Hey guys, thanks to all the new readers, I'm glad people are enjoying this humble story.
The chapter's a bit 'slower' than other chaps, but it's worth it.
Here's chapter 13 "The Closest Thing To Family."
"What does it mean to have parents? A family?
I never really had parents myself. My father abandoned me. He left to chase after a ghost, and in many ways, he truly was a monster. And my mother? Well… my mom made her choice. And she didn't choose me.
In the tragedy that was my life, I did learn something. That your family doesn't have to be your blood. Family is the people in your life that won't abandon you. Those who will stand with you no matter what."
- the Broken Man
Author's note: This chapter begins during the events of Mari's flashback from chapter 10.
Roughly three years ago.
Night of the cafeteria incident with an 11-year-old Shinji Ikari.
"Shinji! What's wrong! Why did you-"
What's happening? He thought. It was pitch black, he could only hear things as if from very far away. And... and his body would not respond when he tried to move.
"What can I do? You have blood in your eyes! Shinji! Please, Shinji! Please come back! Come back to me!"
Blood in my eyes? Why would there be blood in my eyes? That voice... I... that's Mari's voice? Little Shinji thought.
He felt himself screaming. Screaming in agony. He was in so much pain... but something was odd. Like someone or something was holding him back, like an outside force was pushing his mind away so that he wouldn't get overwhelmed.
Except he could still feel his body moving. He could feel himself thrashing around wildly, but he didn't know where he was or what he was doing. He felt his hands pulling on his hair so hard that he thought he would rip it from his scalp.
Why was he screaming? Why was he in pain? And why didn't he feel any of it?
I took the pain for you. I can take it. I am... I am used to pain.
Gah?! No! I take my medicine! I do what Dr. Page tells me to do!
"Go away. You cannot help us."
Shinji felt his lips move as the words came from his mouth, but they weren't his. It was like someone else was speaking through him. Was he having another breakdown?
"Dummy, you got lost again! Just come back!" he heard Mari shouting.
Where am I? Why can't I see? Shinji thought.
"He's having a seizure! Strap him in! We're transferring him to a hospital. And someone call Dr. Page! She'll want to know ASAP!" he heard someone shouting. They sounded like an adult, maybe one of the nurses at the ward?
You need to sleep now. Stop questioning it. I will take the pain so that you do not have to. You will see things while you sleep. You can't look at them. Do not look at them. Do not remember. If you're not careful you will get hurt. This can kill you. Promise me you won't look.
I'm scared. I'm getting worse. I'm insane! Make it stop! Little Shinji thought.
He could feel himself being thrown onto a stretcher. Could feel someone, perhaps the ward staff, strapping him in.
Don't look. Sleep, Shinji. Just sleep. Close your eyes.
I want my mom... make it stop! Little Shinji thought. If he could cry, he would have. He was so scared and alone, why did he have to be this way. Why did he have to be insane?
You're not crazy.
I-
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
And Shinji knew no more.
…
The past.
Shinji's vision.
Images flashed through Shinji Ikari's mind. The 11-year-old boy kept his eyes closed, but that never worked. They came from inside his head. He just wanted it to stop. He wanted to look away.
He saw things he couldn't explain. Things he didn't want to understand. The images came in a blur, in no real order, and they made no sense.
Images of a city in ruins. Of a monster roaming an empty street. A dark shadow in a sea of red. He was in one place, and then he wasn't. Then he was gone, before he disappeared again and was somewhere else. His madness had returned.
There was a boy, a young adult really. No… he was the young adult, and he was walking with a red-headed woman about the same age. Her hand was in his and though he couldn't see her face, she was laughing. Another girl, a pale young woman with white blue hair, joined them linking her hand with his too.
Together the three of them walked with linked hands before stopping at a patch of farmland.
The two girls were talking to him, but he couldn't hear them. Little Shinji didn't want to hear them, he didn't want to see this. He was shaking his head, agreeing to something.
"Stupid Shinji," the redhead teased him.
She jabbed him in the chest laughing as he stumbled back laughing with her. The other pale girl chuckled softly and started jabbing him in the chest too, a small smile planted on her lips.
"Hey, no fair. Two against one!" he laughed, hands raised as the two girls jabbed at him.
But then Little Shinji was gone again.
There was a man, an older man, with hard lines on his face digging a grave under the sun. He was crying. Sobbing silently as he dug his shovel into the dirt again and again before breaking down and falling to his knees. He clutched a ring tightly in his hands...
Then the image changed and the man had grown a beard and was dressed in rags. The man walked away from a piece of desolate farmland with a cabin in the distance. A woman shouted at him.
The woman screamed, calling out to the man as he left her. Her voice was filled with anguish, harsh and guttural, and it made him wince.
"Screw you, Shinji! I loved you! I gave you everything!"
The man never looked back.
Stop. Stop. Stop! Make it stop! Little Shinji thought. Then he was gone again.
There was a new figure. The Woman in the Dark was looking at him. She reminded him of his mother.
I take my medicine! Make it stop... please... just stop! Little Shinji pleaded.
His mind was a whirlwind of fractured realities, all of them were pieces of a world that were not his, they collided and bled together forming a mosaic of moments without context. The madness that tormented him with no mercy. Emotions and thoughts that were his and yet not his threatened to overwhelm him. A flood of sensation that came crashing down around him even in his dreams.
There was no escape. Closing his eyes did nothing because the madness was something deeper inside of him.
You promised not to look. The thing in his head stirred. The voice had returned even here, wherever 'here' was.
The Woman in the Dark was smiling at him. She held out a hand for him to take, a lone figure amid the whirl of imagery that engulfed his senses. Always 'her', a constant that never faded once it had emerged.
Look away. I'll help you. The voice said.
Then the boy was gone... asleep. He wouldn't wake until more than a week had passed...
Two days after Mari was released from the ward.
"Ah..." Little Shinji Ikari gasped. The boy woke with a moan, he opened his mouth almost spitting as his facial muscles moved for the first time in several days, or at least that's what it felt like to him.
He blinked, breathing hard, as he realized he was laying down in a hospital bed. He was in another white room with an observation window on the side, he couldn't see what was on his side but experience had taught him that anyone on the other end could see him. There was a stand with an IV bag nearby with a wire leading back to his arm.
Little Shinji tried to sit up but felt his limbs being held in place.
"What?" he managed to stammer out in panic. Shinji looked down in horror to see that he was strapped to the bed.
All four of his limbs were locked in place, his arms and his legs were strapped down to the table. What had happened? Did he have another breakdown? A seizure?
Someone had been taking care of him. He was dressed in a white patient's gown that he didn't remember putting on.
He lay there unable to move for the longest twenty minutes of his young life until the door opened and another nurse dressed in white emerged. She walked into the room holding a clipboard not really paying attention.
"Hey? Uh, can you?" Shinji began. Finally! Someone was here! He could get out of the straps!
CLANG.
The nurse dropped her clipboard and jumped back, clearly startled, as she took in the sight of the 11-year-old boy looking up at her and actually talking.
"Hey? I- don't leave me like this? Please? I-" Shinji called as the nurse took off running. The woman left him there, tied down, even as she forgot to close the door.
Help? Shinji thought, struggling against the straps.
Sometime later the nurse returned... with Dr. Page carrying a briefcase. Of course, Page would be there. Together the two women entered the room.
"And I stepped in to check on him, and he poked his head up and spoke," the nurse was saying.
Liar. You didn't look up from your clipboard. If I didn't speak, you would've walked out again... stupid adults. Why do they have to lie? Shinji thought mildly annoyed.
"You can leave. Close the door behind you," Dr. Page told the nurse.
Shinji watched from his bindings as the nurse left them. The lady closed the door on her way out.
Dr. Page took a seat on his bed beside him. She did not move to undo the straps on his limbs.
"Hello, Shinji. You gave all of us quite the scare. How are you feeling?" Dr. Page asked, giving him another fake smile.
"I um- I feel tired. And sore. Um, Dr. Page can you... can you undo the straps?" Shinji said, looking up at her pleadingly.
"Not yet," Dr. Page told him calmly. She leaned in closer and Shinji flinched as she put a hand to his forehead.
"Did... did I have a breakdown again? Another seizure?" Shinji asked. He struggled to look at Page, he knew what she wanted.
"Yes. You were found in the cafeteria past curfew. You started screaming and the nurses found you mid-seizure. It was... bad. The reports say that you had blood in your eyes and started foaming at the mouth," Dr. Page answered calmly.
Shinji felt his lips trembling, he wasn't getting better. He shuddered and took a moment to breathe.
"I... was it that bad?" the boy asked in a small terrified voice.
"Probably the worse breakdown you've had so far. We don't know why. You've been more or less asleep for nine days. I ordered a few MRI's and we found plenty of activity so we knew you weren't brain dead. You were in a 'coma' of sorts. I was afraid you'd have another seizure and hurt yourself, so I ordered you strapped to the bed," Dr. Page said. She gave an apologetic look as she spoke, one that Shinji didn't think was real.
"Could that happened again?" Shinji said his voice shaking. He hated the seizures when they came, he'd gone over a year without one until now.
"I don't think so. But the MRI's showed unusual brain activity while you were... out. Tell me, Shinji, did you see anything? I suspect you did, the MRI makes me think so," Page said sweetly.
She's gonna make me draw again... Shinji thought. He fought the urge to groan. He knew there was no point in lying, Page watched his every move when they spoke. Watching for every reaction.
"I don't remember most of it. I try not to... it hurts," he said speaking in a low hurt voice.
The boy looked away.
"I want you to try," Dr. Page told him.
"I... I remember the Woman in the Dark. But I can't see her. And, flashes of things that don't make sense," Shinji said sadly.
Dr. Page smiled. She undid the straps on both his arms, letting him sit up and get more comfortable. Shinji noticed that Page did not remove the straps on his legs, however.
She won't let me leave until I draw for her! He thought bitterly.
Page brought her briefcase up. Opening it, she pulled out more paper and 'Shinji's favorite coloring pencils' despite the fact that he didn't own them, Page did.
He sadly took the paper and pencils trying to remember. Getting something in his head, he flinched at the pain from inside his skull. His head hurt whenever he tried to hold onto what he saw. Trying to remember made him feel like tiny blades were cutting through his brain tissue...
Dr. Page watched him as he drew with the coloring pencils. He struggled to breathe as he moved his hand across the paper, blood began to drip down his nose, yet Page wouldn't let him leave until he gave her something. When he finished, he shuddered and gave her the drawing.
Page took it and handed him a tissue paper.
Shinji wiped the blood off his face, breathing softly. Page undid the straps from his legs saying, "there is a private restroom in the corner of this room. The door does not lock, but it does close. We value your privacy."
"Thanks," Shinji said awkwardly.
"Of course. I will send some food for you, and we can see about getting you back to the ward as soon as possible."
Back to the ward. Yeah, sigh. Hope Mari isn't too worried about me, Shinji thought as Page got off his bed.
His doctor said goodbye and left him to 'his' room.
...
An hour or so later. Dr. Page stood on the other end of the Observation Window of Shinji's room. She stood with Gendo Ikari himself at her side, on the other end of the two-way mirror. Together, both of them could watch the boy without him knowing.
"He is... healthy?" Gendo asked. The man was dressed in his usual Nerv attire, gloved hands crossed behind his back. He watched the 11-year-old Shinji Ikari sitting on his bed listening to music on the SDAT player that Page had returned to him. The boy had finished his food and had been told to wait.
"I believe so. His brain activity has returned to a 'normal for him' state. As usual, he has trouble remembering what he saw. His visions are often too fast for him to process. And the pain creates a barrier, he does not want to remember. Regardless, he managed to draw this," Dr. Page said.
She held up Shinji's drawing.
Gendo took the picture wordlessly and glanced down to look at it.
The inside of a volcano. With a shadowy figure in the magma? Gendo thought as he examined the drawing.
Gendo Ikari handed the paper back to Page and looked through the observation window at the lonely little boy on the other side, his son. There was no emotion on his face, none that even Dr. Page could see.
Page watched the man curiously. She had been instructed to never mention Gendo's presence when he visited.
"Would you like to see him? I can tell him that you were worried about him?" Dr. Page asked studying Gendo.
"No. It is better for both of us if we have as little contact as possible," Gendo said.
The man turned from the observation window, turned his back on his son, and left with Dr. Page trailing after him. She would follow the rules; she would not tell Shinji that his father had been here.
…
A day later, when young Shinji returned to the ward personally escorted by Dr. Page herself, he looked for his first and only friend. But Shinji couldn't find her upon his return. He looked for Mari everywhere but she was nowhere to be seen.
He looked for her in the cafeteria the next day but couldn't find her, he looked all over the ward but he couldn't find her. He asked the staff and they avoided his eyes telling him that Mari had been released. She was there and gone just like that. He hadn't even been able to say goodbye.
Little Shinji had sat alone in his private room trying not to cry for days.
The present-day.
Nerv HQ.
Shinji and Asuka walked along the surface of the Geofront in their Eva Units. The military had been 'kind' enough to transport them, Misato, Ritsuko, and the Nerv staff back to their base.
"Opening launch pads. Climb down, heroes," Misato called into their ears via the comm. The pilots' temporary guardian had a smirk planted on her face. She and the others had already returned to Nerv, but Shinji and Asuka had still needed to get the Evas back into the hangar. It was faster if they just piloted them back in.
Shinji and Asuka found a crowd of Nerv staff as well as Eva Team Two waiting for them when they descend.
"Releasing entry plugs," Misato called into the comm, stepping onto the grounds herself along with Ritsuko.
Minutes later, Shinji and Asuka both walked down the hangar in their plugsuits, Eva Units safely locked in alongside the others.
"Look at you!" Misato cheered.
Some of the gathered crowd of staff applauded them.
Why are they clapping? Shinji thought awkwardly as he walked down with Asuka.
"Some of us didn't get far enough when they dropped the N2 mine. You guys really saved our asses," Aoba said clamping Shinji on the arm.
The technician... Ritsuko's assistant? Yeah, that's him, Shinji thought. He watched the man walk off more confused than anything else, but in a good way.
Then more people from Nerv started thanking him for what he did, for stopping the bomb and killing the Angel. Shinji didn't know what to do. He felt awkward, he hadn't expected this.
"Asuka killed the Angel," Shinji said slowly. He wasn't used to having a crowd of people around him, even when they were praising him. He didn't like it.
"Of course I did!" Asuka said smirking at the praise they'd gotten.
"Yeah, yeah, we read the reports. Well done, princess."
Mari appeared pushing through the crowd still in her plugsuit.
"Was there ever any doubt?" Asuka said smirking at her old rival. Mari returned the smirk. Now they both had an Angel kill. They'd debated this earlier, and had decided that Asuka and Shinji's dance plan attack didn't count.
More Nerv staff that were at Mount Asama thanked him, but Shinji waved them off.
"Asuka killed the Angel, not me," he explained repeatedly.
He did his best to avoid the crowd, he was grateful but he just didn't know how to act in a situation like this. And besides, the German girl seemed to be enjoying the spotlight and even Misato patted her on the back.
That's fine. I don't want it and she deserves it.
Shinji watched and he noticed that Asuka smiled at the attention.
"I am glad you are unhurt," a quiet voice said suddenly.
Shinji flinched back as Rei emerged behind him, having made her way through the crowd, still wearing her plugsuit just as Mari was.
"Rei? Man, it was pretty scary there," Shinji said turning to face her only to frown as he saw her.
She had that same emotionless deadpan look on her face, the one she'd had during their first days together. But Shinji knew her better now, she was hiding under a mask of calm. She was sad. Why the hell was she sad?
I don't understand girls... one day she's mad at me and now this. Damn it. I miss my friend.
When did his life get so complicated?
"I was... concerned for you," Rei said almost awkwardly. She seemed to struggle with what she really wanted to say.
"I... I was worried about you too," Shinji said just as awkwardly.
Rei blinked at him.
"I was in no danger. We were on standby while Eva Team One engaged the Angel," the girl said. She tilted her head at him but said nothing further.
Huh. She's got a point, Shinji thought. He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck, he'd just said the first thing that came to mind. She probably thought he was weird now, but then again maybe not.
"Rei, um. Can we talk? Somewhere privately?" Shinji said clumsily, almost stumbling over the words.
She gave him that same deadpan look again, the one that meant she was thinking things over. She opened her mouth to speak saying "I- "
"Shinji!" Mari called. The older teen slammed into his side and wrapped him in an embrace.
"Ah! Mari! What? Ha!" Shinji laughed as the two of them nearly fell over.
"Hey, dummy. I hear you stopped an N2 mine. And I thought I was the badass here," Mari said wrapping an arm around his side. She was taller than him and he struggled to regain balance, but his friend didn't let them fall.
Shinji laughed saying, "don't worry, you're still way cooler than me."
"Aww. That's so sweet, you're gonna make me cry," Mari teased pretending to wipe away imaginary tears.
"Things got pretty hectic there. I wasn't sure I could stop it at the time," Shinji said honestly. He winced at the memory, at the sheer rush of calling upon that power and the moment that he'd gone somewhere else. The Old Man... and the hand that had grabbed him.
He was brought out of his thoughts when Mari squeezed his arm affectionately. She always seemed to know when he was getting lost in his own head, ever since they were kids.
"Don't say things like that. Now come on, you have to tell me all about it," Mari said.
You're doing it again. You've forgotten something. Someone. The voice rasped.
Shinji blinked as Mari asked him questions about the fight.
Forgetting something... I... Rei! Shinji thought. He'd just been talking to Rei! Quickly, Shinji turned to look for her. But the girl was gone, she must have walked off when he was talking with Mari.
"Rei..." Shinji whispered sadly.
He felt a hand pat him lightly across the cheek.
"Huh?" Shinji asked completely taken aback. Mari was laughing at him.
"Dummy, I was asking you a question. You didn't hear a word I said, did you?" Mari said shaking her head at him.
"Sorry, I was looking for Rei. She was mad at me earlier, but now I don't know how she feels," Shinji said frowning.
"She walked off. She could have just waited her turn to talk to you. Honestly, if things are that complicated why do you want to talk to her?" Mari said smoothly.
"Because she's my friend," he said a little annoyed.
He looked around for Rei, but couldn't find her. He was surprised when Mari never responded, she was never this quiet. He turned back to her seeing her looking at him unblinkingly.
"Good answer, Shinji. Good answer," Mari said sounding oddly serious for once.
Shinji blinked, and for a moment there he thought Mari looked sad too but then it was gone.
Wait? Did Mari want me to say that Rei was my friend there? Did she want me to defend Rei? Or did she want me to leave Rei alone? Or... did Mari want to talk to me more than Rei? And did she get sad right now? Gah! Why is this so complicated! There's no answer! Girls say one thing but it could mean a million other things. It's not fair. It's like we're speaking different languages... Shinji thought.
You're learning. Girls are smarter than boys in that way.
Now, this too? Why does this happen to me? Shinji thought, groaning inwardly.
"Alright. That's enough now. I need to get those two home. Shinji, Asuka, you need to change back into your street clothes," Misato said suddenly. She had started dispersing the crowd, and calling for both her charges.
"Ahhh. Momma Misato ruins the fun again. We'll talk later, okay. I want to hear all about Mr. badass 'I can stop an N2 mine' Shinji Ikari," Mari said patting him on the back.
Misato appeared at his side, Asuka's hand in hers, and she took him by the hand too saying, "to your locker rooms. The sooner we get home the sooner we can sleep."
…
At the same time.
Gendo Ikari stood still and motionless as the lights turned off, engulfing the room in total darkness. A moment later, the projected images of stone monoliths encircled him.
SEELE.
"And who are you to call us!" one member said. The voice emerging from a stone avatar in a snarl.
"Silence," Keel said. And when that man spoke, all others listened.
"Thank you for answering the call. An issue has arisen," Gendo said. He kept his head low as he spoke. He gave SEELE nothing to work with. No body language to read at all. He stood still and stiff, eyes hidden behind tinted glasses, and gloved hands held behind his back.
"Explain," Keel said. His voice sounding impatient.
Gendo nodded.
"The JSSDF is upset about the most recent incident. The Third Child stopped one of their N2 mines-"
"Your child. Your freak," another SEELE member interrupted.
Gendo bared his teeth in a cold smile.
"Yes. Shinji stopped an N2 mine, he disobeyed orders to rescue his partner. I suspect the military is afraid that their beloved N2 weaponry has met its match. They're starting to see just how powerful the Evangelion Units really are."
"And the JSSDF is taking action," Keel said. Not a question but a statement.
Gendo nodded saying, "their Generals are requesting a tribunal, a hearing of sorts, to review the incident. The JSSDF has no real authority over Nerv, but we rely on their military forces for support and transportation. Sad that our organizations still squabble like children, but this is an issue."
"You are going along with this? You're not brushing them off?" Keel asked. His voice sounded amused as it came out from the projected image.
Gendo knew that unseen by any, the old man smirked at his position, at how he was forced to grovel before them. SEELE and their pride, it suited his needs to play on their egos.
"We have enough tensions between our organizations. I meant to appease them. They will want Shinji Ikari punished. They may demand that he, and perhaps the other pilots, be placed under their control. Or else no longer allowed to pilot. This interferes with our plans," Gendo said.
Keel seemed to consider that, not that Gendo could tell. Gendo stood still even as he felt the cold eyes of SEELE watching him, their projected images circled around him. Always looming over him, yet he never showed any fear.
"We will not allow the military to get the Eva Units, or the pilots, under their control. We will not let it come to that. Go then, Gendo Ikari. Put on a show for them, cooperate with them. Let them have their hearing, defend your organization as expected. They will not interfere with our plans. They will settle for less and they will continue aiding Nerv," Keel said. His voice was grim and stern. Dangerous.
"This is the part where you thank us," another SEELE member said coldly.
"Yes. Thank you," Gendo said simply. He bowed low.
Once again, he found that forgetting one's pride and ego was necessary whenever speaking with SEELE. And with that, the projected images dimmed before dying down and fading away. The lights turned back on and Gendo left the secret conference room.
Later.
Misato's Apartment.
Shinji Ikari sat on the bed inside his room. He stared at the single pill in the palm of his hand, he usually took one before bed to be safe.
Something had changed in that volcano. He didn't know what to feel about the thing in his head. He hated to admit it, but he was having second thoughts about his medicine. It seemed to be working less and less the longer he piloted, and he wasn't supposed to listen to the voice, but sometimes he had.
"Take your pills, Shinji," he muttered to himself quietly. He rose and hovered his medicine over the bottle that it came from thinking things over.
Shinji almost put the pill back in the bottle, but at the last minute, he changed his mind. He swallowed it. He went to bed, wishing his life hadn't gotten so complicated. Minutes later, Shinji thankfully found sleep.
...
However, the Other Shinji stirred.
His eyes opened and the Other rose from the bed. Carefully, he left the room and walked quietly through the apartment in the dark.
Stepping into the bathroom, he closed the door behind him and turned on the lights. The Other Shinji stared at his reflection in the mirror, his eyes always did give him away.
"Sorry, boy," he said. The Other's voice was a low rasp.
The Other Shinji opened his mouth and reached two fingers inside, he pressed at the back of the throat and induced the boy's gag reflex. The Other Shinji vomited up the medicine that the boy had swallowed earlier, vomited it back up and into the toilet.
Sooner or later, the two of us will have to stop playing this game.
He flushed the toilet. Then he washed his hands in the sink, before turning off the light and leaving. He grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and drank it to wash the taste of vomit out of his mouth. He didn't want the boy noticing anything strange in the morning.
Walking to the apartment balcony, the Other Shinji took a long deep breath. Breathing in the night air he closed his eyes, raised his hand up, and reached out with his senses. He tried to check whenever he could, and when it was safe.
I'm getting stronger. That's good. Took long enough, he thought.
The Other stepped back inside and returned the boy's body back to his bed.
The next day.
Less than one hour into the school day, Shinji and Asuka were pulled out of class by Misato. She wouldn't tell them why. Only explaining that they'd learn more once they got to Nerv.
"Any ideas?" Asuka whispered to him. That was still weird to him, Asuka talking to him without bossing him around all the time.
"Nope," Shinji said with a shrug.
They knew something was wrong when Misato drove like a normal person on her way to Nerv.
Once they reached the Geofront and entered Nerv HQ, Misato held Shinji's hand as they walked. Shinji didn't know why but Misato seemed anxious, and that made him nervous. Misato had tried to hold Asuka's hand too, but the German prodigy had flat out refused and snatched her hand back.
"Misato. What's wrong?" Shinji asked as they reached the conference room.
"It's... listen, no matter what happens I want you to know that I'm proud of what you did," Misato said turning back to him. Her eyes met his before all three of them entered to find Commander Gendo Ikari, his sub-commander Kozo Fuyutsuki, Kaji, and Ritsuko already gathered there.
"Kaji? What is all this?" Asuka asked glancing around at the gathered higher-ups.
"We'll explain. Asuka, take a seat. Shinji, you too," Misato said softly. She avoided their eyes as she spoke.
Asuka glanced at Shinji and he shrugged not knowing what else to do. Asuka rolled her eyes, and the two pilots took a seat before all the adults.
Shinji felt apprehensive about sitting before his father, they hadn't spoken since the first time he'd piloted Unit 01. Yet Gendo didn't look at him, Shinji was glad for that.
Fuyutsuki cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.
"While we can all agree that the incident on Mount Asama went about as well as it could, all things considered. There are those that disagree. The JSSDF is demanding a hearing considering the actions of the Third Child. That is to say, you... Shinji. They are requesting a psychological evaluation and they are demanding you answer to them," Fuyutsuki said calmly and clearly.
Silence filled the room. Misato hung her head. Kaji crossed his arms, and Ritsuko took a whiff of her cigarette.
A psych evaluation? If they- if they look into my past, they'll see I was a mental patient. If they drag Nerv into this... Misato... Misato will find out... Shinji thought, piecing things together quickly. He was in shock. He... he had tried so hard to keep that a secret for as long as possible.
Ritsuko was avoiding his gaze too. If that happened, everything would change. Everything changed when people knew his past.
"What?!"
It wasn't Shinji who shouted. It was Asuka.
"Those ungrateful idiots! We're the ones who killed the Angels when they failed!" Asuka shouted. The angry girl had jumped out of her seat fists clenched.
Kaji put a hand on her shoulder saying, "calm down. Get back in your chair."
Asuka scowled but did as Kaji told her.
"Wh- why? What did I do?" Shinji asked, stammering out the words. He looked to Misato for reassurance, not Gendo, but she still wouldn't look at him.
"You disobeyed orders," Gendo said suddenly.
All eyes turned to see the commander of Nerv himself moving to stand before his son. Gendo loomed over Shinji in his seat.
"You dived into the volcano when you shouldn't have. You risked both Eva Units, and you let the Angel get loose onto the surface. You stopped the military's attempt to contain the Angel. And you yourself said that Asuka killed the Angel and not you. They are very angry with you, and so am I."
Gendo said the words coldly and precisely, controlled frustration audible in his tone, speaking down to his son without hesitation.
Shinji flinched back as if struck. He slowly looked back up into his commander's eyes, both staring the other down. Father and son, yet neither truly knew the other. Once, that would have made Shinji sad or perhaps mad, but now? Now he didn't know what to feel.
Misato's hand clenched into fists. He knew that she didn't understand, that she couldn't believe a man would glare down at his child like that for trying to help. But Shinji was learning more and more just what kind of man his father was.
"Hey! Don't just sit there like that! Defend yourself. Your dad is a prick," Asuka said, scowling from her seat. Kaji kept a hand on her shoulder to stop her outbursts.
"Be quiet, girl," Gendo said never taking his eyes off of Shinji.
Fuyutsuki cleared his throat.
Gendo did not yield, and Shinji looked away feeling small and timid.
"Sir. Perhaps we should continue?" Fuyutsuki said, doing his best to sound polite.
Gendo considered that before he backed off, walking back to the corner of the room beside Ritsuko.
The sub-commander continued and Ritsuko glanced at Gendo not sure what to say, she knew he was cold, but that was... she didn't know what that was.
"The military is fast-tracking this. The hearing is in two days. Asuka, you will be present to tell your side of the story. Shinji, you will have a chance to defend yourself. No matter what they say, they do not have direct power over any of you. But we need them, so we are working with them on this," Fuyutsuki said.
Shinji only stared blankly at his hands. He nodded wordlessly to let the adults know he had heard them.
"I'll be with you every step of the way. I'll take you there and I'll be by your side the whole time," Misato said stepping forward and wrapping an arm protectively around Shinji.
That's what I'm afraid of. I always knew this day would come... I only wished I had more time.
"You won't be alone. I'll be right there with you," Misato whispered into Shinji's ear reassuringly. She was trying to help and that only made Shinji feel worse.
He nodded, his lips trembling, but he never looked up. He ran away, he disappeared into this shell of his. Hiding away from the outside world, and looking at his hands. Silent. Funny, was that how Rei had once been?
"No, Captain Katsuragi, you will not."
Misato and Asuka looked up at the Nerv Commander.
"What?" Misato asked not believing the words.
"You will not be taking Shinji to the hearing. I will personally escort him to and from there. I will be beside him during the proceedings. It is my duty as Commander and Director of Nerv," Gendo said plainly.
Misato rose.
"You are a busy man. I request permission to escort Shinji to the hearing and-"
"That request is denied," Gendo said interrupting before she could finish.
"You?" Misato stammered. Shinji winced as he heard the word 'asshole' on the tip of her tongue. Ritsuko moved to Misato's side whispering to her that 'it would be okay.'
"Dr. Akagi. Captain Katsuragi. The two of you will be called upon to explain what happened. You will be allowed your say. That is all. This meeting is over," Gendo said.
Then without another word, Gendo Ikari turned and left the room, the door slamming shut on his way out. Fuyutsuki nodded politely at them, before taking his leave of them too.
"How are we letting them do this?! We're the ones who have to pilot. We're the ones who have to kill the damn Angels!" Asuka asked getting to her feet.
"Asuka, we need the military's support for our operations. Commander Ikari is doing this to appease them. It's not the end, they don't have direct authority over us," Kaji said.
Shinji tuned them out as they argued about what was happening. He was lost in his own thoughts. He had only tried to do the right thing. Misato was saying something at his side. Something about how she'd still be at the hearing, but he hardly paid attention.
Suddenly Asuka was in his face.
"Hey! Defend yourself! Don't let them walk all over you!" she screamed into his face.
Why is she mad? She's not the one in trouble? Shinji thought, blinking in surprise.
The German girl grabbed onto his shoulders and shook him.
Kaji grabbed Asuka and gently pulled her away.
"It'll be alright, kid," Kaji said glancing over at Shinji.
Shinji looked up at Kaji as he spoke, and he saw the way Kaji looked him up and down. He saw the nervous twitch in the man's eye and Shinji spotted it. The look.
Kaji knows. He already knows I was a mental patient. How? How did he find out?
That only made him feel worse.
Two days later.
Day of the hearing.
Shinji, Asuka, Misato, and oddly enough Pen Pen sat in silence at the breakfast table. In the past two days, Shinji hadn't been able to focus on school so Misato had pulled him out and Hikari had delivered his worksheets.
Asuka had spent the days until the hearing telling Shinji to 'man up' and not to 'be such a pushover.' She was being oddly supportive of him, and he wasn't sure why.
Toji and Kensuke had asked after him, but he hadn't been able to tell them much. Mari had called him saying that she was 'sure he'd pull through.' He hadn't heard from Rei.
As Shinji thought things over, Misato's phone rang and she answered. Dimly, he heard her talking over the phone with someone, before hanging up and getting to her feet.
"It's time. He's waiting outside for you. Asuka and I will be taking my car and... and we'll see you there," Misato said.
Shinji nodded getting to his feet as Asuka did the same. Together the three of them left the apartment.
Out in the parking lot, they found Commander Gendo Ikari waiting for Shinji standing aside a Nerv issued car, with an American woman beside him.
"Dr. Page?" Shinji asked in surprise.
"Hello again, Shinji. Your father requested I come along to help. I've been informed of what's happening and I have worked for Nerv before," Dr. Page said giving him that fake smile.
Asuka glared daggers at the woman for reasons Shinji didn't understand, but he nodded.
"Okay... but why did my... why did Gendo need you?"
"Because they will ask about your condition. And who better to defend you than your doctor?" Gendo answered simply.
"Condition?" Asuka and Misato asked glancing at Shinji.
Please, please just don't tell them. Let me have that. A few more hours... Shinji thought pleadingly.
Dr. Page raised an eyebrow at the two women, she realized that Shinji had never told them.
"It doesn't matter. Let's get this over with," Shinji said avoiding their gaze. Misato put a hand on his back reassuringly as he got in the Nerv car with Gendo and Page.
Misato wanted to go with him, to be by his side during the hearing, but she and Asuka weren't allowed to. They had to go separately.
…
Walking down the military base was not a pleasant experience for Shinji. He was a 14-year-old teenager being called upon by grown men and women in the military for a hearing that he didn't fully understand.
Besides that, walking with Gendo Ikari and Dr. Page on either side of him made him nervous. They were just about the last people he wanted by his side during all this mess.
Page broke his train of thought saying, "how have you been? It has been quite a while since we've spoken."
"Oh. We spoke on the Over the Rainbow," Shinji said slowly.
"Not much. How is piloting for you? I understand that it can be quite stressful?" Page asked.
Stressful? I'm a kid having to fight monsters.
"It's hard," Shinji said truthfully. He didn't like talking to Dr. Page.
"I see. Remember Shinji, I am still available should you ever want to talk. Just in case you've forgotten my work number, take my card," Page said.
His former doctor handed him a business card, a clean white thing with her name and contact information neatly formatted on it.
Shinji awkwardly took the card and pocketed it.
"Ms. Page. We are here on official business, not to catch up with your patients," Gendo said. He spoke softly, but there was a harsh undertone.
"Of course, Mr. Ikari. Now Shinji, remember that you have my card," Dr. Page said in a falsely sweet tone.
The adults exchanged polite, if forced, glances.
"Yes Ma'am," Shinji said avoiding her gaze. His old Teacher and Caretaker had given him that number when he'd first left the ward a little over a year ago. He had avoided calling her, preferring to stick to his medicine and manage on his own.
Do Page and Gendo not like each other? I guess they must know each other but still... there's tension between them, Shinji thought. He looked between his father and his doctor, noticing that they rarely spoke to each other let alone him.
Once again, he found that he did not like Dr. Page very much. And in his father, he found no comfort.
The boy braced himself, feeling so very alone as he headed to the hearing.
The hearing.
The affair was conducted at a room inside a military base. Nerv had let the JSSDF hold the hearing on their playing field.
They sat packed inside the room with Shinji in the middle seat of a table and Gendo and Page on either side of him. Presiding over them all were three high ranking officers. All three of them belonged to the military police, or the MP for short, ironic considering Nerv was technically not under their authority.
Misato, Ritsuko, and Asuka were at a table beside them. Shinji could see them, but he couldn't talk to them as they were across the room from him. Other military, soldiers he guessed or else why would they be there, sat behind them.
"We are gathered here today to discuss the Mount Asama incident. Where the Third Child known as 'Shinji Ikari' disobeyed orders, and his actions resulted in an Angel getting loose on the surface," the leading MP said.
The procedure began. Misato and Ritsuko were called to give their version of the events at Mount Asama, and then Asuka.
Asuka told them of how she bravely went into the volcano with the D-suit, of how the Angel had woken before she could capture it, of how she had fought it, of how Shinji jumped in to 'lend a hand', of the N2 mine, and of Shinji's AT Field. Then she told them of the Angel's escape before coming back stronger for one last battle where she killed it.
"And you, what have you to say Shinji Ikari?" the leading MP said.
Shinji looked up, he hadn't been allowed to speak during the entire process so far.
"I only wanted to save Asuka. I wasn't going to let her die. I... I couldn't just stand there," Shinji stammered out.
Misato was staring at him. Asuka scowled at the MP, a teenager glaring down a grown adult.
"You do not deny that you purposely disobeyed orders and leaped into the volcano? That you stopped the N2 mine which would have contained the Angel inside the magma?" another MP asked.
It would have destroyed most of Mount Asama, but it wouldn't have killed the Angel.
Shinji didn't know how he knew, but he knew that even in that 'child' state that the Angel would have survived and gotten loose. The N2 strike and the trap wouldn't have been enough. It would have only delayed the monster. The collapsing of the volcano would not have contained the Angel forever, he could feel it in his bones.
His mind conjured imagery of a collapsed volcano erupting anew, a dangerous Angelic figure rising from the mountain top angrier and deadlier than before.
He didn't answer. What could he say before the military officers? He knew enough about adults to realize that they had already made their judgments of him.
"Speak Shinji," Gendo said.
"I did," the boy said slowly.
The three MP officers in charge of the hearing, his judges, exchanged glances before one of them pulled out a single file from the papers at their desk.
"If Shinji Ikari were a soldier in the military we would consider a court-martial. And at the very least a psych evaluation. The stress of combat as such. From the files we are able to gather regarding the Third Child, it has come to our attention that he has an underlining mental health condition. One that would not have allowed him to ever enter the military. And now this hearing questions how someone with such a condition was ever allowed to pilot an Evangelion."
The leading MP spoke sternly, and the man stared accusingly at Shinji as if the boy had somehow sneaked into the position of pilot.
You think I wanted this?! Shinji thought.
He felt Misato's eyes lingering on him. He knew she was wondering what the man was talking about. But he couldn't look at her. Today was the day things changed for him.
"Shinji's condition has been resolved. It has little to no bearing on this incident or piloting in general," Gendo said surprising the entire room.
"Little to no bearing? Your son spent five years in a mental ward and you allowed him to pilot one of the most dangerous weapons ever built..." the leading MP officer said coldly.
Misato rose from her seat, staring in shock at Shinji. He glanced back at her, seeing the look she gave him, and he turned away closing his eyes as if struck. He wished he could disappear. Wished this could be just a bad dream. That he could cease to exist.
Ritsuko pulled Misato back down to her seat. Asuka was staring at Shinji too, eyes wide but her face unreadable.
"Bear in mind, Shinji's files were given to you as a courtesy," Gendo said.
"Yes, and yet most of his files are sealed for 'medical concerns'. Data missing from your reports. We are unable to see much about those five years. I find that troubling," the leading MP officer said coldly. The man was practically on the verge of spitting.
Shinji never realized just how much the JSSDF and Nerv did not get along. He had assumed that the organizations worked together and called it a day, but seeing this made him realize that things weren't so clear cut. Adults and their strange game of power-plays.
"Page," Gendo said simply.
Dr. Page rose from her seat saying, "Hello sir, are you a doctor?"
"... no," the leading MP said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Then quite frankly, those five years are not your concern," Page replied calmly.
"Schizophrenia and Dissociative Identity Disorder all in one patient? I think that makes it our concern as he is an Eva pilot," the MP said coldly.
"Shinji was my patient, and as he is not a member of the military, the contents of his file are of a private nature. What limited files were given to you, were done so as a courtesy. Not his condition dealing with said illnesses nor other medical files," Dr. Page said offering a polite smile.
It was true. None could see anything of Shinji's file other than what he was once diagnosed with. They could not see his MRIs or blood work.
"I have brought Dr. Page to explain Shinji's condition for the court, as his remaining files are sealed. As well as her position on his mental health and sanity," Gendo said simply.
Shinji glanced at Gendo. He wondered if his father did care for him at all, or did he only care about the pilot of Eva Unit 01.
Page nodded at Gendo and continued.
"Shinji Ikari suffered from mental health issues as a child. A condition that he spent five years in the ward getting treatment for. I personally oversaw most of the treatment. The worst days are behind him, and as of now, he is currently as sane as any of you. He was released for a reason. He is responsible. Enough so that he handles his own medication without fail. To repeat Director Ikari, his condition is not relevant to the incident," Dr. Page said.
"You say he is cured then?" the leading MP said.
"Cured is a strange word. One that oversimplifies a complex condition, but for your purposes, Shinji is healthy. He is mentally stable. The medicine prescribed to him is preventive," Page said.
"And yet you say he takes medicine. That doesn't sound like cured to me. And his recent actions have me questioning just how sane he is," the leading MP said.
"I am not crazy," Shinji said his voice low and hard. His words carried across the room. All eyes turned to him as his hands clenched into fists.
He knew Misato was looking at him, but he couldn't look back. He just couldn't.
"I'm not crazy. Not anymore. I got better," Shinji said through gritted teeth.
Just breathe. This is all a show. They chose the insanity angle because it was the easiest to use. This isn't about you. It's about the Evangelions. Wait it out, and you will be okay. The thing in his head stirred.
"Young man, I find it hard to believe you're qualified to make that kind of statement," another MP said.
Something in him just snapped. It was too much, Misato knew now, Asuka knew, he could feel their eyes on him. And the way everyone was looking at him. Like he was crazy and he might have a breakdown. Like he made them nervous.
"More than you," Shinji said, his voice low and dangerous.
"Excuse me?"
"You think I didn't know what I was? I knew. I was aware that I wasn't alright. That I was sick. Do you think I just heard voices in my head and thought that was okay? You think I didn't notice when I started to see things that weren't there? Of course, I knew! It was fucking terrifying!" Shinji said almost shouting.
He felt something stirring inside him, not the madness that had tormented him for years now. No, this was something deep in him that cut at his core. A fear and a pain that came from dealing with his illness. To know that you are sick is to have more than the world against you, it is to never know peace. To be haunted by more than any ghost or revenant, it is to be haunted by yourself.
"It was awful," the boy said, his voice shaking.
He hiccupped not caring that all eyes were on him. He was standing now and everyone was watching him.
"I knew that... that I couldn't trust myself. That I could not trust my own eyes and ears. You have any idea with that's like? To have moments where you don't know what's real and what isn't?"
Shinji shuddered at the memories of his many incidents, the flashes of a life that was not his own. Terrifying moments where a flood of sensation bled into him, the madness that came crashing down around him and sent him reeling. The days where he had been at his worst, days where Mari had held him as he was 'lost'. Days where he was just a kid and bleeding from his nose, clutching his head so hard that he pulled hair from his scalp, of seeing things that he couldn't explain. Of the nightmares, of things better left forgotten.
Days where Dr. Page made him draw and draw followed by changes to the dosage of his medicine.
Even now, he wasn't completely free. Piloting seemed to affect him. Shinji remembered Asuka, of how he had somehow seen her before ever having met her, and of saving her when she was down in the volcano. He knew there was a reason he needed his medicine.
"But all that changed. I got better, I did. I listened to the doctors. And the other day, I disobeyed orders... because I wanted to save my friend. What would you do? Could you really just stand there and not try to help. Could you let your friend die?" Shinji said staring unblinkingly at the leading MP officer.
Be very careful. You're pushing things, but you made them uncomfortable. You have a point and they know it.
Shinji breathed. He wasn't supposed to listen to it. But with Gendo and Dr. Page being his only allies at the moment, he figured why the hell not. He had lost his cool, maybe he should stop now.
His father put a hand on his shoulder and shoved him back into his seat.
Then Gendo rose saying, "Nerv understands your concern. And as punishment for his actions, I am willing to have further tests done to reevaluate his condition. I will also agree to a form of house arrest for a specified time period, as well as increased briefings for the military on our operations whenever necessary."
Dr. Page leaned over to Shinji and whispered into his ear. "Leave this to us."
He didn't know how, why, or even when, but his father and his doctor had planned this.
So he sat there in silence as Gendo went back and forth with the MP in the hearing. His outburst had put them on the spot, and he could see the shame on some, but not all, of their faces. He sat there looking at his hands and lost in his own thoughts as the hearing went to a close.
...
The JSSDF agreed to Gendo's conditions for Shinji's punishment after a series of negotiations. The military had tried to get the Evas under more of their control, and they had been denied.
It was decided that Dr. Page would be the one to conduct his psych evaluation as she already knew him and his illness. The woman admitted that she doubted it was an issue. For a period of two weeks, Shinji would be under house arrest, school, and Nerv only, as well as mandatory classes about following orders.
Shinji's punishment was agreed upon almost exactly as Gendo had intended, almost like the military had been set up to lose from the start.
And Shinji himself hardly cared. He knew that he should have, but he didn't.
He only cared about the look Misato and Asuka had given him. Now they knew, they knew and there was no taking that back.
That night.
Misato's apartment.
Shinji was the last to get back home. He'd had to get lectures from both Dr. Page and his father about his outburst, and then about his punishment. This was what he got for saving his Eva partner's life.
When he walked through the door, Asuka was in her nightclothes having just taken a shower and changed. She met his gaze and stilled at his presence.
"Hey," he said hesitantly as he stood in the doorway.
"... night," Asuka said looking at him carefully. Not nervous, almost nothing made her nervous, but she regarded him carefully. She knew now, and she seemed to be keeping a distance from him.
Too bad, we had just been starting to get along.
"Nothing's changed. I'm still the person I was yesterday," Shinji said. He walked past her after closing the apartment door behind him.
"I know. I... I'm sorry you got punished," Asuka said regarding him almost awkwardly. They had been sort of getting along better before, now it wasn't that she was mean again. Just different.
"Thanks," Shinji said, as he went to his room and grabbed a change of clothes so he could take a shower.
He didn't see Asuka for the rest of the night. After taking a shower and changing into his nightclothes, Shinji found Misato waiting for him outside his room.
Misato was dressed in her pajamas and looked at him wordlessly as he stepped out of the bathroom.
And now you know, he thought.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I understand if you want me to move out," Shinji said unable to meet her gaze. His eyes felt heavy and he didn't know if he wanted to sleep or not, but he felt so tired.
Misato stared at him and shook her head.
"No. I'm not going to make you move out. What's wrong with you?" She said.
"You already know. Crazy, remember?" he said gesturing to his head. He waited for her to move so he could go to his room.
Misato sighed saying, "we need to talk. Just for a few minutes, alright. I spoke to Ritsuko, and then I found these in your room."
She held up Shinji's medicine, the various prescription bottles, in her hands.
You went digging through my room? He thought.
"What's there to say?" Shinji asked bitterly.
Misato walked to him, grabbed him by the wrist, and dragged him to the kitchen.
He didn't resist and let himself be seated in the breakfast table.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Misato asked staring at him with a frown planted on her face.
"Because once people know, that's all they see. It changes how people look at me, how they act. I don't know. Misato, you were the first adult who didn't treat me like I was going to have a breakdown at any minute. I didn't want to lose that," Shinji said honestly. He still wouldn't look at her.
"And Ritsuko helped you cover up your medicine? Helped you hide it from me?" Misato asked in shock.
"I asked her too. I didn't want you to know," Shinji said softly.
Misato took his hand in hers saying, "you should have told me."
When he didn't respond Misato wrapped an arm around him in a hug.
"I'm not going to lie; I'm upset that no one told me. But Shinji, I've watched over you for months now. I'm not going to abandon you."
"Misato..."
"That Page woman, your doctor, she said that you were released for a reason?" Misato continued.
Shinji leaned into her embrace, and without realizing it he felt a weight leaving his chest. A crushing thing that had started at the hearing, and had refused to let him go until now.
"I got better. I really did. When I was younger it was a lot worse. There were days where I... where it... " Shinji said unable to get the words out.
He didn't want to look back on those times again. Nothing good ever came from that, and the hearing had already brought up things that he would rather forget.
"It was so bad that I had to be in the ward," he finished, letting the words out.
Misato released him from the embrace saying, "but you're not like that anymore?"
She was nervous and a bit freaked out, but she was trying. She was trying and that's more than Shinji could say for 99.9% of the adults he knew.
"When I was little, it was awful. I heard a voice in my head. I saw things that weren't there. I had nightmares... even when I was awake. I saw things and felt them. They were as real to me as you are now... but wrong. I had seizures. I had nosebleeds and headaches. I ripped out my own hair at times," Shinji said sadly, thinking back on his grim and lonely childhood.
A boy whose greatest fear was himself.
"But not anymore?" Misato asked.
Here Shinji felt conflicted. For a long time now, he'd had a sinking suspicion that piloting the Eva made his condition worse. The voice had come back, but things had changed. Whenever it stirred, it no longer brought him pain from inside his skull, that hadn't ever happened in the ward. Lately, the voice had actually helped him, it helped him keep his cover, and it even helped him save Asuka.
He wasn't supposed to listen to it. Over and over again, Dr. Page had told him. 'You can't listen to the voice.'
Make a choice, boy. Misato is getting more nervous the longer you wait. No matter what your answer, she will still care about you. I promise. The voice said roughly.
"No, I don't hear things in my head anymore," Shinji lied.
Misato breathed a sigh of relief. She believed him.
"How are you so calm? I was afraid of this for so long. I thought... I don't know what I thought but you're so calm?" Shinji said slowly.
"I'm freaking out on the inside. Shit, that was rude, wasn't it? I'm sorry. Ahh. Shinji, I've known you for a while now. You're more mature than me sometimes, kiddo. You probably did save my life when you stopped the N2 mine too," Misato said running a hand through his hair.
"What?" Shinji asked in shock.
"I tried to stop them from dropping it. I stayed behind to argue over the phone until Aoba had to drag me away. We might not have made it if you hadn't have used the AT Field. How the hell did you even do that?" Misato asked.
"No idea. I just didn't want Asuka to die. And now everyone's mad at me," Shinji said.
"Well, I'm not mad at you. I just want you to be honest with me," Misato said. Good god, it's the same line I've used on all my ex-boyfriends, she thought in momentary horror.
"This is hard for me too. But you seem fine to me, and you said you don't have 'it' anymore. That you take medicine, and that's not so bad," Misato said.
She was starting to ramble, she was nervous but she was trying. Damn it, she was trying for him.
Shinji gestured at the prescription bottles in her hand, and she handed them over. He opened them and pulled out a red pill. He told Misato what the medicine was for.
"I take these mostly. The red ones. But I also have blue, white, and black ones. Red every day, black for an emergency, white to help me sleep, blue for if I get nauseous - a bad reaction to the meds," he explained. He hadn't needed a refill on anything except his reds for months now.
"Jeez," Misato said looking over his meds.
"It's not so bad. But they taste terrible."
"Well, you don't have to hide them anymore," Misato said.
She really doesn't care... Shinji thought. He felt his eyes watering. It was probably because the lights were too bright or something. Damn those stupid lights.
"Hey, why are you crying?" Misato said concerned as he wiped his eyes clean.
"Oh, nothing's wrong. It's just... you're the closest thing to a mother I have," Shinji said smiling sadly at her.
Misato felt her heart break at those words. When had she grown so motherly? The answer was when she appointed herself Shinji's legal guardian. But then she realized something.
I'm the closest thing to a mom he has? Oh god, he's so screwed! I'm terrible at this! I... I need to step my game up. I'm all he has, Misato thought.
"Is this what's been bothering you? I've seen you. Something's been bothering you for a long time now. Something you didn't want to talk about?" Misato asked.
"Hmm, part of it. My life's gotten really complicated since I became a pilot. I had bad anxiety when piloting for a while. Then I had a nightmare with my mom, or at least I think it was my mom. Then Rei was mad at me," Shinji said stumbling through everything that had been bothering him lately.
That gave his guardian pause.
"Rei was mad at you? I've never seen her mad at anyone. That's just... wow."
"Oh yeah. I promised to teach her to cook. We were going to meet up at the store after school, but I accidentally forgot about her when Mari showed up on that bike of hers and-"
"You forgot Rei to go hang out with Mari?!" Misato said grabbing him by the shoulders.
"I didn't mean to do it- ah!" Shinji stammered.
Misato poked him in the forehead.
"You never blow off a girl, Shinji! Especially for another girl."
Misato poked him in the forehead a second time.
"Ah. Stop! I know! I know. I said I was sorry. I did her homework for her and we talked. Then she asked about Mari and now she's sad. I don't like seeing Rei sad. And I... I just don't know what to do. Everything is so complicated. Girls say one thing but it's like they're speaking a different language!" Shinji said rambling frantically.
When did all this happen?! I haven't been paying attention to what's going on in his life. How could I miss all this? Misato thought.
"Oh, Shinji. In spite of everything, you really are a normal teenager. You even have 'girl problems' now," Misato said managing a laugh.
"I- huh. I have 'girl problems' now. That's normal?" Shinji asked breathlessly.
"That's normal," Misato said grinning at him.
"That's normal," Shinji said slowly.
"I said that already," Misato laughed at him.
Shinji laughed saying, "I have a normal problem. I don't think I've ever had a normal problem before."
Misato burst out laughing. That was just so him, her boy was a comedy gold mine without even trying.
"Some of us are trying to sleep!" Asuka's voice shouted out from the thin walls of her room.
Misato and Shinji stopped laughing. They exchanged a look then turned to glance at Asuka's room.
"Sorry. Go back to bed," Misato called.
"Idiots," the two of them heard Asuka muttering.
Misato turned back to Shinji and patted him on the arm.
"Don't worry. Momma Misato is here for all your girl problems. It's not too late into the evening so here's what you're going to do. You're going to take my phone and call Rei. You're going to tell her that you're sorry and that you miss talking to her, and go from there."
"Why do I need to use your phone?" Shinji asked frowning.
Misato sighed like he was asking the most obvious thing in the world.
"So you can say you stole my phone for the night. It implies that you took a risk to talk to her. Teenage girls love that. And you know she'll answer if she thinks it might be Nerv related," his guardian told him.
Shinji thought that over saying 'okay' very slowly. Misato pulled out her phone and handed it to him.
He took it and noticed Misato watching him eagerly.
"Um. Hey... can you leave the room?" Shinji asked nervously.
Misato sighed. She'd been wanting to watch this.
"Just go to your room. Make sure my battery doesn't die and give it back in the morning," she said getting to her feet and heading for her room.
She wanted to watch me call Rei? No way. she'd tease me about it forever, Shinji thought. Somehow that thought made him smile. No matter how much things changed, some things stayed the same. Maybe people had a habit of making things into bigger problems than they really are.
Shinji's room.
He dialed the number on Misato's phone and waited. His breath was caught in his throat and he felt his heart beating but he didn't know why.
"Captain Katsuragi? It is late. Does Nerv require me?" Rei's voice called from the phone.
"Rei, it's me. It's Shinji."
There was a short pause and Shinji thought she had hung up on him.
"Shinji? I was told you were no longer allowed to use phones. The punishment that Nerv agreed to at the hearing..." Rei said slowly.
… Can't believe I'm following Misato's advice, Shinji thought.
"I know, but I wanted to talk to you," he said softly. He wasn't exactly lying, just taking a tip from Misato. And he really did want to talk to Rei, he missed her at times.
...
"You could get in trouble... Shinji," Rei said almost in a whisper. On her end, she felt her face grow warm at the thought. She should not feel 'touched' but she was. This was confusing to Rei but not altogether unpleasant.
...
"Can we talk?" Shinji asked.
"We are talking," Rei said.
Shinji could imagine her blinking at his question, she did that when she was confused.
He smacked himself in the face sighing.
"That's not what I meant, I mean 'talk' like how we used to. Rei, we haven't really talked about what happened."
"I am not angry at you," Rei said. He could hear the hint of sadness in her voice, most people would miss it but he'd gotten to know her better.
"No. You're sad. I'd never seen you like that before. I don't like seeing you sad," Shinji said honestly.
...
On the other end, Rei was staring unblinkingly at the wall, phone in hand.
She had so much trouble dealing with the strange emotions that only the boy brought. The feeling inside her chest. She felt her lips moving to form the shadow of a smile and she wasn't entirely sure why.
...
"I'm sorry about forgetting. I am, really. Rei, I miss talking. I miss my friend," Shinji said wistfully.
"I... miss you- I mean that I miss our talks too," Rei said sounding just as awkward as Shinji felt.
He breathed a sigh of relief, holding the phone back so Rei wouldn't hear it.
"Listen, I'm under a kind of house arrest, but let's have lunch at school again. We can talk more."
Rei was silent over the phone for so long that Shinji double checked to make sure he hadn't accidentally ended the call.
"Can we talk now?" the girl asked suddenly over the phone.
"We are talking," Shinji said parroting her earlier words.
"Like we used to talk," Rei clarified.
"Oh, okay. What about?" he asked awkwardly.
"Anything. Everything. You lead."
So Shinji spoke, spoke about anything that he could think of. He told her how Pen-Pen seemed to hate him sometimes and like him other times, of how the penguin had gotten into his food and how no one had stopped him. She had almost laughed at that. He told her he could still teach her how to cook. That he could bring her lunch and tell her how he made it. He asked Rei what she liked. How she was doing, and if she needed help with her homework (which of course she didn't, she was smarter than him).
The two of them ended up talking for hours. It didn't seem to matter what about, they just wanted to hear the others' voices.
Elsewhere.
At a secret location.
The room was empty save for the projected images of five large stone monoliths that surrounded a lone human in the dark. Not the secret meeting room at Nerv, but a different one. Hidden somewhere in Tokyo-03.
"The hearing went as expected then?" Keel asked. The man's voice emerged from the projected monolith marked SEELE 01.
Dr. Page, Agent of SEELE, nodded.
"They agreed to the Third Child's punishment almost exactly as Gendo had intended. The Eva Units and their pilots remain outside of the JSSDF's control," the woman answered.
"As Director Ikari claimed. Do you believe the man can still be trusted?" Keel asked. The other SEELE members murmured in the dark at their leader's words.
The Agent thought that over.
"For the moment, I believe so. Though I have my suspicions about him. I have doubts if the Director of Nerv is working for us, and not himself instead. He remains a mystery. A hard man to read, even for me," Page responded.
The SEELE members considered that. No words came from the projected monoliths as they loomed over Page in the dark.
"Precautions are being taken should he deviate from our plans. Now, tell us about him. The Third Child. You will be conducting his psych evaluation," Keel said.
"Yes, the Freak... what is the boy's status?" another SEELE member asked.
Page smiled politely. Time to report on her favorite patient.
"He is truly a unique case. Over the years I have never seen anyone else like him. Not even the other Eva pilots. The Second Child, Asuka, had no reaction to the drawings. Her MRI showed no signs of what Shinji has. I managed to look at the First Child's records and she is the same. As is Mari," Page said.
The 'doctor' shook her head marveling at her memories of treating the young boy and watching him grow. Years of her life dedicated to a single patient, with almost unlimited resources and funding given to her. The MRIs had been a hunch on her part, and SEELE had gotten them for her within a day. The medicine had taken longer, with entire companies diverted for the sole task of pharmaceutically designing and producing the red and black pills. All of that... for a single patient.
"The other pilots aren't like him?" another SEELE member murmured.
"Shinji Ikari is the only one?" Keel asked, an edge to his voice.
"He is the only one," Page confirmed. She reached into the folder she had been holding and pulled free a scanned copy of a drawing. She held it up for them to see, though they'd already seen it in her reports years ago.
"The most recent Angel asleep in the magma," Keel said.
The crude childlike drawing caught Keel's eye, it was unnerving how accurate yet crude the drawings could be. Yet the drawing itself was only one of many in a collection, all made by Shinji.
The second set of Dead Sea Scrolls 'drawn' by Shinji Ikari as a child. The many drawings were out of order and consisted of things with little context, yet as time went on they were growing increasingly more and more accurate. Every single Angel that had appeared so far, had been drawn by young Shinji at some time.
Shinji himself did not retain the memories for long after an 'incident', and after a certain point, he had lost the ability to draw for them at all. SEELE had their own theories on that. As if someone or something had finally stopped the boy from having his visions. In the five years at the ward, Shinji had drawn every Angel, as well as other strange images, and things that even SEELE did not understand.
Strange unsettling images. Illustrations of another world, of the Angels and something more. Something beyond. At times even more accurate than the original Dead Sea Scrolls that they had painstakingly restored and translated.
"You will keep us posted. On Gendo and his child," Keel ordered before his projected image faded away into the dark.
Page nodded as SEELE disappeared.
Do you think that was the first time that the Other vomited up the pills? Fruit for thought.
The hearing was longer than I intended, but there's more tension between the JSSDF and Nerv in this fic. They've already seen how powerful the Evas are. And poor Shinji, so many things this boy doesn't understand.
Things are different with him and Asuka, but she hasn't forgotten that he cared about her. Things are changing for Shinji, his roommates 'know' now and he's trying to work out relationships whilst questioning the thing in his head. Plus, the Other is getting stronger.
Thanks for Reading and please Review!