"How do I feel about the whole thing? How do I feel? Hah! Good question. Not like it matters too much!
…
…Terrified."
11: Half-Hearted
The great flood of commuters attempting to leave the train had Fret tell Nagi to sit back down. He knew she was antsy to get off, of course, but he would be a pretty bad friend if he were to let her walk into the crowds of people she always felt acutely uncomfortable around. Besides, she still had his cap on. He wasn't in a hurry to lose that anytime soon. When the crowds had thinned, the two emerged from the train into Shibuya station and Fret immediately felt at home. He'd been to Hachioji a few times but it never welcomed him in quite the same way Shibuya did and, after the Game, his examination of the students' district proved this more thoroughly than ever. Shibuya was freedom in searingly bright, sometimes gaudy, glory. And he was glad that it wasn't just him that could experience this, but all those he had bonded with over the game's duration.
"Ah, this is the life." He breathed deeply and exhaled, feeling relaxed after than long and, thanks to EleStra, sometimes slightly frustrating train-ride.
"But you return here daily?" Nagi asked.
"Well, yeah, but it's like uh… like coming home, I guess? I mean we just left for our summer break like… the 3rd, was it? So Shibuya's been my stomping ground since then."
"You lucky soul. The Metropolitan University's attempts at scheduling an 'early start for early minds' very nearly broke my enjoyment of my transition into higher education." The two exited the station into the ceaseless noise of the city.
"Pfft. That's whatcha get for choosing a uni that starts in July!" Fret jested.
"Oh, please. It wouldn't have been an issue if it weren't for the fact I was dragged into that ridiculous game three days after the commencing of my term!" She retorted. They were making their way across the crossing when Fret chimed up with a request.
"Wait, boss, mind if we swing round Spain Hill to get to Tower Records?"
"So long as we eventually reach our destination, very well." For a few minutes they walked through the noisy waves of people, Nagi explaining to him the informal rules of Efest, until their phones buzzed and the world seemed to quieten for a while.
_12:36_
Beat: can i trsut the dude
yes or no
Neku: Beat wrong chat
[The messages were
quickly unsent.]
Fret: ?
Neku: Beat's just been
trying to buy something
second-hand, I've bought
off the guy he's
talking to before
"Huh. Beat getting the wrong chat is surprisingly rare. Reminds me of the time you accidentally sent a picture of one of those spicy fanworks involving Tomo–" Fret piped up
"Mention that in my presence once more Lord Tosai and I shall make sure I advise you spend all your gems on a particularly bad roll." Nagi said this in such a deadpan tone it made Fret nearly flinch, but he wasn't deterred.
"Heh. That won't work on me anymore! I'm 'game literate' now." Fret said with a smug air of triumph surrounding him.
"Oh? Eheheheh. Very well, then what's the optimal team composition to run on mid-game Paradise Bastion runs with the most suboptimal modifiers enabled?" And there went that smug air of triumph.
"Kweh?"
"Hmph. 5 Tomonami of Eternal Radiance, 5 Tomonami (Reaper of the Pumpkin Patch), 5 Lord Tomonami, 5 Tenebris Appropinquat Tomonami, 5 Tom–"
"O-Oh my God, it's just Tomonami?!" Fret was unsure whether to laugh or cry.
"Indeed. In fact I had phrased the question in such a way that it would naturally–"
"Naturally?!"
"–lead you to that conclusion, yes." Nagi finished. There wasn't a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
" I… guess I have a lot to learn, O knowledgable Princess Nagi!" Once again another odd look at that nickname being dropped. "Nagirl. I meant Nagirl, right." They walked in silence for a bit, though Fret was unsure as to why, until another notification broke the tension between them.
"Bet you a thousand yen it's Beat sending his message to the wrong chat again."
_12:40_
Mother: Tosai are you
alright? :(
You keep not responding
to my messages
Fret quickly pocketed his phone with an annoyed sigh. Nagi gave him a confused look.
"Is something the matter?" Fret was about to respond when his phone buzzed again, a call this time. He was about to decline it, but the person on the other end was Neku, so he hurridly accepted, holding a finger up to Nagi's face.
"What? No, no – hang on, he's on. Hi, Fret." Neku began, quickly finishing whatever conversation he was having before.
"Hi, Neku? You got, like, a problem that needs sorting out or something?"
"Um, no actually. I– Sorry, what? Yeah, I gotcha," Neku's voice kept fading into the background and returning to the phone. A vaguely deep voice sounded out from the other end, though it was hard to hear what he was saying. "Are you near Centre Street right now?"
"Huh? Oh, wait, are you here? Like, can you see us?"
"…No, no, it's just… what? Oh, okay. Yeah, Mr. H here said he saw you two in the Scramble and was wondering if you wanted to–" Neku put the phone down for a second and a muted conversation occured, completely inaudible. Fret gave Nagi a confused look. "Sorry about that. He was just wondering where you were headed. Oh, I'm also wondering that. Not– Not just Mr. H." Either WildKat was experiencing rush hour or Neku was trying, and failing to rely information Hanekoma was delivering to him.
"Uh… TAITO Station. Like, the arcade. You know, near Tower Records!" Fret tried his best to sound chirpy in spite of his confusion.
"Oh, uh, right. Sorry, just… give me a minute." Another muffled conversation. It sounded pretty intense at points and Fret even switched to speakerphone at one point just to see what Nagi made of it. From how lost she looked even she couldn't understand what was going on.
"Sorry man, I'm back, I'm back. I was just wondering if maybe I could head down to join you but Mr. H says no, and I owe the boss man a lot."
"Oh… Well, maybe some other time?"
"Yeah, defintely. Whenever either of you are free, if you could tell her that."
"Will do. See ya, man." Fret went to hang up.
"Wait, I'm not finished." Neku said in a manner that was both quick and calm.
"Oh, what is it?"
"Well I was was just gonna ask, how're you doing?"
"Oh, what, like… me personally?" Fret could feel the wind get colder around his cheeks. That meant he was blushing slightly, or at least it did historically.
"Yeah? Shiki met you yesterday, told me you seemed a bit out of it. I care about you, I'm not just gonna overlook that." Fret felt his heartrate rise, but with it came shame. He'd experienced these feelings once before, in much the same way, but he never found much comfort in them.
"I… guess I'm doing as well as I can be. I have boss too, y'know? She's help – no, she's more than helpful." Fret lowered his voice so Nagi wouldn't hear. "She's awesome." Neku chuckled on the other end of the phone.
"Well, I'm not gonna interupt your conversation or whatever you may have been doing before I rung. Phone's not the best place for conversations like these, anyway – stop round here or just come to Shiki's place if you wanna talk to either me or Mr. H. He's got some pretty good advice to give, even if he is making me say that." A loud laugh from the other end of the line. "Have a good time, man."
"See you whenever, Neku." Fret said.
"See you, Fret." He hung up. Nagi had been watching the conversation with considerable intrigue and had probably figured out most of what was happening. Fret didn't feel upset over this, rather he saw it as a chance to talk about something that had been on his mind since Udagawa two days ago. But he would wait for Nagi to speak first.
A few minutes passed in silence – or what could pass as silence in Shibuya. Finally, Nagi spoke up.
"I don't mean to pry, Lord Tosai, truly I do not but…" She began, but Fret cut her off.
"Do I have 'feelings' for Neku? Yes, but it's more complicated than whatever you're thinking it is." He said, quickly getting the words out.
"Oh, that's, um…" Nagi looked hurt.
"Sorry, that was rude of me." Fret relaxed his shoulders, which had been tensed up since he'd recieved that text from his mother.
"Do you want to discuss it?" She asked. Fret turned and smiled weakly.
"Yeah. I don't really know where to begin though." The two turned the corner onto the cramped streets of Spain Hill. There was a promotion at a small clothing store, Mao's Fashion, so the entire area was crammed and the two quickly retreated under a storefront to wait out the crowds.
"That's perfectly understandable, Lord Tosai. Just simply state what's on your mind and I shall listen and, if possible, respond." Nagi looked up at him.
"Okay. Here goes, Nagirl. Strap in 'cause I haven't ever really told anyone this. Like, ever." Fret broke eye contact, still hit with feelings of shame. Even thinking about it caused him to feel stressed.
"I am honoured, it would seem." She said, trying to reassure him.
"So, um… When my friend… passed, I guess you could say I was going through a lot. My parents they weren't– they weren't in the best place. And my father, he would just spend the whole day just… avoiding home and it was… it was… I don't even know what it was. It just wasn't good." Fret breathed in and sighed. "Sorry if it sounds like I'm telling my whole life story, this is just… important if you wanna understand what I'm gonna say next." He looked down at Nagi before quickly looking away again.
"It's alright. I'll listen to whatever you see fit to say."
"Thanks. Right, so, I started going to Shibuya more those days. Met a few people, kept them… at arm's length," Fret cringed, worried he would be judged by her for that. "But mostly just walked around the damn place until I felt comfortable coming home. Sometimes I stayed out way too late. I… worried my mother a lot. At the time it felt like she didn't care, but she was clearly worried sick about me. I was the one that wasn't caring." Fret almost felt his phone begin to weigh his pocket down. Some things never change, he thought.
"Eventually we moved to Setagaya, into a smaller flat once everything was settled. Father moved to Okinawa, dude wanted nothing to do with us. Things, home things, they settled down for a while, I guess. But I still felt… just… awful." Fret felt his breath get shaky. Everything was starting to overwhelm him. Nagi noticed this and put a hand on his shoulder, as she did before. It grounded him and he felt his head clear. She nodded at him and the intent was clear – he could either drop this, if he wanted, or continue. A part of Fret felt like he owed her too much to dump all this on her, but another part knew she could handle it. She was willing to share his pain. It made him feel warm, a small spark of pleasure emerging from these grim memories.
"S-So," He said, catching his breath, "I moved schools. And I met Rindude there. He was the only guy that made an effort to talk to me. Don't get me wrong, everyone else was nice to me, I guess, but I was mostly talking to them and carrying on the conversation. I kinda felt obligated to talk back to him and even if I never really let him get, like, that close to me… I dunno, he just… seemed to be kind to me in a way no-one else there did or– or does, actually. And one time when he told me he– he cared what happened to me after I made a stupid joke about passing on… I had the hots for him for a while." Fret expected Nagi to look a least a bit shocked at this, but when he turned all he saw was her listening intently, not judging, simply absorbing the story he was telling.
"I mean, I knew for a while I liked guys and girls. But this wasn't… It wasn't… God, I don't even know what to call it." Fret stood there for a while to collect his thoughts. "I think the best way to describe it is… I was more attracted to the idea he cared about me, if that makes sense? Like, I loved the idea of being cared for by him more than I did… well, uh, him." Fret cleared his throat. He was aware this made him look like a total tool, like he placed value more on what people could give him than who they were to him. Would Nagi think he was just using her? Would she be disgusted by him now?
"And you believe this is happening with Neku? Because he's showing you signs he cares about you you're falling for him in a fake sense?" There was nothing but understanding in his voice. He felt his shoulders, yet again unaware they were tense, relax again.
"Yeah that's… that's about right." Nagi was about to say something, but Fret continued. "I'm just worried. Worried that things'll continue this way. That anyone who even claims to care about me I just start to feel this weird half-love towards. It's… uncomfortable."
"Well, how about you think of people you've felt more than just that way about?" Nagi asked him.
"That's… the thing. I'm not sure I've ever felt more than just that kind of way about anyone. I-I've even second guessed it with…" Fret stared up the steps of Spain Hill. It told Nagi all she needed to know in an instant.
"Matters of the heart are a fickle thing. You cannot be sure if this 'half-love' you describe is just your own warped perceptions of yourself, some form of denial and self-deprecation that prevents you from admitting your true feelings."
"Even if you're right, it doesn't change the fact I don't like the fact I just get a crush on anyone who says they wanna help me or that they care about me." He hung his head. "I was here to give something to Kanon. To help the world remember her, but… Maybe now it's not the best time."
"Lord Tosai… Would you allow me my opinion?" Nagi piped up after considering what to say next.
"Sure, go ahead. Getting sick of the sound of my own voice anyway."
"Lady Kanon… it is likely she did not love you in a romantic sense. I doubt you need me to inform you of that fact." Fret grimaced, but he knew it was true. He'd known it since the day they'd met. "But it is true she cared for you, at least. As do I and everyone else our close circle of friends. Yet, can you honestly say you share the feelings you had for Lady Kanon, or Lord Rindo, or Lord Neku when you talk about, say, myself or Lord Daisuke?" Fret thought about this for a moment.
"Beat? Nah, dude's cool but… nah."
"Then my theory is confirmed at least partially correct. If you were to ask me, I would say there is some semblance of romantic sentiment you display towards your compatriots that fades overtime – like a comet in orbit burning up. Should Lady Kanon not have… left this world, it is possible your feelings for her would have mellowed out, too."
Fret took all this in and mused on it for a while. What she said made sense, yes, but it didn't feel like it was the full picture. Fret felt like there was something missing from her explanation. He just didn't know what.
"I… guess you're right."
"You needn't agree with me one-hundred percent, Lord Tosai. Merely know that I am here to try and help you make sense of your own emotions. Even I do not understand everything about you. Least of all your… romantic sentiments. However!" The two left the storefront, as the crowds began to thin, "That does not mean attempts to do so should not be undertaken. Two heads, as they say, are better than one."
"You kinda just say everything I want to but better, y'know?" Fret laughed as they walked up the stairs.
"You mentioned you were here for Lady Kanon earlier, Lord Tosai. I assume that is why we are currently ascending these accursed steps?" Nagi scowled as they stepped over the urban-legend causing 'scorpion step', as the Twisters had come to call it much to her chagrin.
"Mm-hm! I normally get all depressed when I come here to think about her but I still wanna do this. And if I do end up…" He paused. "…yeah, then at least I have someone I trust to help me through it."
"It is my pleasure." Nagi perfomed a curtsy, but nearly ended up falling over the last step to the top of the hill.
"No, seriously I… sometimes wonder what I would do without you." With that last sentence, silence hung over the two for a while. Fret began to feel nervous, finding it hard to swallow as he always did on top of the hill. Beat had once mistaken it for altitude sickness. He found himself laughing internally at that thought and the nerves went away. He was here to honour Kanon's memory. She would hate to see him so upset and nervous to confront her. He shuddered, partly in anticipation, partly to psych himself up and approached the staircase around the side of PARCO.
Up there, though they hadn't ascended so high, Fret could swear the wind was more bitter than before. They leaned out over the balcony. A decent amount of the city could be seen from here – including the buildings near the Scramble and 104. It was as good a place as any to mark a grave.
"Lord Tosai?" Nagi spoke meekly. She could probably tell from the thousand-yard stare he was giving the skyline his mind wasn't in the best place. He wasn't here to bury the memories of Kanon – that would be impossible. So, too, would it feel too final to pretend that this would be his final visit to Spain Hill for the purpose of grieving. No, like Shoka yesterday, this was a way of honouring a memory. He reached into his bag and produced a necklace – A thin gold outline of a six-pointed star connected to a silver chain-link of small, constructed of small, intricately crafted rhombuses. Beneath the star, another chain connected similar links to a ruby, which shone dimly in the cold sun. It too had the shape of a rhombus – a lot of Kanon's jewellery did, after all. Fret held it in shaking hands.
"I asked Shiki to get it made. She went out of her way to do it herself." Fret swallowed hard. "I-I don't know how I can ever repay her." His voice trailed off near the end.
"Lady Misaki is not the sort to wish for recompense." Nagi stepped closer to Fret.
"I know. …I know." He unhooked the main chain and fastened it to the railing to his right. His fingers felt numb reattaching the clasp. He breathed in. He breathed in again. He clenched his teeth, feeling the pressure behind his eyes building.
"What if… some uncouth type were to take it? Or the city to remove it?" Nagi asked – it sounded cold but Fret suspected her true intentions were both to take his mind off of things and to ensure this object of clear personal value wouldn't be lost.
"I… don't think I'd care." He calmed himself. "I-I'm serious. Kanon was always more than how she looked anyway. If someone takes i-it, then I guess this memento gets a new owner. They wouldn't know what it means – not like anyone remembers her now, hah… haha…" Fret blinked back tears whilst Nagi moved closer to his side. "And if the city takes it down, it's not like it matters. They don't know what it is. It doesn't mean anything to them. She doesn't mean anything to anyone anymore. They all forgot about her." Besides them, the chain clattered in the wind, making sparkling clinks as it jostled against the stairway.
"I brought it here because I think… I think like the rest of us she loved this district." He began rhythmically clenching and unclenching his fists as his throat went dry. Beneath them it was only the sounds of traffic and people, the ever-awake crowds of Shibuya and the occasional revving engine that eclipsed there noise. Sounds of life. Up here, alone, there was nothing but themselves and the wind. "So now this memento can see it for her. Because… Because she can't… anymore… and she never will… again…!" With a last strained and quiet word, Fret's tears began to fall. Slowly at first, but when Nagi moved close, he grabbed hold, causing her to flinch before straightening up, and they fell like silent torrents, crashing down his cheeks.
"Why?! Why does it always happen this way?" Fret embraced her with shaking hands and she held on back. "It's always me…! Always the people… I c-care about…!" She made short shushing noises as she rubbed his back. He was pretty sure he heard his name – his real name – intermittently. Nearly choking through tears, he fell silent and simply let the moment wash over him. When the his tears finally subsided, it gave way to exhaustion. He pulled away and collapsed, sitting down against the railing and its barricade.
"Sorry, N-N-Nagi. I can usually keep it together b-better than that." He crossed his arms over his knees and buried his head in them.
"It's okay. You'll hear no judgement from me." By the sound of her voice, she had crouched down to his level.
"T-Thanks." He took heavy, laboured breaths and lifted his head up. "I th-think that when– when I'm ready, I'll come a-and take the necklace back. If it's not gone…"
"It won't be. Of that, I can be sure." The two sat in silence until the malaise in Fret's head had left and all that was left of his outburst were dry, slightly itchy patches down his cheeks. He pushed himself up with trembling arms and took one last deep breath in.
"I'm really, really sorry for grabbing you without warning back there." Fret said, as they began to descend the stairwell.
"Worry not. Truth be told, I usually waive my complaints of discomfort when a companion is suffering. Though… what I felt from you was far more than just mere 'suffering', I'm afraid." Nagi shrunk in a way that cast a shadow over her face.
"Lemme guess. You wanna talk about it some time?" Fret snickered.
"Verily."
"Well, you won't hear me complaining. But first, we've got an arcade to visit!" Fret gave a point of bravado, feeling energised now that he had gotten everything out of his system. The misery wasn't completely gone, but he knew Nagi knew that and wouldn't be one to point it out, at least not now.
"Are you sure you do not wish to return to your home or my dormitory?" Nagi furrowed her brow, starkly concerned.
"Nah. Going to the arcade today was an unspoken promise. I'm… not one to break promises." His tone went grave for a second.
"I shall be monitoring your physical state whilst we are in there, if I may forewarn you. And for the rest of the day, possibly week, for that matter." The shadow over her face from before was back.
"Forewarn away! I'm not exactly at the top of my game, but I'm sure I can still pull something out of my bag of tricks." Fret smiled at her and pulled out his phone.
_14:07_
Tosai: Hey mother
I'm fine
Don't worry
Just out with a friend :)
Headed to Tower Records
Sorry for not responding
Fret hit send and looked to Nagi. While he was typing she had started playing EleStra.
"Co-op dungeon time?" He smirked, showing her his phone which was now also booting up the game. "I'll warn you if we're about to bang into anyone."
"But of course." Fret grinned and, for just a brief moment, his regular heartbeat faltered.