WARNING: This chapter contains some of the tactics described previously between Peter and Victoria and then Peter, Jasper, and Lucus' spy.
Not so much a trigger warning, but the second half of the chapter brings me to tears, so you might want a tissue.
Chapter 11: The Games Begin
Before we were in hearing range of Laurent or the pups, I told Edward and Emmett, "I decided different tactics, and Alice told me the one most likely to get the information we need."
"Are you sure?" Edward asked, his disgust radiating from him.
That feeling is not going to help me. We are at war. He is the enemy. Would you rather I not take Alice's advice and more people die, maybe even one of us?
Not willing to wait for a response, I continued speaking to them both, "I have a basic plan, but each move I made will be based on Laurent's responses. For this to work most effectively, I need to concentrate, which means I need you both to make sure he doesn't flee and to keep the dogs from interfering."
"I trust you," Edward told me as a way of an answer.
"You're the warrior," Emmett added, "So, you're the boss. We got you covered."
Sending them my appreciation, I attempted to prepare myself for what may lay ahead. It had been so long since I had been required to be in a war mindset. Perhaps the last time had been Maria's visit. Tapping into that part of myself was no longer easy, which was a blessing, and caused me to be apprehensive of what might be needed of me. I would do it, because Alice and the Cullens needed it to be done, but I wasn't looking forward to it. Yet, the fact that I was choosing this option, rather than it being a requirement, was liberating in a twisted kind of way.
Emmett emitted slight nervousness, but mostly excited and a happy anticipation.
As we neared, I went into the treetops, and they followed.
The scene, when we came upon it, was almost funny. The wolves were circling under the trees, with a few of the smaller pups using their weight to lean the more flexible trees, while Laurent appeared frozen in place, except his head that kept moving from the trees to the wolves, like he was mentally struggling to figure out his next move. He had entered a part of the forest where the trees were sparser as well as younger, so shorter and weaker, making the options of how to leap away slighter and increasing the chance that he would get close to their jaws. It seemed like the risk of successfully escaping had decreased enough that he was running out of straight forward options. He clearly wasn't a fighter, which was a possible reason for being with James.
His immediate reaction upon seeing us was relief, and when the wolves didn't growl at us, he primarily emitted fear.
Moving towards him, while sending him my truth serum along with a fidelity cocktail, I asked him, "What are you doing here Laurent? I thought we made it fairly clear to your coven to steer clear of our territory."
"Scouting," he answered, like it was a reflex to be honest, emitting trepidation, as he continued to look around frantically.
"For what?" I asked, dropping my tone and altering my cadence to the one I used to use in order to interrogate the enemy.
"For James," Laurent said reluctantly, like he didn't want to say the words, but was powerless to stop them from emerging.
Moving towards him slowly and sensually like I was interested in seeing if he could please me sexually, while also leaping to a tree closer to him, I enquired my tone casual, "Oh?"
Laurent's head stilled, his eyes watching me intently, as if trying to decide what kind of man I was, and if I could give him what he needed, even though he knew Alice and I were a couple. His trepidation began to become interwoven with hope. Between my ability and the wolves stilling, probably as a result of my actions or hopefully due to Jacob's command, Laurent completely turned his attention towards me. Assessing him via my ability, it seemed like he was one of the few of our kind that enjoyed being dominated. James probably used sex to keep others in line, much like Maria. Edward's emotions shuddered with being appalled, which was a confirmation in itself. Then, Edward projected agreement to me.
That's helpful, I commended Edward. Thanks.
More than anything, this information confirmed why Alice had recommended this approach.
Dropping my tone deeper, adding the seductive element that all vampires carry through their lure plus my own charisma, while also removing my sweater, I scolded Laurent, "Haven't you been a bad boy." Then, I leapt closer still.
His trepidation was nearly gone, replaced by hope, while simultaneously his lust had skyrocketed. He moved his entire body to face me exhibiting some hesitation and distrust with submissiveness and being naughty vibes.
"Your Master might be disappointed in you, but I'm mightily pissed," I told him, sending his lust back to him at the same quantity he was emitting it, all the while removing my shirt. "And do you know what I do to bad boys?"
He eyed my scars lustfully and shook his head no, while his lust increased in equal quantity to his fear, and his body twitched like he wanted to move towards me.
Edward sent me another burst of agreement.
"I punish them," I uttered, turning the words into something coated in sexual intent, while removing my undershirt and standing bare-chested.
Then, I leaped to the tree he had been clinging to, choosing a branch slightly lower than him, but it was wide enough to walk upon. I walked out the branch a little, positioned my body to give off all the indicators I suspected would draw him towards me.
He nodded his head in a non-verbal pleading, the combination of his desire, lust, along with apprehension increasing, which I rebounded to him increasing it even more. He moved to the branch I was on, took a step towards me, and then paused.
Sending back to him his feelings at the same quantity he sent was the way Peter and I had learned created the greatest manipulation with the smallest chance of the person distrusting their feelings. I waited, knowing that it would only work if he came to me.
It took a few minutes of what could only be assumed as some internal debate before he moved towards me, allowing his back to be exposed. Most likely he had determined that I would be better at keeping him protected from other vampires than James, and that pleasing me was his best chance of survival.
By the time he stopped we were three feet four inches from one another.
"James," he mumbled a touch afraid.
"Is nothing in comparison to me," I insisted.
My truth serum, fidelity cocktail, and mirroring back his feelings appeared to be working, as his lust was quickly increasing. Within a few seconds, I was sending him double the quantity of lust as before.
He groaned in pleasure and moved the last distance between us. It was a sign that he had given himself over to me in a physical sense, but just like Lucus' spy, it wasn't enough. I needed the information he had.
Whispering seductively into his ear, I told him, "You see that prissy boy over there," indicating Edward.
He nodded his emotions indicating that he was determined to show me his value by pleasing me.
Keeping the same tone, I continued, "He will do as I command, so that you can be rightly punished."
Laurent's emotions quivered in anticipation, and his trust in me became his own, rather than it only coming from my ability, while his eyes held disbelief.
"Come stand behind Laurent, Edward," I commanded, my voice domineering all while continuing to lower my baritone.
I need to box him in so he can't run, I explained. I know this makes you uncomfortable, and I'm sorry for that. Remember that we're doing this to keep Alice and the Forks' humans safe.
Edward hesitated half a second before he squared his shoulders, his emotions screaming determination, and he took the leaps necessary to place himself behind Laurent close, but not touching. His clothes were heard making light contact with the trunk.
Laurent went to move back. Edward froze, no doubt hearing the intent in Laurent's thoughts, so I grabbed Laurent's neck and pulled his head back towards me before contact was made. That meant his emotional world was dumped into me, so i took a part of my mental capacity to sift through it and categorize it, in case there was anything my ability hadn't already picked up, which could be useful.
Edward's disgust was oozing from him.
Rein that in, I demanded. I need you to play your part, so this can work. And that distracts me.
Edward looked up and down, and then smothered his revulsion with resolve.
Good enough, I lauded.
Growling and dropping my hand back to my side, I tufted at Laurent, while allowing more of my drawl out, "You are a bad boy. I did not give you permission to do that, did I?"
"No, sir," he answered his voice contrite, while his emotions purred in delight.
"Edward is going to wrap his arms, so he is touching me. You have not earned the right to move," I informed him.
"Yes, sir," he replied, sounding pleased and he added to his emotions excitement.
His reaction meant I was on the right track.
Looking at Edward, I projected an image of how he was to pin Laurent, and then told him Use your shirt to cover your hands, as I don't want you touching my skin.
Confused Edward, nevertheless, complied.
"Now that we understand each other," I titillated to Laurent, "you are going to tell me how bad you've been."
"Very," he answered quickly.
"Let me be the judge of that," I stated authoritatively.
He paused as if trying to determine what would be most likely to get my punishment without enraging me. The fact that he had even the tiniest bit of self-preservation, despite the cocktail I was sending him, suggested that he had a lifetime of experience expressing the right balance in order to get the pleasure he sought.
"I found the female's clothes and took them to James. I found a yearbook with Alice's picture and the two girls. I found mail in Alice's name from the University of Washington," he started, looking at me if this was what would please me.
The wolves started to growl.
Get them to stay quiet, I commanded Edward.
"Very devious," I encouraged him, running my hand over his right shoulder along with maintaining a steady stream from my ability to recapture his attention away from the wolves. "But certainly you've done something more recent than that deserving of punishment."
His emotions were repulsive to me, and Peter wasn't here to keep me grounded. Reflecting on all the years with the Cullens where I had learned how to ground myself through the use of nature, I decided on using those techniques. Even though I wished for Peter, it was an opportunity to expand my skill sets.
Edward conveyed to Emmett using his slight signals my request.
"You pups aren't needed anymore, so either keep your jaws shut, or we'll shut them for you," threatened Emmett.
Fortunately, that worked, and the wolves became silent once more.
I removed my shoes and socks with my feet and used the bark beneath my feet to ground me, so that Laurent's emotions didn't pull me into his world.
"I found out the human James said to watch closely is living in the town," he offered hopeful that was what I was looking for.
"Oh?" I asked, lifting my eyebrow as if this might please me. "What's the human's name?"
"Bella," Laurent smirked.
The wolves rumbled, but managed to hold their tongues, thank God.
"Yes," I grinned back like the news was exactly what I wanted to hear. "What else?" I pressed with my tone and ability, sensing that he was still holding back.
"Her father is po po," he added, pleased at himself.
"And how did you manage that?" I asked with a raunchy tone.
"I overheard conversations coming in and out of town and at the beach where the locals come," he told me.
"Yes," I agreed, grasping my right hand on his neck and squeezing just enough to cause discomfort and sure enough his lust increased, "that was very devious."
He moved his body closer to mine, and I allowed it giving him this small reward, maintaining one part of my mind on the sensations coming from my feet.
"And how does James plan on using this information?" I questioned, taking my left hand and pulling his head back by his hair.
Matching his emotional tones meant that I was sending him the highest quantity yet.
Slurring slightly and beginning to rub his junk on me, he purred, "He's going to set up a scene on the border of your lands to lure out the po po, trade one of them for the girl, and then the girl for Alice."
"A fine plan," I commended.
Taking a step back, I demanded, "Left hand," while I sent Edward a picture of what I was going to do as well as how he should keep Laurent contained.
Edward released his grip on the left side, moving to hold Laurent's left shoulder tightly.
I took a small step back while Laurent lifted it up in anticipation, his emotions indicating that he was close to climaxing.
Eying it critically, I took off the thumb in one movement, put the joint into my mouth, sucked on it in a way that would remind him of getting a BJ while also coating it with my venom, and then joined it back together. He ejaculated. Stepping back towards him, Edward placed his fingers back on me with the lightest touch, covered with his sweater's material, as if scared of my body, even without the skin to skin contact.
Anything else, I asked Edward.
He mouthed José.
I didn't see José as important, but figured Edward must have picked up something in Laurent's thoughts.
Eye fucking Laurent like I might do that again, I asked him, "How does James know José?
Jealousy was the primary emotion at the mention of José's name, which dulled down the lust, so I didn't add to the mix.
"That salope offers James half the information that I do, while keeping James' attention!" he snarled.
Ripping Laurent's shirt a little near the collar, I put my teeth on his collarbone and pressed in a little.
Laurent's lust increased once more, confirming my hypothesis that he liked living on the edge of fear, as long as he was confident the fear wouldn't lead to his demise. His lack of questioning his absolute trust and submission to me was hard for me to swallow, as it was too reminiscent of the newborns who had trusted me even up the moment when I had thrown them into the fire.
"Maybe he was better at giving head than you," I taunted.
His fleeting emotions suggested he was growing tired of James, but argued, "I've been with James for decades and put up with that connasse."
"Well, then maybe he offered him something else you couldn't," I goaded.
Edward's emotions spiked with satisfaction.
We done? I checked.
Edward's emotions indicated an enthusiastic yes.
Although the tactic had been effective, my approach had meant Laurent's feelings had entered me and were lingering. They were challenging to set aside, as they were repulsive, reminding me of all the things I had been glad to leave behind in the camps. I had an odd sensation like wanting to vomit.
"Well, then," I mocked Laurent, "you'll just have to be even more devious."
Alice and I had been with the Cullens for almost four decades. Although Carlisle, Edward, and Rosalie were complex creatures, certainly capable of dastardly deeds and Maria's kind of mind fuckery if desired, I found that their ambitions were geered towards helping humanity. The Cullens simply wished to live a quiet life without problems or interruptions. Although it taken time to settle into this as truth, it was something I appreciated about them as every day started. Even when I had consumed a human and covered my tracks, the consequences were nothing more than disappointment, a talk, along with extra compassion and attention. The disappointment was a challenge to endure, especially when it lingered, but it was a walk in the park compared to Maria's camp discipline.
Over the decades it had become more and more common for Esme and I to be home alone together, us each working on our projects. I looked forward to these moments, as I continued to enjoy being close enough to her to experience the emotions she put off. However, over the last six weeks she had been melancholy and struggling to shake it, as the last human she had known had died. There was something impacting her in that fact. Her emotional state was bothersome to me. My only options were to leave her presence or alter it. I struggled with my decision.
At some point I had come to realise that if the offensive aspect of my ability were revealed, Carlisle would not see me as a tool to wield, as I had first feared. Instead, he would be curious about them, and thus would want to learn everything about it. Exposing myself like that to him unnerved me, even though I trusted what he learned to stay within the Cullens. More than Carlisle's reaction, I was concerned that revealing this aspect of my ability would result in Esme or Rosalie coming to fear me, and then me or even Alice and me having to leave.
It took me a few hours to weigh the pros and cons, but eventually it came down to the fact that Esme was a lovely person and I did not like seeing her suffer. I would have to trust in their trusting nature. Thus, with slight trepidation for the outcome, I determined her physical location, and moved in her direction, finding her on the computer sorting the coven's assortment of paintings.
"I'd like to offer my assistance with your sorrow," I told her after gaining permission to enter her workspace.
She stopped and turned to me surprised. "How would you do that?"
"I can send you an emotion that I have experienced prior, ma'am," I told her my body in the at ease position.
Her face demonstrated that she was taken aback, even though it didn't register very strongly in her emotional state.
After a minute's thought she agreed, "Yes, please."
After explaining that sitting facing each other in a meditate sort of position would aid me, she sat herself on the floor. Conjuring the way she was generally before this news, I started sending her the mixture from my memory, while I pulled the grief into me. Next, I searched into her deeper and continued the same process at any level where I found the present grief she was enduring. When complete, I left droplets of the affection Alice felt for her.
It took almost three hours before she was no longer statuesque.
"Thank you," she told me, "I feel better."
"My pleasure, ma'am," I replied and went back to my work, able to enjoy her presence in the house.
A few days later like a déjà vu Carlisle sought me out. "Esme says that you aided her."
"At her request," I reminded him.
"And I am grateful for what you did, but she refuses to speak about it, and simply told me to ask you," he explained.
Inwardly smiling at the difference to Esme's reaction from the first time she was my Guinea Pig, I enjoyed the thought that she protected my privacy in this way.
Keeping to my decision to trust Carlisle with this, I told him, "I can send emotions that I have previously experienced."
"You sent her an emotion?" he checked.
"Yes," I answered.
"What did you send?" he wondered.
"The way she usually felt before the notice of her cousin's death," I told him.
"You should tell Emmett and Rosalie, as it won't take long for Edward to know, if he doesn't already, and they shouldn't be left out," he stated.
"Yes, sir," I replied, keeping my surprise at his instruction from showing.
The disgruntledness he felt each time I replied in this way appeared. He was, if nothing else, predictable in his dislike of my formal approach to him as the Coven Master.
"We should vote on it, but I would appreciate you using your gift to help us keep cool heads when needed," he requested, "like sending out calming emotions."
Raising an eyebrow, his request puzzled me.
"If you're willing," he amended.
That wasn't the problem. My confusion was that his response to learning I had an offensive part of my ability was to ask me to use it on everyone, including him. Peter would never believe it.
Shrugging like it was fine, I uttered, "I am."
I certainly wasn't going to object if he was willing to subject his coven to this aspect of my ability, which would also allow me the opportunity to learn how to fine tune broadcasting, especially as the emotions would be very different than those I had wielded in the camp.
Moving away from him, he frowned.
"Jasper, I am not a fool to think that you come to trust easily, but I hoped that by now we have earned enough for you to be more transparent about yourself."
"It's not about trust," I refuted, as it wasn't anymore. That boat had sailed.
He stood waiting for an explanation while his emotions were a kind of hopeful wishing.
"I don't wish to repeat experiences of my past," I stated as a form of explanation.
He pondered my words before telling me, "Who you were is not who you are. The fear of the past repeating does not mean it will. At some point, you have to risk yourself a little, otherwise, you will be withholding the key components of intimacy."
"I'll think on that sir," I replied as a way of ending the conversation, since I wasn't lacking intimacy.
He had no way to measure the cost of intimacy with me, in part, because I kept those aspects of myself hidden from him. Other than Alice, the only Cullens who had touched my skin was Emmett. Even Esme had learned early on to hug me without skin to skin contact, although she had patted my hand or something equally benign, but both were on rare occasions.
He wasn't my Coven Master; he wasn't my father; he wasn't anything other than someone I was learning from and who allowed me to stay on as a guest.
Peter, on the other hand, knew me intimately. He had paid the price and still asked for my presence. Charlotte was the same, to a lesser degree.
No, Carlisle Cullen, and the Cullen coven members would shudder in horror at how much I would dismantle their mythologies. No, them knowing me no more than in these surface ways was better for us all.
After a brief assessment of what would be the best options, as a spy could be helpful, I took my left hand, pulled back his head by pulling on his hair, and with the quickness only perfected over a century of doing so, sunk my teeth into his neck and tore his head off. His disbelief and sense of betrayal hit me worse that Maria's experiment with cannons, reminding me all too well of the thousands of newborns who had wrongly put their faith in me.
I no longer had the fortitude to be what Laurent would require in order to turn him towards our side, and I had long ago decided to keep as much of my soldier self as possible from the Cullens. The question was if I had earned Edward's trust enough for him to keep what he learned to himself, rather than go tattling like he had done in those early years. For even though I had no intention of disrupting their mythology, if he failed to trust me, his bratty ways might be my undoing from them.
Dropping Laurent's head down to the waiting wolves, I told Edward gently, Let him go.
As if electrified, Edward stepped back, releasing Laurent's body. It hit multiple tree limbs before hitting the ground.
They need help? I wondered.
He shook his head no.
I picked up my clothes, redressing as I jumped trees until the pups were out of our hearing range. We, then, dropped out of the trees.
"How come I didn't get to hold him?" Emmett whined.
Sighing, I explained, "Laurent would have never bought it."
Emmett looked confused, but didn't say much else.
"Go find your Rosie and report to Carlisle," I suggested to Emmett.
He smiled, his dimples showing, before rushing off.
Edward walked at a slow human pace, as if in a daze. His disgust started to rise again, clearly directed at me. With it was a mixture of feelings that combined I had labelled as horror, a kind of state of being completely appalled by what had been witnessed or done. It was a familiar sensation in Maria's camp from the newborns.
You hold onto being disgusted by me and it will ruin our connection, I warned him.
His eyes moved a little towards me. Six steps later he asked, "How does it not bother you?"
It bothers me, I answered truthfully, while I tried to hide my belief that it was justified. When it came to matters of war everything was fair game in my book to be used against the enemy. Where Maria and I had differed was our belief of the treatment of our troops. Being in Maria's camps had taught me many things. One such lesson was that being ashamed and bothered by my behaviours was the cost of surviving in a war zone. I had survived and he was ash. My feelings on the matter were irrelevant.
"We used his sexual preferences and fantasies to extract information," he muttered like he couldn't believe what he had just done. "We violated him in the most intimate ways, using his very way of being against him, forcing vulnerability and coercion into a part of a person's life that should be sacred and beautiful. You desecrated something that should be respected."
His disgust rebounded adding an inward aspect to it. His emotions indicated that he was berating himself for participating in harming another creature in such a way.
It's more effective than torture, I explained. Would you have rather that? He was the enemy, a danger to Alice, a danger to the ones you love, and he would not have stopped until James got what he wanted.
Those words lessened his horror, replacing it with protectiveness.
You wanted to be a soldier, go off and serve in the war effort, right?
He nodded, although he emitted discomfort.
What did you imagine that would be like?
"I don't remember, actually," he told me, "but I probably imagined it as it was portrayed at the reels."
You've seen enough in men's minds, though, to know that the glory of war, the propaganda of war, all of that is not the reality of war?
"Yes," he answered tersely.
Hardly any weapon hurts us except in hand to hand combat. How did you imagine that the southern wars were won?
"Numbers," he answered even more uncomfortably.
And information, spying, tactics, the parts of war that are not fighting, but even more essential for the outcome?
"Luck?" he offered slightly sarcastically, and then added his tone melancholy, "I didn't give it much thought."
You imagine war being civilised, because that's how it was portrayed. The reels made it to be heroic and called on people to defend theirs and do their national duty. And it's not to say that there were not elements of those things, but that is not the daily life of a soldier. Carlisle has worked as a doctor in wars. Surely his memories show some of the gruesome reality. There is nothing beautiful about war, about destruction. It is ugly, and fighting for your survival, for territory in order to feed with no weapons means that everything about the body is used as a weapon to gain an upper hand.
All the things you take for granted are absent in war: feelings are unhelpful unless they're fuel for battle, morals have no worth, as all who stood by their morals and were repulsed died first. Maria was a true warlord who was never satisfied, never content. No matter what she attained, she wanted more, and everyone was a pawn in her never ending, unquenched thirst for more. And she wanted more of everything, more troops, more land, more power, more sex, more admiration, more fear, just more.
You have lived all your life in abundance. You cannot imagine my life as a human or a vampire, and that's okay. I don't need you to. But I am asking you to set aside your ideals and consider that the skill sets I have acquired have been formed due to necessity. It doesn't change who I am, even if I wish there had been other options. Yet, if I had not allowed myself to be forged in such a way, I would not be here to tell the tale. To not try and comprehend how I live with my actions or the lengths I would go to in order to ensure my survival.
After a long silence, he uttered, "You're right. I had a boyish version of war and since then I have not lived at the edge of survival, let alone for a hundred years. But even wars have rules and limits."
They do? I challenged.
"There are the treatment of prisoners and all other kinds of rules of engagement," he stated, but his voice tentative as he did so. "Certainly those have changed over the century, but they still existed and do exist in human society today."
Even if we were to compare ourselves to humans in this way, you do realise that George Washington won the war of Independence by not following the rules? He was outmanned and outgunned, so used dirty tactics. No one stands up and says that this country should go back to being a colony of Britain because the battle wasn't fought by the agreed upon rules of engagement for their day.
His emotions were turbulent, even though he said nothing.
Continuing I added, And the human rules of engagement don't apply in our world. The Volturi make the rules and enforce them. We don't agree to them, yet if we break them, there are no second chances. So, in the southern conflicts or any vampire conflicts, really, the only rules are the Volturi's. Everything else is acceptable. Sex and sexuality were certainly some of the many tools Maria employed for training, and she put in a lot of effort to forge me into her perfect weapon. I have to wonder what you imagined my life was like with her.
Long silence seconds passed before he added, "I suppose I imagined fighting and you being tired of it. Perhaps because I didn't want to imagine the reality you are describing. Even Maia's memories did what you're describing little justice. Forgive me. You tumbled apart my world."
I am sorry that I did, even though I knew asking you to assist me would likely do so, I told him. It was a price I was willing to pay and then asked you to pay, even though you did not understand what you would lose in the process. But mostly I am sorry that I cannot say that I regret the harm this unravelling will do to you. Even though you are as close to a sibling possible in this second life, I would pay this and more for Alice's survival. My willingness to sacrifice your morals and innocence, despite the anguish it might cause you makes me a cold-hearted calculating bastard. It is only one of the myriads of ways in which I am not a Cullen. And let's not forget that most of the time I am also paranoid. Despite these qualities, Alice wormed herself into me. I no longer want to live in a world without her in it.
"You are a Cullen, Jasper," he insisted. "You might be the most ruthless, tactically-focused warrior I know, but you are also kind, considerate, and respectful. When you came into the family, you could have usurped leadership from Carlisle. You didn't. You could have used your ability without our knowing it and used it against us. You didn't. The fact that you have this terrifying skill set and never have used it is a testament to the kind of man you are. Maria might have shaped you, but you are not her. You are not a sadist, and I dare say that you are more of a peace lover than Carlisle, simply because you know war. As much as am I loathed to admit it, perhaps I need my world tumbled apart a bit. You did so when you showed up in the family, and you are doing it again. Perhaps I should thank you."
Please do not, I begged him. I have sacrificed tens of thousands of lives, people's innocence, their honour, their bodies, their sense of self, their everything to survive. Does that make me a monster? Perhaps, perhaps not. Who is to judge these things except if I stand account after my burning, assuming the Bible speaks the truth? I do not want you to become me. So, please do not thank me for showing you the ugliness of my soul. I would have kept you from it, if I could have ensured the same result without you.
Silence enveloped us as we each reflected upon our thoughts for a few minutes.
"I thought I understood the depravity of man in my rebellious years," he uttered contemplatively, breaking the silence, "and perhaps I did. But I don't know if I understood raw survival and the ugliness it can unleash in any of us until tonight."
It is because of that ugliness that beauty stands even more in contrast. A single flower that managed to remain standing in the midst of a battlefield, the relationships you form with your men, two brothers that would die for the other, the physical pleasure of enjoying a woman's body, these things that might seem ordinary in civilian life are rare gifts in war, and in all my years as Maria's soldier Peter, and then Peter and Charlotte's relationship were things worth saving, and now Alice and the survival of what Carlisle has built. This is how I survived, by searching for the beauty when I could find it and in protecting it.
Edward paused and his emotions shifted letting go of the disgust almost completely. "I am not God, your judge, or your jury. I have not lived Carlisle's morally righteous life. I have no place to scorn you for doing what you believed was required to keep our family safe. You are correct that we cannot imagine the costs of war such as you have paid, but do not underestimate the costs we have paid for standing by and allowing bad things to happen to good people when we could have intervened. We pay a price for our values towards humans, and although it is not the same, please don't underestimate the family's ability to empathise, at least a little, in regards to the costs of choices."
Fair enough, I offered to him, especially as I was just beginning to experience that for myself in having Bella in my life. He was right it wasn't the same, but it held its own struggles.
Knowing that was the most Edward would be able to offer with sincerity, and hoping it would be enough understanding for him to live with his actions, I turned my mind to something else I wanted to speak about while we were alone.
With a deep sadness knowing what my words would mean, I told him, Speaking of beauty and things worth treasuring, and then vocalised "you should tell her," so there could be no confusion in my message.
He was startled and looked over at me shocked.
"You would let her go?" he asked incredulously.
She is not my object, I told him. You care for her, you wish to protect her and keep her safe, you care about her feelings, and are gentle and kind to her. What more could I ask for her?
He looked at me in utter confusion and projected dubiousness.
"I'm not tricking you, Edward," I stated, allowing my sadness to be expressed. It will be hard to not hold her as a lover does anymore, but I am aware that your principles would request she be fidelitous to only you. Recent events have changed things between her and I, and your feelings for her have bloomed. I have only ever wanted what is best for her. If she determines you the better match for her needs, then who am I to stand in the way?
"I don't understand you, Jasper," he admitted.
Smiling sadly, I replied, "I know. That's okay." My only condition is to remain her friend.
His feelings were in turmoil, emotions that I had never experienced coming from his rising up. "But," he muttered, sounding very much like the seventeen year old he had been when turned.
"Edward, you might be in a seventeen-year-old body, but you are not a teenager. Life is not a teenage drama or romance. Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy. Real life is messy and difficult. You aren't in 1911 anymore. Yes, Alice is not a virgin, but what does that matter? All the reasons why women were expected to be virgins when you were raised do not apply in this context. All that matters is your feelings for her and whether you can take care of her: mind, body, and feelings. She is a good match for you and you for her. Your ability allows you both to speak to each other in ways that she and I cannot. Your desire to keep yourself for someone who you care deeply for is noble, as your willingness to honour her and my relationship, but let go of the ways of the era you came from. We're not humans, and it is harder for us than them to find someone we are willing to trust ourselves with. If you've found that, then embrace it and be grateful, whether it be as friends or romantically."
In shock he asked, "Do you really see little difference between friends and romantic partners?"
Trying to find the words, I told him, "To me friends are the rare people in the world that you can call on to watch your back even if the odds are against you, and they can call on you. A romantic partner is that plus someone you have sex with. Otherwise you just have a fuck buddy. What is a spouse other than someone who you have promised to be a partner to?"
He seemed mostly confused, but when he spoke his tone was more sad, "What about courtship, proposals, and weddings?"
"Courtships were designed as structured ways to discover if a friendship was even possible, but look at how much that has changed from Carlisle's era to your own, let alone to this present one. Proposals are offering a set of rules and promises of a romantic partnership, and weddings are the community celebrating a couple making those promises," I explained.
"You make it sound so logical," he mused.
Quite the contrary, I refuted. These are just categories and words to describe status. They say nothing about feelings and connections. You and Alice already have a deep connection due to your abilities.
He looked bashful when he admitted, "I don't look at Alice in that way."
Lustfully, you mean, I confirmed.
He nodded looking even more uncomfortable.
Perhaps that is because we came to the house already being romantically involved and your honour code would not allow you to go there. Perhaps it is because you have already seen her naked mentally in snippets that repel your human values. Arranged marriages start with nothing but families agreeing and usually the building blocks of friendship, yet they are statistically more successful than this era's idea of marriage or even your era's. Perhaps no lust will occur for you towards Alice. If that is the case, then you still will have your friendship. But I am willing to step aside to allow you to see, without me holding that place in her life, what you feel towards our Alice might bloom even more.
He stopped and turned towards me. "I might not understand you, but I cannot help but admire you." Then, putting his hands on my sweater, he flooded me with his admiration, gratitude, and happiness. Pulling back, he started walking once more.
We walked another mile before he spoke again.
"You are far more dangerous than you have implied," he accused.
Please understand, I begged. My scars already scare you all. You cannot help it. It's instinctual. Even though each of you know me and trust me, still they scare you. Imagine if they knew what you experienced. I would have to leave. I could not bear to have them afraid of me. I implore you.
"You must have known asking me to hold him would reveal your secret," he mused.
I suspected that would be the case, yes. I would do anything to ensure Alice's survival, even leave the family, even though I would rather stay, I tried to explain. Deciding to appeal to his own selfish need to protect himself and those he cared about, I added, That doesn't even begin to address the risk of the Volturi seeing me as too dangerous to allow me to live. If you ever encountered Aro, or spoke of this, my life would be forfeit. An empath is one thing, but one raised in a warzone taught to use it as a weapon would not be dismissed quickly by them. So, apart from my own selfishness, I do not wish to put the family at more harm than my proximity already does. When he remained baffled I added, "Alice threw me a life jacket when I was drowning, seeking me out when all but Peter fled from me."
In truth he knew nothing more about my ability that he had before. The true difference was that he had never seen me use my ability to read emotions and send out emotions as a battle tactic. Putting a little fear in him and reminding him of the danger of not keeping this information to himself seemed like a smart tactic, as Edward valued his family, even over himself at times.
He nodded as if he understood, even though we both knew he didn't, not really. Then, with great hesitation he told me, "I will support whatever Emmett says and add no more. Alice would be devastated if you needed to leave, as would Esme. And the family needing to keep your ability from the Volturi would be asking a lot." A moment later he added, "If what you did were to come out, Rosalie might never forgive you for such actions, given her history, and Carlisle would be hurt that you did not confide in him."
I was more than a little aware of how Rosalie's connection with me would change if she knew about my years of using rape as a weapon of war.
Musing, I asked, "You don't think Carlisle would be afraid?"
Edward chuckled, "You know feelings better than I. But Carlisle lived with the Volturi. His curiosity seems to override his fear, or perhaps he merely has faith where I do not. I cannot say, but to answer your question, no, I don't think Carlisle would be afraid. It would be far worse than that. He would be curious."
Perhaps, I allowed, acknowledging that his warning matched my assumptions, although by my estimates Carlisle reacting in fear seemed as likely.
He knew Carlisle far better than I. Perhaps it would be nothing more than curiosity.
Carlisle and I lived in a mutual respect for each other. He knew that I would never challenge him for his role as Coven Master and respected his place in the coven. Alice had yearned for a coven master, though.
We had only been with the family a few months when Alice came to me.
Bashful, but determined, she explained, "I want to ask Carlisle to claim me as a member of his coven."
Puzzled, I enquired, "How come?"
She sent me trepidation and then shrugged. "Something is out there looming for me. It's been there since I woke. Carlisle is peaceful, but is also friends with the Volturi and commands a large coven. My maker is dead, and Carlisle showed me how to live through my visions."
"This cannot be undone," I warned her. "There's no do over, and if someone else wants you for their coven, then they would be required to convince Carlisle to give you over, kill him if he refused, or convince you to declare your separation from him."
"I know," she uttered softly. "I will only ask. He might say no."
"You can't see his answer?" I confirmed.
She shook her head no.
Tucking that away for later analysis, I reminded her my opinion on the matter, "The dominant vampire culture is archaic and vulgar, following much of the customs of ancient Greek culture, because the three kings are from that era. Many vampire covens hold to different beliefs."
"True," she agreed, "but it is from the Volturi that Carlisle will shield me."
Raising an eyebrow, I questioned, "What did you see?"
She shook her head. "Nothing concrete. It is merely a sense, but so is asking Carlisle. I cannot see the outcome, yet it seems like a step I should take."
Offering my support, I told her honestly, "Whatever you think is best."
It surprised me a little that Carlisle consented and seemed even a little proud. All I could see was the risks he was taking on, but he seemed honoured.
I had never experienced such an event, so was surprised when Carlisle took me aside a few days later. "Do you consent?" he asked me.
"It is what Alice wants," I offered, refusing to comment directly.
"Her request ties you both to our family," he pointed out.
"She makes her own decisions," I argued, realising that he was imposing the Voturi idea of mates onto Alice and I.
He looked at me confused.
Sighing, I explained, "I neither agree with the Volturi decrees nor their ideas of mates."
His eyes widened in surprise.
"The kings hold one woman as theirs alone, as it was in their era. Yet, I have no doubt that they have concubines and others that they exchange sexual pleasure with," I stated.
Carlisle's emotions were deeply unsettled suggesting that his leaving Volturi had little to do with his diet and much more to do with the clash between his Protestant Christian ideal and millennia old Greek culture.
Leaving that alone, I continued, "It works in their favour to propagandise an idea where their one woman could cause their ruin. They rule our world, so their customs have become the dominant ways of behaving, but it is impossible that it is the only way vampires live. Where women ruled a human tribe, they would rule a coven. Where a person had multiple partners, so would that be true in our world. In my view, ours is only a mirror of the human world amplified. We vampires feel deeply and trust little. Thus, when we are connected to others, we protect them fiercely.
"I can agree with the idea of connections and connected individuals becoming distressed when losing someone they were connected to, and the more people you are connected to, the easier for your enemy to hurt you. However, that does not support the idea of some kind of cosmic soul mate that we magically stumble upon, that somehow fate has specially set aside for us. Fate doesn't care about me that much, and there are many kinds of connections. I care about Alice's welfare. I wish the best for her. I protected her when we travelled together. And we enjoy an active sexual relationship. There's no magical vampire pull or some other crap."
He emitted sadness. "Maybe one day you will become less jaded."
Chuckling, I challenged him, "Or maybe one day you will come to see that you believe in a vampire kind of fairy tale."
He took a few minutes before returning to his intended topic, "So, will you permit Alice to bind herself to us?"
"She is free to make her own choice," I refuted, hating these ridiculous ideas.
"And you?" he asked, letting my response drop.
"Will stay as long as I am welcome and contribute something meaningful," I answered.
He sighed. "I cannot say to understand your point of view, Jasper, but perhaps your gift offers you an insight that I do not have. At one time I doubted the idea of a mate, but meeting Esme changed that for me."
Your era's beliefs and newborn imprinting, I thought to myself, but said nothing. Rosalie and Emmett were the same combination, as were Eleazar and Carmen, and the three kings with their wives, if Carlisle's stories were true, thus only added fuel to the Cullen madness regarding this idea. Ironically, Peter and Charlotte fit that category also. Unwilling to get into a conversation about this, I shrugged, not wanting to argue with him. It would serve no point. People were generally reluctant to give up their myths.
"If you do not object, then I will ask the other family members. I already can tell you that Esme is ecstatic at the idea. However, if Rosalie, Emmett, or Edward object, I will decline."
"Fair enough," I allowed knowing his preference to get others' input.
It was only one of the ways that made Carlisle an especially strange coven leader.
No one objected and a date was set. Upon Carlisle's request, we stood in a circle around him and Alice. She was in a sleeveless blouse.
"Do you request to become an official member of the coven of your own free will and being tied to no other coven?" Carlisle asked.
"I do," she affirmed, radiating happiness and relief.
"I agree for you to join the coven with all the rights and responsibilities that entitles," he uttered.
She lifted her arm and barely winced when he bit her over her maker's bite. Everyone hugged her and welcomed her. She beamed joy and it seemed to settle something in her. She had a place where she belonged and people that wanted her.
Decades later I had asked Carlisle once if he knew any so called mates that had both been vampires a while before meeting and had kept to the mate folklore, well not so crudely, but his answer had been no.
"Do you still not believe in mates?" Edward asked incredulously, pulling me out of my memory.
"No," I answered. Then, raising an eyebrow in doubt asked, "Do you?"
"The wolves imprint," he replied, which was not an answer in my mind. Clarifying he added, "If shapeshifters have imprinting, then why would we not have mates?"
Because they need an evolutionary mechanism to impregnate women. Without imprinting who would have them? I answered with a smirk.
Edward chuckled. "Carlisle was right. You are jaded."
Shrugging, I refused to discuss it.
He sighed, "Courting Alice, and perhaps marrying her would contradict your theory."
Chuckling, I teased, "Then you definitely should pursue her, if only to prove me wrong."
He grunted. Half a mile later he admitted, "I do care for her deeply."
"I know," I reminded him.
"You're giving up a great girl," he bantered.
My tone serious, I replied, Our friendship is what binds us. The sex is enjoyable, but consensual sex is enjoyable.
He sighed and admitted, "Trying to impede your friendship with her would be like trying to stop a tornado."
"True words," I agreed.
"I think you're wrong," he told me. "I've watched Alice and you over the years. You might not believe in mates, but your and Alice's bond is strong. You might imagine you and her as friends who have sex, but from my perspective there has always been more between you two than that. I think you're giving away more than you think."
"Even if that were true, it isn't any longer," I stated heavily. "The option was already chosen, and I consented in awareness of what it might cost me. You might be correct and the price is steeper than I expected, but I can't take my choice back. And no matter the true cost, if it ensures Alice's survival, then it will have been worth it."
He was curious and confused, but instead went back to the previous topic. "I will probably act terribly at times, being unreasonably territorial, and act like a cad. I'm asking for your forgiveness beforehand, because I need you to know that it will be hard for me," he admitted.
It is the way you were raised as a human amplified. I get it. Just don't complain, then, if I use my gift to calm you.
"Deal," he agreed, and then amended, "As long as calming me is all that you do."
"Have I ever done anything else in all the decades you've known me?" I questioned saddened at how knowing my capacity had changed how he thought of me.
"No," he answered, sounding apologetic. "I am certain of your values, Jasper. The fact that you have this ability and I have never once even seen it in your mind speaks to your honour code. Forgive me. Only moments ago I said so, and I meant it. I'll get my head straightened out. It's a lot to take in."
Maybe a run will help?
"Yes," he agreed, running at near his top speed.
I trotted next to him enjoying the changes that were happening within him.
When we got to the house Alice went and stood in front of Edward and they had one of their silent conversations.
"Let's get on with it," Rosalie insisted.
They stopped their exchange. Alice looked at me, sending me sadness and a mixture of uncertainty, appreciation, and pain. Alice sat next to Edward, rather than Esme, like she usually did, so I sat next to Esme, placing me across from Alice.
Everyone else emitted curiosity, no doubt at the change of seating arrangements, which Edward confirmed with a slight nod, but no one mentioned it.
Alice had been right.
Change was here.