Damned if You Do

Saturday, June 4, 2005

Leah closed her eyes as she ran, magnifying the feeling of the wind raking through her hair and the sun burning her skin. Even sweating wasn't unpleasant when she was running. Every color brightened at these times.

Behind her her father slowed, wiping sweat from his head. "I'm just going to walk the rest of the way."

"No, come on! Just a few more minutes!"

"No, we've been running for too long. I've got to get changed and be back in my office before my break is over. Your shift is over, so you can run home if you'd like."

Leah bit her tongue from snapping at her father. Didn't he care anymore about his health? He was more concerned about council business and the restaurant then he was about the family and his recovery. "Okay. See you later, Dad."

He patted her shoulder. "Thanks for not giving up on me, kiddo."

She smiled. "Of course not. How could I?"

He gestured vaguely. "I don't know. You seem distracted these days. I know you're busy with work and school. And college is coming up soon, but..."

"Yeah?"

"But I have to be sure." He fidgeted awkwardly. "You're not...you're not hanging around those people any more, are you? The doctor's family?"

"Dad!" Leah hissed.

He held up his hands in defense. "Me and your mom are proud of you. We don't want anyone or anything getting in your way. No ex-boyfriends… No monsters."

She looked up and down the street to see if anyone was nearby to hear this embarrassing conversation. "I'm one hundred percent safe from both of those things. My main focus has been, and still is, my education. I'll get to med school if I have to crawl my way there."

"Are you still upset about university, is that it?"

"Not so much. Community college will be just fine. I'll save money, plus I can transfer my credits to a university after a couple of years, anyway." She laughed wryly. "If it was good enough for Mom, it's good enough for me. Like you said, I've just got a lot on my plate."

"That's my girl," he cheered. "You get knocked down, you get back up again."

Leah glanced at her watch. "You've got four minutes. And Hakeem should not be left alone with the lobsters."

"We're almost two hundred days without food poisoning!" he gasped. Harry practically sprinted the last quarter-mile back to Chief's Seafood before his trainee ruined the food.

Leah turned and jogged lightly, hoping to find an empty house when she returned.

She hadn't lied to her father, had she?

She was the same as she had been last fall. She did want to go to college, get into med school, and become a pediatrician. It had occurred to her that her father's poor health, though the result of his own bad choices, was never properly cared for on the reservation. La Push was lacking in medical practices and in clinics. They were a small population, but they needed more, at the very least, someone stable here, who wouldn't be put off by the tedium or the hardship and leave after a few years. They needed her.

So she'd trade a decade away from home to return and set up her own pediatric office. She'd be the start - caring for the children's health. Though it irritated her to consider Sam's help, she might even get a foothold with the council, set something up to promote exercise and to make fresh food available and affordable.

Her goal would be completed, even if the fairies came knocking on her door. She wasn't even truly saddened, when she realized she hadn't earned enough scholarship money to bridge the gap for university. But she'd save more, work harder. Nothing would stop her.

Her parents were proud of her, for showing such determination and forethought. They probably wouldn't be as proud if they knew what else kept her busy these days.

Leah gritted her teeth and pushed harder. As she watched the path ahead of her, little rosebuds sprang up between the cracks in the sidewalk, swaying animatedly, as if to say 'hello'. A swath of sunlight peeked between the clouds, cranking up the heat of the hot day. She forced herself to walk.

What was this power? A tool created to benefit nature and mankind and to keep the earth lush with greenery, yet gifted to her as a weapon. Troy, Echo, all the fairies, even Ella herself were training for war and defence. Even if she left home, she'd still eventually play her part in the fairies' fight. She'd still be instrumental in killing someone. To be precise, she'd kill.

She shivered. No, she had six months, at least, before any of that mattered.

Leah stared at her feet so she wouldn't focus on the way the wind shifted directions, how the grass dried and browned as she passed. Echo had told her that newbies didn't have full control of these things. It was normal for emotions to shift the environment, in small details a human's eye would miss. This was her new normal.

If she calmed down everything would be fine. There was the smell of fried fish lingering on her tank top. The sun warming her legs and arms. A drop of sweat on her forehead. Ten, nine, eight, seven -

"Leah."

A tap on the shoulder jilted her out of her zen. She turned to see a familiar face.

Jared Cameron. Perfect.

She shifted uncomfortably, but kept a brave face. "What's up?"

He rocked back and forth on his heels, smiling, to her surprise. "I was at the Quick Stop," he said, pointing across the street to a gas station and convenience store.

"Good eye," she offered.

"Thanks. Are you alright, you seemed to startle for a second there?"

"I'm fine. I was running home."

"Oh, me too. I'll walk you."

"No need," she insisted, waving him away.

"It's not just chivalry. I'm on James Street, too."

Of course she knew that. She wasn't that self-absorbed. The Camerons were pretty popular. Mrs. Cameron loved throwing parties and Mr. Cameron worked for the school. Even so, the rez was so small she'd know them if they were hermits.

"Did you get a good run in before the dizzy spell?" he politely asked.

"Thankfully, yes." She cast her eyes upward. "It's the heat, it's -"

"Torture," he agreed, with an easy grin. He clasped his hands behind his head as he walked, humming to himself. He was a cute kid, with dimples and a cleft chin. She hoped Jared wouldn't go around breaking hearts, now that he was super tall and the apprentice of a dirtbag who encouraged boys to run around half-naked.

"Though, not hot enough to go shirtless," she chided, elbowing him.

He laughed. "Got me there. I'm just showing off."

"Boys," she muttered, rolling her eyes.

"We're not all bad." He frowned. "Hey, about Paul…"

She sucked her teeth, prepared to give the cuss-out of a century.

"Sorry," he said.

"Who's sorry? You or him?"

"All of us, really. He can be an ass, but it was a bad night for him. Doesn't excuse him, I know."

"Of course it doesn't," she bristled. "He got off easy."

"Yup, his face would've been ruined with the punch you threw. Well, that's what he told us, anyway."

"Really?"Leah couldn't help puffing up at this praise. It was nice to think a big dumb boy was somewhere cowering in fear of her. They were in front of Jared's house now, but he continued to talk as they headed down the lane.

"Yeah. But the thing is… Paul is a sturdy guy. So it's a wonder your hand is still in good shape."

"Sturdy?" Leah scrunched up her nose. "I guess he's ripped, sure."

Jared froze, looked around his front yard, his cheeks flushed red. In an undertone, he finished. "Sturdy, like Sam. Or me."

Leah's throat felt like it was closing up, trying to force her words back down. "I wouldn't know anything about that."

Jared shook his head. "You're not as good at lying as you think you are."

"What the hell could you possibly know about me?" she snapped, stepping back.

"Nothing, really. After the party, Sam started to wonder about you. About what you knew and what you were hiding. He would've come talked to you himself, except that seemed like it'd lead to more drama."

"So they sent you to play nice."

"I never 'play nice'. I am nice. But I don't want to talk about me. I want to talk about you. We'll trade a secret for a secret."

Leah fixed her eyes on the front door Jared gestured towards. He seemed the picture of goodwill and honesty, though a bit embarrassed. What good would it do to make further waves and suspicion surrounding herself? How long before her father was involved again? Would it matter if she walked away?

Though, first, she had to bend the situation to her will.

"It's not so fair, is it?" she asked. "It seems you suspect me of knowing your 'secret' already, so what is the point of me telling you completely new information in order to listen to old news?"

"It wouldn't be completely new. A select few people on this rez know your story. Only Sam has gotten some details from them, just enough to be reassured you're safe. But I was told to mention…" He shifted, looking embarrassed and confused. "...A godmother of yours?"

She was in too deep. Way too deep.

Leah crunched on her sixth chocolate chip cookie, ignoring the disgusted looks from her audience as crumbs flew everywhere.

"So there I was," she narrated. "Lost in the middle of the Sahara desert, no water in my canteen, and funky from a week without showers. Then a glittering lake opened before my eyes! The water flowed towards me, submerging me under, and gills appeared on either side of my head -"

"Oh shut up, already!" Paul shouted, his fists clenched tight.

"Dude, calm down," Jared said, his eyes glancing around the kitchen, from the fifties-style cabinets to the ancient ceiling fan, from the open windows to the apple-shaped wall clock. "My dad is right upstairs. You're about to break something."

"I am calm," Paul grumbled. His bulky shoulders looked awkward in the narrow little chairs. He looked like a grown man playing at a tea party with his daughter. "She's the one making the room hotter -"

"Thank you," Leah beamed.

"With all her yammering on," he finished.

"I want to tell you. I so badly want to tell you this 'big dark secret' you think I have. I just can't tell which one you're referring to," Leah said, her eyes as wide and innocent as a doe.

Jared sighed. "Leah, we were very courteous in making sure Sam doesn't show up here. We didn't want either of you to feel uncomfortable. But we just need you to explain why you were able to hit Paul and get away injury-free."

"Not until he says it," Leah declared.

"It?" Paul arched one eyebrow. "I told you 'I'm sorry' as soon as I got here."

"No, no, no. Your shitty, half-ass apology has already been mercifully accepted by yours truly. I want you to explain why you're so durable."

Paul and Jared exchanged glances. In a short moment, they seemed to have a long conversation.

"We can't," they said in perfect unison.

Leah punched the table as lightly as she could. "You're trying to trick me into giving away my story but now you're telling me you can't even give yours?"

Jared leaned in and spoke low and fast. "You already seem to know. Think about it. If we were to announce it, and your secret wasn't as serious as ours, we'd be idiots."

Leah nodded carefully. But she knew their secrets were not equal, magically as they both were. Hers could be treasonous. Hers could be her ruin if anyone found out all she was mixed up in.

"We were told, very specifically, by Sam, not to tell you anything until you answered our question," Paul said, his thin brows knitted together in irritation, or concentration. "We were told we couldn't even hint at it. Not to mention any of the 'unbelievable stuff' until then."

"So try to work with us here, Leah," Jared added. "Understand, a lot could be at risk if a bunch of crazy, suspicious rumors were circulating the reservation."

Leah sighed dramatically as she slumped over to the open windows over the kitchen sink. She ignored Paul's bitching as she slammed the windows shut and removed the door stopper, enclosing their little meeting space. She leaned over the table. "Imagine a girl having a mental breakdown in the middle of a hospital, crying on a public bus in the rain, breaking a mirror, being stalked by a fairy godmother who grants you mystical powers and enlists you in their fairy war against vampires. How's that for crazy?"

Jared laughed, unwillingly amused. Paul grumbled a few curses.

The kitchen door swung open, nearly knocking Leah in the head. She was ready to fight (even poor old Mr. Cameron), but the visitor's next words stopped her.

"I wouldn't laugh, kids," Billy Black said, rolling up to the table. "Since that's just crazy enough to be sane."

As Billy talked, Leah found it hard to concentrate on the old man without feeling guilty or defiant. He seemed to be observing her too, even when he looked at Paul or Jared. Where she once respected his wisdom, she now resented it. It only served to remind her of her own uncertainty and mistakes.

Billy sipped his lemonade slowly, taking his time to choose his words. He turned to Hank, the council elder who had helped him up the porch. "Thank you. I'll be done in thirty."

Hank nodded and headed upstairs to talk to Jared's father about business or something.

Meanwhile, Leah focused on the edge of the table, only glancing up when needed.

"You are a strange girl, to be once so combative, and now so ashamed," Billy told her. He didn't sound critical. Just honest. "I suppose we must first address the Cullens. Everyone in the room is aware of the legend of the Cold Ones. And we all know of it's validity. And I suppose, boys, Sam has made you aware of Leah's...connection with them?"

Jared nodded, though he looked a little green, and Paul managed to bite back whatever remark he was thinking.

"This has nothing to do with them," Leah insisted.

"Yes, it does. It has everything to do with them. Because as we all know, the Cold Ones have affected Sam, Jared, and Paul in ways the legends have spoken of for years. This is not news to you, is it, Leah?"

She lowered her gaze. "No."

"Sam is the leader of the new Quileute shape-shifters," Billy declared. "This is what he worked to hide from you, from everyone. He began to suspect the Cullens had broken their end of the treaty on this account, judging by your last encounter."

She so did not want to discuss this with an elder and two stupid teenage boys. "Yeah, I get it! But don't blame them fully. It was hard not to piece together. He was acting like a buffoon that year. And now, randomly befriending two freshman boys!"

Jared raised a hand. "Sam was my old tutor. I've always considered us friends." He turned to Paul. "Oh my god, were we not friends?"

"Don't know, don't care."

"Well that is the whole of their story," Billy said. "We know what happened to the Quileute boys - what was fated to happen, should any vampires approach our land. What I couldn't understand is what happened to you. That is, until I considered a certain favor called in by an acquaintance, last winter. Demanding permission for the Cullens to return to Forks."

"What? Who would pull that crap?" blustered Paul.

"Who could?" questioned Jared.

"The simple explanation is that one of their own died on our watch. It was something of a misunderstanding. It was decades ago but they resented us enough to ignore us, until now." Billy sighed. "A group of fairies, or sprites, or elves, or whatever you want to call them. They had made a deal with the Cullens. But it didn't make sense why either side would want this so badly, enough for the Cullens to request it, or for them to bother renewing our acquaintance. That is, unless someone else made this request. Someone of interest to both parties," Billy explained.

"Me," Leah confirmed. "They did it for me."

Ignoring the baffled silence of both Paul and Jared, Billy continued. "Yes, when Sam came to me two months ago, asking me to keep an eye on you, he was thinking the Cullens had done something to you upon their return. But I knew better. Something stranger was afoot. A few weeks ago, the queen answered my request for a meeting. When I accused her of interfering with Leah's life, she laughed, but she didn't deny it."

Leah refused to squirm under his disappointed, severe stare.

Billy shook his head. "It shouldn't be possible. But somehow, she'd sought you and turned you into one of her little fairy folk. I don't know what made her take an interest in you, but it worries me. I admit, though our people have a history with the fairies, it has been so insignificant we hardly mention them. For all we know they may pose an even bigger threat than those bloodsuckers. Perhaps you were like me, Leah, and wanted to be a hero. Maybe they sold you on their little vampire hunting mission. But it's risky. Harry and Sue would be heartbroken if something happened to you. I don't know what to make of it."

Leah lifted her head. "I made the choice that seemed right. If I have the chance to help someone I will. It is no different from Sam and these guys."

Paul looked like he'd been slapped. "We are doing what our ancestors need us to do. We shift to protect the tribe. It sounds like you just want to play dress up in a tutu and wings."

"Paul's got a point," Jared speculated. "You're doing this for them. For strangers. You're a tool to them."

"Not to mention they've allied themselves with the Cullens."

"Why wouldn't they?" Leah fumed. "They are looking to protect their people from the wild vampires, same as we are. The difference is they can admit to needing help. They are attempting to broker peace between all of us, but you're so backwards all you care about are the treaty and ancient feuds!"

"How can you say we don't care about peace? All we try to do is protect people. We're trying to protect you, but you're too busy kissing the asses of the vamps and these freaking fairies!" Paul hissed.

"If your version of peace looks like fear and prejudice I don't want it! If your version of protection is to keep out someone in need of your help, then you're already failing!" The conviction in Leah's eyes and the steel in her voice were enough to silence any other protest. For a minute, the humid air around them seemed to suppress any other attempt at speech.

Billy nodded thoughtfully. "I was hoping you would say that."

"What?" Leah hesitated.

"Leah, we have a whole pack of shapeshifters to protect us. But with all these changes, I worry it may not always be enough. How would you feel about becoming the official protectoress of La Push?"

"Look into the future for me Alice."

They were sitting on the rooftop and for once he didn't mind how the sun made his skin glitter. His mind was too preoccupied to bother with entertainment or study. Instead, he was allowing himself to just be.

His sister looked up from her sketchpad and blinked at him. Her eyes were wide open, pencil hovering above the page and he willed it to move. But it couldn't.

"It would help if you tried to change your mind," she muttered. "Which you won't."

"Right."
"What are you writing, Edward?"

"Patrick's last song premiered so well he commissioned me for another." He sang her the melody. "He requested an 'ode to youth'."

"A challenge for you, to be sure."

He started to smirk, but then he saw her tightened expression. "Yes?"

She didn't look up from her drawing of the view in front of them. Her voice was gentle. "Be careful with that boy, Edward."

"Why would I?"

Her eyes fluttered shut. 'I see it.'

He forgot to breath as he watched her vision play out.

Patrick's eyes squeezed tightly in pain as he lay in the hospital bed, gasping for air -

Edward looked away, swallowing his frustration. "I've watched the memories in his mind before. I don't need the future episode."

"He looks up to you, Edward. He calls you a friend. But he's ill."

Now he was debating going inside. "You think I don't care about that?" He took a deep breath. "He hasn't even admitted to me that he's sick. The boy doesn't even like to think about it - not the treatments, the symptoms, the ER visits. All he thinks about is his band. There's nothing I can do for him but what I have been doing."

"Just don't hog his final moments if you're using him to distract yourself from Leah."

"I'm not.." Somehow, she'd thrown him for a loop. From one uncomfortable topic to another. He tossed aside his notebook. "It's not that simple."

And Alice, being his closest friend in this life, knew things without needing explanation. 'You're going to lose her if you keep acting so distant. If you're not going to be with her, at least be a good friend.'

He drew his head between his hands and tried not to see himself through Alice's eyes. The withdrawn, almost cold expression. Then Leah's face, the hope in her eyes fizzling out as he turned from her.

He gasped suddenly, his sight and hearing flickering out for a moment as he tried in vain to keep down his emotions. "I can't think about this." His voice sounded weak. "There is a mission."

Alice faltered at his broken tone. "What if it wasn't just about the mission? Stop confusing yourself. Say what you want."

For someone who typically knew what he wanted, even if he seldom knew what to do, the question had no clear answer. He shook his head, a rueful smile forming. "I have everything I should want."

"Truly?"

"Alice, what would you do if you were me? And Jasper human, free to leave? If he were meant for greater things, tied to dreams you could never share? Would you keep him trapped within your love? Could you steal him from his family, could you bind him to this fate, could you hide him from the world?"

But these were pointless questions. Alice was interested in a very different type of hypothetical. She closed her eyes, and peered once more into the future.

"Alice, what do you see?"

"I see nothing. But for what's it worth, you should give her a chance to love you back."

He shook his head, rising to his feet. "A chance? She would laugh, she would be repulsed - "

"Don't paint her as cruel when you know she's not." She paused. "Do you believe she feels nothing for you, to any degree? No attraction, no interest?"

He closed his eyes, thinking of Leah's hammering heart when he drew near. That'd been happening often as of late. But she was a passionate person. Her heart beat rapidly at the thought of everything from puppies to hamburgers. "I'm not sure."

Alice didn't quite believe him. She turned from him, back to sketching. "You will have to take the final leap yourself. If your heart is honest, you won't need a guarantee to follow it. After all, you may live a long life, but you only have the one."

He didn't like the images accompanied by the thought, but beyond them her words were plain and true.