Hey guys, I'm back.
Been busy with school and work. As exams are approaching, I find myself tutoring more and more students in the middle of cram sessions. Such is life.

Anyway, here is Chapter 26 'Eyes'. This chapter was split into two because of its length and change in tone and themes.
This part will be heavily Character-based, whilst the next Chapter will be much more Plot.

"They say that eyes are the windows into the soul. That what you see and what you don't will tell you everything about a person. Your life's story written for all to see.

I've done things I'm not proud of. Not always out of necessity, but out of another kind of 'need'. The absence of intimacy leaves you cold. Empty. I learned that the hard way. People have wants. People have needs, and maybe that makes me a sort of monster.

The kind that my bastard of a father was... I don't know. I like to think that I was better than him. That I actually did 'care'. But not in that way, never that way ever again."

- the Broken Man.

Part 1: The Present.

The Current Timeline.
Tokyo-03.

Hospitals sucked.

That was the first thought that Mari had when she woke up.

17 years old, wearing nothing but a hospital gown, with bandages wrapped around her head and with a single black eye. Mari had woken alone in her room, with the tv left on and playing the news.

One of the talking heads on the tv screen was reporting on the damage done to the city.

"The devastation from the incident, the coordinated attack from two Angels, has left the city reeling. Yet in spite of it all, there are signs of hope and reconstruction. Nerv and the JSSDF pulling their resources to aid in the efforts."

Mari watched the tv before groaning as she sat up. She almost immediately regretted it. Her muscles ached, but she gritted her teeth and stretched as best she as could. After a few moments, things got easier for her. She would take some time to recover, but she'd be back to normal. Now that that was settled, she looked around her room. Great, another hospital.

It was so bland in here, the curtains closed, the beds cool and lifeless.

Always hated these rooms. And the doctors. Always in white, they dress in white.

She scowled remembering the incident from before, remembered Zeruel. The breach of Nerv and her battle with that walking tank of an Angel. Her Eva's arm being blown off. She remembered Unit 02 being impaled, the phantom sensations of such a blow taking her breath away, and then being thrown aside like she was nothing.

Hurts the ego more than the body, Mari thought laughing to herself, despite her injuries.

She didn't know what had happened since the breach of Nerv. But she was alive and here in this room, so it must have worked out alright. She got to her feet and ripped the cord to the IV bag off.

Mari felt fine... well... a little shitty but nothing she couldn't handle. This wasn't her first rodeo as they say. Before and after the ward.

".. where did you go, dummy?" she whispered to herself. Maybe it was a bit romantic, but she'd had liked to think he would have been there for her when she woke.

Instead, she'd woken alone, so very alone, in the white rooms that she and Shinji had grown to despise as the years had gone on.

…

Mari spent the rest of the day getting yelled at by the hospital staff for wandering the halls aimlessly.

"Was just looking for some food," had been Mari's only response. Well, food and some news. No one told her anything. And the tv sets were particularly useless, nothing but talking heads spouting out the same publically available information. And that meant unclassified reports carefully vetted by Nerv or outright propaganda.

After a few hours, she was seriously considering walking out and heading down to Nerv herself.

At least until Misato came to visit.

Mari was emancipated, a legal adult in the eyes of the government, and her relationship with her parents was strained. She had no one but Shinji who cared about her, so it was a surprise, to say the least when his guardian of all people came walking into her room.

Misato entered her room wearing that same red jacket of hers and those annoyingly short shorts. She knew her dummy liked this woman a lot, but she would never see Misato as the 'mothering' type. And she was guessing Misato thought much the same herself.

At least she tries. That's more than can be said for most adults... especially for my dummy...

"Hey, want some pudding?" Mari said in greeting.

"... no thank you... what is it with Shinji and you and pudding? I- never mind" Misato said. The woman frowned shaking her head, and Mari felt herself being looked over.

"Chill. I'm fine. Not in pain" Mari answered before the question was asked. She sat watching the talking heads on the tv, eating the crappy hospital food, and relying mostly on the pudding to get her through the day.

"I... how are you?" Misato asked anyway. The older woman stood in the doorway, wincing as she took in the sight of the wounded girl. The Eva pilot that had faced that tank of an Angel head-on, one on one, and had lived to tell the tale. Hell, Mari had actually wounded the walking nightmare by stabbed the monster in the eye.

"Feeling like shit, but I'll be alright. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Anyway, what happened?" Mari said turning the tv off.

Mari raised an eyebrow as Misato tossed her a bag of clothes. A pair of simple jeans, shoes, and a shirt, nothing special.

"It's a long story. Get dressed. We have a debriefing to go to," Misato said.

Something about miss 'Momma' Misato's tone was different. The slight pauses in her voice, the hesitant look in her eyes. Mari noticed these things.

...

Leaving the hospital was simple enough, Mari signed herself out, emancipated, and all that. Together, the two women had walked out of the hospital and headed for Misato's car. Mari couldn't help but notice that Misato watched her the whole way as if worried she would fall.

Pfft, I got it. Mari thought more amused than anything.

Misato seemed to be going out of her way to be nice to her, and that made things weird. It made Mari suspicious. She just wanted to go home, and she was more worried about Shinji than anything else. What had her dummy got himself into it? Misato had refused to answer just yet, they had an official debriefing to attend.

"I called your parents" Misato told her as they reached the car in the parking lot.

The words brought Mari out of her own head like a punch to the gut. She flinched back, stunned. Her heart pounded in her chest for the briefest of moments, and she whirled to face miss 'Momma' Misato, her minor injuries momentarily forgotten.

"You did what?! I... you have no right!" Mari said actually getting angry. She made no move to hide her emotions. That wasn't her style. And this... Misato shouldn't have done that.

Misato fumbled for her keys and glanced up at Mari with an annoyed look.

Don't. Just don't. I never asked you to do that.

"They're your parents, kid. They happen to care what happens to you-" Misato began.

"You don't know that" Mari cut in harshly.

Misato shook her head in frustration. The older woman took a breath to calm herself and then continued, "expect a call from them, let them know you're okay. I'm sure they care, alright."

That wasn't your choice to make... Mari thought bitterly. Mari crossed her arms while Misato found the keys, and opened the passenger door for her.

The car ride was awkward, to say the least. Misato took Mari to her apartment first, letting the girl take a quick shower and get some footing so to say.

To make matter worse, Misato had been right, her father called.

Mari answered the phone and was immediately met with a lecture. A disapproving voice telling her about the dangers of piloting, of the madness of it all.

Mari listened to the old man drone on and on.

"Dad! Dad, shut up and let me talk!" Mari had finally shouted.

That had stopped her father in his tracks, she could hear his labored breathing on the other end. She sighed continuing before he started up again.

"I'm okay. You can stop pretending to care so much. I can continue piloting" Mari said into her cellphone. Her voice was flat and deadpanned. Pure business.

"I do care. Don't think that just because we- that we had- it's not-"

"I. AM. OKAY." Mari called back into the phone. Shutting her father off for the second time. The phone was shaking in her hands. Damn Misato, it had been months since she'd spoken with her old man.

"I'm doing my job... what I was assigned to do. Happy now? No need to worry. I'm not a kid anymore. Jeez. Tell mom..." Mari said until she came to a pause. She closed her eyes, conflicting emotions welling up inside her.

What the hell am I supposed to say?

"Tell mom that I'm alright." Mari said.

Her father made to speak again but she ended the call before he could. He didn't call back.

She scowled inwardly, wiping away something in her eyes. This is what you agreed to... what did you think would happen? I'm on my own... you and mom don't get to care anymore...

Mari found herself shaking, breathing harder than normal. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen her dad in person. Nothing but distant phone calls at odd hours ever since leaving the ward. Her emancipation had been better for everyone involved. They had agreed to sign her away.

Misato was listening in from outside. It was hard not to hear, but Mari didn't care so long as 'Momma' Misato didn't try to fix her life. She could practically feel Misato on the side of the wall awkwardly trying to think of something to say.

"Please. Don't ever do that again. My life is my life" Mari said softly and matter-of-factly.

"... sorry" Misato answered hesitantly.

...

From there, Misato took her back to Nerv HQ for debriefing. The place had seen better days, the reconstruction efforts nearing the end of the operation, but the base had been breached and that had changed things forever.

She was briefed on what had happened while she was recovering. Eva Unit 01 had broken free of its plate armor, killing the two Angels, and absorbing Shinji into itself.

Mari sat through the briefing wordlessly, eyes growing hard as she learned of Shinji's fate.

She was told of the next incident, of the two Beast Angels and Eva Team Three's successful response to them. Asuka and Rei handling the matter.

Looked like Mari had been 'out of the game' for a bit. But now she didn't know what to do. Misato had been kind to her, in that woman's own way, but now Mari was useless.

Her Eva was out of commission for the time being. Too badly damaged during the fight with Zeruel.

...

After another sync test, the first since she'd left the hospital, she'd spoken with the technicians and asked to see the footage from that night. It had been hard, but Misato had given her clearance in the end.

So she'd sat there... watching the recordings of her boyfriend and his Eva. The night he had been taken from her.

"The eyes" Mari said, her voice still and low. Barely a whisper as she watched the recordings from the control panel, Maya and Aoba leaving her alone as they worked on their own problems in the command center.

The footage showed Eva Unit 01 leaping from the corpse of the strange sphere like Angel, that being that had trapped objects inside itself, with living shadows that reached out for prey. The footage that showed the 'Awakened' Evangelion handle that tank of an Angel, Zeruel, and behead it. The AT Blade, a power no one had ever seen before.

But it was the eyes that unnerved Mari.

She had overheard some of the staff were theorizing that a part of the pilot (Shinji) had been in there, directing the Eva to save them. Mari doubted it. The eyes were wrong. Her Shinji was not as cold as that. The Eva had broken eyes... intelligent... somehow human but not human. Nothing like the boy she... that she loved. How cruel that this happened, things had been going so well for the both of them. They had been together, and it had been... been wonderful in its own way. A relationship, unlike anything she'd ever had known. An affection.

Shinji had given her his virginity, he had been awkward and clumsy, but everyone was on the first. She hadn't cared at the time, she still hadn't, only that she had had Shinji. That they'd been together and had lived life on their own terms.

The thought brought a sad smile to her lips. That dummy.

Her Shinji had always been strange. She had liked that about him, even when they had been kids, but other times he seemed like two different people.

The smile fell from her lips.

Memories flashed through her mind.

...

She was 14 years old, and Shinji was 11. Both of them living inside the mental ward.

The boy had sneaked into her room somehow, eyes distant and somehow not his, and had touched her forehead.

"I will not remember this" he had told her head gently, running a hand across her forehead.

Mari gasped, unable to move, confused and wondering what had happened to her only friend in the world.

"I hope we never meet again. Goodbye Mari" he had told her, hollow empty eyes boring into hers.

That was the night when her Shinji had had a seizure so bad that he'd been hospitalized. And in the days that followed... Mari had been deemed 'healthy' and was released from the mental ward.

She never even got the chance to say goodbye. Dr. Page dismissing her just like that. Denied visits and any contact.

And then, years later, when the two had reunited. When Mari had taken him to that park so they could dance. She had hugged him. Whispering to him that she remembered. And in that instant, something had changed. A coldness that the boy hadn't had before.

The boy had pushed her back, his hand on her shoulder, breaking their embrace. The boy had turned away from her, avoiding her gaze... yet she had glimpsed that same look. Those eyes from when she was just 14.

"Don't bring that up. You shouldn't talk about that Mari. The past is the past."

...

Watching the footage of the Awakened Eva reminded her of those eyes. The stiffness in the Eva's movements. More alive than machine, yet somehow cold and empty.

"Oh, dummy... what happened to you?" Mari whispered somberly. There was nothing she could do, and she hated it. Nothing but wait for Dr. Akagi and the recovery teams to figure something out.

Part 2: Lingering Pains.

The Other Timeline
18 years after Third Impact

The village resting in the flatlands between a series of mountains, known as Haven, was peaceful this night. A welcomed development in the face of the previous week. Looters and thieves making their way from a camp hidden in the woods, stealing food, killing one inhabitant, and wounding several others.

Yet, Shinji Ikari lay restless within his bed. When he dreamed... they weren't really dreams anymore. They were scars. Phantom pains that haunted him.

Shinji dreamed he was 14 years old again. Sitting at a ramen restaurant with the others, another lifetime ago. A place not without trial and pain, but somehow better. Whole.

Misato was there. Wearing that old jacket of hers and ordering them food. He sat at the bar stand with Asuka and Rei at either side of him. Shinji could remember this day, and he knew that it had long since passed but he didn't care.

"Stupid Shinji" Asuka was saying. Youthful and strong, unmarked by the strains of the Post Impact world. Fiery red hair that matched her personality, always the best, the greatest of the Eva pilots.

Rei sipping quietly at her food, she never did like eating meat, staring into her bowl with odd curiosity. Glancing up at him from the corner of her eyes... quiet but not silent. Isolated but not alone. Pale white skin and white blue hair, a 'thing' created for a purpose, yet a being that had begun to develop a will of her own. A comrade, a friend... the woman whom would would day become the love of his life.

Shinji sat there in the ramen house quietly. Looking at them with old tears in his eyes.

In his dream, he was still a kid, but his hands gave him away. He was missing two fingers, and the skin of his palms was littered with tiny little scars from years of fieldwork.

I'm sorry Shinji thought. Asuka and Rei deaf to his pleads.

The walls of the restaurant were gone. Vanishing with a flicker. Leaving only the four of them. Shinji watched, sorrow filling his heart, as Misato turned to ash before his eyes.

Asuka and Rei, 14 years old, followed. Dissolving away into nothing even as he tried to stop it. Shinji's hands catching only ash. The dirt slipping through his fingers even as the world around him crumbled into nothing. Dust in the wind.

The dream changed.

He wasn't 14 anymore. He was 32, dressed in ragged and dirt stained field clothes, kneeling down in an empty stretch of land, the ruins of Tokyo-03 visible in the distance. Covered in the ashes of his family. Asuka, Rei, Misato... all of them dead. All of them faces erased and gone... just like that. No meaning or rhythm to it.

If he could have cried, he would have. But the tears just wouldn't come. Everything was just too much.

The corpses the Mass Production Evas towered over him from the red sea. Ghost white monstrosities that lingered long after their purpose, the horror of another lifetime, headless and deformed they laughed at him.

Cold, strange sounds that shook the earth itself. SEELE's folly, their greatest creation and their worst failure.

And above, visible in the night sky... a lone star shining in the expanse. Evangelion Unit 01, drifting further and further away, beyond the little planet and its problems. Yui Ikari drifting far far away.

Shinji could feel pieces of himself breaking along the years. He sat there numb and lost to the world in his dreams... alone in the dark and the cold.

He felt a tug on his hand, and he turned to see little Akane sitting beside him. Pale white skin and red eyes, just like her mother, but with his hair. Small hands intertwined with his. Shinji held his daughter close, shielding her from the cold cruel world around him.

The wind blew and ashes flew in its wake, uncaring at Shinji's plight. At his attempts to keep his child warm.

His head started to hurt. Like blades were cutting through the brain tissue underneath his skull. And the dream changed.

Shinji screamed as images flashed through his mind. The Impact, Gendo shooting Ritsuko... the broken and scarred world he had made...

A lone figure surrounding in a sea of darkness... incomplete somehow.

He woke to find himself sweating and his hand aching so much he thought it was on fire.

Shinji grunted and sat up in his bed. Blood running down his nose, bad hand shaking as felt the nerves trying to connect with the missing flesh. Three fingers where there should have been five.

He pushed himself off of his bed and gasped as he let himself breathe.

Another nosebleed, another incident. It never goes away, not truly. Always comes back sooner or later he thought darkly.

His hand was aching. Like he could feel the heat from the bullet that had cut through his flesh, even now, weeks after the attack.

Shinji stood there in his room panting as he held his bad hand, flexing the remaining fingers. Another nightmare, another night with little sleep.

"Are you still flexing your fingers the way I showed you?"

Shinji nodded, raising his bad hand and flexing the remaining fingers as instructed.

Makio, the town doctor, watched the fingers moving and nodded his approval. The man came over every now and then to check up on his patients. Shinji, and the strange girl they'd found laying in the outskirts on patrol.

"Do the routine at least twice a day. With any luck the phantom sensations will fade…" Makio began, the older man thinking intently as he inspected the mangled hand.

"But?" Shinji said.

"Hard to say. Every case is a little different. Your nerves are still firing, trying to reestablish a connection despite the fingers being gone." Makio admitted darkly.

So the pain might never go away. The twinges are okay, but every now and then the pain swells up. Like my hand is on fire, like the bullet is tearing through my flesh all over again Shinji thought.

"And your dreams haven't stopped, have they?" Makio asked. Looking at the shadows under Shinji's eyes, the man was a doctor, nothing got passed him.

"No. They come and they go, been having them for years now" Shinji said dryly.

I see my failures again and again. I made this world... all of this is on me he thought darkly. Maybe that's what the dreams where. His own self-inflected punishment.

"I can try to dig up some sleeping pills. Besides that, all I can say is try not to dwell on things." Makio said shaking his head somberly.

Shinji sat there, speaking with Makio about his hand and his nightmares. The doctor giving him advice here and there but sadly unable to offer more. Medicine had its limits in the Post Impact World, only the very basic of drugs being made, and without electricity any serious surgery or operation was out of the question.

Shinji heard a slight 'creek' in the floor out in the hall of their shack. Makio raised an eyebrow but said nothing. The good doctor seeing the look in Shinji's eye.

Akane. She's taken to listening in on my doctor's visits. Worried about me he thought.

"I understand. Thank you, Makio" Shinji said. Reassuring the doctor that he would be okay, and that he realized the limits of Haven's medical operations. All Makio could offer were old pain meds, but Shinji turned them down in favor of the 'guest' staying with him and his daughter.

Makio sighed softly. The man and his wife and been the reason Shinji had found Haven at all, all those years ago when Shinji and the girls had stumbled upon the family across that bridge. In that time the good doctor had watched them all age… well… now only Shinji.

What some last minute advice on Shinji's 'guest', Makio took his leave. The man patting Akane on the head on his way out, neither the doctor nor her father surprised to find her eavesdropping on their earlier conversation.

"That's rude you know? Akane, didn't I tell you to stop eavesdropping?" Shinji said, more bemused than annoyed or upset. Standing in the doorway with an awkward looking Akane out in the hall.

Shinji raised his bad hand again, letting his daughter see the empty stumps were his pinkie and ring fingers once were. It was easier to talk about his hand with Akane than his nightmares. He had no doubt that Akane knew he had troubling sleeping, but he didn't want her burdened by her old man.

Akane stared at them again. She tried not to look at his bad hand, but every now and then she'd get a glance at them and just stare.

"I know dad… but I hear you at night. I know it hurts. Auntie would have made you take the meds" Akane said, her voice trembling slightly over the mention of Asuka.

More than two weeks since her death and Akane still shuddered at the memory, clutching her necklace close to her. Akane was doing better, the girl able to laugh again, but death changed people. Shinji and his daughter. Asuka was another ghost that haunted him, but Shinji was getting used to that, as terrible as it was to admit.

It didn't make it easier, it was just a fact.

"You let me worry about that. It's my job to look after you, not the other way around" Shinji said crouching down so he was eye level with his daughter.

Akane tilted her head at him, red eyes watching him unblinkingly, before seeming to slump as she shook her head saying "okay." Pouting slightly, whilst mature for her age, she was still a little girl.

Shinji put a hand on her shoulder, his good hand, stopping her before she walked off to her room.

"You don't have to be so serious all the time, eh girl. Leave it the grown ups to take care of that. You're a kid. You gotta enjoy that, alright" Shinji said softly.

"But you're serious all the time. Like… everyday." Akane countered.

"I'm old" Shinji told her.

"No you're not. We talked about this. You're not a fossil. Not yet" Akane said offering up a small smile. The first one Shinji had seen since the funeral.

Shinji sighed saying "I may not be a fossil, but trust me… I'm getting old. I feel old."

Akane crossed her arms at that but said nothing.

"Go and play. But don't go too far. Always stay within in the neighborhood." Shinji told her, reaching down to ruffle her hair.

Akane signed and before taking off, still dressed in her morning gown and sleeping pants. The girl had a habit of playing outside in the morning before coming back in for launch.

Shinji watched her go and was left standing in the empty hallway. It shouldn't have bothered him, but it did. He glanced down at Asuka's old room.

Mari was staying there, still recovering after Shinji had saved her. His guest for the time being. The room brought back old memories every time he stepped in. Of the years gone bye in haven, of building this home. Of his family.

They're gone. That's that. It's not good to dwell on it. Nothing good would ever come of it he thought before shaking it off. Heading over to check on his guest.

Mari was pretending to be asleep when Shinji stepped in. Covering herself in the blanket and keeping her eyes shut.

He stood there watching over her, before saying "I know you're awake."

Mari opened her eyes and sighed.

The older woman was getting better with each passing day, and eating a decent amount of food was doing wonders for her. Whenever Shinji had helped change her bandages, he'd seen the thin marks on her stomach and the small outlines of bone underneath her flesh, she'd been underweight. In the process of starving.

She'd still had some fat, the moderate amount every human had, but the world had taken it's toll on her. Lack of food and the harsh climate had weathered her.

"Nothing gets past you" Mari said, caught in the act. No skipping the doctor's regimen with Shinji on watch.

Mari winced as she sat up in her new found bed, the blanket sliding off her shoulders and revealing the old farming clothes she'd been borrowing. The dirt stained white clothes fit her a bit loosely, but it was all they had to spare.

Shinji looked her over as she winced, keeping an eye out for another 'incident' the strange woman seemed to have.

Apart from her injuries, Mari seemed to have a medical issue of some kind. She didn't bring it up and Shinji never asked but he noticed. Times where Mari would stop doing whatever she was doing, and 'freeze' as she murmured harshly under her breath. Like a kind of migraine but worse. Mari couldn't move until it was gone.

The effect left the strange woman breathing hard once it passed, but then it was gone for another day or two. Mari seemed more embarrassed by it than anything, but she was hurt.

"Comes with being a parent. No kid wants to do chores" Shinji said dryly. He saw Mari chuckle softly under her breath, wheezing slightly from the ache in her ribs.

Shinji kept an eye out for her. Mari seemed okay this morning, though Makio had a few ideas on her condition. But that would come later, for now they needed to work on her stab wounds. Let her stomach and chest repair itself, and stay flexible so she could walk.

Mari smiled softly at him and his stance. She found it oddly sweet how he looked after her every morning, watching in case she ripped her stitching. The man she knew as Shinji Ikari seemed to always carry an air of a 'parent' or else 'a good man' in everything he did. She hadn't thought that existed anymore.

"I'm sure Akane manages just fine. From what I see she's like a mini you, walking around like a grown up" Mari said with a small laugh. Making small talk, she did that from time to time. Now that she started to talk again she would chat about anything. Speaking but never really 'saying' anything of worth. Avoiding certain topics.

The poor woman looked like she hadn't smiled in a long time. Given what life was like outside of Haven, he couldn't blame her at all. He was glad that she could laugh after all she'd been through, glad to see the sparks of humanity lingering in the wounded woman.

"How's your ribs? Think you can handle a little walking" Shinji asked, gesturing at the bandages underneath her shirt.

Just knew he was going to do that… damn… why couldn't he let me sleep Mari thought fighting the need to sigh.

Because it's for your own good. You need to walk everyday. Doctor's orders. Shinji thought, crossing his arms and seeming to know what Mari was thinking.

...

Getting Mari up and about was easier these days. The stab wounds were properly bandaged with little to no traces of infection, but she still ached in pain for hours at a time, moving stiffly if at all. Wincing as she took steps.

Shinji helped her along, letting her wrap an arm over his shoulder as he lead her out back from his little shack. Being carefully not to move too quickly, and letting Mari take steps on her own.

"Ah! Motherfu…. Nothing" Mari stammered, wincing as she stumbled and her weight shifted badly. Her still aching ribs protesting the entire time.

"Language" Shinji told her. I have a kid, don't talk like that around here. He thought.

Mari sighed, no longer able to keep it in. "Sorry" she mumbled.

"Don't be. Just try not to swear" Shinji answered back with a shrug.

Mari nodded again, feeling slightly guilty, letting Shinji help her along with her workouts. It still hurt like crazy, but this unusually kind man seemed to understand better than most.

It was odd for Shinji, helping Mari get back on her feet. It reminded of him of his first 135 days after Third Impact, back when it had been just Asuka and him surviving out there in the city. Those days where Asuka could barely walk, where he'd had to care for her despite her hating him. Hating him for a long time, before that hatred faded and they'd become family.

Perhaps it was a sign of him getting older, but he found himself reflecting on his past more and more. More faces washed way within his lifetime. So much... gone.

Mari seemed to notice that too. Seeing that Shinji had a past, a shadow in his eyes that she could not follow. Even now, as the two of them walked, she could see it. The lingering shade that haunted the man whom had saved her.

She was still a stranger to him even now. A stranger to all of Haven even. The town sheriff had a habit of showing up to 'inspect' the household. Checking up on Shinji and making sure Mari didn't try anything.

The idea made Mari flair up in anger. She wasn't without sin… but damn that sheriff, 'Kay', for judging her so quickly. For deciding she was trouble without a second glance.

As if I'd do anything to Shinji. That man is a fucking saint. He saved me. Took me in and treated me better than anyone has in years. Doesn't beat me. Doesn't boss me around. Jeez, we're not all broken out there. Mari had thought to herself more than once.

She spoke up, shaking the old thoughts, and bringing Shinji out of his past. The poor man had a habit of wandering in that head of his.

"You've done this before... playing nurse. What were you... back before the Impact?" Mari asked suddenly.

She was panting slightly, flexing her legs and careful not to strain her chest and accidentally tug on her stitches.

"I was a 14 year old kid." Shinji said with a shrug. Letting Mari slide from his shoulder and prop herself up against a tree. Technically it was true, he had been a kid before the Impact.

Mari sighing, either at his answer or the relief from walking, and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Don't be a smart ass. Come on, what were you? A volunteer at a hospital?" Mari asked.

Shinji tilted his head at her. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you" he said.

The two of them stood there, Shinji calmly standing but keeping his distance from the recovering albeit friendly woman resting against the tree.

"The world ended 18 years ago. I think I could believe it. Let me guess... your parents were doctors?" Mari said, actually managing a smile as she tried to guess his past. It was reassuring to see that she could smile, for days Shinji had only seen her limping, or moaning weakly as her wounds healed. Sleeping most of the day.

Does it really matter anymore. Angels are gone. Gendo and SEELE are gone. No one cares anymore Shinji thought.

He consider it for a moment before deciding on the truth.

"I was an Eva pilot" Shinji said. The Eva pilot that failed to stop Third Impact... whom made a choice and made this world he thought darkly.

Mari laughed. Looking at him expectantly, smiling as she waited for the real answer.

When Shinji shook his head, Mari's face fell. Not in fear but in shock.

"No shit?" She asked.

Language he thought.

"No shit, I piloted an Evangelion Unit." Shinji said, parroting her earlier words. He spoke dryly, simply a fact. He didn't bolster, didn't brag, he didn't think it was something to be proud of at all. It had been harrowing experience, fighting the Angels, but it had also been where he'd found his family.

Mari was looking at him with round eyes. Bits of beauty visible there, the light behind those eyes having been beaten down by the world but not extinguished. She stood in awe of him, seemingly picturing him inside an Eva and going off to fight the monsters.

"You fought the Angels. Damn Shinji, that's hardcore" Mari said more talking to herself than him. Imagine that, a younger Shinji fighting monsters in a giant robot. I... I'm jealous she thought.

She sees me as a young hero, a stupid cocky kid from a manga, towering over the Angels. No Mari, it was nothing like that. 'I' was nothing like that he thought.

"I was a kid. I still had school and chores. It wasn't fun and games, Mari. It was hard at times, very hard, and dangerous" Shinji said darkly. He hadn't really considered it too much when he was 14, but Shinji was older now. He wouldn't want Akane piloting, it wasn't right to put kids into the Eva.

Mari heard him but a part of him thought she would never see it like he did. There was a shine in her eyes that he'd never seen before. She might have been the kind of person whom enjoyed piloting. There were people like that, Asuka had been like that, but not Shinji. Never Shinji.

"You know... I got tested for that. The Marduk Institute screened me and everything, but they let me go. Heh, think I scared them away" Mari said, smirking to herself in a way that seemed to erase a few hard years off her face. He thought she might have been pretty before the End of the World.

It was both strange and pleasant to see how far Mari had come in her recovery. Talking, walking, and so much more 'alive' than when he'd first found her.

"Really?"

"Really."

35 or so. Hmm, she must have been what... 17 years old? 17 when Asuka, Rei, and I were 14 and piloting Shinji thought.

"Heard about the Evas on the news, but it never went anywhere for me. Bad luck" Mari said with the smallest of shrugs.

No Mari, good luck Shinji thought.

He knew she was avoiding her physical therapy but he let her have the break. The woman had been through enough, he didn't want to push and he hoped she would tell him about her past when she was ready. He only hoped Kay would understand that.

"Think you can handle a bit more walking? Doctor's orders remember" Shinji said.

Mari gave him a coy look before relenting. He reached over helping Mari steady herself, before getting her moving again. Mari noticed that he never pushed her for her story, never bothered to question her.

Shinji Ikari truly was a kind man in her eyes.

Part 3 : Fault

At lunch time, Shinji found himself sitting outside again with Mari and pouring her a bowl of stew.

Mari unusually quiet as she ate, sitting on the porch and staring at the food again. It was hard for her to accept such kindness.

Shinji didn't seem to want anything from Mari, and that was so different than anyone she'd ever known.

He didn't threaten her, didn't ask for a reward of any kind, whether physical or monetary, he just took care of her as her wounds healed. Making sure she got enough to eat, that alone was a miracle. Years surviving out in the wastelands had taken it's toll on her.

Yet apart from his daughter, this kind man was often distant. Never cold, but apart from the world. Isolated, as if alone. Lost in thoughts or memories she could not follow, Shinji almost never smiled unless for Akane.

Mari sat there, resting on the porch whilst Shinji cooked. Keeping the blanket Akane had given her close, wrapping it over herself again despite being reasonably warm. It felt good to have such things again. Food, clothes, and yes… moments of peace.

She glanced at the man's bad hand, watching as he sat taking another bite of stew. Three fingers on his right hand where there should have been five.

"I… does that ever hurt?" Mari asked in a low murmur. Her voice strained as she flexed her own fingers.

Shinji glanced up from his bowl, more surprised than anything else.

"Sometimes. It's not so bad, at least I still have the hand" Shinji answered.

"How did it happen? Was… was it an accident" Mari asked. Forcing herself to keep calm even as her insides were screaming at her to stop asking questions. To not bring it up, knowing that she would not like the answer her savior gave her.

You already know what happened... Mari thought to herself.

Shinji glanced down at his bad hand, before he looked away with a shrug, seemingly pushing whatever thoughts he had away.

"I got shot. During the attack, I tried to push the gun away. Looter pulled the trigger just as my hand was on the barrel." Shinji said. Letting the facts out without emotion. It surprised her that he was able to do that.

Inwardly, she winced as if in pain. Why did she ask? Of course that would have been the answer. Everything came back to that night.

Her lips trembled in a mixture of shame and guilt, sensations Mari had not felt in years. She covered it up by taking another gulp of the warm stew. Her hands trembled even as Shinji continued.

"Bullet tore through my fingers. Cut through the bone. Felt like my hand was on fire at the time, screaming at me, but I was able to hold it together until the doctor patched it up" Shinji said.

The man never even took his eyes off the food, eating calmly and speaking of it like it was nothing. What must he have been through in his life that he could brush off losing two fingers?

"I'm sorry" Mari said turning her eyes away from him. Lost in this feeling in her chest, like a weight had appeared and punched her in the gut. Shinji didn't notice, or if he did, he didn't seem to care.

"Not your fault" was all Shinji said.

No… but… but I was there Mari thought.

…

Night of the looting and Asuka's death

"Just be quiet. Grab what you can and keep going. Don't you dare freeze up again." Norio hissed quietly at her through the dark.

"This is bad idea… they have guns and-" Mari whispered back through the dark.

"I have a gun too" Norio said glaring at her through the dark. The older man dressed in rags, dirt and ash lining his clothing and hair, pointed his pistol at her.

Mari stepped back hands held up in the dark, glaring at him.

They stood in the fields, bags swung over their shoulders, stolen crops packed. Mari forced along just like the others.

If you don't pull your weight than no food for you. Don't like it. LEAVE! Words from Norio and the gang of looters. Words repeated again and again over the months Mari had been 'taken' and 'invited' in with them.

"Alright. Alright Norio" Mari said calming herself, staring down the man and his gun with steady eyes. That always unnerved Norio, her ability to stand up and face death head on, the only captive to do so. But he had the weapon. And his fists packed a hell of a punch when it came to it.

Her 'captor' lowered the gun. "We keep going" Norio said gesturing for her to keep grabbing crops to steal.

How many days we go without food? Huh? How long have we lived off scraps and expired canned crap! These stupid farmers have the golden life. Not our problem they couldn't share it – Norio's words every time she protested.

Mari scowled inwardly. Ripping the crops from the ground and packing them into the bag, her captor and her moving through the fields under the cover of night.

BANG

A single gunshot ripped through the air.

"That's our food" a woman's voice came out from somewhere outside. Haven wasn't defenseless after all, one of the looters had been shot.

"We have enough. Let's just go-" Mari began to whisper but Norio took off after the gunshot. The man seemed to hate Haven and everyone whom lived here, jealous of the life the people had carved out for themselves after the End of the World.

Mari crept along in in the dark, breathing quietly. Knowing what the others would do to her if she came back without Norio.

BANG

BANG

BANG

BANG

Four shots. Norio pulling the trigger four times on the woman whom had shot one of his men.

Mari hid in the dark along the crops. Watching as Asuka lay bleeding, watching as Shinji tackled Norio and pushed the gun away… never knowing their names. Watched as Norio's gun went off in Shinji's hand, as Shinji and Norio fought.

The two men a flurry of twisting movements as they grappled and punched in the dark. Mari witnessed Asuka with her last moments grab the hunting rifle and shoot Norio's foot. Saw the splatter of blood as Norio's ankle exploded and he sent falling to the floor.

Mari watching in horror as Shinji beat Norio's face in with his fist again and again.

Frozen in fear, Mari lay on the ground. Hiding in the fields. If she went back to camp without Norio the others wouldn't be happy, they might even beat her despite the food she'd stolen for them.

Kay and the other hunters arrived on the scene, pulling Shinji off of Norio's battered and beaten form.

What would Haven do to me? Would they kill me? Would they help me? I- I don't know Mari thought.

In the end, she crawled away. Using the cover of night to sneak through the fields and make it back to the woods. Mari was glad that the bastard Norio was gone… but afraid of what the others would do to her when she made it back to camp, stolen crops or no.

What else could she have done?

…

"Can I have some more?"

Mari glanced up, returning to the here and now, to see little Akane sitting next to her father with a bowl in hand. Necklace tired firmly around her neck, the girl never went anywhere without it.

"You just ate one bowl" Shinji said with a bemused expression. Mari watched the pair, fighting the feelings of guilt in her chest. The overwhelming urge to run, the feeling that she did not deserve the kindness this man had shown her.

"I'm a growing girl." Akane pouted. Raising the bowl up.

Shinji smiled softly. The only time he ever smiled it seemed. The light in his eyes reserved only for his daughter, Mari noticed that. She wondered what had happened to him. What had made this kind man so distant and isolated at times.

God… Mari felt like such an intruder here.

"Fine. But only one refill." Shinji said taking her bowl and moving to get his daughter a second serving.

Akane spotted Mari watching her, and turned with a raised eyebrow.

"Is there something on my face? You're doing the adult stare, something's bothering you" Akane said tilting her head at Mari. The little girl watching her curiously.

I didn't kill your auntie... but I didn't save her either... I'm sorry Mari thought.

"No... nothing's wrong. Just... just hungry too" Mari said stumbling over her words. Playing it off like her ribs had started to hurt again.

"Could have just said so" Shinji said, refilling her bowl of stew along with his daughter's.

Another kindness Mari didn't feel she deserved.

Part 4 : Mari's place in Haven

Mari decided to tell Shinji and the others at Haven her story, though not the whole truth. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't afraid of what they'd do if she told the complete truth. But Shinji could only keep the Sheriff's suspicions at bay for so long. She knew she had to tell them something.

Shinji was there when it happened, helping Mari to the mayor's house. Kay standing guard with his rifle, lingering in the background but clearly present.

"Just tell them what you told me" Shinji whispered as he helped her take a seat across from the mayor.

Tough as nails old bird. Mayor is old enough to have to lived through both Second and Third Impact... damn... one kickass lady Mari thought. Sitting across from the elderly woman, trying to be calm whilst all eyes in the room were on her.

"I was trying to sneak into Haven. I admit that. I was starving... I just wanted food. I tried to steal your crops but I failed" Mari half lied, mixing the truth with fiction despite the nagging feeling in her chest.

Shinji saved her again, speaking for her whilst the mayor stared at her. Adding to her story, and making Mari feel even worse. Why was this man so kind?

"It was a different incident than the night than with the looters. Maybe a day after we attacked their camp out in the woods. She stumbled upon a few of the stragglers that got away, they stabbed her and took what supplies off her they could." Shinji said. Defending Mari from the gazes of Haven's mayor and sheriff.

That part was actually true, to a certain extent. The truth flashed through Mari's mind in a whirl.

…

Mari making it back to the camp in the woods. Bringing the stolen crops, panting as the looters asked where Norio was. Punishing her for losing one of their men. Mari glaring as she was called out for returning late and on her own.

The attack on the camp.

Shinji... he had actually been on the assault team and she didn't realize it at the time. But they were both there that day. Mari had ran away, panting the entire way as gunshots went off around the camp. Haven's militia vs the looters.

Mari escaping with a few others. Hiding deeper into the woods with nowhere else to go. The others yelling at her that she had betrayed them. Mari yelling back that she almost died too.

"You're a mole! You lead them to the camp!"

"I almost died! We shouldn't have stolen that food! I told Norio too! They... they have guns" Mari shouted back.

Five surviving looters in all. Mari trying to argue that it was pointless to stay. That they couldn't live off stealing from Haven.

A fight broke out. One man stabbed her.

Just reached over and plunged the knife into her. Calling her a traitor and a rat.

Mari screamed. Before fighting back, falling to the floor with her attacker as the other looters ran. The whole group having fallen apart. Fear cannot hold people together forever.

Mari barely survived, managing to bash her attacker's head in with a rock.

Weeping softly as she stumbled alone through woods, bleeding heavily... stabbed twice before she had taken down her attacker. Wandering through the outskirts of Haven.

Trying to hold herself together for what seemed like days before collapsing in the middle of nowhere... where she would later be found by Shinji.

...

Lying to Shinji was the hardest thing Mari had ever done.

"And you believe that story?" Kay asked suddenly. Completely ignoring Mari, with cold military eyes only for Shinji.

"I do" Shinji said.

The mayor spoke up, catching them all by surprise.

"How long did you wander out in the wastes outside Haven?"

The old woman was looking at Mari curiously. A mind still active despite her age, Mari seeing the harsh wisdom beyond those eyes. Like the mayor could read most of Mari's life post Impact with just a glance.

"... 18 years" Mari answered slowly.

"And in all that time. You did things. Things you weren't proud of. Stealing? Looting? Perhaps falling in with some bad people or else wandering alone. That sound about right?" the Mayor said. Stern old eyes never leaving Mari.

She knows what its like... she's seen all this before. Second Impact Mari thought.

Mari only nodded, feeling the weight in her chest grow as Shinji looked her way. Concerned frown planted on his face.

"Shinji, you've looked after her all this time. You tell me, can she stay here? Is she willing to work for her keep." the Mayor said looking to Shinji. The rest of them forgotten it seemed.

Is she trustworthy? The words hanged in the air unsaid.

"She is" Shinji said before bowing his head respectfully to the mayor, and turning to Mari to continue. "If you pull your weight, help out the village, than you have a home here" Shinji said to her. Eyes earnest with a soft warmth to them. It never quite reached out, held back by something cold and distant within him, an old sorrow that she couldn't follow, but in spite of everything Shinji was still a good man.

"I will work for my stay" Mari said. The words coming as if spoken from a different person. It wasn't that she was insincere, it was that she couldn't stop feeling disgusted with herself.

In what kind of world did she deserve this?

…

"What happens now?" Mari asked on their way out.

Shinji walking beside her on the way back to his little shack. A few neighbors staring as the two of them passed, not outwardly hostile, merely curious at Mari's presence. By now word had started to spread that she would be staying, and gossip spreads fast in small settlements.

"Now you focus on your treatment. We'll sort out living arrangements later." Shinji said, his face softening as little Akane came running up from the porch.

Mari watched him greeted his daughter, the man kneeling down and chatting with Akane about something or other, the little girl tilting her head at him in that way of hers.

Living arrangements? Do… will I have to leave? Mari thought. Feeling cold in her chest all of a sudden. Standing there watching the kind man with his daughter.

Shinji didn't kick her out the house. Instead he keep treating her as his guest and helping her find her footing in Haven. Getting her to start doing simple tasks before heading off with Akane to work in the fields.

In the passing days, Mari found herself almost at full strength. The steady supply of food and sleep having done wonders for her. It felt like something out of a dream. The closest the thing to the old world that existed.

Haven didn't have electricity, according to Shinji they never really had. It was too hard to maintain a grid and no one had the knowledge and skills needed. The village was like stepping a hundred years back in time, but it was a true settlement after the End of the World.

Mari found herself sweeping floors, feeding the chickens at the town pen, helping where she could, proving she could stay. Funny, she'd never thought she'd liked a life like this. When she was younger she'd always been about adventure, going out and trying different things, wild and trying to enjoy life… as well as she could in spite of her medical condition.

The 'mini seizures' that had plagued her as she got older. Those moments where she froze in pain, head throbbing in agony, barely able to move before it passed. Mari tried to hide it, but she was sure Shinji had seen it at least a few times. Her condition.

Shinji was always good to her. Akane more curious than anything. The little girl trailing after her father, necklace clutched tightly in her hands, tilting her head at the oddest things.

When it came time to decide, Mari found herself anxious.

Walking slowly through the fields of Haven, the fields she had once crept through stealing crops, she found Shinji finishing up his work out there. His daughter heading home as the sun started to set, her father telling her to 'go on, I'll catch up.'

He spotted her as she stood off to the side waiting for him to finish up. Mari standing there dressed in the field clothes of another woman, someone she never learned the name of. Auntie.

32… but he looks older than me now. Mari noted, seeing the sweating and tired Shinji Ikari look up from his crops to meet her gaze.

"Something up?" he asked.

Mari shifted uncomfortably as the kind man rose, stretching ever so slightly. A world weariness present in his movements.

"I… I just wanted to talk about where I can stay. If… if I can just stay with you… just like these last few weeks" Mari said. Getting the words out in a stammer. It was so out of character for her, feeling guilty and unsure of herself.

Shinji shifted, more curious than anything else.

"Wouldn't you want your own place? It would take time, but we could get you a shack of your own." Shinji said after a short pause.

And live alone out here? I'm still an outsider Shinji. The others just don't understand what's it like out beyond Haven. The wastelands. I know you're not a native. Knew since I laid eyes on you. You've known loss and it shows. You don't judge because you've seen more than most Mari thought.

Amazingly, Shinji seemed to hear her thoughts. Seemed to know what she thinking and agreed. The way he held himself, the way Shinji met her gaze.

I have to tell him... I have to tell him... it's what 'he' would do. Mari thought. Seeing Shinji considering things, about having her live with him and his daughter. Shinji had already done so much for Mari... and she'd lied to him. It couldn't go on.

"Wait... I... I need to tell you something... the truth" Mari said suddenly, before Shinji could answer her previous question.

Mari found herself shaking, part of her screaming to run away. That this was a bad idea, that she could get killed if Shinji knew the truth. But another part of her, some small light that had never quite faded, told her that Shinji was a good man. And if he ended up hating her than maybe she deserved to be hated.

"I lied. Back in the town hall. There's more to my story" Mari said, hands shaking but voice firm and steady.

"... I know" Shinji answered slowly.

Mari gasped. She looked up to see him watching her with unreadable expression on his face. His eyes having gone distant again. Somewhere else where she couldn't follow. It made Shinji Ikari look older than he was.

He knew I was lying to the Mayor and Sheriff Kay. He knew the whole time Mari thought in awe.

"You were at the looter's camp. During our assault, I saw you there, in the fire fight, running for your life. I just didn't remember right away. Four women were in that group, Kay killed two, we buried everyone who died that day, and the surviving looters must have escaped further into the woods." Shinji said, his words cutting like a knife through Mari's ribs.

Shinji didn't accost her, didn't lash out, didn't rage. He simply spoke the words and let them carry. Fact, nothing more.

"Whatever happened to you, it wasn't us. Not Haven's militia. We didn't use knives during the assault. After that, there were two incidents at night. Looters trying to steal food again, but no one reported stabbing an assailant. Sigh. I take it that after you and the survivors escaped the camp... a fight broke out and you were stabbed." Shinji continued somberly.

Mari stood there in shock, dread filling her every nerve. Asuka's old clothes feeling like they weight a thousand pounds on her, guilt laid bare.

"How long did you know?" Mari asked eyes wide.

Shinji sighed again, glancing at his shack where his daughter was waiting for him. Before turning back to Mari.

"I think I suspected when I first found you. And over the days, I pieced together that much" Shinji said.

"That's not all. Shinji, you've been good to me. Better than anyone has in years... there's more and you need to know." Mari said unable to even look at him. Eyes planted firmly on the soil at her feet.

"We've all done things we're not proud of Mari. That's the world we live in now. I shot people on my way to Haven. I killed people to defend it." Shinji said darkly.

"No, this is... this is something I need to tell you. About your friend... about Akane's Auntie." Mari said.

Shinji shifted, stumbling back, as Mari's words.

Mari told him the truth. That she was there the night Asuka died. She was there when Norio shot the German girl, there the night Shinji lost two fingers... she was there stealing crops as ordered.

Shinji listened to her tale. Mari couldn't bring herself to meet his gaze, so she didn't. Telling the truth once and for all.

When it was over, Mari wasn't sure if Shinji wanted to hug her or punch her. She waited there, wondering what he was thinking.

"Why did you join the looters, Mari?" Shinji asked. Face unreadable, eying her curiously. Almost pityingly.

"It doesn't matter. Norio was a piece of crap, a bad man who beat me more than once, but I still ran with the looters. I still tried to steal your crops." Mari said. Harsh words leaving her mouth, almost biting her own tongue.

She heard footsteps approaching and looked up to see Shinji striding over to her. She took an involuntary step back but Shinji stopped her. Placing his bad hand on her shoulder not ungently, and guiding her to look at him.

Actually look at him. Three mangled fingers resting on her shoulder.

He... he doesn't hate me. How the hell does he not hate me? Mari thought barely able to believe it.

"You're sick, I've seen it" Shinji said softly.

Mari watched him with trembling eyes.

"That's why you ran with the looters. Isn't it? The incidents where you 'freeze', where your head hurts and you can barely move. That's why you stayed with Norio, safety in numbers out in the wastelands" Shinji said softly. Eyes piercing into her very soul.

Mari laughed coldly at first. Eyes darkening as she told him the truth for a second time.

"I've been sick for a long time, Shinji. Before the Impact, the doctors told me I had a few years to live, but I just kept on living. Surviving. Even now, I'm still here... and my illness holds me back" Mari said darkly.

There was no point in denying it. Shinji and even Akane had noticed Mari's incidents, like tiny seizures that held her prisoner in her own body for minutes at a time.

"When I was a kid... I had problems. I was 'too adventurous'. The 'loss of inhibition' doctors called it. I did dangerous things... like climbing things when I shouldn't. Liked trying to drive a car. I liked the rush even before I was ten years old. Always hyper. It started small but my folks were worried, thought I had 'mania'. So they sent me to get 'help' at a mental word." Mari told him.

Shinji standing stunned at her words.

Hyperactive, always a ball of energy. Loud and without fear. The polar opposite of depression... took them too long to see what it was. Mania and abnormal behavior Mari thought.

"It was pretty lonely in the ward. I spent almost eight years there. I was sick, but it was worse than anyone realized. The ward doctors found the cause when I was older. Around 16 or so. Saw the signs for what they were, that I started to have seizures. I had brain tumors. It had been there for years, tiny little things, hidden deep. A ticking time bomb in my head... by the time they found it... too late" Mari admitted at last. All warmth gone from her voice.

"... I'm sorry. I- I didn't know" Shinji had told her. He hadn't expected that. Instrumentality may have brought her back, but it didn't seemed to have cured her. The 'incidents' Mari had.

Mari shook her head at him, waving off the pity.

"The doctors said the tumors were inoperable. And no amount of money could change that. So they tried to keep me comfortable. Said I wouldn't live long. I- I tried not to talk about it. I just tried to live my life... to go on little adventures in the ward" Mari continued with a sad smile.

"And they let you out. You got better? No... that's not it" Shinji said slowly.

"Stupid doctors said I had a year to live at best. They told my folks that when I was just a teenager. But I proved them wrong. I NEVER died. I just kept on living" Mari said, small smirk emerging onto her face. Faded and worn, but an inner strength in there too. A will to keep going.

"I made them take me off the chemo, and they let me go. I was doing okay out in the real world. Had those little 'incidents' but I was careful. Had medicine for it too. Then the Impact came... and well... 18 years later and here we are" Mari said at last.

Even now, without any of the chemotherapy treatments, without any medicine, she was alive.

18 years of surviving out in the wastelands of Japan. Wandering in search of a piece of life. It must have been hard in her condition. The mini seizures slowing her down, a prisoner in her own body for minutes at a time... no wonder she had to join a group. Mari survived the end of the world and her condition. Shinji thought darkly.

"My condition is hard for me to talk about. It's just something I've grown to deal with. Never let it slow me down. If I can still have fun then it can't all be bad" Mari said offering him up a weak smile in spite of everything.

Mari was a strange woman. Able to shoulder all that but somehow keep that attitude of hers. That was crazy... just moving on like that. A part of him admired that in her.

The smile fell from Mari's face, the outsider sighing softly as she shifted on uncertain feet.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to lie to you. About the looters... about... about Asuka and your hand. I thought you'd turn me over to the sheriff if you knew, and I... you've been good to me. I just needed to tell you the truth." Mari said at last.

Shinji stood there considering all he heard. He had guessed most of Mari's story, but even still a part of him understood. A part of him wanted them to be better. A world with good people in it, where Akane could live without the terror and brutal pragmatism they had.

Mari flinched as she heard Shinji's footsteps, the man walking back towards his little shack and his waiting daughter.

So that's it... no goodbye... I understand Shinji. Thank you... for everything I- Mari thought.

"You can stay. I'll tell Akane, just... just don't tell her about your past. We'll have to clean Asuka's old room a bit, but I think you'll be fine" Shinji said, his back to her.

Mari stood there in awe once again. Shinji Ikari truly was unlike anyone she had ever known.

"Thank you... Shinji" Mari whispered, slowly coming to her senses and following after him.

Why? The words went unsaid, but Shinji could feel Mari's eyes on him the entire time. He wasn't in mood for talking, he had mixed feelings about what Mari had told him.

I don't hate you Mari. You did what you had to do. To survive. And all this because of a choice I made when I was 14 years old... so no... I can't blame 'you' at all Shinji thought.

That was what truly haunted Shinji, the world he had made so long ago. He could never speak truthfully about it, not anymore. Not since his wife.

Part 5: Only Human

The following days, weeks, and even months were somewhat strained at first. But gradually, ever so slowly, they settled. Homey, even.

Mari joining Shinji and Akane for breakfast and lunch more and more. Akane glancing at Mari every now and then, whilst the older woman pretended not to notice. Mari making small talk with Shinji, sipping at her drink, catching Akane watching her again.

"Don't be rude Akane" Shinji said one day. Never yelling, never cold, only ever calm with his daughter. Yet his words carried all the same. Akane pouting as she behaved.

It made Mari feel bad. She knew it was hard for the girl, a 'stranger' coming in to live with her and her father.

Mari grew more and more into their little family there in Haven. Going out of her way to be helpful, helping Shinji cut firewood, mend fences and doors, feed the town chickens, stepping out in the fields to help with the crops.

"You're doing it wrong" Akane would tell the older lady, Mari watching bemused as she worked alongside Shinji.

The little girl with red eyes running after Mari to correct her, telling Mari that she was 'farming wrong' or else 'doing it the hard way', all the while the shadow of a smile appeared on Shinji's face.

More often than not, Akane was right, there were things Mari just didn't know how to do. She had grown up in a mental ward, then lived out in the city for little over a year before the Impact came. She didn't know the first thing about farming

"Don't be dumb. You're a grown up" Akane would tell her repeatedly.

"For a kid you're pretty smart" Mari would answer back, mildly annoyed but reminding herself that Akane was a child.

"I learn from watching my dad, and auntie." Akane would say proudly.

At least Akane did, until she started getting older and Shinji surprised the both of them one day by dropping a smaller shovel at his daughter's feet.

"Time to pitch in" was all Shinji said with a bemused look in his eye. Akane gaping at her father in shock.

"But I was going to play-" Akane started.

"You can show Mari how its done. You learned from watching me, right? Plenty of time to play later" Shinji said with a knowing look in his eyes. All his lessons were like that, never shouting or reprimanding, only a calm response meant to teach.

Mari had to fight the urge to laugh at the pouting look on Akane's face.

The little girl groaning as she took up the shovel and followed after her father. The other Haven farmers snickering at the look on Akane's face, Mari happy to see that side of the man whom saved her.

…

Akane still griped with Mari, but only showing her to how to do things the 'right way' instead of just picking on her. The girl had learned her lesson about being too 'pushy', and Shinji let her off light on chores as usual.

Mari was grateful for it. It was like having a home again. Akane growing on her, and Mari growing on Akane, and Shinji watching over them. Or so Mari had thought.

Shinji himself was still distant at times. Haunted by so much sorrow at times. Isolated and detached from the world, even as he worked everyday, cooked for them, spent time with his daughter and read stories to her, a lingering shadow in his eyes. It only ever lifted for Akane, no one else.

When the bad times came, when Mari had her seizures, Shinji would come to her and pat her on the back gently. Holding onto her shoulder as she strained her brows, and murmured softly her breath, the pain inside her head stopping her in her tracks.

Akane was scared by it, the little girl watching her with wide eyes until Mari recovered. It was… nice… the two of them looking out for her, letting her now she wasn't alone. Then when it passed, and she assured them she was fine, they continued on. Never made a big deal about it.

The town doctor had told them there was nothing he could do, and Mari was fine with that. She knew she should have died years and years ago, but nothing beat her down. Mari had lived 18 years beyond what the Pre-Impact doctors predicted, and she was determined to live life her way as long as she could.

20 years after Third Impact
2 years after Mari moved in

Shinji didn't know how it happened. He was out in the fields one day, resting up, Akane off playing her with friends, and Mari had come to join him.

Sitting beside him on a tree stump and handing him a bowl of stew. She'd gotten better at cooking since moving in with them.

They talked a bit, Mari at ease with him, laying her head against his shoulder. Shinji listening but not adding much, he wasn't much for talking unless he had something to say these days. Something even Akane teased him about.

When suddenly, Mari had kissed him.

It had been such a little thing. Just a touch of the lips on his mouth, a curious test, a fleeting moment of intimacy... that Shinji did not return. Lips were curious things indeed, they said as much about a person as their hands and eyes did, the movements, the gentle or rough presses that occurred when kissing.

Mari's was gentle, not as gentle or full of joy and the hope for fulfillment that had been Rei, no Mari was a different kind of gentle. Hesitant, worried, loneliness that bit at the curve of her lips.

It stunned Shinji.

He would be lying if he said he hadn't been lonely himself. He hadn't had any physical contact like this since his wife died, the intimacy that comes was such things, not simply kiss or even sex, the subtle sensations of pleasures that emerged from the nerves under his skin, the sensations that lived in all humans.

His wedding ring, old and tattered clunk of metal, weighed heavily on him. And he didn't kiss back, Shinji simply sat there frozen... before turning away.

The air around them stilled. Mari watching on with soft hollow eyes as Shinji turned away.

"I'm sorry" Shinji said, his voice barely a whisper.

Mari glanced down, somehow that small gap between them and their seats seemed much larger, like a universe stood between them.

"No, I'm sorry... I've just wanted to do that for a long time now" Mari told him. Sad smile emerging on her lips.

Shinji watched her, seeing that glint of hope falling from her eyes, not gone, but fading, another road her life could have taken... yet refused.

…

"You two are quiet today. Is that a grown up thing now?" Akane asked, the ever aging girl looking between Shinji and Mari at the dinner table of their little shack.

She'd gotten taller in two years, sharper too, catching things much quicker than she had when she was younger.

"No I-"

"Everything is-"

Shinji and Mari said at the same time. Akane looking between the two again. It would have been funny, it should have been, but it wasn't. Too much uncertainty, too much misunderstanding and mixed feeling to find any humor in it at all.

…

Akane learned not to bring it up, but quietly she asked her father if something was wrong.

"No nothing's wrong" Shinji would tell her. And he saw that look in her eyes that said she didn't believe, but she respected him enough to let it go.

He loved his daughter for that.

…

"If hurts that's much... you can forget that it happened. It was a spur of the moment thing, I couldn't help it." Mari told him one day.

The two of them were doing laundry. Washing and folding clothes by hand, hanging the outfits outside to dry when needed, speaking privately away from the neighbors.

Shinji paused at that. He'd been avoiding Mari the past four days, the weight of his wedding ring ever present. His heart aching along with that weight.

"I'm not mad" Shinji told her softly, unable to look at her. He wasn't angry, truly he wasn't. He had trouble looking at her. 34 years, old and he was still bad with people.

"I never said you were" Mari told him sweetly. Oddly soft with him. She'd harden in the years she'd lived with him.

Tougher, that quiet strength that bite back against her illness, her ability to survive and keep going, learning to farm and pull her weight. 37 years old, and she was still beautiful in her own way, worn and torn down but never broken.

Mari sighed and put a hand to his cheek, forcing him to look at her. He stopped folding the old dirt stained shirts.

"I know you're still haunted. By Akane's mother, and 'Auntie Asuka', I'm not blind. Sigh. I'm haunted too, Shinji. I had people in life before the Impact. People I loved and cared about." Mari said sadly.

"I'm sorry" Shinji said, unsure of what to say. He wasn't the only one whom had known pain, everyone has a story, everybody has lost someone.

Mari chuckled somberly at him.

"It's not your fault" Mari added.

That's the thing though... Mari, it was my fault. Shinji thought. Images of that day replaying in his mind, the Mass Production Evas, the Geofront in ashes... his choice at the end.

"I didn't mean to do this to you. I was lonely, still am I guess. It's okay Shinji, I understand" Mari said, letting his face go and walking off to finish the laundry.

He stood there in silence, Mari humming to herself softly as she washed clothes. Unsure of what to say and do.

His face still warm from Mari's touch, not the warm intimacy that been Rei's and Rei's alone... but something else. Not unpleasant, distant warmth.

…

Shinji wasn't perfect

He had never claimed to be. Loneliness is a part of being alive, and it can drive people together when they shouldn't. There's a difference between love and that loneliness. That desire to have someone to hold. That human need for warmth. For relief.

When they slept together... it wasn't special. Not really. Just another night.

It had happened almost by accident. Mari helping him mend an old door, her hand on his. That pause when their fingers met.

Then, later Shinji lay in his bed… Mari tucked in beside him, naked under the bedsheets, an arm curled around him… and he couldn't sleep.

He lay there, Mari curled around him, breathing softly. Taking comfort in him, resting her head on his bare chest, even whilst he was lost. He had missed this... sex, sleeping beside another warm body, sharing a bed. But it was wrong.

The weight of his wedding ring, rusted piece of torn metal that it was, was crushing. It hurt, the cool feeling that clung to him even now. The memory of Rei even whilst he had slept with another woman.

Nearly ten years since her passing, yet she lingered in Shinji's mind. Her smile, her lips, her hands, the way cuddle with him… like another phantom pain. Sensations he had denied himself for years, he hadn't wanted anyone else… or so he'd told himself.

But Shinji was only human. And Mari was lonely too… the way she used him just as he used her.

…

They didn't talk about it the morning after.

Mari waking to find Shinji standing with lost eyes, cradling the wedding ring in his hands, and keeping his back to her. She sat up in his bed, the sheets falling from her shoulders, and called to him softly.

Shinji answered in a grunt. Pocketing his ring, it stung him to do so, it burned him deep to his core. And turning to meet her gaze.

"Akane should be getting up soon. She'll be wanting breakfast" Mari said simply, looking at ease and relieved no matter his mixed feelings on it.

Sex had that effect on people, it brought you a kind of high, but it was fleeting. A temporary pleasure when done like this. Love is different from sex.

Mari smiled sadly at him. Leaving his bed and reaching for her bra, getting dressed whilst he politely looked away, hands shaking from what he had done the night before.

…

In the days that followed, they ended up sleeping together again.

He never initiated it. But he did respond in kind. He was still guilty. Mari was much more comfortable with the situation than him. Easier to separate different aspects of their lives.

Akane didn't know. At least not yet.

The two of them keep their activities quiet. Mari and Shinji simply going on with their days as normal, Shinji looking after his daughter. Mari pulling her weight in Haven, acting as a kind of 'second auntie' for Akane.

Yet Mari wasn't blind. She knew that he was conflicted. Knew that Shinji was haunted by the memory of his wife… that it might have only been his need for intimacy that drew them together. That Shinji may not have loved Mari the way he had with Rei.

"I'm sorry" Shinji told Mari one day.

Their little shack quiet in the dead of night. Akane sleeping in her room down the hall.

"For what?" Mari asked, curling against him underneath his bedsheets.

Another night of sex, another night of Mari sharing his bed, curling around him for warmth. Shinji laying there getting off the high, shame filling him for his 'need', for his loneliness that drove him here with Mari.

"For using you" Shinji admitted darkly. He looked ahead, away from Mari even as she rested her head on his shoulder.

Mari sighed again. Shinji Ikari just always had to be so serious, his daughter had gotten that right about him it seemed.

"I used you too. I'm lonely Shinji, I missed this. Missed sex, sharing a bed, and having a… a partner. My condition slows me down, but if I wasn't willing. You would know" Mari said.

She raised a hand and mockingly knocked him over the head.

Shinji didn't take the bait. Didn't laugh. He only tilted his head at the mocking blow. Mari's face falling from his lack of humor.

"Do you want to stop?" Mari asked, unable to stop the hurt in her voice. The silence in Shinji's room carrying.

For as long as Mari had known Shinji, he had been cold at times. Never cruel, but detached. Isolated and alone at times. Like now. Part of him was here with her in bed… and another part was somewhere else she couldn't follow.

Shinji's answer came slowly. A croak, a rough and audible cracking of his voice.

"Yes- … no. I… I don't want to stop. But maybe we should. Better that way" Shinji answered. Head lowered in the dark.

"Maybe we shouldn't" Mari countered.

She wrapped her arms around him, pressing her bare breast against his back, and breathed softly against his neck.

"I'm not her. I'm not your wife. I know that. But I like you. I think I might even love you, Shinji" Mari said smiling sadly in the dark.

Shinji flinched at that. Wincing as if struck.

"Why?" he asked, voice trembling.

"Because you are a good man. I think you are the last good man in all the world. You saved me, didn't want a reward. Didn't give a shit at all. Never judged me, even when I probably deserved it. And you care for your daughter like no one I've ever seen. You're the most… 'human' man I've ever known." Mari said, leaning against him. Her naked body pressed against his.

"I'm not" Shinji said softly.

"You are." Mari countered again.

I don't know if I can ever love you Mari. I… I still love my wife. Doesn't matter that she's gone. I love her and I always will he thought darkly.

"I don't want to stop, Shinji. I think I'm happy here, and I never thought that was possible after the world ended. Please Shinji, let me have this. Let me be happy… and maybe..." Mari began her voice calm and steady, but hurt underneath. The quite strength in her emerging yet again, letting her speak frankly when Shinji could not.

"Maybe one day, you would love me too" Mari said, small tears forming in her eyes. It might have been pathetic, pinning after a man whom was still in love with a dead woman. His wife even. But Mari didn't care anymore.

She had lost everything in the Impact, had been through so much, and somehow found peace, and a semblance of a life, a real life, with this kind man and his family. She wanted to be there with him too, a family where she had none.

I don't know… I just… I forgot what this was like… I had forgotten how cold I was, how alone I'd been since Rei, until you kissed me, Mari. Shinji thought.

"Maybe" he answered back. Head hung low even as he squeezed her hands in his.

"Nothing wrong with finding a bit of happiness, Shinji." Mari whispered sweetly in his ear.

Tugging on him, gently pulling him back to his bed and under the sheets with her. Shinji letting Mari share his bed for another night.

Part 6 : Ikari

Akane didn't like them being together. Not at first.

She was young but not blind.

One day, whilst sitting at the breakfast table she was sullen and silent.

"You're not my mother" Akane told Mari suddenly.

Shinji looked up to see his daughter and Mari exchange glances. Akane cool and calm, her mother's eyes staring back at Mari. That same unreadable expression planted on her face. For Shinji, he recognized that look.

"I never claimed to be" Mari was telling Akane later that day. The woman having started to give Akane her chores for the day, only to be rebuffed with the same line.

"You're not my mom"

It hurt Mari… those words. For all this time Mari had been as another aunt in the girl's life. Now things had changed and Mari could see it.

"I know Akane, I know. I'm-"

"Sleeping with my dad" Akane interrupted Mari coldly. The little girl, almost ten years old now, crossing her arms and walking off without another word.

In the end, Akane ending up skipping her chores. Lashing out in that way that kids do, young and foolish, stubborn in their own right. Shinji would have gone after his daughter, but he let her have her space for now.

Mari had had another of her seizures that night. Shinji finding her in the hallway, unable to move, and muttering curses under her breath, her head in agonizing pain that left her powerless for several minutes.

Shinji held her, letting Mari know she wasn't alone, and helping her once it had passed. He did care about her, he really did.

"Akane hates me… she does, doesn't she?" Mari asked, wiping blood from her eye and accepting the water Shinji had brought her.

"No… she doesn't hate you. She's a kid, and kids don't like change. I didn't." Shinji told Mari.

His 'lover' for lack of a better word, breathed heavily. Apologizing for what had happened, saying that she couldn't control it. That, it just happened.

"I know. Listen, I'll talk to Akane. Thank you… for being patient with her" Shinji said softly.

Mari looked up at him uncertainly. In many ways, she understood Akane's feelings, Mari knew she was a strange whom had stumbled into their lives one day. Taken Auntie Asuka's room without warning, and now… this.

Shinji found his daughter sitting by the river stream under the night sky. Dipping her pale feet into the shallow edge. He knew he'd find her here.

The river stream where Shinji had used to fish with Rei and Asuka, and later where Akane used to watch her father and Auntie Asuka. It must have been one of Akane's earliest memories.

He sat down beside her wordlessly, neither of them acknowledging the other. Funny, neither of them were good with people. They could just sit there avoiding their troubles for the whole night if it came to it, running away into their own private space. Running away from their problems.

But Shinji wasn't a kid anymore.

"You shouldn't be out this late, girl" he said breaking the silence.

Akane snorted, shaking her head at him.

"I know how to hide. If anything happened, the militia would take care of it. Dad I-"

"That's not the point" Shinji sighed. Running a hand down his face.

So this is the beginning of a pre-teen? That age where you start turning into a teenager and rebelling, acting like you have everything figured out when you don't… ahh… teenagers… Shinji thought.

He held up his bad hand, letting his daughter focus on the three fingers where there should have been five. Akane's eyes widened, red eyes lowering, faltering at the guilt in her chest.

Images flashed through her mind… of her running to her father that night to see him holding his own blooded and deformed hand. Of seeing the remains of his missing fingers before Makio had amputated them and disinfected the wounds.

"Wanting some space is normal, but you mustn't run away Akane. Trust me… it doesn't solve anything. And staying out here all alone isn't safe" Shinji said, lowering his bad hand. Keeping an eye out for the tree lines in the dark, no attacks in months but you could never be too careful.

"I- ahhhh… I'm sorry" Akane pouted. Her eyes glued to her feet, unable to meet his gaze.

She really is my daughter he thought.

"Do you really hate Mari that much?" Shinji asked, changing the subject. He already reprimanded her for staying out this late, no need to rub it in. He wasn't that kind of parent.

"I… I don't hate Auntie Mari. Not really… okay. Happy now, dad?" Akane admitted crossing her arms and looking away.

"No one is going to replace your mother. No one can." Shinji told her.

"You're still sleeping with her" Akane murmured under her breath.

Shinji crossed his arms at that, mirroring his daughter or perhaps the other way around.

"Where did you hear those words? You're too young to know what that means" Shinji said, a hint of stern reproval in his voice.

Akane pouted, tilting her head at him. Matching his gaze for one of her own. Never of them blinking. She lost, and Akane sighed again.

"I overheard the neighbors talking about it. People gossip, dad. Like the old stories" she answered in defeat.

"You're right, word spreads fast in a village. There's barely two hundred of us, and it seems my neighbors are nosy." Shinji said.

Akane tilted her head at that. Curiosity getting the better of her, 'barely two hundred' seemed unnatural for her. She'd lived her entire life Haven, never understanding just how 'small' that really was.

There used to be more. Tens of thousands, even millions, of people living together in the cities. But that was a lifetime ago. He thought.

"Are you mad at me, uh girl?" Shinji asked turning to face her.

Akane seemed hurt by those words. Wincing back in the dark, her feet shifting in the water where they sat by the shallow end of the stream.

"No. Dad… ah…. I'm not mad at you" Akane said huddling into herself. In truth she might not have even known why she was upset. Kids are like that sometimes, they lack the maturity to properly understand why they feel what they feel.

Hell, even adults struggled with that.

"Then why are you lashing out?" Shinji asked.

"… I see the way you are with Mari. You- you don't have the look" Akane muttered darkly. Accusingly.

"The look?" Shinji asked curiously.

"You don't have it. That look you used to have when talking about mom… in your eyes... you don't have it when you're with Mari." Akane said slowly. Taking her time to answer him.

Akane… you're too smart for your age. Shinji thought. Looking at his daughter somberly.

"It's not right. People shouldn't… shouldn't… not when they don't have… that" Akane said, struggling with the words. Her Auntie Asuka would have been better at this. Would have known the right words, the way to say it. She wasn't always good with emotions like this.

"Do you love her?" Akane asked finally, her lips trembling. So young, yet so old.

The words surprised him. Taking him aback. A question he had asked himself before, yet had always avoided the answer.

… no… dear god... I don't love Mari. And that makes me a terrible person. Please don't judge me, girl. It hurts… growing up… getting old. Being alone. I hope that you will never know this kind of loneliness, the need that it creates he thought darkly.

The memory of Rei and her smile, reserved only for him, lingering in the back of his mind. Always.

Shinji put a hand over his daughter's head, ruffling her hair gently.

"Akane. You see much more than anyone gives you credit for." Shinji began, speaking truthfully and from his heart. Eyes falling as he continued "but there are things you're not old enough to understand."

"Like what?" Akane asked, her anger fading. Looking at her dad wanting answers.

"One day… when you're older. I'll tell you. Because maybe you're right, but the world isn't always so. Whatever you think of Mari, she's not your mom and she knows that." Shinji told her.

Akane looked away, nodding slowly. She might not agree with it, but she loved her father enough to let it drop. She didn't hate Mari, she never had. Yet a part of her knew that she was right, her father didn't have that look with Mari. Regardless, she was done acting out. Lesson learned.

"I want you to know, that I love you. Very much." Shinji said holding his daughter close. Pulling her into a surprising embrace.

Akane blinking, having not expected that, but relenting and letting her father hug her.

Letting her go, he held her hand and rose. Bringing her out of the stream with him.

"Come on, time for bed" Shinji told her. Leading her back to their home under the night sky.

His daughter was much smarter than people realized. And her words stuck with him, a truth that he had been forced to face in the unlikeliest of places.

In some dark corner of his mind, a representation of his own guilt, the weight of his old wedding ring, the manifestation of self-judgment... he saw a figure in his mind.

His father. Gendo Ikari.

Looking down at him, cold stern eyes looming over him. The worst man that Shinji had ever known... and the image of Ritsuko and her doomed relationship with that man.

Who are you to have judged me, eh boy? The image of Gendo told Shinji. Taunting him from beyond the grave.

… Screw you old man Shinji thought. Pushing such thoughts from his head, they weren't real. Only his own self-hatred. But he was only human, he never claimed to be perfect.

He walked hand in hand with Akane, opening the door and entering his home. Seeing her to bed, and tucking her in, before leaving to join the woman he didn't love.

Very Character-based chapter. The next chapter will be Plot based.
I enjoyed showing the different versions of Mari. Other Mari is very different from Young Mari. And poor girl, her boyfriend was absorbed into the Eva.

Akane can be wise beyond her years at times.
Speaking of the Original Shinji, do you agree with his own self-judgement/hatred in the form of Gendo, or is he too hard on himself?
It wouldn't be Eva without messy relationships after all.

Thanks for Reading and please Review!
Coming soon, Chapter 27 'The Broken Man'.