WARNING: Bella's telling contains descriptions of more horrible things that James did.
Chapter 21: War Changes You
Everyone stilled, while Bella spoke.
She had already shared most of her encounter with James in parts with Charlotte, so I doubted there would be much new information to me. I hoped that it not being her first telling would make the emotions less intense and tormentous.
"A text came in from a blocked number claiming that Charlie would be freed if I came. It also contained directions. Even though it was likely a trap, and none of their assurances were really guarantees of Charlie's release, I couldn't not go," Bella started, already tearing up. "I ended up at the old lumber mill and got out of the car, uncertain of what to do. Just like I told the police, a hand came from behind me with a cloth and put it over my mouth. Nearly immediately my body went numb and I lost consciousness. Upon awakening I was in the room where Jasper found me. There were camping lanterns, allowing me to see that Charlie, Esme, and James were in the room also, but the shadows did strange things and made everyone seem more menacing. James seemed giddy that I had woken up.
'Finally decided to come play,' James' voice rang out in an echoing kind of way that made it seem like he was everywhere at once.
'Leave her alone,' Charlie barked at him.
'That's up to you,' James replied tauntingly.
"At that point Esme moved, so that she was in front of James. However, she way she moved suggested that she was limping, which my brain was struggling to comprehend. They talked too fast for me to understand. As this was happening, Charlie came over to me. He moved me to my side, facing the wall, as my body was still numb and uncooperative. He placed his body around me, like he was a protective shield. I can't say how much time passed before Esme cried out in pain, accompanied by a nails on the chalkboard screeching sound. The next thing I heard were heavy footsteps nearing us. My mind imagined them belonging to James. Then, there was the sound of stone meeting bone. Charlie immediately grunted. It happened again, accompanied by a cracking sound, which I assumed was a bone breaking.
Esme pleaded with the assailant to stop.
In response there was laughter like her words were the most ridiculous request.
Then, there was that tone when you guys are speaking too fast for my ears. A far less amount of time seemed to pass before she cried out once more, accompanied by that same screeching sound.
Immediately afterwards, Charlie was wrenched from me and thrown against the wall. The drug must have worn off mostly, because I was able to move myself around and watched as Charlie crumpled in pain. My eyes confirmed that it was James, as he began to move towards Charlie. As soon as he did, Esme came over to me and wrapped herself around me protectively. Oddly enough it seemed like she had no hands. The one thing I could see was her shirt, but I heard James' threats regarding the twisted game he wanted us to play.
In this strange conversational voice James told Charlie, 'You seem to love that girl of yours a lot, so we're going to test that. I'm going to request you perform certain acts. If you comply, then I can offer your daughter a reward. If you don't comply, then I will do what you failed to do.' Then, he added, 'And if you interfere or fail to comply again I will take you apart and force you to watch while I brutalise these two pets.'
"I assumed the last part was directed at Esme. He commanded Esme to move. When she didn't immediately, he picked her up and threw her against the wall, and then positioned me into sitting against the wall. She came back to me, pleading on my behalf. As if he was very reluctant, and allowing her a small win, he permitted her to sit in front of me. At first it seemed like this was kindness on his part, but then his requests began.
In the beginning Charlie was told to do things to Esme like touch her on her arm. Each time Charlie complied I was given something: water, a bit to eat, an escort to a primitive place to pee. Once my basic needs were met, and Esme's hands were reattached, I was able to persuade Charlie to use some of these rewards for himself.
"We got as far as Charlie getting me a coat before the requests became more sexual in nature. Esme told Charlie it was fine, but clearly Charlie was uncomfortable. James claimed that he hesitated too long and performed the act on Esme in a way that was clearly painful to her. Afterwards, Charlie once more complied with the requests until Charlie was requested to give Esme oral sex. Charlie threw up, which resulted in James dislocating Charlie's shoulder. Esme tried to stop James, but he just hurt her again and then palmed Esme's crotch in a way that caused her to wince. Then, he demanded that Esme clean up Charlie's mess and left. After she did that, she brought Charlie over to me.
She told us in a human whisper, 'Whatever he asks, Charlie, I give you my permission. Even though it's hard for us, it's our best option. Our only chance of survival is to stay alive until the family comes.'
'We could make a run for it,' Charlie argued back, also at a whisper.
'None of us know the way to the surface,' Esme pointed out. 'And James has an accomplice. I suspect that this is an abandoned mine, which would create lots of unknown hazards.'
'In that case we should wait until he's distracted and take him down,' Charlie insisted.
'I'm no fighter, Charlie,' Esme said sadly, 'Bella is in no condition to help or protect herself, not to mention that James is especially strong.'
'Even for your kind?' Charlie checked.
"Both Esme and I were slightly surprised by the question, but she agreed that he was correct, and then she assured him, 'The family are on their way.'
"Charlie paused and seemed to be taking her words on board. After a minute or so he nodded in agreement and they stopped talking. When James returned he started back where he had left off and escalated. It seemed like Charlie's compliance annoyed him, so then James began having Charlie use both his hands, one for Esme and one for me. Any time Charlie messed up the instructions James would hurt Esme and him, like break his toe."
By this point tears were running down Bella's face.
Each time someone went to console her or even offer her tissues, I would shake my head at them and send them a warning through my ability. It was difficult to watch and hear, without a doubt, but the pattern of her emotions suggested that the telling was cleansing to her. Her getting it out was more important. Support could come later.
"When James instructed Charlie to use his fingers to touch us both down there, Charlie snapped, telling him that he would rather die than molest his little girl. James would use his hand to put pressure on Charlie until Charlie screamed in pain and then press somewhere else over and over, all while watching my reaction. Charlie never gave in. And I knew he wouldn't want me to plead to James. Although I badly wanted to beg James to stop, more than anything, I wanted Charlie to be proud of how I handled myself. So, I stared at James, working hard to keep my features as neutral as I could.
"When James came at me Esme begged him to take it out on her instead. He demanded that she strip waist down and get on all fours. He held onto her hair while brutally entering her over and over again. Esme stayed statuesque like he had demanded. With each thrust there was a sound like stone cracking and he taunted Charlie, demeaning him, and insisted that Esme would not be in this position of Charlie had only complied.
"After some time passed, James stopped, had Esme redress, and then started Charlie in the acts from the beginning again. This second time when James demanded Charlie touch me sexually, Charlie looked at Esme. She must have indicated something, because Charlie's face hardened and he refused once more.
"When Charlie went unconscious from the pain James inflicted the other guy came in, was told to move Charlie into another room to recover, and to bring him back when Charlie woke up. It was the last time my father opened his eyes."
Everyone looked at me enquiring if they could support Bella and I shook my head.
Just as her emotions indicated, she wasn't done talking, and about twenty minutes later stated, "I wish Charlie would have survived. At the same time, he died without compromising more of himself and his values than he was willing. He had a line and it was me. Esme's self-sacrifice and assurances to Charlie were astounding. Simultaneously, it was written in the small ways Charlie moved and acted that watching Esme be hurt, especially sexually assaulted was hard on Charlie. They agreed to do it for my sake, and I probably wouldn't be here to tell the tale without what they did, but that doesn't make it any easier on any of us.
"I'm glad that you guys voted not to change him, as difficult a decision as that might have been. The way Esme presented things made it seem like his actions were helpful for our survival, aiding him. This way he died believing himself a hero. If he had been turned, he would have been faced with the ugly truth that he had stood no chance. Added to that he would have been forced to live with what happened to Esme for all of eternity, and I'm not sure he would have been able to manage that as a vampire. At least this way he died with his honour intact, and that meant a lot to Charlie, clearly."
She took some deep breaths and calmed her tears.
"James then started requesting Esme do things to me," Bella added, her voice grieved. "She tried so hard to comply in order to keep me from being harmed, but her hesitancy to touch me in the ways he requested resulted in her getting more hurt and me injured. He was sick and twisted and I'm glad he's dead. It's a horrible feeling, to be glad that someone has been ended, but I am.
"Esme was right, as I was certain she would be. You guys did come and rescue us. Charlie died honourably, and although I miss him, I am so incredibly grateful for him and know he wouldn't have wanted anything else. I can imagine him so happy wherever he went in the knowledge that I'm still here. Peter taught me a difficult lesson recently, and it made me realise how much worse James could have made it for Charlie and I. All things considered, I left that room not too bad off. And Esme was incredible. She was brave and strong. She did her best to protect us and was harmed for her trouble. Her and Charlie are the reasons I survived, and I couldn't be more grateful."
Then, she got up and went over to Esme.
Esme opened her arms, and Bella went onto her lap.
They stayed like that for some time before Bella needed to take care of her needs.
The family needed a break anyway.
Privately everyone said something to Bella and hugged her. She kept insisting that it was Esme and Charlie who were the heroes. It seemed from the emotions Esme put off, that Bella's story helped create some healing.
While Bella slept, Peter, Charlotte, and I ran from the house and discussed the differences between what Bella had shared with Charlotte and the family, especially the differences my ability picked up, how the different tellings might have impacted her, and the best approaches to help her heal from the ordeal, so that she wouldn't bring her unhealed wounds with her into vampirism.
Charlotte argued that we needed to one, be upfront with Bella, two, let her make the choice, and three, give her as much time as possible.
From my psychology classes I had learned that it took humans on average 30 years to fully develop. The closer to that milestone the better, in my opinion, although Charlotte, once more argued that it should be up to Bella.
We were back before her usual rising time. Bella was already awake, eating breakfast when we returned.
"We're taking you out," Charlotte informed Bella.
"What about choices?" Peter teased Charlotte.
Charlotte glared at him and said, "Her choices are a vampire means of transportation or a snowmobile."
Bella smiled and stated, "Snowmobile, for sure."
"Great!" Charlotte exclaimed. "Meet you out front when you're done." Turning to Edward, who was in the great room, she asked, "Could you pack food for her next meal?"
"I could do that," Bella grumbled.
"But then we'd be leaving even later and there's not a lot of daylight this time of year," Charlotte pointed out.
"Fine," Bella grumbled, "be all logical and stuff."
Edward smiled politely at Bella and asked what she would like.
"Whatever you can make in 30 minutes, as that's when I should be ready," she informed him.
"No problem," he promised.
She smiled appreciatively back at him and quickened up her eating.
"Rosalie," Charlotte called out, "where did you put the snowmobile modified for Bella?"
"It's painted baby blue," Rosalie answered.
"You two get our three ready," Charlotte directed Peter and I.
He smirked and saluted at her.
I smiled and nodded, enjoying her being more assertive around me.
"I'll get Bella's ready," she informed us.
Close to forty minutes later Bella came out looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
Charlotte secured Bella's helmet on her and made sure Bella was ready.
We had gone out on the vehicles before, so Bella didn't need lessons this time.
Charlotte led the way with Bella trailing behind.
Peter and I did tricks and messed around, while also ensuring that we weren't too far behind. One of the disadvantages of the open tundra for ensuring we stuck together was how the wind moved scents and could lead a vampire around in circles.
Charlotte led us out of the plateau into the hills. When the trees blocked the passage, she piggybacked Bella, making it clearer why Peter was the mule for the backpack.
When we caught up with the girls they were sat at the side of a cliff examining the view.
"Any further up and I think there will be insufficient oxygen for Bella," Charlotte told us. "Backpack, please, Peter."
He handed it to her, while I sat down on the other side of Bella, and Peter sat down next to Charlotte before pulling her into his lap.
"Talk, Bella," Charlotte encouraged. "Remember that we've all done some of the worst things in this world. You can't shock us or upset us. There's no judgement here for your thoughts or feelings. It seems to me that what you said the last time we talked about this was the tip of an iceberg. Level with me, please."
Charlotte's words made a difference, as Bella's emitting emotions went from being peaceful and content to being in turmoil and containing shame, guilt, rage, and sadness.
"I'm so angry at James," she confessed. "There are moments when I want to resurrect him to have you torture him before he dies again." She sighed heavily. "Sometimes the anger is like a rage that possesses me. I feel a bit like when I exploded on Charlie, only worse." A few tears rolled down her face. "Even in that fight, he wanted what was best for me. He was taciturn and I barely knew him. Yet, he died protecting me. It's so heavy. How do I make my future worth his sacrifice?"
"He did care about you," I agreed, sending her Charlie's feelings about her.
"Yet, he was imperfect. He stayed in Forks instead of moving closer to you. He sent child support, but barely called. The lack of a deep knowing of each other is more on him and a little on you. Sure, you could have spent time getting to know him better. At the same time, he was a very straightforward guy. He liked fishing, watching sports, and protecting his town. Everyone liked him because he was fair. He was exactly on the inside as he showed on the outside," Charlotte stated and I sounded my agreement.
Charlie was like Emmett in that way - completely transparent and congruent.
Bella had tears running down her face, but she looked contemplative.
"Really what James stole from you," Peter added, "was Charlie's future possibilities, which impacts you tremendously, since you were his daughter."
The rage that exploded out of her impacted me. I immediately was in a defensive posture growling some.
Both Peter and Charlotte, nearly simultaneously, sent me their worry and tranquillity.
Bella looked at me with slight apprehension.
Deciding to attempt to aid her, with a smirk on my face, I baited her, "Come at me little girl. You're mad at us for not being faster and getting there in time to save Charlie."
Bella's apprehension grew and she looked at Charlotte.
At a tone meant to be a whisper for Bella, Charlotte divulged, "This is how our coven gets out our rage. The fight allows the release of the feelings. He's offering you his version of medicine. You might get bruised, though, even with all that padding you're wearing."
She seemed to mull it over for a few minutes.
I responded with another challenging growl.
Determination was added to her emotional mix as she stood up.
"Come and get me," I challenged her.
"Human speed," she demanded.
I nodded once and then at a moderate human pace flipped behind her and put my hand over her mouth like she had described had happened at the lumber mill.
Her emotions the contact picked up crashed into me, and in reflex I put them into a box.
Immediately, fear flooded her system, entering me also.
"You've already lost, little girl," I taunted into her ear.
She screamed from the depth of herself, and then in a surprise move, she dropped down to the ground and rolled away from me.
The smile that crossed my face at her intelligence I quickly hid.
She stood up and got into the fighting stance Emmett had taught her.
"You're nothing but a pathetic half-assed daughter," I goaded.
Her eyes that were usually so expressive had an emptiness to them, reminding me a little of a newborn consumed with bloodlust, and she broadcasted rage at a high dose.
Charlotte and Peter sent me a new cocktail that grounded me, allowing the rage to flow through me, rather than it filling me. It was a new trick, and something for us to explore later.
I expected her to act like a newborn and charge me. Instead, she dropped to the ground and used her momentum to move towards me. Caught off guard, I waited to see what she would do, trying to imagine the reaction time of a human. Then, her fist connected with my balls. There was slight discomfort, which shocked the hell out of me. In the seconds it took me to recover and notice Charlotte smirking and Peter's mouth hung open, Bella had stood back up and somehow jumped onto my back.
As my brain tried to figure out how to dislodge her without harming her, she stuck her fingers into my eyes, which actually hurt, and caused her emotions to flood me once more. Boxing them again, I focused on my other senses.
She had wrapped her legs around my torso, so throwing her off without breaking her legs seemed risky.
Jumping up and somersaulting, I hoped that the momentum would disorientate her. Instead it caused her to cling to me tighter, including digging into my eyes more.
I had to admit that what Emmett and Charlotte had taught her was quite effective, given her humanity.
Growling in warning to her, and somewhat due to my own frustration, I then carefully used my hands to pry her legs away from me, and then her hands. She landed in the snow on her backside with an "oof". I turned to face her and she stared up into the sky.
"Give me a minute," she requested.
It was actually almost twenty minutes before she moved once more. Her emotions had been like a jet engine coming down.
Right before she sat up, she sent me gratitude. When she stood she went over to Charlotte and sat down in her lap.
Charlotte wrapped her arms around her, and Bella let out a content sigh.
"How'd I do?" Bella questioned.
"You did me proud," Charlotte answered, the honesty of her words ringing in her tone.
I had sat down across from them studying Bella.
"Go ahead," Bella told me, "I give you permission to search me. It's the least I can do in return."
While I gave the most of my attention to my ability, my ears still picked up the conversation she had with Charlotte.
"That was surprisingly helpful," Bella mused.
"I'm glad," Charlotte replied, sounding pleased.
It took a few minutes for Bella to admit, "You were right. Even with what you and Emmett taught me, it wouldn't have been enough. It's one thing for me to know in my head that I stand no chance against a vampire. It's another to see it at work."
"Yeah," Charlotte agreed, her tone regretful.
"James really went soft on Charlie," Bella mused.
"To extend his fun," Charlotte agreed, "which allowed us to save you."
"I've heard the story from multiple perspectives now and my brain still can't process why you guys didn't arrive earlier," Bella admitted.
"Mostly it was due to the Cullens' need to hide events from the humans," Peter stated, his tone clearly irritated. "The humans move slowly and Carlisle needed to ensure that there were no curious questions."
"Which in the end saved us all from the Volturi wrath, since they were likely watching the entire time," Charlotte added, as if disagreeing with Peter's sentiments.
"So, in a way Carlisle's actions saved us all," Bella mused.
"You could say that," Charlotte agreed.
Peter mumbled disagreement under his breath, but nothing Bella would have heard.
At Bella's top layer she was sad, contemplative, appreciative, and disappointed. Searching deeper, the emotions were agony, heartbreak, anger, and gratefulness. Deeper still, they were affection, pain of loss, yearning, and sorrow. At the layer before her core the emotions were gratitude, regret, distress, affection, and guilt. Her connection to Charlotte contained an element of ardour tinged with devotion that hadn't been there before. The rest of the elements of their friendship had only grown stronger and more intense. Her connection with Peter had also been strengthened. The affection and fidelity in their make-up were new. Towards me she had added loyalty and fondness, intertwined with carnal lust, heaping loads of appreciation, and care.
Focusing back on the environment around me, I told Bella, "You still have a lot of grief to work through."
"Yeah," she agreed. Then after a few minutes of silence, she emitted curiosity shortly before asking, "Did I hurt you?"
"Nothing that hasn't already repaired itself," I answered, then added, "Your fingers in the eyes were the most effective. It was very distracting, took away from my concentration, and actually did some damage. However, if I had been a true enemy, I would have simply broken your fingers, so dig in deeper and stronger."
Her mouth dropped open and Charlotte smirked. When she closed her jaw she muttered, "Good to know."
Peter chuckled at her expense.
Bella, attempting to be sly, packed some snow in her hand furthest from Peter, and then threw it at him.
When it landed on his leg he scowled at her and she started laughing hard.
Taking the mirth she projected into the atmosphere, I then sent it to Peter and Charlotte. Very shortly after, the four of us were laughing heartily.
As Bella calmed, so did what I was sending out.
Bella smiled as she looked up into the sky.
"You honour him by being your best self, being as happy as possible, appreciating the joy in your life, and living honourably," Charlotte stated out of the blue.
"Took the words right out of my mouth," Bella agreed. "You sure that you're not a mind reader?" she questioned teasingly.
"You're an open book," Charlotte retorted, to which they both smiled widely.
"And how are you dealing with killing James?" Bella asked Charlotte.
"Reminding myself that he was scum, that he is to blame for my drinking from such a young child, and recognising that my past can be an asset," Charlotte answered.
"Good for you," Bella stated in a tone suggesting that she was proud of Charlotte.
Peter looked at Bella seriously, "It would be painful for us to lose you. Yet, Jasper and Charlotte here are thinking long term and wanting you to be your healthiest possible before your transformation. Please do the work to heal, because any sign of you at risk of death, I'm pumping you full of my venom, the plan be damned."
Charlotte let go of Bella, turned her face towards him, kissed him fervently, and then carefully moved herself away from Bella before picking him up and carrying him away, as she de-robed him.
"Guess that was a big deal," Bella chuckled with mirth.
"Nailed it in one. Peter cares about you, Bella. It's a huge risk for us to get attached to humans. As I mentioned, our emotions are more intense than humans, and so losing someone we care about has a greater impact to our welfare," I attempted to explain.
She looked puzzled.
"We can withdraw into ourselves, forget to feed, and become nothing more than a statue," I told her.
"Is that what everyone is afraid will happen to Esme?" she asked, interrupting me.
"Our vigil of her is how we show her that we don't want to lose her," I explained, "so, essentially, yes."
She frowned.
Getting back to my point, I continued, "Peter's been afraid for Charlotte, so some of him treating you sternly, pushing you, and testing you comes from those feelings, but more his declaration is his statement of how important you have become to him in your own right." After an elongated silence I added, "I don't think you can comprehend how big of a deal is for Peter, battle-hardened, traditional vampire, ass-hole, know-it-all motherfucker, Peter to care about anyone who isn't Charlotte or me."
Her eyes widened and then she mumbled, "That's a small number of people to care about."
"Like we've been telling you, vampires are mostly solitary creatures. The Cullens and Denalis are oddballs in our world," I reminded her.
She blushed just the smallest amount before telling me, "Thank you for fighting me. It really did help. And I have been mad, not just at James, but at everyone, you included."
"Carlisle has directed a lot of his anger my direction, also," I divulged.
She appeared shocked and sputtered a little.
"You two have a lot in common," I noted out loud, and then added, "For instance, you both feel guilty about being made at me."
"I'll take that as a compliment," she voiced.
"Or an insult, depending on how strange of a vampire you think Carlisle is," I teased.
She smiled widely.
"You being mad at me isn't going to hurt me Bella, the same with your anger at Alice will not hurt her," I pointed out. "What would hurt is if you weaponised that anger and used it to tear us down with your words or something similar. Let go of the guilt unless you've used it to hurt another."
She held my eye contact for a long time, frowned, and eventually nodded in a 'I heard you' kind of way.
We sat in companionable silence for over thirty minutes before she asked, "When you use your ability to search me, what do you learn?"
Establishing eye contact with her, I divulged, "Everything you feel, even things you've hidden from yourself, which includes your feelings towards others."
Her pupils dilated and her body began producing the hormones associated with fear.
It was highly ironic that spending time with vampires didn't generate this reaction, but rather being emotionally exposed did.
She then gulped, pursed her lips, and took in a deep breath before asking, "And how do you feel about my feelings towards you?"
"Honoured," I told her, "any guy would be."
She seemed to deflate and stuttering a little asked timidly, "And that's it?"
Smiling in a way intended to assure her, I said, "You don't know me yet. We aren't even really friends. Once we're friends we can revisit this conversation."
She looked at me as if she was puzzled and then stated, "You don't really know me, either."
"No," I agreed, "I don't. Having friends in common doesn't mean we really know each other. Even with my ability, I don't know you."
She smiled and then voiced, "But we're getting to know each other."
"We've been getting to know about each other," I corrected her.
She tilted her head and scrunched up her nose.
"Knowing information about another person, including their interests is an important aspect of generating a connection, but ultimately you can know a lot about a person and not really know a person," I described.
"Huh," she muttered.
The sun was moving closer and closer towards the horizon.
"Want to watch it set and you ride back with me or you ride yourself back before it sets?" I asked.
"Let's watch it set," she decided.
We sat in silence observing its descent. Once it was below land, I suggested a piggy-back ride to protect again the possibility of her tripping, which she agreed. When we returned to my snowmobile I got on with her still clutching onto me. While I turned it on, she changed positions and got herself ready.
By the time we were back to the house she was shivering.
"Anyone home?" she asked me.
"Esme and Carlisle," I told her.
"Esme," she called out.
Esme appeared in front of her a second later.
"Would you mind doing me a huge favour and running me a recovery bath with lavender?" Bella asked Esme.
Esme eyed her critically. "You got hurt?"
"Only slightly," Bella informed her. "I'm also cold, so I was hoping you wouldn't mind helping."
"Not at all," Esme agreed, "And I'll have a warm meal for you afterwards."
Bella smiled back at her, "That would be great! Any soup or stew or chilli would be stupendous."
"No problem," Esme assured her and then went to do what Bella had requested.
"Her helping you, helps her," I informed Bella, in case she wasn't aware.
She frowned, emitted a small dose of sadness, and nodded in agreement before asking, "Can you please help me get out of these clothes?"
"And here I thought we weren't at the undressing part of our relationship," I teased her.
She tapped my arm as if she were swatting me and then held out her right hand.
Carefully to not rip the fabrics, as getting products up here took time, I helped her remove her gloves, coat, boots, and pants. She took off the hat, sweater, and socks putting them all into the washer immediately.
Standing in her shirt, yoga pants and bare feet, I had to admit that she looked appealing.
"Thanks again, Jasper. I hope we can continue getting to know about each other, so we can come to know each other," she told me with sincerity before walking away.
If it hadn't been for her being human, including her scent and heartbeat, I could have seen myself returning the sentiment.
My feelings and reactions to her confusing me, I threw into the wash my own clothes and started it.
Going to my room in my boxers, I changed, and then went to the great room, sat in a corner chair under the stairs, and started in on a book.
After Bella finished her bath, she came down to the kitchen area and by the sound sat in one of the high standing chairs across from the island.
Esme and Bella could be heard chatting, and by my guess Carlisle was in his study reading.
"How'd you get hurt?" Esme asked.
Bella chuckled, "I attempted to fight Jasper."
"You," Esme sputtered, "What?"
"Yeah," Bella agreed, "dumb, but I was mad and Jasper agreed."
"Well done, Jasper," Esme voiced to me at a tone and speed beyond human hearing. And then changing her voice, so that Bella would understand her, she commented, "Jasper is the family's most skilled fighter. How did you fair?"
"He said that I hurt him some," Bella revealed, her tone revelling her own pride.
"That's impressive," Esme commended her. "I have yet to do so."
"Really?" Bella asked, her tone full of surprise.
"Jasper really is the best of us in that regard," Esme confirmed.
"Well, Emmett and Charlotte taught me all that I know," Bella explained light-headedly.
"Then, you fought dirty," Esme told her with a slight scolding.
"Well, I am human, so it's not really dirty, as I'm working against all odds," Bella corrected her.
Esme sounded like she was close to chuckling and then told her, "As long as you remember that after you are turned."
As if Esme's lighter tone called to him, Carlisle came down the stairs carrying his book.
I kept my eyes on the page, while sending him the emotions to invite him. He picked the chair closest to the windows.
There were the sounds of Esme cooking, and light chatter about the food, along with Carlisle and I turning our pages for nearly an hour before Bella abruptly asked, "Anyone new come home?"
"No, dear," Esme replied.
"Then, how are you doing, really?" Bella questioned.
There was no sound from Esme, as if she had frozen.
"Sorry, Esme, I shouldn't have asked," whispered Bella, her tone coated in her apology.
"No, dear," Emse refused, "I appreciate it. No one except Carlisle has dared to ask, although Edward, Alice, and Jasper possibly already know without having to ask. I wasn't offended, just surprised."
After a few minutes of silence, Bella nudged, "So?"
"I'm better than when Carlisle removed me from the mines, but worse than when I was a newborn," Esme surmised after a few minutes of thought.
"What's the hardest part?" Bella wondered.
"Coming to accept that me becoming a vampire didn't make me impervious to harm," she answered with a grieved sigh. Bella said nothing and after a few minutes Esme continued, "When you're new to this life you experience a sense of invincibility. Things that would have killed you as a human, like a moving train, wouldn't as a vampire. I struggled with the death of my son, knowing that I could never bear children, the fact that I had survived my suicide attempt, and the simple overwhelmingness of all the new sounds, smells, tastes, etc. What I feel now is similar, in that my foundations have been shaken, but it's also very different, because what has been shaken is my understanding and belief of what it meant to be a vampire. At least this time my relationship with Carlisle is solid."
"I think this is some of what Edward was trying to say in our conversations, well him trying to convince me not to be turned," Bella mused. "He seemed to believe that my attraction and request to become a vampire was from my desire of eternity or beauty or some such nonsense. He pointed out in multiple ways how the vampire world is, in fact, scarier and more dangerous than the human one. I struggled to see his point, but the way you explained it, helps me see what he meant."
A few minutes passed before Esme asked, "When was this?"
"When we were planning Charlie's and your funeral," she answered hesitantly, as if the words would hurt Esme.
"Ah," Esme muttered, her tone conveying that she wasn't hurt by Bella mentioning the funeral. "Edward as well as Rosalie hold strong opinions about being a vampire, each different and for their own reasons."
"And that's fine," Bella said, "but it has nothing to do with my own reasons."
"Which are?" Esme questioned, and then tacked on, "if you don't mind me asking."
"I don't mind," Bella insisted. "Love, plain and simple. I love Charlotte like a sister. She's the only person in my life that has ever felt like true family. I don't want to lose her, but more I don't want her to lose me."
"Lose you?" Esme questioned, sounding confused.
"Yeah," Bella reiterated her tone soft and tender, "everyone has told me how devastating it is for a vampire to lose someone they care about. I don't want that for her."
Carlisle froze and then looked over at me across the room, "Did you know?" he asked at a speed and tone outside of Bella's hearing.
I shook my head no.
What I didn't say is that it didn't surprise me. It fit within her character – a self-sacrificing person who was willing to endure pain for others. She was her father's daughter. After some contemplation, I came to the conclusion that she probably didn't see how much they were alike in these ways. As I reviewed the conversations with Bella about her transformation, it was easy to see that Bella presented it to Charlotte like it was what she wanted, most likely so alleviate Charlotte's guilt. And she probably only agreed to tell Esme to ease Esme's feelings.
I tucked confronting her about her transformation away as something for when we were alone.
Esme didn't seem to know what to say to that, and so continued her own story. "My human husband was abusive and nothing I did altered his mistreatment of me. It seemed like that to me with James. As soon as we arrived to the mines he rape me, and then told me that I deserved to be punished for disobeying him." She seemed to be taking deep breaths to calm herself. "If Carlisle wasn't such a loving husband, I might have believed him. Instead, I held onto Carlisle's words, and tried the best I could to interfere with James' plans."
"You saved me," Bella pointed out with gusto.
"Jasper and Alice did," Esme rebutted.
"No," Bella stated sternly. "They might have removed me, but you saved me. I would have been dead before they got there without you. You were right that they were on their way and we needed to bide our time. I owe you my life, Esme, truly."
There was silence apart from the sounds of Esme serving Bella.
Eventually Esme spoke. "Perhaps I brought from my human years the brainwashing from Charles that I couldn't do anything right, and the feeling of victimhood."
"You might have been a victim as a human and you were victimised by James, but in the end you used the power you had to protect Charlie, myself, and then Alice, Jasper, and Charlotte joined you to defeat him," Bella said with passion and certainty.
"I didn't defeat him," Esme refuted.
"You didn't tear him apart, maybe," Bella agreed, "but you stayed in that room and trusted them to end James, even though you didn't know the plan and you were being hurt. That makes you incredible, Esme. To trust them to such a degree is more than anyone could have asked of you, yet they did and you rose to the occasion. If you hadn't, none of you might be here now."
"It seems so little in light to how hurt Alice got, and how he raped Alice as well as Jasper," she spoke softly.
"He used your generous self-sacrificing loving nature to hurt them," Bella refuted, seemingly not surprised at Esme's reavealling. "You were his pawn to hurt Alice, just like he used me against Charlie, but from my understanding both Alice and Jasper had a good idea of what they were getting into and and would need to do to defeat him. There are so many other choices you could have made, Esme, which would have played into his hand. Instead, you chose to trust them. You are the best, most amazing person, and they are lucky to call you mother."
There was a long silence before Esme confessed, "I'd like to call you one of mine."
Bella's tears and sniffles almost covered up her words as she told Esme, "That is very sweet of you. Thank you." There were a few minutes of silence before Bella spoke once more, "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure," Esme agreed.
"When I showed up in the mines you were limping. How come?"
"He put a rock in my ankle, so when it fused together it did so around the rock, making my gait uneven," Esme revealled.
Bella sounded like she had stilled like a vampire for a few moments before muttered, "How diabolical."
"He was an evil man with possibly centuries of experience in how to harm others," Esme reminded her.
"That knowledge has yet to really sink in," Bella admitted. "To have such a long time to cultivate evil is," she paused a few breaths and then added, "ugh."
"It's part of what makes older vampires so dangerous," Esme told her. "They might not have the strength of newborns, but experience can bend things in your favour."
"Like the Volturi?" Bella checked.
"Exactly," Esme concurred. "Apart from their guard, it is doubtful that there isn't a situation they have not encountered and know from past mistakes how to get exactly the outcome they want."
Bella's in breath caught and then her voice shaky said, "Avoid the Volturi. Got it."
There was nearly thirty minutes before either of them spoke again.
Esme broke it. "Rosalie and Emmett are nearby. Tell me about your classes."
Bella seemed to accept the change of subject as she answered, "Turned in my last paper two days ago," and then continued talking about what she learned and complaining a bit about being online.
"Good to see you cooking," Rosalie told Esme, as they came into the house.
Emmett went into the kitchen and it sounded like he hugged Esme before adding, "Taking care of the human, huh? Maybe us getting a pet was worth the trouble."
Esme, Rosalie, Carlisle, and I all growled in warning at him.
"Touchy crowd," Emmett commented.
Bella giggled, and then scolded him, "I am a cherished guest, not a pet."
"Right," Emmett stated, like she had just schooled him, "Maybe us having a cherished guest was worth the trouble."
"Emmett," Esme warned.
"Can't win them all," he stated jovially, before announcing, "Shower time" and then carrying Rosalie to their room.
"Is that code for something?" Bella asked Esme at a human whisper.
"Sex," Esme whispered back with a smile in her tone.
"They're insatiable," Bella stated.
"Emmett never really fully grew out of being a newborn," Esme informed her, "neither in his strength or appetite, although he did eventually stop wanting an animal every two hours."
"God," Bella sputtered, and then muttered, "Better Rosalie than I."
"We are each a perfect match for each other. That's what being a mate means," Esme stated. "Carlisle is exactly what I needed and continue to need, just as Emmett is for Rosalie."
"Edward and Alice?" Bella questioned.
"Time will tell, I guess," Esme replied.
"Well, that's something you have in plenty," Bella said with a smile in her tone. Then, she went back to talking about her studies.
"I missed making you something special for Thanksgiving," Esme stated in a sad tone when Bella appeared to have run out of things to say.
"It's okay, Esme," she assured her, "there were more important things going on."
"When we're out of the human world it's so easy to not be in tune with those things," Esme commented with sadness.
"And we've all been distracted," Bella put in.
"I am sorry, though," Esme contracted. "I'll do better. Christmas is coming up. Tell me what are your favourite dishes and I'll make sure to have everything in the house."
Bella obliged without complaint or objection, I suspected out of some awareness that Esme needed this, as Bella didn't like a fuss.
When the family reconvened I went next, talking through the events, including explaining my understanding of James and why it had taken so long to find an opening to dismantle him. Between all the details, including what my ability picked up, and the breaks it took nearly seven days to get to the end. Like Bella, I praised Esme's courage and sacrifices. Everyone who hadn't been there was disturbed by the details of how James' use of me sexually apart from Bella. I tried to have the family members who weren't there understand the tactical advantage, but they wouldn't hear of it.
At one point Emmett burst out appalled, "And everyone saw that?"
"Yes," I stated evenly.
I might have been willing to share some of my history of sexual conditioning with Peter and Charlotte, but not with the Cullens.
"How?" Emmett choked out and then tried again, "How could you be okay with that?"
"I'm not," I answered, "but my objective was to get us all out alive with no pieces missing and James dead. I successfully completed my mission. That's what matters."
They were either in shock or struggling to find an argument to counteract what I said. Esme emitted a complex mix of gratefulness, sadness, and guilt. Alice, radiated guilt and shame. Bella oozing a cocktail that would be closest named as compassion moved, in a semi-crawling fashion, to me.
I had my left leg straight along the back of the couch and my right leg in a slight V.
She came between them, and put her hand on my shoulder. "What you did was especially self-sacrificing and I'm grateful. We are all here in one piece," she paused and looked around the room, "at least physically, because you were willing to do what it took. I admire Charlie and his unwillingness to bend his morals, but your approach is no less noble. He was a soldier before a police officer, and the two of you are so much alike. What you did is to be admired and appreciated." Then, with a quirky smile she added, "And anyone who says otherwise can take it up with me."
Gently, oh so gently, I wrapped my arms around her, as if giving her a hug, keeping my hands on her clothes. Having a human so close like this reminded me of crushing them, while feeding when I was in my first years, so I let her go quickly afterwards.
She looked up at me and smiled widely like I had given her the best gift, and then moved herself, so that she lay her head on my right inner thigh. Her butt skimmed my left leg, but in both places there was no skin to skin contact, so I didn't object. Within seconds I found myself running my finger through the ends of her hair, which was on my leg and a bit on the couch, making sure to not touch her skull.
The family stared at us and after a few seconds collected themselves, each agreeing with Bella's sentiments of gratitude.
It was ironic that she had pointed out qualities in me that I had noted in her. Perhaps it was a quality we shared in common.
The conversation transitioned to any potential fallout for the family from the viewers seeing James' treatment of us four. Speculations were made about potential Volturi upset, if laws had been broken, and particularly the chance of them checking in about Bella. The conversation wasn't any more productive than the last time we had it, and I stayed out of it, rising to find Peter and Charlotte when Bella stumbled towards her bed.
The family agreed to take a few days off again.
Alice decided this meant an overnight shopping trip to Anchorage with the Denalis. Emmett went, as he still didn't stray from Rosalie, and Edward did also for the same reasons. Charlotte got convinced to go, and Peter went with, but said he would run back after a meal. As far as I knew Eleazar stayed at his house, likely enjoying the solitude. Unfortunately, the risk of upsetting the Volturi was too great for Bella to go.
It was only a few hours after everyone had driven away when Carlisle sought me out.
"I need to thank you, Jasper," he opened the conversation with.
"For what?" I asked, putting down my book.
"You have been helping everyone heal from the ordeal," he stated.
"Not really," I disagreed. "I've helped Rosalie and Emmett some, along with my own coven."
"And Alice," he added.
"Not really," I rejected, as she had been mostly unwilling to speak about her feelings, brushing them and me off, "I think Edward has been much more instrumental there. Similarly, Rosalie and Emmett have done the work in healing each other."
"And Esme," he appended.
"No," I disagreed, "that has been mostly you and some of it the whole family. I haven't spent anytime with her."
"And Bella," he affixed.
"She's a part of my coven," I pointed out.
He flinched for a second in disbelief that I would claim her as such, but said nothing.
"And myself," he included.
"Against your will, you pointed out," I rejected.
"Jasper," he stated in a chastising tone. "You fought with Bella."
"I know how to modulate my strength," I defended.
"Have you stopped to consider how amazing it is that you, the feared Major of Maria's army, just essentially play fought with a human without lasting damage? My point is not to suggest a chastisement or condemnation. I am in amazement of your changes. When you came to us you couldn't even play fight with Emmett." Then, he smiled. "Remember when he played with Edward?"
"Yes," I answered gruffly, unsure of where he was going with this.
"You are not the same man who joined our family," he stated as if it was an obvious point.
"I'd hope not," I countered.
"Jasper," he stated with slight frustration, "I am trying to give you a compliment."
"Maybe it's not earned," I pointed out.
"Then, how would you describe it?" he asked, emitting curiosity.
"Discovering the man I would have been without Maria's brainwashing," I answered.
He paused and examined me closely before asking, "And how is that going?"
"Slowly," I answered truthfully. "How can I discover something that was lost?"
"Well, from the outside looking in, it seems like you're changing," he told me. "I can't say what you're changing into, but it does seem like you're softening your edges, that you're less hypervigilant, and generally more relaxed. You used your knowledge of how Maria worked to defeat James. And you've been using your knowledge and experience of recovering from battle to help the family. Even your request to tell our stories has been an aid." With a gust of relief he uttered, "Esme is healing."
"I'm glad," I told him, sending him my own relief.
"I was so afraid that I was losing her," he admitted. "I see now how my fear fuelled my anger towards you. I apologise for doing so."
"It's fine, Carlisle," I assured him, "I've had far worse."
"Without doubt," he agreed, "but that doesn't make my behaviour honourable."
"And you?" I asked.
"As Esme heals, I am doing better. There were moments, though, when I was afraid of my own thoughts and feelings. The desire to watch him suffer was so strong, as was the rage."
"All natural," I pointed out.
"Perhaps," he allowed, "but not usual for me."
I shrugged unsure of what to say to him. He hadn't almost lost Esme before. Of course he was reacting in a way he never had previously.
He seemed to be gathering himself and then stated, "I cannot express the words or even send you the feeling of what it means to me that you stepped in and stopped another assault from James. I am riddled with guilt for my gratefulness that it was you and not her. I don't wish you harm and would never want such a thing to happen to you." By the end he sounded as much in turmoil as his emotions had been these past months.
"Carlisle," I spoke softly trying to interrupt what was happening within him, "it was a horrid situation. There were no good choices. It was the best option out of all bad ones. You don't need to feel guilty for wishing no harm to befall Esme. I wish that I could have protected her more, actually. There were many places where I misstepped along the way. But that was not one. It might be hard for you to believe, but James was gentle in comparison to things Maria has done to me."
"I can't lose her," he nearly wailed. "I would lose myself if I lost her."
"Go to her, Carlisle," I instructed. "I forgive you if you need me to, but in my view there was nothing to forgive."
He looked at me for one long minute and then rushed out the door.
For the first time I considered that Peter had not only risked Charlotte, but that in risking her, he had risked himself. It was hard for men like us to stay out of the fray, since we were raised in it. I was astounded by the reality of how much he had trusted me.
When he got back home I told him so, to which he grunted his acceptance of my awe of him and replied, "Let's not repeat that."
"Agreed," was my response.
Maybe Carlisle was onto something. Even if I didn't have a sense of being different and still unsure of who I wanted to become, maybe my changes were significant enough to be observed. Then again, none of us were the same.
War changes people.