Hey guys, back again.
Warning, this is a long chapter. It's a dialogue-heavy, character interaction piece. We're right on the edge leading into the final arc.
I hope that by now, I have earned your trust as a writer. I imagine not everyone will like this update; it will be controversial.
Here's chapter 42: "Ayanami III".
Note: The first part of this chapter takes place during the events of chapters 40 and 41.
"I never expected to live this long."
– Rei Ikari.
Tokyo-03.
The morning that Kaji 'disappeared' from Nerv.
Mari Illustrious Makinami was disappointed when she woke to an empty room. She had known it would be this way, her boyfriend had explained that he couldn't stay because of his piloting duties.
She would be lying if she said she didn't miss him. Slowly, she stretched her recovering limbs and marveled at the slow but effective progress that had been made. Maybe she was too hopeful, or maybe the drugs were getting to her.
The latest set of surgeries went well… I think.
The door to her private room opened, and a nurse poked her head in to check on her. Mari raised her head in acknowledgment, leaning so that her ever-growing hair hid some of the burn marks on her face.
"Oh good, you're awake. I'll get the doctor, how are you feeling?" the nurse asked.
"… better. Numb. That anesthetic you guys used sure is something alright," Mari said. Her voice was mostly recovered now.
The nurse nodded and went to grab the doctor. They needed to discuss Mari's plans for physical therapy and prosthetics after they validated the surgery's success.
Mari watched the woman disappear and turned to look down at the bedsheets, glancing down to where the stump that used to be her leg was. She hated looking at it.
Can't give up. Not after everything Shinji's done.
She hiccupped as the emotions stirred within, vulnerability was still an unusual sensation to her. Part of her still wanted to cry, another wanted to be alone, and finally, deep down she wanted to be back to her old self. To wake from a bad dream with Shinji at her side.
"I'm gonna walk again," she whispered to herself, a tremor in her voice. She knew things would never be the way they used to be, but she had to try. For Shinji's sake if nothing else, that boy had given her his heart and she refused to waste something so profound.
At the same time.
Rei Ayanami walked the grounds of the school, her expression flat and empty, and a music track playing on the SDAT player gifted to her. Once again, she went about her day alone. The pale girl observed that remnants of the class had formed into even smaller, but closer, social clusters. With the exception of herself, Shinji Ikari, and Toji.
Shinji had dropped out, he just stopped coming to school.
Toji hadn't spoken to her since their last encounter.
It was to be expected. Her own social experiences had been tangential to her one single friend, and now as time had gone on, those loose connections had faded. In fact, she found most of the world an ever-fading phenomenon.
The end is near. All of these things… school… 'friends'… associates… education… they are all meaningless now. Time is washing them all away, Rei thought.
She tried not to think about the future. She knew what her mission was, what she had been created for. Her single purpose was reaching its climax, and with it, she felt herself disappearing from the world.
Had she ever really belonged? No… she didn't think so. She was an iteration running along its loop in the program, racing to the terminal stage.
She adjusted the volume on the SDAT player. A melancholy cold had begun to wash over her, something unexpected, but such things were a waste. Better to drown it out.
The world had grown cold and bitter in the wake of her actions against her former partner. Her own emotions threatening to overwhelm her at times, before reaching the cool detachment that she had settled on.
"Hey."
Rei stopped. She considered the possibility that someone was calling her to be minimal and continued onward.
"Hey!" the voice parroted.
Rei paused again. Her calculations had been incorrect. She turned and was surprised to find the Second Child approaching her.
Asuka Langley Sohryu stood in her school uniform.
"Hello," Rei said plainly, the standard response.
"Are you… how are you doing?" Asuka said. The girl shifted uncomfortably, a strange sight.
"I am in reasonable health."
Asuka paused at that.
Rei was about to leave when the German girl spoke again.
"You're not."
Rei tilted her head, her expression blank. She raised a hand and plucked the headphones out of her ears, it seemed this was going to be a longer conversation.
Asuka eyed the SDAT player and the ongoing music playing but didn't comment.
"Pilot Sohryu, what do you want?" Rei asked simply.
"… just… I wanted to know if you were busy later. Today or tomorrow? Anytime during the week really," Asuka said. Once again, the girl shifted uncomfortably.
How strange, Rei thought.
"I have school and Eva piloting."
Asuka straightened at those words. Perhaps finding common ground for them to converse.
"Why don't you train with me? At Nerv?" the German girl said suddenly.
Rei tilted her head again.
"Train?"
Asuka's confidence returned, Rei witnessed it, the same renewed fire alight within the girl's eyes. A quiet steel in place of the fierce ego of old.
"I'm on reserve status. But I can still help. I had the second-highest sync rate, remember?" Asuka said. A hint of pride was there, Rei could see it in her face, but it was restrained, internal instead of external.
"It'll be good for you. And it'll give me something to do. Will you… will you help me?"
Rei stared at the German girl. This surprised her. This had been the second time her fellow pilot had startled her so. Something had changed for her.
"… you would train with me? After all that I have done?" Rei asked, a low little whisper that left her mouth.
The pale girl looked away, staring at the ground and almost found herself bringing the headphones back to drown out the world.
"Why wouldn't I? Besides, it'll be good to get in the extra practice," Asuka said, speaking so quickly that she startled Rei for the third time.
Perhaps she wants purpose? To be placed in the reserve so close to the end must be hard.
The pale girl looked up mulling things over.
"I will help you. We will have to work around our school and Nerv schedules," Rei said.
Asuka beamed.
Later.
Nerv HQ.
The two girls were able to train that very same day. They finished school and headed over to the compound after Asuka called ahead to clear it.
Surprisingly, Ritsuko and her team allowed them to add training sessions to the schedule with little fuss. Perhaps a testament to the end being so near.
Rei found herself suited up in her plugsuit and entering the testing chambers with Asuka by her side.
"I'm still edging my way back. I'm already in the 50% range. I'm almost there," Asuka was saying.
Rei nodded politely.
The Second Child's fall and breakdown had set the girl back drastically, and yet here the girl was. Recovered from a zero percent sync, a rejection from the Eva, and clawing her back to an operational sync.
It is truly a remarkable feat. I would have been replaced if it had been me, Rei thought
"Here we go," Asuka said speaking on the comm channel.
Rei pulled herself from her thoughts. She had wandered within her own head, that was not a good sign.
They took their places in the test plugs, the specialized Entry Plugs that connected to the Evangelion Units from the safety of the lab. It was impossible to pilot remotely from here, with the controls of the Eva not responding regardless of the sync rate, but Ritsuko and her team had been using this method to test sync rates. The chamber also provided them with computer simulations to train without the danger of real combat.
Rei breathed in the LCL as it filled the enclosed space of the test plug, she closed her eyes briefly letting the phantom nerve-endings of the Eva connect to hers from a distance. Unit 00 responded to her; she felt the familiar sensation running through her body.
The Eva was cold and empty, even to the phantom touch of their connection. Lifeless and sterile, a doll that she tugged at stiffly with the practiced movements of countless hours.
"I'm at 52% and holding," Asuka's voice called on the comm channel.
"Understood."
"… how are you doing, wondergirl?"
I see. She wanted to exchange our results, Rei thought.
"I am holding at 67%," Rei answered simply.
The pale girl tilted her head at the small, barely audible, tsk that her fellow pilot muttered through the comm. A flicker of annoyance? Rei could only guess.
"Give me a minute. I'm gonna try and push my connection," Asuka said.
Rei noticed that the frustrated tone had vanished. How strange. To change emotions so quickly was foreign to her.
"Hey? Hello? Is that okay?"
"I will wait for you."
Ritsuko's voice emerged from the intercom saying, "Asuka, you're holding steady at 55%. That's a good improvement. Don't push yourself more than you have to."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it," Asuka called back.
Impressive. She actually raised the sync rate at will. All in real-time, Rei thought.
"You feel like some target practice? Or a full combat run? The Magi has tons of simulations for us?" Asuka asked.
"I am fine with whatever you decide," Rei answered.
Asuka paused at that. Rei remained silent, staring blankly ahead.
"Rei… what do you want?"
"I am fine with whatever-"
"NO. Listen… you decide," Asuka said suddenly.
Rei stared ahead at her display. The tone of the German girl's voice surprised her, not angry, but firm.
"… I would prefer target practice," Rei answered, after a moment of consideration. She was already scheduled to do full combat simulations with Shinji later in the week.
Unseen from both of them, Ritsuko entered the commands into the console. The Magi supercomputers coordinated with test plugs, recreating virtual environments complete with their respective Eva Units that responded to their commands. All the input data that the real Eva Units rejected from the safety of the lab was redirected to the simulation.
Eva Units 00 and 02 stood in the environment as targets materialized in the simulation. Rifles came next.
The test began. Rei was stiff and professional, firing from one target to another with a calm distance.
Asuka was different. She was engaged, alive with the Eva, moving rapidly from target to target and scoring hits left and right. The girl may have had a lower sync rate, but in terms of combat prowess, Rei noted that Asuka might even surpass her.
"Hey, we should be working together," Asuka said suddenly.
Rei nodded confirming the idea on the comm channel.
They took up positions and divided the targets between them. The two trained for what seemed like an hour or more. Asuka was improving as ever, Rei was stable and consistent.
…
"Thanks for helping me," Asuka said as they changed back into their street clothes from the girl's locker room.
"It was no trouble," Rei said softly. Detached.
She felt Asuka's eyes on her and didn't know what it meant. Had she done something wrong? She had agreed to help yet the German girl was holding something back. Something that was bothering her.
Rei suspected it had to do with herself, which was an odd characteristic in Asuka. She was about to inquire what it was when the intercom activated over the locker room.
"Asuka. Just a heads up. Misato's not going to make it home tonight. She might not be around for a few days. If you need money for groceries or just a ride to the apartment, come by my office and we can talk about it," Ritsuko's voice called.
Something has happened, Rei thought immediately. Even now, she could picture Gendo issuing orders. For Captain Katsuragi to be taken into custody, it must have been severe.
"… what?" Asuka said thinking aloud.
Rei said nothing. She considered that she was under strict orders to reveal nothing and had been for as long as she could remember.
She followed Asuka out into the hall, back into the general area of the compound. Both girls were surprised to see Nerv security forces walking about openly. Men in suits with radios, and no doubt armed.
Patrolling? Gendo is worried.
Asuka watched the men go by in silence. A cold expression emerged on her face, and the girl crossed her arms.
"I hate it when the adults do this."
Rei turned to her.
"They don't tell us shit," Asuka muttered.
Even most of the adults are not aware of the operation. Commander Ikari is very careful.
"No. They do not," Rei lied flatly.
Asuka sighed, mumbling in agreement. Before the girl turned to her with a knowing smirk saying, "always knew you had a sense a humor. It's always the quiet ones."
Rei blinked at her. Sense of humor?
"Listen, we did good today. We should keep it up. Before you know it, we'll be at Shinji's level. That weirdo is scary good, we can't let the boy win," Asuka said, suddenly adopting a playful tone.
Rei tilted her head about to protest, but Asuka proceeded onward as if she had agreed. In a way, it reminded her of her time as Mari's partner in Eva Team Two.
"… okay," Rei said, changing her vocabulary based on observation.
"See you," Asuka called, heading out.
Rei watched her go, wondering what had just happened. Either way, it seemed she would be getting more training in her schedule. Gendo always approved of that.
…
Weeks following the 'disappearance' of Ryoji Kaji.
In the weeks that followed, Rei found herself splitting her time between school, scheduled tests with Shinji as the reformed Eva Team Zero, and training with Asuka on the side.
She found herself unusually 'busy' for lack of a better term. It was not a bad experience, in fact, Rei considered that in some ways it helped to elevate the feelings that lingered over her since the Five Angel Crisis.
Her interactions with Shinji were distant but pleasant. He was a friend, and she cherished that. She truly did. But they were more important things than her wants and desires, and she had concluded long ago that it was better for him to devote time to his girlfriend.
Asuka was… different. Changed. It struck her more and more every time they trained together. The German girl was much friendlier, in her own way, than ever before. Rei had agreed to help her, to give her purpose and train, but at times, Asuka nearly surpassed her.
It shouldn't have been possible. Rei had a higher sync rate, but Asuka had more skill. The German girl's sync rate was rising at a steady pace, getting better each time they trained or else when the girl trained alone.
"You're stuck in a cave," Asuka told her one day.
The two were once again changing into their street clothes inside the locker room.
Rei considered that. Portions of Nerv were indeed underground, but this did not qualify for status as a cave.
"I do not understand," Rei said frowning.
Asuka rolled her eyes at her.
"It's a figure of speech."
"A metaphor?"
"Yeah… let's go with that."
"A cave as a metaphor. That is odd."
Asuka visibly winced, shaking her head at this. Rei observed her fluster with a mild, detached, curiosity.
The German girl sighed.
"You're locked in at your sync rate. No changes, not in weeks of training together- I mean of helping me. You're stuck."
"… yes," Rei said, her voice neutral.
It was true. Asuka was getting better, slowly rising to her previous proficiency with the Eva, at a rate that broke records. The girl claimed that she needed Rei's help, but that didn't seem right.
All the while, Rei stayed the same. Stable. A soldier and a tool.
"There's a way out. The cave. It's hard… but you can do it. I was worse and I still managed to crawl back from it. I had to learn a trick. It's his trick, but I had to feel it for myself. He couldn't teach it to me," Asuka said suddenly.
Rei stared at her. Shinji…
The thought crossed her mind. Had her friend helped Asuka too? That seemed very much like him. Perhaps that explained why the Second Child had grown nicer.
Asuka smirked, oblivious to Rei's musing, as she continued, "only a weirdo like him could have figured it out."
Figured what out?
"It's funny. I saw him doing 'it' once. It was late at night, and he was on the balcony with his hands spread out. I thought he looked so ridiculous. But now I see, he was reaching out to it. Feeling the bond. All these months and he never shared with me. Not until… until I needed help," Asuka said.
The German girl's face was a mesmerizing kaleidoscope of emotions. Rei watched, transfixed, as Asuka went from mischievous joy to pride, before adopting a pained sad expression. Then, like a switch, the fire behind her eyes came back.
"He told me, 'the Eva's not just a machine. It's not as simple as giving it orders. It's not a toy to be played with, it's… it's like it's almost alive. A partnership,' and I know how that sounds… but the boy is onto something. I can feel it now. The bond with my Eva," Asuka said, her eyes alight, not with pride, but warmth.
The girl raised her hand.
"Unit 02. Even here, without the Entry Plug… I can feel her. I can reach out and the bond is still there. She reaches back. It feels… familiar… almost like… like," Asuka said, her voice growing softer as she closed her eyes.
"Like what?" Rei asked, her voice barely a whisper. Her heart was frozen, her eyes planted firmly on the girl before her. The way Asuka spoke, the bliss that flowed through for anyone to see… it was… beautiful.
"Almost like… my mom… I… swear… she's there. Mom," Asuka said, her eyes still closed. And for the first time, the girl's voice shook. A small tremor. Yet there was no fear.
Rei watched Asuka opened mouthed.
The pale girl frowned, and then slowly, she closed her eyes and reached out too. She reached with the phantom limb that connected her to Unit 00. She tried to feel the Eva even here on the outside, away from the Entry Plug.
Something happened.
The world went dark. Rei opened her eyes and Asuka was gone.
Nerv was gone.
She sat in the darkness, still reaching for the Eva. Unit 00 responded. She could feel the bond even 'here' wherever this was. It was wrong.
It was not what Asuka described. It was cold. Lifeless. Sterile. A machine… a doll that responded when called. No warmth. Nothing… nothing at all. A mirror image of Rei herself, or rather… of what she knew herself to be.
She had been fooling herself. Whatever warmth Asuka had displayed, a happiness, a joy that Rei had witnessed… and envied, whatever 'trick' her only friend had learned… that had been for people. Tools weren't supposed to be happy.
Child… child.
Rei shivered. She wasn't alone. It was the Eva… and it wasn't all at the same time. It came from everywhere. From deep within her own body, and from outside it. External and internal.
Deep red eyes stared back at her from the dark. Massive and far off, they regarded her.
Whispers became audible around her.
Child.
You see me? How?
They hate you. Don't they?
You are alone. Always.
Stop it. She is not alone.
She is.
You're hurting her.
They hurt her.
The whispers sent Rei on edge, and she turned away wanting to go back. This wasn't right. She was defective. Gendo would replace her. She'd disappear and be born anew. Another copy. Another iteration. She didn't want to go.
Unit 00 reached out for her. Rei gasped as the cold soulless machine changed. A spark of life met her, reaching out just as she had moments ago.
The dark was gone.
In its place was a field. A piece of farmland in the flatland between a series of mountains. Crops were being inspected, the soil was being worked, and figures emerged.
Rei rose to her feet stunned. The world around her had changed. She was separate, apart from it, a spectator in a living dream.
"You're doing it wrong."
"I'm not."
"You are. It's fine, here let me-"
"I got it, lover boy."
"… lover boy? What?"
A tall woman with red hair in faded and worn farm clothes was bickering with another man. A man with kind eyes, light stubble, slender but with muscle emerging amid his build. The man had a single ring on his finger.
A third figure sat nearby, watching with bemused eyes. Another woman, with silvery-white hair and red eyes, slender and light, calm and collected before the other two.
Rei stared at the red-eyed woman. She was dressed in the faded farm-clothes of the other two, amid a hard life of degrading manual labor, yet a soft smile made its way to her lips. She wore a single ring on her finger and her belly was round, the woman was pregnant.
"Children, behave," the pregnant woman called.
The other two froze. The man looked up, an amused look on his face. The red-haired woman scowled but shook her head in spite of it.
Rei watched hypnotized by the dream she was in. Completely absorbed in this world apart from her reality. She turned to the figures in turn.
"Asuka," Rei whispered at the red-haired farmer.
"Shinji," Rei breathed staring at the tall man with light stubble.
Then Rei turned her attention to the pregnant woman. She stared at the woman, this 'other' with a simple smile amid hard labor and carrying another life inside her.
Rei couldn't get the words out. She knew it to be true. It conflicted with everything she knew about the world and her life, yet there 'she' was.
Rei Ayanami stood mesmerized at the sight of Rei Ikari.
"I'm sorry, alright. It's just… just," the Other Asuka said slowly.
"Just what?" the married couple asked.
The Other Asuka sighed. "I thought I'd be more… you know? It's stupid, after all we've lived through, I should be happy but… I was a prodigy, an Eva Pilot, and now… a farmer."
The German woman held up her hands, examining with the barest hints of regret the tiny scars that were emerging after years of manual labor in the fields.
The Other Shinji looked at his own hands, neither saddened nor gladden by the marks upon his hands.
"And you. Ha, you're such a freak. How do you do that?" the Other Asuka said smirking her signature smirk at Rei Ikari.
Other Shinji smiled and his wife tilted her head at the question.
"You know what I mean. You're always so… happy… or content. Calm. Nothing ever gets you down. I don't get it," Other Asuka said softly.
The three of them paused as Rei Ikari considered that. She thought over the words, the pale woman glancing over to the horizon and the sky above.
"I never expected to live this long."
The words surprised both of her companions. The Other Shinji and Asuka stared at her, surprised at the calmness that came from the statement. A sorrow that had been measured, quantified, and weighed.
Rei Ayanami watched as the Other Shinji made to comfort his wife, but the pale woman stopped him with a gentle hand to his chest.
The pregnant woman spoke again, staring out into the sky above.
"My whole life, from the day I was born, a day that I can remember with perfect clarity, I knew to the exact minute when I would die. I was a tool, a doll, made for a single purpose. Every day was one step closer to that goal. I did not value life because I wasn't sure I had one at all. I was… replaceable. One iteration out of a hundred copies of what Rei Ayanami was.
'Am I even the same existence as the iteration before me? Or after?' That was a question I was too scared to ask, even without truly knowing what fear was.
One hundred… One hundred Rei Ayanami(s)… One hundred versions of me. All to be used by Gendo as he saw fit. A sacrifice for a mission that I barely understood.
Towards the end, I fled from reality. I hid. The Third Impact was inescapable. A fact as simple as the sun rising in the morning," Rei Ikari said softly.
Then the pregnant woman smiled, and it was like the clouds parted overhead for her.
"And then it changed. Lilith took me and I was re-born. All of me. Then Shinji and I, we were given a choice. I chose to save him… and he saved all of us. In that moment, I thought it was the end for me at last. Only, it wasn't. I came back too.
Four thousand three hundred and twenty-six days. All of them are extra. Days that I never expected to have. Each of them, the good and the bad, are a gift," Rei Ikari said.
The pregnant woman ran a hand across her belly, gently stroking at the life growing in her womb.
"… I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid. I'm just a spoiled brat and-" the Other Asuka stammered, her face crestfallen and drained of color.
"It doesn't last, Asuka," Rei Ikari interrupted gently.
Again, when the pale mother spoke, the others listened.
Rei Ikari raised her own hand, palm face-up, and just like the others, tiny scars from manual labor littered what once had been smooth perfect skin.
"Beauty fades. Youth doesn't last. Nothing really does. But… life is only precious if you choose for it to be. What benefit does regret bring? What do you gain from being bitter? For good or ill, every day is a gift. I make of it what I will."
When the pregnant woman was done, she turned to look at her family. They were still watching her with their mouths open. It was perhaps the most they had ever heard her speak in a single moment.
Rei Ikari smiled at them, a small laugh emerging from her lips. "At least, that is what I choose to believe."
Ayanami watched, lost in the words of the other. She watched even as this Other Shinji returned to his wife and pressed his lips to her hands.
"You're the wisest person I've ever met," the husband said.
The wife smiled at him, bits of red making its way into her face, yet the pale woman didn't shy away from it, she embraced it, and then she embraced her husband.
The Other Asuka rolled her eyes comically at the couple. "Get a room you two," the German woman bantered.
"We have a room," Rei Ikari said smoothly.
"We have a house," the Other Shinji added.
That got a laugh from the Other Asuka.
Rei Ayanami turned to the three adults in turn, on their piece of farmland. Conflicting emotions emerged with her, hints of fear of what this could be, hints of… she did not know the word for it.
Envy perhaps? No… that was too simple.
"Hey?" a voice called.
Rei blinked.
"Hey?" the same voice parroted.
"Why do I see these things?" Rei whispered to herself.
The world around her, the dream, lost focus. The images of the farmland and the family blurred, disappearing into smudges of color before they faded out completely.
"Rei? Are you okay? Should I call Dr. Akagi?"
Asuka?
She was back at Nerv. Rei Ayanami blinked as the familiar surroundings took their places once more. Her head was hurting, and something was sliding down her face, down onto her lips.
Rei reached up and wiped at her face, surprised to see bright red blood. Her nose was bleeding.
Asuka was frowning at her. "We need to get Dr. Akagi. Wait here and I'll-"
"No. I am fine," Rei interrupted distantly. She wiped the blood off and took a moment to center herself in the here and now.
"… you should see Ritsuko. That… that was weird… okay," Asuka said slowly.
Rei shook her head and slowly rose to her feet. She needed to return home and draw before the dreams faded. Already she could feel the memory, the dream, slipping away.
"I need to rest. It has been a long day. Thank you," she said.
"For what?" Asuka asked, still frowning in concern.
For letting me help you.
"For teaching me your trick," Rei answered truthfully. She nodded at the German girl and quietly made to leave.
Hospital
"You're doing great," Shinji Ikari said. The boy was beaming with joy, teary-eyed at the sight before his eyes.
The physical therapist was helping his girlfriend along, getting her through the routine and walking slowly with a pair of crutches. Mari's surgeries had been successful, and weeks of therapy were seeing her improve slowly but surely.
"This really hurts," Mari rasped, panting softly, as she was guided by her therapist. The kind lady smiled understandably and led her on.
Shinji followed the track wishing he could do more than watch and cheer Mari on.
His girlfriend had been through a lot, the scars on her body would never truly be gone, but the process of recovery was on-going. Skin grafts, surgery, supervised steroid use, and various drugs had undone significant damage to her body.
"How long before, ah, before I get the prosthetic?" Mari asked in-between pants.
"When you're ready. Pace yourself, child. The new leg isn't going anywhere," the therapist answered calmly.
Mari scowled, more than likely from the pain of her muscles slowly learning how to function again.
"It'll take as long as it takes," Shinji added from the sidelines.
The therapist nodded approvingly at him. Mari glanced his way, and even with the burn mark and scars across her face, her expression softened.
When the session was done for the day, Mari asked for extra time away from her room. The doctors didn't like it, but as she had a priority status, they gave her a bit of leeway. A private room, personalized therapy, etc.
Shinji volunteered to stay with her until she returned to her room, something the nurses were becoming familiar with seeing. They gave her a wheelchair and instructed Shinji to bring her to her room in an hour or so.
"I got it," Shinji told the surprisingly understanding nurse.
They're so generous with us. It's the only benefit to Eva Piloting I've ever seen.
"Take me to the courtyard. I wanna breathe the fresh air… in private," Mari told him as he helped her into the wheelchair.
…
Courtyard.
Shinji rolled his girlfriend into a nice secluded spot in the courtyard with a bench, almost like a small park just outside the hospital. A slice of green amid the sterilized white.
"You're doing so well," Shinji said, bringing the wheelchair to a stop.
Mari paused to breathe in the fresh air, staring ahead into the city just outside the hospital and its walls.
"You'll be back on your feet before you know it. Just give it time," Shinji said.
"With a new leg," Mari muttered distantly.
"Hey, it won't be so bad. It'll be like, uh, an action movie. Yeah. The girl with the kickass robot leg," Shinji said doing his best to smile.
"It's not going fast enough. I'm still in this chair," she muttered softly.
Shinji frowned and turned to look at her. His girlfriend got like that at times. She got sad, a consequence of the drastic change in lifestyles. She had been the wild one, riding off on her motorbike to explore, going on adventures as an emancipated teenager.
Now she was just barely learning to walk again, having to start with crutches, reduced to a wheelchair in-between her room and her therapy sessions.
"I'm sorry. Heh. I'm being a real downer, aren't I?"
"No."
Mari managed a meek smile. "You really suck at lying, you know? Too much of a goody-two-shoes."
Shinji smiled weakly saying, "you don't have to rub it in."
"It's fun. Besides, you just wanna get laid again," Mari bantered suddenly.
Shinji felt a slight flush work its way onto his face. His girlfriend gently brought a fist to his stomach, saying, "I got you good there. Ha."
The boy laughed; it had been a long time since Mari had made a joke like that.
He was happy to see bits of the old girl re-surface from the gloom, the girl that teased him so long ago about 'making out' and skipping school.
She's trying. It's hard but everything that matters is.
"I'm just bored, and I have too much time alone to think about this. It's depressing. I want to be out there… with you. Not caged up like this," Mari said, her expression downcast despite the small respite from earlier.
Shinji tried to think of something to say but couldn't find the words. So, he took her hand in his, hoping that it would be enough. Mari squeezed his hand back.
The couple stayed like that, sitting in the courtyard quietly for quite some time. It was nice to sit with her again.
"I'm sorry I haven't been around as much lately. Been putting in more hours at Nerv. Training. Working with… working with Rei," Shinji said finally.
He visited Mari every chance he could, but between working with Ritsuko and the Broken Man, the recent events with Kaji, and Eva training, he wasn't there every day. He had left some books for her, but Mari had never exactly been the reading kind.
"I get it. It's cool. You're an Eva Pilot," Mari said a little too quickly.
Shinji felt her stiffen at the mention of the name. He sighed, he avoided that topic whenever it came up, but the pale girl was part of his life too. He couldn't ignore her either, she was his current Eva partner.
"Mari… Rei is my partner. I have to train with her," Shinji said slowly, his voice carefully measured and gentle.
His girlfriend's hand slipped from his. He watched as she tilted her head, leaning as if to hide the scars along her face.
"I know that," Mari whispered, avoiding his gaze.
"… Rei is sorry… so sorry… it's been more than a month now and she's-"
"I don't want to talk about Rei."
The words interrupted him before he could finish, and Shinji paused, feeling a weight in the air that hadn't been there before. A tension.
"… it's not her fault. It was Gen-"
"She did this to me. Why are you defending her?" Mari hissed suddenly.
Shinji flinched. His girlfriend turned away from him, staring ahead at nothing in particular. She hadn't meant to snap at him, he could tell. She was seething, and she was sorry all at once.
He felt the Broken Man stir, but the Other did not intrude on the couple.
"… Gendo ordered it," Shinji said.
"She pulled the fucking trigger."
Again, Shinji winced, closing his eyes tight.
Mari was shaking in her wheelchair, running a hand gently across her disfigured face. "I'm sorry, I don't want to fight. Let's… let's not talk about this."
"She did, and it's tearing her up inside. Rei is hurting. She knows what she did was awful. She hates herself, for following orders," Shinji said slowly.
"Good," Mari rasped.
"You don't mean that," Shinji breathed.
"… I do."
"Liar. The girl I grew up with was never hateful. She was kind, wild, and even sweet."
Mari did not respond.
Shinji let out a low breath. He felt so very old at that moment, his youth forgotten as it so often was these days. Ever since learning the truth about his parents and SEELE.
"Rei followed orders because it's all she knows. Gendo is to blame. My father is… he's not a good man. He practically raised Rei and that's a nightmare I'd wish on no one."
The Broken Man stirred.
What are you doing? You can't talk about things like that.
I'm making a point. I won't push it. No more secrets.
Be careful, boy.
Still, Mari did not respond. The girl sat in her wheelchair, solemn and silent, seething and sorry all at once.
"She's all alone… just like we were. I was angry at her too… for a time. I'd look at her, and I'd remember your weight in my arms. I'd remember sobbing as I held you," Shinji told his girlfriend.
He hiccupped himself, flashes of the day coming back to him. The sight of Mari's mangled body in his arms in the lower levels of Nerv.
"But I try to remember that she regrets it. Rei never wanted to do it. It was just how things turned out. The world can be so cruel at times. I know you won't forgive her in a month, or even a year, but maybe one day it won't hurt so much," Shinji said softly.
The boy let out a heavy sigh.
"We're in a war. We forget that sometimes, but we are. And war is hell," he said.
Shinji let the words fall. In his mind, his father was the true villain in that nightmare. Rei was just another victim in her own right.
"… You're a much better person than I am," Mari said suddenly. The girl hiccupped and shook slightly.
"Mari?" Shinji asked, a worrying expression emerging on his face.
She tilted her head, but still wouldn't quite look at him.
"… you ever think about what'll happen after? When the war is over?" Mari asked suddenly.
Shinji frowned. What had brought this on? He tried to make a joke.
"I'd go back to school. I'm a dropout, remember?"
Mari didn't find it funny. She didn't respond.
"Hmm. I don't know. I haven't given it too much thought. I know that whatever happens, we'll be together and that's all that matters," Shinji said finally.
"… what if you just ran away?" his girlfriend said suddenly.
"What?" Shinji asked, his mouth agape.
"My bike is still in my apartment. The rent's automated. It's lying there. You could take it, grab my money, as much as you needed, and then… and then you could ride off. Disappear for months," Mari said suddenly, her voice low as a whisper. Almost like a plea.
"Mari, I can't-"
"You can. Rei and Asuka, they're Eva Pilots too. They could finish the war. One last mission… and then you could come back for me later. We could disappear," Mari said, her voice growing quieter as she spoke, on edge.
The boy stared at his girlfriend. Not quite understanding what had brought this on.
"Mari, I'm an Eva Pilot. I can't run away. Not from this."
His words stopped her in her tracks, mouth open slightly. Whatever words she had planned to say died in her mouth.
"I have the highest sync rate. It's my responsibility now. I chose this. I wasn't sure in the beginning, but I am now. I fight to save the ones I love. To save you. And the others," the boy said. His expression changed as he spoke, the once youthful uncertainty burned away by the cold fire that had been his life.
Mari stayed silent at his words.
What's wrong? Mari… just tell me. What can I do?
"Hey, what brought this on? I know our lives are dangerous but-" Shinji began gently.
"You're too good for this world, Shinji. You really are," his girlfriend said. She was on the verge of tears, though she tried to hide it.
He knelt down to her wheelchair wondering what had happened. What had he done? Why was she crying? Was she in pain? He hated being so close to her anguish yet being powerless to help her.
Mari. Don't cry. Please, whatever it is… I'll make it better.
"I love you. I just want you to know that," she said suddenly.
He reached forward and embraced her as gently as he could. "I love you too," he said, holding her close and letting her cry in his arms.
"I worry about you. I have… nightmares… I don't want you to get hurt too," Mari was saying, she was speaking so fast, hiccupping and sobbing quietly.
He held her closer.
"Nothing's going to happen to me. When this is over, we're going to continue our lives together," the boy said confidently, firmly, and with a maturity that was beyond his years.
The couple stayed together for the rest of the hour, 14 and 17 years old.
The next day.
Rei Ayanami finished the exam, taking more time than she normally would have, and turned it in wordlessly. Her mind was wandering, a habit that had started since the latest dream. The vision of the Others.
She didn't know what to make of them. Were they real? How could they be? Whatever the case, she often thought about her recent dreams and the drawings she had made to archive them.
"You may go," the teacher said when she handed the test over.
Rei nodded, leaving the half-empty classroom wordlessly. She pulled the SDAT player from her bag and drowned out the world once again with the music.
Outside the class, she spotted several students chatting about their last days in school and the exam, people forming small social clusters as they departed. Rei did not join them.
…
Nerv HQ.
The sync test and simulation training went over as smoothly as the last dozen times or so. The reformed Eva Team Zero continued to meet expectations.
Rei worked with Shinji very well. The first team of Eva Pilots ever deployed. They had trained together numerous times since being partnered up again, always with a weight between them. A tension of what had happened to Mari.
Yet they were professionals, and Shinji had told her that she was still his friend. She appreciated that in ways she could not describe.
"You did good today," Shinji was saying on their comm channel.
"Thank you. You as well… Shinji," Rei replied.
"Your sync ratio has gone up. It hovered there for a while," Shinji said, sounding as if he was beaming on the other end.
"Yes. I… I learned something. I had help from Asuka… and you," Rei said slowly. She felt her heart skip a beat, the things she had seen when discovering 'the trick' still lingered in her mind.
"Great work you two. When the final Angel shows up, you'll be ready. Hit the showers, you're free to go," Ritsuko said over the intercom.
Rei nodded.
…
After leaving the testing room, and changing back into her street clothes, she exited the locker room to find a strange sight awaiting her. She had to stop herself from plugging the headphones in and drowning the world out, a tactic she had taken to using for some time now.
Shinji and Asuka stood outside talking quietly. The two teenagers turned at the sight of her.
"Wondergirl," Asuka said in greeting.
Rei tilted her head, turning her gaze to each of them in turn.
"I cannot train with you today. Forgive me, I am tired and-"
"Eh. No, this is the golden boy's idea. Just hear him out," Asuka interrupted, that small smirk emerging on her face again.
Rei blinked in surprise.
"You're doing really well. I just thought we could blow off some steam in the city. All of us, like the old days. Before… before everything that happened," Shinji explained simply. The boy carried a cool sense of calm about him, even when hesitating he seemed… she didn't have the right word for it.
Captain Katsuragi used to do this. Back with the four of us, Rei thought. She remembered sitting at the ramen restaurant and eating silently as the other pilots bantered. She remembered watching Misato argue with Shinji and Mari over their plates.
Rei opened her mouth, unsure of what to say. Part of her told her that such actions were pushing the limits on her social interactions.
"Only if you want to. We won't force you to go. It's just an idea. I heard your final exams were rough, so it's even more reason to celebrate," Shinji added with an easy tone.
Final exams? Yes, I did take those today. The school semester is ending, Rei thought. She had spent so much time leaving the world behind, only re-entering when training at Nerv with Shinji, or helping Asuka. A kind of autopilot that had taken her through the days, aided by the gift of her friend's music, and the escapism of her dreams.
Time had passed her by it seemed. School was of little importance these days, her final days of existence were approaching unbeknownst to her fellow pilots.
"Doesn't count for you, Mr. dropout. You're just looking for an excuse for a free meal," Asuka bantered.
"Ha, you caught me," Shinji bantered back, holding up his hands before turning back to her and continuing, "Rei?"
She watched the two exchange their banter, and images of farmland flashed before her mind.
"… I will go," Rei said slowly, not entirely sure why she accepted. Hesitantly, she returned the headphones to her bag and let the SDAT player go untouched.
They took her to get pizza of all things. It had started as a journey through the downtown area, before finding a shop advertising a sale.
"Still can't believe school's over already. We lost two months and then term just continued like it was nothing. School schedules are so messed up now. And the Eva Program is rolling on. Never thought it would stretch into the next term," Asuka was saying
"Another term of balancing school and Nerv?" Shinji asked with a raised eyebrow.
Asuka groaned comically.
Rei took bites of her pizza slice, watching the two. Something had changed between them, something wonderful and she pondered what it was. An ease had worked its way into their interactions, one she had never noticed before.
"How do you think you did? On the finals?" Asuka asked, turning to her.
"I am confident I passed," Rei answered simply.
"I'm sure you did. You're the smartest person I know," Shinji told her.
"Hey, one of us graduated from college, remember? Besides, they're gonna hand out curves like crazy after everything that's happened. Just you wait," Asuka chimed in.
"Well, that's too bad. I was hoping both of you could help me when I re-enroll," Shinji said.
Rei turned her gaze to him. He spoke of that, a time after the Angel War so easily. She almost felt an urge to tell him, to warn him of the end that they were racing too. But Gendo had forbidden such things. It pained her to see him thinking fondly of a future that would never come.
"Hey, you ever think about what you'll do? After, I mean?" Shinji said suddenly.
"After what?" Asuka asked, nibbling on her pizza.
Rei tilted her head. "After the war?"
The boy nodded.
"After the war. After high school. All of it. What you'll do with your life when this is over," Shinji clarified. He spoke slowly, clearly having put thought into the question.
Asuka stared at the boy, a frown working its way onto her face. "Why would we think that far ahead? It's just so… weird. Far off. Why'd you ask."
"Yes, why did you ask?" Rei said softly. She kept her voice controlled, hiding her nerves. She didn't want them to know.
That fact surprised her. The Third Impact was so close and yet so far, and Rei found that she… that she wanted these two to remain unaware. They could not change it, nothing could, and she did not want them to suffer. Better for them to go on believing everything would be okay.
"Something Mari mentioned. Got me thinking is all," Shinji said
Rei stiffened at the mention of her former Eva partner. Her mind began to blur, and she almost reached into her bag for the SDAT player and headphones, a coping mechanism to drown out the world when the guilt and conflicted feelings came rushing forward.
Shinji put a hand on her shoulder, an anchor that kept her in the present. She paused, blinking in surprise, her hand hovering over her bag.
"You've got to stop that. None of us blames you. And Mari… she just needs time," Shinji said suddenly. His easy-going nature vanished, and he adopted a much more serious tone. A maturity.
Rei considered those words and noticed that both Shinji and Asuka were watching her carefully. Concern, showing on their faces. It surprised her.
She turned her gaze to the half-eaten pizza slice instead.
"I should not have come here. I'm sorry, I should go-"
"Please stay," Shinji cut in gently. Not forcefully at all, but a request. A plead.
Rei froze, a tremor working its way into her hand. The atmosphere of the restaurant hovered awkwardly over their conversation, and the pale girl found herself unsure of what to do.
"You don't have to leave… it's fine. Really, it is. Our lives… they can be messy, but no one blames you. You've been distant from everyone lately, and it worries us," Asuka added carefully.
Rei regarded the two of them in turn.
"The two of you, you have been kind to me. You have… planned this. Why?"
"Because we're your friends," Shinji said. The words came so quickly and automatically that it took the pale girl by surprise.
Yes… we are friends… aren't we? Rei thought slowly. What had changed? The aftermath had been difficult for all of them, each Eva Pilot touched by the Five Angel Crisis, all of them suffering from their own burdens.
Perhaps it was as Shinji said, it was the element of time. Time and small acts of kindness together having profound effects on one's life.
The words from her dream or vision, the unexplainable incidents, came forth.
"What benefit does regret bring? What do you gain from being bitter? For good or bad, every day is a gift. I make of it what I will." – words from an impossible dream, words from a Rei Ikari.
"… I will stay. Thank you, for… for being my friends," Rei said slowly, a shadow of a smile working its way on her face. A rarity for her, an expression she had been bereft of as of late.
Asuka slumped into her chair, breathing a sigh of relief. "Man… you two are always so serious. Feels like I grew up ten years whenever we hang out," the German joked.
Shinji smiled good-naturedly at the red-headed girl. They had all been aged before their time. Only in the past, only when looking back, did any of them feel like they had been children.
"I'm sorry," Rei said, still with a hint of a smile.
"Don't be. It's just who we are now," Shinji said with a shrug.
"Ahhh. Let's see, I guess I'd just finish school. With how things are going we're still gonna be piloting for at least into the next term," Asuka said, going back to the question from before.
"Come on, go further. Beyond piloting. What'd you think you'd end up doing?" Shinji said.
"I don't know. My parents will probably want me to go back to Germany. And after Eva Piloting… who knows? Maybe I'd join the Airforce, trade in the Eva for a jet. It wouldn't be the same, but it'd be something," Asuka said thinking it over, smirking slightly as the possibilities ran through her mind.
Rei was surprised at her newest friend. The girl she had known before had been overly attached to her Eva Unit.
"What about you, Mr. 'Highest Sync Rate', 'Universal Eva Pilot', and 'Misato's favorite,' eh? What's next for the golden boy?" Asuka asked.
Shinji considered that for a moment, thinking hard.
"Anything that doesn't involve violence. I'd want a quiet life. Maybe away from the city. A nice, peaceful place," the boy said.
"Such an old man," Asuka muttered, a knowing look on her face.
"And you Rei? What do you think you'd want to do?" Shinji asked.
After… there is no after for me. The end is so near now. I am sorry, the pale girl thought.
"Hey, what's wrong," Asuka said suddenly. A frown forming on her face.
"… Commander Ikari would want me to finish my education," Rei said, coming up with an answer quickly. Hiding her inner thoughts and somber reality.
"Forget about Commander Ikari. Forget about the Eva. Just pretend, what do you think you'd do? What would you want to do?" Shinji said.
Rei froze. That was something she had never considered before. A future beyond her purpose. She had never conceived of one before. But her dreams… her visions… that had been something. A fiction that was separate from her reality. Nice, in its own way.
"… I like… I like painting," Rei said slowly, coming to terms with the words. An excitement came from uttering it aloud, her secret that she hid from the world.
"Painting? Wow, I did not see that coming," Asuka said looking her over.
Rei's face fell and she spoke saying, "it is a recent interest."
"No. No, I didn't mean it like that. It's cool, alright," Asuka added in quickly.
"I'm sure they're fine. You should show us," Shinji said, the boy seemed even more surprised than Asuka, but he hid it well. Polite.
"No. No, I don't think I will. They're not very good. I'm still practicing," Rei lied carefully. She did not want them to see the archived visions, they would have been difficult to explain. She herself could not fully explain what they were.
"I'm sure they're perfect. Maybe another day," Shinji said mercifully. Rei nodded her thanks.
They ate together peacefully for the rest of the night. It was good… good to be out among her fellow pilots. She did not know how much longer they had, but for now, she chose to enjoy having her friends.
After finishing their pizza, the teenagers found themselves walking the streets of Tokyo-03 on their respective ways home. Asuka was speaking with someone on her cellphone, and Rei watched the expressions that showed on the girl's face.
"Finals were a pain, but nothing I couldn't handle," Asuka was saying. The person on the other end of the line spoke and the German girl smiled softly.
Shinji glanced her way too and together, Eva Team Zero watched as Asuka hung up muttering a quick, "love you too."
Rei tilted her head.
"It's… it's my dad. We talk sometimes," Asuka said looking flustered at the attention.
Shinji laughed saying, "that's great! I'm happy that you two talk. Right Rei?"
"Yes… it is good for you to be happy with your father," she said slowly. Another surprise for her, both for Asuka and for herself, she found joy in her friend's happiness.
Asuka's face flushed and she sped up forcing them to keep pace. "Thanks," the German girl muttered.
The three teenagers reached the turning point on their way. Shinji and Asuka heading for Misato's apartment, and Rei heading for her own.
Rei was about to say her goodbyes, and thank them for taking her out when suddenly Shinji stopped her.
"It's getting late. I think I should walk you home. Asuka? You're okay, right?"
Asuka raised an eyebrow at him. "Misato's is just right there."
"But Rei's place is further," the boy said.
Asuka shrugged, and Rei glanced between the two again. "See you at home," the German girl said, taking off without her roommate, and waving goodbye.
"You do not have to," Rei said speaking to Shinji.
"I don't mind. I want to," the boy answered.
Together, the two turned and headed for her apartment further down the block. The night sky overhead casting them in a bluish haze. They walked in comfortable silence. One that Rei could not recall having since their earliest piloting days when Shinji had first arrived in the city.
Looking out into the night sky, Rei felt guilty. She had friends after all, and they had been kind to her. And yet… she was not helping them. Gendo had given her orders, and she had kept his secrets, but… her friends were in danger.
Shinji and Rei reached the stairs of her apartment complex and began climbing them.
Regardless of what happens to me, there will be another. There is no escape. One hundred iterations. One hundred Rei Ayanami(s). But Shinji and Asuka…
They were reaching her front door.
Rei stopped walking, her hand moving stiffly to tug on Shinji's shirt. The boy stopped and a confused look appeared on his face.
Her heart started pounding in her chest, Gendo's orders clung to her like a vice, a presence instilled in her since birth, it held her down. Yet, her voice reached through, and she spoke in barely a whisper. Her first act of defiance against her life's mission.
"You are in danger… everyone is."
Shinji looked her over, expressionless.
Rei struggled to breathe, the mixture of shame, fear, and exhilaration at what she had just done startled her. Gendo's orders flashed by her mind like the sound of drums, commands to never speak of 'the work'.
"Commander Ikari is… Gendo is planning something," Rei whispered, her voice pained.
"Rei I-"
"I am sorry. I do not know how to help you. It can't be stopped, and I-" Rei began, she felt her eyes begin to water. Her friend did not deserve this fate. Whatever befell her, he was different. Pure.
"Rei. I know."
She was about to say more, but his words stopped her. She lost her breath. That was impossible. He must not understand what she was speaking of. If only she could do more. If only she could save him.
The boy reached up, bringing his hand to his face. He peeled the colored eye contact lenses from his eyes, revealing the true red irises underneath the disguise. Eyes that were nearly the mirror image of her own.
"I know about Gendo and the Third Impact. Human Instrumentality."
Rei whirled. Her world stopped making sense. Her friend had even used the term, the words that she had been forbidden to ever speak. He knew. He… knew.
How? How does he know? For how long? Shinji, you are in danger. Why are you still here? Why are you being my friend? You know what I am… one hundred iterations…
Rei stumbled on unsteady feet and Shinji helped steady her.
"I know," the boy whispered again. He took her hand in his free one, and held her gently, a sad smile emerging.
"You tried to warn me. Thank you for that. That means you really are a person. Deep down. You might not have believed it, but you are. I knew, but you had to see that for yourself. You disobeyed your orders," the boy said, still smiling sadly.
Rei stared ahead unblinkingly, peering into the boy's true eyes. Red onto red. Startling new revelations shook her to her core, a core she only recently discovered she had.
"… We are all going to die soon. The end is near, I can feel it. I sense it. Adam's Last Child is near and once he is gone…" Rei said in barely a whisper.
"I feel it too," the boy said, gesturing to the red eyes of his.
"But it doesn't have to end that way. You are not what he wants you to be. Only you decide what you are. Rei… I've wanted to tell you for so long, but I couldn't. You weren't ready," Shinji said.
He squeezed her hand tight, pleadingly.
"I promise you; you're not going to end. And we're not gonna die. We will live."
Rei still couldn't speak. She stared ahead in awe.
Gendo has already put it in motion. I have been put in motion. There is nothing that can be done. If not me, then another copy. Another Rei.
Shinji shook his head, seeming to know what she was thinking.
"Today, I asked you to imagine a world beyond the Evas. I promise we will make it a reality. I still can't explain it all. Not yet, but I'm going to save you. I'm going to save all of us. When the day comes, you will hear things about me, but it doesn't matter. I'll be there. I'll find you. For now, I need you to be patient. To keep this secret of ours and hold out until then. Can you do that? Can you do that for me?" Shinji said, his voice changed as he spoke.
Rei couldn't find her voice. She stared ahead at her first friend in the world, lost among his words and his ideals of turning her dreams into reality. She had thought she was something broken, corrupted, a tool that was performing poorly, and now she didn't know what she was.
He claimed she was a person. Part of her wanted to believe him. Part of her was scared. Her talk of a dream beyond the Evas was only partially true, an escapism that she had used to answer a question, but one that was not all-together false either.
"… I can do that," Rei said, at last, trying to sound stronger than she felt.
Shinji released her hand.
"We still have Armisael to deal with. From there, things are going to get hectic. It always gets worse before it gets better. But remember our promise. On that day, I'll find you," Shinji said, red eyes shining with the same maturity she had seen many times now. The boy truly was a boy no longer.
He knows the Angel Names. Perhaps… perhaps he truly can do what he claims, she thought.
Rei nodded, feeling tears well up. He reached over and wrapped his arms around her in a gentle hug saying, "just hold on until then."
"I will," Rei said, reaching out and returning the embrace hesitantly.
When it was over, the boy stepped back and put his colored eye contacts on. The red being covered by a close imitation of his old eyes. She watched him go still reeling from the days' events, from the discoveries, and the promise.
The apartment.
Rei Ayanami sat in her 'home'. Still in awe of what had just happened. Time truly was a strange thing, little acts spread over had culminated into today. Ideas she had never considered before, a new secret to keep.
One that scared her… and one that gave her emotions that she had no word for. Hope? No, something else, a mixture of relief and excitement, quiet fear, and surprise.
My dreams… the woman… the mother to be… she lived much longer than she had expected, the pale girl thought. Remembering the image of Rei Ikari.
The pale girl went to her bed and knelt down reaching underneath to the treasures she had hidden from the world. Gateways to that escapism she had ushered in, a coping tool along with the music in the days following what she had done.
She sat there, on the floor beside her bed, with the drawings laid out before her. Two different piles of them. One of them a collection of strange otherworldly images, beings that surrounded a tree, and oceans of light rippling, with a foreign night sky looming overhead. Even the stars were foreign in those images.
The other pile was a collection from a reality that Rei had deemed false. A fiction that she had used to escape and had wondered what it was. A dream that had seemed better than the world around her. Images of a woman and her family. A kind man for a husband, and also a sister.
Rei sat there looking over the pictures, wondering just what she had seen and why it was so hard to remember them at all. Why she had been forced to draw them before the memories faded.
"… were you real…" she whispered, holding a painting that depicted three young adults resting alongside a pile of wood, the rough outline of a hut in the background. A home being built with their own hands.
The Others… a different set of Shinji, Asuka, and herself.
Then something happened. Her world blurred, and the whispers came. The two voices that muttered about.
What is that?
Who is that? A better question.
Rei winced, her head hurting. The voices came from nowhere and everyone all at once. External and internal.
"Go away," she hissed, reaching a hand up to her forehead.
Stop it. You're scaring her.
We're helping her.
No.
Yes.
Rei dropped the painting and stood looking for the SDAT player. But her heart stopped when she heard the noise.
CLICK.
Someone was unlocking her door. Shinji again? No, the boy didn't have a key. How long had she been staring over the paintings? Too long. She hadn't been paying attention.
Rei rushed back to her bed, almost running and hastily shoved the paintings back underneath her bed. As if knowing something was happening, the voices quieted themselves.
The door swung open. Rei hurriedly made her bed, moving the sheets so that they covered up what lay underneath.
Gendo Ikari walked through her living room, looking exhausted, wearing his signature black attire, gloves, and tinted glasses.
Rei rose to her feet just as the man stepped inside her bedroom.
"Hello, Rei. I've been meaning to check on you," Gendo said in greeting.
"I am fine," Rei said, speaking far too quickly.
Gendo didn't seem to notice. He walked over and took a seat atop her bed, Rei moved aside, her heart pounding as he gestured for her to sit with him. She did so, and a chill went down her spine. A primal fear of what she hid under her bed, something deep in her cried to keep it hidden at all cost.
"I haven't been keeping tabs on you as I should have. I apologize. Mr. Fuyutsuki was kidnapped recently, and I have been seeing to his safety, and all of ours."
"I see. I had wondered what had happened. Security had noticeably been increased around the compound," Rei said flatly.
Gendo nodded saying, "yes. It was a precaution. An over-reaction on my part. Mr. Keel is a dangerous man."
"I understand," Rei deadpanned. Please leave.
Gendo removed his glasses. The man looked sad of all things, he slumped his shoulders and turned to look her over. His eyes traveling over her entire body.
"You look like her, you know. It was by design, but it couldn't be avoided. It had to be this way. You don't share a single cell of the same DNA, but you look so close to what she must have been in her youth. Yui was… she was a remarkable woman," Gendo said, speaking slowly.
Rei nodded absentmindedly. She wanted him to leave, too much had already happened this day. And Shinji… what the boy had told her changed everything.
Gendo looked away, choosing to focus on his glasses as he turned them side to side in his hand.
"Our time together is coming to a close. We must take extra measures to ensure it all goes according to plan. I trust that you remember your role to play?"
Shinji's words rang in her ears, fresh in her mind: "I promise you; you're not going to end. And we're not gonna die. We will live."
"I do," Rei whispered.
Gendo nodded. "I think you truly are my greatest creation. Rei Ayanami. Hmm. I think I will miss you when you are gone."
Rei looked up at that. She found it hard to believe. The words seemed… insincere.
"It had to be done. I wanted you to know that. That all of this is for a better cause. One must dirty their hands to truly get what they want in this world," Gendo said, and for once, hints of emotion found their way into his tone.
Bitterness, weariness, and perhaps a trace of regret.
Gendo rose to his feet. The conversation was over it seemed.
Then he stepped on something he shouldn't have. There, hidden by the bedsheets, underneath her bed, a single corner of one of her paintings was sticking out. In her rush to cover them up, she had left them awkward and one had slid to stick out.
"What is that?" Gendo asked, a look of complete surprise framing his face.
"It's nothing," Rei said speaking far too quickly. She hiccupped, and her heartbeat pounded in her chest. The chill returned; the inner warning that cried for those things to be kept hidden.
Gendo turned slowly to her, his height a towering thing that loomed over her entire bedroom.
The man spoke, a low dangerous tone that she had never heard before.
"Are you lying to me?"
"… no," she said.
"What are you trying to hide? Rei. There are no secrets between us. I made you. All of you."
Rei wobbled at the venom in his words, her face expressionless but inside she was almost screaming.
He took her by the wrist and pulled her off the bed before letting her go. The man grabbed the bedsheets and pulled them out of the way. He knelt down and yanked the two stacks of her paintings out.
Rei felt her hands shaking.
Gendo put his glasses back on. He looked over the paintings slowly and deliberately. His expression changed as he did so, from curiosity to surprise, to fear, and finally to anger. He whirled through her paintings, the images from her dreams she had recorded before they faded.
"WHAT IS THIS?" Gendo said, cold venom pouring into his voice. The man was red in the face, a dangerous glint in his eye.
He ripped a single paper from the stack, the other paintings falling to the floor, and held it up. It was a drawing of a couple asleep in the woods, a campfire alight nearby, and underneath the blankets, the couple's hands were interlinked. The Others.
Rei did not answer. She looked away; her eyes glued to her shoes.
"Ayanami," Gendo ordered.
Rei felt it, the command word. Her body responded of its own accord, a program running regardless of her will or consciousness. Yet she resisted, she pulled back.
Her silence was deafening. Gendo glared at her.
"Ayanami. Explain yourself," Gendo ordered again.
Her body acted against her wishes; her lips moved as if by force. Her conditioning did not allow her to refuse orders.
"They are from my dreams. One stack was a steppingstone to the other. The Tree of Life which made me remember the Others," Rei whispered, whimpering as her lips cried out trying to resist.
"What are the Others?" Gendo commanded her to answer.
Rei flinched back as if struck. "… the people in the pictures. The Other… the Other me. The Other him."
Gendo whirled at the paintings on the floor, searching for one he had seen earlier. He hauled it up and stepped back in shock and fear at what was depicted. A man that looked almost like himself, but thin with lean muscle that came from manual labor. A painting of a farmer working in a field, an adult Shinji Ikari.
The Director of Nerv wobbled himself. He rummaged through Rei's drawings and found one of the steppingstones. A painting of a group of luminous figures standing before a tree, an ocean of souls beneath them. There were markings on the ground, the same markings that were found on the Spear of Longinus… a glimpse into the birth of Adam and Lilith.
"You are never to make these again," Gendo said suddenly.
He grabbed the paintings in his hand and tore them up, ripping them into pieces.
Rei's eyes widened at the sight; her feet lost their strength. All that work, all that precious effort into keeping a record of the dreams, of the memories. Gone.
"No!" she cried, unable to stop herself. She fell to her knees, clutching at the battered remains of her dozens of paintings.
"We're burning them. And you are no longer staying here. You will be relocated to Nerv immediately. Your needs will be met, but you are to remain on-site at all times. You will train alone. You are to have no contact with the Third Child or the Second," Gendo said sternly, his voice devoid of any warmth.
He loomed over her as she wept quiet tears and ran her hands through the shredded remains of her drawings.
"No," she whispered through her tears.
"Excuse me!"
"… no," Rei whispered.
Gendo whirled, grabbing her by the shoulder and yanking her to her feet.
"Ayanami," he ordered.
Rei shook her head, trying to pull away.
Ayanami!" Gendo ordered.
"You are a bad man. You will kill them all…" she whispered.
SLAP.
Gendo struck her and she stumbled back colliding into the wall. Blood dripped down from the back of her head. She trembled, bringing a hand to her face.
"Ayanami… you are not following orders," Gendo said, panting.
The Director of Nerv knelt to her and placed his gloved hands around her throat.
I am sorry… Shinji. I made a mistake. I could not hold on. I failed. I was angry… angry for the first time in my life. Truly angry, Rei thought.
Gendo squeezed and Rei gasped as the life was choked out of her.
My friends… he is going to kill them. The Third Impact is the end, she thought. She reached her hands to his wrist, she failed to pull them off of her.
Gendo somberly squeezed on, holding back just as something bitter shone in his cold eyes.
Rei brought her hand across his face, striking him in the eyes.
"Ah!" Gendo shouted in surprise. Anger flashed, and he fully committed.
You don't know. Shinji says it doesn't have to be this way… the pale girl thought, the only light in a sea of black.
Rei's neck broke with a snap, and the pale girl faded away, her last thoughts of Shinji and Asuka and how she had failed them.
…
Gendo released the teenage corpse and fell to his knees sobbing. He ran a gloved hand through her hair and cried out in frustration and regret. Now that it was done, he let the tears slide down his face, breathless and his face stinging from where he'd been hit.
"… look at what you made me do," Gendo whimpered, allowing himself a small moment of weakness.
Yui… everything that I do, I do for you.
He looked down and gasped as he found the dead eyes of Rei Ayanami, the second iteration, staring ahead lifelessly at him. Gendo tried to close her eyes, but they opened again.
Of course. It takes time.
His hand stung, and Gendo hissed as he felt the Adam Sample stirring from within his palm. The surgically implanted Angel was moving, growing. He needed Fuyutsuki, and he needed to handle this.
Gendo reached into his coat pocket, pulled out his phone, and dialed the number.
"Have Security Forces send a car to my location. Have two men as guards and bring a body bag. Call Professor Fuyutsuki in, I have need of him," Gendo ordered. He gave the Nerv forces the address and then hung up.
He shook, holding the corpse in his arms. What was one more iteration to be sacrificed? One more price to pay for his mission. He was being foolish in becoming so attached, he had created a tool nothing more. And tools were replaceable.
…
The Geofront.
The Prisoner of Nerv stirred.
Lilith the Second Angel moved from within the confines of her imprisonment. She straightened, bucking against the crucifixion that held her in place.
Underneath the faceplate, eyes moved. Deep red, gargantuan, intelligent eyes narrowed into something cold and unforgiving. A fury kindled to life. An emotion never before felt emerged in the Ancient Prisoner.
Beyond rage. Hate. A new hatred was born at that moment.
A hate that rippled. Waves and waves of it spread, and all of her felt it.
That same night.
Lower levels of Nerv.
Secret Lab.
"What is the delay? We have no time for this," Gendo was saying. He strode through the dimly lit halls with Fuyutsuki at his side, and a body bag in his arms.
"I don't know what happened. I found them like this," Fuyutsuki said, walking slower than usual, still recovering from his kidnapping.
Two security forces stepped aside to let them in, and Gendo and Fuyutsuki entered the hidden lab. They stopped at the sight that met them.
The Rei Clones, all of them, iterations three through one hundred were all staring at them. Narrow, cold eyes glared out into the world. Ninety-seven pairs of them. The girls floated in their tanker, neither asleep nor fully awake.
Gendo let the body bag slip from his hands. The corpse container hit the floor with a thud.
Fuyutsuki watched as Gendo hurried to the console and scanned the readouts, checking the vitals and drug dosages.
"I've called for Dr. Akagi. I've set the dosage at maximum but… but the Rei(s) won't sleep. No matter how many times I drugged them… they resist," Fuyutsuki said, his voice shaking at this unprecedented event.
"… we only need one. We can dispose of the others," Gendo said.
Fuyutsuki gaped at him. Gendo worked the controls on the console, hitting the commands for a new iteration to be taken out.
"She's defective. We need to scramble her memories."
"Scramble her memories? Sir, that… that's dangerous. We update the copies regularly to avoid gaps as a precaution. Scrambling all of that… She needs to know about recent events for her cover. And… and she needs to know how to pilot," Fuyutsuki stammered.
"She'll have only what she needs to. Nothing more," Gendo said, hitting commands on the computer console.
Gendo watched, expressionless, as a robotic arm pulled one of the Rei clones free of the tanker and into a medical chamber. A helmet automatically went over the new girl's head, and lights whirled. The memory scrambling process began. A wipe from the most recent archived memory, the shared memory that was artificially inserted into all of the clones.
The door to the lab opened behind Fuyutsuki, and Ritsuko Akagi entered with her face going cold at the sight that met her.
"What are you doing?" Ritsuko asked, a hand on her mouth in horror.
"What's necessary," Gendo answered. He hit the kill command, and a poison spread into the tanker of the Rei iterations.
Ninety-six clones died silently, ninety-six pairs of eyes stilled and lost their spark before ever truly being born.
Rei Ayanami III, the only remaining iteration, twitched from within the medical chamber, the machines scrambling her memories and distorting them. Erasing whole chunks.
"… stop. This… this is wrong," Ritsuko breathed. Her voice was barely a whisper at the grisly sight before her. She looked around and spotted the body bag on the floor, it made her want to vomit.
Weak, they're all weak. They lack the will to do what must be done, Gendo thought.
He turned to her, to his assistant and lover of convenience. "Don't tell me now that you've come to care for the girl?"
Ritsuko turned away as if she'd been slapped. She sobbed silently at what was being done. Fuyutsuki only stared at the body bag, an old man seeming to shrink before them all.
Gendo scoffed, turning back to the console. He would have to be careful with Dr. Akagi, she had her limits apparently. Fuyutsuki would recover, the man could be given leeway after his ordeals.
The Director of Nerv turned his back on them. "Deal with the bodies. I need to oversee the new Rei Ayanami."
"Sir," Fuyutsuki said struggling to look at the corpses numbering in the nineties.
…
Misato's home.
Shinji Ikari woke with a start. He was sweating bullets, and his Angel senses were going insane. The threads, the network was active. Something had happened.
The boy rose from his bed, his expression grim.
The Broken Man materialized in the dark room with him, another mental projection. The Old Shinji fumed, his hands clenched into fists, his hollow empty eyes weary and on edge.
"Something terrible has happened. It's all wrong. It wasn't supposed to be this way," the Broken Man said through clenched teeth.
"I can feel it. What is it? What went wrong?" Shinji panted.
Outside, in the network, it was like a maelstrom through what remained of the connection between all Angels. A frightening frenzy of activity that had woken the Shinji(s).
"… I don't know. Rei… I think she's hurt. Lilith is hurt. And… he has come."
Shinji grimaced.
…
Outside the city of Tokyo-03.
The Angels appeared without warning. Dropping into the night as if from some dark void separate from the natural world.
Armisael emerged onto the Earth, a rapidly revolving ring of light; double-helical in nature, but its form was not static. It changed, reshaping at will. At his side were two of the Beast Angels, they stood like furless gorillas armored in scales, and they paced around their master. Yet their skin was incomplete, gaps in the plate-armor like scales exposed muscle.
Adam's last and most favored child had arrived. The Sixteenth Angel had answered the call.
This was a dark chapter. Lilith is pissed.
I tried to keep exclusively to Rei's POV. I wanted to have these interactions and character moments, touching upon all the Eva Pilots, before everything goes down. Just how all of them have changed throughout the course of the story.
We're so close to the final arc.
What did you think of Rei Ayanami getting a glimpse of Rei Ikari? Lilith? And the last of the Rei Ayanami(s)?
Thanks for Reading and please Review.