Chapter 20: The Steep Cost of Winning
When Alice's fury finally dissipated enough for her to stop hitting me, she began rocking herself, moving from her heels to her toes. Nevertheless, her sadness was forefront and as strong as it had been. Over three hours later, the cracks were refitted together. It was like the sound of the last repair was a switch that froze her, except for her turning her her head to look up at me.
"Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry," she sputtered, moisture heavy in her eyes.
"It's okay June Bug," I whispered softly. "You did no lasting damage."
She nodded, but her sorrow and shame spoke volumes.
"None of that sweet Alice," I assured her.
She lowered her face once more and leaned her left cheek onto my chest. We stood together with her tucked under my chin and wrapped in my arms.
To help me stay separate from her feelings, I focused on my vision on the surroundings. The snow on the trees moved with the tree limbs, like it had become a part of the organism. It was interesting to consider how the snow blanketed the forest like a protective cover, keeping the freezing temperatures away. How the moon lit the snow, sending light in multiple directions, not terribly unlike what our skin did. Imagining myself like one of the trees helped ground me.
As more hours passed, she circled through many emotions, a lot of them on the darker side, while I attempted to keep myself calm and send her serenity. Interestingly, none of her feelings indicated that she was having a vision, or at least none that lasted more than a second or two.
Hours later, my voice full of my regret, I told her, "It is only now looking back that I can see how I didn't really give us a chance. So much of my past tainted how I treated you, and thus got in the way of us connecting in the way you deserved. I cannot apologise strongly enough for what I might have put you through over these decades."
Silence covered us once more until she broke it. "From before I met you, my visions gave me the impression of you being an easily frightened colt ready to bolt at the slightest sign of danger. Then again, so have I been regarding anything my gift didn't offer me. We have so much in common. You might have not been terrorised by a vampire when you were human, but you were terrorised by Maria, and upon her bidding terrorised others.
"You were the first thing that came to me that wasn't blood, death, or confusion. From that first vision, I wanted to save and protect you, as if saving you would have purged me of my own fear, but any decision on my part to do so ended badly. It was beyond difficult to watch you nearly die so often, let alone that there was nothing I could do about it. I can see now that the fear and helplessness those years deposited within me caused me, once we met, to fervently keep harm from you and to give you everything I believed you deserved, but had never gotten. It is not surprising that you took my desire to aid you poorly, given things with Maria. Also, Rosalie pointed out that even if my behaviours were root in my love and care, I can come across as controlling and wanting to mould others into my image. Please forgive me. If there is blame, then it lies with me also."
"There is nothing to forgive, June Bug. Your feelings came through clearly," I assured her. After a few moments of silence, I wondered, saddened that we were only finding the words at this point, "Why did we struggle to see these things and speak to each other candidly prior?"
"James changed us," she offered in a whisper. "Facing my past healed me, and facing a creature like Maria and ending him seems to have helped you. It is only with these past wounds beginning to heal that we can see each other and ourselves more clearly. I suspect that for most of our time together we were both in a kind of survival mode, and that's no way to have a relationship."
"How did you get so wise?" I teased, acknowledging my agreement to her words with my ability.
Our pasts had bonded us together and created the capacity for us to know each other in a way that others might not, but that didn't make the connection we formed healthy. Sure, we had cared about each other, but it was obvious in retrospect that we were each protective of ourselves, which had gotten in the way of us trusting each other completely. Sadly, our background caused us to look out for ourselves above all else. That was not what I had observed in other couples. It was ironic that neither my ability nor hers had given us insight into these presently glaring facts, which highlighted how we each relied on our ability too much.
"Rosalie and Esme," she answered with a smile. "We've been talking a lot recently. As I'm sure you deduced already, everything with James brought up Rosalie's past with Royce. I've mostly talked about myself in relation to how James impacted me along with my feelings towards you and Edward. And Esme has been working through how James brought up stuff from her human husband."
My muscles clenched in fear.
"I have kept your secrets, no reason to fret," she assured me. "Truly, what I've shared has been about me and anything that might hint at the extent of your ability beyond what you've already shared with the family I've kept to myself."
By this second statement of assurance, I had calmed for the most part.
She continued, "The conversations have been very helpful to me. Mostly, I've realised that just because time passes doesn't mean we change and moving beyond our past takes work. I've seen you do it, and am so proud of you."
Relaxing, I chastised myself for not trusting in her. She hadn't betrayed my confidence previously, and yet the fear of her doing so was present. It was something for me to work on. Unsure of what to say, my lips remained closed.
Sometime later she added, "For so long I have wanted quick fixes and external solutions. While you worked on meditation and finding inner calm, I just absorbed it from you. I want to change. I don't want to be who James influenced me to be."
"Then, you will," I assured her.
"Thanks, Jay," she offered, while sending me her appreciation along with her care for me.
"And I will support you along the way," I vowed.
She nodded and her body eased further.
We stayed in each other's arms, as she looked to the future. Assuming my musings of leaving triggered something within her, instead of saying anything, I made a decision to stay.
She said nothing. Rather, she indicated that she got my message by wrapping herself around me tighter.
As the sun was beginning to rise once more she finally spoke, "I love you Jay. Nothing has changed that. I'm begging you to stay. You know I can keep my thoughts from Edward. If you're worried about the sexual lust from the family, I'm sure the Denalis could help out. Even if Esme builds you a smaller house, and you live separately, anything, but please don't leave." Then, she sent me the emotional signature of the family snapshot that had included the fuzzy addition of who we came to learn was Bella along with her feelings of possessiveness. "Please don't ask me to lose you too," which combined, indicated that she perceived that she had already lost her visions for how she imagined things with Bella.
If I left, Peter and Charlotte would. She seemed to be insinuating that Bella would go with us. Given how Bella felt about Charlotte, that wasn't surprising. The most interesting part was that she was sending me her past feelings for Bella, even though she'd given up her claim. She had made her choice of staying a Cullen over being Bella's sire.
When I searched Alice for her present connection with Bella the feelings weren't nearly as strong as what she had sent. I suspected that Alice was trying to manipulate things to get the future back onto the course she wanted. My view contradicted hers. I believed that whatever future Alice had seen was gone.
Moving myself away from her, so that we were an arms length apart, I told her, "Of all people, June Bug, I don't fault you for your decisions. You remaining level-headed in the mines, and thus ensuring James' defeat, might not have happened if your human terror of him would have still been within you. You made the choice that most secured your survival. There is nothing wrong with that decision. It's one I've made over and over again. That doesn't change that choices have consequences and not all of the costs are you going to like. You might not have understood it completely, but I warned you that choosing to remove your human-born terror of James might alter your connections with others, myself included.
"Having never done such a thing purposefully before, I could not have predicted the outcome, except that changing feelings changes connections. These alterations and their consequences cannot be undone. That choice moved you emotionally away from both Bella and myself enough to choose the Cullens and Edward. You can't take it back. You might not like how the future unfolds as a result of your choices, but at least you're here to dislike them. That's the comfort I can give you."
Holding her gaze, so that she could see my seriousness, I added, "My needs getting met are my responsibility, and I get to decide what that looks like. In the future, I might choose to leave. Peter and Charlotte have swore their fidelity to me and expressed their desire to remain with me."
She nodded and her emotions said that she had seen that part with her ability, unsurprisingly, since it was a purposeful decision on their part.
"Thus, my decisions will also consider their needs. You choose the Cullens, June Bug, and all that means, the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. This time you might not be able to work it out so that you get it all," I warned her.
Her emotions were this strange mix of regret, sadness, resignation, and defeat. It took her a few minutes before she spoke, "The price might have been too high."
"Sometimes defeat has a far lower cost," I agreed with her. "Sometimes the price of winning is steep."
Her face fell and quietly she said, "You keep saying that our lives are long, and I, of all people, know that the future isn't set. You make it sound like friendship is the only option left for us, like you closed the door, even to the possibility."
Even though she probably didn't mean it, her words generated a sense within me to choose between her and Peter. Last time when faced with the decision to leave Peter, I had chosen myself, which had led me to Alice. As good as those years had been, what happened with James had altered me along with Alice, Peter, and Charlotte. In truth, all of the Cullens and Whitlocks, Bella included, had been affected, but certainly the impacts had been profound within Alice and me.
Trying to stay one step ahead of Alice, like I had worked at staying ahead of Maria, no longer appealed to me. It dawned on me that perhaps I had brought that pattern from Maria into my relationship with Alice. That was a horrid possibility, making me even more determined for Alice and I to find a new way forward. This raw exposure of ourselves to one another was a good starting point. But my assumption of her spilling my secrets indicated that I wasn't ready to trust her completely, suggesting that our starting point was foundational. The realisation saddened me. My reaction to Alice indicated the hard work I had in front of me in order to build the kind of relationships I wanted with not just Alice, but the rest of the Cullens. Hopefully the changes within each of us would create space for something new. If Peter and I as well as Charlotte and I could change our relationships as much it had, without doubt I could do the same with Alice as well as the rest of the Cullens, if we were dedicated to doing so.
Peter and Charlotte's sacrifices, in order to give me their complete surrender, were priceless. They had trusted me in a manner that had never been given to me before as a vampire, and held a strange similar emotional note of leading my troops as a human. Their request to be there for me was the least I could give them in return. Not to mention that since tasting the experience of being wanted, of being completely seen, including in my vulnerabilities, of being requested to be a Coven Master, rather my presence being forced upon another, what I wanted my future to hold had shifted to include them. What Peter and Charlotte had given me was too sweet and tender in its beautiful to be content with what had satisfied me in the past.
No longer did I want to keep everyone at arms length or further in the name of protecting myself. No longer did I want to imagine the worst in everyone and approach the world slightly paranoid. No longer did I want to imagine my relationships as a type of game, as much as they might had entertained me these past fifty years. In the mines it had been clear to me that my view of Alice had been distorted. What would we have been if I had seen her truthfully, rather than through the lens of my past? I had to wonder how much of her I saw clearly, if at all. Grieved at my ponderings, I decided that the solution was to get to know her as she was presently.
Before I could utter the words, Alice slumped, as if she had been defeated, and then emitting hope asked, "We will stay the best of friends, won't we?"
Her behaviour was odd, given my decision. After we all had gone through since encountering James in that field, I was even more convinced that the future, especially the distant future couldn't be determined, not even by Alice. Even though I completely disagreed with the finality of her words, I kept it to myself and instead focused on their content.
"Of course," I answered as if the question was silly. "I already told Edward as much."
I made a purposeful decision to improve the trust between us.
Alice a few seconds later emitted happiness.
She giggled and looked up at me. When she spoke, there was gratefulness and resignation. "You're more settled. This path is good for you. I am sad for myself, but happy for you." She paused for a moment and then begged, "I want to work on us too. No matter what, though, I'm begging you to please don't take yourself and Bella out of my life. That is a future I don't want to face."
"I can't promise anything, June Bug," I told her, "except that I will do my best."
She sighed and nodded her head.
If nothing else, it would be good to learn Alice as she was, without my past colouring her. I made a purposeful decision towards strengthening our friendship, hoping that would start us on our journey of generating more trust between us.
Her smile, while winking at me, told me that she had gotten my message.
The family had more debriefing to do, and improving things between Alice and I would take time, so there was nothing urgently left between us for the moment. With my hands on her shoulders, I turned her towards the house and be began walking leisurely with her.
After a few miles she confessed, "I've been getting to know Charlotte."
I hadn't observed that, so concluded that it must have been away from the house.
"I wanted to thank her for her role with James and apologise, so I caught up to her and Peter when they were going out to hunt one time," she explained. "Peter gave us enough space that we could have privacy. Initially she was on guard, but we were able to talk."
Keeping my trap shut, since she seemed to be in a sharing mood, I noted it as something to talk to Charlotte about, given Charlotte's opinion of Alice in the past.
"She wanted to know the outcomes I saw and how come things had gone down the way they had and accepted my apology," she expounded. "We talked a little about our own interests and hobbies in a way that we never have before. She's always been polite and welcoming to me, but it was more this time. She's a good egg."
Without doubt, Alice apologising would have been important to Charlotte. My mind couldn't help but add that Alice befriending Charlotte would help keep me and Bella near her. Stopping my thoughts, I recognised how I was assuming the worst of her. Maybe she enjoyed Charlotte's company and there weren't alternative motives. If I was really going to stop being paranoid, my thoughts about Alice seemed like a good place to start.
"I'm glad to hear it," I told her, attempting to convey in my tone my happiness at the connection. "She really is a good person and she was a better asset in the mines than I expected."
"She wasn't as upset about the whole thing as I expected," Alice divulged.
"The camps were horrid, June Bug. That's a low bar to surpass."
She acknowledged my words with a frown and then told me, "Charlotte essentially said the same thing." Alice stopped her movement and turned towards me, putting her hand on my shirtsleeve below the elbow. "I owe you an apology in how I allowed my visions to assume that I knew the atrocities of Maria's camp and what you went through. It is only upon reflection of what transpired with James that I could see how my visions only provided me the moments when you were near death. Most of that was on the battlefield, sometimes it was in the camp, and a few times that was at Maria's hands, but none of those moments told me what you endured all the other moments."
"Apology accepted," I gave to her easily. It's not like I had offered her my stories, either. Truly her lack of knowing me was more on my shoulders than her assumptions. So, I added, "I have some responsibility here too. I've kept my past under lock and key."
She nodded in agreement, but dropped the subject. Instead, she enquired, "How has James' broadcasting impacted you?"
Considering her question before answering, I eventually came to tell her, "I expected to be ashamed, or at least embarrassed about it. Instead, it allowed me to see the strategic advantage of my past. Others, particularly as they're likely to be members of permanent stable covens, viewing how no action is taboo to me in order to defeat another adds to my reputation. I suspect that's a good thing."
"Ashamed?" she repeated in question form, her tone indicating her confusion.
"What kind of man am I, as a victim of atrocities at the hands of a woman, let alone the evil I did with my own hands in her name?" I admitted, speaking the thoughts that had haunted me, since Rose had named me such, but had become especially loud in sharing my flashbacks with Peter and Charlotte.
"Gender has no bearing here. You are a victim. Full stop," she stated like it was obvious. "You were a newborn shaped by her. She took advantage of her role as your Coven Master and Maker. Men aren't less of a man if they are victimised," she insisted with a subtle growl. "That's a ridiculous idea. Abuse has to do with power. Maria had it. You didn't. She used her power against you. End of story. Gender has nothing to do with it."
"Okay then," I muttered, unsure of how to take her words, as they seemed very un-Alice-like and very Rosalie-like.
Without doubt, her words were logical. I came into this life knowing nothing, consumed by my bloodlust. Maria shaped me for her own benefit. And I, more than anyone, was well aware of how gender made no difference to her mistreatment of others. Alice was dead-on when she said it was about power. And power over others was what James had been all about.
Yet, there was something within me refuting this. Ideas about how men had to be strong came to mind. As we walked and I evaluated these ideas, it became clear that they had originated from my human beliefs. Peter's words came to mind regarding feeling it out, rather than getting tied to the ideas, especially when they came from our human years. I was struggling to get there, so put it aside for the time being.
After another mile in silence, I enquired, "Where's Edward?"
"At the house," she answered her tone firm, while she sent me pleading.
Clearly she wanted me to drop it. Whatever her motives, it was her own business. Nevertheless, if I were to guess, she still hadn't told Edward about her feelings towards Bella, or her insinuations that she wished for me to be her backup plan if things with Edward didn't result in the outcome she wanted. It was no way to start a relationship, in my opinion, and it occurred to me that she had probably done something similar to me. Without my gift I would have probably never known how she felt about him in those first years.
"Don't repeat our mistakes," I warned her.
As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt chagrined. Even if my words were from a good place and even wise, they had been said as a result of me once again assuming the worst of Alice. Despite my issues to work on, it would be a shame if after paying such a high price to win the war Alice returned to her previous patterns.
Alice seemed lost in her thoughts and visions, so we walked in silence.
I hoped for both their sakes that she had changed, and my assumptions were wrong. Then, I spent the remaining walk reviewing the emotions Peter and Charlotte had emitted during my flashback tellings.
We returned to the family already home, and Bella had already started her day, so the family gathered together once more.
Carlisle offered to go next, but apart from his own difficulties, particularly in allowing me to rescue Esme, there was no new information shared. In many ways, he sounded like he was in the hospital giving a colleague a run down. It reminded me of officers giving reports, including my own. It opened my eyes to ways we might share in common that had never dawned on me before. He spoke for even less time than Rosalie, taking only three days and the morning of the fourth.
Charlotte hung out with Bella before the next person started, while I asked Rosalie to go run with me. Emmett travelled with, but kept his distance. I led us to a majestic view.
"You told me that I was a victim of sexual assault," I stated as a reminder and start to the conversation. "Tell me what you know about sexual assault."
She radiated relief and joy, while she explained how abuse of any kind isn't about the act per-say, but about power. She described to me the recent human idea about coercive control in all its forms. She told me stories from the human world about boy soldiers and women being assaulted by their weapons. So many elements of her stories reminded me of Maria that it was shocking.
She was in the middle of what could have been an academic lecture, when the words could no longer be kept behind my lips. "Is this what you think of me?"
Her emotions shifted to disbelief and sadness. "I think Maria was the general and when you came into this world you were a newborn. Just like those men used and abused the boy soldiers and turned them into their weapons who were disposable, while they stood on the sidelines, I think Maria used you. You are nothing short of amazing to one, having left, and two, having remained moral. Almost all of those boys, even after the war, are near exact replicas of those who shaped them. You are an anomaly. It makes you the strongest, bravest, most amazing man I know." Then, she quieted her voice and told me, "Just don't tell Emmett." Returning to her usual volume, added, "And if Edward hears, I'll take off an appendage and hide it for a month."
"Yes, ma'am," I smarted back at her, my tone teasing. After a few minutes passed, I admitted, "I don't see myself that way."
She said nothing, as if giving me space, while her emotions indicated that my words did not surprise her.
Continuing on, I voiced, "Logically I can see where you're coming from, but there's this niggling voice in my head saying that couldn't apply to me, first, because I'm a man, second, because I'm a soldier, and third, because of the harms I committed."
"It took our encounter with James for me to finally shed my deep seated belief that I deserved what Royce and his gang did," she divulged.
"You couldn't possibly have deserved that," I countered.
"But the human beliefs in my community said that rape was the woman's fault, because she provoked it in some way, and even though humans have evolved their belief, it came with me into this life," she explained. "What James did to Charlie, to you, to Esme made it clear to me the truth in the world victim. Esme, Charlie, and Bella, especially, were helpless against him. I was helpless against Royce and his gang. I don't like being helpless as a result. When I was new to this life I decided to never be in that position again. I hunted them and made them helpless. I controlled my bloodlust, so that I would not be helpless against it. It has served me in some ways, but none of those acts, being a vampire, or my refusal to be helpless changed my human dying belief that I must have done something wrong to provoke them. In a way, my refusal to be helpless has been a battle I've fought against myself. I was trying to prove myself wrong."
"Wow, Rose, that's a lot of self-insight," I teased.
She flipped her hair and haughtily stated, "I know."
I started laughing and my laughing only got stronger. It lasted so long that Emmett came near, oozing worry. She must have indicated that it was fine, because he left shortly after.
Hours later when I calmed my internal world seemed lighter, like she had removed some of my burden.
"How did you stop the war?" I asked, deeply curious.
In a soft tone, she admitted, "I haven't completely, but I'm getting there. Talking to Alice and Esme has helped. They've helped me see how untrue and unjust the human beliefs about rape were in my era. They've helped me see that it's safe for me to leave the old me behind. I can let those false beliefs go and let them turn to ash." She paused briefly before adding, "Actually Alice's choices allowed me to see that even though she sustained great harm from James, her choosing to play along with him made her far less helpless than I had been."
"Thus, your request for combat training?" I confirmed.
"Yes," she agreed. "I might never agree to do what Alice did, but knowing how to fight and defeat others would help me tremendously."
"Let's start," I offered, wanting to end the conversation anyway.
"After," she disagreed. "First, tell me how you see yourself."
My first internal reaction was a hard no, but after her disclosures it seemed ungentlemanly to return the favour. I sent her my disgruntledness before speaking, so she would know my feelings on the matter.
"I can mentally agree with your assessment that I was Maria's victim. I was helpless in those first years, and by the time I wasn't, she had altered how I saw the world. She used that I had become something more than human to reinforce her views. She formed me into her weapon and set me upon others, all while basking in the destruction and harm I caused. I was her most successful creation, and I'm beginning to believe that was the case because of my ability. Before Peter I did not know that other's feelings were not mine. It messed with me in ways that her words didn't."
"But your gift is what caused you to become a vegetarian," she stated in surprise.
"Ironic, huh?" I voiced.
"Very," she agreed.
"Enough sharing," I insisted. "Let's spar."
She moved into a fighting stance. We sparred. When she moved her body in a way that would have given me an opening, I stopped, showed her the weakness, and then we would continue on. With each hour Emmett came nearer.
Eventually, he jumped in stating, "My turn."
The two of them were tuned into each other, but were a mediocre fighting team, so we spent some hours working on them fighting as a team.
"We should get back," Rosalie voiced, as the sun began to rise.
Without words, we all turned back to the house.
By the time we arrived the rest of the family and Bella were already assembled, likely due to Alice.
Edward decided to go next. He left out anything to do with what he learned via his ability, unless related to James or José. Edward spoke a little more like a story and less than a report, as Carlisle had done. Even so, it seemed to be just as difficult for him to talk about his feelings and reactions to events as Carlisle, but he did some. Mostly the information he offered was confirmation of James' depravity and José being James' pawn. Nevertheless, it seemed to aid the family, Carlisle and Esme the most, most likely because they were struggling the most with James' death.
The family collectively agreed to take a few days off.
Bella and Charlotte had wrapped Peter and I into a game of cards called Uno. It was silly, particularly as Peter kept pretending that he forgot the rules. Each time he did, Bella would give him shit. I swore he did it simply to rile her up.
The sun had set a few hours before when Charlotte interrupted the friendly banter to tell Bella, "We're home alone. How you doin' really?
"Lost," she answered after some contemplation.
We all looked at her confused.
She examined our faces and then spoke some more. "Look, maybe it's been like over a century since any of you have been human, or maybe you all are just used to being surrounded by death or something, but it's a lot for me to take in and adjust to. Charlie's dead. My mother has moved on with her life, is no longer my best friend, and I'm old enough to admit was never a great mother. My best friend is a vampire. Her husband and his best friend are mass murders and the three of you conspired and worked together along with Alice to kill James. I know he was vile and I'm glad that he's gone." Then, suddenly, like a dam had burst she started hyperventilating crying, while she choked out, "What kind of person does that make me?"
Charlotte grabbed her, picked her up, placed her in her lap, and wrapped her arms around her, all the while whispering softly in her ear, "That's right, let it out."
It took close to an hour before Bella calmed down enough to ask for a tissue. Peter had already gone and gotten a box. From the way he did so it seemed like a similar scene had happened at least once before. About fifteen minutes or so later Bella turned herself so that she was half facing us, her right cheek lying on Charlotte's chest.
"It's survival," I told Bella, once she was calmer. "He was a threat to you and yours. He wouldn't listen to reason and he wouldn't stop. What else is there to do than to project yours?"
She sat in her thinking look for a bit before she spoke. "Just because it was a kind of self-defence doesn't make my relief and even gladness at his demise healthy."
"You're happy, because he killed your Dad. He got his comeuppance and that pleases you," I hypothesised.
"Yeah," she agreed, blushing and oozing embarrassment.
"Me too," I confessed. "He harmed Alice as a human, caused the circumstances that resulted in her becoming a vampire, and then was hurting her again. He deserved death for those things."
My words altered her discharging emotion to relief and alarm.
"Vile creatures like James are what Peter and I hunt, human or vampire. I want my existence to make a positive difference in the world, and that's how I do it. The Cullens disagree, but to me there's no to little difference between the two. Except that, vampires like James are not stopped by the Volturi, unless they violate the laws. At least in human society the police step in," Charlotte voiced.
Bella looked up at Charlotte, examining her closely. When her head came back down she admitted, "I didn't know about that part or compare things in that way."
Peter's tone was surprisingly soft and tender as he told her "Our world is not a human one. It is a bit like going from a chimpanzee to a human. Are there similarities? Sure. But they are not even close to the same."
She blushed and emitted chagrin.
"None of that," I requested. "You cannot possibly know what it is like to be a vampire anymore than we can be expected to remember what it is like to be a human. We might have been human at one time, but especially how the three of us were made vampires left no room for humanity. The fact that we have retained morals and values is astonishing, as most in the Southern Wars don't."
"I want the world to be fair and just," she divulged. "And there was nothing about any part having to do with James that was fair or just."
"Fairness and justice are ideals, but not reality," I stated, my tone soft, in an attempt to lessen the blow. "It's valuable to strive for them, but as long as you remember that they don't actually exist."
"Killjoy," Peter teased. "No need to ruin the kid's innocence."
Putting my hand on my chest, I appeared appalled and attempted to present myself as innocent of his accusation. "I would never," I refuted.
"I call bullshit my dear Coven Master. I bet you'd be willing to deflower all kinds of Bella's innocence."
"Peter," I warned with a growl, uncomfortable with this form of his teasing in front of ladies.
Bella blushed profusely and the scent of her arousal entered the air joining her blood's fragrance.
"Maybe she wants you to deflower her?" he asked as if serious and then winked once more at Bella. "I mean, sure, if you're not into that you can let her continue believing in fairytales and happily ever after," Peter added as if he was chastising me, while he winked at Bella.
She giggled, watching the two of us as if enraptured.
Appreciating his lack of innuendo, I went along. "God, imagine turning someone like that. What a nightmare!" I exclaimed, through my hands in the air like the world had come to an end.
Peter and Charlotte chuckled at my antics and Bella smiled.
Then, Bella's emotions in the atmosphere became mischievous right before she uttered, "What Peter? You put the job onto Jasper because you're not up to the challenge of deflowering me?"
Charlotte tried to hide her smile, but her discharged emotions were full of mirth.
"Oh, I'm up to it all right," he teased back, "but I'd rather give the job to Charlotte."
The look on Bella's face was priceless and we all started laughing while she sputtered, "Charlotte?"
"Oh yeah," Peter uttered in a low throaty tone like he was in midst of having sex and asking for more. Continuing in that tone, he gazed at her, adding his vampiric lure, including his own scent to draw her in.
Bella's embarrassment and arousal grew.
"She's going to wrap her arms around you in a lover's embrace, tilt your head to the side, and then press her teeth through your barriers."
"Oh God," Bella muttered under her breath.
"No, oh Charlotte," he told her, persisting on. Then, in the commanding enticing tone of vampires, he stated, "Come here."
Charlotte gave him a warning glare and I growled in warning. Clearly neither of us were happy with him treating Bella in this way.
He paid us no mind in typical Peter fashion.
As if in a trance, she got out of Charlotte's lap and crawled over to Peter. Her eyes were large and glazed over.
Maintaining eye contact he returned his voice to normal and told her, "You wanting your father's killer dead only means that you sought justice or even revenge, both are because you loved Charlie and he was stolen from you. You are no longer a child. It's time to grow up and see that we can only do our best. The balance of scales are neither fair nor just." Then, returning to alluring her, he commanded, "Go back to Charlotte."
Bella turned around and crawled back into Charlotte's lap.
Charlotte looked at him in admonishment.
He stared her down, his emotions full of conviction.
After a few minutes, Charlotte's face softened, and Peter in a teasing tone, stated, "Come on, babe, give us a show. I'm sure Bella wouldn't mind being licked. I mean she's already begging to be bitten."
Bella blinked a few times and then turned to each of us. Eventually her eyes landed on Peter. "What did you do?"
"Tried to show you and beat some sense into you while I was at it," he responded in a jovial tone. Turning more serious, Peter told Bella with earnestness, "We all appreciate how you treat us like people, but it's important that you remember our differences. James could have done far worse. He could have used our lure to force Charlie to do the things he wanted. You were fortunately in a way that James liked to control people through violence. You were far more helpless in that situation that your mind can comprehend. It's important that you work through that before your change.
"Not to mention that our world is full of people who were robbed of their humanity, turned on a battlefield by accident, and lived in eras that held opinions you would find disgusting. Some have morals. Some have none. Some believe themselves God-like. Others, like us, try and keep a low profile. But the biggest difference between humans and vampires is that vampires don't actually need another vampire to get by. Humans do. One human cannot clothe himself or herself, gather enough food, create shelter, and the rest without other humans. Humans are interdependent by their nature. We are not. Many vampires enjoy others' company and sharing stories, but its an enjoyment that can be foregone. Some, like Laurent, join covens as a way to protect themselves against other vampires, but there is no loyalty like you find with us. We are the anomalies, not the norm. You asked to enter a world that is far more dog eat dog than you are accustomed."
Bella paled a little and became contemplative once more.
When it appeared that her thoughts had settled some, I told her, "Feeling vindicated isn't a bad thing, Bella. Being pleased that you got revenge only makes you flawed like the rest of us."
"And not a Cullen," Peter added petulantly.
The three of us laughed.
"Not a Cullen?" Bella asked, her confusion clearly written on her face.
"The Cullens tend to be a bit high and mighty and Carlisle is compassionate towards everyone, even James," Charlotte informed her.
"Even James?" she repeated, as if she had heard wrong.
"Despite what he had done to Esme," Charlotte confirmed.
"But there's something wrong with him," Peter added, "So, he doesn't count."
"Can I strive to be like that and still be a Whitlock?" she asked, her tone full of nervousness.
"You serious about me being your best friend?" Charlotte asked Bella, displaying her vulnerability.
"Of course," Bella answered like Charlotte's question was dumb.
"Pets aren't as attached to their Owners as Owners can be to their Pets," Peter stated, as if chastising Bella.
Bella looked at him in a cross between confused and offended.
"You remember me telling you that vampires are more governed by instincts than humans?" I asked Bella with a gentle tone, interrupting whatever nonsense Peter was going to say next. She nodded in agreement, so I continued, "For that to be true, vampires' emotions are more acute than humans' and they direct our actions more, especially when young, which is to say under a thousand years, which is a huge reason why Carlisle is such an anomaly. He, Edward, and Rosalie are beyond strange, because they use their minds to control their emotions, which is usually not possible for us youngsters."
Bella looked at me confused at my terminology, but that was to be expected. At 21 she was still an infant.
"You feel deeply for a human. Your connections are more interwoven at your core than most humans. You are steadfast and loyal."
Charlotte looked at me with a mix of appreciation and worry.
Peter portrayed his relief in his features.
Bella emitted so many emotions; it was like she valued being known in this way, while also equally embarrassed about it.
"But you being a strange human, doesn't make you a vampire," I continued, sending her compassion, so she would hopefully not receive my words as an insult. "If you examined your species as a whole, then you wouldn't be surprised by Charlotte's question or how your tone was offensive to Peter. You treat us like we're human on weird diets and with unique traits, as that helps you make being in the supernatural world comprehendible and within your mental capacity. We treasure it, don't misunderstand me, but to respond to Charlotte, as if she were another human is rude. Her fear that you are using her friendship to gain immortality is reasonable. Humans have done worse to gain immortality."
Bella bit her lip, something she hadn't done in at least two years to my recollection. Then, she turned to Charlotte and looked up at her. "You were my best friend before I knew what you were. You are an aunt, friend, mentor, and protector in one. I want to become a vampire because I don't want to lose you and you are one. All my life I've had a hard time making friends. I was the bookworm that the other kids thought were odd. And yes, before we have this argument again, college helped. There I found other humans like me and it was good for me, but you had my heart first." By the end she was crying, while her emotions oozed her sentiments towards Charlotte.
I took them and sent them into the room, so that both Peter and Charlotte could know how she felt.
"If you decided that I wasn't meant for your world, and our friendship needed to end, I would be devastated. Renee was never motherly towards me; you know that. You took that mothering role in a big sister kind of way. I look up to you and want to grow up to be like you." She took a deep breath to calm herself. "Jasper's right that I do this thing in my head in order to manage the fact that from a purely species way, I am your prey. In truth, living outside of the ravages of time scares me more than attracts me.
"Ever since Charlotte forced me to volunteer with the elderly, I've found them so interesting. They have such interesting stories and live every day with the awareness that it could be their last. I came to admire it over youth and the lack of wisdom we have. Maybe it's what I like about hanging with vampires – all the wisdom and knowledge you've gained over the years. Maybe it's a part of what I like about you three over the Cullens. The Cullens, as great as they are, seem certain in their immortality. You three don't. You don't seem to take things for granted. And I'm grateful to you, Charlotte, for loving me, and all that you've done for me." Then Bella wrapped her arms around Charlotte's midsection.
It was over ten minutes later when Bella pulled back some, and told Charlotte with strength, "Human or not, I love you Charlotte. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Not because you are a vampire, but because of how you have cared for me, taught me, and supported me. I'd rather, actually, if you were human. We could have babies together, raise them next door to each other, and laugh at our grandkids, but you don't have that option. I join you or what we have eventually ends. In my opinion, the kind of friendship we have is once in a lifetime."
"I see you as the little sister I always wanted," Charlotte admitted, "but I don't want my desires to hold you back. This life is difficult, dangerous at times, and often lonely."
"After all the time I've spent with the elderly, the one thing they've all told me is to cherish my friendships and to try and marry a friend," Bella divulged. "I can make other friends, sure, but no one can beat you."
"Bella duckling, my Southern Belle?" Peter teased.
Bella's face turned fierce red.
"Peter," Charlotte warned, and then at a tone below Bella's hearing warned, "stop being an ass or Jasper will be the only action you'll be getting."
Peter smirked at the girls, as if he'd won the day.
"Bella, Carlisle is certainly someone to admire in many ways," I told her, to which Peter snorted. "But some of those ways, like his compassionate temperament could get his coven into trouble. He could have commanded us to end James' coven on that first meeting, but didn't, because he assumes the best of everyone. On the other hand, that same quality caused him to make a treaty with the Quileutes. His greatest strength is also his greatest weakness, and one day someone might choose to use it against him."
Bella's eyes got big and she looked around at the three of us. At a whisper she requested, "You'd help him?"
"We'd stand with him, if it came to that," I agreed, "but anything could happen at any time."
"I can see what you're saying Jasper. Simultaneously, I see some of his qualities as well as those within Esme as worth striving to acquire," she stated.
"Don't want to become like me?" Peter teased.
"Maybe a little," Bella replied shyly, like she was trying to be diplomatic.
"Back to your original question, Bella," I stated. "Being a Whitlock means that I'd be your Coven Master, not the kind of immortal you'd become. I'm no Maria."
"But we can't have her be some vampire version of Jesus and that turn the other cheek bullshit," Peter insisted.
"Sure, she can," Charlotte retorted and shot Peter a glare. "We want you to be a Whitlock because you're my best friend. If we can put up with Jasper, we can manage having a compassionate coven mate."
"But Charlotte," Peter whined, and then grinned widely.
"But Charlotte nothing," she admonished. "She can be whoever she wants to be." Then, turning to me she asked, "Right, boss?"
Smiling warmly at Bella, I told her, "You can be whomever you want to be Bella, but I'd recommend being you. The world really doesn't need two Carlisles or Edwards or Alices or Rosalies or Emmetts."
Bella started giggling and then checked, "Esme?"
"Oh tons of Esmes allowed," I confirmed.
This only caused her to laugh and Peter with Charlotte to roll their eyes.
"Even if he's got a shitty way of making his point, Peter's right. The more you can see the truth of the world, both human and vampire, in its ugliness and its beauty the better off you'll be," I told her seriously.
"Beauty my ass," Peter rejected. "Only beauty in this world is Charlotte, and Bella can't claim her."
"Oh I have already," Bella teased back. "There's a part of her heart with my name stamped on it, and you can't have it."
He seemed to mull that over and then his tone serious, even though his emitted emotions were mirth, "As long as there's an equally-sized stamped Charlotte part of your heart, because I can share my girl, as long as I get in on the action."
Bella groaned and rolled her eyes. Then, with a smirk she retorted, "And here I thought you had already decided to have others take away my innocence. You can't have it both ways."
"Of course not! I know when I'm beat," he joked. "If Jasper here can give you an orgasm without touching you, and Charlotte knows how to keep Jasper in line, I'm kind of redundant. Ain't I sweet cheeks?"
With her eyes bulging out, Bella looked between Charlotte and I.
We all started laughing at his antics and he smiled, seemingly pleased at himself.
Bella moved back to her seat and we started playing the game once more.
After a few more hours, Peter went and got alcohol and convinced us all to play Uno with rules for declothing and drinking. His modifications caused us to laugh hard and play badly.
The more Bella drank the more she looked at me like a piece of meat she wanted to devour. It was flattering and off-putting.
Peter took advantage of her and my discomfort by adding minor sexual acts to the game. The three of us were mostly comfortable, although a few of the things were slightly odd between Peter and I, as we had never been intimate in a loving or showing love way. It was uncomfortable at times to do things to Bella, as her blood scent was still potent as ever, but by pretending she was already a vampire that I needed to treat like a human got me through my parts.
Bella never once indicated anyway nervousness when it was my turn to do something to her. Rather, she seemed to get a thrill out of it and be both pleased and turned on. Mostly I took note of the fact that she did not respond similarly to those acts with Peter or Charlotte, although she seemed to enjoy the teasing and friendly banter.
Peter and Charlotte lacked any doubt in me and my ability to manage my bloodlust around Bella. Theirs along with her implicit trust in me was beyond meaningful to me and helped me grow in self-confidence. If I could lick a human's skin, even it was Bella's, without losing control, then Edward and Alice's constant surveillance seemed like an overkill.
According to Charlotte, it was doubtful Bella would remember anything in the morning by the time she passed out.
Whether Bella did or not, she didn't say anything about it in the morning. Either way, I wanted to keep our antics from the family, so was appreciative of her silence.
At the time we had all agreed, the family came together once more. Bella and Esme exchanged a look, and then Bella offered to go next.