Chapter 19: Changes Are Here
After taking down an antelope and a white fox, I sat down with my back against a rock. They sat across from me, Charlotte in Peter's lap. I sent them my appreciation and care.
We sat in companionable silence for many hours before I voiced my enquiry, "How are you coping, Charlotte?"
"It was hard, without a doubt," she stated, "but Maria's camp was worse in so many ways. Does that make me callused or something? I'm not sure. As it was occurring, the challenging parts were staying tuned into what you needed and watching him accost you, even though you offered yourself in Esme's place. Knowing it was a game and you were playing along along with our times together helped me stay focused. These awarenesses allowed me to rest assuredly that even though it was sex he used it as a weapon, so there were no emotional ties to the actions, which I knew would make it easier on you.
"Being there with you and aiding you resulted in me feeling more connected to you, and more compassion towards you. I perceive that I understand you better. Supporting you, by sending you beneficial emotions, along with assisting you in tearing that bastard apart helped me." She chuckled, and appeared like she was reviewing a memory. "In retrospect, my only regret is killing that child. In my head it's justified. The child was sentenced to dead anyway, but for him to use a child like that hit a nerve in me that has lingered."
"You were remarkable during the whole thing. I am very proud of you," I praised her.
"Peter is owed some credit," she divulged. Raising an eyebrow to the both of them, she continued, "While we've been guarding Bella, Peter has been filling me in how he's helped you in the past, what emotions he would send you, how he sent them, and how to stay centred and calm in the midst of war."
"Thanks," I offered to Peter. "You prepared her well."
He barely tipped his head.
Even I had to admit that his ability came in handy at times.
Turning back to Charlotte, I added to my acclaim, "Not only did you send me what I needed emotionally, you sent me your energy or something like that, allowing me to go without blood, while using my ability at such high amounts. In my estimate, it added to the subterfuge, hiding that I had an ability being used against him. How did you do that, by the way?"
"I'm not sure, actually," she answered. "I merely attempted to give you what I thought you needed. I wasn't purposefully attempting to decrease your bloodlust."
"We talked about it," Peter interjected, "and I knew what she meant, because I used to do the same back in the day."
"You did?" I asked, shocked, since I had no memory of it.
"You were a mess," Peter reminded me with a grin. "Decreasing how much you experienced everyone's bloodlust kept everyone at the camp safer. Even before you starting purposefully using your ability on the battlefield, you still killed more newborns than anyone else."
"Any guesses on how I can take energy from you and now Charlotte?" I wondered, frightened at the prospect.
"I gave it to you," Peter insisted and Charlotte agreed.
"How?" I wondered.
"If bloodlust is a feeling, and you can be influenced by another's bloodlust, then it only stands to reason that I could send you the emotion that decreases bloodlust," Peter stated.
"Yeah," I agreed with his logic.
It was something I would want to explore further in the future in case we ever needed to use it to our advantage . What he was hinting at was not so much that they had sent me their energy, as that they fooled my body into thinking that the feeling of bloodlust was absent. That caused me to wonder if the same was true in reverse.
Letting that train of thought go for the time being, I turned back to Charlotte, "Your actions helped things along. You did really well." Then, I sent her my pride along with my emotions towards her at the time. "I'd like you to consider that if you weren't still struggling with killing a child, that would be more worrisome. Even though humans are our natural food source, that doesn't mean certain things shouldn't be taboo, and James used every taboo to disturb us. It's good that you're upset, Charlotte," I repeated my voice soft, hoping that would help the words penetrate past her shame. "And the way you aided the humans' emotions that you emptied after the child was genius, not to mention compassionate. You did good."
She said nothing, but her dispelling emotions indicated that my words had penetrated.
Turning to Peter, I told him, "Thank you for trusting me with her."
"It was the hardest thing I've ever done," Peter confessed.
I raised my eyebrow at him in doubt, as we both had done some hard ass shit.
"Truly," he confirmed. "Being unable to hear anything was terrible, so there was no real way for me to know what was happening, and good ol' Eddie boy wasn't spilling. He even managed to hold his features neutral the whole time, annoying fucker. The entire time I had to tell myself that rushing in would just mess things up. To allow you to play his game instead of attacking him straight out was more than difficult."
"He would have ended Esme," I reminded him.
"Yeah," he grunted. "I kept reminding myself how that would be bad."
Charlotte swatted his arm.
After taking a moment to collect my thoughts, as I wasn't usually good at the type of conversation I wanted to have next, I voiced to Charlotte, "It seems like how you see me has changed."
She stilled for a while before looking up at Peter and then at me. "You know that I was terrified of Maria at the camps, because she changed me. That sire bond is strong, and the way that she did it gave me the impression that she was God-like. Without doubt even after my transformation, she could have ended me in less than a second." She paused, placing her eyes up towards the canopy of leaves on top of us, and I remained silent.
Her eyes eventually returned to me and she continued, "But that terror was a shadow in comparison to the pure stone-cold dread that you conjured within me. Every experience of pain, except on the battlefield, came from you or you were there watching, approving of someone inflicting it upon me. Fighting you was folly. Fleeing was lunacy. Freezing brought more pain, so when it was the three of us together I tried to bond with you, in order to show you that I was on your side. It blew up in my face, because no matter how noble my intentions, I understood too little.
"After you left us, Peter described how he saw you and his relationship with you. Don't misunderstand, I believed him, but it was only in playing James' game alongside you that I began to fully comprehend Peter's descriptions. Yes, you were the meanest, scariest motherfucker in the camps, but what I feared was the creature Maria had forged you into. It is not your true self.
"In that room I watched you use everything Maria had taught you and every trick you knew to protect those you love. As a result, I began to see that you were as much as, if not maybe more of Maria's victim as we all were. In that awareness my fear of you has been significantly dissolved. Since then, I have come to realise that I don't want to continue the relationship we've had. I am aware that what you and Peter have is unique and something no one can break or duplicate. At the same time, I'd like for you and I to develop something as consequential. It meant a lot to me to be trusted to do that job, and I'd like to learn how to do it even better."
My mouth opened and closed multiple times. I just couldn't form words in response.
"My girl can do that to you," Peter teased.
I chuckled and some of the intensity within me eased.
"She's got good points," he added, "to make us stronger. Not speaking her ideas out of fear doesn't serve any of us."
Keeping eye contact with her, I agreed, "No, it doesn't. I don't want a mouse in my coven, Charlotte, and I don't want you afraid of me. I have claimed Peter and you. Even though these past decades we have lived apart, it hasn't changed that I see you both as members of my coven. I'm not Carlisle by a long stretch, but there is a lot in how he manages his coven that I admire. Talking things out, getting everyone's views, and voting is certainly at the top of my list. I want you to have your own voice."
She looked down and emitted embarrassment.
After an elongated silence, I commanded, "Out with it."
"Do you think that you'll ever find another way to manage your ability?" she asked, stuttering and visually presenting like she was afraid I would be upset at her question.
We were heading in the direction I wanted us to go, but clearly we still had work to do to get there. At least something good had come out of the ugliness of James.
"You can ask me anything, Charlotte, truly. Please do not worry. In answer to your question, I don't really like the method Peter found," I told her truthfully, "so, yes, I would like that, but you need to know that the ways James was training Alice, Maria used those methods and more on me. For close to a hundred years before Peter she contorted my body to her liking, and used all kinds of methods to do so, especially sex.
"She was intent and successful in forming me into her weapon to wield against others. It's a wonder I didn't go insane. Truly, Peter saved me. I hope to find other methods. Believe it or not, it's one of the things living with the Cullens has been helpful for. My need for it has decreased, but not been removed entirely. Alice was taking care of my sexual release needs until things with her and Edward got more serious," I informed her. After a few seconds of silence, I wondered, "Does it bother you?"
"Not in the way you might think," she confessed. "Sometimes it's hard to not be jealous regarding the reality that you do and will come first in Peter's life. There are moments when I want his full attention and to be the priority."
Taking my time to absorb her words, I eventually responded, "What you and Peter share is so beautiful. I am lucky to be in its presence. In human families a woman has a husband, but that husband also has obligations to his work and perhaps others. That comes close to what is between us three, except we are more intertwined. I cannot replace you. You are critical for Peter, and if there were ever a moment when he had to choose between us, I'm confident he would choose you. Do you no longer want to aid me or for Peter to aid me? I could always ask one of the Denali sisters. There's no pressure, obligation, or anything else. Our relationship matters more to me than what you can do for me," I attempted to assure her.
There was a long silence where Peter and Charlotte did that couple thing of talking to each other without words.
It was Peter who broke the silence, "When helping you release your ability, it seems like Charlotte and I being joined in some way has been an even greater benefit to you than when it had been her or me alone. Us being joined when aiding you has been more beneficial for us also. Mostly though, I want us to keep this stuff in our coven, because I figure the less people that know about your weaknesses and the less that others know about the details of it the better.
"I'll tell you what I told Charlotte in the years after you left and joined the Cullens. I'm not into guys. I don't want to have sex with you. It's not like that. I want my friend and commanding officer to be well. To me there's little difference between using my body to take care of your needs or when I used my body to get information from others or similar wet work. Some of that is out of self-preservation. I'm safer if you're in top shape. And the rest is because I came to care if your mug lived another day. I'd rather have you fighting alongside me than me fighting alone."
His words were the sappiest I had ever heard coming from his mouth.
Saying nothing, I sent him the complex mixture of my feelings for him. There were no words to summarise my emotions. Simply, he was my brother-in-arms.
We waited in silence for Charlotte's opinion.
It took a while before she voiced, "I like being the handmaiden more than I liked watching Peter and you fight or you penetrate him. There's some reminiscence from my human years of servicing men, because I felt sorry for them and enjoyed helping them feel better. I'm not opposed, but my brain keeps wanting to tell me that it's wrong in some way."
"Let go of those constructs," Peter encouraged her. "Trust in what feels right for you."
She looked bashful. "I like taking care of Jasper."
"And I like my Coven Master to be grounded," Peter admitted. "Sure, it's mentally challenging to watch another man penetrate my lover, but if I let go of the thoughts related to that action, and focus on the feelings, then there's no doubt in my mind this is what is needed. Contrary to how it might look to an outsider, I'm not farming her out. I'm not even sharing her, like in a threesome. I am giving my brother the greatest and most precious gift I have - letting go of my so-called mate rights, and allowing her to choose, so that he can heal."
Charlotte gazed toward the heavens, as if in great concentration.
Peter and I gave her silence, so that she could process her thoughts.
It was close to two hours later when she turned to me and asked, "You were lost in your memories at times when we were in the mines with James?"
Surprised at the connection she made, I agreed with her hypothesis.
"Were you impacted negatively by them?" she enquired, her concern clear.
"I'm dealing," I answered in a curt tone.
"Don't do that," Peter chastised. "She asks because she cares. You just said that you don't want her scared of you and her to be able to ask anything. You can't make those statements and ask for us to explain our emotions, and then not share yours."
"Kettle black?" I threw back at him with a growl.
"Sure," Peter agreed easily with a shrug. "This talking about my feelings isn't something I grew up with and certainly not allowed in the camp, but you're an empath for God's sake. I had to learn how to explain my feelings in order to keep you satisfied. Don't have to like it. Just answer the lady's question."
As soon as I used my ability to tap into Charlotte it proved Peter right. God he was such an insufferable know-it-all.
Turning to Charlotte, I sent out repentance, "Peter's right. I'm sorry. He'll tell you. I'm terrible at knowing my own feelings, let alone talking about them."
Her jaw dropped open and she looked between Peter and I and muttered, "How did the two of you ever survive?"
"Dumb luck," Peter suggested.
"Combination of Peter's stupidity and ability," I offered at the same time as he had spoken.
The three of us started laughing and the tension that had arisen between Charlotte and I dissipated.
"I apologise Charlotte," I offered her. She dipped her chin down in acknowledgement before I continued. "It's more than a memory for me. It's like being back in that moment again. They started after we had the initial run in with James' coven. They are unpleasant. I'm beyond grateful that James never caught on. It was a lucky break that he didn't."
"You should have said something," Peter griped.
"I was handling it," I refuted.
"Handling it is not the same as confiding in us, in me," he argued. His anger flared unexpectedly. "I know you've been watching us, hoping for some more relief. Why didn't you ask?" By the end the anger he was dispelling into the atmosphere turned into disappointment.
Keeping eye contact with him, I told him earnestly, "I don't want to be like Maria. And I don't want to take advantage."
"You couldn't be less like that cunt if you tried," he growled, then added with an accusatory tone, "You saying that I'm not enough of a man to tell you no?"
Glancing over to Charlotte, she looked sad, while she oozed relief, suggesting this was something they had talked about before.
"Peter," I stated in my commander tone. "Tell me what's bothering you."
Surprisingly it was Charlotte that answered, "Friendship and trust are what you want, right?"
"Yes," I agreed without hesitation, confused about how her question related to Peter's attitude.
"Our dynamic has changed. Even though you're still our coven master, you want more equality between us? Something like what Carlisle has?" she seemed to be verifying.
"We won't get there overnight, as old patterns die hard, but yes, that's where I want us to end up," I agreed.
"Right," she muttered. Appearing to be gathering courage, she stated, "I want to know more about you. I would like you to share more. Peter was only voicing my frustration, or maybe his frustration at hearing me talk about it."
Looking over at him, he nodded, and then sent me his apology, none of the frustrated, irritated, or angry feelings present in his top layer. I responded through my ability, sending an apology of my own to them both.
As if making a promise, I held her gaze and instructed her, "Ask again."
In exact replication of what she had asked previously, she voiced, "Were you impacted negatively by them?"
"Yes. There's been improvement since James was burnt, but not a ton," I stated after a brief evaluation.
She smiled like I had given her the best gift.
Maybe it was a female thing, as I couldn't understand how my words had meant so much to her.
She seemed to be reluctant to ask more, even though her discharging emotions said otherwise.
After a few moments she asked, with a little encouragement via my ability, "What's been bothering you the most?"
Without meaning to my ability oozed my shame out of me, while I confessed, "That I am a hair's breadth away from becoming Maria."
Peter emitted grief and Charlotte high amounts of surprise.
It took a few seconds for Charlotte to ask, "Why would you think that?"
"I was Maria's weapon and sex toy for so long that my own opinions, personality, even feelings came to no longer exist. She and I rarely disagreed and when we did, it seemed to be due to our gender differences. It wasn't just that she shaped me. I became her weapon. I became an extension of her will," I confessed, keeping my eyes at the ground in front of me. "That past reality becoming my present is what terrorises me. Then, James and I held similar views on mates, not to mention that he wanted to make me into his weapon. There's such a temptation to go back into that. Turn off my mind, stop working hard at getting better every day, and just follow orders. It seems simpler and comfortable."
Peter grunted in this complex acknowledgement, while also conveying that he was unhappy with my confession via his emotions.
Charlotte lunged at me and pulled me into a hug without our skin touching. I only let her because her feelings had been so full of care and compassion.
After a few minutes Charlotte released me.
"Having similar views to someone doesn't mean that you're similar to them," she pointed out. "You used your skills and knowledge to protect. James used it to harm. You used your position to make camp as safe as it could be. Maria used her power to feed her own enjoyment in watching others suffer. James and Maria's appetites were unquenchable. You've become an animal muncher for God's sake."
"I lived with that cunt for too many days and hours," Peter added. "You were ruthless. No doubt about it. You were a cold-hearted, mean-ass bastard compared to Maria's hot-headed, vindictive bitch streak. But you were cold-hearted and mean out of survival and necessity. Maria was a bitch out of her own choices and past. You've changed. She's no doubt still down there being her same horrid self."
"Saving Esme can't make up for the century and all of the evil I committed," I refused.
"And there is the Cullen bullshit," Peter snapped, annoyed.
Charlotte looked at Peter and then stated, "Maybe you acted horridly. Maybe you behaved monstrously. Maybe you committed evil deeds. But none of that defines who you are. Maria and James' behaviour, on the other hand, speak to their characters. An evil man would not be a brother to the Cullens. An evil man would not befriend a human and try and save her with mouth-to-mouth. You are not evil, even if some of what you did was."
The feelings welling up inside of me were strong. A part of me wanted to refute her. Another part saw the logic of her argument; especially after evaluation of it, I could find no flaw.
"I hear you," I vowed. "It might take some time to penetrate my thick skull, though."
"Can we help at all?" she asked.
For some odd reason her question triggered my memory of Alice's and my conversation. Groaning in the awareness that I needed to take my own advice, I told her, "Telling the stories of what happened to me before Peter arrived would probably do me some good."
She and Peter shared a look before they both agreed.
I told them about the first time Maria had me build a pit.
"Same old Maria," Peter spat.
Charlotte looked at him curiously, but she wouldn't get that story from me. Turning back to me, she asked her voice soft and gentle, "How do you feel about what you did?"
"Terrible," I disclosed. "In my mind I know it was either follow order or die, and I did try to make it as easy on the newborns as possible, but it disturbs me."
She caught my eye and told me earnestly, "The fact you were and are disturbed is what differentiates you and her."
She smirked and I quickly caught on that she had turned my own advice on me.
Oddly, it wasn't a perspective I had considered for my own history, and the telling of what had happened to me had helped my emotions, so I told another flashback and then another and then another for four days straight. Hesitantly, I even shared about Maria's sexual expectations of me, and the spy Peter and I had ended.
Many moments, but particularly around the spy Peter emitted frustration sometimes combined with sadness and anger. Charlotte's emotions changed with the stories, but mostly were anger tinged with the desire of revenge.
These particular moments weren't close to sharing all that had transpired before Peter joined the camps, but it was a start.
At the end I told them both, "I trust you more than any other creatures on this planet. At this point, it isn't about trust. It is about me not wanting to say these things out loud. It is about me wanting to put my past behind me. It is about me not wanting to burden you."
Their feelings towards me, rather than moving into the more negative range, like I had feared, contained more compassion, care, and understanding.
"We'll carry them together," Charlotte promised. "A burden shared lightens the load."
A fuzzy memory of my human mother saying something similar came to me.
"May I check our connections?" I asked.
"Go ahead," Charlotte stated and Peter nodded his agreement.
To my great surprise their connection with me had broadened and grown in strength, although, unsurprisingly, with Charlotte a great deal more than with Peter. Clearly Charlotte had been correct. Me sharing had been to our advantage.
"I'll work at opening up more," I promised her. "It'll be hard for me, but I can see what you meant."
She smiled like she was proud of herself.
"This ugliness Maria placed within you is all her," Peter stated emphatically. "This is all on her."
"We want to help you get it out," Charlotte chimed in, "along with improving your management of your ability."
"Thank you," I told them. "You both really are the best."
They shared a look and then Peter offered, "Triangle meditation?"
"No harm in trying that first," I agreed.
They shared another look before Charlotte turned to me, "Maybe there's a way to use the triangle mediation more purposefully? I'd like to talk about the forms of mediation you've tried and how you incorporate your ability in doing so to see if we can improve the technique for you. Also, exploring how your ability stores others' feelings and how it builds within you seems useful. And we already agreed on searching to find other ways for you to release what your ability acquires, so that you have more options than what Maria instilled within you. Until such an alternative arises, I am honoured to serve you in any way that you need."
"What she said," Peter voiced, his tone teasing.
I couldn't ask for anything better from either of them. The costs of the war with James had been high, but this moment and their truth was a sweet reward.
I was beyond appreciative for how my relationship with each of them and them as a couple had been significantly improved. We were no longer locked into the patterns of the past. We had moved beyond what had been formed at the camps. We had yet to settle on whatever the new form of us would be, but at least we were unshackled from our histories.
We sat in our triangle. I immersed myself into Charlotte's world, exploring her in all her depths, and giving special attention to her feelings towards me as well as Peter. Then, I moved along their connection and did the same to Peter. Next I attempted to explore my own world in the same way I had theirs. It had the sensation of a device being too close to a radio and thus giving out an echo, distorting the information. Thus, I reverted to my usual analytical analysis of myself.
"Whatever you're doing, stop," Peter commanded.
Opening my eyes, I examined his expression puzzled by his outburst.
"It was like a low level of Kate Denali's ability, except emotionally," Charlotte stated.
Sending me forgiveness and sorrow he voiced, "It had the energy you used to give off at the camp."
Totally confused about what he was talking about he disclosed, "Most of the time I knew when you needed me not due to my ability, but by this discharge you would put out, like you were a porcupine warning anyone who got near, except the jab would be rage or lust for power or desire to harm."
Looking down, I muttered, "Oh."
"Even when we travelled together?" I checked.
"Yeah," he admitted reluctantly.
"You should have said something," I stated, frustrated that this was the first time he'd mentioned it.
"Charlotte's not the only one with bad memories of who you used to be," Peter mumbled.
"I've never sensed that you were scared of me," I countered, confident in what my ability had picked up.
"Not scared," Peter agreed, "but certainly weary, confused, uncertain."
Pursuing my memories, those emotions had been present. I had assigned other reasons for their appearance than myself. It caused me to wonder if perhaps I was less skilled in knowing the reason behind an emotion than I believed.
"Clearly I understand myself and my ability far less than I had imagined," I muttered irritated.
"But you know far more than when I showed up," he jabbed back with a smile.
"Far," I agreed. "I'd still be lost in the woods without you."
"Guess that proves that the sex is needed when you absorb from others due to touch," Charlotte stated as if it was no big deal.
My jaw dropped and I stared at her. A few seconds later when my brain kicked in, I repeated back to her "through touch," like she had found the Holy Grail.
They both looked at me like I was making no kind of sense.
"I misunderstood?" she questioned, like she had done something incorrect.
"You made a connection I never have," I admitted. "It makes sense that fighting and sex is how I expel emotions gathered through touch, as they are touch based. That also explains why the triangle works for emotions gathered in the atmosphere. I never analysed it like that. Well done!"
She smiled and emitted pride.
"Let's circle back to that," I requested.
"Good job, Char," Peter praised her. "I hadn't seen that either. Guess we needed a pair of eyes not so focused on the weeds."
"Hopefully she can add more insight," I agreed. After a few minutes, though, I commented, "And to the problem at hand?"
"We'll keep doing what we know what works," Peter stated like it was obvious.
Having a sense that the decision was made, I asked them, "Preferences for this moment?"
"Myself," Charlotte said before Peter could even speak.
"How?" I wondered as her tone and body posture reminded me a little of when she had offered to share herself in a more romantic way when we had wandered together.
Catching my meaning quickly, she told me, "As a handmaiden, but if you need that too, please let us know. If it's decades before a woman replaces Alice, then you might need more than a handmaiden. However, I should state that I'm hesitant to try that again. At the same time, I'm willing for the three of us to at least talk about it. I'm not so naïve anymore, so will be able to choose more wisely."
Peter emitted surprise and hesitancy, but then looked at me and sent me acceptance.
Smiling at her, I told her, "Thank you for offering and all your words," while I sent Peter gratitude.
"Would it bother you if Peter was below you in a kind of sixty-nine?" I asked.
"That's fine," she agreed, while her emotions indicated some excitement and gratitude.
This time she chose to strip completely, and Peter did the same, so I did also. It was strangely more intimate in comparison to when there had been some thin strips of fabric on us, like before. Peter put himself on the ground and then Charlotte lay down on top of him, placing her head on top of his johnson.
Entering her was incredibly satisfying, comforting, and soothing. Her emotions pulled on me, gently requesting for me to enter into her more deeply, in a similar way that she had done in the triangle mediation. However, with so much of our skin touching and my body's familiarity with penetrating someone else, it was like a switch that opened me up in ways that had been shut in the triangle. Furthermore, the skin contact and the intensity of her feelings flooding me created a sensation of me being a passenger on this journey, rather than the driver. Unwilling and unable to resist such a beautiful gift, myself, via my ability, swam inside her, allowing her to guide me towards her innermost depths and her connection with Peter.
Peter took his hands and placed them on my legs, flooding his emotions into me. He pulled me emotionally into him in a manner that was simultaneously familiar and comforting. I could sense Peter calling for me across their connection and into himself. Choosing to move with the current of their connection, I travelled to him and entered his emotional world. Between the two of them, I was urged and caressed into him, across the connection, into her, across the connection, back into him, and over and over. All while this internal process was occurring, my body, as if on autopilot, moved in and out of Charlotte.
The joy of acceptance, of being truly wanted and cared for in such a way was so intense that when I released myself into Charlotte there was moisture in my eyes. Both her and Peter released also. How much was due to their own enjoyment and how much from my ability influencing them I couldn't tell.
When I opened my eyes, Charlotte still had Peter's johnson in her mouth, but in a tender embrace. Having no desire to break the physical connections and thus emotional joining between us three, I remained in her while laying my chest on her back.
"Any damage to either of you?" I checked after a few hours.
"No," they both answered.
And then Charlotte uttered, "I am your faithful and unending servant. Please do not leave us. I do not want to imagine my future without you."
Averse to having a conversation in the position we were in, I stood up and reclothed. Following my lead, Peter did the same, as did Charlotte, and then we sat in our meditation triangle.
Starting us off, I told them, "As my stories made clear, fighting and sex helps ground me because Maria trained me to be her servant through pain and sexual release. And then, once I was able to respond exactly how she trained me, she used me to be her instrument against others."
Charlotte's emotions were sad and upset on my behalf, while Peter's were a mixture of sad acknowledgement.
"James' games were a strain because they reminded me of Maria," I went on. "Like James, Maria is a sadistic voyeur. Remember the story about the glass experiment? I still have fragments in my back that are healed over. Every once in a while when we'd be fighting one would show and Peter would dig it out. I also still have a muzzle ball in my chest."
The emotions of appalled and livid shot out of Charlotte.
"Thank you for caring about me," I told her, "but right now I want to bask in the calm."
She smiled ruefully at me and she sent to me her engulfing care.
"Hopefully, one day I can find a way to expel what my ability collects from others without pain and/or sex, but these methods are so embedded in me, since the first day I awakened that I don't know if it's possible. She is a masterful puppet maker, and I am her most successful creation," I uttered sadly.
They refuted these sentiments with their feelings of care and affection, reminders of their words and rebuttals, along with their evidence of how my capacity to manage my ability had improved over the decades since leaving the camps.
"We live long lives," Charlotte stated, mimicking my voice. "You say this often enough, Jasper. Even if it takes another five hundred years, I believe it's a goal worth pursuing, not for my sake or Peter's, but for your own. How can you find someone to trust yourself and your future with if your ability is mixed with violence and sex? If you don't change and work on this, then you're bound to repeat at least some of the unhealthy patterns that developed between you and Alice."
Groaning, I mock growled at her.
She smirked at me. "You know I'm right."
"Only Peter is allowed to have magical knowledge," I refuted. "One of him is more than enough."
They chuckled and the atmosphere lightened tremendously.
Looking at Peter, I told him, "You need to cover over my scent. I don't want to try and explain this to the Cullens."
"Worst order ever," he joked.
"You good?" I checked.
"More than good," he answered.
"Twelve hours max," I ordered. "I'll be here."
While Peter and Charlotte connected as a couple, I evaluated every inch of my inner world, in a similar way to how I had usually. It was strange to say, but the encounter with James had aided in my healing. Charlotte's observation had been dead on. I had taken the ways that Maria had shaped me, and instead of being an instrument of pain, had used her lessons to protect others. Yes, James won some skirmishes, and even a check, but I had kept my eyes on the prize and he had been the one checkmated.
It made me decidedly not a Cullen that his shock, most likely at being defeated, physical pain from being in pieces, and anger continued to bring me comfort. Him being aware and knowing that death was coming, rather than being something that was painful for me to remember, was something in which I could find pride. It was such a contrast. For once in my life, these emotions didn't come from someone innocent. Ending him had been more righteous than any individual before. It gave me a sense that I had done some good in the world, well, at least for Alice and the rest of the family. Many of my previous enemies emotions had been similar to James' and my determination to win had been similar, but how I felt about camp battles in comparison to the war with James was entirely different, so much so that they were nearly unrecognisable.
Acting to protect rather than harm had been like a bath to my soul. So much of the shame and disgust from those years with Maria had been washed away. There was some residue, but it no longer covered me like a thick skin. Blood, sex, and violence had been inexorably linked for a hundred years. I wasn't arrogant enough to think that it was only this action, like some magical light switch, which had separated them enough that they were distinguishable to me. What had happened in that room with James was the culmination of fifty years of hard work supported by the Cullens of taking those three elements apart.
Over the last fifty, each year had seemed like I had made no progress at all, but looking back it was clear that each caring act from the family along with my own dedication to change had made a difference. The washing away of almost all of my most apparent shame and guilt from my years in the camp was a tremendously unexpected gift as was my awareness of how beneficial the Cullens had been for me. Alice particularly had been healing me in a way that I hadn't even noticed until reflection. Being able to see Alice without the filters of my past was a wondrous gift from us working as a unit against James.
Despite the blessings, there was lingering guilt for how much Alice had been torn apart, and even more regarding Esme, as Alice had volunteered for our plan and Esme had not. There was even some lingering guilt in what Charlotte had been put through, even though it was far less than Alice or Esme. Despite the price they had paid was minimal in comparison to what they could have gone through, what they experienced weighed on me. They weren't my soldiers. I had kept my vow, but that reality wasn't enough to soothe my mind from calculating if there had been a less costly way. Nor was it enough to forget their pain, which tore at my heart and fuelled my guilt.
Truly, how I felt about Charlotte, Alice and Esme's costs had initially surprised me. More than anything it demonstrated that I had grown to care about them as people, to want the best for them, and to not simply see them as pawns to be used to win a battle. Initially the only people I had cared about were Maria, Lucy, and Nettie until it was only Maria and then Peter. I suspected that I cared about the welfare of all of the Cullen members, certainly Charlotte in her own right, and probably Bella too.
My first thought was that caring about that many people made me too vulnerable. So, I had to remind myself that being vulnerable no longer translated to leverages being available to be used against me. Some of Peter and my recent conversations flew through my mind. I was a civilian and part of a family, even if I was the veteran no one knew how to be around. The reality that they each accepted me, Carlisle had trusted me, and Edward had demonstrated his faith in me. Together it floored me. Never before had others had these emotions towards me without them being interwoven in at least fear and usually terror. It was a heady thing.
Good, but heady.
I attempted once more to use my ability on myself with no success. Peter and Charlotte had been onto something. I needed to figure out more regarding how my ability worked. Added to that, I mentally considered how to know my inner workings as well as I did others.
Naturally Peter was right on time, and without words I stood and we started walking back.
Taking a whiff, I teased, "What did you do, cover her in your jizz?"
"Yup," he answered with a wide smile, while Charlotte rolled her eyes with this air of 'can you believe this guy', but they both emitted being pleased.
My scent was mixed in with Peter's, but no more than could be explained by us hugging. However, my sense of smell wasn't the strongest.
"Esme has an excellent sense of smell," I warned Charlotte in case it had slipped her mind.
"Got it," she promised me.
"If this keeps up, I'll have to leave," I warned them, and then briefly pondered what that might look like before cutting it off, hoping Alice had been distracted.
"We go where you go, my lordship," Peter joshed with a straight tone, while his emotions and Charlotte's said that they both wished to remain with me.
We travelled slowly, enjoying the scenery and each other's company for many miles, telling stories and teasing one another.
At a certain point, I voiced my curiosity, "Why now, Peter?"
"You were getting all prickly," he answered truthfully, and then sounding a bit like Alice when she's all fortune-telling-like, he added, "We need to be an aid not a crutch."
"The peace us three together gives me is more refreshing than a strong healthy male's blood after a hard-earned battle," I admitted.
Charlotte looked over at me sideways, while her emitting emotions were slight disbelief. Peter accepted my words at face value, but then again he always had.
"Imagine Charlotte if you could have everything that brings you peace and fills you with joy at once. That's what it's like for me. What you and Peter share and how your feelings for me welcome me into your inner world is the most wondrous experience I've ever had as a vampire. If I could have it every day without end, I would."
She started emanating sadness.
"What's that for?" I questioned.
"Your words combined with your stories make it abundantly clear to me what a deprived life you've led. As a newborn I saw you as a man of such power. Everyone wanted to be you, so that we could have that power, but it was all a mirage created by Maria. I can see now how each day was a curse for you and how you might have wanted it to end."
"It did end," I stated softly with more affection in my tone than I had ever displayed, "Peter entered my life."
Her discharging emotions suggested that she had experienced an epiphany as a result of my words.
Even more softly, with a tone as if admitting my darkest secret, I confessed, "He saved me and in return I kept him alive and then you."
Peter grabbed my shoulder and tugged me towards him into a hug. Charlotte wrapped herself around the back of me. With intention, he took his forehead and pressed it to mine. Immediately his feelings flooded me. It was like he was remembering our near century together, as his feelings related to our connection changed every few minutes. Through this way of communicating, he told me that he might have started out taking care of me because it kept him alive, but that it morphed into more. He came to care about me for my own sake. His heartache and frustration was mixed in, as if he had grieved for me while we were in the camps. He worried about me. As the moments passed, I came to see that even though it didn't start out that way, he had come to hold me as his brother-in-arms. When his emotions matched the feelings he held for me at the end of our connection he lifted his forehead.
I sent him my gratitude and my feelings for him, which were swathed in my care.
"You haven't freshened your sire mark in fifty years," he whispered, as if speaking blasphemy. "Maybe it's time."
Searching his eyes and emotions for any doubt, I could find none. Nevertheless, I refuted, "We're not in the South anymore. Rivals don't need to be warned."
"It's not about that," he informed me matter-of-factly. Raising an eyebrow at him, he smirked and then continued, "We're on new ground. You're leaving the old behind. I've left the south version of myself behind. We're no longer acting in the patterns developed between us in the camp."
It took me a few minutes to get over how stunned his words had caused me to become. "It's gonna hurt," I reminded him.
"Yeah, the sharpness of your teeth and the sting of your venom is not something easily forgotten," he joshed.
With no other words spoken he turned around and tilted his neck to the left. Unwilling to hesitate and prolong his waiting, I bit him with the same precision and ferocity I had done when we had been in the camp. As had occurred in the past, I was unwilling to mar him in the way Maria had me. Consequently, I ensured that this bite matched the position of the original one and every one after exactly.
Carlisle biting Alice flashed through my mind.
Perhaps Peter's request was an expression of his need to choose me as his Coven Master, rather than him being in a position of powerlessness about it. Surprisingly, even though it made no difference in the eyes of the law, I found myself honoured.
He didn't flinch. Instead, his emotions were primarily contentment mixed with appreciation and his cocktail of care for me. They reminded me of when people attain something that they've hoped for and worked hard for.
I couldn't agree with him more. It had been a challenge to shift our relationship. We had managed to maintain the best of what we had forged in the camps, while reforming the rest into something new. Without doubt Peter had done most of the heavy lifting to get us there, as usual.
Removing my teeth, I licked the wound and straightened up.
He stepped forward and turned around with a smirk on his face, while Charlotte stepped back.
Starting to walk at a leisurely pace, he stated, "Yup, as much of a motherfucker as I remember."
Chuckling, I nudged his shoulder lightly in a playful manner.
He dodged it, naturally, which led us into a friendly tussle.
When it began to get a bit more serious, Charlotte asked us, "Do I need to come break you two up?"
"No, ma'am," we told her in unison, while we jumped apart and back onto our feet.
She shook her head muttering, "Boys" under her breath. Simultaneously, her emitted emotions were joy and gratefulness.
Moving so that as we walked she was in the middle, I sent them the emotional cocktail indicating how lucky I thought I was to have them in my coven.
We had travelled about 10 miles at an easy going rate when Charlotte asked me, "Would you be willing to cover Maria's maker's mark?"
Peter discharged a brief burst of surprise before it transformed into being pleased and happy.
"What is this? The get a tattoo of Jasper's incisors day?" I teased, trying to hide my shock.
Her request was unnecessary, legally. Yet, it demonstrated her desire to be equal to Peter, which pleased me.
She smiled bashfully.
"It'll hurt worse," Peter warned, "since he isn't your sire."
"Remember me telling you how Carlisle marked Alice?" I reminded them. "It wasn't very deep and he managed it with little venom. She said that it stung, but wasn't too bad."
After an elongated silence, Charlotte stated, "No, I'd rather you do it deep enough to obscure her bite and enough venom to excuse your scent within me."
"That will hurt like a bitch," Peter stated with a slight indication of awe in his tone.
"Worth it," she refuted.
"You sure you want to go against the Volturi traditions?" I joked.
"You've never been for them," Peter joshed back.
"Clearly I'm a bad influence," I pointed out with a wide smile.
"I agree with you, Jasper," Charlotte told me seriously. "The Volturi might be from ancient Greece, but we aren't. We three believe that each person's voice is valued and important. It shouldn't matter if Peter is my mate and he has tied himself to you. I am my own person, and I choose to be a member of your coven."
"When?" I wondered the awe of her passion and desire to commit herself to me of her own free will coming through in my tone.
"Now?" she requested.
I looked over to Peter and searched his top layer to see if he had any objections.
Over and over again he had insisted that she was her own woman and he would support her decisions. I assumed that this instance was no different. Certainly his emotions indicated such.
"Maria attacks from the front, in order to generate as much fear as possible," I reminded her.
"And you assaulted people from the back?" Charlotte checked, and then teased, "More honourable for the human to not see their killer coming?"
"The emotions were an improvement," I corrected her. Then with a smirk I added, "and anything to make me not like Maria was a plus in my book."
Charlotte shook her head and then admitted, "The more and more I learn about you and what it was like for you in her army the more appalled I am."
"It was vile," I agreed, purposefully having my tone light and teasing, so as to not burden the moment with my past.
"Why didn't you run away with us initially?" she asked, emanating curiosity.
"I still believed Maria's lies," I answered, while keeping unspoken that I had assumed another army would kill them.
I had never dared hope that they would survive, because if I did, then it would mean that decades of my atrocities could have been avoided. Facing that possibility was worse than accepting that another army had gotten them. I just couldn't have been the one to kill them.
Peter's thoughts must have travelled down a similar road as mine, because shortly after I spoke, he sent me forgiveness.
How I ended up being so fortunate to have him in my life astounded me, let alone that he came back for me.
"You certain that you want to do it now?" I checked.
She was secreting trepidation and anticipation, but that was to be expected. Mixed in, though, were determination and conviction.
Her voice was strong and sure when she stated, "Yes."
Peter came behind her and hugged her.
She tilted her head to her left.
"Peter's going to hold you," I informed them both. Then, keeping eye contact with her, I instructed, "Do not move. I am going to bite deeper than her mark, so it's going to take longer than Peter's and hurt a ton more."
She oozed out certainty and resolve before voicing, "Do it."
Peter moved slightly in order to secure her.
Slowly moving towards her, I sent her assurance and care. Coming closer, I evaluated how to not just remove Maria's mark but the venom left in the bite. Placing my teeth over Maria's Coven Master mark, I pushed in until my lips felt only smooth skin, all the while sucking in. Her emotions flooded me. There was pain, certainly, but there was also contentment, joy, and gratitude. After stopping my movement, I willed my venom to flow into her, imagining her being a human I was turning. Some instinct within me caused me to stop after about twenty seconds.
She had done a magnificent job.
Pulling back just as slowly, I looked into her eyes and asked, "How you doing?"
Doing so, I noticed that my feelings towards her had taken on a hint of protectiveness and possessiveness. The changes made it clear to me that I no longer regarded her as primarily Peter's mate, but as my underling. It was a strange adjustment, but one that would likely serve us as a coven well. Without a doubt, in a fight, I would protect her as fiercely as Peter, if not a bit more, since Peter could take care of himself.
Peter joked, changing his hold of her, so it was more affectionate than restraining, "Shouldn't you already have that answer?"
Smiling wickedly at him, I sent him humour. He was exceedingly good at getting me out of my own head and keeping me honest.
"Content," she determined. "It was a bitch, for sure, and it still stings, but I don't want your venom removed, so I'll have to put up with it."
"The pain should be gone before this time tomorrow," he reminded her.
"'K," she answered, moving so that she was more tucked into him.
I moved toward them, and gave Peter a hug, thereby surrounding her. These marks were the first in my life given upon request. Rather than being a statement of my ownership over another, it was an outward consensual expression of the form our relationships had taken. The difference was phenomenal. For the first time, the idea of changing someone, assuming that they wanted to be changed, didn't repulse me or generate a heaping ton of guilt combined with shame.
"I am proud to be your Coven Master," I told them both. "You two really are the best."
Then I sent them my feelings of them and how much they meant to me.
"The three amigos," Charlotte teasingly sing-songed.
"What did you magically lose your woman bits?" Peter teased her.
"Peter Whitlock," she scolded, looking exasperated.
"Anyway, Jasper's too fucking scary to be an amigo," Peter countered.
She sighed like she was irritated, even though we both knew she enjoyed the banter.
We started walking towards the house again.
About fifty miles later, Charlotte asked, "Will the Cullens wonder about the fresh marks?"
"Not mine," Peter insisted. "They're too human to notice, except maybe Carlisle. He seems to know a few things."
"And mine?" she pressed.
"Let them," Peter stated emphatically.
"They might, but they're unlikely to ask. I'll tell Carlisle after the family finishes sharing," I informed them. "He already knows that you're in my coven, so it shouldn't surprise him."
"And the rest?" Peter checked.
"Edward will likely read it in your mind. Alice probably saw your decision. Rose and Emmett won't care, and Carlisle will probably tell Esme," I stated. "In the rare chance they ask, I'll answer truthfully."
Peter nodded satisfied, while Charlotte said nothing.
We were about ten miles from the house when Alice came straight at us. She threw herself at me pounding on my chest. The quantity of anger and fear she emitted was overwhelming. Even when small cracks began to form from where she was hitting me, I kept my arms wrapped around her back gently, moving my hands in soothing circles, ensuring no skin touched, and used my ability to slowly bring her out of her fury.
Peter and Charlotte sent me concern.
Over Alice's figure, I locked eyes with Peter and indicated for him to leave us alone.
He nodded, pulling Charlotte with him telling her, "He's got this."
He trusted me. I trusted them. For the first time I had told someone my stories. Change had come. Alice's forewarnings had come true. Maybe even vampires really could change at our deepest levels. Maybe we weren't as set in stone as our physique made it seem.