 'boyfriend'," Olivia laughed.
"Boyfriend?" he chuckled.
"Uh-huh. I haven't told her your name and she hasn't asked. I think she figures I won't say even if she does ask," Olivia laughed. "So...we just refer to you as boyfriend."
"I kinda like it," Fitz said with a laugh. "I've been introduced to a couple new nicknames since I've met you. 'Smiley.' 'Boyfriend.' I was just 'Fitz' before I met you. So…boring."
"Definitely not, I love your name! And Shawn calls you 'mister shy man'," Olivia giggled.
He started to laugh and shook his head. "That's right. I'm glad that...you have Shawn to lean on. She seems like an amazing friend, like Abby is to me. And I can't imagine going through this without some friends in my corner, so...I appreciate Shawn being there for you."
"I appreciate her too. Abby as well, and her husband. We seemed to have gotten pretty lucky in the friend department, huh?" Olivia asked.
"We did," Fitz nodded. "And...in this department."
"Oh, yes, I got lucky in the boyfriend department," Olivia smiled.
He laughed, his smile growing brighter. "That's my most important title along with 'dad,' I think."
"Hmm...not Vice President of Operational Risk at JPM?" Olivia laughed.
He chuckled. "No. Not on this list. But I probably should add 'son' to it, though, now that I think about it."
"Ohhh, you better! We don't want Jean feeling left out — you're her boy," Olivia replied cutely.
"Yeah," he chuckled. "She asked about you the other day when I called her."
"She did?"
"She did. She asked if I had kept in touch. Actually...she made sure I had kept in touch," Fitz said, with raised eyebrows.
She raised her eyebrows too.
"Hmmm," she replied. "And what did you say?"
"I said that...I had..." he nodded.
"Well that is...true..." she replied, with a slight smirk.
"We've kept...in touch, huh," he murmured, kissing her hand.
"Just a little," she teased, laughing.
"Just a little," he nodded, smiling at her.
"Well, I feel like I'll need to thank her eventually for reminding you where she put all of your photoshoot photos, because…I'm really enjoying those," she said.
He chuckled. "She was probably wondering why I wanted to find them."
"Probably. If it wasn't so risky, I'd have one of those as my phone background or something," she shrugged.
"Oh God," he chuckled. "I would be embarrassed. I hated that photoshoot."
"Noooo. You did so well! Come on, let me see my favorite pose. The closeup where you're looking at the camera with your most serious face, and…have your hand by your chin."
"No, I can't," he laughed, starting to turn red.
"Clearly, you can," she smirked. "Should I pull up the picture for proof?"
"No," he shook his head with a laugh.
"Pleaseee. For me?" she asked sweetly.
He looked at her pretty face. Ugh. Fine.
"You're…so cute, okay," he sighed, leaning forward. He rested his elbow on the table and put his closed fist near his chin as if he was thinking deeply. He knew exactly the pose she was talking about because he was pretty sure it was now her most favorite picture in the entire world.
Those photos did embarrass the hell out of him, because that was certainly not his thing at all. He didn't think he was very photogenic, so he just did what the photographer told him to that day.
But it was for his mom's sake, and for his dad's, too, so of course, he'd had to do it.
Apparently it was still paying off.
He wiped the smile off his face for a second and imitated his most serious self, as he was doing in the photo she was referring to.
Olivia smiled and started to giggle, looking at him like she always did. Like he was the most perfect person she'd ever seen. That loving, adoring look.
So then, of course, he couldn't remain serious for long. Her smile was contagious, and his face broke into a big grin as he sat there, leaned forward. His other hand was still on the table, his fingers laced in hers.
She was laughing with him, looking right at him. She was seeing the happiness on his face.
But of course, while looking at him, she also saw in his eyes that he was tired. She saw in his body language that he was stressed. He still hadn't filled her in on the progress he'd made with Mellie this week yet, but she could sense at least a bit of what he was feeling. But clearly, she couldn't sense the extent of it all.
Because as she was looking at him, seeing all of that, she saw the moment something changed.
His eyes flickered to the door as the sound of it opened and someone entered. And the happiness drained from his face again.
His eyes widened and he immediately looked down at the table nervously, taking his hand quickly away from hers.
"...Baby?" Olivia asked, looking at him curiously, before looking behind her.
"No, don't...just...don't..." he said quietly.
But she had already looked. There were many people in the building already. It was a Starbucks in New York City, it certainly wasn't empty. So whether or not she was looking at the right person — she didn't know, but the only person that had just walked in was a man.
A man in a full suit, with dark hair.
He hadn't looked up from his phone. He seemed pretty distracted by it, even as he approached the counter to order.
"What? What is it, what's wrong?" Olivia whispered as quietly as possible.
Fitz's chest was starting to rise and fall more quickly, and his face was entirely covered by one of his hands now.
"That man. That...he's…" he whispered. "Work...Andrew. I — know him. He knows...Mellie — too."
"Okay. Okay. Hey. Baby," she whispered, trying to reach for his hand. Not even to hold it, just to try and bring him back to reality. Pull him out of what she could already see was beginning to unfold.
But he wouldn't. He couldn't.
She could tell he was taking the deepest breaths that he could. And she could tell he was trying so hard to keep calm. He was attempting to push something away that just couldn't always be pushed away.
He couldn't help it.
It had been one of the most stressful weeks he'd had in a long time. Endless conversations with Mellie. Anxiety about how much longer he could have those conversations. Anxiety about when, if, and how he should tell Mellie about Olivia. Not nearly enough sleep.
And now, a colleague was right there. Someone who knew he was married, and had met his wife multiple times.
Someone who never came to get his own coffee, let alone came in this early.
Of course, Fitz knew they were at risk every time they were in the city together. Of course he knew it, and still chose it every time. But after the week he'd had, and thinking more about this exact possibility — Mellie finding out about Olivia from someone that wasn't him — it was a lot at one time. And it set him off.
"Oh, Jesus...Christ," he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut.
No, no, no, he thought. But there was no stopping it now, and he knew it.
She knew right away what was happening. But he wouldn't let her help him.
"Fitz, look at me. Fitz — " she whispered, starting to get up.
But he shook his head as he felt her get out of her seat.
"No. No — " he whispered immediately. "Don't — get up."
She opened her mouth in awe at him and watched him completely close himself off from the world. Accepting no help.
So much for feeling happy this morning, because she sure as hell didn't feel happy now.
The whole place kept moving quickly around them, but for him, it slowed down. He was panting — but trying to be as quiet as humanly possible. Trying not to draw any attention whatsoever.
He clutched at his pants under the table, and he clutched an empty fist against his forehead. Hiding his face, which the blood had probably all drained from by now. He couldn't even focus enough to look up at Andrew, nor would he want to risk him seeing him anyway.
He felt lightheaded. His heart raced. And he could feel the beat of his heart throughout his entire body.
Images of Karen filled his head out of instinct. His go-to distraction. His happy place — being with his little girl.
Images of the woman sitting across from him flooded his head then, too.
He now had no idea how Olivia was reacting or what she was doing, because he couldn't focus on anything but trying to pull himself out of it. He couldn't hear her anymore, if she was talking. He didn't feel her touch, because he had closed himself off physically, too.
But what he could feel was her presence there with him, and that was enough. That was something.
It felt like an eternity that he was fenced off from everything else, feeling the terror that came with an attack.
But finally — finally, he felt warm, soft hands on his cheeks. He physically felt her touch again.
His body was clenched up in every way possible, and his fingers were beyond numb. But he gradually began to regain his senses.
Slowly, it all came to an end. And she was right there to guide him back, her voice proving to be such a comforting sound once again.
"Hey. Hey. Fitz," she said quietly, holding his cheeks. "He's gone. He's gone."
He worked on slowing down his breathing and he finally opened his eyes.
"There you are," she whispered, sitting by his side now, rather than across from him. "Look at me. Only me."
He listened to her; his eyes locked on hers, and nothing else.
The loudness of the Starbucks slowly filled his ears again, and he steadily unclenched all his fingers.
"Olivia," he murmured, letting out a deep sigh. "Olivia, I'm — so sorry."
"Shhh," she said, shaking her head. "Don't apologize. Are you okay? What can I do?"
"Nothing — nothing. I'm...okay. Just...one second. I'm fine, I'm... I'm so sorry — "
"Shhhh, stop," she replied. "Take off your jacket."
He nodded immediately and began to go through the motions of taking off his jacket, which was feeling extremely warm at the moment. She took it from him gently and folded it in her lap to hold.
"Will you be okay here for just a minute?" she asked quietly.
"Yes. Yes — I'm...I'm fine," he breathed.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
He nodded.
"I will be right back. Right back. Okay?" she asked.
"Okay," he murmured, closing his eyes again and leaning back against the wall. Thank God they were back against a wall and in a corner.
She walked up to the counter as he continued to calm himself down. Still not quite believing that had just happened. That was his second attack in the span of a couple months. Which, for him, wasn't good; probably about twice as bad as his version of "normal". Sure, they would happen occasionally, and they always would. He had anxiety — that wasn't going to change. But it had been much worse lately for him with these changes happening in his life.
And Olivia had witnessed both of those attacks.
She came back with a large cup of water and set it down in front of him, before sitting directly next to him again.
"Drink," she urged, putting her hand on his arm.
He didn't question her one bit, as he began to take the lid off the cup.
"How are you doing?"
"I'm alright. Just...a lot going on at one time, that can...that can just happen. It's...okay now. I'm so...sorry about that. They happen at...such bad times."
"Stop apologizing," she said gently. "You have nothing to apologize for. But...can you tell me who that was?"
"His name...is Andrew Nichols. He's an executive at JPM, and...he knows Mellie. His assistant always...gets him coffee, and...usually he doesn't even come into work until about 10 every day — he doesn't need to. Just...caught me off guard to see him here. My fault."
"Fitz, how is that your fault in any way?" she asked.
"Obviously there is...risk in...meeting. I know that. And I fear this...exact situation, yet...here we are. I shouldn't have suggested Starbucks, or...should have picked a different one, or none at all. You just hope...something like this doesn't happen — you hope and hope...for the best, but...hoping doesn't work."
"No, Fitz. We do know there's risk, you're right. So if it's someone's fault, it's not just yours. But...if we didn't take these risks, when would we get to see each other?" she asked.
"I know. I...I know," he nodded in agreement.
"I kept an eye on him the whole time. He barely looked up from his phone. He didn't see," she said lightly. "I'm not saying we shouldn't rethink where and how we meet, because I don't want this to happen to you again. But...I'm just saying, you don't need to worry about Andrew, at least. I don't want it to be a subject of anxiety for you because he didn't see."
Fitz nodded, putting his head in his hand.
"You still aren't taking your medication, are you?" she asked, holding his hand in hers.
He sighed, shaking his head. "No. I can't. I can't work when...when I take them. Overall, they hurt me more than they help me."
She gave him an understanding look and nodded.
"Okay, honey, then we need to try new medication," she said gently.
He looked at her questioningly and shook his head. "No. Liv, I'm fine. I know how to...how to deal with it without them."
She tilted her head at him. She wanted to say "seriously?" but she figured this was not the best time to scold him, after he'd just gone through that.
"Attacks can happen...whether I'm on meds or not," he said, as if reading her mind.
"I understand that, baby, but from what I just witnessed — they're getting worse. And medication sure is not going to make them worse," Olivia replied.
"I've tried, baby, I've tried," he shook his head. "I promise that I have."
"I know you have. But you haven't tried them all," she said gently. "And we're going to find one that works for you. Okay? One that doesn't hurt in any way, only helps."
"I don't..." he began. "I'm completely fine, Liv. This is...my reality. I know how to deal with this."
"Fitz, you aren't fine. You keep saying that, but clearly you aren't," she said sadly. "How come you didn't tell me you were going through so much this week?"
"I was going to fill you in on...this week, but I just...I'm also not going to...to complain to you about how hard it is to fucking...leave my wife, or to get through to her even just a little bit. You don't want to hear that, and you shouldn't have to."
She sighed, looking at him intently. "Anything you're going through, I'm here for you. Communication is so important, especially for us. We rely on that, and we're good at it. So don't cut back on it now just because you're worried about...how I might feel going forward. Okay? I can take it. I appreciate you thinking about my feelings, Fitz. But I would feel much better being in the loop about everything — even things that are...hard to be in the loop about."
He sighed and nodded at her. "Okay."
"Especially if...you're feeling the way you've been feeling. I need to know that, Fitz. Because maybe...I can help? All I ever want to do is help you. You know that," she said.
"I know that," he nodded quietly. "And I love you for that. I love you so much."
"I love you, too," she whispered. "When these things happen, I want to be able to be there for you, and help you, in any way that I can."
"I know. I know," he nodded. "I want...I want that, too. You help more than...you even know. You're just...you're so amazing."
She gave him a slight smile, squeezing his hand. "So are you. You okay?"
"I'm all good," he nodded, exhaling deeply. "Thank you. For helping me. Thank you...so much."
She smiled and nodded, wondering why there was even a reason to thank her. Of course she would do anything in her power to help him. Always. She knew he would do the same for her.
But sometimes she forgot that he wasn't used to someone being in his corner. He wasn't used to someone supporting him.
He was used to taking care of everyone else and prioritizing everyone else, and getting nothing in return.
Everyone had their days, or their moments, when they needed help. And it was only fair that when he fell down; when he needed a helping hand, he was given the support to get back up again.
"Always," she nodded, rubbing her thumb over his hand. "We are going to think about trying some new medication, though. No arguments."
He sighed, looking at her. She wasn't playing around, clearly. She was very serious. And he appreciated that.
He didn't like the idea, it was such a draining process and he'd never been rewarded with success so far, but he didn't want to argue with her or upset her. And deep down, he knew she was right. If he were to find one which had pros that outweighed the cons, it would absolutely be worth it. His optimism on the matter was not high whatsoever, but hers seemed to be, and he knew she cared so much. So he just nodded.
"And...maybe we should just hold off on our morning visits for a while. Not forever, but...maybe just for a bit until we...have more of a grasp on where you're at with Mellie. I don't want that to happen again, so whatever you feel comfortable with is what we'll do going forward."
"It doesn't matter...if we meet in the mornings. It doesn't matter...how risky we are anymore," he said, shaking his head.
She looked at him questioningly, because clearly that did matter, given recent events.
"Ummm..."
"It doesn't matter because I can't take it anymore, and it's not right for me to...keep it a secret anymore. I can't keep any more secrets. All it does is...tear people apart. She deserves to know, if...if you're still comfortable with me telling her now. I can't risk it any longer — the chance of it getting back to her before I tell her. This is something that needs to come from me, and...the sooner the better."
Her heart fluttered, in both a happy, but very very nervous way.
"Is it still...what you want? You still want that, and you're...comfortable with it?"
She nodded slowly...even though she was sure she had nerves written all over her face, too.
"Yes."
He nodded in agreement, and looked at her confidently. After everything she'd seen and heard from him thus far this morning, she was even more sure about how confident he was in what he said next.
"Then I have to tell her."
Alright, there you go.
Things are happening. Things are going down! Strap in!
Hope you enjoyed.
Read on, and stay safe,
~T
P.S. Olivia's favorite photo from Fitz's photoshoot is posted on Twitter and Tumblr!