Later that night, Lillian sat alone on the settee in front of the sitting room fire. Nathan had put Little Jack to bed and then had gone to check on Elizabeth who had fallen asleep soon after Carson had left. Gabriel had told his friend to stay with his wife and he would read to Ally that night for him. Nathan had thanked him and disappeared into the downstairs bedroom.
Reading to Ally and Billy was what Gabriel was currently doing, and Lillian had decided to take advantage of the quiet and just sit for a few minutes. Taking care of six or more children might be tiring, but Lillian found her current situation just as draining. Still, when she thought of saying a goodnight to Gabriel without having to let him go, she knew even the anxiety and exhaustion from these whirlwind plans would be worth it.
More than that though, Lillian was glad that Gabriel was here with Nathan. She had felt this past week that Gabriel was keeping things to himself. Other than his report to O'Reilly, Gabriel had focused on plans for the wedding rather than what he had gone through. Every attempt that she had made to bring up the subject had resulted in Gabriel quickly changing the topic. While she knew that he could not keep avoiding it, Lillian had also not wanted to press him.
Lillian had been relieved to see Gabriel's emotional display when Nathan had hugged him earlier that afternoon. She knew then that everything that he had been trying to push aside had found its way to the surface. Lillian did not care if it was Nathan or herself that Gabriel talked to, she simply wanted to know that he was dealing with the trauma of his abduction. After all, she had talked to Grace about her own feelings rather than burden Gabriel with them. Perhaps if he shared with her, she could share her own feelings as well, but Lillian did not want to only add to his burden.
Footsteps on the stairs brought her out of her thoughts.
"Are you still down here?" Gabriel asked. "I thought you would be tired. Billy was asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow."
Lillian smiled. "I am tired," she admitted. "However, I was hoping you would find your way back downstairs instead of crawling into bed yourself. I really wanted a little time alone with you."
"I think I can oblige," Gabriel replied, making his way over to the settee. Sitting down next to Lillian he reached out and pulled her close to him.
Lillian moved closer to Gabriel, letting herself settle against him. Having already removed her shoes, Lillian tucked her feet up beside her. With her head resting against Gabriel, she reached for the hand of the arm that held her close.
"Are you doing okay?" Lillian asked softly, looking into the flames of the fire. She felt Gabriel kiss her hair, and thought that he was going to avoid answering the question. Instead she felt his rest his cheek against the top of her head as he answered.
"I am," Gabriel told her. "I needed this afternoon though I am sorry if I scared you like I did Billy."
"You didn't," Lillian told him. "I was concerned about you but honestly, I was relieved that you finally opened up. I knew you had been suppressing things this past week. After what you went through though, and the patience you have shown me, I did not want to push too much. I remembered not wanting to talk about what had taken place right after Trenton's visit to the orphanage and his threat. All I wanted to do was concentrate on making sure you were cared for, so that I did not have to think about the rest. Elizabeth was the first one I really opened myself up to, and it was only because she knew what I was feeling in a way that others couldn't. She knows the fear that comes with loving someone who wears the uniform, but she knows the joys as well."
"Just like Nathan can understand the doubts that I am feeling now in ways that others cannot. Even you."
"I get that," Lillian told him. "And if you do not want to talk about certain things with me, I will understand that as well." Lifting their hands that were clasped, she pressed her lips against Gabriel's hand. "I am just glad you talked to someone."
"There are things I told Nathan today that will probably stay between me and Nathan," Gabriel admitted. "However, there are some things that I need to share with you."
"I'm listening," Lillian told him quietly.
"When I saw Nathan in his uniform today Lillian, I knew that deep down I do not want to quit the Mounties. This job has been my calling for so long. Even when my father wanted me to take over the ranch, I knew that was never going to happen. That is one thing Chuck and I have in common. We both had dreams that did not coincide with the dreams that our parents had for us."
"I think Chuck's dream was a bit safer of the two," Lillian commented.
"Yeah, it was. See that is the thing though. When I was fifteen, helping my father with the ranch, helping my mom with her chickens, and sitting beside her at the piano at night while dreaming of being old enough to join the Mounties, I did not see the danger. All I saw was adventure. A way to see the places outside of my little area and to make my life mean something by making a difference. Like most teenagers probably do, I saw myself as invincible. Tragic things were something that simply happens to the other guy."
"Until they don't," Lillian commented, thinking of the bridge accident that had claimed Matthew Stewart's life and changed so many lives.
"Until they don't," Gabriel agreed. "I thought that almost dying after being shot was the worst thing I could ever go through. Then there was being held at gunpoint by Trenton and knowing that the only way I could keep you and the others safe was to keep him focused on me. In a lot of ways, recovering from those injuries were more painful than recovering from the bullet wound. I never once thought about resigning during all of that. Yet being held out there in that cabin, unable to do anything to protect myself . . ."
Gabriel left his voice trail off again. Lillian gave the hand she clasped a reassuring squeeze but did not press him. Gabriel needed to get this out in his own time and Lillian did not care how late they sat up together.
"Lillian, there were times that I thought I was going to die out there all alone. The being alone is what scared me the most because I knew exactly how you and Billy would feel if I did die. Not that you would have really been alone. You would have had Grace and Eleanor and Nathan and Elizabeth had already agreed to take Billy but you both would have felt alone for awhile. I did not want to be the one responsible for causing that."
"Gabriel, you would not have been responsible for that, you understand that, right?" Lillian asked, shifting so that she could look up at him.
Like she had been herself, Gabriel was staring into the fire. When he did not answer her question, Lillian let go of his hand and reached up to place a hand on his cheek. Tenderly, she turned his head so that she could look into his eyes.
"I understand and accept that aspects of your job are not safe. I also know that you do everything you can to keep you and anyone else involved safe. Like allowing yourself to be tied to the chair because Trenton had a gun pointed at Grace. This last time there were more of them than you. Cooperating with them gave you the best chance of survival so that is what you did. I know you will always do what you can to come back to me. If one day the worse happens and you do not, it will not be your fault. Please do not take responsibility for things that are out of your control."
Gabriel closed his eyes, and swallowed hard as he nodded. Though she knew that actually doing what she asked would be harder than the promise, Lillian was just glad that he had accepted her words without argument. It was a step in the right direction and the most she could ask for right now.
Lillian waited patiently for Gabriel to process what was being said. She knew if the silence went on for too long she would gently prompt a continuation of the conversation but she did not want to rush him.
"Out there in the cabin, I was just tired of being a target. At potentially making the people, I love a target. I wanted to just give up and walk way, which is completely not the type of person I am. My father raised me to believe in following through on your commitments. Of seeing something through to the end, even if the result is not successful. However, I felt tired and scared. But Nathan was right out there in the woods. I was not in the right place to make that choice. Part of me still does just want to walk away. To let others do this job. Not that I have any desire to do anything else. The other part of me knows that I can still make a difference. That I would lose a part of me by letting myself be forced to resign. That in a way, the criminals would win. It was easier for me to focus on our wedding than trying to deal with those conflicting emotions."
Gabriel took a deep breath.
"Lillian, I do not want you to have any reason to be disappointed into me or to think I am weak, because you are one of the strongest people I know. Not everyone could open their heart and home to orphans, knowing that a piece of their heart will go with them when they leave but you do that. You do it without ever complaining. Without the expectation that anyone would ever share that burden with you. I want to be worthy to share that burden with you. I want you to know that you can depend on me."
"I do know that, Gabriel. Nothing will change that. Even the strongest of people need the support of their loved ones at times. You are allowed to be human. You can lean on me when you need to because I know I will be able to lean on you when I need to. You have already shown me that."
A look of relief came across Gabriel's face.
"Thank you, Lillian," Gabriel said. "My heart knew that but I think I really needed to hear it said out loud."
"As for your job, I want you to do what you need to do for yourself. If you feel like you need to go back, even if it is so that you can feel like you are walking away are your own terms, then do it. Know though, that I will not think any less of you if you choose not to return to duty. All I want is to be your wife and for you to follow your calling."
Gabriel nodded. "Nathan suggested I return to duty and see how things go. Perhaps wait to see if the promotion comes along. Running an office, even with a long commute occasionally, would be less dangerous than regular patrol."
"I think that sounds like a very wise idea," Lillian said. "Definitely something to consider while we go through with the wedding. You are still on leave for the next couple of weeks. We can discuss this whenever you want. You can change your mind as many times as you want, and I will still always be in your corner."
"I love you, Lillian," Gabriel whispered. "Have I told you that lately?"
"You have," Lillian told him. "I will never get tired of hearing it though," she replied, sitting up more so that she could press her lips against his.
Lillian felt a hunger in Gabriel's kiss this time, which normally was not there. His kisses were usually passionate but tender. However, feeling his need, Lillian returned the urgent kiss with her whole heart, her hand finding its way to the back of Gabriel's head.
So lost were they in their feelings for one another that Lillian and Gabriel did not even notice Nathan's quiet crossing of the doorway on his way upstairs to check on his kids to put his wife's mind at ease.
Given Carson's precautions to Elizabeth about resting more if she felt tired, Lillian, Abigail and Rosemary quickly conspired to spend the next couple of days at the Grants' home while making their plans. Though Abigail was hesitant about taking that much time away from the café, Rachel assured her that with the help the second waitress that Abigail had hired the café would be just fine without her for a few days. Lee had Clara help him gather flowers and materials at the dress shop and soon had it out at the Grants. Elizabeth had to admit it was nice to have company other than her three-year-old son and Billy did a wonderful job of keeping Jack occupied and out from under foot when the little boy was awake. Lillian shared with Rosemary that Grace was going to wear a dark green dress. Rosemary promised to have Dottie send dresses from her shop as well as going through the stock at the dress shop in Hope Valley. Rosemary suggested using peach for a second color for contrast, finding samples of both colors in the ribbon selection. Lillian and Elizabeth both liked the combination, and with that decision made, flowers and other decoration plans for the wedding were discussed using dark green, peach, silver and white.
Meanwhile, Gabriel had gone into town with Nathan. Though Lucas had located the arch, there were things that needed to be moved to get to it. While Nathan did rounds, Gabriel and Lucas started the process together. An issue with the oil business soon drew Lucas from the task as well. Gabriel was still trying to make his way to the arch when Nathan came back from rounds.
"Would you like some help there, sir?" Nathan asked with fake formality.
"Of course not," Gabriel replied. "Moving a hundred boxes all by myself is exactly how I want to spend my leave time."
Nathan leaned against the wall of the storeroom and crossed his arm. "You could just leave it there," he commented.
"Lillian suddenly has her heart set on using the arch," Gabriel said. "She is not sure exactly how she wants to use it, mind you, but she wants to use it."
Nathan smiled. "When did that conversation take place?"
"Before we went to bed last night," Gabriel replied, picking up another box and moving it to the stack he was making against the far wall.
"What time did the two of you finally make it to your rooms last night?" Nathan asked, teasingly.
Gabriel put the box on top of the stack and turned to find his friend smirking.
"Were you spying on us?" Gabriel asked.
"All I was doing was walking around my house," Nathan said holding up his hands in defense though he still wore an amused smirk. "Is it my fault that you two were so intently kissing that you did not notice me?"
"I am surprised you did not ask me if we used separate bedrooms," Gabriel replied, trying to sound annoyed and failing.
"Lillian is too respectful for that to even be a possibility," Nathan told him.
"Lillian is, huh?" Gabriel replied. "Are you going to help me or mock me?" Gabriel asked.
"Can I do both?" Nathan teased though he did push off from his spot on the wall and started helping Gabriel. By the time Lucas returned, the arch had been wrestled from its spot behind everything in the storeroom and moved into the main room of the saloon against one wall. After examining it, Nathan determined that it needed only a minor fix and a new coat of paint.
That evening, Abigail, Cody Lucas and Fiona joined them for dinner. As Gustav was helping with the food, the man had come out with Lucas and Fiona. Bill was taking care of the wedding cake while Abigail and Gustav would handle the rest of the food between them. By the end of the meal, the menu had been set. Lillian and Gabriel made plans to meet up with Fiona at the Queen of Hearts on Friday evening to discuss how they would use the venue, everyone agreeing that it would be easier to make plans while actually seeing the room it would take place in.
While that dinner was taking place in Hope Valley, in Brookfield, Pearl was helping Joe with some final touches with a surprise for Maggie. Joe had wanted to have a special dinner but did not want to invite her to the hotel. He wanted a little more privacy than that. Though his food was edible, Joe knew his culinary skills were adequate at best. That was where Pearl came in.
The bakery owner had closed her bakery a little early that afternoon. Packing up what she thought she needed to cook chicken cordon bleu over at Joe's along with some decorations to spruce up his place, Pearl walked the short distance to Joe's store. Grateful for her assistance, Joe took the crate she was carrying things in and led her upstairs to the apartment above the store.
"I really appreciate your help with this, Pearl," Joe said.
Pearl waved her hand. "I am happy to help. I like Maggie and I like you, Joe. I am glad you are open to a possible relationship again. You are a nice guy, who deserves to be happy."
Joe nodded. He was starting to get use to hearing that sentiment from people. He was even starting to believe it, though sometimes he still had his doubts.
"Were you able to get everything on my list?" Pearl asked, sensing Joe's uneasiness with her words and forging on.
"I was," Joe replied.
Reaching the landing, Joe opened the door to the apartment. Stepping inside, he stepped aside, using his foot to hold the door for Pearl while still holding the box.
"I still do not have a whole lot of personal items after the fire," Joe said apologetically as Pearl stepped into his sparsely furnished apartment. Even the furniture he did have, was all second hand. He had not seen the point of spending a lot of money on furnishings when he barely even had guests over. When he did, that guest was usually Gabe, who did not care what the place looked like. "Maybe this is a bad idea," he said, starting to realize how his place must look like through a woman's eyes. "Perhaps I should just take Maggie to the hotel after all," he told her though he knew he could never bring himself to have the conversation he had planned in the hotel dinning room.
"Nonsense," Pearl told him. "It is the company that Maggie is going to find important," she assured Joe as she surveyed the room. "Besides, with the things in that box, this place will look better in no time."
Joe nodded as he walked over to the counter that separated the kitchen and living areas of the apartment. He placed the crate there as Pearl continued.
"At least you keep a clean house. Given what I have seen with other bachelors, I thought I was going to have to start with cleaning. I have some cushions for the chairs, it will not matter that the table top is banged up after I put a table cloth over it. I brought a sheet that I can use to cover the settee and a few decorative pieces just to add some color."
"Whatever you think is best," Joe told her, clearly feeling a little out of place. "Do you need me for anything else?"
Pearl walked over to him and patted Joe's shoulder. "Just go back to your store. I will have everything ready and be out of the way by the time Maggie arrives," she assured him.
"Thank you," Joe said again. "I am right downstairs if you need me for anything."
"All right," Pearl said. "Now shoo," she said motioning to the door. "Let me work my magic."
Chuckling, Joe headed downstairs. With Pearl on the job there was apparently no backing out now.