Yarn Of Time

Omake Series of Canon Patchworking with Uchiha Ren series

How to: win a magical war without even really trying.

I just- I blame PlunnyBreeder and us talking on tumblr. I guess everybody has their own evil mastermind working on the sidelines, yeah? Nevertheless, I have no idea how this thing had happened, and, uh. Yeah. I literally wrote this at 1AM when I was supposed to be sleeping.

I plan on more Harry Potter crossovers, but none so stupid as this... Whatever this is.

Also I headcanon Oro as being of the 'fuck-the-gender' policy, just writing Oro as 'he' because I'm stupid and need to actually think about pronouns next time.

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It starts with a bitch slap.

Well, actually, first there are two local idiots, Kakashi and Obito, fucking around with the Kamui. Of course, things inevitably goes wrong and someone gets misplaced.

Nevertheless, aside from that detail, it really does start with a bitch slap. Ren honestly had never thought Orochimaru would ever actually slap someone across the face, but there's a first time for everything. However, keeping in mind that the person that now has a reddening imprint of Orochimaru's slender palm on their cheek is, in fact, Voldemort, interrupted in the middle of his gloating during the Battle of Hogwarts, and now very much stunned, along with everybody else-

Well.

Ren is pretty sure she is going to murder the morons when they finally deign to get them back. And they will, of course, otherwise Sasuke would sic Sakura and Hana on them, and those two angry and determined to make your life miserable is not something Ren would wish on anyone, not even Danzo… Well, maybe Danzo. But he deserves all the bad things the world can through at him anyway, so, yeah. But she wouldn't wish it on Madara, even at the peak of his insanity!

But back to important things. Let Ren state this fact once more, to underline that it is, in fact, important to take note of: Orochimaru of the Sannin has just slapped Voldemort in front of all his Death Eaters as well as the resistance, after having appeared out of thin air about two minutes prior.

And given that right now he is mad to the point that his normally serenely neutral face has been replaced with a frown and his yellow eyes glint dangerously, well. Even Ren, for all her annoying nature, has never really managed to tick him off, and look here: about a minute of Voldemort's ranting, and here is Oro, ready to slaughter everyone in a fit of rage.

(Ren makes a very wise decision to not try to mediate. Finding herself on the wrong end of Kusanagi is so not worth it. And finding herself on the couch for the next month is even worse. So she just lets it go.)

She's pretty sure she hears a cricket at some point.

"How dare you–" Voldemort interrupts the silence, and is interrupted by another slap, carried out with a nearly deafening echo. The faceless man- creature-thing looks torn between shocked and offended.

"You'd be wise to shut up, Mister Generic Bitchface," Ren can't help but chirp at that, rocking on her heels. "He's killed more people for fun than you've ever seen."

"And you haven't?" Ren doesn't even bother to hide her sigh of relief when Orochimaru directs his attention to her, more amused than angry.

"Given that you have a good thirty plus years on me, and have fought in three wars, well. I don't think I can beat your numbers," she shrugs. "Although I'm trying, okay! It's just so hard to find cannon fodder to mince these days, and Hana says I shouldn't kill civilians…"

"And you listen to her?" he asks, eyebrow rising.

"Sometimes!"

And that's the cue for the Death Eaters to start firing spells at them. Given that every one of them gets answered with a kunai or shuriken of alarming accuracy and enough strength to not only go into the skull, but through it- well. It perhaps isn't supposed to turn out like that, but soon a very shocked Voldy is the only one standing on the wrong side.

"Ruuuude," Ren boo's at the corpses, and then looks at the still stunned Voldemort. For a moment she wonders whether they've broken his brain, but then shrugs it off-

And promptly slaps the faceless-creature-man-thing herself.

Orochimaru actually snorts at that, and doesn't even try to pretend he didn't. Hell, he's still smirking when she turns to him.

"What?!"

"Nothing," Orochhimaru says. "Nothing at all."

Obito chooses this moment to jump out of the swirling vortex that suddenly appears next to them. He opens his mouth to say something, only to close it with an audible snap. He looks at the bodies, then at the duo, and at the bodies again. Finally, he throws his hands up with a loud "what the fuck, you were gone for five minutes!" and Ren can't help her burst of rather alarming cackling.

They go back, of course.

Voldemort, for having been thrice slapped, never recovers and proves an easy, unmoving target as he keeps dumbly staring off into the space they'd recently vacated.

•

0SomeoneStrange0 – at long last! xDD

Aka-chansama – I believe that in Academy it was mainly just basics and indoctrination, along with teaching kids writing, reading and math – I mean, they do send them to go when they reach 12, or even younger. And Hyūga are old-fashioned, taijutsu-oriented clan that apparently forgotten they're shinobi. Tradition is good, but gods, other things are important, too! And yes, Ren will scar. This actually her trademark scar on the nose, if you've seen any drawings I've done of her – but other than that, Ren likes scars, considers them cool and has a lot of them. As for Ren's former soulmate, most likely another dead Uchiha. Given that incest is one of the things she hates the most, and all the Uchiha are more-less related… Well.

calcu22 – yes, she's going to.

HikariNoTenshi-San – I'm already done with the hiatus? Wouldn't post if I weren't.

Roofscat – most likely is. We can't forget that people here murder one another for money and it's widely approved in the society, yes? And socially-wise, too, from civvies but she's still a female in patriarchal Japan society and some stuff she will do will boil the blood of much less open civilians.

kamkong – every eye has its own unique ability, then there's Susano'o which happens when you have both those abilities, and then Izanagi and Izanami. It's magical ninja genetics.

Fuchslady – for that we have to venture past Pre-Shippuuden, really, but, yeah. They're the main pairing of the story, after all.

GoTherka – the thing with CPwUR is that, as with all my stories, I first came up with few very major plot points that will never, under any circumstances, be changed, and then built the storyline around the, not the other way around. Those major plot pints are: who Ren is in both worlds, why and how she had gotten into Naruto, Ren receiving Eternal Mangekyo by certain means, her raising Naruto and Sasuke and Ren's relationship with Orochimaru. Which does get rather physically close, given neither of them is really capable of romantic love. Hell, they're going to actually marry and have children, even if that one will happen with Oro's lab-method. You can hope, but as I said – major plot points are to remain unaltered. They're what started CPwUR, and they are what holds it together. RenOro is the main pairing or CPwUR, and that's a fact.