Part 14: Smalltalk
Nagi fidgeted in her seat for a second, trying to get comfortable. Somehow, the seats on this train were even more stiff and uncomfortable than the last. Fret didn't seem to mind though – in fact, he was absent-mindedly staring out the window, waiting for the train to start. A low hum echoed throughout the carriage, as different groups of people all were eager to leave the city before the nightlife rush arrived. Nagi wondered if Fret was just avoiding the promise he'd made to talk earlier, but was certain he'd probably bring it up eventually, lest it weigh on his conscience for a long while. In the time they had sat there, mostly in silence, Nagi had checked the group chat (mostly dry, save for a few memes here and there), texted Lady Misaki about her day – Neku had probably told her about the visit to the arcade and she was curious to hear how it was – and finished a weekly EleStra quest. All this to say the train itself was not moving, much to the ire of some very bleary-eyed workers and anxious families, nor was a conversation with Fret. She wondered what he was thinking about – but since he was so intent on silence, it gave her time to think too. About that odd sensation of being watched earlier on, and how much anxiety it had stirred within her. She hadn't realised until touching her ticket to the electronic gate, but her hands were trembling slightly. Maybe she was finally completely cracking under the weight of all the exhaustion.
About five minutes later, the average time of an endgame dungeon floor, the train finally set off but Fret was not eager to talk much on matters still. She hazarded the guess that maybe he was thinking about just what to say – but she didn't really care how gentle he was with her emotions. She'd rather he'd just be honest. For the time being, squinting through the fading sun's rays being cast onto her phone screen and grinding for forging materials would be a good distraction from the silence that hung in the air despite the low conversation and thudding of the train against tracks. She hit auto-battle and sunk back in her seat, estimating an average of 3 minutes until she had to turn the function off and face the boss of this particular floor.
"Hey, Nagi, remember what I said earlier?" She immediately turned to face Fret, for it had seemed he had finally reached some form of understanding about what it is he wanted to say.
"You wished to talk to me, correct?" She responded in a tone that sounded unusually distant, which surprised her.
"Yeah… about what happened before, when you started… doing whatever it is you were doing."
"Truth be told, I am unsure if that is something that is a discussion even worth broaching." Nagi just hung her head. It would be the same as last night, undoubtedly, where the words would just not come out and all she would end up doing is fail to choke up sentences that would make her sound insane.
"Why? …'Cause you can't, or 'cause you won't?" Fret sounded disappointed.
"I am simply uncertain if you, or I, will glean any new insights from a conversation in which I feel words fail me." Nagi said.
"Well… what if it wasn't about the actual things themselves? What if it was about why they were happening?"
Nagi mused on this herself for a while as Fret looked expectantly onwards. Why were these dreams happening? She had certainly wondered about it before. At first, she thought it just bad luck – she would sleep, and they would come by chance, not by fate. Then she pondered if it were some supernatural phenomenon. Stranger things, as they say, have happened. But she quickly discarded that notion – she had participated in a (supposed to be) post-mortem death game, but the idea of some external force influencing her dreams was not only ridiculous but unproven. She couldn't think of a reason why it would happen. Which left a third option, that it was her. She was the reason the dreams were happening. Something internal, something deep-rooted, that had happened after the game… an epiphany of sorts that had brought this on. A reason to be mocked by a voice that did not exist, to fear death at the hands of a friend, and to be stared at by a grotesque figure with her eyes. She did not know what it all meant. She began to speak anyway.
"Tosai, do you remember that occasion on which Lord Rindo invited us to spend an evening at his abode?" Nagi had a vague semblance of where she was going with this, but it was a thread she had not chased before, a train of thought that even she did not know where exactly it would terminate.
"I mean, yeah? I try not to think about it too much, 'cause I'm pretty sure it gave me PTSD… more PTSD… but that was a nice night. Oh, did you know after he told me it was 'resilience training' 'cause Shoka wanted him to watch horror movies with her? …Wait, why are you asking me about this?" Fret quickly circled back around to the topic at hand.
"Well, for one, I share the sentiments that that night was something truly delightful, however I fear it is what occurred afterwards that goes some way to explaining my current predicament."
"How so?" Fret leaned forward, in an attempt to show he was interested in the conversation, but only ended up making himself go slightly flush for some reason.
"When I left that night to return to my dorm, I realised I felt something odd. Everything there felt so… empty. It had happened before with the Twisters – I wished to hear Beat's exasperated cries, or Lady Misaki's quiet laughter, or your voice… but I could not. It was absent, as soon as left. But this time, I felt it far more acutely. I do not know if it was because of the environment I was in with you two, as it was rather intimate, or if I had simply had enough. But it… hurt. Deeply." Nagi continued to hang her head.
"So… you were lonely? But, like, the kind of lonely that never feels like it'll ever get fixed, huh?" Fret spoke with understanding, as if he'd experienced the same thing. For years, he likely had.
"I suppose you could say that. That night, I returned and made myself a quick meal. I met some fellow people who occupied my accommodation – whom I would consider friends, mind you – but when I talked to them, everything seemed so hollow. So wrong." Fret didn't say anything. He just decided that letting her continue would be for the best. Nagi herself knew this too. This had been weighing on her for far too long.
"I didn't quite parse it at the time, but I suppose that was where a lot of this stemmed from. I pride myself on how I communicate with others but everyone still felt so distant. Like I never even truly understood them at all. And, with that thought in mind, I began to ponder many of my relationships in reality. The calls I make to my parents each night felt like they were perfunctory, a motion of life moreso than a meaningful way of reaching out to someone I loved." Nagi began to feel her eyes droop, even as she was conversing. This was draining her, talking about these things. She began to feel uncomfortable with herself, for she had always allowed others to speak freely in her presence, but now she was doing it herself it was nigh unbearable. She was unable to do herself what so many others felt comfortable doing with her. The more she thought on that, the more she realised the discomfort had probably been there a long time. Only now was the knot becoming undone.
"And the friends I had made… I feared that despite talking to them often, ensuring they were feeling alright, making them feel listened to I– I feared that all I was to them was a living set of therapist's questions." Nagi took a breath. She was beginning to feel sick. "Suddenly, everyone felt so distant. So… frigid and lifeless. I had devoted myself to the art of communication and all I had to show for it was a series of people who considered me less of a conversationalist and more of a doctor and… and EleStra. And I began to think what a…" Nagi's breath was shaky for the briefest of moments. "What a pathetic existence it all was…!" She balled her fists in anger, quickly collected herself and breathed. This string to which this thread was attached to was quickly unravelling and yet it was still so tangled. Fret had yet to speak his mind. Either he was too stunned or he was aware there was more to come.
"And then, one Monday, this one that passed, after a particularly brutal nightmare, I wondered if maybe I was as distant to everyone I had known as I thought I was. I began to fear I was. Looking into the mirror I saw all my relationships reduced to dust in my mind's eye, I saw all my efforts to change and to understand people diminished to nothingness! And… and I decided I couldn't face anyone. I told you all I wasn't to appear at our agreed meeting. I no longer felt like I belonged." Nagi breathed in hard and blinked the tears out of her eyes, stopping herself from breaking down completely.
"This goes a lot deeper than a small breakdown at an arcade machine, huh?" Fret said.
"Yes. Yes, I fear it does." Nagi responded.
"But that's alright, y'know? Sometimes it takes the little things to make us come to terms with stuff. Doesn't take the world ending or… or something passing on to change someone. And, for what it's worth, I think you already know that what you've been thinking is kinda out of touch with reality."
"I… suppose I do. But even then, it's impossible to shake the feeling."
"'Course it is. When you think otherwise, sometimes accepting that you're loved is the hardest thing in the universe." For a while after Fret spoke, there was silence. Just that familiar, low hum of the public around them and the train clacking along. Silence.
"I wish to continue explaining my position on these matters. It's exhausting, though. Is it always this way? I refer to you, of course." Nagi looked at Fret. Against the setting sun shining into the carriage, he looked almost divinely peaceful. She wondered if this serenity was what he saw on her face whenever he opened up about something. It was nice to be seen that way, by another.
"Sometimes. Gets easier the more you do it but the first time you ever open up like that, you feel like the world's gonna end. Like everyone's gonna leave and never come back. You kinda just wanna crawl off somewhere, lie down and not wake up. And that's not even talking about how you feel afterwards… yeah, it's bad. But it's worth it."
"Very well. I… shall continue, then, for I already know the worth of this. But all the same, that does not alleviate how alien it all feels whilst I do so."
"Don't worry too much. If it even means anything to you, I'm here." Fret gave the smallest of smiles, but it was enough to make Nagi feel as if she could continue.
"Erm… well, when I said that I could not face anyone, I suppose that was partially a lie. I felt like, just for a little while, I could face you." Fret went red at this last remark.
"I don't know what I'm expected to say to that."
"You needn't say anything. The fact you have heard it is more than enough." Silence again. Nagi thought about what to say next.
"I suppose this brings us to the crux of the matter. My night terrors." Nagi wondered if it was all for naught again. That the words would catch in her throat, leaving her dissatisfied and Fret ever-more worried.
"Hey, if these things are too painful to discuss, then it's fine. You can always tell me a different time." Fret said.
"No, I wish to attempt a discussion of them. Perhaps now things have changed." At first, she tried discussing the dream about the man who mocked her. Yet, there was still no luck. It felt like a barrier formed between her throat and mouth whenever she attempted to speak on it. She cursed her luck, but tried again. The dream in which she was a Reaper was next. This one was even worse. As she tried explaining it, the frustration in her voice rose and she could hear herself beginning to lose control.
"Why?! Why am I unable to…!" She had never felt so powerless before. Even though she quieted herself as to not cause a commotion amongst the passengers, the depths of her anger were disturbing Fret.
"I told you before, Nagi, you really don't need to say anything…"
"But– But I have to! I have to…! How is anyone meant to understand if I can't bring myself to…!" She felt a sudden hand on her wrist and the shock almost snapped her out of her anger.
"I… sorry, I know I didn't ask if it was alright. I didn't know where else to…" For a while, Fret and Nagi just stared at each other. It was an odd moment. Nagi didn't entirely know how to compute it and judging from the look in Fret's eyes neither did he.
"I'm going to attempt to explain this last dream, now. Apologies for… whatever that outburst was."
Fret slowly withdrew his grip. Nagi opened her mouth to speak. This time, the words flowed. She described everything in perfect detail, the fog-covered landscape and the being hunting them, the way they had arrived at its domain and how it had her eyes. By the end of it, it felt as if her hands would never stop shaking.
"So… you think this thing represents you, or what?" Fret's bluntness was almost comical. But she appreciated it nonetheless.
"In a way, I suppose it does." She sighed deeply. "I think I've been avoiding this last truth for… a long time."
"You can say it. No matter what it is, I'll listen, I swear." Fret had steel in his eyes – that same steel Nagi felt when someone came to her to talk, be it online or in person.
"I…" She struggled to find the words but soon enough, the string unravelled. "I know it's me. Because I dislike how I am, my appearance. Or… I thought I did. I truly though that was the extent of it. But now I realise that whenever I gazed into a mirror it wasn't simply just my appearance that I found revolting. It was… many things. So many things." Nagi felt her eyes begin to well up with tears again. She made no attempt to blink them back this time. "Tosai, I… I think I hate myself." They began to fall down her cheeks, catching the light of the sun's final rays. She sealed her shaking lips, which only did so much to hold back the occasional pained, quiet sob that escaped them. Fret simply brushed them away, understanding the necessity of falling tears sometimes, and waited for it end.
Nagi drew a few soft, gasping breaths before regaining her composure insofar as she would allow herself. "The fear of devoting myself t-to communication as an art form, only for it to mean nothing… the way I view my own self, body and soul… and that stifling, awful loneliness… it's so exhausting. It tires me out wholly. The kind of tired that sleep will not fix."
"It's alright. I've been there." Fret told her. "But it's like I said before. You're… not like me. You can recognise it's dumb to think this way. If you don't now, I'm sure you can eventually. 'Cause without you, I know me and the rest of the Twisters would be pretty lost. And… I'm sure everyone else you talk to would be just a little sad if they knew you thought this way."
"Yeah… I know. I know." She lifted her head, just slightly.
"I'm not gonna say this kinda stuff is easy to fix. You've… seen where this sorta stuff can lead, cause I've shown it to you. I really don't want that happening to you. But… at least you have people. And if you don't believe you do, or your brain tells you you don't, then you're wrong."
"Am I supposed to feel like this?" Nagi asked him.
"Like what?"
"This… guilty. It feels as if I've been fooling myself that everything has been fine for far too long."
"We all trick ourselves like that. When a moment of happiness came along, I told myself that since I could still feel happy everything was fine. Some days, when I told myself that, I'd come home and carve another scar into my chest. I deserved to feel happy. But I didn't deserve to fool myself into thinking that it was all alright because I could feel happy. It's the fact you've woken up to these things that sets us apart. 'Cause you understand other people. Which means, at least I think, that you can understand yourself." Fret looked away. Seeing her like this, when she was usually so confident, was clearly impacting on him. But she was glad he was choosing to listen.
"Um, Tosai? How do I address this… feeling? It doesn't feel right. Well, obviously, but's like… well, I'm not feeling it now, so…" Nagi tried to rationalise how she felt about herself, but nothing felt rational about it.
"Yeah, it's pretty confusing, huh? Kinda hits you when you least expect it. That's why you gotta make sure you have someone to reach out to. It's… It sucks to say, but it's inevitable it's gonna hit you again some time."
"…can I rely on you to be there when that time comes?" She looked at him expectantly.
"What kinda friend would I be if you couldn't? But… if I'm not there for whatever reason, then I'm sure the web of connections you've built, the people who you think are distant but totally aren't, by the way, would totally hear you out. They love you too, y'know?"
"I… they very well may, I suppose." Nagi faltered for a moment.
"You 'suppose'? Nah, they totally do! Just… just remember that, alright? That, now you realise that things can get bad, that you're hurting because of yourself… just realise that there are people out there that love you, okay? Maybe more than y-you understand." Fret smiled awkwardly, blushing. He probably wasn't used to giving out such sappy advice. But… Nagi admitted, it made her feel warm inside. She wouldn't have to face her problems alone, that was for certain.
"I-I'm gonna… boot up EleStra now." Fret rapidly pulled his phone out of his pocket and buried himself in it. She couldn't help but chuckle. Sometimes, just sometimes, he could really go beyond something special.