Leah On Fire
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Leah had just come in from getting the mail when the door opened behind her.
"Happy Thanksgiving!" shouted Judith Young, straining to carry her hefty bags. She left them all in the doorway and sank into the couch.
"Yes, happy Thanksgiving!" echoed Emily as she rushed into the house to escape the rain.
Seth smelled food and immediately been dragging the bags to the dining table, where he unloaded pies, casseroles, and a still-hot roasted turkey that fragranced the entire house.
Sue came in from the kitchen. "Oh!"
Judith smoothed her short bob. Leah wanted to punch the demented beautician that encouraged the forty-year-old to get gold highlights. When the woman realized she wasn't getting any compliments on her horrible hair, she simply went, "Surprise! We've brought you dinner!"
Sue Clearwater crossed her arms. "Really, Judy, you shouldn't have."
And she meant it. Thanksgiving wasn't cause for a huge celebration on the Quileute reservation. Some people hated it. Sue Clearwater was such a person. As a teenager, she would find ways to protest against the "Day of Mourning", from fasting the entire day to dressing in all black (of which her mother certainly did not approve). Once Sue had her own family, she mellowed quite a bit and took an apathetic approach to the holiday.
"What's a little surprise between family?" cooed Judith, giving out hugs to her cousins.
"It's Wednesday," protested Sue.
"You're right dear, it's Thanksgiving Eve, and I wanted to make sure Seth and Leah had a proper meal this year before you scraped something together tomorrow."
"I never 'scrape together', Judith." Sue's eyes said more than her words ever could. One simply did not mess with Sue's cooking methods. It was never a good idea. "We are not in need of your casseroles."
"I learned some recipes from a cooking channel," Judith said primly. "I know for holidays, you prefer that...traditional cuisine, but this isn't the fifteenth century, Sue."
Seth jumped in. "Judy, can we have the pies, first? I'm craving desserts."
"Yeah, let's get to eating!" encouraged Harry.
Emily caught on. "Good thinking!" She peeled the lids off the pies.
Judith shrieked and began to gather everything into the kitchen before the father-son duo could tag-team her dishes.
Sue smirked. "Alright, guys, go wash your hands," she said in a tired voice.
Leah tossed the pile of mail she'd been sorting through. "Wait, Mom. We have a lot of food. Why don't we share with some neighbors - Mrs. Grady will come, at least." There was no doubt that if Sue was sharing, her guilt would be lessened.
And who could say no to good food? Mrs. Grady indeed, came, as did the Hunts and five of their adorable little children, then Mr. Powell and his fiancee. Twenty minutes later, they had a big feast spread out before them. The whole dining room table was full, in addition to every seat and chair being occupied in the living room.
Even though everyone was nearly too full to move by the end of it, Harry still turned the radio to the eighties station. He grabbed Sue's hand and led her in a clumsy dance.
"Harry," she laughed. "You're going to step on the children!"
"No, I won't. They fixed me up in that hospital and made me twice as smooth. I'm thinking of taking up ballet," he grinned.
"Don't even think of it!" But Sue gave in and let him twirl her around the room.
Seeing her parents happy like that made Leah smile. It made her want to forget past arguments and disappointments. For the first time in a while, she caught her father's eyes and smiled.
He grinned back at her. He released his all-too-willing wife and approached his daughter. "Let's dance!"
Leah burst into giggles. "Are you trying to foxtrot? That doesn't go very well with Billy Idol."
"No trying, succeeding."
By now, a few others had joined them in dancing, so Leah decided to be a good sport since she wasn't the only person looking like an idiot. Once Harry had calmed down a bit, she decided now would be an okay time to talk. "Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"Now that I'm eighteen, I'm free to go as I please." She rushed on when she saw him frown. "And I intend to go away to college next year."
"Next year, huh? Where?"
Leah almost tripped in surprise. "Well, I'll stay in-state, of course. The University of Washington is my first choice. The guidance counselor is helping me look for scholarships. I think my chances are pretty good, but I have back-up schools."
"Are you sure that's what you want to do?"
"I'm sure, Dad."
Harry nodded thoughtfully. "Then go."
Her eyes lit up. "Really?"
"Of course, I am. You've more than proven yourself to be responsible and mature. Go make something of yourself unlike your old dad," he joked. She could see he didn't mean it at all - if he never stayed in La Push and became manager of the old seafood restaurant, he might've never gotten a shot with her mother.
"Okay, dad." For today, this was the closest she would come to them being friends again. "Now, I think Mrs. Grady is in desperate need of a dance." Leah pointed to the grumpy old woman in the rocking chair.
Leah went into the kitchen to grab another dinner roll. The dishes were already washed and dried. Emily was poking around the cupboards, causing quite a mess. "These aren't even in any specific order," she grumbled, rearranging the spices.
"Quit showing me up or my mom's gonna ask yours to trade," said Leah, even as she began to help her cousin with what seemed a pointless task. She sat on the counter to get a better view.
"I'll be sure to make you look very busy, then," Emily winked as she headed for the door.
"You jerk!" laughed Leah. She was glad to get back to her dinner roll. At least Seth hadn't gotten around to swiping leftovers, yet.
The back door swung open without a knock. Sam looked too big for the kitchen. The house suddenly felt like a hobbit's home from The Shire. Even as she sat on the counter, he towered over her. "I smelled food," he said with a shy smile. It was an amusing contrast to his large build.
"Oh did you now?" Leah teased. "I guess you're not here to see me, then. I'll just be going."
"Well, I wouldn't say that." He crossed the room and leaned down to kiss her. Leah wrapped her arms around him, but he pulled away. "If your father walks in, I'm a dead man," he said with a roguish air.
She leaned closer. "And if you don't stay and help me clean this kitchen, you're still dead."
"Got it." He kissed her once more.
The kitchen door opened. Emily was balancing three stacked glass pans, each of them nearly empty. "Sam! I thought I heard your voice. We're done eating, but we've got a bit leftover. Oh! Do you want to take a pie for you and your mom, too?"
Sam wasn't listening. He was gaping at Emily as if she were speaking Swahili. He stayed frozen in place, a tall, dignified statue with a rather odd expression - somewhere between shock and fear.
Meanwhile, Emily shifted uncomfortably looking between Sam and Leah for an explanation.
Leah grabbed her boyfriend's arm. "Dude, you're spazzing out. It's a little freaky."
Sam swore under his breath and looked away from Emily. "It was nice to see you. I've got to get home now."
He barreled through the back door. The screen door almost flew off the hinges.
"Did I do something wrong?" asked Emily. She was always afraid of upsetting people, of hurting someone.
"Of course not," Leah told her. Sam always said Emily was a nice girl. Emily supported their relationship more than anyone. Any animosity between them was unlikely. They hardly knew each other even, until Leah started dating Sam. Sam being a weirdo at a random moment was extremely likely. She'd learned to roll with the punches. One day, he would tell her all his secrets. "He has his mood swings."
Emily climbed up on the counter next to her. "Aren't you the one who's supposed to have mood swings, being the girl and all?"
"Yeah, I guess I am," Leah shrugged, reaching for another roll. "I'll check on him later."
"Oh, is that what you were doing when I came in? What an odd way of checking on someone!" Emily said, amused.
Leah shoved her off the counter. "Clean the kitchen yourself," fake-scowled.
It didn't matter. She ended up cleaning the kitchen herself, once everyone had left. It wasn't very late, but her parents were both tired (Sue from the long hours of socializing, Harry from his extra helpings of food). Seth claimed to have homework, but the beeps and shooting noises upstairs led Leah to believe that wasn't the case. She'd have to sneak up on him and give him a wet willy later.
Once every surface was scrubbed, the floor was vacuumed, the leftovers were put into the proper containers, and she did about a hundred other tasks her mother would just redo tomorrow, she turned on sitcom reruns. Something silly would put her mind at ease. Before she could collapse on the couch and bewail the ways the family made a Cinderella out of her, she went to answer the door. Judging by the soft knocks, it wasn't anyone they knew - likely the Jehovah's witnesses had switched to night hours.
"Yes?" She opened the door with a huff.
Sam's worried eyes met hers. "We should talk," he said gently.
Leah tried not to give away too much in her expression. Could today be the day he told her his secret - about the wolf and last fall? Maybe she finally had his trust again. "Alright. My parents are asleep, I think. We can stay out here." It was chilly, but Sam gave off enough body heat for both of them. Maybe muscles emitted energy? She wasn't much of a science student, so she'd have to ask her mom.
"Okay."
Leah sat down and Sam hesitantly joined her. She grabbed his hand. "So, what's up? Did you apply to university yet?"
He took a shaky breath, looking more like a teenager than he had in a year. "I won't be going to university, Leah."Sam slipped his hand out from under hers.
Her body went cold. "Why not?"
"I only said I'd go to make you happy. But now, I think that...we shouldn't be together, Leah."
"You think we shouldn't be together," she repeated softly. Repeating the words didn't make them make sense. It was like trying to convince herself the grass was blue and the sky was green. "You think that."
"Yes. We're done." He sounded sorry. She thought he was sorry. She hated that he would do this and still have the nerve to be sorry.
Leah rocketed to her feet. "Why?" There was no anger in her words. Only pain.
"I no longer want to be with you."
"That's a lie. That's a freaking lie. Look at me! Look me in the eye if that's the truth!"
Sam stood. His dark eyes locked on her own. "We are over. I don't want to be together. I'm sorry if this hurts you, Leah." There was conviction in his words and the hint of a threat.
Leah felt as if her body was being hollowed out like she was being experimented on with some sort of awful drug. She leaned on the railing against her porch to stop her collapsing. "What did I do to make you hate me?" The tears came before she could stop them.
"Leah, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. This isn't your fault. It's mine."
Was this the wolf secret? It couldn't be, or else he would've ended things last year. Or maybe it became too much of a secret to keep, she thought. Maybe there's more to the story, and he's protecting me from it all. "Whatever you did, you don't have to go!"
Sam hesitated before telling her, "I'm not...worthy of you anymore."
"Don't say that! I love you, you idiot. I don't care about whatever you're hiding."
Sam placed a kiss on top of her head. "I care, Lee-lee. And so would you. Don't try to follow me or contact me. Stay safe."
He jogged down the street. She watched him until she could no longer see anything in the darkness. And then, there was nothing but her, the shabby little houses of her street, and the forest.
Her gaze shifted to the bright moon above her. The light seemed to twinkle tauntingly at her.
She screamed a cry guaranteed to wake the dead and kicked the side of the porch. The guilt that she might wake someone didn't reach her. She only wished there were more things to scream at and break.
Like a woman on a mission, Leah ran up the stairs to her room. She grabbed her backpack and dumped it onto the floor, ignoring the scissors that scraped her shin. "Come on," she mumbled, shifting through the supplies. Finally, she got them - the pamphlets from different colleges, the scholarship packet, the SAT prep info and put them in a pile. She grabbed the lists of sources and information she collected last fall when she'd been looking for him. She pulled his love letters out of a shoebox in her closet, but couldn't bring herself to put them in the pile. One day, maybe.
She grabbed her pile of papers and stormed back down the stairs. Once at the porch, she pulled her cigarette lighter. She was glad she never threw it out after her mother cut short her sophomore-year smoking stint.
Watching the pages burn up in the night did nothing for the fire inside of her. Instead, her body shook violently, unable to handle the flames. But even if the shaking never stopped, the tears certainly did, and that would have to be enough.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Even if she weren't on Thanksgiving break, she wouldn't have left the house. For three days, all she saw were the off-white walls of her bedroom and her old blue comforter. All she heard were the whispers of her family throughout the house and all she thought of was how warm he'd been on that cold night.
All she felt was a deep sense of grief and shame. She had failed. Somewhere along the line, she had lost his trust. She'd been too hard on him when he came back to her. She should've known her temper would drive them apart - she gave too many insults and too little comfort. She was a selfish, immature brat who didn't deserve a man like Sam Uley.
That kept her from hating him. If she hated herself just enough, she couldn't hate him. Who would disagree, anyway? Her mother and father were too biased to see her for who she was. No one around town was quick to call her cruel, but she wasn't known for being kind, either. Maybe Emily would disagree, but Emily was too gentle at times. Maybe Alice, but Alice came across as a bit naive for all her wisdom. Edward, then.
She snorted at the thought. Edward would only disagree in favor of arguing that he was far worse of a person. She would focus on assuring him and that would make her feel better.
A chill ran down her spine. Edward was the reason Sam had a secret to keep from her in the first place. And now Sam was gone, likely for that same secret. If the Cullens never came, Sam would have stayed the same, he would never have left her -
She couldn't go down that path of hatred, not of people who saved her life and looked out for her. She had more honor than that and some things had to stay untouched or risk being incinerated by her anger.
She threw off the cover and went to the kitchen. It'd been a pointless day at a run-down school that should've closed years ago. Miss Bean was the stupidest person alive, but in deep competition, with Ms. Beaker, Mr. Jenkins, and every other barely-qualified educator the school managed to scrape up. She knocked back a couple of aspirin.
"Don't take those too often," her mom muttered. Leah hadn't even noticed she was there. Sue was at the table, scribbling notes into a binder. Leah wished she'd inherited whatever gene made her mother so efficient and together all the time.
The younger woman agreed and began to search through the fridge. At least she felt like eating again, even if everything seemed bland. That'd be good for her health, she thought in a feeble attempt at optimism. Instead of opting for a bowl of cereal like usual, she grabbed a banana.
"Wait, stay," Sue ordered before her daughter could make a hasty exit. She took off her reading glasses and rubbed her eyes, looking much older for a second. "How do you feel?"
Instead, she said, "I'll be okay." That was probably the biggest lie she ever told her mother.
But it was the kind of answer Sue liked to hear. "I know, honey. It hurts a lot. But you're strong, you're brave, and you can get through it. Today, it's the end of the world. A year from now, you'll look back and laugh."
"Maybe," Leah shrugged, still feeling she was in a dream and this conversation was imagined.
"Give yourself time to be sad, baby. You loved him -"
"I still love him," Leah countered.
Sue wouldn't take the bait for an argument. "Of course you do. But take the time to grieve. Cry it out. Talk to your friends. Pick up a hobby. Write about it. Or sing about it! Just get it out of your system so you can get back on track with life."
Sue didn't get it. Or maybe she understood too well and that's why she gave a little speech. Leah's life was no longer on the right track. The train was completely derailed and damaged being repair. What she thought was certain was now impossible - the engagement, going to college together, the spring wedding in her backyard, the little house with the white picket fence just a block away from her parents, the two little kids. Once he was out of the picture, that future was ripped away from her. She couldn't even fake it with another guy, not when her heart was already taken.
The phone rang. "I'll get it," Leah insisted.
A panicked Emily was on the other line. "It's Emily. May I speak to Leah, she's not answering her cell phone," she stammered.
"Easy there, cupcake," Leah quipped. "I just didn't feel like talking anymore." She'd told Emily about the break-up of course, and Rebecca. Any more than that and she'd get sick of talking.
"We need to talk, now. This is serious."
Leah took a big bite of her banana. "I'm all ears."
Emily sounded near tears. "Sam came over. He told me he broke up with you so that he could be with me. He thinks he's in love with me or something. Leah, of course, I told him, where he could put his stupid excuse, I did! I can't believe that creep. I'm so sorry, Leah, I really am…"
The phone clattered to the ground. Leah might have heard the last part if her mother wasn't currently giving her the Heimlich maneuver.
What the actual f -