"Are you suggesting we play a little game?"
"Oh, please. Nothing quite as serious as that. Games involving you… they always turn out weird, don't they?"
"Oh, the blame doesn't lie solely on me for that. You of all people…"
"Should know, yes, yes I've heard this from you for ages now. But if this is a 'game' of sorts, then here are the rules I'm suggesting. Or, rule, as it were."
"Go on. I'm listening."
Respite, Part 2
Fret blinked twice, coming back to reality. He had no idea how long he'd spaced out for but everyone else was getting ready to leave and thanking the Don. He quickly left the yen for his meal on the counter, dusted himself off, and hopped up to join everyone at the entrance. He hoped they hadn't have noticed him acting like that, though he supposed it wouldn't be bad to get these things off his chest. As if on cue, Neku pulled back from the group in front of Fret, who was now lagging behind them. "Hey man, the clouds have cleared up." He began, causing Fret to look up and see that, indeed, Shibuya was now blanketed in a blue-and-white tapestry above them, allowing the sun to shine on them. Fret didn't feel any warmer, though. "…but your attitude still seems grey. Something on your mind?" Fret recalled Nagi's words. The capacity to change further… he knew it was possible, he just had to keep at it.
"Yeah… actually, it's pretty heavy." Fret glanced upwards. Rindo was punching his fist in the air over… something (FanGO?) while Shoka gave him a light tap on the shoulder, which Shiki promptly scolded her for. "I really don't wanna kill the mood."
"Hey." Neku put a hand on Fret's shoulder and gave a light smile, barely noticeable, his way. "You might not have known me long, but you can lay it on me. I've shouldered the troubles of the world before, it's felt like. Whatever you think could kill my vibe, it's nothing you have to fear saying." Fret felt a hard knot form in his throat. Once again, someone was being kind to him because he was trying to be himself. It wasn't because he was peppy, or outgoing, or likeable, or anything of the sort. People could like genuine. It made him emotional and he didn't quite know why.
"It's about Kanon. And bo– no, Nagi. Well, mainly Kanon. But also boss plays a part in it… sorta."
"I was told about her. Helped you guys out of a fix quite a few times, right?"
"Yeah but…" Fret looked up from the pavement again. They were walking through the crowds of 104 now, but everything still felt isolated and small, like the only world he existed in was the one where he and Neku were having a heart-to-heart. "She was just so much *more* than that, you know? She was capable, a good leader, honest; even if it hurt… and a thousand other things I'll save you the trouble of listing off. Losing her felt like… like…" Rindo, Shoka, and Shiki were still walking ahead of them, absorbed in FanGO. Shiki was interrogating Neku about the game, it seemed like. For some reason, this made Fret feel… angry? A hot flash in his stomach, boiling an ocean of grief. It made him feel nauseous, like the world was spinning around him for a moment. How dare they? How dare they enjoy themselves whilst he felt like this? He thought, but that thought was fleeting and, like his anger, quickly left, the waves of despair left to crash in stark coldness once more.
"Hey, you can say it," Neku reassured him.
"…like a part of me died with her. My chance for my own future. A chance at something more than this weird Fret persona I could never get rid of. The whole world just… closed off for a bit after she died. And now… no-one even remembers her." Neku was silent for a moment, thinking.
"Fret… I've been wondering this for a while now but now I have to ask."
"What is it?" Did he hate him all of a sudden for saying things like that?
"Do you really think that the sociable, joking, lively part of you is just a persona?"
"Um… sorta, yeah." More thinking from Neku.
"Well… it isn't."
"Wh-Whaddaya mean?" Fret pursed his lips and furrowed his brow. What Neku had just said… it had to be wrong, right? That part of him was fake, an act he put on to trick people into liking him, right?
"What I mean is that you don't have to sacrifice that part of yourself. Sure, being yourself doesn't mean that you can just act like a complete clown and hope that no-one notices you're angry, or hurting, or anything else other than happy, but it also doesn't mean denying the part of yourself that displays that emotion. The real Fret, the one you've yet to find… I think he's somewhere in-between what you believe is real and what you believe is fake. They're both you and acting like neither exists or trying to get rid of them is just denying who are you are. I think if Nagi were here, she'd say the same thing." Fret absorbed all of this, thought on it, and realised he was probably right. It's just… the side of him that acted that way… it was the one Kanon died hating. It was the one Nagi hated him for. Could he live knowing that was still a part of him?
"You're probably right, man. Just… feels weird to have it said by someone else."
"Well, you needed some advice so I just said what felt natural. You don't have to sugarcoat words, not with friends. If it's a strong friendship, it can survive any words you throw at it."
"Yeah…" Fret suddenly felt kinda sweaty and weird. He didn't know how to say this next bit. "You uh… think I'm a genuine person? Even sometimes?" Why was that hard to say? It wasn't different from a lot of other stuff he'd asked him in the past few minutes. Was it the word choice? Genuine… the one person who liked that word above all else was Nagi. She wouldn't hear the answer to this question but even still, Fret was scared of letting her down.
"Not really." Fret sighed. Of course. Of course that was his answer! "It's not that you're not genuine sometimes, or even most of the time now. It's just that you like adding in these small white lies every so often to what you're saying. Even now, during this conversation. You knew what I meant the whole time, you were just scared to hear it, probably because you thought it would make someone else upset. And that's…" Fret didn't want to hear more. This was just too much for him. "…fine. You just haven't changed completely, but you still can. No-one's ever set in their ways. I mean, just look at me. Though, I do have an idea if you wanna learn something about being genuine. Hey, Shiki!" Fret stood there, walking onwards across the scramble, but still felt frozen. Twice now someone had told him he could change. It was nice. It felt like people were on his side, not because he was wearing some friendly and approachable mask but because they could trust him to change. He wanted to repay that trust. Not just with Neku, but with boss too. The cold feeling left his body as he walked further and Shiki hung back to speak to Neku. If he believed in him, then…
"Alright, I'll tell the other two." Shiki ran ahead again.
"What was that about?" Fret looked to Neku.
"Not much," he replied. "Just gonna take a detour to Udagawa on the way to Takeshita Street. I'm getting Shiki to take Shoka back to Mr. H's digs for a bit, considering that's her home at the moment and I'm sure she'd love a conversation with her favourite fashion designer in private."
"Soooo, Rindude?"
"Coming with us. Think he'd like to see what I'm about to show the both of you too."
"Sounds cool. Gonna let us in on what's going on?"
"Nope. Wouldn't want to spoil the surprise, after all."
"Aww, come on, even just a little hint?" he gave his best puppy-dog eyes to Neku, who rolled his and snorted in response.
"If you're gonna keep acting like this, maybe I'll just change my mind."
"But legendary one!"
"Ugh, not this 'legendary hero' crap again. I'm just Neku!" He laughed. The mood surrounding the two had lightened up considerably after their talk earlier. Fret really admired Neku and his ability to diffuse serious situations, even barely tense ones, to something more jovial as quickly as he could. He spoke his bit and then was back to making everyone feel good, genuinely good, in a way Fret wanted to emulate. Why couldn't he be more like Neku? The thought bummed him out. But, hey, maybe the secret to his success with people could be found in Udagawa? Whatever it was, it had to be worth it. This was Neku, after all.
Nagi pried the shards of glass from her fingertips. There's only so much fingerless gloves can protect you from. The tumbler shattering as she held it was one of them. Who could blame her? That beverage holder was awfully thin and for someone as ill-versed in dexterity as she… no, that wasn't it. She knew from the grinding of her teeth and the furrowing of her brow as it happened she'd clutched the thing far too tightly and sent splinters flying into her, burying some in her fingers as it exploded. She watched, mesmerised as streams of crimson danced down her skin and into the basin below, every so often breaking her focus to daub the wounds with a warm washcloth. Of course, the reason behind her misfortune was those nightmares again. It always was. They replayed in her mind, on and off, as if her brain was left in one of Rindo's loops from the UG, always bringing with them terrible amounts of stress. Sometimes the cold sweat from her forehead dripped onto her page during lectures, smudging the ink and ruining her notes. It was most inconvenient. It had even messed with her activities in the world of EleStra – though her unbroken streak of one-thousand and forty consecutive logins continued, she could not bring herself to play any side stories, make progress in the Dungeon of the Tuatha Dé or even fight any defence teams that may have needed humbling that week. She spent most of her time fretting over not getting enough sleep and what would happen once she did. Most of the wounds had closed now and the only thing left to do was wash the blood down the sink and be done with it, but… before she could turn the tap to start the water she caught a glimpse of herself in the red below. Had she always looked this bad? Maybe she was just being warped by the blood's appearance but… she found herself thinking she looked more disgusting than usual. Those thoughts were washed away with the blood and collapsed as she did, splayed out on the bed.
_2:30_
Nagi: […]
Nagi had opened up her messages while on autopilot. She reasoned this was because she felt she needed to talk to someone to distract herself, the question was who?
_2:31_
Fret: Hey nagirl, dont think
I didn't see you typing
Well actually
I got a notification telling
me you were
But still counts
Of course Fret was her most recent contact. It wasn't that she resented or hated him in any way, just that at times like these a fellow dweller of the dark would be preferable, a like mind with which one could discuss most anything compatibly. Those who stood in the light were less prone to a compatible conversation, though Nagi would still converse with one should the situation arise.
_2:31_
Nagi: 'Twas merely a slip
of the finger.
Fret: And here I thought
you were gonna bear your
heart and soul to me
Nagi: Perhaps once you
have proved yourself a
strategist of some renown
Fret: Wait youre serious?
Nagi: Nevermind. What
is of importance here is
the fact I was not typing
to any one person in
particular. It was a
decision made quite
absent-mindedly and
in the moment is all.
Nagi assumed this would end the conversation. It wasn't that she didn't trust Fret, or any of the others for that matter. It's just that opening up about this sort of stuff was… difficult. This in particular, for some reason. Whenever she had the idea to text someone – anyone – be it ally or alliance member, friend or forum-goer she found herself seizing up and the laugh of that man echoing in her head, taunting her. There was a moment she found her head filled with white noise, a low droning in her ears as she focused in on that laugh and who belonged to. It began to echo around her head and that droning began to get louder, building into a buzz and then a ringing and then a cacophonous alarm, accompanied by an ever louder and ever more frenzied laugh. She tried to cup her hands over her ears, to shut the noise out but it just wouldn't stop, it was ceaseless and made her skin stand on end, feeling as raw as when she was ripped to bloody shreds in her nightmares. Booming footsteps joined the chorus of mayhem in her head, seeming to come from wherever behind her was in this state of disorientation. The footsteps stopped and the breathing and chuckling started, right in her ear.
"Oh, don't expect any respite from me, darlin'." The voice was low and quiet, perfectly clear having silenced all other noise in her head. "I might be gone, but I am *not* forgotten." The voice was… familiar, somehow. It belonged to a name she could not place. But it had malice in it, intractable venom that coated each word, slipping through that calm demeanour. "It's so damn quiet now, isn't it? Perfect for a one-on-one talk." The voice sniggered, running chills down her spine. Nagi couldn't place a face to it, but if it had one, it was definitely sneering as it said this. "Lemme tell ya something, you smug purple-haired piece of shit. You and your little posse made me sick. I was glad to see you and this whole rotten town go up in a blaze of glory, even if someone put a stop to it."
Nagi began to feel acutely uncomfortable. The ceiling of her dorm, which had spun for the past few minutes, was now beginning to go from a brilliant white to a void as her vision failed her and tears caused things to blur in front of her. The voice moved to her other ear now and let out a frustrated groan. "Why did you have to step in? That's always been the case with you, right? You go ahead and start rattling off your little pearls of wisdom to friend and foe alike. All about this 'self-improvement' nonsense. Well I have a bit of advice, from me… to you. Why don't you take a look in the fuckin' mirror for once?! We both know how you feel about yourself…!" The voice had lost its composure, screaming angrily into her ear, causing her breath to become laboured. "Nyeh… nyeheh… after all… I'm… in here with ya." The voice had seemed to stop to gather some breath and compose itself, returning to its usual cold and cruel act. "Now listen up, darlin', cause I got a special mission for ya today." Despite what felt like a rope tying itself around her vocal cords, Nagi managed to whimper out a response.
"Slit your throat…" Nagi could almost feel a presence next to her ear, as it whispered directly inside of it, "and choke on the blood." The footsteps rang out again, impossibly moving away from her. By now she was reduced to shivering on the bed, seizing up, and lying in a pool of cold sweat. She felt exhausted and finally collapsed, her vision dimming entirely. Her only thought as she drifted off was that she was glad that, this time, she could sleep without that voice haunting her. Just this once.
_2:46_
Fret: Boss
I uh
Don't know how to say
this but
Practice what you preach
And thats like
Not in a mean way
But I can tell that whatever
was bothering you this
morning is still an issue
So
If you could just share it
Y'know
Get it off your chest?
Cuz like
You know ill listen right
Boss?
You there?
hey idk if youre like trying
to avoid me or whatever but
this isnt funny
_2:51_
Fret: nagi please
it isnt like you to just not
respond like this im
concerned
youve never dipped mid
conversation before
i know somethings up
please just
be alright
stay safe
Sent 30 minutes ago. They were approaching Udagawa now – things had taken a while, something about a robbery near Spain Hill clogging up Centre Street, but Fret wasn't concerned about that. He was only concerned about this odd behaviour Nagi was displaying. He knew it didn't bode well, both his gut and prior experience told him that. Refusing to share information about what's pressing you… that was the start of a pattern that had led to something he'd rather never revisit years back. He wasn't anxious to see that happen again, not to any of the Twisters he'd grown so close to. He looked at Rindo and Neku, who had given him space, clearly seeing how agitated and concerned he was. Guess they thought it would be best to let him cool off. But how could he? There was this swelling anxiety, churning like an ocean in his heart. As they approached the backstreets, he pushed it as whatever Neku wanted to show them, he wished to give it his full time and respect.
"Well, here it is." Neku spread his arms in a wide sweeping motion. "This is what I wanted you both to see." In front of them was that large graffiti mural that they'd passed many times in the backstreets.
"The… CAT mural?" Rindo asked.
"Of course."
"I mean… it's kinda cool but I've never really thought of it as some super-awesome, life-altering thing. Rindude?" Rindo shrugged and nodded his head in agreement. Fret wondered what Neku saw in this thing.
"I thought that would be that case. I know you two have the ability to understand CAT's work but you just need to see things the right way. Really look at it. …Focus your mind." Fret took a few steps backward to behold the entirety of the mural, to really get a feel for what it was Neku was saying. How did this relate to being genuine, even slightly?
"Fret. You look troubled." Fret opened his mouth to say something. "Just for now, for these brief moments… shelve those fears. Open your senses." Fret nodded and blinked twice, glaring at the wall art, trying to see what Neku saw. And slowly… he began to understand. It was like the wall itself began to move, the arms above the stylised cat head began to sway and other odd details began to spring to life. At that moment, that briefest of instances, Fret forgot the world around him. He forgot his worries, his fears about himself, about Nagi, about everyone. He breathed in the air and felt a cool breeze flow into his lungs. The traffic, the yelling, the chatter, the wind… it had all stood still, only the mural hypnotically swaying in front of him. There was a phrase for this that entered his mind like a bolt from the blue. This was… 'enjoying the moment'. His worries that played on his mind so frequently began to morph into positive thoughts. He felt like his journey of self-improvement was inevitably going to reach a conclusion for the better. He felt like his doubts about Nagi's well-being were justified, yet at the same time that Nagi was capable enough to ensure she would keep herself safe. He felt oddly fulfilled, made whole as if a piece of him that was missing had rejoined his body. He knew why Neku had brought him here now, why the three of them had gathered. And though the ecstasy of the moment was leaving his body, he felt the desire to pursue it again. To live in the moment, every moment, and enjoy it as he did then. Neku had taken him here because this was CAT's expression of genuineness, the art that represented him, his beliefs, and his love for the city. This art was distilled honesty and it comforted Fret.
"…whoa." Rindo blinked. "That was… huh. I can't believe I never felt that in the UG."
"You probably weren't focusing on it enough. Everyone is affected by CAT's work, even if they don't realise it. But it's only those who truly understand, who choose to open their mind to it, who end up understanding how he expressed himself honestly through this. That's why I was such a fan."
"You hold this guy in high regard?" Rindo asked.
"Yep. That honesty, that joy – not just for living every moment with all you've got, but for Shibuya and its people – it was what I was missing, years ago. I couldn't open up. CAT's art completed me, showed me what I was missing out on… but once I left, it's like the message couldn't stick. I parroted his words and told myself I lived by them but was I really? When I entered the Game, I realised I wasn't and… I changed." Rindo looked down at this last bit, Fret noticed, perhaps relating to and feeling a twinge of guilt from Neku's words. Poor guy.
"I thought… if I could change because of CAT, then what about both of you? You both have things I know you want to resolve, so I decided that it's best if you saw this work for what it was. That way, it could change you too." Fret and Rindo both smiled at Neku.
"Come on, say something. It's getting hard to be all serious when you two just stare at me with those grins plastered on your faces."
"It's just… this is pretty sweet of you is all." Fret giggled.
"'Sweet?' Is that what you're calling it?" Neku stifled laughter.
"We appreciate it, Neku, it's just… can't help but feel like you just wanted to flex your ability to comprehend this stuff a little bit."
"You got me there, Rindo." The three laughed for a while before composing themselves. Neku cleared his throat. "Anyway. Takeshita Street time?"
"Takeshita Street time." Rindo concurred. As the two turned to leave, Fret thought a little. Sure, he'd love to go to Takeshita Street and hang out with everyone until sundown… but was that really what he wanted most? He didn't have to think much about it.
"Hey, hold up a moment. I uh… don't think I'll be tagging along."
"Oh…" Rindo and Neku were pretty bad at disguising their disappointment. In a way, it made Fret kinda glad. They enjoyed his company.
"Uh, it's not that I don't wanna hang out with you guys but… it's just that there's something else that's kinda urgent at the moment I wanna take care of."
"That what you looked so wound up about before?"
"Yeah…" Fret sighed deeply. "It's boss. Something weird is going on with her and I just wouldn't feel right hanging out with everyone while whatever's going on with her is happening. I just wanna stay home and make sure I'm there for when she decides to get back to me." Rindo and Neku looked at each other before looking back to Fret.
"Well, it's a shame you can't come, but I won't stop you, man."
"Me neither." Neku nodded. "We'll hit her up too, tell Shiki and Shoka about this and hopefully she gets back."
"Yeah… sorry guys."
"Nah, don't apologise. Besides, this is a rare opportunity for 'the Fretster' to show his sensitive side to the people of Shibuya, right?" Rindo grinned.
"Hey-! I resent that!" He mocked getting angry, causing Rindo to chuckle and getting a smile out of Neku.
"Well, be seeing you, man." The two turned around to leave, but Neku case one final glance his way.
"Oh, and Fret? Thanks for keeping it real." He followed it up with a smile that seemed so effortlessly true. Fret wanted to smile that way. That last comment made Fret feel oddly… warm inside. Was it the fact it came from… no, surely not. He checked his phone. Still no response, but that didn't matter. Beginning the trek back to the station, Fret resolved to make sure he'd be there when there was one.
Nagi jolted awake. Viscous strands of drool leaked from inbetween her lips onto the sheets below. She checked the time… 2 am. She must've needed to sleep off those days of exhaustion and nights of terror. Ugh. Her head felt fuzzy still, like she'd been knocked unconscious by the butt of an Albion spear. She checked her phone, lying next to her on the bed, warm from having been slept on for nearly twelve hours. There was a stream of notifications, including a ton of texts from Fret. When she tapped on them to read them she felt her heart sink. Her waking nightmare had sent him into what was quite clearly an unadulterated panic. She knew she needed to reply right that instant but… she already knew he'd ask for details on why she had left for so long. Details she still, for some reason, couldn't bring herself to discuss with any of the Twisters. When she thought about sharing it with forum-goers or maybe some kind soul in the global or regional chat, she felt at ease. But the Twisters? The thought of them knowing terrified her and not knowing why this was caused that fear to pile up. But Fret deserved an answer and deliberating on her morals of clear and friendly communication for the first time would have to wait.
_2:23_
Nagi: Tosai, I'm so sorry.
Fret: Oh thank god
You're safe! I never
doubted it
Well
maybe a little
A whole lot actually
Nagi: I simply collapsed
of exhaustion owing to
issues in my personal life.
That, however, is no excuse
for making a friend worry
over me. It bears repeating:
I am sorry.
Fret: Nah don't apologise
Just glad youre safe
but
I just want you to be honest
with me
With everyone
Have you seen the group
chat?
Nagi flicked over to the chat and saw that alongside general discussion of the issues of the day (Beat seemed to be making progress with getting Rhyme her scholarship; asking where everyone was; et cetera) there was a block of texts from 3 pm onwards all wishing her well.
_15:08_
Neku: Nagi, dunno when
you'll be reading this but
apparently something's
happened that's caused
Fret to worry so we're all
a bit concerned too. Hope
whatever it is you can open
up to us about
Beat: oh shit is pinny still
feelin down?
hey pinny remember what
i said earlier that i hope
your doing well :)
Rhyme: Beat, when you're
trying to comfort someone
the least you can do is use the
correct 'you're'.
Beat: huh
that was the wrong one?
Shoka: oh my god you
losers are probably weirding
her out rn
Shiki: I dunno I think beat's
typing errors are kinda cute
Fret: Guys…
Rhyme: Sorry, Fret. Hope
you're feeling better when
you see this Nagi!
Nagi smiled at her phone screen. Her friends were something else, sometimes. She felt too drained to respond to everyone individually to thank them properly, but that was top of her to-do list tomorrow.
_2:10_
Fret: Well, Im heading to
sleep
Nagi: Before you do, I just
want to thank you.
Fret: It was nothing
Well
Actually nah
That thanks means a lot to
me
Really
Nagi: It seems you have
begun to take to heart
the teachings you have
been given.
Fret: You think so?
That's cool I guess
Anyway cya tomorrow
'That's cool I guess', Nagi thought. Heh, he was totally eating up that praise, and one day she'd make him admit that truthfully. She looked out at the night sky from the window next to her, which reminded her of the terror that was inevitably about to come. This time she resolved to power through it. After all, she had a meeting to make at 10 am tomorrow. And she wasn't prepared to let down someone who had shown her such kindness.