Wednesday, May 31, 1978
"Are we sure about this?" Mary looked down at the glasses of potion lined up on top of Sirius's trunk, uncertainty creasing her face. "What if you haven't brewed this properly, and we get stuck like this forever?"
"Are you doubting my potion-brewing ability?" Lily rolled her eyes. "It's perfectly safe, and besides, we went through too much trouble to get the hairs to back out now."
At the mention of the hairs, James produced six vials from his trunk and squinted at the tiny labels, then handed them around to each of his friends.
"Why do I have to be Filch?" Peter asked, frowning at his vial.
"Because we've already planned this all out," Sirius said, emptying his vial into his goblet and watching with interest as the potion changed to a pleasant shade of emerald green. "You get what you get and you don't get upset, Pete."
"Pads, you were supposed to wait for all of us to add our hairs so we can all take it together," James said, unscrewing the lid on his own vial. "It's more exciting that way."
"Well, add your hairs quick, then," Sirius said, shrugging. "I'm impatient. Why are you lot always surprised?"
They scrambled to add the hairs to the goblets of potion. James's potion turned a brilliant blue; he glanced over at Lily's and saw a pale lilac liquid.
"Everyone ready?" he asked, raising his goblet in the air. Everyone followed suit, then put the goblets to their lips and drained the contents. He waited a moment, wondering if this would be less dramatic than he had anticipated, and then leaned against the bedpost as his stomach gave a horrible lurch. His bones and skin protested as his body stretched, shrunk, and contorted into a different shape. It was like his first Animagus transformation, that same unsettling feeling of a change unfolding despite his body's best efforts to resist. When the pain abated, he got to his feet and reached up to run his fingers through his long beard. It was just as satisfying as he had imagined.
"This is so weird." In Remus's place Flitwick now stood, gazing up at James in wonder and amusement. "I knew Flitwick was short, but look how tiny I am compared to you."
James laughed and moved to stand beside Remus. The top of his head just reached James's waist.
"He's so cute." It was Slughorn's voice, but the mannerisms were pure Lily, and James couldn't help laughing. "I just want to pat him on the head." She gave Remus's head several pats, giggling as she did so.
"Say 'Oh-ho' every time you open your mouth, otherwise everyone will know you're not Slughorn in about a second," Sirius said in McGonagall's crisp, stern voice. He reached up and let down McGonagall's hair from its tight bun, then bounded over to examine himself in the mirror. "Bloody hell, this is weird. I feel like I'm seeing her naked."
Mary wandered across the room to join him, peering at Sprout's expression staring back at her beside McGonagall.
"Yeah, put her hair back up, Black. It feels wrong."
Sirius obliged, then grinned and pinched Mary's arse. The sight of McGonagall behaving that way made James snort with laughter.
"Ugh, Black, I can't snog McGonagall," Mary complained as he leaned in. "It's too weird."
"Oh, come on, just close your eyes and it'll be fine," Sirius urged. "I want to see what it's like, just for curiosity's sake."
"So strange," Peter said in Filch's sneering drawl, sitting down on the edge of Sirius's trunk. "Never thought I'd see those two snogging."
"I'm oddly fascinated," Remus said, flicking a bit of Flitwick's white hair out of his face as he gazed at Sirius and Mary with a bemused expression. "It's somewhat disturbing, yet I can't look away."
"If you two start shagging, I'm walking out," Lily said, laughing. She glanced at Sirius and added, "Oh-ho."
Sirius released Mary and gave Lily a thumbs-up. "Much better. Come on, teachers… And Filch. We only have an hour to cause as much mayhem as possible." He caught sight of his cowboy hat resting on the floor beside his bed, bending to retrieve it and placing it on his head. "There, now we're ready."
"That hat's going to be a dead giveaway, Black," Mary said, but Sirius fixed her with a stern glare and led the way down the stairs.
When they filed down the stairs into the common room, it was deserted except for a third year descending the girls' staircase. She cast a hurried glance in their direction, and then her head snapped back around to look at them as her eyes widened in shock.
"Surprise dormitory inspection," Sirius said, imitating McGonagall's thin-lipped frown. "I hope there's no contraband hiding in your trunk."
The white-faced third year shook her head and stumbled out of the portrait hole. Sirius maintained the stern expression for a moment longer before bursting into laughter.
"That was mean," Lily said, leading the way out of the common room. When she climbed through the portrait hole, she misjudged how much space her new body took up and had to turn sideways to maneuver herself into the corridor beyond.
"That was the sexiest thing I've ever seen you do," James said, grinning as he climbed through to stand beside her.
"Oh, shut up," Lily said, pointing at Slughorn's ample stomach. "He takes up more room than I do."
"McGonagall's pretty spry for an older lady," Sirius said when he joined them in the corridor, followed by the others. "I bet she could manage a couple cartwheels."
As they made their way down the corridor and descended the staircase, James had to repress the urge to giggle. When the occupants of several portraits greeted him with respectful waves, he returned the greeting by sticking out his tongue and giving them the two finger salute. He couldn't help it: their shocked, affronted expressions were priceless.
When they reached the floor below, they found a crowd of students bustling through the corridors on their way to class.
"Professor McGonagall?" a second year asked, frowning. "You're going the wrong way."
"Minerva, that's you," Remus said, nudging Sirius and concealing his laugh with a cough.
"Oh, right," Sirius said, drawing himself up to his full height and pursing his lips. "Er, class is canceled."
"Canceled?" the second year repeated, perplexed.
"Yes, canceled," Sirius said with a touch of impatience. "I assume you are familiar with the term? It means class will not be taking place. A large supply of catnip has just been delivered to my office, and I must attend to it. Please inform your classmates of the schedule change."
"But–" she began, her eyes lingering on the cowboy hat.
"Don't ask foolish questions, Miss–" Sirius shot a sharp glance at the others.
"Diggory," Lily whispered.
"Miss Dilderbilder," Sirius said, glaring at the third year. "Good day to you."
He strode away, pressing his hand against his mouth to suppress his laughter.
"Dilderbilder?" Lily said, raising her voice over Peter's howls of laughter.
"You mumbled," Sirius said. He reached over and shoved Peter's shoulder. "Shut it, Wormtail, you're going to give us away. Everybody knows Filch never laughs."
"And Minnie doesn't wear a cowboy hat, but here we are," Peter said, taking a deep breath to get himself under control.
They were attracting rather a lot of attention; a group of older Ravenclaws were huddled by a suit of armor, staring unabashedly at the group of teachers. Sirius waved and tipped his hat before continuing on to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. The rest of them waited outside the classroom, lurking out of sight behind a statue while James poked his head through the door and gave Macyntire a little wave.
"Professor Macyntire? Could I have a word?" Without waiting for an answer, he strode up to Macyntire's desk and steepled his hands under his chin as he had seen Dumbledore do many times. Several sixth year students gazed at him curiously, but he ignored them. "Would you stop by my office before dinner this evening? I have an urgent matter to discuss with you. I'm sorry for the late notice, but I'd like to handle this as soon as possible, so you can, er, keep your options open." He treated Macyntire to a sympathetic smile, then whirled with a swish of his robes and headed for the door again. As he passed Seven's desk, he turned back to Macyntire.
"I'm going to borrow Miss Bobbin for a moment, if that's alright."
Seven froze in the middle of taking her textbook out of her bag, face creasing with confusion, and James ushered her out into the corridor while Macyntire stared at them, stricken.
"Professor?" Seven said, eyes wide as James led her to the statue where the rest of them were concealed.
"We've received reports that you and Mr. Lupin were caught in a compromising position in a certain alcove in Gryffindor Tower," Sirius said, emerging from behind the statue and crossing his arms. "Unfortunately, our sources were a bit vague, and we were hoping you might tell us which specific compromising position you two were using."
She gaped at him. "Sorry, I… What?"
"Oh, for fuck's sake, Padfoot," Remus said, sidling out from behind the statue and putting a hand on Seven's arm. "Ignore him."
"Professor Flitwick?"
Remus laughed. "It's us, Seven. It's me – Remus. We've taken Polyjuice."
She stared at him, and then her eyes narrowed as Peter, Lily, and Mary emerged from behind the statue.
"This is the prank you lot were hinting at?" she asked, incredulous as her eyes traveled around to look at each of them in turn. "Bloody hell, you about gave me a heart attack, James."
"How did you know it was me?" James asked, chuckling.
"Because you just ran your hands through Dumbledore's hair the way you're always doing," she said, grinning. "Dead giveaway."
"Would you have known it was me if I hadn't told you?" Remus asked.
She frowned. "I think I would have figured it out. You give off a very Remusy vibe, you know?"
He sighed. "That's not a word. But I guess I can give you a pass just this once, because, well, I like you."
"We'd better go," James said, checking his watch. "You can go back to class for now, Seven, we just wanted to mess with you a bit."
"What do you mean, for now?" Seven said, but Remus made a dismissive hand gesture.
"You'll see." He leaned in to kiss her, then drew back, looking sheepish. "Sorry, is it too weird when I look like Flitwick?"
She laughed. "It is a bit weird, but I don't mind. Do it quick, though, so nobody sees and tries to get Flitwick sacked."
"I'm reporting this to Dumbledore," Sirius said after they broke apart. "Inappropriate student-teacher interactions, in the corridor, no less. I am appalled."
"I'll allow it," James said, shrugging. "Time for phase one, everybody."
Once Seven returned to class, Sirius and Mary hurried up to the third floor, while Remus and Peter headed down to the dungeons. James and Lily remained outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, their eyes glued to James's watch.
"Three, two, one," James whispered, and then the air was filled with shouts and shrieks from inside the classroom as the Dungbombs he had planted under Macyntire's desk all detonated at once. They could hear Macyntire's voice, raised in anger, and then there was a scrape of chairs and a stampede of feet as the students made a run for the door and spilled out into the corridor.
"Ready?" James asked, pointing his wand at the record player they had stashed behind a statue earlier that morning. When the first notes of "Dancing Queen" filled the air, a wide smile broke over Lily's face.
"This is the most idiotic thing we've ever done," she said as she took his hands and they began to dance. "We're going to get expelled."
James twirled her around as one of Seven's classmates cheered and another collapsed to the floor, unable to contain his laughter.
"We've probably done something even more idiotic, I just can't think of it at the moment." He dipped her so her bald head was inches from the floor. "And we won't be expelled. I reckon that if we've made it this far, we're probably safe. It would have been a waste of time and resources to get us to this point only to chuck us out when we're basically done."
She laughed. "If you say so."
He released her, and they both raised and lowered their hands in a move that always made Sirius and Mary laugh and roll their eyes.
Seven's friend Tommy nudged her and muttered, "I figured Dumbledore would be a better dancer," which made both James and Lily burst into laughter.
"What's going on?" Macyntire demanded, losing his last shred of composure.
James stopped dancing and tilted his head sideways, stroking his long beard with a concerned expression on his face.
"Ambrose, it's Drop Everything and Dance Day," he said, as though this should have been obvious. "Don't you read your staff memos?"
Macyntire spluttered, his face reddening. "Of course I read – I must have missed…" He frowned. "Does that have anything to do with the Dungbombs under my desk? Or our meeting later?"
"What does dancing have to do with Dungbombs, Amby?" James said, turning to Lily with a quizzical look on his face. Just then there was a bang from the floors above them, and James gave Macyntire a conciliatory pat on the back.
"I suppose we'd better go check that out. Enjoy the rest of class, although you may want to give it a few minutes to air out before you proceed with your lesson."
He grabbed Lily's hands and they hurried up the stairs.
"Can't you go any faster, Evans?" James said, tugging on her hand.
"No, Slughorn's really out of shape…"
They paused at the top of the staircase. Faint strains of ABBA still drifted up from the floor below.
"Hang on," Lily said, slipping her arm around his waist and standing on tiptoe to kiss him. Dumbledore's beard got in the way and Slughorn's lips felt all wrong and the whole thing was strange, but when he closed his eyes it felt more like Lily, even though it wasn't her slim waist or dark red hair underneath his hands.
A surprised sound, sort of a cross between a squeal and a snort, sounded from behind them, and they both turned to see Peeves bobbing in the air a few feet away, his mischievous face alight with interest.
"Mind your business, Peeves," James said, holding up one of Dumbledore's long fingers.
Peeves gave a little smirk, then zoomed away, giggling.
"Poor Dumbledore and Slughorn," Lily said as they began climbing another set of stairs. "Now Peeves is going to tell everyone they're having some sort of sordid affair."
"I could see Slughorn going for Dumbles," James said, nodding. "He's well-connected and powerful, which is exactly what Slughorn looks for in anyone he associates with. And this beard is impressive, honestly. I could see Slughorn running his fingers through it."
"Oh-ho," Lily said, raising her eyebrows.
"But I don't think Slughorn is Dumbledore's type," James continued.
Lily laughed. "What exactly is Dumbledore's type, then?"
"I dunno. Someone who can climb two flights of stairs without getting winded, probably."
When they reached the Charms classroom, they saw a crowd of students milling around looking on in amusement, confusion, or a combination of both as Sirius strummed his ukulele and Mary sang along to "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard." Standing among the students was Flitwick, smiling as he tapped his foot to the song. When Sirius strummed the final cord and Mary gave a little bow, Flitwick applauded louder than anyone else. James was almost certain this was the real Flitwick, because he lacked that quality Seven had described as a "Remusy vibe."
"Now it's your turn, Filius," Sirius said, gesturing for him to come stand beside Mary. "Do you know 'Jingle Bells?'"
"Don't be stupid, Minerva," Mary said, rolling her eyes. "Give the man some credit. Everyone knows 'Jingle Bells.'"
Flitwick's eyebrows knitted together. "Of course I know 'Jingle Bells.'" He lowered his voice and added, "You should know from the Christmas party just how well I know 'Jingle Bells.' But to what do I owe this pleasure? I had no idea you played the ukulele, Minerva."
"It's Music Enjoyment Opportunity Wednesday," James said, emerging from around the corridor and clapping Flitwick on the back. "Didn't you read the staff memo?"
Flitwick narrowed his eyes and frowned. "I thought so… I must have missed that bit. Was it near the end?"
James nodded. "Indeed it was. Shame on you, Filius, you nearly missed out on MEOW. No matter, though. I'd be thrilled to hear your rendition of 'Jingle Bells.'"
Flitwick glanced around at his students, but when several of them began to clap and chant his name, he shrugged and maneuvered his way through to join Sirius.
"We can sing together, then, shall we?" Sirius said, before launching into the opening chord of Jingle Bells.
"Thank you, thank you, that was truly wonderful," James said, bowing to Sirius and Flitwick when they finished the song. "And now, we should go and celebrate MEOW with the rest of the staff. Enjoy the rest of your Charms class, students, and be sure to thank Professor Flitwick for his lovely musical performance – that was a real treat."
"Who's covering your class, Minerva?" Flitwick said, as though realizing for the first time that McGonagall was not where she was supposed to be.
"I gave them the day off," Sirius said, tipping his hat. "Albus said we were allowed to, in order to properly celebrate MEOW. It was all in the memo."
They bustled away, leaving Flitwick staring in confusion after them.
"That was the best thing I've ever seen in my life," Lily said, emerging from behind the statue to join them as they hurried down the stairs.
"I about fucking died when you said MEOW," Sirius said, tucking his ukulele under his arm as he settled himself onto the bannister and slid all the way down to the bottom of the staircase before lighting a cigarette.
"I can't believe Flitwick sang with you," Mary said once she reached the bottom of the stairs. "He's such a gem."
When they reached the first floor, a Hufflepuff boy approached them, bringing with him a faint whiff of Dungbomb.
"Excuse me, Professor Dumbledore? Professor Macyntire sent me to find you and let you know that another round of Dungbombs exploded under his desk. He suspects Peeves and thought you might want to know about it."
James nodded slowly, steepling his fingers in front of his face. "Ah, yes. Thank you for letting me know. Please tell Professor Macyntire to kindly sod off."
The Hufflepuff blinked several times. "Sorry, what was that?" He tilted his ear toward Dumbledore as though he had not heard correctly.
"I said, please tell Professor Macyntire to kindly sod off," James repeated, enunciating each word.
"Tell him… tell him to sod off?" the Hufflepuff asked, looking horrified.
"Kindly sod off," James amended. "No need to forget our manners." He flashed a pleasant smile at the Hufflepuff boy, then continued descending the stairs until the chilly, damp air of the dungeon enveloped him.
"We're absolutely going to be expelled," Lily said, but she grinned and took James's hand.
James ran his free hand through Dumbledore's long hair; the absence of his short, untidy locks still surprised him. "No we're not."
They lurked out of a sight around a corner of the dungeons – except James was finding it was hard to remain unobtrusive when you were the headmaster and all sorts of chaos was descending upon the school.
"Professor Dumbledore!" a student called. James turned and grinned when he saw Kath. He stepped out from the alcove they had been lurking in and moved away so she wouldn't notice the others.
"Professor Slughorn asked me to come and find you," Kath continued. "There's something strange – well, see for yourself."
She gestured down the corridor, where students had spilled out of Slughorn's classroom to watch Remus and Peter sword fighting with pool noodles. Several students cheered as Remus dealt Peter a sharp whack on the back as he tried to dart out of the way.
"Get him, Professor!" someone shouted.
Remus slapped Peter on the legs with his noodle; he yelped and dropped his weapon. It rolled out of the way, and a girl with pigtails smirked as she nudged it just out of reach with her foot.
"I see," Dumbledore said, nodding and stroking his beard. "It must be Noodle Sword Fight Wednesday."
Kath blinked at him. "Noodle Sword Fight Wednesday?"
"Yes. I thought it was next Wednesday, but it couldn't be, because exams would have started. I suppose I ought to read my own staff memos once in a while." He chuckled as Peter bent down to retrieve his pool noodle and received a sharp jab in the bottom from Remus's noodle. "Well, I'd better go get my own pool noodle. I may have left it in the Prefects' bathroom."
She giggled, then clapped a hand over her mouth. "Professor?"
"It looks like Mr. Filch could use a bit of help," he said, attempting that twinkly-eyed Dumbledore look. He wasn't sure how successful it had been – he thought he might just look like he had something in his eye. "Go and tell Professor Slughorn I'll be right down."
He hurried away, stumbling over the bottom of his robes as he fought to contain his laughter. As he reached the end of the corridor and slowed, intending to double back, he nearly walked straight into the real Dumbledore.
They stared at each other for a moment, James's mind whirling as he scrambled for an explanation that wouldn't sound like complete and utter nonsense. Dumbledore stared back, blinking and twirling the end of his beard around his finger as his lips turned up in amusement.
"I, er…" James began, raking his fingers through Dumbledore's long hair before he could stop himself.
"I was summoned to the dungeons to deal with some sort of noodle fight? Did I hear that correctly?"
James smiled sheepishly. "You did, Professor."
Dumbledore nodded. "But it wasn't clear whether this is a battle with pool noodles, or if there is spaghetti flying through the air. My preference would be the former, although both will make an interesting story to tell at the Hog's Head later."
"You're in luck, then," James said, chuckling. "No spaghetti, only Flitwick and Filch whacking each other with pool noodles."
Dumbledore nodded again, as though James were relaying a perfectly normal bit of information about the weather or the upcoming N.E.W.T.s.
"Who is winning?" he asked with mild interest.
"Professor Flitwick."
Dumbledore's eyes widened in surprise. "Really? I'll have to congratulate him at our next staff meeting." He glanced over James's shoulder where cheers drifted up from the other end of the corridor. "Well, it appears you've got this under control, so I'll return to my office and do whatever it is I spend my days doing. You understand, I'm sure, seeing as you're me."
"Right," James said, grinning. He thought this might be the strangest conversation he had ever had, including all the times Sirius had debated whether various non-human entities could have sex (he thought paintings definitely could, but he was still undecided about ghosts).
"You're looking very handsome today, Mr. Potter," Dumbledore said, his eyes sweeping over James before he turned and ambled back down the corridor, his long robes billowing around him.
When James made it back to his friends, Sirius had his arm around Mary while Lily wiped away tears of laughter.
"You missed it," she said, nodding at the battle down the corridor. "Remus took Peter's noodle and wouldn't give it back until he admitted Flitwick was the best looking teacher at Hogwarts."
"Rubbish," Sirius said, grinning at Mary. "We all know it's Sprout. By the way, who makes a cuter couple, do you think – Dumbles and Slughorn, or Minnie and Sprout?"
"I dunno," Lily mused. "I'm starting to think Flitwick and Filch have potential. Sort of an enemies to lovers thing, you know?"
"Flitwick can do better," Sirius said, making a dismissive hand gesture before peeking at his watch. "We've only got a few minutes left. Should we cause just a bit more chaos before it's too late?"
James nodded. "I'd say so. Phase two, then? And meet back up in the common room in–" He glanced at his watch and grimaced. "Ten minutes? Evans, you can stay behind to tell the others where we've gone, since you're, er, the slowest moving out of all of us."
"Is that a fat joke?" she demanded, putting her hands on her hips.
He poked her stomach and grinned. "Maybe." He bent down to kiss her, closing his eyes before their lips touched. "Love you."
James, Sirius, and Mary hurried away, bounding up the staircase together and splitting off into three separate directions when they got to the top. James set off for the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, knocking on the door and peering in before anyone had time to answer.
"Just checking that you have the Dungbomb issue under control now, Professor Macyntire?" he said, his face arranged into an expression of polite concern.
Macyntire froze in the middle of writing notes on the blackboard. His classroom still smelled strongly of Dungbomb, and several students at the back of the class were giggling. James glanced over at Seven and winked.
"Yes, thank you," he said, his voice clipped and tight. The bottom of his robes was smeared with brown, despite what looked like an attempt at a cleaning spell. "Did you catch Peeves?"
"I'm headed to reprimand him now," James said, bending down to retrieve a dropped quill and rolling another Dungbomb gently across the floor to settle in the corner of the room. "Here you go, Miss Bobbin," he whispered, handing the quill to Seven with another wink. "Enjoy the rest of the lesson, and sorry for the interruption."
He was halfway down the corridor when he heard another faint explosion followed by a chorus of laughs and shouts. A smug smile spread across his face as he imagined Macyntire's fury. Git.
He skidded to a halt as Sirius approached him, wearing a confused frown. His cowboy hat had fallen off somewhere, or perhaps he had given it to Mary.
"Welcome to the day," he said, speaking the phrase they had agreed on to verify their identities.
Sirius's frown deepened. "What was that, Albus?"
James repressed a laugh. The correct response was, "Fly by night," but judging by McGonagall's confusion, this was the real McGonagall and not Sirius.
"It's a bit of a wild Wednesday, that's all," James said, chuckling. "I've had a report that there's some mischief happening up on the third floor – Peeves, no doubt – so I'm going to go and attend–"
"I'll come with you," she said at once, striding briskly toward the staircase. "I've dismissed my class early because half of them didn't show up and the other half were too distracted by the noises coming from Ambrose's classroom."
"Thank you, Minerva, but that won't be necessary," James began, but his voice trailed off as he caught sight of Sirius sliding down the banister, his cowboy hat flying out behind him as he shouted into a megaphone. Padfoot should never be allowed a megaphone, James thought pointlessly.
"I will now only respond to Minnie Meow Meow, so please only address me as such!"
He landed in front of James and hopped to his feet, grinning, but he dropped his megaphone when he spotted McGonagall. It fell to the ground with a clatter and came to a stop beside James's feet.
"Oh, fuck," Sirius said.
"Language, Mr. Black," McGonagall said, heaving a sigh.
"How did you know it was me? I could've been Evans, or Bertram Aubrey, or, I dunno, Flitwick trying to get you in trouble so you'll have to take his courtyard duty again."
The hint of a smile flickered across McGonagall's face. "The hat, Mr. Black." She gestured at Mary descending the stairs with the cowboy hat clutched in her hand. "Nobody else in the school is bold enough to impersonate me and wear that ridiculous hat at the same time, while sliding down the banister, no less. It's far too much nonsense at once for anyone besides Sirius Black."
Sirius shrugged and gestured for Mary to throw him the hat. "I'll take that as a compliment."
He turned to James and said, "Welcome to the day?"
"Fly by night," James said, grinning.
"Good," Sirius said, nodding before turning back to McGonagall. "Well, can my detention at least be with you?"
She pursed her lips. "That depends."
"On what? Please, Professor. What if this is my last detention of my Hogwarts career? It's got to be with you. In fact, you should give the rest of these hooligans detention too."
He reached out to catch the cowboy hat and plopped it into his head, then grinned as Mary came to stand beside him.
McGonagall narrowed her eyes. "Fly by night?" she asked, peering at Mary over the top of her glasses.
"Welcome to the day," Mary said, her head snapping around to look at Sirius, who now wore the cowboy hat and was attempting to tickle her neck with the ends of her hair. "What even is happening?"
McGonagall shook her head and sighed again. "It's unclear."
A laugh rang out from behind them, and they all turned to see Remus, Peter, and Lily hurrying toward them. Remus and Peter had pool noodles tucked under their arms, and Peter's robes were streaked with dust, as though he had been knocked to the ground once or twice.
"Welcome to the—" Remus began, but he stopped short when his eyes registered the presence of not one, but two McGonagalls. "Oh."
"It's okay, Moony," Sirius said, clapping him on the back. "Minnie's going to assign us all detention with her, and we'll make a night of it and bring snacks and really go out with a bang."
"Detention is not a celebration, Mr. Black," she said, pushing her glasses further up her nose. "It is a punishment." But James could see the hint of a smile on her face.
This is by far the silliest thing we've ever done, he thought with a rush of satisfaction. The silliest, dumbest, craziest thing we've ever done. And I wouldn't change a thing.
Friday, June 2, 1978
"We should be studying," Remus protested as they returned from the kitchens, laden with pastries and sandwiches and a steaming vat of hot chocolate. "N.E.W.T.s start Monday."
"Do they really?" Sirius said, plucking a biscuit from the plate in Remus's hands. "I'd completely forgotten. It's not like you've been banging on about then every five seconds or anything."
"Oh, shut up. They're important exams. I dunno why you're not more stressed."
Sirius shrugged and brushed crumbs from his lip. "Because I don't let stupid things stress me out, unlike some people." He gestured at Remus's raw and bloody fingernails; Remus scowled and tucked them out of sight underneath the plate of biscuits. "We're all going to do fine on the exams – even Pete, who doesn't know the difference between the PAQD and MEOW."
Remus stopped and nearly dropped the plate of biscuits. "What's MEOW?" he asked, eyes wide. "Why doesn't that sound even remotely familiar? I must have studied that before the last full moon. I told you my brain resets every bloody month. You lot think I'm imagining things, but–"
Sirius took the plate of biscuits before it toppled onto the floor and grinned. "Moony. No offense, but shut the fuck up. Your brain does not reset after every full moon. You don't remember the MEOW principle because it's not a thing. MEOW is whatever bullshit Prongs made up to explain why I was playing the ukulele. It stands for Music Enjoyment on Wednesday, or some rubbish."
Remus stared at him for a moment as the color seeped back into his face. "So I don't need to know MEOW for the Transfiguration exam?"
"Not that I'm aware of," Sirius said, setting off again with the plate of biscuits still balanced on top of the sandwiches he was carrying. "Ask Minnie, though, if you don't believe me. Or better yet, discuss it in one of your N.E.W.T. essay questions. I'm sure the examiners would enjoy a good laugh."
When they reached the Transfiguration classroom, they found the others gathered outside waiting for them. Sirius handed his plates of food off to Peter, who took them with a grudging sigh, then slipped an arm around Mary's waist and toyed with the low cut neckline of her dress until she giggled and shooed his hand away.
"You look nice," he said, his eyes flicking up and down as he admired the way her outfit hugged her curves.
"I still don't see why we had to dress up," Lily said, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. "It feels a bit much for detention."
"We're dressed up to celebrate the end of a long career of misbehavior and mayhem," Sirius said, pulling open the door and ushering them through.
"Yes, this is an important occasion and we should look our best," James added, taking a seat and smoothing out his dress robes.
"I didn't realize this was a dress robes event," McGonagall said drily, gesturing at her own plain robes. "I'm afraid I'm underdressed.
"Rubbish, you always look nice, Professor," Sirius said. He took a seat and tipped back in his chair, then pointed at the plates of food Peter was setting down on the table. "Help yourself to snacks, by the way."
She sighed. "Black, as I said before, this is a punishment, not a celebration. Snacks are not permitted in detention."
"Oh, come on, you can celebrate never having to assign us detention again," Sirius urged. "Besides, we brought Ginger Newts, and I know they're your favorite."
Peter picked up the plate and offered it to her, and after a moment she helped herself to a biscuit, a tiny smile tugging at her lips.
"So, what are we doing tonight?" James asked. "Do you have some sort of task for us, or are we doing lines?"
"Lines," McGonagall sighed. "The hope is that rewriting your shenanigans over and over again will make you realize just how ridiculous your behavior was."
When they were all equipped with parchment, quills, and ink, McGonagall pointed her wand at the blackboard; the phrase I will not use Polyjuice Potion to impersonate a teacher appeared in her neat, concise handwriting.
"We've got nerve, don't we?" James said, nodding at the blackboard and grinning.
"We're quite bold," Sirius agreed. "Nobody can say otherwise."
"Idiotic is what we are," Lily said, but she was smiling as she wrote her first line.
Once Sirius's loopy writing filled half of his parchment, he took his writing implements and a sandwich over to a desk in the far corner of the room, then pulled the two-way mirror from his pocket.
"What are you doing?" Mary asked, watching Sirius prop the mirror up against his ink bottle.
Sirius shrugged. "Talking to Prongs. James Potter," Sirius said into the mirror; a moment later James's smiling face appeared. Across the room, James held the mirror in one hand as he held a biscuit in the other.
"Hi, Pads," James said through a mouthful of biscuit. "Long time no speak."
"Black, Potter, what are you doing?" McGonagall demanded, looking up from the stack of homework she was grading. "I've told you before, those mirrors are not allowed in detention."
"It's for nostalgia's sake," James explained. "We've used them to talk to each other during every single detention we've served separately."
"Sirius forgot his mirror once," Peter offered as he brushed crumbs from his parchment and Vanished them. "Remus and I walked all the way to the dungeons to bring it to him."
"But you can just speak to each other normally," McGonagall said with a touch of impatience. "You're sitting in the same room."
"We told you, it's for nostalgia's sake," Sirius said, before peering into the mirror and rolling his eyes. "Does she even listen to us, Prongs?"
"What are you going to do next year, Professor, without these four to tell off every minute of every day?" Lily asked.
Mary laughed. There was a smudge of ink on the side of her finger, Sirius noticed. "Probably have a relaxing year for once," she said.
McGonagall's lips tightened as she repressed a smile. "I can only hope so, Miss Macdonald. I dare say I've earned it."
Sirius grinned. "We'll miss you too, Minnie."
There was a lump in his throat unrelated to the half a sandwich he had just crammed into his mouth, and he snatched up his quill to continue writing lines so the others wouldn't catch him behaving like a sentimental sod. So bloody stupid. Why would anyone feel sad about not being forced to sit in an uncomfortable chair and copy lines, or clean a blackboard, or scrub out cauldrons caked with frog spawn and beetle eyes? Yet when he looked around at McGonagall's classroom and the faces of his friends, his chest tightened and he had to grip his quill until his fingertips turned white. You bloody idiot. You sentimental sod.
McGonagall checked the clock and peered over her desk at their parchment. "That will probably do."
"We're done, then?" Peter asked, turning to raise his eyebrows at Sirius. "Does that mean—?"
"Yes, Pete," Sirius said, heaving an exasperated sigh and drawing his wand.
The others drew their wands, and then the six of them shot confetti into the air while McGonagall pursed her lips and peered over the top of her glasses.
"That was a bit dramatic," she said, brushing glitter from her desk.
Sirius chuckled and dusted confetti from his shoulders. "Have you met me, Professor?"
He rolled up his parchment and marched up to McGonagall's desk, and the others followed his lead and lined up behind him. "Here you go," he said, presenting her with the parchment.
She narrowed her eyes and unrolled the parchment, then a smile spread across her face, unbidden.
"You like it? You can dock points for not following directions, if you like. I just thought this was better than what you asked us to write." He beamed down at the parchment, where he had scrawled Minnie McGonagall is my favorite teacher at least 25 times.
McGonagall looked up from the parchment, her eyes unusually bright. "You never we're one for following directions, Black. I suppose I should be used to it by now." Her eyes lingered on his, and for a crazy moment Sirius thought she was going to dart out from behind her desk to embrace him. Instead, she treated him to a rare, warm smile. "I will not be docking any points today, but do try to follow the rules for the next few weeks, if at all possible. Otherwise, you'll earn yourself another detention and we'll have to go through this all over again."
Sirius grinned, swallowing back the embarrassing flood of emotions. "I'll try," he said, fighting to keep his voice steady. He cleared his throat, then stepped aside so James could present McGonagall with his parchment filled with Minnie loves the Marauders written over and over in his untidy scrawl.
"I saw that," Lily said, a smug tone in her voice as she leaned in to touch his arm. "You felt feelings."
"Did not," Sirius mumbled, his eyes sliding away from hers as he shoved his hands into his pockets. His fingers brushed the smooth surface of his pack of cigarettes, and he wanted nothing more than to light one up and drown out the emotions with tobacco and nicotine. But he had at least a touch of common sense, and they had already pushed their luck tonight, so instead he clutched the cardboard Marlboro box until the feelings abated.
"Did too," Lily insisted, giving his arm a squeeze. "It's okay, though. You've had a lot of good memories here. It's natural to be a bit emotional."
He glared at her. "Shut the fuck up, Evans," he muttered. "I didn't say anything about being emotional."
She ignored him. "And you know what? She won't come out and say it, but McGonagall loves you, too," she said, her voice so soft that he had to strain to hear.
"What—?" he spluttered, but she was already striding away up to McGonagall's desk to present her with her own roll of parchment. Sirius returned to his seat to push biscuit crumbs around the surface of the desk as he mulled over what Lily had said.
"Padfoot." James's voice echoed from the mirror; a few rows up he turned around to shoot Sirius a thumbs up.
"How's it going up there, Prongs?" Sirius asked. Already his emotions were returning to their usual invisible, unobtrusive state.
"Good. I have an excellent view of Evans from this seat." He looked away from the mirror, and Sirius looked up to see James reaching across the desk to touch Lily's hand. "Want me to describe what her hair looks like, for old time's sake?"
Sirius rolled his eyes but felt a smile spreading across his face. "If you must."
He tipped back in his chair and took a bite of a biscuit, enjoying this last detention more than he would have thought possible.