Chapter 8: Calm Heads Prevail
"What's wrong?" I asked Alice on our drive back to Forks.
She looked over to me with regret pouring heavily out of her. It was a feeling I had rarely experienced from her. Some of my frustration and irritation towards her during this past year that had crept into our connection melted.
It was still after many minutes that she spoke, despite me sending a small amount of comfort. "Victoria died because of me."
Sending her my confusion, I nevertheless vocalised, "How so?"
Sorrow blanketed the car, suffocating the space. "You told me that James showed interest in me at the baseball game. Because my visions didn't show any negative outcomes, I thought you were being your regular doomsday self. I shouldn't have dismissed your assessment so quickly. I didn't even get a vision of her finding Peter, and now she's dead."
Reaching out and holding her hand, I offered to her gently, "Victoria could have walked away from James and his games anytime, but she didn't. It cost her, but that's not on you. Your visions are based on decisions, which is limiting. You know this. The Cullens make decisions, because they live their lives that way, but creatures like James and Victoria are living in the moment based on instinct and their drives. Your visions won't help much."
She nodded and her bottom lip quivered. She took deep breaths in a very Carlisle trained way to calm her feelings.
"I hate not being able to protect the family like I'm used to. Between James' coven and the Quileutes, I haven't been much help. Sure, I could see that Laurent agreed to help James, but then nothing else. I could see flashes of James and Victoria killing humans, but nothing helpful. I didn't even see them joining the baseball game until the last second," she huffed sounding irritated, but her feelings were much more towards self-flagellation.
"That's why you keep insisting that we are safer with the Cullens, right? We all bring something to the table, each of us complimenting the others. We are stronger together. Isn't this what you keep telling me? If you want me to believe it, if you want me to risk my life based on it, then you have to also. You haven't trusted them with Bella and your visions of her," I stated, hoping to comfort her.
"I know that," she retorted like I had been scolding her.
Making my voice soft and tender, I refuted, "Ally Cat, you might listen to the others, but you don't place your life in their hands and trust them over your visions. Not that you should do that, but just don't lie to yourself. And you can't convince me to do something you won't yourself. I know why I choose to only trust in part. Do you?"
At barely a breath she confessed, "My visions were all I had for so long."
Hoping it comforted her, I offered, "We are similar creatures in that way. Nothing wrong with trusting yourself and your ability, but when it has limitations you might need to lean into others and trust that they will watch out for you. I get how uncomfortable and terrifying that is, but you're the one who asked Carlisle to mark you." After a long stretch of silence I shifted the conversation, as her emotions were calmer, "Are we telling the family about Bella yet?"
Her eyes were sad, but her feelings were possessive. "I'd rather not."
"I thought you were hoping to match Edward and Bella up?" I questioned conveying my confusion through tone.
"Edward firmly decided to avoid her and I promised to aid him keeping his distance from her, so that he wouldn't push into my thoughts. The possibilities of them being a couple have all disappeared. It's a future that won't come to be," she uttered, her tone discouraged.
Generally I would have disagreed with the assessment, but we were talking about Edward. Once he set his mind to something, budging it was near impossible. At the same time, there was something else there for Alice. Covertly searching her, just as I expected, her connection with Bella had grown with in possessiveness. It was slight, but present. Her trust in me had increased. Her feelings towards Edward had greater quantities of frustration and appreciation. I was enjoying how her connection to Edward had grown over the years, as had his to her. They had grown something beautiful between them.
The more I had gotten to know Bella, the more her potentially matching Edward was imaginable to me. I could easily her appreciating Edward's Edwardian upper-middle class manners, but maybe not so much when it came to his thinking and beliefs. These attributes were why, despite him being single, he kept to himself and acted as if he had little to no sexual urges. I often wondered, away from his ability, naturally, if he was more a-sexual like Alice, or if his values suppressed those urges in the same way he managed his bloodlust.
"It's going to come to light eventually," I told her, even though it was a statement she had heard from my mouth repeatedly.
Resigned, she nevertheless stated, "Just a little bit longer."
"Your call," I allowed, sending her my acceptance.
Smiling sadly, she offered her thanks.
Alice waited until everyone was home to request a meeting. She opened with, "I don't think James is going to let this go."
They looked at her surprised.
Looking down, she told them, "I got a short fuzzy vision of Victoria telling someone that James knew me when I was human, knew that I had visions back then, and that I was his one failure." Then, she looked over at Edward.
Edward stilled for a few moments. "At the game he did revisit memories of a girl in a hospital, but there was nothing that would have indicated you, sorry."
"And I already stated that James' emotions indicated that he had interest in Alice," I reminded them gruffly.
Esme's emotions shifted into guilt.
"What is that?" Edward asked, looking at Esme.
Esme looked at each of us and then at Carlisle, as if she was seeking forgiveness from him. "Over the last year every once in a while there is the barest hint of a vampire scent on our mail. I never said anything because it didn't seem important and it was so small that I couldn't really distinguish it."
Running through possibilities, I blurted out, "Like a vampire wearing gloves while looking through our mail at the post office or in the post truck."
Esme gasped and her guilt increased. She nodded and moved so that Carlisle could put his arm around her. He whispered sweet assurances into her ear while I sent her how the family was feeling, which was a mix of shock and sympathy.
When she looked up her eyes met mine and she smiled in gratitude.
Carlisle sighed. "We should run the area looking for any trails."
No one objected, so pairs were formed with Alice staying home to focus on the outcome of our searches. Edward and Rosalie took Neah Bay down south until the Quileute border and then eastward past Port Angeles and Sequim until the Sound, Carlisle and Emmett were searching the Olympic National Park and Forest, while Esme and I searched Forks.
In the forested parts of the city we ran side by side, but where there was housing we walked at the pace of a human stroll. The fact that most of the humans were sleeping made it easier to wade through the emotions looking for a vampire signature.
When we passed the Chief's home Esme uttered with the softest of breaths, "You and Alice have his daughter's scent on you when you come back from Seattle."
Slightly surprised, but mostly impressed, I sent her my curiosity.
"It's in the smallest of spaces, in the tiniest drops. At first it simply reminded me of something that I could not place. Eventually I made the connection, as it has enough of Charlie's tones for me to guess, especially with Alice's vision those years back. I was almost certain after Bella's Thanksgiving visit when the same scent was on Chief Swan's clothes. The events at the gas station only confirmed it. I'm guessing that Alice has classes with her at the University of Washington, since Charlie proudly told me Isabella attends there also."
She was radiating pride and a bit of smugness.
Keeping to the same quiet hushed volume, I asked, "Does Edward know?"
Her material love beamed from her. "I usually think about my work or garden when Edward is home. I learned a long time ago those things are easier for Edward than my musings over the family. Not to mention that he is already struggling in regards to Bella."
Sending her my relief and gratitude, I insisted, "Thus, why Alice's connection to Bella must remain hidden."
Esme contemplated this a while as her emotions shifted through discontent, disagreement, and acceptance until she eventually replied, "Secrets are a poison to relationships."
"After James' coven is dealt with," I promised knowing she was right. "One problem at a time."
"You must know that I don't keep things from Carlisle," she rebutted.
Instead of words, I sent her my pleading along with short bursts of Alice's feelings towards Bella.
"Alice's?" Esme confirmed.
Nodding the once, she then sighed in agreement. "After James, but if Carlisle asks, I will hide nothing."
It was a reasonable compromise on her part, so I sent her my appreciation and concord.
When everyone assembled a picture appeared to emerge. Laurent and Victoria's scents were in the towns while James' was the only one found at the borders. Between Esme's report regarding Forks and Rosalie's about the coastal towns, it seemed that Laurent and Victoria were gathering information about our family. Laurent's scent was more in the coastal towns and appeared to be in the shops most frequented by Esme, much to Carlisle's horror. Victoria's seemed to be anywhere our family had visited in Forks, but the most worrying was the post office and school. They were studying us, but what was James' endgame?
When I asked the question no one seemed to have answers.
"No shopping," Carlisle insisted. "I will tell people that Esme hurt her back and cannot be in a car. Esme, please call the shops and order what you would normally buy to not raise suspicions. Nothing can be done about the mail."
"I'll change anything I can to electronic," I told the family, "but there's only so much that I can do."
"And please be on alert," Carlisle requested. "They have managed to do all this while none of us have been the wiser."
Alice looked scolded and her emotions were contrite and embarrassed.
Sighing deeply, Carlisle continued, "As much as it loathes me to end a life, I have to agree with Jasper that this is enough evidence to show that they are only going to escalate. You have my permission to end them on sight, but please be careful."
Holding in my mirth, I wished Peter was here to see this moment. I doubted Carlisle himself would choose to take a life and Esme couldn't, but then again all those years as a nomad, maybe he had been forced to a time or two before. Nevertheless, his own recognition of the limits of diplomacy soothed me, allowing me to see how the family might appreciate my warrior skill sets. It was a foreign idea shaking me into the possibility that I had judged them wrong.
Emmett was exuberant, but everyone else looked solemn with fear coating the room.
Taking a risk to add my tactical knowledge to the conversation, I told them, "We should learn American Sign Language."
They looked at me baffled.
"We need a way to communicate to each other without giving away our position. Few vampires would know ASL, so it's also unlikely to give them information," I defended.
Carlisle looked at me as if he was seeing me clearly for the first time before he supported the idea, "Excellent suggestion. Objections?"
When no one offered any, it was agreed. Alice sent me fidelity, indicating that she would order what we needed to learn the language.
Later in the evening Edward asked me out for a hunt clearly wanting to talk, although I did find a deer.
"Carlisle has the kindest, gentlest, most honest, and most compassionate mind I know, but he is as much driven by the instinct to survive as the rest of us. He will do everything necessary to defend this family," Edward stated like we were in the middle of an argument.
Surprised momentarily at Edward's words, I then wondered, Even kill?
"He is loathed to do it, but does believe in self-defence. It is his last resort, but yes," he told me.
Why are you telling me this? I questioned.
"Because you're wrong," he declared. "The family disagrees philosophically with the Southern Wars, particularly in the unneeded lives lost, but we appreciate how you have been instrumental in seeing and stopping potential problems. No one would scorn you or look down on you for doing what you believe is necessary to defend the family. Esme might worry on your behalf and fret about you, but Carlisle would be grateful. He believes in the necessity of the Volturi and is glad that they keep the peace so that he can live his life as he does."
"May I?" I asked and then added, And what are your thoughts?
He nodded in permission, although his emotions declared him hesitant.
"There are terrible humans and when I drank their blood I was glad to have them removed from the planet. Unfortunately, there are horrible vampires just the same."
Without doubt, I agreed.
"For no other sake than Alice's, he needs to be ash," he voiced vehemently.
Knowing Edward's preference to hear my ability when searching him, I purposefully broadcasted them.
Anxious, despondent, earnestness, and aggravated, I determined at the top layer. And so I went through him finding nothing surprising. Keeping my mind focused on these elements, I simultaneously categorised his connections and their feelings. I would evaluate them another time.
Thank you for seeking me out, I told him while withdrawing my ability.
"Your welcome," he replied.
The rest of Alice's and my time in Forks transpired as if James' shadow wasn't hanging over us.
As Alice and I drove back to Seattle, I evaluated the possible implications of the feelings woven around Edward's connections, given his connection to Alice particular attention. It was the smallest change: some hope interwoven with his affection and appreciate for Alice. He didn't have as strong connections to Emmett, Rosalie, or me as he did Alice. No doubt it was related to how their abilities complimented one another. They functioned well as a team. Alice showed up in 1950 trusting Edward implicated, but it had taken Edward time to have the same amount of trust of her. I was glad he had someone in the family apart from Esme and Carlisle that he was deeply connected to and significantly trusted.
When we arrived in the city Alice made some reason to be with Bella, while I explained to Peter and Charlotte what the family had learned.
"We have to tell Bella something," Charlotte insisted.
Before I could even voice my objections a text from Alice arrived Meet you at Finn MacCool's in two hours.
"That girl is as irritating as she is helpful," Charlotte grumbled.
"She hold your balls, too?" Peter asked projecting disgust and disgruntledness.
Confused as to the strength of his reaction I began digging into his feelings.
It had been about nine months since leaving Maria when the emotions within me began building to a pitch that I could soon be a danger to Peter and Charlotte. I was disappointed, both at letting it sneak up on me, and for needing it at all. I had vainly hoped that being with less people and away from the negative atmosphere of Maria's camp would have made those needs non-existent, but clearly that had been incorrect. Letting Peter know without words my self-assessment, he acknowledged it with an almost equal amount of disappointment as I had felt.
First chance when Charlotte was far enough away that we could speak at a whisper, Peter looked at me seriously and promised, "I'll send Charlotte away for a few hours."
Sending him my regret and lamentations, he answered, "Clearly being away from the camp does you good. Nine months is a huge improvement over six to twelve weeks."
Frowning I revealed my hypothesis, "It must be the lust."
He frowned as well. "Can't do much about that."
"No, and I wouldn't want you to," I replied.
He sent me his worry. "You good to stay, even though?"
"Yeah," I agreed, "like you said it's better."
"I really want this to work, Major," he insisted. His tone had that note when he got something from his ability. "It's going to take some adjusting and learning, but there's very little that I wouldn't be willing to try at least once to ensure we can stay a coven."
"With a longer lifespan than we had in the camps we're bound to find a way," I assured him.
Clapping me on the back, he raised his voice, "Jasper and I are going to go get a meal and be men."
"Okay," she agreed. "Meet you at the apple tree where the river divided."
"We probably won't be there till sunup," he warned her.
"See you then," she agreed.
His concern and apprehension oozed from him.
"Something we should do about that?" I wondered.
He shook his head. "It's good. Means I care about her and want her safe. It's a nice feeling, even if it doesn't feel nice."
Smiling at his wisdom, I let him be. We went into town and found some youth beating on a younger guy while they yelled insulting slurs at him.
"We'll find something else," I told him.
After two hours we hadn't found any males making trouble. Then, we came across a scent that indicated a male in his late sixties nearing death. I looked at Peter sending him my enquiry. He sent back his agreement, even though it was interwoven with reluctance.
We killed them in their sleep and each drank one, as it ended up being a couple living alone. Then, moving to the other room Peter serviced me, and unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I hurt him. As it had been at the camp, the emotions swirling around me meant that no living creature was within fifty feet. As had always been the case with Peter, his emotions within me due to our physical contact were slight and gentle like whispers on the wind, while he had absorbed mine completely and in almost gladness without giving them back to me.
"We'll get the hang of it," he promised me, as we hunted for something else to quicken his healing, sending back to me acceptance and understanding to my repentance. Then after a moment, he sent his remorse and assured me, "I want you here. You and Charlotte together with no Maria is like my two worlds are colliding."
Sending him back my understanding, appreciation, and gratitude, I began to realise how much my presence was asking of Peter, and by extension Charlotte. Maybe this was, in part, the rivalry I had picked up from her. I vowed to myself to keep a close eye on their connection and if it began to fray, then I'd be a nomad for a bit. What they had was worth preserving, and I couldn't allow my presence to threaten that.
Fortunately, on the way we came across a guy drunker than a skunk, but still breathing. By the time we got to Charlotte other than a small new scar, there was no evidence. She seemed happy enough, and they spent some time together while I sat under the apple tree allowing the environment to relax me.
Peter seemed to have decided a schedule in his head, because next time at the eight month mark he and I set off just the two of us. As usual, his sixth sense was spot on, and we were able to travel together without it becoming a problem again. By the third time Charlotte had a strange stirring in her feelings like she wanted to ask a question, but was afraid and couldn't decide to speak or let it go.
The turmoil was unsettling for me, so after almost a week of it, I instructed her, "Out with it."
Her eyes darted back and forth between Peter and I. "There's something going on between you two, and if you want to keep me in the dark about it, that's okay. To be transparent, though, what's clear to me is that when you come back Jasper is calmer and sends out more peaceful vibes."
Peter dropped his head and tilted it in submission while sending me guilt. Charlotte mirrored his actions and became scared.
Trying to decide what to do, I checked their connection. As expected, there being secrets between them wasn't good for them, and Peter was only keeping them for my sake.
"Look at me Charlotte," I ordered. When her eyes met mine her fear increased. "When you swore your fidelity to me, I told you that Peter has helped me in ways that cannot be measured." Her awareness of where this conversation was going both soothed her and unnerved her. "The more you know, the greater danger you are in and are to me, if you were to be captured, the more information you would have to remain silent about. Yet, I can see that you not knowing is disturbing you, and thus your relationship to Peter. You must choose, Charlotte. I can tell you, but there's a price. No knowledge is free."
She looked at Peter for guidance.
"No," I told her. "You must choose for yourself."
Peter sent me his appreciation.
She took almost ten minutes. I was glad that she spent the time thinking through what she had observed, my warning, what she knew, and the cost she could calculate. It would be inaccurate, but it would be enough for her to find her measure.
The moment she had made her decision was obvious as her emotions settled and she looked me in the eye. "I vow that my life, Peter's life, and any quantity of my relatives you would determine to be a fair consequence would be forfeit if what I learn about you were to pass through my lips."
"So be it," I agreed, and then tacked on, "this is going to be unpleasant."
Peter sent me acceptance, willingness, gratefulness, and encouragement.
I quickly replied with an apology before sending Charlotte my cocktail of newborn terror and the feelings humans felt the moment they knew they had become my prey. Immediately, Charlotte moved into the posture of complete surrender.
Peter held his growl, even though his chest rumbled a bit, and I sent him trust and assurance, which calmed him immediately.
Then, I sent her sexual lust and as it began to fill her body sent it to Peter, and then took Peter's increasing lust and sent it to her. Instead of allowing it to pass through him, like he could, he clenched his fists letting me know that he was working on going along with my demonstration and not acting on it. Sending him my gratitude, so he knew I appreciated his willingness to be subjected, I continued for a few more rounds until Charlotte exploded into motion pouncing on him, taking them to the ground, tearing his clothes, her pants, and sliding his johnson into her in one movement.
Peter's emotions said that he was enjoying himself, but his body was stiff purposefully not reacting to her.
Right before she was about to climax I removed from her all her ecstasy and joy, replacing it with a tidal wave of worthlessness, hopelessness, and the sorrow Maria kept buried deep, deep inside of her.
Charlotte turned to her side and curled into a fetal position.
Through each round of the demonstration, I contemplated all the ways Peter had created for me to practice in camp, on the battlefield, and on humans meant for slaughter that kept the knowledge from Maria. Through his ideas and suffering, I was able to manage my ability instead of it tossing me around like a boat in a hurricane. To measure how he had altered how I functioned in the world was impossible. He was a master at subterfuge when he wanted to be.
Aware that I was pushing myself toward my limit, as we were planning on hunting in a few days, and not wanting to hurt Peter, I withdrew the feelings I had been sending out, and replaced them with the tranquillity I felt in nature alone after a release and feed.
"On your knees Charlotte," I instructed my volume soft, but my voice low in tenor.
She did so immediately.
Evaluating her, the impact of me using my ability on her seemed to have no lingered.
Looking at Charlotte, I told her, "Get up, and go retrieve a meal for me."
As soon as she was too far away to hear, I asked Peter, "Preferences?"
"Bottom," he answered.
I couldn't bear to consider the price Peter was paying for keeping Charlotte and I in his life. He said that he wanted it to work, and so I was willing to keep trying. Certainly he had suffered worse at my hand.
As I had expected, Charlotte knowing me in this way had changed how she viewed me, and thus her feelings towards me. She had tried to overcome them, and offering her body had been how she attempted to face her fear of my ability and move past it. But in the end, despite Peter's insistence, grief, and self-condemnation, leaving had been the best for each of us.
Peter raised his eyebrow at me, half challenging and half amused at me searching him, but said nothing, instead musing, "James might be more upset about losing his informant than the girl."
"Call in some favours?" I suggested, as a possibility.
Underneath his primary feelings were longing, a touch of envy, and fear, like he was afraid on my behalf. Below these was the contentment and satisfaction that was quintessentially Peter. He seemed to have a bottomless sense that things would work out. I immersed myself in this space and his eyes filled with a peaceful ease, and there was a pull on me as if he was gently requesting that I stay. It was an intimate embrace that no other person had been able to offer me. Despite all the fledglings my venom had created, none pulled on me like Peter.
Looking back, it was easier to see that neither of us had adjusted well when Charlotte entered our lives. Thus, this moment was even more gracious, as we were coming full circle. Delving deeper and finding the part of him connected to Charlotte, his eyes opened up just a little bit more, and for the first time he sent me his acceptance, and even more importantly there wasn't even a hint of reluctance or concern.
Submerging my ability into the feelings that made up their connection, I noted Peter's lustful wanting, affection, respect, trust, but most of all a blissful contented grounded warmth, similar to the way Esme cared about others, but richer somehow. Wanting to take it into my body, I touched his skin. Like a caressing gentle breeze with less than a feather touch, it was a delightful soothing feeling. Wanting to feel it more, I opened up myself, allowing it to flow into every facet and crevice of my being, as if it were touching the very essence of my personhood.
As if observing by body from a distant perspective, I watched as Charlotte moved her hand up to my cheek, pressed it, and then removed it as quickly. The prominent emotion that entered me was concern. Then, she stepped back. Respecting her need, I became present, withdrawing my ability, as well as my touch, from Peter. Holding tightly to my own body's sensations in order to separate myself from theirs that had entered me, I looked at Peter as if expecting an answer to my question.
He sent me peace and comfort, while nodding in confirmation. After a second he added, "Hopefully Alice will be able to see the decision and a description so we can know who to look out for."
"He'll make excuses to Laurent," I hypothesised.
"If he's a yellow bellied as it seems," Peter agreed.
"I'll make contingencies for Bella's change," I told them well aware that they were too attached to her to not have her become a vampire, and believing that I owed them something for what they had allowed me to experience.
In a low quiet voice with a tremble, suggesting that he was hesitant to mention it, Peter told me, "I have this hypothesis that Bella is supernatural catnip. She lives with a vampire, she practically shuns humans, even her own parents, and her childhood friends are shapeshifters. Then, there's the fact that her scent is scrumptious to all of us, but in different ways, even to Dushward who is the high and mighty claiming that human scents are below him. It's like all parts of her gravitate towards our world. While simultaneously being a siren of sorts and I'm worried that it won't take much longer before she pulls on James."
Even though the idea sounded preposterous, I sighed knowing to not doubt Peter on stuff like this, not to mention it eerily came close to my theory. "How long?"
"We'll be lucky if she makes it to twenty-one," he answered sadly.
"Better than dead," Charlotte refuted.
"Without doubt," Peter agreed, "but I'm not looking forward to raising a newborn."
Charlotte glared at him.
He raised his hands. "Just saying. I will for you, but that doesn't mean I'm looking forward to it."
She kissed his cheek in a rare sign of affection in front of me.
He looked like he wanted to scold her, but said nothing.
We strategized a bit before heading out to meet up with Alice. She already had a table and she appeared calm, but her emotions were apprehensive.
Bella looked at the four of us like she could intuit that something was off and kept looking at us expectedly.
Finally Alice broke the ice, "I have a stalker."
Bella gasped and we frowned at her lack of tact, but said nothing.
When Alice seemed to be saying nothing more, Charlotte spoke up. "It was a couple of years ago when Alice caught his attention, and we genuinely hoped he'd moved on, but it seems like he was biding his time instead, and we thought it best to warn you. He can be incredibly charming. Please don't ever put yourself in a situation where he can get you alone."
Bella bit on her lip and looked between Charlotte and Alice. "Why would that matter?"
With a voice full of regret Alice explained, "Because I'm afraid that he might take one of my friends to force me to meet up with him."
Bella gasped looking shocked at the idea.
Alice apologised.
"What are you sorry for?" Bella asked her confusion clear.
"For putting my friends at risk," Alice answered. "I'd never forgive myself is something happened to you, Bella."
Bella put her hand on top of Alice's like it was completely natural for a human to comfort a vampire.
I sent Peter my astonishment, since he was sitting next to me, and he replied with being impressed combined with acceptance and pride. She was a wonder, for sure, and very strange for a human.
"Is there anything I can do?" Bella asked Alice.
Alice's emotions were surprised and affectionate, but she portrayed sadness, "Just keep yourself safe."
"What does he look like?" Bella asked, sitting back in her seat a little, her feelings still swirling with the information she was absorbing.
Alice smiled sadly and had predicted this question, as she brought out a drawing from her messenger bag. "This is James," then bringing out another paper she added, "and this is his friend Laurent."
"If you see either of them, you text us straight away SOS and your location," Charlotte told her.
"Do you have a restraining order?" Bella enquired her cheeks a little pink with the embarrassment she felt probably.
Alice nodded in the affirmative, "but it won't do anything for you, and there would be no reason for the court to give you one."
After a few minutes Bella agreed.
"I've got to go," Peter informed everyone. Then keeping eye contact with Bella, adding his own natural vampiric persuasive power, he insisted, "Anytime. Charlotte would be devastated if something were to happen to you, and I hate her being upset."
It took almost a minute for her eyes to adjust back. "Okay, Peter," she uttered softly.
He walked out stiffly, and I told the table, "I should head out also." Looking at Bella, I told her, "Keep safe."
Her eyes watered a little and she nodded. It seemed like she didn't know how to handle others caring about her so much. I would mention something to Charlotte.
Over the next four weeks when I was close enough to Bella to read her, it seemed like she was gaining in accepting how Charlotte felt about her, and her self-image seemed to be improving. I was glad for Bella's sake, if none other.
Bella visited the Chief for Thanksgiving. All four of us sighed a great sense of relief when she returned to Seattle. Fortunately, the yoga had been doing her good and she was rarely bruised anymore. Thus, it was with great confusion that she returned with her hand hurt and in a brace.
According to Charlotte the only answer she got about it was "Pig-headed boys."
Not so accidentally running into Bella later in the week, I too asked about her hand. To me she said, "Ran into a brick head."
Chuckling at her answer, she relaxed some, and I increased what she was feeling. We walked out of the building together and I guided our steps to a seat that looked over the quad.
Turning to her, I told her, "It sounds like a guy wouldn't take no for an answer."
She became uncomfortable, so I very slowly removed it a bit and sent her trust. After a few minutes she was less tense.
Looking over to a tree, she stated, "I used to visit my dad in the summers when I was little. His best friend is Billy. Billy and his wife, who died in a car crash over five years ago, have three kids, two girls and a boy. The guy is Jake. He can be fun and funny, but he has a short temper. He's interested in me, and there might have been something there, but he's immature. Plus I'm unwilling to date anyone with a temper. So, he keeps asking for a date, and I keep saying no. Charlie and I went over to Billy's for Thanksgiving, and after Jake said there would be a bonfire. I went. Anyway, he pulled me in for a kiss. I tried to push against him, which was like moving a wall, and so I punched him. My hand got hurt and he's not even worse for wear."
Through the whole thing, I had given her honesty nudges, but otherwise just took note of how she was feeling. There seemed to be something unsaid that was bothering her.
Trying to figure out what might be causing her feelings of devastation, I took a shot in the dark, "What did your father do?"
She started crying while her feelings were hot with anger. "He laughed at me, and only took me to the hospital when I insisted."
"That part go okay?" I checked grateful Carlisle had been on the hunting trip with us.
"Yeah, some fresh out of school doctor told me there was no broken bones, braced it, told me that if my boyfriend was being difficult, that there were people who would listen, and then gave me a brochure with a number," she answered clearly uncomfortable by the end.
Mulling that over, I offered to her, "Sounds like the doctor was more compassionate than your father."
Her eyes teared up again, and she muttered, "I know." She took in a deep breath and then admitted, "I think Charlie is biased where the Blacks are concerned. He can't see the truth with them because of their history."
"Must be hard to accept that your father took this guy's word over yours, best friend's son or not," I voiced trying to offer her some comfort, even if it felt odd on my skin.
"Charlie is a cop, so generally he sees the world as it is, but not with his friends. With them he has huge blindspots," she uttered angrily.
"Nothing wrong with being loyal to friends," I countered.
Looking at me with ire, she refuted, "Being loyal doesn't mean being blind,"
"True," I agreed.
She sighed. "One of the reasons that I love Charlotte is that what you see is what you get. There's no mask, no masquerade, just raw her. If I ask a question, I get an answer. Sure, she keeps some things private, but that's different. I adore Alice, you know I do, but that girl always has an agenda. Also, she has this uncanny ability to say truth without being truthful or vulnerable. Sometimes I think her agenda is to make the world a happy place and that's the end of it, but other times I get this sense like she's living in a world only she can see. She doesn't share it, keeping me from completely letting go with her. So, even though they are different, I am loyal to them both, but I'm not blind." Then, she turned to me as if surprised that I had been sitting there, covered her mouth, and tried to apologise.
"Don't," I insisted. "Peter is a lucky guy, and there's nothing you said about Alice I don't know myself. It's like Alice can't be still and just be. It sets me on edge too."
She smiled nervously and built her courage. Eventually she got enough and asked, "Then why are you two still together?"
It was my turn to look surprised. For some reason the question completely took me aback. "I'm loyal also," I finally decided on an answer. "Alice helped me when I was in a rough place, and we fit together in many ways. Without doubt we're a good team and great friends. Despite all of her downsides, she has a heart of gold. I can't imagine life without her at this point."
The first decade of living with the Cullens had been like entering an alternative dimension. It wasn't just that they lived off animal blood, it was how they sat on expensive couches and crossed their legs like humans, or how Esme made cookies for the humans, shopped for human food, or how they often did things at a slow speed, like they were still humans.
About five years in, after one of our romps in the woods after feeding, I mentioned my observations to Alice.
She giggled and answered, "Try it."
It made no sense to act like an inferior species. Maria had made it clear that being superior was earned by being made into a vampire and then to make it through the newborn years. I had earned it a thousand times through a hundred years.
When I had questioned why so few made it past a year, Maria had answered while running her hand down my front, "Because few are truly worthy of immortality."
At the same time, I had come to understand that how Maria saw the world wasn't true. Was Carlisle's? Unsure, I decided to take Alice's suggestion. Copying the Cullens, I slowed my movements, my speech, and how I read. In some ways it was relaxing, but it irritated me. It was actually Edward that helped.
"Do you know Jasper that your mind is constantly assessing?" he asked one random day.
Raising an eyebrow at him with a slight warning growl, I indicated my challenge.
He sighed and looked sorrowful. "I'm not challenging you."
"Sounded like it," I refuted.
He smiled sadly. "Your mind reminds me of human men that have spent time on the front lines. They too are expecting to see the enemy behind every corner. They also are preparing for attack, even if none is imminent. They are planning and running scenarios. I don't believe that they even know that they're doing it. It's like they've been conditioned and they cannot turn it off."
Eying him speculatively, I waited for the blow he inevitably would give.
His eyes even sadder, he continued. "You and Alice are the same in that way. Neither of you knows how to truly relax. Maybe that is the gift of Carlisle being my sire. He was raised from an early age that rest is as important as work. He is curious and engages in the world, and yet purposefully spends time resting. He actively spends time allowing his mind and body to be still. Before Esme we would go into the woods, hunt, and then relax. His thoughts were so still and focused on what was around him that it was almost as if he had no thoughts at all. He told me that rest is crucial to being productive, and that finding stillness allows him to be singularly focused at work."
"Can you do that?" I wondered, since our abilities were similar in that there was no off switch.
He frowned, answering, "Not like Carlisle, not yet. My gift makes it hard, but that does not make the effort any less worthwhile."
"Thanks," I grunted unsure of whether his words were truly appreciated or not.
Over the next months I weighed the words and tried to determine if they had merit.
One day Alice looked at me seriously and stated emphatically, "Esme."
Taking a few seconds to catch up, I asked her, "Are you going to try it?"
She looked at me and then answered softly, "No, I'm not ready, but maybe one day."
Taking her into my arms, I comforted her, while telling her softly, "I'm good with that."
Stepping back, she smiled in encouragement. "She'll be gardening in eleven minutes."
Chuckling at how Alice was in the world, I nodded, and then waited for the sounds, which indicated that Esme had started working on her flowers.
"May I join you?" I asked Esme.
She looked at me critically and seemed to intuit what I needed. "Plant the seeds from this container every three inches one inch down for ten feet, then go to the next row, and repeat. Do these steps as slow as you can. Breathe in deeply until you feel your lungs completely full, then exhale until completely empty. If you can, match your task to your breathing." Then, she turned and moved off about fifty feet.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied, chuckling at myself at how different Esme gave orders than Maria.
She busied herself with whatever she was doing.
The first row was a procession of failures. It wasn't like her directions were that difficult, but everything in me protested. It was like I was waging a war inside of myself. By the middle of the second row I gotten closer to Esme and was being touched by her feelings. She was like a pool of water that was so still that it appeared to be glass, reflecting back to the world itself. Focusing my attention on her emotions as they washed over me, they were delightful and added to Esme's instructions about breathing.
There was no change in Esme with my proximity, but I nevertheless asked, "Am I bothering you?"
"No," she answered quietly. "You're fine."
"Let me know if you get uncomfortable, even if I can usually tell," I requested.
"Of course," she replied, and then shortly went back to what she was doing.
After a while, I wanted more than what she was emitting. As she had given me blanket permission to enter her, I didn't perceive the need to ask again. Using my coated probes, I emersed myself into her, seeking out the emotions she had been discharging. Once finding them, I surrounded myself with them, all while continuing to work. Although enjoyable, it still wasn't sufficient. These emotions seemed to have come from deeper within her. So, I used my ability to delve deeper into her world. It was bright and calm. It reminded me a little of the moments of stillness after a victory was cleaned up. Digging deeper, I found unsettled emotions. Withdrawing a little and back into the bright and calm world, it had the taste like anything was possible and all options could happen. There was no way to mark time. Eventually something within Esme altered and the space where I had been dwelling disappeared. Strangely it took me almost a second to recognise that I was in the garden helping Esme.
"Carlisle will be home soon, and I want to get cleaned up," she told me.
Nodding that I heard her, my body remained statuesque. The feeling had been incredible, and Edward had been correct. I did feel better in some ways, lighter, less burdened, if that was possible. It had the flavour of what Peter did to aid me. Just as quickly, my mind analysed how easily someone could have ended me when I was in that state. When I had been with Peter, a part of me had always been on guard. Not to mention that the few times I had gotten lost entirely in my abilities backlash before Peter's arrival I had returned to the present to discover nothing but surrounding me, as if I had been the centre of a tornado. This time, I had lost myself absolutely. Even though I liked the feelings, my self-preservation made it unlikely for me to try it again.
Later when Alice found me, she grabbed my hand, and we hunted and then enjoyed each other's bodies.
"I'll watch, so you can find the calm," she offered.
Examining her for any duplicity, I found none.
"What will you get out of it?" I questioned.
"Watching you find peace," she answered quietly. "When you find it, you'll spread it out, and then I will experience it."
A tit for tat, as it were. I could agree to that, even though it once more annoyed me that she had learned about my ability through her ability. On the plus side, her language had implied that her ability had already indicated my success, which fuelled me.
With Alice watching for any attack, I remembered what Esme's emotions had been like, and coupled that with the calmness I had found being in the wilderness alone when I had been a nomad. Holding the feeling tightly, it offered me another possible way to manage the side effects from my ability. Later, upon my analysis, I concluded that, despite its advantages, releasing with a vampire was still far more effective.
Bella nodded like my words had made sense to her, which was bizarre, because I didn't know if they made sense to me. Then under her breath she muttered, "Maybe one day I can be as lucky."