The Eggman Empire Presents…

A ROBOTNIK FOR REELECTION Production

(No, you didn't elect him, and neither did we.)

In Association with…

Studiopolis, Inc.

and…

NiGHTS into Screens Filming Technologies

EGG TV Proudly Presents…

Sonic the Hedgehog: The Chaos Project

Season 2, Episode 16 — 30th Anniversary Special Episode

Hate That Hedgehog: Why Your Emperor Does It and You Should Do It Too!

A Documentary

Hosted by Dr. Eggman

Narrated by Orbot and Cubot

Editing and supervision by Heavy Magician

Illegal duplication of this film is prohibited by law. Original content, do not steal. Yes, we're using that joke again. Violation is punishable by up to 30 years in an Imperial Labor Camp and a fine of up to 5 yolks. Don't do it.

Introduction

*kazoo fanfare*

A lone chair sits in a dark, empty room. From beyond the edges of the screen, Emperor Eggman steps into view, gingerly taking a seat as he lets out an exasperated grunt. He smiles at the camera. "Good morning, children. I'll bet you're all wondering why you've been taken away from your valuable day of fun and exciting school lessons to watch some silly old movie. Well, I'll tell you why. It's because I HATE THAT—

—–—

"—some silly old movie. Well, I'll tell you why. It's because our society faces a serious problem. A problem that you can solve." He points directly into the camera. "Yes, you. 'But, Emperor,' you might be thinking. 'How can I, a defenseless and uneducated child, possibly solve a problem that the brilliant and powerful Dr. Eggman could not?' Well, my poor, stupid little child, you're about to spend the next hour finding out." He breathes out a long groan. "Is that it? Am I allowed to stop being nice now?"

[Orbot]: "Perfect! That one will make the cut for sure."

[Cubot]: "Hey, how do I stop this thingie from recording?"

[Orbot]: "We talked about this already. It's that button, right there."

[Cubot]: "This one?"

The screen flips upside down.

Upside-down Eggman grumbles, "You'll be able to edit this out, right?"

[Cubot]: "Found it!"

—–—

Orbot gives a humble bow. "Greetings, esteemed guests. My name is Orbot." He looks over at Cubot, standing beside him. Cubot stares off into space, scratching at his nonexistent nose. Orbot elbows him in the side.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, me too!"

Orbot shakes his head and sighs. "And this is my counterpart, Cubot. We are here to guide you all on your coming journey of fun and enlightenment."

Cubot adds, "And you'll learn a lot, too!"

"We ask of you only that you listen carefully—this information could someday save your life."

"Yeah, Eggman likes to execute people who don't—

—–—

Prologue — The secret backstory of Dr. Eggman

*kazoo fanfare*

[Orbot]: "You probably think that Dr. Eggman has always been the benevolent genius that we know him as today. And you'd be right! The story of Dr. Eggman began many decad—, uh, I mean, years ago. Many years ago. It's a story of triumph, hardship, and facial hair. Lots and lots of facial hair. Back then, he was only known as Ivo Robotnik. This is the oldest known photograph of him."

An image of Eggman as we know him today is covered by another image of a slightly younger Robotnik, wearing striped pajamas.

[Cubot]: "Robotnik was born at a young age. His grandfather, Prof. Gerald Robotnik, swore vengeance against—"

[Orbot]: "No, that part comes later. *ahem* His Grandfather, Prof. Gerald Robotnik, was a great inspiration to him as a child."

A black and white photograph of Gerald and Maria is added on top.

[Orbot]: "A brilliant scientist in his own right, Prof. Gerald made many contributions to society as we know it today, especially in the field of clean energy. The Chaos Drive, created by the Professor, is said to be the invention that resolved the Clean Energy Revolution of the time, and is still in use by many models of robot to this day."

A grainy, zoomed-in image of a Chaos Drive is added to the top.

[Cubot]: "Robots like us! I think?"

[Orbot]: "Unfortunately, tragedy struck the Professor and his family, leaving the young Ivo orphaned before he ever got to meet his grandfather. But that wouldn't deter our young hero."

[Cubot]: "Wait a minute, Eggman's the hero? I thought you said—" *clunk*

[Orbot]: "Striving to live up to the Robotnik legacy, Ivo devoted his childhood to his studies, soon becoming the youngest ever student to enroll at the prestigious University of Spagonia, his grandfather's alma mater."

The next image added shows the tall pillared entrance of Spagonia University. An out-of-place rail juts into the frame, and Sonic's partially-cropped shoes grinding on top indicate when the picture was taken.

[Cubot]: "I thought that place wasn't made until after—" *clunk*

[Orbot]: "Ivo continued to follow in the footsteps of his grandfather once there, finally given access to the resources he needed to pursue a clean energy project of his own. But unlike Prof. Gerald, Ivo hoped to harness the power of life itself."

An awkwardly skewed image appears of what seems to be blueprints for a prototype Motobug—the page torn down the middle and taped back together.

[Cubot]: "Hey, Orbot? There's a little red light that says—" *clunk*

[Orbot]: "Early tests with these new animal-powered batteries showed that they produced many times the power output of Chaos Drives—using a far more readily available power source. Ivo's machines could easily change the world."

[Cubot]: "Spoiler alert. They did."

[Orbot]: "But young Ivo's path would not be so easy. When his professor discovered the project, he was outraged! Ivo's ideas were too radical, too unorthodox to be tolerated by the conservative university. Fearing that Ivo's genius was beyond that of any teacher at the university, they had him thrown out, and all of his resources stripped away!"

A mouse cursor appears on the screen, clicking on the image of the blueprints and dramatically dragging it around in a sporadic pattern before tossing it out of view.

[Cubot]: "If he was thrown out of school, how did he become a Doctor?"

[Orbot]: "That's a question for another show. *ahem* But this was not the end of young Ivo Robotnik's journey. No, this was only the beginning. Robotnik's next move was to

Battery empty. Powering off…

—–—

Chapter 1 — From classic origins

*slide whistle fanfare*

[Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik—Emperor, Doctor, Hero, etc.]

Eggman sits on the interview chair, engaged in a story. "My first meeting with that hedgehog went quite how you might expect it. What's one little hedgehog supposed to do against a genius armed with heavy construction equipment? I practically flattened him, I almost felt bad for the poor thing. I was certain that would be the last I would see of him. I was quite mistaken…"

[Orbot]: "Why do you think that Sonic attacked you on that day?"

"Well, the same reason I've been 'attacked' my entire life. I came to bring radical change, and this hedgehog was just another obstacle stuck in his ways. He also probably didn't like that I was taking a wrecking ball to the hills he called home, but I had a permit! He unlawfully assaulted me! I should've known such a despicable creature wouldn't leave me alone so easily."

[Orbot]: "And where did you get this permit?"

"It was issued by the government formerly known as the Robotnik Empire, of course!"

[Orbot]: "Of course…"

"Perfectly legitimate, as we all know."

[Orbot]: "No need to convince me. So tell us, what did Sonic do next?"

"He came back. And again, and again, and again. Soon enough, he'd followed me all the way to my base of operations. Somehow, he managed to sabotage the entire operation, leaving the base in ruins. I barely made it out with my life! That base wasn't just some laboratory, it was my home! Can you imagine anything more evil than destroying an orphan's only home?"

[Orbot]: "Isn't that exactly what you—…"

Eggman's eyes narrow into a scowl.

[Orbot]: "Never mind. Cubot, you can cut it now."

[Cubot]: "Uhh… Wait, no no, I got it. It's this one!"

A colorful border appears around the edges of the screen.

[Orbot]: "I don't think that's right."

[Cubot]: "Then it's gotta be this one."

The filter on the screen begins to rapidly jump between a wide variety of borders, colors, and touch-ups. It finally stops on a filter that pastes the floppy ears and snout of a dog on top of Eggman's face. Orbot's suppressed laughter can be plainly heard.

"What's so funny?"

[Orbot]: "Uh, n-nothing, Boss. This button, right here, see?"

—–—

Historical reenactment — A groundbreaking discovery

[Orbot]: "The Chaos Emeralds. Seven legendary gems of unlimited power. Or at least, that's what the world knows today. But did you know that there were once believed to be only six Emeralds? It's true! But, buried beneath the Emerald Hills of Westside Island, a discovery fated to be found by Dr. Robotnik was waiting to be uncovered. Although no footage exists of this incredible moment in history, we have prepared a historically accurate reenactment for your viewing pleasure."

Standing behind a cardboard cutout of a familiar drilling machine, Orbot wears a fake mustache around his head, and Robotnik's coat around his shoulders. The cardboard drill is pushed against the edge of the stage, as Cubot's voice can be heard making fake drilling sounds. Orbot shouts in his best Eggman impression, "Eureka!"

The drilling stops, and Orbot steps out to reach beyond the stage. He appears to be standing on top of Cubot's head, hidden by the coat. Wobbling off balance for a moment as Cubot straightens up beneath him, he pulls up the actual blue Chaos Emerald. "So the rumors were true… The seventh Chaos Emerald was buried here all these years…" He stares down at it for a while. "*ahem* I said, the seventh Chaos Emerald was buried here all these years!" More silence ensues. He emphasizes in a hushed shout, "Dave, that's your cue!"

A disinterested teenage voice answers from the other side of the stage, "But I'm on my break."

"You haven't even started, you can't take a break yet!"

"Ugh. Fiiiiiiine…" From the other side of the stage, a light blue animoid in braces and a baggy Sonic costume strolls into view, staring down at a piece of paper in his hand. He clears his throat before reading off without any sense of acting, "Doctor! Robotnik. I am here? To stop you. From… Uhh… Line?"

"You have the script right there!"

"To stop you from you have the script right there!"

Orbot groans before picking his role back up. "Sonic! We meet again! But who is this?"

The camera turns to focus on a large ragdoll resembling Tails, strung up by the neck on a wheeling frame attached to Dave the fake Sonic by a rope tied around his hips. Cubot's voice projects, "I'm Tails! Sonic's new best friend! And I have the gall to believe that I'm smarter than the legendary Doctor Robotnik!"

"Well, you're both fools for challenging me!" Orbot steps back behind the cardboard vehicle. "My intellect is beyond compare! Soon, my new space station will launch, and there will be nothing you can do to stop me from changing the world! Muah ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha, ha ha, AH HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Cubot's voice questions from beneath Orbot's feet, "Hey, Orbot? You okay there, buddy?"

"Orbot!? Who is Orbot!? I am Doctor Robotnik, the world's greatest scientific genius! Oh ho ho! Ho ha ha! Ha ha ho ho!"

Cubot whispers as Orbot continues to laugh above him, "Maybe we should cut it here…"

A female voice answers from behind the camera, "Gotcha covered."

"Oh ho ho ho—

—–—

Inside the mind of the mad Doctor — Part 1

[Eggman]: "After that hedgehog destroyed my base at the Scrap Brain Zone, I had no intention of being bested by him again. But what was I to do that could change the outcome of our encounter? He was strong, crafty, and above all, quick. I needed a machine that could match him in every such capacity. I needed a hedgehog of my own."

A detailed and intricate 3D modeled schematic of an old-fashioned Sonic robot appears on the screen, rotating slowly around as various readouts point out its specifications and design in meaningless technical language.

[Eggman]: "Silver Sonic, my most advanced robot to that time, came fresh off of the assembly line just in time to oversee the launch of my new space station. Designed to strike fear into Sonic's very core, it was equipped with rocketry systems with the potential to accelerate beyond the speed of sound, given ample space. Its blade-edged spines were more than a match for Sonic's feeble organic quills. Unfortunately…the coming battle didn't go quite to plan."

A video appears on the screen, apparently recorded from the eyes of Silver Sonic. In a chamber of the Death Egg, Robotnik's eyes can be seen watching from a nearby viewport, as a young Sonic speeds directly towards the camera. Sonic curls into a ball and strikes the camera directly, causing the feed to cut to static.

[Eggman]: "Silver Sonic was powerful, but Sonic was faster. Silver Sonic was too bulky, too slow to start. Future designs would correct these flaws, while integrating the combat data gathered from Sonic during this battle. It was only a matter of time before Sonic would be outmatched. But of course, as with any truly great idea, there were many bumps on the road to success."

Another set of 3D schematics appear, this time of a much shorter robot, with visor shaped eyes and a single pincher claw for an arm.

[Eggman]: "The next model of Silver Sonic was even less effective than the original. Although it achieved slightly higher acceleration, and replicated Sonic's Spin Attack more accurately, its lack of power proved to make it useful as little more than a Drone to distract Sonic later on. But this was only the beginning."

—–—

Chapter 2 — Angel Island and beyond

*Chaos Emerald fanfare*

Historical Reenactment — Falling skies

[Orbot]: "The predecessor to the Imperial Orbiting Power Station, or IOPS—also known colloquially to some as the so-called 'Death Egg'—was sabotaged and destroyed by Sonic, much as it was last year. Thankfully, Dr. Robotnik, bravely staying aboard, was able to direct the fall of the relatively small space station towards a remote part of the ocean, where there would be no risk of damage to the public. But what he found there was anything but ocean."

Cubot holds a large rock in one hand, and in the other, high above it, a metal ball with Eggman's face drawn on in marker. He slowly begins lowering the ball towards the rock. "Psheeeeeeooooooooowwwwwwww! Krsh!" As soon as the objects collide, he suddenly drops them both. "Ow, ow, owie, ow!" He runs back behind the camera.

[Orbot]: "What is it, what happened?"

[Cubot]: "I pinched my finger!"

[Orbot]: "You're a robot! Your fingers are made of steel! They can't be pinched, let alone feel pain!"

[Cubot]: "Then why does it hurt so much when you hit me on the head?"

[Orbot]: "You mean like this?" *clunk*

[Cubot]: "No, I mean like this!" *clunk*

*clunk* *clunk* *clunk* *clunk* *clunk* *clunk*

The camera is knocked over on its side.

*clunk* *clunk* *clunk* *clunk* *clunk* *clunk*

—–—

An image is added to the top of the existing stack, appearing to be from security camera footage inside of a casino. Knuckles the Echidna punches the foot of a giant, solid gold statue of Sonic.

[Orbot]: "This scrappy fellow's name is Knuckles the Echidna. He was the sole inhabitant of Angel Island, the floating landmass where the Doctor's space station fell. Amazingly, the force keeping the island afloat absorbed the shock of the collision almost entirely, leaving the space station relatively intact and the island forced down to the surface of the sea. But what was this mysterious force?"

[Cubot]: "Ooh, I know, I know! It's like the Lost Hex, right?"

[Orbot]: "No, it's not. Angel Island was kept afloat, and hidden from the eyes of man, by the power of the Master Emerald, a legendary gem said to regulate the energy of the Chaos Emeralds. But now that Doctor Robotnik was stranded here, the Master Emerald became his only chance of returning home and getting his plans back on track."

An image of the Master Emerald appears, covered by the semi-transparent watermark of "Sonic PNGs."

[Orbot]: "Alone in unfamiliar territory, the Doctor cautiously approached the local—the lone Echidna, Knuckles. Knuckles, the last descendant of a tribal society, happily welcomed this new guest, and explained the situation as best he understood it. An ancient prophecy of his people foretold of a great egg, which, when broken, would hatch a dragon capable of destroying the world."

[Cubot]: "Hey, that sounds kind of familiar…"

[Orbot]: "Knuckles feared that this fallen space station might be that very prophesied egg, and so he had come to investigate. But once he was there, he found something else that he recognized—the Doctor himself!"

[Cubot]: "Is it because his face was on the Death Egg?"

[Orbot]: "No. It's because of yet another prophecy from his people."

Another image appears, this one quite high in quality, depicting the wide mural of the Hidden Palace. In cartoonish form, it shows on the left the head and torso of a giant man with a large nose and mustache, holding the Master Emerald. Facing off against it on the right is a blue animoid covered in a golden light.

[Orbot]: "The ancient Echidnas foresaw a great battle fought over the Master Emerald—the gem that Knuckles was sworn to protect. And the Doctor bore an uncanny resemblance to one of the figures depicted in this mural. The figure who, by all appearances, seemed to be protecting the gem from the hedgehog trying to take it. Seeing as Sonic had stolen the Chaos Emeralds from him only days earlier, the Doctor had no doubt that he would be coming for the Master Emerald next. With mutual interests in place, the Doctor quickly struck up a deal with Knuckles. He would use his machines to help Knuckles defeat the hedgehog who was coming to steal the Master Emerald, in exchange for temporary use of the Emerald for the relaunch of the space station."

[Cubot]: "Boy, he sure sounds gullible."

[Orbot]: "Indeed he was. For when Sonic inevitably arrived on the island, he set his sights on the next recruit for his progress-defying army. Though Knuckles was intent on halting Sonic's advances, Sonic made a renewed plea at each encounter, trying to brainwash Knuckles into believing that what the Doctor had told him was the opposite of the truth. Finally, as they battled in front of this very mural, the gullible Knuckles was swayed to the manipulative hedgehog's side, where he remains to this day. The Master Emerald, kept only a short distance away from this mural, was suddenly in great danger. Left with no other choice, the Doctor made the only sane decision. He grabbed the Emerald and ran, allowing not even its guardian to take it and deliver it to the hands of the enemy. Leaving Sonic and Knuckles behind, he took the Master Emerald to the space station, which was finally ready to launch."

—–—

Inside the mind of the mad Doctor — Part 2

[Eggman]: "Behold: Mecha Sonic."

Schematics appear of the tall, straight-spined Sonic robot that appeared in the Sky Sanctuary.

[Eggman]: "With this model, I was certain that the Mecha Sonic line was complete. Built with the most state-of-the-art technology available at the time, this machine was built to rule. It was fitted not just with greater speed and power than its predecessors, but also with the intelligence to command or pilot any machine I could build. This is the first machine in the known world to achieve a rudimentary sentience. It was programmed with a single directive—protect the Master Emerald at all costs. Its combat efficiency proved to be everything I could have hoped for—but in its intelligence, it became obsessive. It turned on its fellow machines, thoughtlessly destroying them for its own chance at facing off against Sonic and Knuckles. And in its hubris, it, too, was destroyed. As was the space station it failed to protect. In one swift move, my dreams of defeating the hedgehog and changing the world seemed crushed. But that outlook was soon to change. When the month of December arrived, I received a gift the likes of which I could never have imagined."

New schematics appear of the most familiar Sonic robot—sleek, agile, and deadly.

[Eggman]: "This is Metal Sonic, my pride and joy. You might be as skeptical as I was, at first. Mecha Sonic was the most advanced machine ever created. How could it possibly be surpassed? That's what makes Metal Sonic different. He was not created with modern technology. He was created with technology from the future. Metal Sonic is a product of the Little Planet—a hidden world which exists beyond time as we understand it. I discovered this world, constructed a link that would keep it bound to our own, and built a machine empire spanning well into the future. And in this future, advanced even beyond our present day, I constructed Metal Sonic. Metal Sonic was quite unlike his predecessors. He didn't just match Sonic's speed. He surpassed it. And that speed would soon be put to the test. As was expected, Sonic soon discovered the Little Planet for himself. His target was the Time Stones—gems native to the Little Planet which allowed me to control time as I had. One by one, he began to steal the Time Stones from me, using their power to rewrite the history I'd written. It all came down to one encounter—Sonic against Metal Sonic on the Stardust Speedway. Advanced though Metal Sonic was, his engines weren't designed to operate over long distances. His circuits were overloaded, and Sonic pulled ahead. Another failure."

The schematics of Metal Sonic are shrunken and duplicated across the screen.

[Eggman]: "Although Metal Sonic was left inoperative on the Little Planet when it vanished, I was left with his precise schematics. These details alone were enough to advance my machines by decades. Attempts were made to build a new Metal Sonic to these specifications, but they proved less intelligent and less durable than the original. Still, the model was more successful than almost any other machine, and so remains in production to this day. It also proved quite viable for a variety of upgrades, but we'll just have to save that for the next segment."

—–—

[Nack the Weasel—Fanged Sniper]

Wearing a clean new wide-brimmed hat with a price tag still dangling from the side, Fang groans loudly at the camera. "Why does the name card say 'Nack'? My name is Fang. Fang! It can't be that hard to remember, you wrote it three words later!"

[Orbot]: "Please just answer the question."

Fang sighs for a moment. "Do I hate that hedgehog? Well of course I do. He has a certain knack for sticking his nose where it doesn't belong."

[Orbot]: "A—"

"Don't say it."

[Orbot]: "I wouldn't dare. Please, continue. How did you meet the hedgehog?"

"Well, not all of his adventures were the grand, world-changing battles that most people know about. Sometimes, a guy like me can just be minding his own business, appropriating a few valuable gems, and then that hedgehog will show up and steal them right out from under you. No understanding at all of rightfully earned property. And I'm not just talking about this one time, he had all sorts of these less-than-memorable outings around this time. And not just the usual running around, either. Fighting tournaments, kart races, there's nowhere I had business that he wouldn't stick his nose. After a while, I'd had enough of him. I had to get myself as far away from him as possible, or I was going to hurt somebody."

[Orbot]: "You mean like yourself?"

Fang crosses his arms and looks away from the camera. "I don't know what you're talking about."

[Orbot]: "Oh, we have all sorts of footage of your machines blowing up in your face. Would you like to see some?"

"You're really starting to tick me off, you know that?"

[Orbot]: "I suppose you could say we have a…knack for it?"

Fang draws the blaster on his belt and fires from the hip. The screen cuts to static.

—–—

Intermission — Eggman S̶͓̠̺͈̤̄̍̈͠e̶͓̋z̶̮͍̟͙͚͚̫̐̍̽̃̌͝͠ Says

Dave the fake Sonic and the Tails Doll tied to his hip appear to be painting something onto a brick wall.

As Cubot wanders onto the stage, he notices the two. "Look! What're those guys doing?"

Dave looks over from his work. "Uh oh…" He glances over at the Tails Doll. "Looks like we're busted, Tails. Time to juice and jam." He stops for a moment to rub his stomach. "Mmm, jam." He gingerly jogs off of the stage, dragging the Tails Doll behind him. His work is revealed, a simple painting of Eggman's face with stuck out tongue and X's over the eyes, captioned "eggman stinks."

Orbot peeks out from behind the wall to get a look. He whispers angrily, "Dave! You were supposed to paint the symbol of the Rebellion!"

Dave's voice answers from offstage, "You can't suppress the creativity of a true artist, man!"

A laugh track plays from nowhere.

Cubot is the only one who stays in character. "Wow, were those Rebels? I wonder what they were doing…"

A police siren suddenly wails. "Freeze!" Making a surprise cameo appearance, Heavy Gunner jets down from above, police light circling above his head. A celebratory applause track plays from nowhere.

Cubot throws his hands into the air. "I'm too young to go to jail! Take Orbot instead, he was made for the game before me!"

Orbot facepalms, shaking his head before Heavy Gunner cuffs both of them. "You're under arrest for the defacing of imperial property and treason against the Empire. You will be imprisoned for thirty years to life."

Cubot breaks into tears, calling for his mommy as they are escorted off of the stage.

Eggman watches the exchange, shaking his head in disappointment. He turns to face the camera with a smile. "Remember, kids. You don't want to end up like those two buffoons. It is your civic and legal duty to report any subversive behavior you witness directly to the police. If you see something, say something. Otherwise, it's you who are the criminal. And that's no good. So says Eggman."

A black screen irises closed on the scene. The closing circle pinches down around Eggman's nose. "Ow! Owwww!" With a struggle, the nose is pulled out, and the circle closes the rest of the way. Another laugh track plays.

—–—

Chapter 3 — Adventures in hedgehog hunting

*Chao song fanfare*

Historical Reenactment — Falling skies again

"Psheeeeeeooooooooowwwwwwww! Krsh!" Cubot crashes the rock in his hand into a blue circle painted on the ground. As soon as the object collides, he suddenly drops it. "Ow, ow, owie, ow!" He runs back behind the camera.

[Orbot]: "You were only holding the one rock, how could you pinch your fingers this time?!"

[Cubot]: "I didn't pinch my fingers, I sat on a fish hook! Look, now it's stuck in my—"

[Orbot]: "Fish hook? How does that even…?"

[Heavy Magician]: "Sorry, my bad!"

[Orbot]: "Why would you have a fish hook? I thought you hated fishing."

[Cubot]: "No need to apologize, my darling. If it's from you, I'll gladly let anything—"

[Heavy Magician]: "I'm leaving before you finish that sentence."

[Cubot]: "You can stop my sentence, but you can't stop our love, my sweet!"

[Heavy Magician]: "Ugh, go stick another fish hook up your—"

[Orbot]: "Both of you, please, there are children watching!"

[Cubot]: "Whatever you wish, my love!"

[Orbot]: "Cubot, put that fish hook away! No, stay out of the shot, no one needs to see it! Let me shut this camera off…"

—–—

[Orbot]: "Angel Island was in the ocean once again. But why? Well, that's what the Mystic Ruins research team intended to find out."

A photograph appears of a team of explorers out in the jungle, the tall mountains of Angel Island towering in the background behind them. One explorer teeters dangerously on the edge of a cliff, where a ladder would later be placed.

[Orbot]: "They were surprised to find that this foreign landmass, which seemed to appear from thin air overnight, was composed of the same geological structures as the surrounding area—suggesting that the two were once one and the same. Of course, their discoveries would be meaningless."

[Cubot]: "Because they kept getting lost in the jungle?"

[Orbot]: "No. Well, yes. But more importantly, because the newly nomered Doctor Eggman had already surveyed the area—and had already begun the construction of his newest base, hidden away from the destructive hands of Sonic and friends. In yet another groundbreaking historical discovery, he uncovered the ruins of an ancient city once inhabited by the long since vanished Echidna tribe. The same Echidnas who had apparently survived on Angel Island into the present. Venturing deep into an ancient temple, Eggman found, at its heart, an ominous prophecy of repeated history."

An image of a great stone mural appears, far larger than that of the Hidden Palace. This one features a towering dragonoid creature, roaring down at depictions of ancient stone buildings as they are torn apart by a forceful rush of water. Painted Echidna heads watch the scene from all directions.

[Orbot]: "This was a prophecy which the Doctor had already been warned of once before. It spoke of the dragon with the power to destroy the world and end all life—and the jewel egg in which it was sealed."

[Cubot]: "Hey, that's why that sounded familiar before."

[Orbot]: "Indeed, the Doctor knew right away that this warning was to be taken seriously. Indeed, this tablet revealed that the very existence of Angel Island, its separation from the Mystic Ruins and its hiding away from the natural world, was for the purpose of containing this very creature. But indeed, it was too late. The prophesied time had already come. The so-called egg, in truth the very same Master Emerald that Sonic and his friends had stolen, had already hatched. With the Emerald shattered, its power could no longer keep the island afloat, and the creature we now know as Chaos was released into the world."

[Cubot]: "So you're saying that the world ended and everyone died? It did, didn't it?"

[Orbot]: "Perhaps that might have been the case. But Doctor Eggman had a plan. The tablets revealed that Chaos, the God of Destruction, would seek the Chaos Emeralds to carry out its wrath. The creature couldn't be stopped. But with the right tools and the right hand, it could be tamed. And Eggman took it upon his shoulders to control this creature, preventing it from destroying the world. It would not be an easy task, of course—because Sonic the Hedgehog would stop at nothing to prevent the Doctor from collecting the Emeralds needed to save the planet."

[Cubot]: "Isn't it normally Sonic who uses the Emeralds to save the world?"

[Orbot]: "Perhaps that's what many of you children at home are thinking. After all, history can be quite confusing. But perhaps this footage, captured and unaltered from an encounter at the time, can help you to understand."

A video file appears. A mouse cursor slides into view to click the play button. After a moment of buffered loading, the video begins to play.

Recorded head-on from the cockpit of the Egg Mobile, the camera focuses in on Sonic, standing atop a high cliffside platform against the ocean of the Mystic Ruins, Tails quickly running up the steps behind him. Sonic points at the camera and shouts, "Look! It's a giant talking egg!"

Eggman's voice demands, "Silence! I am Dr. Robotnik, the greatest scientific genius in the world!"

Sonic laughs. "Whatever you say, Eggman."

"Enough! I've got big plans, and now I'm going to put them to work!"

Tails crosses his arms. "You're always up to no good. Now what do you want?"

Eggman mutters quietly enough as to barely be picked up by the camera. "Is that what Sonic makes you believe?" With a sigh, he picks up, "I want all of the Chaos Emeralds. Better not interfere. Or else."

Sonic sneers, "Or else what, you big loser?"

"Or else I'll take them from you by force. The hard way." The view of the camera spins around as the Egg Mobile darts behind the nearest cliff, where an attachable mech hovers in waiting. "You've left me no other choice."

The video ends, and a replay button appears on top.

[Cubot]: "Wow, how'd you get that fake Sonic voice actor to sound so real?"

[Orbot]: "You misunderstand. There is no voice actor. That was the original footage."

[Cubot]: "I thought we were Doctoring the footage to make the doctor look good. Uh, wait, I have that backwards. I meant…doctoring the footage to make the Doctor look good. That's what I meant."

[Orbot]: "That's the thing. We didn't have to. Sonic's behavior towards the Doctor has always been belligerent and rude. Regardless of the circumstances, he refuses to listen to reason. The Doctor tried to explain that he needed the Chaos Emeralds, but Sonic wouldn't allow a word of it. Sonic didn't care about the world—only about giving Eggman a bad day. This unreasonable quality is a large part of what makes the hedgehog so dangerous—and so hated."

[Cubot]: "He was right though. Eggman does look like a giant talking egg."

[Orbot]: "That's beside the point. What matters to us now is that Sonic had no intention of allowing Eggman to use the Emeralds. In spite of Sonic's best efforts, the Doctor managed to secure six of them. And as long as these six were kept apart from the seventh, the Chaos creature could be safely tamed without risk of reaching its full power. So naturally, Sonic and friends, in their foolishness, stole the six Emeralds and brought them near the seventh, leaving them out in the open, where Chaos, not yet fully trained, was able to absorb them all at once. And what came next is a piece of history well known by now."

A photograph appears of the same creature seen in the mural, now towering over the flooded ruins of Station Square. There is also a small golden streak, barely visible in the corner.

[Orbot]: "With the power of the seven Chaos Emeralds, the rampage of Perfect Chaos began, much as the ancient Echidnas predicted. But Eggman would not stand for it. He would do whatever it took to stop this beast from claiming the rest of the world—even if it meant putting aside his differences with his greatest foe. Eggman had long known that Sonic possessed the unique ability to harness the power of the Chaos Emeralds, much as Perfect Chaos did. And with the Emeralds discarded and left in Sonic's hands, Eggman knew that it would take both of them to stop this creature."

[Cubot]: "Wait, what did Eggman do? I thought it was Sonic who beat up Perfect Chaos."

[Orbot]: "In a desperate move to protect the planet, Eggman launched his Egg Carrier II, despite knowing that the battleship was far outmatched by Perfect Chaos. The ship barraged the creature with all of the firepower it had before getting knocked out of the sky in an instant. Putting his very life on the line, Eggman managed to weaken the creature enough for Sonic, empowered by the Emeralds, to deliver a decisive blow."

[Cubot]: "So you're saying that Eggman did nothing and Sonic beat up Perfect Chaos."

[Orbot]: "Pretty much, yeah. We'll have to cut out that comment, though."

—–—

[Antique Shop Guy—Station Square Resident]

The man in the interview chair looks at the screen in confusion. "I…do have a name you know. Not just 'Antique Shop Guy'."

[Heavy Magician]: "Look, over there! It's all of the people who care!"

The man looks back, scratching his head. "There's…no one there."

[Heavy Magician]: "Exactly."

"Why am I here again?"

[Orbot]: "We'd like you to answer a few questions about Sonic the Hedgehog. You've met him, haven't you?"

"Yes, I've…run into him a few times. Before the Empire, of course."

[Orbot]: "Of course. What's your opinion of him?"

"My…opinion?" The man begins to sweat, tugging at his collar nervously. "Well, I…suppose he's prone to getting himself into trouble, if that's what you mean."

[Orbot]: "Just so you know, you're currently providing a service to the Empire. That means that nothing you say in this room can be legally held against you."

"So…I can say whatever I want? Without being arrested?"

[Orbot]: "As long as you're still answering our questions, you can feel free to speak your mind."

"Oh… Well in that case…Sonic is a hero. Plain and simple. He didn't just save our city from Perfect Chaos, he stayed behind to help us rebuild. Because of him, I was able to reopen my shop and get my life back on track within a matter of weeks. Put that in your little documentary, why don'tcha?"

[Orbot]: "I see, I see. Now tell me, Mr. Guy, would you be saying the same thing about this hedgehog if you knew that he…oh, I don't know…stole your most valuable possession?"

"What exactly are you getting at? My 'most valuable possession' was lost in the flood."

[Orbot]: "Well, I believe that this clip here should answer both of our questions."

Grainy overhead footage, perhaps captured from a streetlight camera, shows a familiar corner of Station Square. Sonic strolls into view, stiffly holding a large round stone out in front of him as he walks into the antique shop. Through the wide window of the shop, an object can be seen getting removed from its place. The pressure plate beneath it rises, and a metal gate crashes down in front of the door. The stone that Sonic brought in is gently placed down onto the pressure plate, and the barred metal gate rises back up. A few moments later, Sonic walks out of the shop holding a glittering gold Chao egg in his hands.

The man sits in stunned silence. "That gold orb…was worth more than my entire life's savings… And that rotten little thief just walked out with it!? Forget Eggman, I'm going to tear that hedgehog apart myself! I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG!"

[Orbot]: "Perfect, perfect, just like that! Oh, and by the way, this same camera also caught you aiding and abetting the Rebellion last year, so you're under arrest."

"But you said—"

[Orbot]: "I didn't say anything about past crimes. And rules are rules. Cubot, you can cut it now."

[Cubot]: "Uhh…"

[Heavy Magician]: "Oh give me that!"

[Cubot]: "You touched my hand…"

[Heavy Magician]: "If you don't shut it, I'll be touching something else of yours next. Wait, that came out wrong. Why is this thing still filming!?"

[Cubot]: "Probably because we haven't told the last joke of the scene yet. The camera knows…"

—–—

Historical reenactment — Falling out of the skies (it's a different thing)

In a set that impressively resembles the interior of a military helicopter, Dave the fake Sonic sits cuffed next to Cubot dressed in an excessively large GUN uniform. The camera pans around to Orbot at the controls. He clears his throat and voices into the radio. "Sigma-Alpha 2, heading due south over the city. We're en route, everything's a go."

Heavy Magician's voice responds, "This is control tower, we have y'all on radar. Report cargo status of captured hedgehog aboard, over."

"That's a 10-4. Cargo secured on board, and…" Orbot glances back, and the camera follows his gaze to find Cubot dangling upside-down from the ceiling, and Dave free from his cuffs, struggling with the emergency exit lever on the door. Orbot's voice exclaims, "What!?"

Heavy Magician demands, "Didn't copy that, over!"

Starting in the middle of Magician's sentence, Orbot is already responding, "The hedgehog is…uhh…gone, he's taken out everyone aboard, and—" "What's wrong!? Come in, over!" "What in the world!?"

Dave finally manages to pull the lever and kick out the door completely. The sudden depressurization of air flings him outside, revealing that they are, in fact, in a helicopter, flying high above a city. Dave impressively manages to grab onto the weapons mount outside, and pull himself back on top.

Orbot's voice shouts out to him, "Freeze! What do you think you're doing!? Get that intern! I mean hedgehog!"

Dave ignores him, getting a look around at the view outside. "Talk about low budget flights. No food or movies?" He stops for a moment. "Seriously, when's lunch? I'm starving. Wait a minute, what's my line again?"

Orbot is forced to shout over the howling winds, "I'm out of here! I like running better!"

"Pfft, what? Sonic would never say that."

"What are you talking about!? He says stuff like that all the time!"

"Whatever…" Dave clears his throat. "I'm outta here! I need to go punch Baldy Nosehair!" He rips off a sheet of metal under his feet, and leaps down towards the city below.

Orbot starts to shout after him, "That's not— Hold on, why wasn't he wearing the parachute you gave him?"

The camera pans over to Cubot, still hanging from the roof. "Parachute? Pshaw, he doesn't need a parachute. Sonic didn't need one."

Orbot's eyes go wide. "Oh my Lords, we just killed the intern."

Cubot shrugs. "Don't worry, I'm sure his buddy Tails will save him."

"You mean the fake Tails Doll that can't move under its own power?"

"What do you mean, 'fake'? I just saw it lurking around in the unlit halls a few hours ago."

"How did—" Orbot looks back at the camera. "Why are you still recording this!?"

Magician answers, "You kiddin'? This stuff's comedy gold."

"Hey, wait a second…you can make yourself look like anyone you want! Why do we have an actor in a costume when you could be Sonic?"

Cubot notes, "Well, we don't have an actor anymore…"

Magician exclaims, "How dare you!? I am a stage performer, I wouldn't dare stoop to the level of acting."

"Isn't that pretty much the same thing?"

"Pah! I don't need this! I'm outta here!" Magician leaps out of the helicopter, grabbing a hold outside much like Dave did.

Orbot shouts after her, "We still need to finish this documentary, where are you going!?"

"Finish it yourself! I'm goin' fishin'!" She lets go, soaring down towards the city below. "Yeah!"

The final frame of the video freezes, fading to black and white. The image shrinks down, appearing on top of the existing digital pile.

[Orbot]: "That's right. After his many crimes, Sonic the Hedgehog was finally arrested. Being the so-called hero who helped the Doctor defeat Perfect Chaos, did he graciously sit back and await judgement for the many crimes he committed?

[Cubot]: "Weren't you just watching that video where the intern died? Of course he didn't."

[Orbot]: "Exactly. He did no such thing. Instead, he assaulted the officers who arrested him, sabotaged their vehicle, and began a chase through a densely populated area which threatened many lives and resulted in billions of yolks in property damage. But which crime was he being arrested for? Trespassing? Vandalism? Grand theft Chao? All valid guesses. But no. The incompetent government of the time, known as the 'United Federation', ignored each and every one of those crimes, choosing to arrest Sonic only when it finally suited their own needs. You see, Sonic was suspected of breaking into a military facility, and stealing a top secret project. Or at least, that's what the public was told. For the military knew quite well that Sonic was never there. The true culprit was none other than Dr. Eggman."

[Cubot]: "So you're saying that Eggman was the bad guy who broke in and stole things? You're really giving me mixed messages here, man."

[Orbot]: "It's true that Eggman was the person who broke into that facility. But his only crime was uncovering the truth. A short time earlier, the Doctor found something thought lost—the diary of his late grandfather, Prof. Gerald."

A mouse cursor moves onto the screen, rapidly closing out of the massive pile of images, until one of the earliest ones, the photo of Gerald and Maria, is visible again.

[Orbot]: "This diary revealed secrets beyond anyone's imagining. The public, and the Doctor himself, was always told that the ARK, the orbiting research station where Gerald worked, was shut down due to a horrible lab accident that claimed the lives of everyone on board. But the diary revealed the truth. It was no accident. It was the government who sent their military to shut down a project that they feared—the Professor's final project, and Doctor Eggman's birthright—Project: Shadow. They murdered the inhabitants of the ARK, and hid the truth from the public."

[Cubot]: "Hey, you can't say 'murdered'! There are kids watching."

[Orbot]: "You just said it too, dummy. Now, as I was saying, this came as quite the revelation. The world order of the time—the same order that rejected and vilified the Doctor despite all he had done for them—was secretly spreading death and corruption long before the Doctor's time. In truth, no one was safe. Not until the United Federation was torn down. But how could such a thing be done? The Doctor found all the answers in the diary."

[Cubot]: "Ooh, ooh, do I get to say the thing now?"

[Orbot]: "Yes, you get to say the thing now."

[Cubot]: "His Grandfather, Prof. Gerald Robotnik, was a great inspiration—"

[Orbot]: "No, they already heard that! The other thing!"

[Cubot]: "His Grandfather, Prof. Gerald Robotnik, swore vengeance against the cruel planet that took everything away from him."

[Orbot]: "Amazing. You finally said an entire sentence without sounding stupid."

[Cubot]: "What does 'vengeance' mean?"

[Orbot]: "And there goes that."

—–—

[Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik—Emperor, Doctor, Hero, etc.]

"My grandfather…" Eggman stares off into space, lost in thought. "A brilliant man, he was. Accomplished so many great things in his life. He was my hero, and I wanted to become a great scientist just like him. But…seeing for the first time what became of him after the incident on the ARK… I've never been quite so shaken in all my life. It truly drove him mad. He was still brilliant, mind you. But quite mad."

[Orbot]: "What exactly did you find in his diary?"

"Much of it was mere ramblings about all the things he'd lost, mixed in with the occasional scientific insight. But at the end, he left one important message. A message meant for me." He pulls out a small datapad. "I still have the diary right here. I look back at it often." Clearing his throat, he begins to read, "'Based on my original projections, I was able to complete my project, Shadow. I will leave everything to him. If you wish, release and awaken it to the world.'"

[Orbot]: "And that's exactly what you did."

"Precisely. Just like me, my grandfather was chewed up and spit out by society. His dying wish was to see the end of a world that could do such things. He helped me realize just how desperately the world needed to be changed. And with his gift to me, I knew I was the only one who could do it. So I broke into the military base, released Project Shadow, and used its power in my first attempt to establish a global Eggman Empire."

[Cubot]: "This is the part where you blew up the moon, right?"

"Half of the moon, thank you very much. It was a rather brutish tactic, in hindsight, but the key was to endanger as few lives as possible. By showing the world the power of my grandfather's weapon, I had hoped that the United Federation would surrender its control to me peacefully. And besides, the moon is fine now."

[Orbot]: "And this attempt at establishing the Empire…was a complete failure?"

"Failure? Not at all. My only failing was underestimating the genius of my grandfather. He played me like a fool, and I have no shame in admitting that. In his madness, he didn't want the world changed. He wanted it destroyed. He programmed the ARK to crash into the Earth. Of course, I couldn't stand by that. And so, I was once again forced to step in and save the world that showed me no such kindness. If it weren't for my knowledge of the ARK's schematics and systems, it could not have been stopped, and the world would have been destroyed on that day. That's the honest truth."

[Orbot]: "What do you think the Professor would say, if he could see you now?"

"Are you joking? I stopped him from carrying out his revenge, he'd be furious! I know I would be, if I were in his position."

[Orbot]: "Hey, you're the good guy, remember? Tone it down."

"Well…if he were a little less mad…I like to imagine that he would be proud of me. For finishing what he started. For overcoming the obstacles of the world, and transforming it with my own hands."

[Orbot]: "Well, with the hands of the robots you built, anyways."

"Which I built with my own hands."

[Orbot]: "Well actually, most of them were built on an assembly line."

"Okay, so I built the assembly lines that built the robots that transformed the world—with my own hands."

[Cubot]: "I once destroyed an entire reactor core with my own hands."

[Eggman and Orbot]: "We know."

[Cubot]: "It hurt. Real bad."

"Is this interview over now?"

[Orbot]: "Indeed it is. Cubot?"

[Cubot]: "Uhh… I remember, it's this one!"

A ringing bell clatters loudly, and water suddenly begins to pour down from the ceiling, drenching Eggman so thoroughly that his mustache droops straight down. He growls through gritted teeth, "That was the fire alarm…"

[Cubot]: "Why does this camera have so many buttons!?"

[Orbot]: "Hey, we didn't get the waterproof camera, did we?"

[Cubot]: "No, I don't think it's—

—–—

Inside the mind of the mad Doctor — Part 3

[Eggman]: "The scale of my problems may have been growing rapidly, but my dedication to creating the perfect Sonic robot hadn't wavered just yet. The next creation we meet is an oft forgotten one, though a personal favorite of mine."

Schematics appear of the largest Sonic robot yet, sharp in appearance, with small rockets mounted all over its body, wheels on its feet, a gridlike pattern over its eyes, and a weapon to each of its ten fingers.

[Eggman]: "I called this one Robo Sonic, for its brief existence. Robo Sonic was quite unlike his predecessors. For this machine, the goal was not to replicate Sonic's physical abilities, but his supernatural abilities instead. Before him, Mecha Sonic had shown a surprising feature which I didn't believe to be possible. Mecha Sonic was briefly able to directly absorb the power of the Master Emerald, achieving a transformation not unlike the one Sonic undergoes when exposed to the Chaos Emeralds. However, Mecha Sonic was not designed to hold such power, and doing so overloaded his systems and left him vulnerable. Once I discovered what made this transformation possible, I endeavored to implement this technology in his successor—Robo Sonic."

Mecha Sonic's schematics appear next to Robo Sonic's, with a simple animation of files being transferred from one to the other.

[Eggman]: "To process the immense power of such a gem, the machinery necessary was quite large—making Robo Sonic almost twice the size of an ordinary hedgehog. Early tests with Robo Sonic were quite successful. However, he was destroyed in an…unfortunate lab accident, before he ever got to see a battle against his namesake. But the research that went into him did not go to waste. Robo Sonic was my first foray into the study of bridging the gap between Chaos and technology. Robo Sonic was the beginning of The Chaos Project. But we'll talk more about that later."

A new set of schematics appear—tall and regal, with white accents and a long black cape.

[Eggman]: "What you see here is Neo Metal Sonic. And his story is an unusual one. The Neo upgrade was initially planned for the replica of Metal Sonic made using the schematics of the original. When I made those plans, I never suspected that the original would return to me. But, to my surprise, I rediscovered the Little Planet some months earlier. Far outside of its ordinary December appearance, and in orbit far past its usual location, its presence was a surprise to be sure. But a welcome one nonetheless. I quickly made contact with Metal Sonic, and gave him the necessary charge to return to Earth for repairs. He was soon sent out in pursuit of Sonic—but along the way, his data from the Little Planet led him to uncover something astounding."

A component of Neo Metal Sonic's schematics is separated from the rest—a glowing violet orb with nothing but question marks pointing to it.

[Eggman]: "This strange object was a mystery even to me. So for now, I'll hand things over to an expert to explain."

—–—

[? ? ?—Anonymous Military Sergeant]

The man sitting in the interview chair sits back in the shadows, his face and voice both disguised. "The Little Planet is one of the many fascinating marvels of our world. Fascinating and dangerous. Until it was discovered by Dr. Robotnik, it was thought to be only a myth—a lush green planet that appears in the sky only in the last month of each year, and only visible from a particular location. But it was no myth. Moreover, we are not the first to know of its existence."

[Eggman]: "But of course. The planet itself is covered in ruins and other structures which were clearly built by someone. Possibly human, or human-like, judging by some of their art. Yet in all my travels from the past to the future of that planet, I never once encountered any such builders."

"Quite right. But these builders must exist somewhere, at some point in time. An analysis of glyphs and carvings in the Lost Labyrinth—a ruins site discovered by the Doctor here on Earth—may just have told us where and when. We've taken to calling them the Postcursors. Original inhabitants of the Little Planet, and masters of time. According to what we've translated from the Lost Labyrinth, the Postcursors lived to see the end of existence itself—a time where all things became one. A single unified energy of the universe. They harnessed just a fraction of this power, and carried it with them backwards in time."

[Eggman]: "But if these Postcursors were truly so powerful, where are they now?"

He readjusts in his seat, getting more comfortable, unknowingly moving his scarred face completely into the light. "As for any society given too much power, they went to war over it. This was a war of time, resulting in the total erasure of their kind from existence—save for one. This one living Postcursor ferried the power down to Earth, and sealed it within the Lost Labyrinth, in the hopes that it could never be found, and such a tragedy could never be repeated."

[Eggman]: "And this is the power that was discovered by Metal Sonic. The power of the Postcursors became integrated into his systems as a sort of universal blueprint, granting him the ability to shapeshift into any form—provided that he had the proper scans and available matter to do so. When he discovered the schematics for Neo Metal Sonic, he eagerly took the form as his own."

"Such a shame that he betrayed the Empire and had to be destroyed."

[Eggman]: "A shame indeed. And a shame that the power seemed to be extinguished upon his defeat."

The Sergeant echoes with a hint of aggravation, "Indeed."

[Eggman]: "Well, thank you for your time. The Eggman Empire appreciates your contribution."

"And I appreciate your generous donation of all available Metal Sonic data."

[Eggman]: "But of course. Now, let's see here…"

The screen flips upside-down.

[Eggman]: "Blast it, now those idiots have me doing it."

[Cubot]: "Oh, I can help! It's this one!"

—–—

Chapter 4 — That time Sonic was kissed by a human princess

*hard rock fanfare*

Eggman sits in stunned silence. "Wait…run that title by me again? Where is this information coming from?"

[Orbot]: "Don't worry about it, just start talking."

"Okay… Well… I don't know when it happened. I don't know why it happened. I don't know how it happened. But I still hate him for it! After all, if the princesses should be kissing anyone, it's me. I'm the one with the mustached hero look that's so popular in the video games. Wait, you did say human princess, right?"

—–—

Historical reenactment

"What!? No! No one wants to see that! Move on, move on!"

—–—

Chapter 5 — Boosting goodwill around the world

*fully orchestrated fanfare*

[Orbot]: "Disaster strikes!"

An image appears of a continentally large fissure in the ground, miles across, and so deep that a dim glow from the Earth's mantle can be seen rising up from the bottom. The image is quickly followed by one after another, each taken from a different continent, all showing the same unbelievably large chasms.

[Orbot]: "As foretold by the ancient Gaia Manuscripts, the Earth's crust was split apart from within, releasing a god of darkness spawned at the planet's core, known to the world as Dark Gaia."

[Cubot]: "So what you're saying is, the Earth was like a giant egg that hatched to release a giant creature that could destroy the world."

[Orbot]: "That's— Wait… That's the Echidna prophecy again! Stop it, you're confusing me!"

[Cubot]: "So that's how it feels when it's the other way around…"

[Orbot]: "Just be quiet and let me finish. Dark Gaia's influence spread all over the world, possessing and corrupting all with dark thoughts and unwelcome behaviors. But Dr. Eggman wouldn't sit by and let that happen. He got to work right away, designing a machine that could attract that dark energy from anywhere in the world, keeping the people safe from Dark Gaia's monsters. This machine was erected at the Empire's newest Capital—Eggmanland, which would eventually become a recognized country by the United Federation. While this was being worked on, the Doctor got in contact with a fellow student of Spagonia University—an expert on the study of the Gaia Manuscripts."

—–—

[Professor Pickle—PhD of Anthropology and Culinary Arts]

"Goodness gracious, you call this thing a sandwich?" The wizened old professor angrily waves half of a sandwich through the air. "This is nothing but layered bread with a vegetable in between!"

[Orbot]: "That's…what a sandwich is…"

"Wait a minute, I remember you! You're the same one who made those lousy sandwiches before! But…weren't you painted a different color?"

[Cubot]: "He doesn't like to talk about those times."

[Orbot]: "I was a very different machine back then…"

"Well, I see your culinary skills haven't improved at all." He sits back down in the interview chair, making a show of dropping the sandwich back down onto the plate next to him.

[Orbot]: "Sir, if you could please just answer the question…"

"Oh? Oh, of course, how rude of me. Er…what was the question again?"

[Orbot]: "Tell us about Doctor Eggman and how you came to know him."

"Ah, yes. I met young Ivo when he was still a student at the University. I could hardly believe what a brilliant young lad he was. Our disciplines of study were quite different, however, so I didn't see him much. But then, decades later, he showed up at my office, quite eager to learn everything I knew about the Gaia Manuscripts. Why, I was so pleased to speak with someone so interested in my research that I hardly noticed the kidnapping."

[Orbot]: "Kidnapping, you say? Sonic…got involved in that whole affair, is that right?"

"Hm? Yes, quite."

[Orbot]: "Right, but back to Eggman for a moment. What exactly did you tell him?"

"Oh, well, I won't bore you with the details, but he was especially interested in understanding how Dark Gaia's influence can affect a person, as well as where he might find the Gaia Temples that effectively hold Dark Gaia in place."

[Orbot]: "So Eggman began to hunt these temples down based on your research? And eventually, they were all located and used to seal Dark Gaia back within the Earth?"

"Both correct, yes."

[Orbot]: "Well there you have it, folks. Another world crisis solved thanks to our glorious ruler, Dr. Eggman."

"What did you say this was for again?"

[Orbot]: "It's a documentary for the Empire. Your contribution is much appreciated, Professor."

"And, er, what Empire would that be?"

[Orbot]: "Is this guy for real…?"

[Cubot]: "Hey, Mr. Pickle! I made you a new sandwich!"

A plate of sandwich slices is presented from behind the camera. Professor Pickle quickly swipes one from the top. "Well, we'll just have to see about this so-called 'sandwich,' then." He holds it up close to his eyes for examination. "Let's see here… Fresh cucumbers, thinly sliced, yes… And the bread… Precisely three quarters of an inch thick." His eyebrows begin to raise as he holds the sandwich up higher. "Why, this sandwich is the work of a true artisan! You simply must show me your process, young lad!"

[Orbot]: "But it's exactly the same as my sandwich…"

—–—
Archival footage — Eggman's Incredible Interstellar Amusement Park

As bombastic brass music plays in the background, a colorful brochure opens wide.

[Eggman]: "Welcome to Eggman's Incredible Interstellar Amusement Park, where you can enjoy five planets for the price of one!"

An animated image of Eggman in a pose of showmanship appears in the center of the brochure. In front of a background showing the edge of space above Earth's horizon, five golden chains spread out one by one from Eggman's position in the center, each one connected to a framed image of a different planetary attraction. The animation zooms in on the center beneath Eggman, depicting a Tropical Resort.

[Eggman]: "First, buckle up, as Eggman's Ultra-Accelerating Space Elevator whisks you to an interplanetary wonderland of fun!"

Connected to the Earth far down below, the car of the space elevator zooms past the camera, heading up towards the Tropical Resort above. Once it arrives in place, the camera takes a scenic montage of the various amenities at the resort, including bright fireworks shows, tall ferris wheels, and endless roads of souvenir shops with flashy welcome signs hung above.

[Eggman]: "This amusement park has been constructed entirely out of a sense of remorse for my past transgressions, and is in no way associated with any sort of evil plot or premeditated misdeeds."

The camera zooms back out to the brochure, before moving back in to the planet on the far left.

[Eggman]: "Already booked your stay at our luxurious Tropical Resort? Next stop, Sweet Mountain!"

The next planet shows horizons of nothing but food, much of it of gargantuan size

[Eggman]: "Enjoying our candy paradise is the perfect way to celebrate your next birthday—or, to avoid reaching it. Insulin will be provided at a marginal extra cost. And by marginal, we mean enormous."

The brochure moves on to another planet, orbited by a massive fleet of neon ships.

[Eggman]: "We continue on our galactic tour to the Starlight Carnival. The sheer scale of our illuminated space fleet is sure to make you feel small, and insignificant, by comparison. Don't blink, or you might miss our lightspeed attractions! Not recommended for photosensitive viewers. Seizures make our other guests uncomfortable."

The next planet appears to be covered entirely by water, with a dome-like mechanical structure surrounding its outside.

[Eggman]: "Ready for some relaxation? Stop by Aquarium Park! This underwater attraction is the perfect place to commune with sea life—and hopefully, get chummy with a shark. The exotic aquarium features many rare and endangered species. Enjoy them with a delicious soy glaze at the Bucket O' Sushi restaurant."

The next planet is not a planet at all, but a dense cluster of asteroids, many with glowing green cores.

[Eggman]: "Hoping to complete your trip with some intense thrills? The Asteroid Coaster is the place for you! Zoom along through—and sometimes into—space debris! Then lose your lunch in zero-g! And remember: in space, no one can hear you scream. Except for the person sitting next to you. So please, be considerate of others. No one likes a screamer."

The brochure moves on to the fifth and final planet, directly above the resort.

[Eggman]: "There's more fun yet to come at Planet Wisp, an attraction still under construction. Though entry is not yet permitted, feel free to admire the scenic views as your lightspeed Egg Shuttle passes by. As a reminder, visitors are cautioned to avoid feeding, petting, or saving any aliens."

The camera zooms back out to show a full view of every planet.

[Eggman]: "All this fun and more is just a quick ride away, at Eggman's Incredible Interstellar Amusement Park! Constructed and owned by Eggman Enterprises. Eggman Enterprises cannot be held responsible for any accidents, injuries, or explosive decompressions experienced while staying at the park. Enter at your own risk. And coming soon—switch to the Ultimate Package! Experience the Colors like you've never seen them before! All you have to do is pay the price of entry a second time! Pre-order your tickets now to receive a complementary keychain! And by now, we mean later. Offer not available at all stores. Turns out building a theme park is very expensive, and some stores paid us extra for exclusive rights. So deal with it. Eggman's Incredible Interstellar Amusement Park! Once you've reached for the stars, you may never go home again!"

The footage cuts to static.

[Cubot]: "What did he mean when he said 'transgressions'?"

[Orbot]: "We just went over this. Remember the whole 'broke into a military base to steal a top secret weapon' thing? Just cause or not, it was still quite illegal. The amusement park was the Doctor's way of apologizing, and restoring the world's faith in him. By force, but that's not important."

[Cubot]: "So what happened next?"

[Orbot]: "You were there, dummy. Sonic destroyed the park."

[Cubot]: "Oh. That's it? That's kind of a let down compared to all the crazy adventures Sonic and Eggman had before. No magic gems? No angry gods? No edgy rivals?"

[Orbot]: "Well, I suppose there's the part with Metal Sonic. That was pretty interesting."

[Cubot]: "That's funny. I don't remember anything like that happening…"

[Orbot]: "Then perhaps you didn't buy the Ultimate Package. Like everyone else."

—–—

Chapter 6 — Back to his roots

*nostalgia pandering fanfare*

[Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik—Emperor, Doctor, Hero, etc.]

Eggman leans back in his chair and stares at the ceiling. "How many more of these interviews are there?"

[Cubot]: "Umm… A lot?"

"Don't you idiots know that children have short attention spans!? Skip ahead to the good part!"

—–—

Chapter something something 1 — Rangers of leaking data

*future fanfare*

"Not here! The other good part!"

—–—

Chapter something something 2 — The Chaos Project begins

*lexicographical fanfare*

"That's better. Now, many of you may be wondering. What exactly is The Chaos Project? Simply put, it's what finally allowed me to bring peace and order to the world, unifying all under the Eggman Empire as I had always dreamed. The Chaos Project is the foundation of your history, and mine as well. It's the culmination of all of my experiences—the energy of life, the Chaos Emeralds, my grandfather's research, the Light and Dark forces of the Earth, they're all connected!"

[Orbot]: "And what of your more recent experiences?"

"Only slightly less important. After all, this power, this Chaos Energy, is everywhere we look. It lies within alien creatures just as it lies within ourselves. It permeates the entire Earth. The fabric of time, space, reality, and beyond, all of it is connected by some form of this power. The Chaos Project is not just some machine that uses this power. It's an entire field of study. The Chaos Project is dedicated to finding these connections, using them to their fullest! Powering the machines that removed the United Federation from power was only the beginning. Even to this day, The Chaos Project is producing ever more scientific breakthroughs."

[Orbot]: "And what does all this have to do with Sonic the Hedgehog?"

"Ah, Sonic… He remains the same blight on progress that he always has been. He's no stranger to the power of Chaos. But where I seek to share this power with the entire world, he keeps it only for himself. Someday, that will change. Someday, Sonic's power will be returned to all mankind, where it belongs. That, I suppose, is the end goal of The Chaos Project."

[Orbot]: "Perfect. I think that just about wraps up this segment. Cubot?"

[Cubot]: "Don't worry, I got it this time."

An alarm siren begins to wail as the room floods with a strobing red light. Eggman scowls. "Cubot… What did you do?"

[Orbot]: "It looks like he just fired an armed warhead at Mobius City."

[Cubot]: "How does that even work!?"

[Orbot]: "It could be worse. At least you didn't fire on a canon city."

[Cubot]: "Oh, yeah. Then they could've used their cannons to fire back."

[Orbot]: "Sure. Let's go with that."

Eggman groans loudly as the camera cuts.

—–—

[Blacklight the Hedgehog—Copy of a copy of the hedgehog we hate]

[Cubot]: "Uhh…isn't this guy supposed to be dead?"

[Orbot]: "Of course he is. This is a recording that we found. At least, I don't remember filming it recently…"

[Cubot]: "Okay…second question. Why is he wearing a sombrero?"

The white and green hedgehog leans forward in his chair, tipping the sombrero on his head down over his eyes. "You guys got a problem?"

[Orbot and Cubot]: "…"

Blacklight smiles. "Good." He leans back to a more comfortable position. "First of all, I'd like to thank you for choosing to interview the greatest TV personality who ever lived."

[Cubot]: "Comedy Chimp?"

"No, me!"

[Cubot]: "Did he just answer me?"

"Of course not, this is a recording." He snaps his fingers. "Now pay attention. I imagine you guys want to hear a thing or two about Speedy. That's his name, right? Speedy?"

[Cubot]: "You mean Sonic?"

"I know that you're trying to correct me right now, but I can't hear you, so I'm just going to move on. I met Speedy for about…oh…ten minutes? Well actually, there was this time loop thing going on, so it was probably, like, days or something, I don't know, I lost track. Either way, he was super annoying. He had all these insults and self-aggrandizing claims that he just wouldn't shut up about. Like, seriously, just let a guy finish his evil monologue, why don'tcha?"

[Orbot]: "I'm very confused right now…"

[Cubot]: "Just a typical day for me."

"So anyways—" He stops, looking up as if noticing the brim of the hat above his eyes for the first time. "Huh?" He takes off the sombrero and looks at it for a moment. "What's this thing?" He shrugs and tosses it offscreen. "Anyways, you guys got snacks? I'm starved."

[Cubot]: "Ooh! I'll make him a sandwich!"

[Orbot]: "Maybe I shouldn't say it…"

"I'd make fun of you right now, but that would be way too easy. So I'll make fun of your mother instead."

[Cubot]: "Hey, no one insults my mommy!"

[Orbot]: "You're a robot, you don't have a mommy. Also, he still can't hear you…"

"Eh, that's too cliché anyways. I got it! Knock knock joke! Knock knock!"

[Cubot]: "Who's there?"

"Not me." Blacklight snaps his fingers, and disappears in a flash of light.

[Cubot]: "'Not me' who?"

[Orbot]: "Ugh…"

After a moment, Blacklight reappears, reaching past the edges of the screen to pick up the discarded sombrero. "Not meaning to intrude, but I'm taking this with me. For totally legitimate and definitely not weird reasons. Adios, amigos. I have a talk show to host." He snaps his fingers and disappears again.

[Cubot]: "I don't get the joke…"

[Orbot]: "You are the joke. As per usual…"

—–—

Inside the mind of the mad Doctor—Part the Last

The final set of schematics to appear are only half mechanical—the rest belonging to the organic body of Sonic.

[Eggman]: "Most of you likely recognize the figure shown here. This is Cyber Sonic, who briefly served as the Empire's most reliable enforcer. His is truly a design of the future. Life and machinery working together in perfect harmony. The mechanical parts never need charging—they are constantly powered by Sonic's life energy. Meanwhile, his physical and mental performance is greatly enhanced by the mechanical implants."

The display zooms in on Sonic's head, where more specific readouts are shown of the metal implant covering one side of his face.

[Eggman]: "Through these implants, he was also granted yet another gift—the combat data and analysis programs from Metal Sonic, and all in the Mecha Sonic line to come before. But, however reformed Sonic seemed to be, he was, in truth, the same traitor against mankind that he always has been. What this means is that Sonic is more of a danger than ever. This time, it was not the technology that failed. It was the biology. As soon as he was given the chance, he stole a Chaos Emerald from the Empire, causing a panic at a prison facility to cover his disappearance that also allowed the escape of hundreds of dangerous criminals. So let this be a lesson to you all. A lesson that I should have learned long ago. Never trust a Hedgehog."

Suddenly, the display becomes filled with static.

[Eggman]: "What!? What's going on here!?"

One by one, all of the other robot Sonic schematics appear in a circle around that of Cyber Sonic, which disappears. After a moment, the face of Cyber Sonic reappears—this one quite animated. "Thanks, Doc. I'll be taking all of this now."

[Eggman]: "You! How did you get into my systems!?"

"Ah, you do have all of their locations in here. Perfect. I'll take good care of them, don't you worry."

[Eggman]: "Why you little—"

"Don't get so worked up, Doc. They'll be free. Just like me."

[Eggman]: "Cut the feed, cut the feed! I hate that hedgehog!"

—–—

Conclusion

*E.G.G.M.A.N. fanfare*

"And so, here we are." Eggman sits back in the interview chair, his arms open wide to the audience. "Hopefully, you all now have a better idea of who this Sonic person is, and what makes him so dangerous."

[Orbot]: "And a better idea of the history of your wonderful emperor as well."

[Cubot]: "I had an idea, once. It was neat."

"But now, we come back to the question that started it all. If this Sonic person is truly so dangerous, what can one little idiot— I mean child, do about it? Well if you've been paying attention, you should already know the answer to that question. Because you are not just one child. You are every child in the world."

[Cubot]: "What kind of freaky cloning experiment have you been working on…?"

"Sonic has long been empowered by a people unable to see the evil in him. But now, you know better. You can spread the word. You can keep your eyes open. And together, we can find that hedgehog, and stop him once and for all. So say it with me now. Who do we hate?"

[Orbot]: "We hate that hedgehog!"

[Cubot]: "Big the Cat!"

"Ugh, close enough…"

[Orbot]: "Cubot, would you like to give me the camera now?"

[Cubot]: "No no, I have it for sure this time. It's this one, right? I'm pressing it."

[Orbot]: "No, that's the publish button! You'll send the unedited footage to the entire—

Hate That Hedgehog — Staff Credits

Featuring

Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik

Orbot

Cubot

Nack the Weasel-Wolf-Jerboa-Tooth Guy

Antique Shop Guy

Professor Pickle

? ? ?

Blacklight the Hedgehog

Cyber Sonic the Half-Hedgehog

Performances by

Orbot as Dr. Robotnik and Lt. Jonathan Naka and Himself

Dave the Intern as Sonic the Hedgehog

Cubot as Tails and Agent Victor Voynakov and Himself

Heavy Gunner as Himself

Heavy Magician as Radio Voice

Extras

Princess Elise of Soleanna

Wisper the Wolf

Battle Kukku XVI

Tom Wachowski

Lindsey Thorndyke

Sally Acorn

Coffee Boy

Zavok

Boom Operator

Heavy Gunner

Film Editor

…

Voice Director

Roger Craig Smith

Music Composition

Jun Senoue

Tomoya Ohtani

The Sonic Underground

Cubot

Visual Effects

Eggsoft Paint

Eggsoft Slideshow

Hedgehog Engine 5

Best Boy

Classic Tails

—–—

In Memorial

Dave the Intern

Born: ?

Died: We're still not sure

"May you find peace in that eternal Break Room in the sky."

—–—

THE END

This film is entirely non-fictional. Any similarities to fictional characters or events are entirely coincidental. We swear. Please don't sue us, SEGA.

Happy 30th Anniversary, Sonic the Hedgehog! Thanks for sharing 5 great years with The Chaos Project, and many more to come!

Thanks for making our childhoods feel magical, and our futures look bright! Here's to Sonic!