The image of Alice following the Cullens in her visions is my own. However, Jessica314 brought an example of my imagination to life in an amazing one shot Tale of Years: Prequel One-Shots and Outtakes: 1938: One Enchanted Evening. (I adore when she does that!)
Chapter 10: The Cost of War
It wasn't until finals were finished and we were driving back to Forks that Alice began talking to me about the terror she experienced when she had encountered James on the quad.
"He's a vile creature," I reminded her holding her hand, so I could more effectively communicate with my ability.
She nodded in agreement and took her time before she began speaking. "I was filled with terror standing in front of him. My reaction to him was not rational and nor based on who I am today. So, my only conclusion is that even though I don't remember, the feelings are from when I was human and came with me through the burning."
At her deepest levels her emotions contained terror, but most of the Cullens did, probably at the terror of burning. Thus, I hadn't given her terror any particular weight. What she was hypothesising made sense, given her ability, and thus likelihood that she would have seen her human death coming. With this in mind, I began searching through her feelings. As usual, under her determination and grief was terror. Instead of just noting it, I examined it more thoroughly. It seemed to be the kind that came from being hunted by a creature you couldn't possibly win against. It was the kind of terror that lived within me everyday in Maria's army, as there were always at least three humans in the corral.
Knowing that a vampire like James had hunted her as a human clarified so many aspects of Alice, particularly why she continued to engineer others around her. She might speak of the Volturi, and perhaps she had visions of them also, but it seemed clear to me that James was at the core of this part of her.
Considering this, I remarked, "You think he played games with you on purpose when you were human in order to terrorise you?"
She sighed heavily, "Or I had visions of what he planned do to me and they terrorised me."
Contemplating the likelihood of those options, they made sense and matched what my ability was picking up from her.
Reluctance and a touch of shame swirled in her as she voiced, "Do you have a way to remove the terror?"
"Theoretically yes. However, I've never done anything like what you're talking about." After a brief consideration, I added, "Generally, emotions don't change without a reason, so it would be more effective to exchange it for another feeling," I told her, "and for it to take hold, the new feeling would need to be true."
Twenty-eight minutes later, mostly spent with her in her visions, she checked, "And you'd rather do this away from the Cullens?"
"They fear me enough already," I answered.
Accepting my reasons, she questioned, "What would be your suggestions for possible replacements?"
Contentment would be an obvious answer, but Alice wasn't naturally content. It took me a few minutes analysing the possibilities before I answered, "Hope, anticipation, or excitement, in that order."
She smiled at me lovingly, her emotions affectionate. "You're a good man, and you've been good to me all these decades," she said with a hint of wistfulness. "I know I'm a challenge to be with, living in my visions and the future."
"My ability doesn't make me an easy man to be with," I rebutted.
"But we are good together," she said with a smile. "I know you know this already, but I have appreciated every day with you."
"I'm grateful for you as well," I replied with a smile of my own, while concerned about what her words might be indicating.
Checking her visions, she asked, "Can we stop and try before we get to Forks?"
"Sure," I agreed reluctantly. The emotions swimming in me were unpleasant, so I withdrew my touch, hoping doing so would remove the feelings, but it didn't. Examining myself, I had to conclude that I was afraid of losing her. In a round about way to convince her to change her mind, I warned her, "This might change our connection."
Her eyes went to the ceiling, as she probably was pulling on some memory. A few minutes later, she uttered with some reluctance in her tone, like she wasn't sure she was getting it right, "Connections are made up of feelings, so changing feelings changes connections."
"Something like that," I agreed, as my capacity to describe how my ability allowed me to experience connections was terrible, which didn't even get to the reality that I simply didn't like to talk about it. It was one of the many things Alice and I shared in common.
In so many moments words were inadequate, and it was only Peter's willingness to surrender himself to whatever thing I wanted to test with my ability, that had allowed me to begin to understand some of what it was capable of. I used the label empath, but Peter knew how insufficiently that articulated my faculty. Frankly, it was hard to get better at using it without a willing test subject, and Alice had never been willing before this moment, as she could never see the outcome. Her request spoke to her willingness to rid herself of the feeling.
"Will it change my feelings towards the family?" she asked, sounding worried.
"The same reasoning applies," I answered. "Especially, since your terror appears to be so fundamental to your emotional world, assuming that you brought it with you into this life from your human one. The more foundational an emotion the more ripple affects it will have."
"Change doesn't mean bad, Jasper," she stated like she was scolding me.
"Never said otherwise," I agreed.
"At mile marker 93 pull into the shoulder," Alice instructed. "There's a small stream about two miles in that should suit."
Following her instructions, we quickly found ourselves where she had indicated. Sitting down in our standard position for meditating, where we each crossed our legs and out knees touched, I stared at her and checked, "Are you sure June Bug? There are no take backs?"
"Take backs?" she teased trying to smile through her sadness. She closed her eyes for an extended period of time and then explained, "At the moment there's a fair chance that James will kill me. With this decision my death decreases immensely. I don't want things to change, either, Jay, but I choose to believe that change doesn't mean pain."
"Change is painful in itself," I rebutted.
"Perhaps," she allowed. "I cannot see clearly the fallout to the family or to us by making this decision."
"Then how can you see it helping you with James?" I wondered.
"It's a sense and a feeling more than a vision, like the foreboding and fear of death significantly decreases."
There was no better reasoning, as far as I could see.
"As the lady requests," I agreed, trying to keep my voice even.
Then, I closed my eyes in order to concentrate.
She stilled herself as if looking for the outcome, since I had firmly decided to do her bidding. Sensing her eyes upon me, I opened mine, gazing at the depth of her golden orbs.
As if reluctant to do so, she started speaking, "Jasper, I have loved you since I had my first vision of you. I waited for you, watching you almost die over and over because I believed in you; I believed in us. You talk about how my feelings infiltrate you, because of your ability. Well, your decisions have dictated mine since the moment of my awakening to this life. As I look into the future and try and count the cost of this decision, I can sense that you are correct. Doing this could generate paths that didn't exist before, but you have to know that my choice has always been you above everyone else."
Then her care, affection, appreciation, happiness, and a host of other emotions that made up how she felt for me was pushed at me, overwhelming me.
"I will do anything to ensure the safety and well-being of you and the family, even this," she pronounced. "Doing this not only increases my rate of survival, but everyone else's, as we are bound together. I love you too much to not choose this. Remember that."
Her words touched me deeply. Their tone also had a touch of a goodbye to them.
It was if she was confirming my fear that this procedure would change something between us, and it wrenched my heart. It felt as if someone had thrust their hand into my chest and was squeezing my heart into smithereens. In absolute clarity I could see how my past evaluations of Alice were a vain attempt to protect myself. I had thought her like Maria, but was she? Or was it that I had been afraid that she would become like Maria? Was I afraid that I had picked another woman like Maria?
For the first time, I didn't ask questions, I didn't demand explanations, I didn't insist on exploring her, instead I accepted her words completely, trusted that she had my best interests at heart, and would sacrifice herself for me. I gave her my future and our future completely without a hint of reservation. I had already given her my heart years ago, even if I hadn't been aware of doing so.
The lyrics from Rai Donner came to mind.
"You don't know what you've got until you lose it
You gave me you-your love but I abused it
And now I'm sorry for the things I didn't say
'Cause I know now I acted in a foolish way"
She was willing to do what it would take to ensure our survival. And so was I. Irrelevant of the cost, decreasing the likelihood of her death was a price I was willing to bear. Peter had been correct. I really was an idiot.
"You sure?" I checked.
She radiated grief and fear, but told me with strength, "Yes. It's our best chance."
She trusted me with her request. I would trust her that it was necessary. Our trust in one another in this way demonstrated how far we each had come and what we meant to each other. At the same time, it had a sense like it was a dollar short and a day late. Hopefully, I was wrong and reading too much into it.
"Still yourself," I instructed her and then did so myself.
Probing into her and finding the terror once more, I focused on it. Like a waterway, I followed it, discovering that in many places within her it was interwoven with tenderness, appreciation, happiness, sadness, anticipation, or a combination of those. Searching through her feelings more, I found her hope, and began drawing her terror into me, while replacing it with a duplication her hope, then in the places where it was interconnected with the other feelings like happiness, I increased the strength of those. Given how the emotions overlapped, it was impossible to remove every drop of terror. There were only fringes of terror left where it had merged with the other feelings, so that pulling on one would unravel it all. Thus, by the time I decided to stop no more was possible without altering Alice's emotional landscape into something unlike her. Withdrawing my probes from her innermost depths, I checked that the rest of her seemed to be about the same. Starting from her top layers into the deepest, it all seemed as similar as it could have been.
Removing the probes entirely from her, I opened my eyes and took in the details around me, allowing the atmosphere to soothe the terror that intellectually I knew wasn't mine, even though doing so didn't remove it from me.
A few minutes later Alice's eyes were upon me.
"How are you feeling June Bug?" I checked.
"More confident and assured," she answered.
It was inaccurate, but it was a good answer nonetheless.
She took in some deep breaths and seemed to come to some decisions.
Growling her words, her chest vibrating with determination, she told me, "We're going to remove the blight that is James from the world."
"Yes, ma'am," I agreed.
Nodding decisively, she stood up and started walking back to the car.
One problem solved, another twenty to face, I thought to myself.
Requesting that she drive, I spent the rest of the time with my hand on hers evaluating our connection from her end, since I could not use my ability to search it within myself. Removing her terror had reduced the intensity of her fervent need that had been usually directed towards me and the pulling sensation her connection often sent me to almost none.
It was a sad thought that she might have clung to me out of a human-borne terror, but given how my snapshot had come to her, it wasn't that surprising, as it only confirmed my suspicions. She had been a newborn, and ours might have fit my model for unparallelled connections, except we had been removed by time and space. Thus, the connection on my end had never had the same quantity of adulation hers did. On my end there I was grateful towards her, and my past caused me to reject the glorification that held her end, thus our connection was unlike the others.
If I had accepted the reverence like Carlisle, Rosalie, or Eleazar had, then probably Alice's and my connection would have looked like theirs, but I was almost repulsed by adoration having received it all my years with Maria tinged with terror, obedience, and often death.
In a way, I had been the newborns' God, bringing them into this world by Maria's command and then killing them by Maria's command. As a result, worship in any form was something that I could not accept, which was also another gift Peter gave me. Even as a newborn he seemed to see me as a person with a duty as an officer rather than in a God-like stature.
Whatever changes what we did would unfold. I wasn't afraid of them, in a fear way, but in an apprehension of the potential heartache they might bring. No matter what the future held, I would approach it as always, by creating contingency plans and adjusting myself as needed to survive.
As soon as my mind conjured the possibility of us parting ways, I chastised myself. My ability didn't give me an insight into her soul or spirit. It didn't tell me her decisions. And my assessments were coloured by my past. Her clinging to me didn't make the words she had uttered to me any less true nor the purity of how she felt towards me nor her willingness to change her inner world to keep me alive. We had come to trust each other with the essence of feelings and our futures. I didn't want my past to taint the beauty of that trust. It wasn't trust forged through fire like Peter and I. It was trust built over time in small ways.
Chastising myself, I actively worked at remembering her words and just being in the moment.
Alice had forewarned the family that we had news and needed a family meeting, so it was unsurprising that it was only a few hours after we arrived that the family was situated around the conference table.
She looked at each of them, her face fell, and she started, "I owe you all an apology. For better or worse I have been trying to keep everyone safe and happy, but that has meant keeping things secret."
They all stared at her. Hurt and disapproval swirled in the atmosphere.
She went on, "The Chief's daughter, Bella, is moving back to Forks upon my request, due to James approaching me when we were together travelling to the library after our class." The gasps and disbelief did not stop her words. "As an explanation, I told her that I have a stalker that has already killed two people, and that she would be safer with the Chief, as he's a cop, than staying on campus. She has reluctantly agreed. Peter and Charlotte are guarding her."
She waited thirty seconds before continuing, even though it did nothing to decrease the animosity being continuously added to the atmosphere. I could have sent out my calm, but didn't, as I believed that Alice had earned the family's ire. I might have gone along with her plan, but that didn't mean that the family didn't deserve their feelings.
"Randomly Victoria came across Peter in Seattle and he killed her. That leaves James and Laurent, as well as José. If we end James, that should be the end of it. Laurent won't move against us, and might even be grateful to get out from under James' thumb. José should crawl back under whatever hole he came from."
Rosalie's enraged voice fractured the space, "Since when?"
Alice appeared confused, while her feelings were in turmoil, no doubt, trying to get herself out of the situation without relationship fallout.
Rosalie's voice held all of her indignation, "How long have you been risking our family by playing buddy buddy with a human? School committees and group projects with random humans are one thing, but you saw this girl in a vision two and a half years ago, and just happen to have a lab with her? Don't spew your bullshit. How long, Alice?"
Alice appeared remorseful as she stated, "First quarter attending," but she held no remorse in her.
"A year and a half?" Rosalie accused.
"Yes," Alice relented, deepening her remorseful appearance.
"And you choose to go to the University of Washington to be near her?" Rosalie charged.
"I needed to understand why a human was in my visions," Alice defended.
"And we figured that out when Edward went apeshit over her scent in the January after," Rosalie fired back. "You could have left her alone and just waited. Your questions would have been answered. And all that doesn't say squat about you leaving her alone after your question was answered. One semester here and gone and she would have never been on James' radar." Rosalie shook her head angrily. "You've endangered her and our family to what? Satisfy your curiosity?"
"I made a friend and didn't want to lose that," Alice confessed and for the first time since she had begun speaking her emotions matched her words entirely.
Rosalie huffed.
Carlisle spoke up, his tone held a gentle reproach, "Alice none of us begrudge you wanting to be a member of the human world, but we don't get attached to them for a reason. The more friendly they become to us, the more likely it will be that they will note our strangeness and remember us for years in the future. It is a challenge for us all to contribute to human society without creating close bonds to the humans themselves. It is for their protection as well as our own. Forming friendships and losing them is difficult and one of the challenging parts of the way our family chooses to live our lives. Your desire is understandable, but it has put us all at risk, including Charlie's daughter."
Alice nodded contrite, looking like she agreed, but her stubborn streak made it more likely that she believed that Bella should be an exception.
Edward caught my eye and nodded his accord.
It had been about a week after Edward had accused me of using my ability in a way that was against the coven rules when he found me alone in the forest.
"Truce?" he asked.
"A war was never declared," I rebutted.
"Then, I apologise for entering your mind without your permission," he told me, sounding sincere and contrite. "I truly am just curious, and it is my usual way of learning about strangers."
Despite his words and the emotions in the air from his conversing, I didn't trust him. Thus far he had shown himself to be a spoiled brat who thought of himself before all others.
"Could have a chat," I offered.
"Well, yes, here I am," he stated as if that answered it all, but Edward was multilayered and complicated. His words and his feelings rarely matched.
Unsure of how to respond to such a statement, I said nothing going back to my mediation on what my senses were receiving from the environment.
After a few minutes he finally spoke once more, emitting curiosity and determination mixed together, probably indicating his true intention to seek me out, "How did you block me from your thoughts when you used your gift on Emmett and Carlisle?"
Irritated at his question, I ignored it and spoke to the crux of the issue, at least on my end, "I will not give away information without receiving some, and some topics are off limits."
"Did Alice teach you to block me before you arrived?" he asked, ignoring my statement.
Therefore, I ignored him going back to my meditation.
Eventually he grunted, "You are as stubborn as Alice."
"Do other vampires with abilities being in your playground upset you?" I enquired my tone mocking.
His emotions altered instantly from disgruntled to apologetic.
"I meant a truce, truly," he insisted. "I was an only child before Carlisle, so maybe the belief that only children don't play well with others holds true. I cannot say for sure. It is a challenge for me to have you and Alice in the house in a way that it is not when it comes to Rosalie and Emmett, because of my gift. Not only do I have two more voices in my head constantly, but then both Alice's gift and your routine assessments add another dimension. I don't intend to sound like a spoiled brat. Truly, I came here to try and make amends and find common ground between us."
Your mother make you? almost passed my lips, but I held back, although it probably was picked up through his ability.
Deciding what to do, I went with testing him. "If you are being sincere then permit me to use my ability on you, as I did with the others."
"It won't leave us?" he checked.
"Will my thoughts be spread to the four corners?" I retorted.
"Go ahead, then," he agreed, resignation being broadcast from him.
"Do you want to read it or not?" I asked.
He paused a good three minutes before replying, "Maybe not this time. I'd rather just experience it like the others."
Grateful for his answer, as it would allow me a more detailed analysis, I entered the mental layers my imagination had created to hide by ability from him. Wanting to make sure the experience was pleasant for him this time, I coated my probes with the emotions he experienced when he played the composition he had composed for Esme on the piano. As expected, he was a complex contradictory person who hid his own feelings from himself and at his deepest was unhappy. His connection with Carlisle was at the same level of emotion as Carlisle's to him had been. Upon leaving I left droplets of happiness.
For over an hour he just stayed saying nothing being still, almost like he was enraptured.
Finally at a soft murmur he offered, "I don't like being overshadowed or being shown up. I also seem to have a problem being vulnerable to others, at least according to Rosalie. That was like a live reminder of all that I could have, if only I was willing."
Curious that he wouldn't want connection, I attempted to purposefully broadcast my thought, How come?
"Like that, it's like you're shouting in my head. My limit is about two miles for most of the family, but nearly four if Carlisle is shouting," he told me, probably as a sign of good will.
"He is your sire."
"Yes, and it was just the two of us before Esme, so he was all that I had for a while," he offered. Then, unexpectedly, answered my question, "I think it has to do with the fact that my entire family and practically everyone I knew died or was close to death from the flu when Carlisle changed me."
Attempting to broadcast, but like it was a whisper I told him, Ask a question.
"You know it's amazing to me how Alice knew how to communicate with me via my gift almost straight away. I was miles away and heard her, then by the time I got to the house it was nearly the perfect volume. Emmett was terrible to get used to. If you think he is loud in life, try mentally. Alice is almost as perfect as Carlisle, then Esme. It's really incredible how attuned to me she is, even though we've just met." Then, taking in a breath his emotions changed and he asked, "What is the limit of your gift?"
Willing to be my Ginny Pig? I asked, raising the volume just a tad more.
"That's about good at this distance," he informed me and looked at me confused.
"Maria doesn't value abilities. She values fighters. She changed me because I was a military officer and I had experience in how to win battles. Peter was the first one to help me improve upon my ability. And unlike yours, mine could be disruptive. Emotions speak to the core of who we are, and for most vampires dictate how they behave. There is a risk that doing what you suggest could change my welcome," I tried to explain. Believing that was enough information, I questioned, "Can you tune it out?"
"Esme would adore living closer to town or even in one, and Carlisle used to before my arrival, but we don't because of me. Vampires come through more clearly, but I hear humans as well. Too many voices, too dense a population can be so loud and over extended periods of time become overwhelming to such a degree that it can distress me. It's hard to describe. So, I can, kind of. In the beginning Carlisle had me imagine it as a radio. I can tune down the volume until it's sort of like background noise, but I can't turn it off, even though I often wish that I could. I can tune into one voice like if you're listening to an orchestra and with focus can hear the violin above all else. In very dense human areas I learned how to turn down the volume as it were, but it takes concentration." Then, taking a minute, he asked, "How did you hide your gift from me?"
Explaining the imaginary world I created, he was impressed. "You should tell that to Rose. She hates that I can hear her. Any privacy you can afford her would be appreciated."
Tucking that bit of information away, I would later determine how to get what I wanted from Rosalie in exchange for helping her.
My next question was "Why haven't you declared you desire to leave Carlisle?"
He sighed. "I did for a season. For many reasons that seemed good at the time, I left and hunted humans, using my gift to determine if they were worthy of death. Eventually I couldn't stand who I had become anymore and returned. Carlisle is the very best person human or vampire I have ever encountered. He truly wishes no harm on any sentient being. Once we came across shapeshifters and he made a treaty with them." He chuckled. "Maybe there are others like Carlisle, perhaps Gandhi or the Buddha. His mind is logical and direct, while kind and caring and thoughtful. He's curious to a fault, but with no alternative agenda. He simply is curious for its own sake. He seeks no power, and offers a sanctuary from being a nomad. The animal blood doesn't taste great, but the hunt is fun and the life he offers is one of the best that can be achieved for our kind." He thought a bit and then asked, "Do you miss being a coven leader?"
"You mean, of Peter and Charlotte?" I clarified. After he nodded, I answered, refusing to contradict the error of his question, "I do miss them as individuals, but their relationship would have suffered if I had stayed, even though they both wanted me with them. I wish Peter could be here with me, but he would not be agreeable to Carlisle's rules."
"Of hunting humans?" Edward checked.
"Yes," I agreed, "and others. Try to imagine Emmett who was turned into a soldier. Then, imagine trying to tell him to live under Daddy's rules. That's close to Peter."
His emotions staggered at what I had painted, but he said nothing more about it, instead choosing to ask, "And you?"
"My sire held me by a short chain, whereas I gave Peter the freedom to be himself, as long as it didn't upset Maria," I tried to explain. "In comparison to Maria, Carlisle's rules are freedom to me."
"And you have us to help protect you against her if she ever showed up again," he retorted.
And here I thought you had got the hang of playing with the other kids, I snapped back. To emphasise the point I wanted to make I found a memory of Maria fighting in one of the first battles we had won and replayed it slowly. Then, I told him, "Your coven would need me to help protect you from Maria, not the other way around. But she is unlikely to look here, and that's helpful."
Having enough of Edward, I got up and ran back to the house looking for Alice.
Even though it was a frustrating and annoying conversation, I had learned a lot tactically, and even more valuably, I had learned more of how to use my ability to predict a creature like Edward. Hopefully, it would help me figure out Carlisle more, so that I could find a reliable pattern while keeping my distance. Even if Alice had already thrown her fate in with him, I was far from trusting him.
Rosalie was still incised, but thus far had restrained herself to only glaring at Alice.
Carlisle questioned, "When is she moving?"
"In a few days," was Alice's quick reply.
"And Peter and Charlotte?" Carlisle enquired looking at me.
"They will trail her the whole way, guard her while she's here, and will hunt in Seattle. Alice and I guard her when they cannot," I stated.
"And James?" Carlisle asked, looking at Alice.
"Nothing helpful yet," she answered.
Sensing that she wasn't going to say anything more, I added, "Victoria told Peter that James knew Alice from when she was human. It seems that James is aware of Alice's ability in some way and using that knowledge to our disadvantage."
Even though Alice had hinted at this already, it seemed to need reminding.
Carlisle frowned, and then after a minute he concluded, "We shall have to increase our patrols."
"Perhaps a smaller area," I offered, well aware of the challenges inherent in what he was describing.
"What are you thinking?" Carlisle wondered.
"Five mile circle around Forks, with the exception of where it butts against Quileute land," I suggested. When Carlisle said nothing more, I added, "And patrolling in groups of three minimum either constant or random." Holding Carlisle's eyes, I stated emphatically, "Holding an area is significantly more difficult that invading one."
Carlisle closed his eyes and his face fell. Eventually he muttered, "Well, yes, that stands to reason."
Peter and Charlotte will not hesitate to tear you apart if you get near Bella, I informed Edward.
He nodded in acknowledgement, and fortunately his emotions indicated fear.
I just hoped it would be enough to keep him away from her. Him pursuing his singer was a problem I didn't want to add to our growing long list.
Rosalie looked at Alice irately, "How long have Peter and Charlotte been guarding Bella?"
Alice's appearance was even, but her emotions were worry and fear. "Seattle's dangerous," she answered.
"Answer the goddamn question, Alice," Rosalie fumed.
Esme looked like she was going to correct Rosalie for language and then changed her mind.
Alice's eyes looked at the table. She reluctantly confessed, "A year in Phoenix."
I was surprised that she admitted as much. My guess was that every other option of what she could tell Rosalie had a worse outcome than these words.
Rosalie's eyes bugged out and between her teeth she sputtered, "You have had Jasper's friends stalk her and potentially attract others to her a year before she moved to Seattle. What is wrong with you?"
Alice presented herself as contrite, even though I knew her not to be.
"Alice, your choices, albeit well meaning are contrary to how we function as a family. You took away our ability to consent, voice an opinion, or offer alternative options. This is unacceptable. Nevertheless, what's done is done," Carlisle stated. "We need to work as a family to address the issue at hand."
Rosalie huffed, but said nothing more.
In the end, the family voted for random patrols and then the first few groups were decided.
As we went to leave the table, Carlisle told Alice to go to his office. Knowing him, she'd get a lecture and her spending cut off for a few months. It was a good thing Maria wasn't her Coven Master.
Once more I had a sense of being more settled in my skin. I had been able to use parts of my skill sets from my time with Maria, but it was for protection, rather than destruction. It was pleasant. Unfortunately between using my ability to help Alice and the strength of the family's emotions for the meeting, I needed to ground myself, and so went for a hunt, sat in meditation, and decided to ask Alice for sex.
She eventually found me, but she didn't seem as enthusiastic as usual. All the same, she consented. Even this slight change in her tore at me and caused me to question if my concern for our demise was coming.
Over the next three months James made no advances except for a few deaths. They were staged to look like animal kills in our declared land, but not within the area we were patrolling. My assessment was that he was testing us, and trying to draw out Alice.
Edward had woken up from his melancholy and spent most of his time patrolling with whomever was planned to go. There was the possibility that his volunteering was his way of keeping his mind distracted from finding ways to savour Bella. Or maybe this threat gave him purpose. Either or both reasons were good for me. It was wonderful to watch him come alive, and I had to wonder if I was finally seeing the young man Carlisle had saved. He was certainly someone who would appeal to the opposite sex, Alice and Bella included.
A few times Edward had heard José or Laurent's thoughts, but each time when their trail had been found, he hadn't pursued it. They weren't critical, and each encounter meant he could hear them better in the future. The good bit of information these times offered us was that James was pushing them hard to find a leverage to be wielded against us. The fact that they were hard pressed to find an advantage over us was good news. Once Laurent got a mile from the Chief's home, but Peter knew better than to be drawn away from his assignment.
About six weeks after Alice's confrontation with the family, she and I were enjoying some alone time.
"How are you Alice?" I asked her as we sat together, my arms wrapped around her.
Between a hunt and some sex, which she seemed appreciative of, while also even less lustful for, our feelings were both fairly content, but she knew that was not what I meant.
"Do you think Carlisle was right?" she asked, as a form of reply.
"About which part?" I questioned, unsure as to where her mind had gone.
"That I took away the family's consent?" she clarified.
"Yes, June bug," I answered. "Anytime you hide things and decide what's best for everyone else, including Bella starting from when she came to you in the new family portrait."
"But they mess it up," she sighed. "I looked to see what would happen if I had told them, and Rosalie would have made a big fuss about avoiding her, the family would have likely agreed, and it would have never come true."
"And taking away Rosalie's right to object is better?" I checked.
She stilled for a while. When she broke the silence she told me, "I couldn't chance it. Bella is too important."
"Then, you have to live with the consequences," I stated.
"I don't like her being upset with me," she whined.
"And she resents you," I added. "A lack of consent is a big deal for Rosalie. The way you handled it has a touch of betrayal in it for her. You've lost her trust."
"Bella's worth it," she rebutted.
"Must be," I agreed, unwilling to argue. "But there were so many other options. You could have spoken to Carlisle about it directly and got him on board, so that he could have helped explain it to Rosalie. You could get better at explaining your visions and the critical need of the choices you're making on our behalf."
"You're saying it's my fault," she retorted, "but you went along."
"Sure, I did," I agreed, which seemed to deflate most of her emotions of anger. "And I'll pay the cost of doing so. Every decision has emotional costs, June bug. You see the outcomes of decisions, and think that you have the whole story, but you don't. This is why I'm always digging into the emotions of your visions. I'm trying to attain the emotional fallout."
"She's worth it," Alice mumbled.
"You've said that over and over again, and I believe you. Can you tell me how come?"
Alice stilled and seemed lost inside herself for a long time before she spoke. "I do not know for sure. It's a sense. In my visions I've experienced the terror of the Volturi finding me."
Knowing this, as it was a conversation early in our years together, I nodded for her to continue.
"When Bella was added to the family portrait, even though I didn't know it was her yet, there was a feeling of protection, like with her in our family we would be safe from harm. She has to be a member of our family."
"Is your care and desire for her due to that protection or her as a person?" I wondered.
"Both?" she replied and then added, "Maybe I fell in love with the idea of her before I met her, but I have grown to love her in her own right. She is caring and kind. She accepts me as I am. She's a good friend."
Bella was an amazing person, made even more so for being human hanging with vampires without blinking. Alice was correct on all accounts.
"The same must be true, then, of me and of the Cullens," I pointed out after a minute.
She snuggled even further into my chest, took in a deep gulp of my scent, and in a sad small voice told me, "All those decades alone, I waited with only you and them in my mind as company. The terror I experienced over and over as you nearly died was horrible. I needed you to live, but I couldn't help you get there. You had to do so on your own. In my mind I was a Cullen long before it became a reality, because I watched them live their lives. They would decide something and then do it. It gave me hope in a dark time in my life, and Bella has done the same, but in a different way."
"And with that terror removed from you?" I wondered.
"I don't know how to live life without you, Jay. You have been a part of me since my awakening. You were my destiny and then the Cullens."
"I always imagined that you saw me as your protector," I confessed. "That your mind conjured me and led you in my direction because you knew, assuming I survived, that you'd have no better champion than me."
Sadness radiated from her, seeping into me.
"Maybe that's true, Jay," she conceded with hesitancy, "but that doesn't change how invested in you I am or how much I care about you. Not every beneficial loving relationship has to look like you and Peter. Maybe those are the things that attracted me to you, but they're not what has held us together over these years, nor created the relationship we have presently. Them being the fuel to bring us together doesn't form what we have presently. The us we have today is from the work we've put in between then and now."
"How would I know, since you've decided for us?" I countered. "Our relationship didn't develop organically. You decided the outcome you wanted and led us there."
"Peter did the same to you," she retorted in a sad disheartened tone.
She had a point. Their abilities were not the same, so Peter didn't do so as actively as Alice, but his ability had been what had allowed the foundational elements of our relationship to build beyond our camp roles. What did that say about me?
"Are you saying that the universe specially made you for me?" I asked in a playful teasing tone.
Immediately her sadness was no longer the feeling being emitted, and she teased back, "Why not you were specially made for me?"
"Touché," I agreed with a smile. Then, after a long pause, I pointed out, "You're feelings towards me have changed."
"Yeah," she agreed, reluctant to do so.
"It's okay, June bug," I comforted her. "You matter greatly to me. I want you in my life till I'm ash. You've given me a world I could have never imagined. As long as you are good, I will be too."
"I would say the same," she agreed.
"With your feelings changing towards me, are you going to pick Edward this time?" I questioned my hurt and jealousy bleeding out of me.
"It was never like that," she refuted.
"Seemed like it at the time," I countered.
She moved, so that her knees were on my legs. Placing her hands on my cheeks, ensuring that my ability captured all of her feelings, she told me with earnestness, "I have only pursued you, you damn fool."
"Bella?" I countered, teasingly.
"Okay," she relented, "and Bella."
"And Edward," I insisted.
She moved once more to sitting on my legs, only this time she placed her legs on top of me, as if I were a sofa.
"I did consider the possibility of pursuing Edward briefly, you're right, but it's not the same," she argued. "It's like in human stories when someone is married and then they meet someone else and briefly imagine the possibility with that second person."
"Edward would never go for a threesome," I replied, sending her my mirth.
"Never," she agreed giggling.
"Edward and I have created something special between us," she admitted. "Something I cannot possibly share with anyone else, because of his ability."
"Your feelings for him are shifting," I told her.
"I'm sorry," she answered distraught.
"Don't be," I refuted, sending her my acceptance. "I warned you when you asked me to change your inner world. We both knew the potential price."
"It doesn't mean anything," she rejoined. "I choose you. The future of us is not changing."
"Good to know, June bug," I replied, wrapping her up tightly.
Eventually, Maria hunted me down and found me with the Cullens in Calgary. Her presence, since she was trying to make a statement, attracted human attention, and thus put the Cullens at risk. Consequently, it resulted in them covering up her actions and then us leaving town, after the confrontation, putting me a little in their debt, which I tried to pay back by learning more about how to forge documents and to keep them hidden from unwanted enquiries.
Fortunately, Maria had the good sense to know when to retreat. She would try again; it was against her nature to give up, but one good thing came of it. I formally declared leaving her coven with witnesses, which required her to acknowledge my statement. Also, I was able to get her to confirm that Charlotte had been slated to die, so by default relinquished her claim on Charlotte as being a member of her coven. Peter, Charlotte, and I were, officially, according to the Volturi rules anyway, no longer members of Maria's coven. Needless to say, she left annoyed.
Afterwards, Rosalie and Esme were particularly concerned that my freedom from Maria might mean that I would split my time between Peter and Charlotte and them, but as much as I missed them, it was worth staying with the Cullens.
Edward changed how he treated me, which probably meant that he had seen more about my relationship with Maria than Alice ever had. It was upsetting, and I didn't completely trust him to keep it to himself, but there was nothing I could do about it.
Wanting to update Peter, I had put the advertisement up in the newspapers along with the quote from John Milton ""Give me the liberty to know, to utter, and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties." It took a week for Alice to let me know that they had decided to visit and another two days before they were at the territory line.
"Is it really true?" were Peter's first words.
"Would I lie?" I joked back.
Bringing me in tight, he uttered into my ear, "Congratulations my Master." Then, he sent me his profound relief.
Then, Charlotte came in and wrapped her arms around me laying her head on my chest. Sending me jubilation, longing, happiness, and expectation, she stayed in my arms so long that Peter came and surrounded her back with his chest and placed his forehead on mine.
Hours later the Cullen emotional signatures came into my range, "They are nearing," I warned them both.
Backing up, Peter's body tensed like it had already picked up the proximity of the Cullens and he told me, "We came to hear the story ourselves."
"We can have time later," I promised Charlotte.
She nodded in my chest before withdrawing and standing next to Peter.
As the Cullens came towards us, Carlisle stepped forward as usual, and greeted them, "It is good to see you again Peter and Charlotte. Please, come and enjoy our company."
Peter nodded at him and then uttered, "Lead the way."
At that they all turned and we ran back to the house.
"Esme set up something for your arrival," I told them, while sending them my apologies.
She had made a round space with chairs in her garden with a small stone floor. I couldn't bear to tell them how much work she had put into making this space, as she noticed that they didn't settle well inside the house.
"Enclosed spaces with too many strange smells along with a number of vampires in one location is too much for them," I had tried to explain.
This was her compromise. I hadn't had the heart to tell her that Peter wouldn't like the circle either, but it was better than inside.
When we came upon Esme's creation Peter took the chair closest to a tree and put Charlotte on his lap. I sat next to them, and Alice placed herself in the chair next to me. Emmett did most of the telling with Edward or Rosalie correcting him the most.
By the end Peter and Charlotte had huge grins and were radiating relief, joy, and gratitude.
"How long in this location?" Peter asked when Emmett ran out of things to say.
"Ten year, maximum," I told him, indicating that we had just arrived.
The Cullens enquired about what they had been doing, and Charlotte indulged them by telling some stories of their travels.
"We're thinking of swimming Florida to South American, in order to bypass Mexico entirely," Charlotte told us when the conversation began to lull.
This, of course, led to Rosalie and Emmett telling stories about their time down there, and Carlisle and Esme offering them the use of their island.
It wasn't too long afterward that the Cullens, along with Alice, all found someplace they needed to be, leaving the three of us complete privacy, unless Edward chose to hang out nearby. I couldn't sense him, but his range was greater than mine.
"An island?" Charlotte gasped. "Are these people for real?"
"It was an anniversary present, evidently," I explained, shrugging.
"An anniversary present," she repeated like the words could not possibly make sense.
"How was it really?" Peter asked seriously.
"The pull was there," I told him truthfully. "It is almost as if we are hardwired to stay with our sires, but I lived too many years with her to give into it."
"How small is her territory?" he asked.
"Almost the size of when it was only her, Nettie, and Lucy, I'd guess by the way she spoke, but of course she didn't say out right," I told them.
He said nothing for a few minutes and his longing was clear.
Sending him my affection and assurance, I said, "I miss you guys too, but I'm content here. The nomad life isn't for me. I'm reading, studying, and learning."
"You were always into the books," Peter teased.
Charlotte was curious and looked at me with permission.
I nodded for her to go ahead.
"Were the barracks always separate?" she asked.
Frowning at the memory of how that came to be, I answered, "No. I convinced Maria that raped women made terrible soldiers."
"Oh," was her reply. "Then, I'm grateful that if I was meant to become a soldier in the southern wars that it was in your army. I learned to read, write, do maths, and was treated like an equal. Peter told me that no one other than you and him lived passed a year, but even if it was only for a year, it was a gift."
Unsure of how to respond, I retorted, "Yes, that was why everyone was terrified of me."
"We were babies," she teased back, "Of course we were scared of you. Not including the vibes you used to give off then."
"Yeah, I did," I agreed, letting it go.
"You doing okay otherwise?" Peter asked.
"Alice takes care of me fine enough," I answered knowing what he was worried about.
He frowned, but said nothing.
Then, I updated them on the things that had been happening since their last visit, including my advancements with my ability.
"They are foolish and too trusting," Peter uttered, shaking his head.
"They only know peace," I reminded him.
"Shall you show me what you've learned?" he asked me.
Turning to Charlotte, I checked, "Can you trust me? We can be quite brutal with each other when we train."
"I remember," she said in a quiet voice.
Peter smiled in anticipation.
"Not near the house," I warned him, and then told him, "I know of a clearing."
As soon as we arrived we started fighting, and just like in the first decade with Peter, I practiced what I had learned from the Cullens for battle purposes.
"You've been practicing," I commended him, even though his legs, arms, wrists, and ankles were torn.
"With Charlotte, as I want her to be able to defend herself," he explained. "What you did wasn't as effective as a weapon comparatively. Probably excellent for spying and more wet work, though," he reported.
"Bambi?" I offered.
"The things I do for you," he whined.
Turning to Charlotte, I commended her, "You did a great job remaining calm, so I could concentrate. I imagine it was difficult to maintain. You doing so demonstrates how much you trust me. It means a lot."
"You're welcome, sir," she replied her voice soft, while she admitted pride and relief.
We found blood and he began healing.
He sent me a cocktail that practically begged me to allow him to service me. Willing to abide by his request, I caught his eyes; I then looked over at Charlotte, while sending him my willingness and appreciation.
"You want to stay, babe?" he asked her.
"Yes, please," she requested looking at me.
"Keep watch over there," I told her and pointed to a tree.
"Thank you, sir," she told me.
James coming into our lives was unfortunate, but at least Charlotte and Peter returning to my life balanced it. My time with them had been reparative.
Charlotte and Bella spent time together when the Chief was out, and she reported that Bella was growing sick of the town. By the time the summer approached it was clear that we needed Bella to stay in Forks for another semester. She grumbled strongly against it, but signed up for online classes.
The first real break in our impasse with James came in late June. The Quileutes found Laurent right outside of our patrols near a beach where the local kids would go. He had fled up into the trees. Jacob, the Beta, upon our agreement, texted me with their location, although if they could have killed Laurent straight out, I doubted the message would have come, which was lucky for us, as we needed more intelligence on James' plans. Taking Edward and Emmett, and leaving the girls to guard each other, particularly Alice, while informing Carlisle of the situation via text, since he was working, we ran towards the Quileute stink.
While running, I made decisions of possible ways of interrogating him. Shortly after I could not think of any other options, Alice texted back Last one. I was afraid that would be her answer. Hopefully she had counted the cost, because the fallout could be tremendous.