Interlude 1
Pierce the Skin
_4:15_
Fret: It's getting late, man.
Please, just stay safe.
[ ]: haha
How else do you think
I've survived this long?
I always choose to stay
safe, Fret.
Fret: I'm just worried about
the day you make the wrong
choice.
You've really been scaring
me these past few weeks
I mean you didn't show up
to school for a whole week
Good thing I kept checking
on you
[ ]: Look
Man
I know I do dumb shit to
myself sometimes but
Don't you think I deserve
it?
Fret: what the fuck no
no you don't
[ ]: I've not done the
dumbest thing possible yet
Even I'm not low enough
to do that
Fret: Yeah well
For both our sakes
Don't ever do that
Remember that whole
talk we had a few months
ago, about graduating uni?
[ ]: lol good one
You know I don't plan on
living past 20
Fret: ehfjgkaajkg
even if that's like
your idea of a joke
don't say shit like that
[ ]: Don't get so wound
up. I just told you, didn't I?
Even I'm not low enough to
kill myself.
Fret: If I trusted you when
you said that I wouldn't be
up at this time
I take my fingers off the screen. These conversations always leave me feeling as low as you. I wish you'd understand that. My phone is hot to the touch, probably from talking to you for so long. How long has it been? Five hours? I love you, dude, but if scaring me half to death for five hours straight is your idea of friendship, I'm stumped on what I mean to you. I sigh, leaning back against my chair, feeling the sweat on the back of top stick to my back. It's cold now, having stayed there for a majority of the night, and feels gross, but it's worth suffering – even if that word is a bit much – through just to talk to you. To try and soothe your mind and stop whatever negative thoughts are racing through it. All that's lit up in my room on this uncomfortably stuffy night is my face, and the only thing I can hear right now is the low electrical hum that's always accompanied silence in this building. Hopefully if we speak long enough I'll begin to hear birdsong. I rub my eyes, dry and strained, and return to typing.
_4:19_
[ ]: Fair enough.
I don't deserve to be
trusted anyway.
Fret: You need to stop
thinking like that, like
I keep saying. You know
I didn't mean it in that way
but you always take like
The least charitable
interpretation from my
words, man.
And also stop talking
like an old man. You're
15
We've got our whole
lives ahead of us my
dude.
[ ]: You have, at least.
Fret: No, we're making it
through this my guy.
Fret and [ ] all the way
[ ]: You know
I've always loved your
optimism, Tosai.
Sometimes I wish I
could've been born with
it too.
Fret: Nah, I just learned this.
Way I see it, best thing to do
when someone is in a shitty
mood is to be super nice to
them so they're forced to
crack a smile.
Sometimes a smile is all
it takes to keep you going
[ ]: Yeah
Guess it's that mindset
that separates me from
you.
Wish I could've been more
like you
Fret: I hope that tense change
wasn't intentional
[ ]: No, it was.
It's all so
tiring
To wake up and not be able
to even think about smiling
or anything close to that to
begin with
To just sit there
watching
as people more successful
and more happier than you
go on to do shit with their
lives
I accepted that a long time
ago
My place in life isn't at
a job or university or fuck
knows where else pathetic
fucking scum like me has
no place being
It's at the end of a rope
Or in a bathtub somewhere
Or as a bloodstain on the
ground or on a wall
Alone
Uncared for
Brushed aside
Like it's always been
Fret: I
don't know what to say
except
every time you talk about
this you've never gone
through with it so
please
just don't do it now
[ ]: Yeah
You're right
It's cause I'm a
coward lol
Fret: I don't know
how to respond to
that
So uh
goodnight, [ ].
See you tomorrow
[ ]: Sure
See you tomorrow
Goodbye, Fret.
Tomorrow never came, did it? Even now, two years on, I'm forced to remember it. How a classmate who came to deliver schoolwork found your mother, kneeling in front of your corpse hanging from the ceiling, in shock, unable to even bring herself to cry. How I waited outside your apartment building, skipping school just to make sure it wasn't true, that it was impossible that this had happened to you.
…How I couldn't deny it anymore when I saw your body being wheeled out to the ambulance, covered in a white sheet. There was a kid in our school who lived in the same apartment building who took pictures of your body before it was removed from the ceiling. He showed it off to people. Like it was some sort of trophy. It's burned into my mind. I can't get rid of it now. I could, for a while. But not now. Thanks to her. There were these cuts, all up your arms and they just kept… bleeding. In each photo a stream of red, running down them and onto your fingers. I threw up when I first saw them and just kept crying into the toilet bowl when I was supposed to be in class. I remember my sobs, echoing around me. I had hoped your voice would join them, that this nightmare would just be over and that you were still there and ready to lay a hand on my shoulder and comfort me as I comforted you so many times before. No such luck. The sobs just kept echoing out.
I also remember the guilt. It's a funny feeling. Stops you dead in your tracks and silences the world around you as you just try to make sense of everything. It's like a horrible mixture of fear and frustration and sadness solidifying in your stomach and lodging itself there. I decided that I was the reason you bled. That I hadn't tried hard enough, that I didn't care to the extent of saving you. I think I know better now. I couldn't have saved you. I don't think anyone could've done that, even if I wish it wasn't true. The blood down your arms… the reason I bled too… it wasn't my fault. None of it was, I think. I hope.
But now… someone is bleeding like you. And it is my fault. And I'm running. I don't know what to do. I think I want to be there for her. But I don't know how to be. I hardly even know myself and the more people try to explain it, the more scared and confused I become. So what now?
What now?