Rousing from the oblivion of sleep, Lillian felt the comforting warmth of Gabriel's body against hers and the weight of his arm around her. In the short time she had become a wife, Lillian had grown accustomed to her husband's shoulder being her pillow more often than not. More than anything, the idea of sharing a bed had caused her more trepidation than any other changes that marriage would make in her life, having never had to share a bed with anyone. Ironically, it was probably the change that she enjoyed the most.
Eyes still closed, she listened for Gabriel's even, reassuring breathing. Though she did distinguish the sound of her husband's breathing, it was not the slow, even breaths of sleep. Nor was it the quick, short breaths like when he'd had the nightmare or the panic of this afternoon.
"Have you been able to fall asleep?" Lillian asked, her concern bringing her further out of the haze of sleep.
"No," Gabriel admitted. "I am sorry if I woke you up."
"You did not wake me up," Lillian assured him. "Though now that I am awake, is there anything I can do to help you. Do you want to talk about what is keeping you awake perhaps?"
"I would tell you what was keeping me awake, if I knew," Gabriel told her. "There is nothing specific on my mind but I just cannot seem to fall asleep."
"Are you sure it is not a lingering affect from this afternoon?" Lillian ventured.
Lillian had sat comfortably in Gabriel's arms for quite awhile after his panic attack. Her only movement had been the rhythmic stroking of his hair. It wasn't that she hadn't wanted to talk but that she had not known what to say. Especially after Gabriel had asked to simply hold her. So that was what, she had let him do. Gabriel had not offered any further explanation after that request, though his quick, rapid breaths had slowed.
When Gabriel had kissed her, Lillian had briefly thought about suggesting that perhaps continuing where they had left off might not be such a good idea. However, Gabriel's kiss had been soft and tentative. She had not gotten the feeling that he was trying to avoid dealing with other emotions through his actions. She had responded with the same gentle passion.
Like that first morning after their wedding, when they had come together for the first time, their love making had been gentle and sweet. Lillian got the feeling that Gabriel was still seeking comfort from her, and she was willing to provide that comfort in any way that he was seeking it. She was careful with her actions, wanting to avoid making Gabriel feel restrained in any way. Afterwards, they had simply laid in each other's arms until finally they got up, dressed, and headed downstairs to start dinner before the children had come home. They had not gotten far in the dinner preparations when Grace and the children had come home, meaning that any private conversation would need to wait.
Lillian hoped that perhaps that conversation could take place now, though she did not plan on pushing Gabriel too hard to open up. She knew Gabriel would speak when he was ready and she did not care if that was tonight or a week from now. All Lillian wanted was to make sure he knew she had her support.
"I am not afraid to close my eyes in fear of those memories coming back," Gabriel told her. "Those nightmares are getting less frequent and today was different from the nightmare. My nightmare always involved Randy trying to kill both me and Walter. I truly believe the man capable of killing someone without remorse. This afternoon was different. This afternoon, it was just the panic of feeling restrained. The emotions of being tied up and powerless to free myself seemed real again."
"I am sorry."
With the arm Lillian wasn't using as a pillow, Gabriel reached up and placed a hand gently on her cheek. "You have nothing to apologize for. You could not have known the jacket would be enough to trigger that reaction. I was not even aware of it but that tends to be how these situations work. Until the trigger happens, you cannot anticipate your reaction. I wish I could promise you that it would not happen again, or that there would be nothing else that might trigger a similar reaction, but I cannot, Lillian. I'm-"
"Do not apologize for that," Lillian told him quickly. "I am sure there will be instances in the future where I will expect an apology from you, but do not apologize for something that you cannot control. Now that we are aware of the situation, I will be more careful."
"I have no doubt that you will be," Gabriel assured her, placing a kiss on her nose.
Lillian smiled. Leave it to Gabriel to be trying to reassure her when she was the one that should be reassuring him. Or perhaps they really should just be reassuring each other. After all, they had joined their lives together. What affected Gabriel, affected her and vice versa.
There had been something in Gabriel's words that had caught Lillian's attention.
"You sound as if you have dealt with this sort of thing before," Lillian commented, purposely leaving the topic open to a simple yes or not or allow Gabriel to go into more detail. She hoped for the latter. Giving what Gabriel had gone through right before their wedding, Lillian had known there would be issues to work through. The aftermath of Trenton's actions here at the orphanage last fall was enough to tell her that. She knew she was better positioned to be a source of strength and support for Gabriel as his wife than she would have been as his fiance.
"I have," Gabriel told her. "When I woke up in the hospital after being shot, I found that loud noises would cause panic attacks. Along with the physical healing, they had me having long talks with the hospital's psychologist. By the time I was well enough to be out of the hospital and doing physical therapy, I still jumped at gunshots or sounds similar but the panic attacks had passed. Or so I thought. Nothing had prepared me for my reaction to firing a gun for the first time. I was at the practice range with the sergeant that ran the gun range. I remember pressing the trigger and then the next thing I really remember was opening my eyes, flat on my back with about five other Mounties, the sergeant included, gathered around me. A panic attack had started the moment the gun went off. The sergeant said he had to pry the gun out of my grip, and though he had tried talking to me, the panic attack caused me to hyperventilate to the point where I passed out. I had already been offered a permanent desk job in Union City that I had said I was not interested in. After that incident, the brass insisted harder that I take the desk job, which made me even more resolved in not going that route. I was determined to get over the anxiety and come back to Brookfield."
"I would like to scold you for the stubborn pride that led to that action, but if you had not reacted that way, we might never have met," Lillian commented.
"Now that would have been a shame," Gabriel commented. "I find it hard to imagine my life without you."
"That goes both ways," Lillian replied. "So, how did you get over the anxiety attacks so that you could return to duty?" she asked.
"I simply kept exposing myself to the sound of gunfire. First at a distance. If I did not have a panic attack at one distance, then I moved closer and closer until eventually I was able to be on the firing range without even the threat of a panic attack. I had a couple more panic attacks the first few times I tried to firing the gun, though at least I did not black out again. Eventually, I was able to complete the marksmanship qualification and return to field duty. I may need to find a way to do something similar this time."
Lillian felt a bit of fear creep up of her own at the thought of what those words might actually mean. "You don't mean you would actually purposely have someone tie you up?"
"Someone that I trusted, yes, possibly. Experiencing that feeling until it does not cause a panic attack might be the only way to get past this. If I can't get past it, then it might be time to resign, Lillian. There is no guarantee that I will not face another situation like I did with Trenton or with Charlie's gang. If I do, I need to be able to remain calm. A panic attack in that situation could be disastrous."
Lillian could see his point. What if Gabriel had panicked when she had been forced to tie him to the chair? It could have been enough to cause Jack to pull the trigger and kill Grace. To maybe kill all three of them.
"I'll help," Lillian volunteered, wondering if she could really carry through with it.
"No," Gabriel replied. The one word was quick and said with conviction. The words following it were softer. "Lillian, I haven't forgotten how hard it was on you when Trenton forced you to tie me to that chair. That you blamed yourself for the injuries I received. I know that this afternoon bothered you. I can't promise you that I will never have another panic attack in your presence but I do know that I do not want to put you in a situation where it is likely."
"I want to help you through this."
"I know you do and you are. You let me hold you this afternoon. That was a great comfort to me. Being able to confide in you right now is also a big help. However, I also need to protect you from what I can."
"I am relieved you feel that way," Lillian admitted. "I am not sure I would be able to go through with it."
"There is no shame in that," Gabriel told her. Lifting his head from the pillow, he let his lips find hers in the darkness. The kiss was brief, but exactly what they both needed in that moment. A sweet promise that they would face things together.
"I am going to ride to Clearwater tomorrow," Gabriel told her, as he settled his head back against his pillow, and Lillian settled her head against his shoulder.
"What for?"
"This incident may have happened off duty, but I think I would be remiss if I did not report it to my superiors. Even if that means they relieve me of duty. I just have to figure out how to do so in a way that will not make you feel embarrassed."
"I am not embarrassed about showing my husband how much I love him. I also do not think your superiors are going to make us the topic of Clearwater gossip if you just tell them what happened."
"I do trust them in that respect," Gabriel told her. "I still plan on given them as little details as possible. Actually, I was thinking I might call Patrick and tell him what was going on and follow his advice. I trust him as much as I trust Nathan."
"That sounds like a good idea," Lillian said, having seen the closeness between Gabriel and the Super Intendant during O'Reilly's brief stay in Brookfield. "However, the only way you are riding to Clearwater tomorrow is if you manage to get some sleep."
Gabriel chuckled. "I will do my best."
"Do you want company on that ride tomorrow?" Lillian asked.
"I thought you said Lucas had sent a telegram wanting to see you and Grace tomorrow when he gets to town."
"He did. I am sure Grace can handle it though," Lillian said. Given the conversation she'd had with Lucas in Hope Valley she had a feeling Lucas and Fiona were coming to talk about Mary Louise. The fact that he wanted to talk before the children got out of school only further reinforced that idea with her.
"No," Gabriel told her. "If he wants to talk to you and Grace, I am thinking it has something to do with one of the children. You should be a part of that discussion. The ride will be lonely without you, but I will be fine going alone."
"If you are sure."
"I am," Gabriel told her.
"You still need to get some sleep," Lillian insisted.
"We both should," Gabriel replied. "Goodnight, Lillian," he said before placing a kiss tenderly on the top of her head, as he took one of her hands in his.
"Goodnight," Lillian replied, grasping the hand he held as their joined hands rested on Gabriel's stomach.
Though Lillian closed her eyes, she had no intention of falling asleep right away. Instead, her ears found the sound of Gabriel's breathing. It was only after it had finally evened out, indicating her husband had drifted off to sleep did Lillian let herself drift off.
Leaving the rest of their little caravan, consisting of the Coulters in their car and three wagons containing building materials and men to work on the projects here in Brookfield, in front of the Royal Brookfield, Lucas drove his car out to the New Hope Orphanage. Lucas had not told Lee why they were coming to Brookfield, but he had seen the advantage of traveling with the group though he could have made better time on his own. If anything had gone wrong, he would have had help.
Driving past the sign, Fiona reached out for his right hand which was not currently on the steering wheel.
"Lucas, what if I end up being a horrible mother?" Fiona asked. "I do not know anything about how to raise a child, let alone a child with a traumatic past. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I make her cry?"
Lucas gave Fiona's hand a squeeze. "We are in this together. We can still change our minds if you are not sure about this," he told her as he pulled the car to a stop, in front of the orphanage. Turning the car off he turned to face his wife.
"You are sure though, right?" Fiona asked.
"I am sure I want to give that little girl a home and a family if that is what she wants," Lucas said. "How that is going to look or how good of a father I am going to be, is a bit more uncertain. However, with you by my side, we can find our way through the storms and there will be storms. Nathan has assured me of that."
"You talked to Nathan about this?"
Lucas nodded. "I felt nervous. I had the same questions you just asked. Well except for the concern about being a horrible mother. That is one thing I don't need to worry about."
Fiona laughed.
"Nathan seemed like the perfect person to talk to. After all, Ally was four when he started raising her and he did it on his own. Along with sharing some 'war' stories with me, he also related the advice his mother had given him when he said he did not know the first thing about being a parent. She told him that no new parent knows what they are doing the moment they become a parent. That parenting is a lot of trial and error and the only thing you really need to know how to do at the beginning is to love the child. I can find room in my heart to love Mary Louise, just like I love you, Fiona. Do you think you can love a child, Fiona?"
Fiona nodded her head, yes.
"Then I think the rest will work itself out."
Fiona nodded again as Lucas got out of the car. Making his way around to the passenger side, he opened the door and offered Fiona his hand. Both Lillian and Grace had come out on the porch to greet their guests.
"Is something going on in town?" Lillian asked after greetings had been exchanged. Even from this distance the extra wagons and people could be seen.
"That would be Lee, the work crew, and the materials for the addition and a new house," Lucas told them.
"Sofia said she expected to get started this week if the weather held," Lillian commented thinking of their last discussion with their architect.
"I think the plans are to start work tomorrow. Lee said he and Rosemary would be out to see you after he got everyone settled at the hotel."
"Wonderful," Lillian said. "However, the two of you should come inside. We have some refreshments ready for you after your trip and you can tell us what you came to discuss," she said as she began to lead the group inside.
"Are you thinking about adoption?" Grace asked, excitedly. Though she missed the children when they left, she was always excited about the prospect of one of the children finding a permanent home. A joy that she had never experienced as a child.
"Grace," Lillian admonished.
"Well, there is no reason not to get right to the point," Grace replied, even as she reached out to help Fiona with her coat.
"Your sister makes a good point," Lucas told Lillian as he handed her his own coat.
The two sisters hung up the coats for their guests.
"We did come to discuss adoption," Lucas told her. "We even have a child in mind already," he admitted.
"Mary Louise?" Lillian asked as she lead Lucas and Fiona to the dining room.
"Yes," Lucas admitted. "How did you know?"
Lillian smiled. "Our conversation after the rehearsal made me wonder," she admitted as the group found seats around the table. Eleanor had already brought out the coffee pot, tea pot, a pitcher of lemonade and some finger sandwiches and cookies. "How about we enjoy some refreshments and Grace and I will answer any questions you may have."
"That sounds like a good plan," Lucas replied, already pouring Fiona a cup of tea.