"Francis Forever" - Mitski
The Stars Fall
Saturday, September 17, 2005
The day of the meeting, Leah kept to the reservation. This protected her from having to choose where to stand later: at her brother's flank, protecting Seth but, sadly, showing her deference to Sam, or next to Edward, which felt safe but would come off traitorous, despite the treaty, despite her father's crash, and despite everything.
She'd rolled her eyes while stripping and preparing to shift that night. The two groups - families, covens, clans, packs or what have you - fought more against each other than with each other.
'That's the idea,' Quil taunted, racing past her.
'Focus, Quil,' Sam chided. His agreement was suppressed, not absent. He just knew better to pick a fight with Leah, especially today.
'I outrank all of you,' she reminded both them and herself.
'Then why are you here?' asked Embry, half-annoying, half-curious.
Good question. She often wondered the same thing herself - why her soul was burdened with both the magic and the shapeshifting. How was she meant to bear the weight of Protectress, pack brother (no, sister), and Guardian? Too much responsibility, too much power poured into one small, fragile vessel. She didn't really belong anywhere.
'You belong here,' said Seth, some of his old sunshine returning and chasing away his anxiety.
She yipped and nudged his shoulder playfully as they slowed into the clearing.
They all met at the border. As Sam shifted and changed behind a tree, the Cullens stood in a rigid line, like a magazine shoot for some high-end outdoor fashion line. Leah raised an eyebrow at the complementary shades of gray and green. Alice's styling of the family only further heightened the differences between the two groups. Flaunting their wealth wouldn't win over any of her pack brothers.
'Nothing could, leech lover,' Paul grumbled off-handedly, but Leah was too distracted to bite back at him.
The pack spread out in a lazy semi-circle, closing in on the vampires. Leah stretched out the closest to them, Seth a little ways behind her. Most of the Cullens offered nods or smiles as Carlisle and Sam made the introductions. Emmett waved at Leah like a frantic preschooler. Edward unabashedly stared at her, as if she existed just for him to admire. She tore her eyes away. It was too much to share these moments when half a dozen rowdy guys were in her head.
Jared pretended to gag. Why on earth were her thoughts about Edward any more nauseating than him daydreaming the whole run about getting to second base with his imprint?
Billy was only there in spirit. He'd stopped by her house earlier that day to discuss this matter, and now, she felt bolstered by his guidance. The rest of the elders would be updated by him. They didn't feel the need to integrate themselves in the supernatural business unless deemed absolutely necessary. Some of them preferred to know and see less, as if that would protect them more.
"Okay, listen up," Sam said. "We're involving your coven, since we're going to need as much manpower as possible. Or…creature power."
His lame attempt at a diss tickled more than annoyed Leah. She looked at Edward, and he relaxed, almost imperceptibly, amused by her amusement.
"However, the revised treaty remains in effect. Since our council meeting last summer."
"What rule?" Emmett asked, faux-innocently.
"You all must move further away from our land, since the minimum of three more boys have shifted."
Leah growled.
"Three more people. Quil, Embry, Leah, and Seth."
Jasper spoke up. "It would be illogical for us to avoid the very land we need to guard."
Emmett tried not to pout, to his credit. "And we didn't even do it."
Leah flinched at the shallow trace of his words. Edward shoved his brother, who mumbled an apology.
Sam nodded. "Right. Which is why I think we should delay that until this threat is eliminated. But keep note of it."
Carlisle clapped his hands together. "That is perfectly acceptable. We'll start a guarding shift."
Sam lifted a hand. "Sorry, doc, but that's not all."
"Then what…?"
"Leah has an idea." The alpha's expression twisted, but he forced the words out. He turned to his ex-partner-turned-packmate. "Would you like to explain?"
Leah met Edward's eyes across the field.
The bronze-haired vampire was perfectly at ease, her thoughts flowing freely into him. "Leah needs to do something. Today."
Leah tried to relax, tried to stand tall under the weight of everyone's worries.
"She needs to lay a protection spell on all of us." He paused, for a fraction of a second, interpreting her scrambled thoughts. "It's similar to the shield she uses in battle, but constant. An unwavering energy, a…a second skin, so to speak. Harder to damage. And…enemies will be put off by it… Wait, no. She thinks it may work like that. It's just a possibility."
Jared shook his head. 'I don't like this. It's too risky.'
"Jared, it's a risk we're going to have to take."
'Don't tell us what risks to take!' Paul was ready to fight again.
Edward sighed. "I'm merely relaying -"
'How often are we going to keep playing with magic?'
"What are they saying?" Carlisle wanted to know.
Edward started to speak, but Sam stepped in. He said, "Listen, if any of you still think just because all of this is beyond what we could have imagined it's somehow a game or a storybook, I'll arrange for you to be sent back to your mother. This is survival and this is war. I'm sorry you have to think this way at your age, but there's nothing we can do to change it."
No other shapeshifter spoke up.
Alice cleared her throat. "How could it work, Leah? Like, on us? It's not as if we have anything for your magic to attach to."
Carlisle considered it. "We don't know for sure if we have souls or not. It hasn't been ruled out."
Edward shook his head. "She's saying - it's more physical…"
Quil startled. 'Woah, what could that do to our bodies? Will it mess with our shifting?"
"It might, it might not."
"What?" Alice asked, confused.
Leah growled in frustration, drawing everyone's attention then ducked behind a tree. In record time, she shifted back to her human form, unhooked her sundress from her ankle, threw it on, then returned. The rest of her pack brothers had also shifted, eager to continue the daunting conversation.
"I was saying," she huffed, "that it may be more of a physical than a spiritual protection. This spell is used to strengthen a being's natural abilities, but because of its magical nature, other fairies can definitely sense it, and some other creatures, such as vampires, may be able sense something off about you and find it intimidating."
Edward made a noise in the back of his throat, and Esme turned to him, questioning.
Leah drew in a breath, shifting her weight to one leg. "I should tell you, it requires me pulling a bit of my own power from my soul. Which is a little dangerous. Just a little."
The shapeshifters and vampires muttered amongst each other, taking in the information.
"But everything we do here is dangerous," she continued, not wanting to dissuade them.
"I don't like it," Edward muttered.
Sam suddenly became her strongest supporter. "Of course, you're only concerned with her safety and no one else's."
"Someone has to be!"
Seth groaned. "Headache."
Leah put a hand on her brother's shoulder, and looked around, meeting everyone's eyes. "It's moot at this point. It's my choice, I just want you all to know the risks."
No one spoke for a moment.
"What about our tribe? The defenseless people? How can we protect them?" Sam asked, irritated.
Leah pinched her nose, recalling Billy's words. "Not everyone is as lucky as us."
For a second, no one spoke. Then Carlisle looked to Esme, who took his hand.
"We'll do it," volunteered the mother of the coven.
Sam pursed his lips, but said, "For Harry."
Leah looked away from him to hide the burgeoning camaraderie swelling in her heart. Instead, she rested a hand on Seth's arm. He looked so young and yet so strong at the same time. Her possible effect on him bothered her the most.
Because what she didn't stress, was that this would be the undoing of her. The tearing of her power from her soul. Not all of it. Not a broken bone, but a scraped knee. Without training and supervision, this was the riskiest thing she'd ever done. She was playing games with her safety. But if she had the choice between a little pain and seeing anyone she loved in the state her father was currently in, she'd do the magic every time.
She took Seth's hand on one side, and Esme's on the other. Slowly, with varying degrees of caution and anticipation, everyone around her held hands.
"Paul, you have to take Emmett's hand," Leah said. "Complete a full circle."
Paul titled his head back at her, his eyes rolling so hard they'd probably fall out. She mustered an apologetic look. He shivered and loosely held hands with the smirking "lunkhead" Cullen.
"We've gone full witch-mode," Emmett muttered.
"We're not witches," Sam corrected him.
"No, we so are," Quil piped up.
"Let her focus so we can get this over with," added Rose.
Leah nodded to her, and then whispered, "Lend me your power."
Everyone stared at her, discomfort and impatience mugging up the air of the forest.
Leah relaxed, as she felt the warmth filling her from the inside out. "When I pull from the trees, the sun, wind, I feel my energy change. The spell I recited will transfer that energy to your b - Oh!"
She cried out, her spine arching, and her head thrown back. It was as if someone had scraped their nails down her spine, taking some skin and muscle off with it.
The woods around Leah shifted, swirling gray clouds falling from the sky and blanketing the trees. Around her, everyone else remained somewhat calm. But her wings fanned out behind her and the ground rolled away from her. Now levitating a few feet in the air, she looked down to see herself, twisting violently, even as Esme and Seth held onto her.
"Leah!" Seth started to draw back, but found he couldn't let go. Everyone else tried to tear at the circle, but it was no use. It only worsened that nails-on-the-spine pain.
The Real Leah managed to hiss, "Don't. Move."
Not a broken bone, but a scraped knee, she reminded herself.
Yet it hurt like being shattered into a million pieces, like landing face first after diving off a building.
Edward was giving her that look again, one of admonishment and fear, all trust and admiration fading.
Midair, Leah's soul tried to wretch free from the invisible float, to rejoin her contorting body. But nothing was working.
The Real Her forced an ugly smile, looking more and more unhinged. "I can handle it."
No you can't, whispered the Wolf. You can't.
She could because she had to. And nobody asked -
Please. I can only bear so much. The voice was factual and clipped, at her breaking point.
"Lend me your power!" The real Leah shouted again, shaking. Would she shift here and now? Would she hurt everyone? Was this even working - "Please!"
"Leah!" Edward called…
"Don't resist, it's hurting her!" someone yelled.
Her brain swirled. Here she was both invisible and hovering and detached, yet grounded and tortured and shivering. Her soul, her body. Both in danger.
Then, she felt it. Pricking at the the edge of her mind was her awareness that her powers were separating from her body. Something was untying and disappearing.
She didn't shy away from it. She leaned into it, giving up what once was intertwined with her soul.
I can't any longer.
The wind slowed. The clouds rose back to the sky. Even the fever pitch of the birds became communal chirps. The pain didn't cool off, but the boiling became a simmer. Her soul started to settle back into place so that she no longer was seeing from two vantage points but just one. She blinked a few times to be sure, but yes, she was together, and alive. And everyone seemed okay. Only terrified.
"You can…you can let go," she whispered, throat hoarse.
"I - I felt that," said Seth.
She grabbed his chin. "What? Are you okay? Don't -"
He shook her off, gently. "No, no. Like, something was crawling into me." He saw her face. "Not in a bad way! Just, weird. Okay, yes in a bad way."
"Totally freaky," added Embry, shivering a little. The drama queen. "Like some alien invasion. Pretty sure something's going to burst out my chest later."
Edward frowned, meeting Carlisle's eyes. "How odd. We didn't feel anything."
"Nothing?" Leah grimaced. Had it all been for nothing.
"No. If it works on the pack, then it wasn't a total loss."
She scowled. "Let's not be so high and mighty right now."
"Careful -"
Her body exploded into a burst of blue light, lighting crackling in her veins. Something like thunder echoed in her ears, and she screamed in agony.
"Leah!" Edward held her to his chest, but she groaned in pain at his touch. Frightened, he released her and she collapsed to the ground.
"Oh!" The light disappeared as quickly as it'd come, but her muscles shivered, as if on the brink of shifting, but unable to make that final push.
Carlisle was at her side instantly, scanning her. "Internal bleeding."
Edward started to lift her, but Sam outstretched a hand. "To her parents."
"What, no! Carlisle has all the equipment. There's no need to make a spectacle."
"It's already a spectacle. If something happens she should be with her family!"
Edward smiled coldly. "Something's already happening, so she should be with people who can help her."
"You're not the only person who cares about her."
Both Edward and Sam turned to see Seth, nervous and shaky and young, staring at his feet. It was unclear who he was speaking to.
Edward pursed his lips, then looked away. "You're right. To the reservation."
Seth shook his head as if clearing the fogginess of a dream. "No. The doctor's house would be better."
The boy carefully scooped up his sister, who went limp, shivering and struggling to breathe.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Two voices argued above her head. Probably the last two voices she'd ever want to hear in a million years, but here she was, in some antique-looking room she could only assume was Carlisle and Esme's - judging from the old fashioned pattern of the canopy above her head and the smell of aged books and perfume. Esme had probably kept this room looking much unchanged from however long ago it was built. Fifty, seventy years? Who knew? Her head hurt to think about it too much.
"Why not let her stay?" Emily was saying, her voice high and sharp, cutting through Leah's delirium like scissors.
"I told you - " Sam started to reply, before lowering his voice. "Are you...are you actually jealous of her?"
"No! I mean, maybe a little, but I've thought about this."
"So you want to throw her to…" Sam sputtered.
"The wolves?" Emily quipped, uncharacteristically sarcastic.
"To monsters! One who wants to make her the Bride of Frankenstein."
"He's not the Phantom of the Opera, Sam."
"Don't bring Andrew Lloyd Webber into this. And, no, he's worse."
"She's tougher than you think. Always has been." Emily sat down somewhere, the soft thump of a high back chair giving in at her weight.
"It's not him hurting her, I'm worried about. Not completely. It's them distracting her from real life."
"Leah is never going to have a normal life, okay? So she may as well be where she's happy."
Leah craned her head to the left and watched Sam pace behind Emily's chair, where her cousin sat playing with her nails.
Just because she wasn't talking didn't mean she wasn't alive. "Can a person get a little rest after a traumatic injury?"
Sam was wearing a button-down and khakis. The peach of his shirt matched Emily's A-line dress. Posed by the sunlight, they looked ready for an engagement photoshoot.
"Such bright colors for my funeral," Leah tried to say with her usual acidity, but the ache in her abdomen and the drugs melted her words.
"We have my friend Louise's housewarming." Emily batted her hand. "But it's not imperative that we go."
Sam scrubbed his neck. "Dr. Cullen said you should be cleared to go this morning. Do you feel like you can stand?"
Leah pushed herself to sit up. It was miserable, but indeed, possible. The surgeries had taken hours but Carlisle, Edward, and Rosalie had the tougher challenge of keeping the pain relief high enough to outpace her crazy-high metabolism.
What was more troubling was the complete exhaustion and emptiness she felt. Like the person who had done what she did yesterday was even her. She was more Leah the girl than Leah the hero.
Sam gestured toward the door. "Emily, would you get her things, please?"
Emily started to move, but then locked eyes with Leah.
Leah shook her head, "I don't want to go."
Sam sighed, "Bullcrap. You could do fifty push ups if you wanted to."
"Exactly, I don't want to. I can't go yet."
He started to speak, but Emily grabbed his wrist. "C'mon."
The three of them had a mini showdown. Sam crossed his arms, still expecting Emily to pack up Leah and for Leah to crawl out of bed and follow the leader. Leah gritted her teeth, not because any alpha commandment had been given, but simply to stave off her sleepiness. This was what she wanted. She didn't want to travel back home, where her mother was already worried sick caring for her father. She didn't want to leave this bed or do much of anything. She wanted this safety and privacy. She didn't want to be vulnerable and useless in La Push, where she'd be likely trapped and hidden away by the pack, if not Sam himself.
Emily and her were out of sync, never again to be really family. But sometimes, things just shifted back into place between them. She took one last long look at Sam, then turned on her heel. "We're going Sam."
"What?"
"It's the least you could do."
The alpha staggered back a step, then regained his composure. "We'll be back to check on you."
"Please send Seth. And my mother."
He nodded and shut the door behind him.
Leah shook out the fingers she didn't realize had been twisting her bedsheet.
Friday, September 23, 2005
A knock at the door. Leah's automatic reply was: "I'm sleeping."
Edward opened the door anyway.
Rage bubbled up, but it was all gas, no weight to it, now that she was in such poor shape. She flung her magazine to the side. "What?"
He didn't smile, but he closed the door behind him and sat on the edge of the bed. And even though she was being an ungrateful brat, he asked, "How are you?"
"I'm fine." She stared back at him, eyes flickering over the playful tilt of his head and the determined set of his jaw. "No."
"I didn't ask yet."
"I'm still saying no."
"Do you want to come play baseball with us?"
She didn't answer, and he ran a finger along her outstretched shin. She jerked away from him. He immediately drew back and apologized.
This again?, they both thought, disappointed and fearful of slipping back into their dysfunctional state, back into distance. But it couldn't be helped.
"You're not weak, Leah," he whispered. "You're amazing."
"I didn't say I was too weak." She wiped her forehead. It was too hot today.
"Then why -"
"Won't I leave?"
He leaned away from her and her accusing tone. "I never want you to leave. But I know you're staying for the wrong reason. You're afraid."
"I can handle the pack and my family, I'm just being cautious -"
"No. You're afraid to suffer more, but it's inevitable."
She hugged her arms protectively over herself. "It's not that it hurts. I'm worried that I can keep going and giving up every part of myself and hurting more and more…but it still won't matter in the end."
"The patrols are working… The spell is working…"
"For now." She dug her nails into the sensitive skin of her arms. He was more cynical than she was, and it disturbed her that she'd now reached such a low he had to take the burden of reassuring her. "My body, my soul, my power - I function for everyone else. And I am not for me. Don't deny it. It's true."
"I'm for you." He didn't touch her, but he didn't let her look away. "I am."
She nodded, but any word was difficult to say. She reached for her reading material, but it was snatched away. "Hey!"
"Come play with me."
"I'm not in good shape."
"Emmett and Rose aren't here. We'll play you, me, Alice, and Esme against Carlisle and Jasper. Is that fair?"
He was already walking away.
"Damn it, Red." She got up from the bed for her first unnecessary purpose in weeks. Her feet slapped on the floor after him. "Jerk," she muttered to herself, even as she pulled on her shoes and followed that disappearing speck of bright hair.
Leah slid into home base within the same breath that Carlisle caught Jasper's throw. Edward dashed to her, collapsing in the mud next to her and slung an arm around her shoulders.
"Our win!" Alice leaped in the air, higher than the treetops. Leah couldn't help laughing at her antics along with the Cullens.
Jasper gave his partner a serene smile. "I saw a few cheap tricks in there."
"Name one."
"I was definitely safe in the last inning."
"That depends. Do we count the edge of the base or the top of the base as touching it?"
"Alice, be reasonable."
She giggled and ran off, her husband not far behind.
Esme waved to Edward and Leah. "Carlisle and I should hunt before our turn. Do you two want to join us?"
Edward stifled a laugh, lifting his chin to the gray skies.
Leah declined for both of them. "I think I'm gonna go eat, too, actually."
After they left, he gave her an innocent look. "I don't suppose you're hungry for some deer blood?"
She took a swig of her water bottle. "Seriously? What would I look like racing along with you guys and catching animals? It's not going fishing."
"Or you could just watch," he offered, retying his shoelaces.
Strangely, her imagination conjured images of Edward crawling across jagged rock and swiping blood from his stained lips. A weird sense of embarrassment came over her. She crouched and started gathering her things. "We should go back in before the rain gets -"
"Right." He cleared his throat.
When he looked up, she realized she'd been too close the whole time, hovering over him.
Both being cowards, they stood. Almost the same size, weight leaning on the same leg, same awkwardness in their not-quite-smiles. And they were still nose-to-nose. Leah couldn't tell if he was getting closer or farther away.
Both possibilities were scary, so she snatched his hat and held it away. "Gotcha!"
He reached for it, but she was just a touch slicker, always a bit ahead.
"Come on!" he laughed when she held the hat behind her again.
"Not until you admit I'm the better baseball player!"
"You were better than last time -"
She swept his leg out from under him. He snapped his arm out and pulled her wrist. They landed in a heap, him breaking her fall somewhat by catching her waist. Her knees still slammed into the dirt, but she wasn't hurt.
When she lifted her face from his shoulder, Edward laughed at her. What a jerk.
Leah grabbed her arm, conjuring an imagined pain. "Damn it, Ed. Are you nuts?" she whined in fake agony.
She'd meant it as an exaggeration, but he sat up instantly, tenderly holding her arm. His hands were familiar and different at the same time, and for a moment she froze, memorizing the touch.
He apologized quickly, and repeated it over and over, under his breath, like a prayer.
"It's fine!" she declared, yanking out of his grasp. Her brain mocked her, playing tricks, telling her his fingers lingered when they didn't. "You know I was just kidding."
He smirked. "I know. I just wanted to make you feel bad for lying."
She reached into the mud and flicked some into his hair. "You're such an ass."
In a flash, there was a bigger streak of dirt on her cheek. "So are you."
Suddenly the silence and chill became apparent. So did their closeness - they sat side by side with outstretched legs, facing each other, her right hip pressed to his left. Too close, too close, too close. She scooted away a little, not only because they both needed to get out of the storm and shower, but just as she did, she felt his eyes on her. She paused, somehow unable to stand.
"Are you truly okay?" He leaned forward, his outstretched legs to her right, pressing into her own.
"Yes," she said. "This is the first time in a while, I've felt okay. So thank you."
He nodded, several emotions flickering across his face. She thought he was done, until he touched her hand, his fingers skimming her thigh. His gaze was steady on hers. "I meant it," he murmured, touching her hand, "You can stay here for as long as you need to."
She paused waiting for that little voice in her head to tell her to pull away, to run. But it was silent. All she heard was rain hitting the ground and her own heart competing for her attention.
He licked his lips. "Number eight."
"Yes?"
His thumb brushed over her knuckles. "We kissed before."
"The first was all adrenaline," she stupidly felt the need to add.
He licked his lips. "Not completely. And not the second time."
She didn't look away. Couldn't.
"Do you regret it?"
No, they weren't too close. They were just right. "I don't."
"Then, can we try again?"
She'd been sitting very still, afraid to pop their bubble. But now she wanted to break it, to find more than what she's forced herself to settle for.
Her hand tightened around his. 'Yes.'
One second the two of them were close. Next, they were pressed together. His kiss was gentle. For no exact reason, they pulled away quickly, and laughed, staring at their linked hands. When she glanced up, his golden eyes were bright with an energy she rarely saw, the kind he found with music and running and little else.
She found herself leaning in, wanting to try again, too. Her hands went to his hair and his slid under shirt, tracing her spine. Everything was unhurried and soft, but above them the sky rapidly darkened to slate gray.
They'd kissed in the rush of adrenaline, in the heat of the moment, with intensity and need and real, honest love. But for the first time, they kissed as if the world had paused. Perhaps, for them, it had.
A crack of lightning ran across the sky. Leah broke away, her body alert and her hands shaking, glowing bright blue. Edward caught her wrists, his eyes dark with concern. Despite the pain it caused him, he wrapped his hands over hers, curling them. The stifled light dimmed, then disappeared altogether.
That act alone made her want to try all over again. So she did.
Around them, cracks of lightning struck the field, but always managed to miss them.
She thought they'd stay there all night, until he broke away and said, "Let me take you somewhere."
"No."
He blinked and started to retreat. "Perhaps we should stay in? Have dinner here?"
That didn't feel right either. Her hands uncurled in front of her. She stared down at her palms. "Let me take you somewhere."
He started to laugh, but she held fast to his wrists, fingertips sliding beneath the sleeves. He held back a sigh of relief at her touch. "Leah, you haven't used your magic since your injury."
She leaned forward a bit. "Let's hope I don't get sick."
"You won't," he swore, always eager to give her the impossible.
She guided him to a tree and laid her hand on it. For a moment, nothing happened.
"You think of it," she sighed. "I can't focus."`
He knew where they needed to go.
They showed up on the outskirts of town. During the few blocks they walked, she kept thinking he'd turn into a bookstore or a library. But he took her all the way to that bar, with the graffiti on the walls and the unyielding floor stains. This September evening, the room held heat in a way it didn't last winter. And happy hour had brought in a solid crowd, though maybe that was for the band.
Edward froze just inside the doorway, his grip on her hand tightening as he watched Strawberry Moon prepare and tune for their set. "I didn't think he'd be…"
"No Patrick," Leah whispered, frowning.
"Stay here."
The vampire made his way to the stage, where he waved, got the drummer's attention. Gracie shuffled over to him.
"How's he holding up?" he said.
"You're his cousin, right?" Gracie asked, eyes narrowed.
She clearly was onto him, even if she didn't know why she didn't trust him. No use lying. "No, just -"
"He's gonna be home awhile. The doctors said he should conserve his energy while he still can."
Edward's expression solidified into something scary and feline. Everyone he loved was in danger, and Patrick was the most helpless of all of them. Edward could fight monsters, but disease was a kind of evil he didn't know how to face. Why hadn't dying of an illness himself given him the gift of healing or something helpful? Oh, that's right. Vampires weren't meant to help the general population. He must have mistaken himself for some other kind of creature.
"Hey," Gracie said. She looked a little uncomfortable. "Just go visit him or whatever."
"Yeah, okay, I will. Soon." He started to leave, but turned back around. "How did he seem?"
She shook her head, faded blue hair catching the dim lights. "I haven't seen him lately."
"Oh. Never mind, thank you."
"We had a fight," she blurted out. "So if you see him, just tell him, I'm sorry. I'll be there soon. Not that last part, just 'I'm sorry.'"
"You don't want to tell him yourself?"
"God, no," she laughed bitterly. "He's my best friend, but no." She shoved her hands into her back pockets and glanced over her shoulder at her bandmates. "I'm messing everything up. The best thing I can do right now is just take care of the band."
"Is that what he wants?"
She straightened. "Did he tell you that? Know what, never mind. It's not worth discussing that."
He stood there before a moment. "He wrote new stuff."
"Yeah?"
He didn't know who or what exactly compelled him to speak or even if this was the right time. But Patrick's music weighed on his heart like an anchor. He couldn't leave here burdened. "Wanna hear it?"
She bit her lip, "I don't think the guys will mind."
A few moments later, Edward took to the stage. He felt sequestered and sick at the crush of people around him, and he knew his unearthly charm was no match for Patrick's charisma, but he didn't care to try.
He just locked eyes with Leah. Leah who clutched her glass of ice water like a lifeline, Leah who slumped over the bar, who wiped sweat from her forehead, but still managed to give him a genuine encouraging smile.
He didn't look away from her as he announced, "This is Strawberry Moon with a brand-new song."
I've met you in my dreams again
Our bedroom in an unknown house
I whistled while I ironed towels
On the bed you read the news aloud
But you're no dream you're a cannonball
Burn me up like you know I've earned
I've always been a cannibal
Anything from you is well-deserved
I played ballads to your back
I laid wishing on my step
I wrote poems that I can't forget
I carved out days to see your face
His voice was too soft at first, but the musicians slowly filled in their own improvisations, swelling the music into something real and grungy but sweet.
If they see me smiling someday
It's because of you, of you
I never wanted anybody like
I needed you, need you
You've given more than you can take
You taught me there's no way to dance
You pulled me deep into your lake
And wrote 'I see you' on my hand
If they see my smile's full
It's because of you, of you
I never wanted anybody like
I needed you, need you
The driving rock rhythm faded into something softer and more personal.
If my world goes dark forever
There's still a light in you, in you
If you tell me now is never
I learned hope with you
But
If they see my smile's real
It's because of you, of you
I never needed anybody like
I wanted you, want you
The bar cheered loudly as Edward thanked them and handed off the electric guitar. People pressed into him as he descended from the stage and he felt, rather than heard the noise of them. They were talking, they were so loud over Gracie's flat tone announcing the next song, and they were making so much noise it was static. And their faces swam, the colors muting, swirling, and fading into nothing. Into darkness.
He gasped, squeezed his eyes shut, and opened them, and when he regained focus, Leah was holding him, shaking him, whispering in his ear to, "wake up".
He stumbled as he came to, tugging on her sweatshirt a little. If she were any other person, the sheer force of him collapsing onto her would've sent them crashing to the ground. Instead, she grabbed his shoulders and pushed him off her a little.
"He's a lightweight," she called to someone. People closest to them were wondering if that girl could handle the drunk pawing at her, some even wondering if they should step in.
Edward straightened and a few people quickly turned away, too distracted or intimidated to do anything. As his vision cleared, he looked down at Leah, whose eyebrows knit together.
"Edward?"
"I need some air." And he fled from her.
She followed him out into the alleway. "Edward!" Her voice punctuated the noises of rushing cars and drunk people on the streets.
He remained deceptively calm. "I think you should go home and rest."
"Don't you think we should talk first?"
He reached the corner, and raised a hand to hail a taxi. "No."
"Excuse me?"
"It's my thing, and it was nothing, actually. Just let it go."
She swallowed, looking around the sidewalk as if for help, or courage. "No, I don't think I can. Because the last time I cared about someone, letting things go didn't really work for us."
He dropped his arm and slowly backed away from the curb.
She grabbed his shoulder. "Are you ever going to tell me what's wrong?"
"Please don't run when I tell you this."
She leaned into him, slow and unsure. "What?"
"I love you. But don't leave, please." The words were strung together and almost impossible to hear. "Please," he begged, his face dropping all aloofness and hostility.
Many things happened at once. Her heart soared and her throat went dry and her eyes stung and her stomach twisted and her breath caught and her nose wiggled because she knew and he knew but nothing was like hearing it.
She forced herself to respond, pulling him gently next to her onto a wet bench by a street lamp, the orange glow staining their linked hands. "Edward."
He didn't speak, only stared at her as if she were his life raft.
"Why would I leave because you love me? Because you'd dance with me and sing to me? Because you'd look for me in the forest and stop pretending it was accidental? Because you'd kiss me anywhere, any time?" She wiped her face. "I'd never be afraid of your love."
He raised her hand to his mouth and kissed it. "You're too good for me."
"Red…"
"You will be afraid, because it's killing me. It's killing me, Leah."
"Of all the melodramatic ways to phrase…" Her voice trailed off. "You're serious?"
And he talked and she listened. And there was little to be done, he said, little to change. But he'd try. He'd try.
And it wasn't fair, but he held her as she cried, when it should've been the other way around.
She awoke around midnight to Edward extracting his limbs from hers.
"Sorry," he murmured, his face in shadow.
She blinked, and remembered they'd fallen asleep on his couch. The pain always resurfaced when she woke up and she failed at hiding her wince.
"I can stay." He was pulling on his shirt. "If you want."
'I do want. But you shouldn't.'
"Promise you'll rest?"
She gave him a mocking shrug so he rolled his eyes, kissed her forehead, and left.
It was past time for her to have her daily continental breakfast at The Cullen Hotel. Despite her erratic sleep schedule, she managed to be eating constantly. Like a pregnant woman, Aunt Judith had once joked a few weeks ago on an unexpected visit, and Leah had snapped back at her, but ended up leaving her burger unfinished.
Now, she carefully balanced a bowl of yogurt, nuts, granola and berries and a plate of bacon, eggs, melon, and french toast. By now she was such a pro at preparing mass amounts of food that the cooking time hadn't even felt that long. Hey, it was all free to her and they could afford it. Seth was the only one who saw the sense in eating lunch here each visit. The rest of the pack remained skittish.
She sat on the porch, the hammock, and set everything on the decorative stool. To the outsider, she might have seemed to be living a luxurious life. For a moment, she pretended that everything was surface level - that she was powerful and strong. That she was in love with a rich, devoted man, and the two of them would live happily in eternal youth and beauty. That she could go anywhere she wanted , that she could eat whatever she wanted - and there were absolutely zero drawbacks. That was the story she'd like to write for herself.
A shadow appeared in the distance. Leah recognized the modelesque saunter and familiar Cullen scent. She gave a stiff wave.
Rosalie brushed the dirt from her clothes on the steps. "Hey."
"Hi. Where's Emmett?"
The blond tilted her head, listening. "Spent a good amount of the time roughhousing with your wolf boys."
"I'm pleasantly surprised."
"One of us should be."
Leah popped a piece of honeydew into her mouth. "Mmhm." She chewed thoughtfully, giving Rose time to go inside, but the girl just leaned against a pillar. Leah imagined a cigarette in between the vampire's fingers. Such was the expression on her face. It compelled Leah to speak again.
"Did you know? About Edward?"
Rosalie turned to her. "He barely says anything about it. But I guess, yeah, we all suspect it's worse than he lets on."
"We have to stop this."
"There's nothing me or any of us can do. Maybe you, but -" She flipped her hair. "He shouldn't have gotten into all this. Don't give me that look. I don't begrudge his feelings for you. But he's been a fool when it comes to this whole magical world."
"I have to undo this. It's my fault he's hurting."
"Hey. Don't feel like you need to stitch Edward back together," Rosalie told her. "He can do that himself."
"But -"
"There's a difference between being there for him and coddling him."
"I love him."
Rose leaned back, looking her over. "Then respect that he may need more than you fixing him. And the sooner you two stop charging headfirst into things you don't understand, the more that will be a possibility."
"Don't get mad at me."
"And I'm not angry," Rosalie coolly replied. "I'm just telling you the truth, but you're only used to fighting."
All the fight went out of Leah. She sank back into the hammock.
After a moment, Rose gingerly sat next to her.
Leah took bigger bites of her food, chewing loudly to block out her thoughts. If it annoyed Rosalie, she didn't leave.
The wolf-girl grumbled, "Shouldn't the sun be up by now?"
"You're all mixed up," Rose almost teased, but her voice gave away her age, her wisdom, and worse, her fatigue.
I chose "Francis Forever" - Mitski as the song for this chapter because I imagine the song Edward sings sounds about 70% like it
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Trawlhisface: You got your wish! I updated!