Chapter 23: Changes Are Compounding
As we reassembled, the atmosphere of the family was less coated by shame, guilt, sadness, and anger, although they were still present. It pleased me to note the changes, as I interpreted them as a sign of our collective healing.
As Carlisle vocalised, "We should discuss what we want to do about the threat James left us with," concern and a hint of fear oozed into the atmosphere.
It was if in the midst of the tellings and healing they had forgotten the consequences that we still had to face.
"No, first, we need to know what you four were doing upstairs," Emmett demanded teasingly, his temperament joined with his emotions indicating that he wanted to uplift everyone before we headed into another heavy topic.
Carlisle looked at Edward ever so slightly. Edward did one of his nearly imperceptible yeses.
"Mediating," Bella answered defensively.
It pleased me that Carlisle was going to allow Emmett's version of healing by avoidance and fun. Perhaps Edward had read my reluctance and concerns of where we were collectively. He was very considerate of us as a whole in that way.
"Meditating?" Emmett questioned, his tone suggesting something sexual in nature, but Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, and even Edward were curious.
Looking at Edward, I used it as a opportunity to ask, "Did you see anything?"
"I was trying not to look," he answered, "but when Emmett grew impatient I did check in with you mentally. It was like looking at the sun. The brightness blocked out everything else."
"Can I try it?" Emmett asked enthusiastically, and everyone chuckled.
After a moment of consideration, I turned to Alice and asked her, "Would you be willing to be the third?"
She uttered, "yes," at the exact moment Emmett asked, like my answer had been fascinating, "You need three?"
"It's a little bit like when I got to know each of you through my ability," I tried to explain. "I'm still working it out, and Bella was the first person I attempted to add. I've trained Alice how to quiet herself, and then how to meditate with me, so that when she and I would meditate, the feedback loop would cleanse me. My thinking is that I'll use Alice as my anchor, since you don't know how to do it."
"Peter and Charlotte do?" Carlisle checked.
"Peter was the reason I figured out my necessity to release the excess emotions that linger inside of me, because of my ability. His and my way was different than this, but the concept is similar," I explained. "Since joining you guys, and with your example, Carlisle, of finding times to be still, I played with the idea with Alice's help, and this is what I came up with. Every few days to a week Alice and I would meditate, so I wouldn't carry the family's emotions within me indefinitely, and then lash out."
Everyone bar Alice and Bella looked at me in a mixture of sympathy, gladness, and awe.
Ignoring them, and not wanting to answer their questions, I moved to the centre of the room and Alice came and sat next to me. Emmett quickly joined us copying Alice's and my posture.
"Since I'm going to use Alice as my anchor, my hand is over hers, so hers is under yours Emmett, and then yours is on top of mine. Upstairs with Bella, I visualised a circle allowing the energy to flow through us and ground me," I explained. "So, your job Emmett is to quiet your mind, still the body, and become still within. It's designed to be a counterweight to the cost of my ability. Alice says it calms her too, but honestly, that's a side effect. So, no hard feelings if you don't like it."
"That's cool," Emmett replied easily, his enthusiasm and excitement clear.
Going through Alice's emotions first, I found the level inside of her that was most pleasant for me, which ironically contained her changed connection with me and her growing connection with Edward. Then, experimenting in creating the loop in a different way than I had with Bella, I entered Emmett, enjoying his emotional state, but his enthusiasm made it hard to search him.
"Calm yourself," I heard Edward remind Emmett.
He didn't calm completely, but then Emmett was nearly always on the go, ready for the next adventure. It helped that through my ability I knew his inner world so well. Nevertheless, it took some time to find the connection between him and Alice. Once I found it, I created the circle in my head and moved the energy counterclockwise, like I had always instinctively done previously.
Emmett's energy was immense in comparison to Alice's, which was hugely dampened, no doubt due to the recent events. As a result, the energy felt like it was faster than a bullet when it passed through Emmett and at least a fourth that speed through Alice. It created a strange rhythm, so not nearly as rejuvenating as it had been with Peter and Charlotte. Not to mention how Peter and Charlotte surrendered themselves, drawing me in. Furthermore, the connection between the two of them was far stronger than between Alice and Emmett. We stopped when Alice's emotions changed, from experience, as a result of a vision.
Standing up, I took a few steps back waiting for them to bring their awareness back to the moment on their own.
"Different with a third," Alice mused, standing and going back over to Edward only a few seconds after me. "I do feel calmer, though. Thank you, Jasper."
"Sure, Alice, anytime," I replied, as her surface emotions weren't any calmer, if anything they were more in turmoil.
It took Emmett over five minutes to open his eyes. When he did he radiated how much he cared for me and saw me as his true brother. Then, he came at me, wrapped me in his arms, patted my back, and walked out the door. It had taken me tremendous strength of will to not react from his forward motion by defending myself. When the slightest brush of our skin occurred what he had been radiating filled me.
Rosalie looked at me curious and confused, and then followed out after him.
"That was beautiful," Edward commented.
Raising my eyebrow at him to explain, I sat back down near Bella.
"The longer it went on the calmer their thoughts became until there was stillness, not like no thoughts, but like their whole beings were focused on one element, a kind of oneness," he tried to explain.
It sounded like he was able to read us decently, which caused me to wonder if the difference had been Bella. Since Edward couldn't read Bella's thoughts, could it be possible that when she joined our meditation it obscured Edward's gift?
He caught my eyes and indicated a yes.
That could have been the explanation in how the energy flowed through her, rather it being her humanity. That's a powerful ability in a human, I realised, and then imagined how glorious she would be as a vampire. The images conjured made it quite obvious, even to me, that I found strong powerful women attractive. Bella's gift would make her powerful for sure. Would she have a strong personality to go with it? A not so secret part of me hoped so.
Edward glared at me, and I ignored his reaction completely, as it was ridiculous in my opinion. I had no intent to pursue Bella in that way.
"When you're ready, I'd like to try it," Carlisle informed me right before he stood taking Esme out of the room.
He exited so quickly that he might not have had the opportunity to witness my nodding in acknowledgement of his request.
Alice and Bella spoke a little, but the emotions flowing between them contained elements indicating tension. Alice's desperation for a connection with her appeared to cause Bella to be wearier. Shortly after they stopped speaking Alice and Edward went out of the house together.
Bella and I sat in silence for about twenty minutes before her emotions indicated that she wanted to ask a question.
"Out with it," I prompted with a teasing smile.
She turned to me and squared her shoulders, "Could you see us dating?"
For half a second my mind did not comprehend her question. I wondered if he had seen something in her thoughts before remembering that his ability didn't work on her. Next, the reality of her question and feelings she was emitting dawned on me. She was being extremely vulnerable, and I knew from Charlotte what a fragile person she was under her 'run with vampires' exterior, so tried to soften the blow by having my tone be jovial, "We don't know each other yet, remember?"
"Isn't dating a way to get to know each other," she countered with a smile, as if she enjoyed our bantering, although she oozed disappointment and a small amount of rejection.
She had a fair point and one that wasn't easily countered. Her logic along with her feelings caused me to not reject her request completely, so instead I offered in a serious tone, "Maybe after your newborn period is over."
She frowned. "Not as a human?"
Sadly and sending her my regret, I admitted, "I can't even hug you without remembering the thousands of humans I crushed and drank empty."
She blinked and looked startled, uttering, "Oh." Fortunately, the rejection disappeared and the disappointment lessened, while hope increased.
Then, with sincerity and seriousness I told her, "I live with the Cullens and have for fifty years. However, technically I am not a Cullen, as I am not a member of Carlisle's coven. Instead, I am a revered guest. Furthermore, by the letter of the law I am Peter and Charlotte's Coven Master."
She looked at me, frowned, and then confessed, "I suspect that the words you said do not mean the same as I would think of them."
Nodding in agreement, I added, "Us vampires live on this earth, but live by different rules, guidelines, laws, and natures than humans. We appear humanoid and were humans, but we are an entirely different type of creature than humans."
"While carrying over into being a vampire your beliefs and feelings," she interjected.
"Yes, that's correct," I commended, smiling that she had used my words to make her point.
"We have a kind of police force that ensures the laws and such are kept. Humans must die or be changed if they learn the truth about us is one such law. We have liberty of when, now that you are isolated from your own kind, but if these police were to see you talk with another human, even just to buy food from now on, then they would legally have the right to come and kill us all," I explained.
She blanched and then stuttered, "Okay then, no talking to other humans."
Giving her time to process that information, I remained quiet.
After eleven minutes she asked, "What about phone calls, letters, emails, like that?"
"Technically also prohibited," I answered.
She blinked a few times clearly trying to recover. When she did her words were soft, "How much more time do I have?"
"As long as you want, really," I answered. "For self-preservation purposes, I'm all for sooner than later, but for your mental and emotional development, the closer to thirty the better for you. Also, Charlotte thinks that it would help if you knew vampire rules, laws, etiquette, etc, not entirely, but a little before hand. Her theory is that the more mentally and emotionally prepared you are, the easier your transition would be, and I'm willing to test her theory."
She mulled that over. "I can agree to that."
"Most people lose the majority of their human memories during the burning, so Alice wants to help you create journals, scrapbooks, movies, anything like that," I told her.
"That's thoughtful," Bella said with a smile.
"Alice is a sweet and thoughtful person," I agreed.
"Then why break up?" she questioned, sounding confused.
"We are still really good friends. I claimed her as my companion and we enjoyed many years together. The mess with James caused us to grow apart. She thinks that Edward will suit her for the next stage of her life, so I gave them my blessing," I explained.
"You and Alice seem different than the others," she mused and then looked bashful.
"Alice and my abilities mean that we live in constantly changing worlds. Vampires, in general, are stone in nature. They change, but slowly and with difficulty. Alice and I have few aspects of ourselves that are like that, thus are the most unlike our own kind in these ways," I detailed.
She nodded like that made sense. She was still curious, but didn't ask her questions. About fifteen minutes later she thanked me for rescuing her.
"Just doing my job, ma'am," I replied with a smile.
"Maybe," she allowed, "but I still am appreciative." She took a breath and increased her courage before she spoke again. "I admire you, Jasper, not in a fan girl kind of way, but in the 'I think you're a great guy' kind of way. I can comprehend that there are parts of you I don't know, things I cannot yet understand, and parts of you that maybe no one knows. I also see how honourable you are, how loyal you are, how dangerous you can be to your enemies, and how devoted Peter and Charlotte are to you. I really enjoyed our chat and would like the opportunity to have more of the same."
Aware that she was speaking the truth, and hoping for more, I took the opportunity to ask, "Why did James' use of me not disgust you?"
"Any time a person is assaulted is disgusting," she contradicted, and then took a moment before adding, "but a guy on guy thing doesn't. He was into that, which is cool, I guess, no judgement about that part, and if you're bisexual, then that probably makes it easier for you, or not. Either way, what I'm trying to say is that people are attracted to whom they are attracted to and that gendered stuff doesn't get to me."
Eying her carefully, I asked, "What about the fact that I extracted information out of Laurent by using his sexual preferences against him, lulled him into believing I would be what he wanted, and then used that as a weakness to kill him?"
The blood on the surface of her face drained some. She took some breaths and gulps of air. Her emotions were many things, but not disgusted. The most interesting to me was her fascination.
When she was more collected she questioned, "Are you trying to convince me that you're some evil creature, because you used sex in war?"
"Humans have done it and do so presently," I reminded her, "and using sex as a tool in war is especially true in the vampire world. Our bodies are our weapons. Thus, sex, sexuality, and sexual appetites are often used as weapons. James liked to use people's connection and care for one another as weapons. Maria used sex as a tool to form me into her greatest weapon. I can trust your emotions, because I can feel them, but how can you trust that what I display to you, even send to you, is my true self?"
She frowned, after a few minutes got up and made herself sustenance, and then returned. She was halfway through her meal when she told me, "In truth, I can't be certain. I suppose it's possible that you have some long-term hidden agenda. Maybe it's naïve of me. Nonetheless, I trust Charlotte and she trusts you. So, I trust you to be a good man who has done deplorable things to survive. I trust that even though you might have been shaped into the ultimate vampire weapon that you will only use yourself in that way when necessary to defend yourself and those you care about.
"My hope is that you include me in that circle, not because I matter to Charlotte, but because you matter to me, and I want to matter to you. I could be wrong and you're playing the long con, and one day you'll burn us all, but when I look at you I see the values of a gentleman and a knight. Doesn't make you perfect or virtuous. You're flawed like the rest of us, trying our best. That was Charlie. He liked you, and that says a lot in my book, because he was a good judge of character. Hopefully, I got that from him."
"Fair enough," I allowed, having no other appropriate responses, as it seemed to be a good thing that she was aware of her own trusting nature. After a few minutes of silence, I added, "Just remember that living is one of the hardest things we can do."
And she smiled like she had won a skirmish, which maybe she had, but her words had been wise. She needed some time to be prepared like Charlotte wanted, but maybe she was one of the rare humans that finished her development early.
When she started asking questions about what the turning was like, the newborn year, and the like, Charlotte and Peter joined us, adding to my answers with their own experiences.
The conversation ended when Bella became hungry. She uttered a "thanks guys" on her way to eat it in her room. When she had left the room and had been at the top of the stairs, she had turned and looked at me. "I think you're wrong Jasper. I don't think you are a weapon. I think you can be a weapon. And I think you can become a healer, if you allow yourself to." With that as her parting shot, she walked down the hallway.
"Can we keep her?" Peter said with a huge grin.
"Shut it," I commanded with a slight teasing tone.
"Shutting it," he replied with a smirk.
Bella remained in her room for the rest of the evening. We three assumed that she needed distance in order to process the information we had given her.
Shortly after Bella left, Peter turned on a video game and we played for a while to pass the time, while Charlotte had retired to their room.
Just as we were turning the game off, Alice came in along with Edward. Perfect timing on her part, as usual.
Peter took a long look at them and went to join Charlotte.
"You want to chat?" I asked, taking Peter's leaving as one of his intuitive senses.
"Yes," Edward answered, seemingly for the both of them.
They sat on the sofa they had been sitting through the family tellings.
Looking at Edward, I asked him, "How are you doing?"
He looked slightly startled by my question, which was odd, as he usually read the thought before I asked.
"I honestly was hoping you could help me with that," he stated with a slight hesitancy and question in his tone.
You've never asked for my help before, I reminded him, while verbally questioning, "What's up?"
He looked down for a few seconds, and then at a volume unlikely to leave this space he told me, "I'm not accustomed to paying attention to my feelings or how others are feeling. I read their thoughts and act accordingly. Alice keeps focusing on feelings, and my answers do not satisfy her. We agreed to seek your help. Alice could see that you would say yes, but not the outcome."
I internally chuckled at how Edward tried everything to not have this conversation. It reminded me a little of my requests of Alice.
"You feel differently about different stimuli," I explained, figuring that it would be best to start at the basics.
"That seems logical," he agreed.
"Therefore, the more stimuli the more challenging it can be to parse out the feelings," I continued.
He nodded like that too made sense and I could carry on.
"So, where do you want to start?" I questioned.
He looked slightly startled, like he was expecting more preparation than to jump right in. He then sat up straighter and squared his shoulders, as if preparing himself to be courageous.
"James," he stated with certainty.
"Think about James," I instructed.
He closed his eyes, and from the tenure of the emotions was remembering.
As he went through his thoughts, I named the emotions he expelled into the atmosphere.
After about an hour I interrupted him. "Edward, you're dampening your feelings."
"I'm what?" he sputtered, clearly taken back.
"Imagine a piano with a heavy blanket around it. The sound is there, but it's being dampened," I attempted to explain.
He looked puzzled while enquiring, "How could I do such a thing?"
"Given the era you were born, suppressing your emotions was likely taught to you as a young boy," I described. "Added to that Carlisle's teachings about bloodlust." Then, I added, Try and imagine an emotion, any emotion, and focus on it until it fills you, then start your memories from the beginning.
Interestingly, he chose remorse.
When he went through the memories they was less dampened, but not all the way. Progress was the report I offered him, and then instructed Keep going.
All of a sudden whatever was keeping his emotions from their totality broke and his pure unadulterated rage filled the space. A growl left my lips involuntarily.
"Outside," demanded Alice, while simultaneously she, in a quick and near expert move, pinned his arms, picked him up, and deposited him in the snow.
He was snarling and kicking her, but as soon as she released him, he eyed me like I was the enemy he was gunning for.
As soon as she was a sufficient distance from us, I feigned an attack on him. Alice chose to retreat into the house, which seemed excessive to me. Without doubt, she had checked her visions and it was a decision based on what she had seen.
His feelings had him running on pure instinct, so he was a little like a newborn, demonstrating clearly how much he relied on his ability in a fight. Like my engagement with Emmett, I simply stayed on the defensive, working at not allowing skin-on-skin contact. A few times he caught Bella's scent and his bloodlust would spike. Each time, I took enough into me to keep him from focusing on hunting her. At one point, it seemed ineffective and he started to move towards her heartbeat. I purposefully got in his way and growled in a way that indicated to back off, the prey was mine. Fortunately, that was enough to get him to focus back on me. Hopefully, Peter's ability had warned him of the danger to Bella and him and Charlotte were on guard.
The sun was beginning to make an appearance, suggesting that it was nearly eleven, when he suddenly stopped and lay down in the snow.
"That last one was rage," I told him, sitting down a few feet from him.
There was a long silence before he spoke. As the time went on, the rage faded into desolation.
"There were so many futures where James killed one of you, most often Esme," he stated in a very low volume, as if he was afraid that saying the words might make them true, and his voice was uneven, as if trying to stop himself from wailing. "A few of the decisions that you considered left you ash, which often resulted in the game continuing in worse and worse ways, us having to rush in, and us all dying or most of us dying. It was beyond difficult to watch so much death over and over only for there to be a last minute change that gave a glimmer of hope. Alice has spoken about watching something similar play out before she met up with you at that diner in Philly. I thought by watching her memories I understood what she had experienced. How wrong I had been. I have never prayed so hard in my life, not even when I was sick dying or burning from the venom. No words can describe the absolute agony. Yet, I could not shown it. Carlisle knows me so well and the smallest indication would have made it worse by far."
His emotions, as he spoke, were like in a whirlwind, down, then up, then down deeper. The sensation of them were unpleasant, even though they were merely an echo of his memory.
Eventually his emotions evened a little and he spoke once more, "Every day I am grateful for our survival, appreciative to start a new dawn with us all alive, and in awe of how you did it. Maybe it was luck. Maybe it was God's Grace. I cannot say. I can say that when Alice stepped forward to confront James her death, according to her visions, was certain. She did it anyway. And you trusted her anyway. You believed that together you would find a solution, even though none was evident. She believed that the two of you would survive and bring Esme back, even though her visions said otherwise. Your faith in each other, certainty in James' demise, willingness to pay any price to end him, and hope were astounding. There was sublime beauty in watching the two of you find a way against all odds."
He seemed to pause in order to pull his emotions more into himself. Almost immediately that dampening effect was present, so I told him so.
He didn't acknowledge my thought in anyway, and continued, "You playing the role of a submissive turned on by a domineering male seemed to be the thing that turned Alice, Esme's and your deaths practically certain into a probable future. You agreeing to him penetrating you was really what tipped the scales and cemented the future where he was ended. I don't know how you were able to offer, especially given your mistreatment by Maria, or even how you knew that's what would help, but you were amazing. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for all that you did."
Unsure of how to explain, I simply told him, You're welcome.
"You don't have to explain, Jasper," he assured me, continuing to keep his volume low. "I wasn't just keeping close tabs on Alice. I was also staying tuned into you. Arrogantly, I believed that by watching the two of your thoughts that I would know when to send in the cavalry. In reality I wasn't needed at all, except to keep Carlisle from rushing in."
He gave me a moment to realise the implications before he added, "It was your comparisons between him and Maria that allowed you to consider options and to see paths none of us would have. It was also her conditioning that allowed you to know how to cater to him and play him. Thus, his defeat was only possible because of your experiences with her. I am aware that what I saw in your memories is only the tip of the iceberg; nonetheless, what she did to you, how she groomed you, was deplorable. I am sorry you went through that. Yet, I am not sorry that your experiences saved the family. That thought seems so deplorable. What kind of man am I that I am grateful that my brother was assaulted and tortured for more than a century?"
My desire was to force him to submit to me and pledge his allegiance much as I had Charlotte. Not wanting to be that kind of man anymore, I, instead, focused on his words, and then responded with You must know that Carlisle is struggling with similar thoughts.
"Yes," he agreed, "and it is why I have been avoiding conversing with you."
"It's fine, Edward," I assured him.
"You and Rosalie have a lot in common," he mused.
"Yes," I concurred, my tone indicating that I didn't want to talk about it.
"Except what you went through was far worse physically," he suggested, clearly ignoring my wishes.
"Her betrayal was worse," I pointed out, "and there can't be a comparison. No two people's experiences are the same."
"True," he muttered, as if he was lost in thought.
"And there is nothing shameful about being glad that I came up with an option that ended James," I told him earnestly. "Even if the reason for me being able to do so is ugly."
"None of us would have found a way, not even Alice," he told me. "It had to be you, and taking Charlotte with you was a stroke of genius."
"She was phenomenal," I praised.
"I don't know how you kept your past from Alice, and I don't really know the whole extent of what you endured, but in full disclosure, I should mention that Charlotte is the least skilled in controlling her thoughts, and some images have come through at times," he confessed.
It dawned on me that the combination of him being tuned into my thoughts and probably Charlotte's, although he didn't say so, would have painted him a fairly clear picture of my past. I growled in warning, fear of my exposure, based what he would have seen, overtaking me.
"Keeping your confidences is the least I can do for you, Jasper," he assured me. His earnestness and appreciation oozed out of him. "I have never told a soul of what I have seen in your mind regarding Maria, along with Lucy, Nettie, the newborns, or Peter, and I would not share this either."
He paused a few moments before continuing, "It was rough between us when you first joined the family. I interpreted your thoughts and scars to indicate that you were a danger to us. I was scared and distrustful in your sincerity to change. I saw you as a threat and treated you as such. The saddest part, when I look back at those years, is that you expected my treatment of you. It was the rest of the family's behaviour that puzzled you. My behaviour, as odd is it is to say, was the most familiar to you. But, I hope we have moved past that. You have more than proven yourself. Not to mention how over and over again you have shown that my estimate of you was misplaced. I am in your debt in a multitude of ways. Even without that, you can trust me, I swear it."
"As you can me," I assured him, his words sufficiently calming me.
"Alice," he stated evenly, clearly wanting to change the topic, closed his eyes, and then began reviewing his memories.
As with James, I named the emotions as they left him.
When he opened his eyes once more, I asked him curious, "What's holding you back with her?"
"Alice has a heart of gold, but she is ruled by the future she sees," he started. "When she has a vision that she becomes attached to, she acts in ways to make it come true. She's not a manipulative person, per say, but she does manipulate situations to achieve the vision she believes has the happiest outcome. It's hard to know if she's with me because of me or because of a vision."
It was something I had struggled with also, but said nothing.
"You and Alice in all appearances seemed like a good fit. I probably would have been the only one in the family who was aware of how the relationship between the two of you was good, but not quite like the other couples we know. I figured that was down to your gifts, rather than the match. Yet, I find myself wondering if what Alice and I would create would be comparable," he admitted.
"No two relationships are the same," I pointed out.
"True," he agreed easily, "but marriage is essential to me. It is a life long commitment and we live long lives. What if Alice sees something better than me in her future and leaves me?"
Seeing his dilemma, I told him, "Alice and I parted ways because the foundation we built was on shaky ground and the cracks began to show. We would have worked at repairing them if it wasn't for James. He changed us both as individuals in ways that made our relationship not fixable anymore. Added to that, we were both traumatised individuals who saw salvation in the other. We each only knew how to survive and saw each other as a life raft. The problem wasn't Alice or me, although I do think that some of my history interfered with our relationship more than hers. She couldn't completely be herself with me, because I was so distrustful of everything that wasn't Peter.
"You must know the hard work each couple put into the relationship in the beginning. And they continue to reap the rewards. You and Alice can create a similarly strong foundation, which will serve you both well. Not to mention that the encounter with James has changed her. Be honest with her. Ask her to be more present. You have the ability to see her visions and help her discern the best way to move forward in a way I never could. I think you and her could be amazing, but it will require work on both your parts," I warned him. "You are stuck wanting the expectations of your human years. You both have hang-ups like any individuals. If you can work through them, then you'll know that you will have a solid foundation. Alice and I never did, we just put them behind us, and it didn't serve us as individuals or as a couple."
He said nothing for a few minutes presumably lost in thought before he uttered questioningly, "How does an individual know if he or she has found a mate? Carlisle and Rosalie were drawn to their mates when they were human. Carlisle only knew a compulsion, like his life would be miserable without her. Alice and I have known each other all these years. How do I know if she's the one I've been waiting for? And if she is, how could I have missed it these decades?"
He already knew that I didn't believe in the concepts of mates, so considered what he was really asking. "I suspect that I was in the way," I confessed to him.
He looked at me puzzled.
"You're an honourable man, Edward. You would never go after a woman who was already with another man. And if you had any thoughts regarding your attraction to such a woman, you would condemn yourself and discipline yourself not to." I looked at him as if waiting for him to contradict me, but he didn't. "Thus, your ability to see the potential in her was obscured by my presence."
He considered my words for a few minutes before divulging, "Apart from the bloodlust thing, I've numerously wondered if Bella is meant to be my mate."
"Really?" I challenged, completely surprised at his revelation.
"Her mind is closed to me, which is off-putting, and very enjoyable in a way that I didn't expect. She and I have much in common, and I generally find her a lovely person," he revealled.
"So, are you scared that Alice is not committed or are you scared that you are not committed?" I questioned.
"Both," he disclosed with unease.
"It's good to be honest with yourself, and be honest with Alice," I assured him. After a moment's consideration, I told him, "Regarding Bella, I don't know a way to be certain of your connection with her until after she's turned. I believe that there are simply too many variables otherwise. It seems that despite your bloodlust that you're developing a meaningful friendship with her. Perhaps after her newborn period is over you could even consider dating her. She's a fine person."
Edward took in a deep breath, as if bracing himself to say something unpleasant, and looked at me seriously, "A fool can see that she is enamoured with you, maybe even in love with you. You've already won the girl's heart."
My shock was apparent. My brain was attempting to refute him. Surely, if she felt so strongly towards me, I would have noticed, especially when I had searched her when she joined the mediation.
"Peter's right. You really are dense," he teased and then laughed, as if it was a mighty joke. A few minutes later he calmed and told me, "I apologise for my outburst. Surely you see the irony that an empath doesn't see the facts of someone's emotions when they are clear as day. Bella is correct that she is an open book. Once I stopped trying to use my gift to learn about her and simply got to know her, it was quite easy to discern how she feels about others. And she is 100% hung up on you. I didn't even stand a chance to be seen. Everyone is nothing but a shadow to you."
"Charlotte is not," I refuted, disliking his belief that Bella had attached herself to me so forcefully. Certainly she deserved someone better than myself. It was like asking an angel to date a demon. The idea simply didn't go together.
He paused a moment before answering, "True. You are second to Charlotte." Smiling, he added, "Bella is an amazing individual. She attaches herself to those she cares about and holds on with all of her strength. She is loyal and her love is like a flame that burns hot and harms any who dare harms those she holds dear. You're a lucky man."
Sputtering, I attempted to find something to refute him.
"She has chosen you," he stated as if informing me the sun had set. "Be gentle with her."
"I am a brute," I uttered in horror. "Maria broke me and forged me. I am not someone who would be good for her. I told her maybe after her newborn period, because I didn't want to upset her, not because I thought that she'd take it seriously."
He stared at me hard, while nearly demanding, told me, "Than become better."
His words startled me, as he had never spoken to me in such a way. It was the closest to acting like a brother he had ever gotten. Taking the time to mull over his edict, it didn't take me long to divulge quietly, "I don't know if I can."
He frowned and then assured me, "You've already changed so much since you joined our family. You can. For her, for Peter and Charlotte, for yourself heal and change."
Not knowing what to say back, I remained silent.
After a few hours, and needing a change of topic, I told him, You've really risen to the occasion in managing the family's affairs with Carlisle focused on Esme. You've demonstrated growth. I hope you can see it in yourself. I paused for a moment to let that sink in before asking, "So, how are you doing?"
"Glad that monster is dead, less heavy, if that makes sense, but mostly you've given me a lot to think about," he told me.
"And you me," I concurred. After a moment, I teased him, "Try and feel also. Living only with thoughts isn't a great way to be."
He smiled slightly and promised, "I'll work on it." A moment passed and then he enquired, "How are you doing?"
"Healing," I stated with a smile.
"I'm glad for it," he smiled in return. "No man deserves it more than you."
"Peter," I countered.
"I'll take your word for it," he said, frowning, and then at even a lower volume added, "His thoughts indicate a devotion to you I have only seen comparable to mates."
"His ability allowed him to save me. It kept him from being burnt at his year mark, and resulted in us becoming bound as brother-in-arms," I attempted to explain.
"You're a lucky man, Jasper," he told me without prejudice.
"Thanks," I uttered, even though I meant it for more than his last statement.
His acceptance really showed how much he had changed also. It seemed like Carlisle had been correct, the Cullens really wouldn't care about my relationships.
Edward must have decided something, because a minute later Alice showed up. She jumped into his arms, a smile on her face, and he moved to catch her and then put her in his lap.
"How are you doing?" I asked her.
She shrugged, and then looked at me. "Glad James is ash, working at forgiving myself for not finding an option to end him without your sacrifice, and working at putting Esme's pain at James' feet."
"Those are not feelings," I teased her.
She grumbled and then stated, "Satisfied, sad, heartbroken, appreciative, and hopeful."
Edward and I chuckled.
She looked back and forth between the two of us. "Oh no, you two are not permitted to gang up against me."
We both changed our features to appear innocent.
The moment I sprung at her, she leaped from Edward's arm and began running. I was quick behind her and then Edward was right on our tails. I sent Edward my thoughts of how to capture her, and then made decisions, which led her in the direction I wanted. A few times she just barely escaped before Edward caught her, putting a kiss on her neck.
"Have fun kiddos," I told them running back to the house, pleased with my relationship with them both.
Bella had gone to bed by the time I returned.
"I took in Edward's bloodlust," I told Peter and Charlotte nearing the house, "I'd like to practice having you remove it by sending me your energy."
"Sure," they both agreed and joined me outside.
We stood in the snow far enough from the house that Bella wouldn't be a temptation, and I focused on my bloodlust. Immediately, I started hunting. Peter and Charlotte travelled behind me.
A few minutes later it was like my bloodlust decreased of its own accord, so I stopped hunting and told them, "It's working." When it was gone I told them so.
"As a precaution, I still should get some blood," I informed them, and shortly after took down a caribou.
"Anything to note?" I asked them upon my return to where they had waited for me.
We started walking back to the house, as they detailed what they had done. It wasn't really new information. It was good to know that their actions could contradict bloodlust I absorbed as well as that was self-generated.
By the time we returned Bella was eating breakfast. A few hours before sunrise Carlisle and Esme returned. After their showers, Esme came down and started cooking the next meal for Bella, while Carlisle retired to his office. Shortly after Carlisle requested my presence.
He opened with, "I was wondering if this mediation method might help Esme?"
"I couldn't say," I answered honestly.
His look turned serious and demanding. "I'm formally requesting for you to assist her," he stated his tone commanding.
The compulsion to agree was present, as was my epiphany about choice. "No," I answered softly, struggling to say these words.
"Why not?" he questioned, his tone curious and his emotions disappointed and sad.
There was such a strong desire to say yes, thereby removing this disappointment and sadness.
"The changes within her will be more authentic and permanent, if they come from her, rather than an outside source," I answered quietly.
His face was full of wonder, curiosity, but also anger and sadness.
"So, you could do something, but you won't?" he accused, his disappointment more clear with a tone of a commanding officer.
The ideas about choice circled in my head once more. "No, sir, I will not," I answered, this time looking him in the eye and standing firmer.
"Good for you," he answered with pride emanating from him. "Any suggestions you could offer?" he asked.
"To her," I replied, confused about his reaction.
"That's settled," he determined. "Please make some time for Esme."
"Why are you proud of me?" I blurted out.
He looked at me sad and serious, and then told me, "Because, Jasper, you were conditioned to follow orders. Even if I am not your coven master, you still hold me almost as one. If you can tell me no about something so dear to my heart, then you really have moved beyond Maria. No more following orders, just you living your life by your own moral code. It's a hard thing to do, and I'm proud of you for getting there, even if the events to move you in that direction were horrific."
"You tricked me," I accused before the words could be retracted, mostly because I was irritated at myself that I hadn't seen his counterfugue from the beginning.
"It wasn't a deception," he refuted, "I believed in your change and told you so. You did not believe me. I believed it strongly enough that I was willing to take this chance. In my estimate you do not see yourself clearly." With a soft sad smile, he added, "Although, yes, I did give you a little of the kind of forced medicine that you had given me."
"Thank you," I uttered, stumped for other words, completely taken aback at how wrong my judgement of him had been, and how distasteful his approach had been. If I hadn't already promised to not force someone to heal again, I would be completely turned off by the approach. Wanting to make it up to him, I promised, "I'll talk to Esme."
"I'd appreciate it," he answered with a slight smile, but he was weighed down by his worry and fear.
In so much of my life there had been no choice, because refusing would have meant my death, or I had been conditioned into an answer. Standing there, staring at him, honoured and in awe of his trust in me, I experienced a new emotion bubbling up inside me. If this was what freedom tasted like, then I was going to hold onto it with both hands and never let it go. I had to wonder if this constellation of feelings was what Peter had wanted to give me when he had returned for me.
Walking back into my room, it dawned on me how true Alice's warning that change was coming had been. My past told me that every experience, no matter how gruesome, had within it a nugget of opportunity that could improve a person for the better, if they allowed it. Alice and I had been changed by the events, but that was no surprise, given how our abilities inclined us. However, Edward and Rosalie's changes came out of left field, as did Emmett and Carlisle's, but to a lesser degree. Maybe it was that as some of the family changed, the others were required to adapt in order for us to remain united. Being a family member meant being less of an island unto myself than I ever had been in my existence, but the benefits far out weighed the costs. Maybe Edward had been correct. Maybe I had even more potential to change.
My introduction into this life formed me into a weapon, but somewhere along the way I had become the wielder. I had started out being a soldier following orders, but had become my own general. It was a challenge to imagine who I would be in another fifty years. Bella's challenge came to mind. She likely had a point. I could be a healer as much as a warrior.
What I wasn't was an ambassador or diplomat. But as much as the likes of Carlisle was needed, so was I. Sometimes the world was a dirty place and someone had to do the ugly work. I'd rather retire in oblivion, but a soldier could never truly completely put down the sword. Whether at peace or at war for the first time in my life I had defied an order and found the feelings of freedom. It was a gift I hadn't even known that I needed and acquiring it was worth every loss I had endured in James' game.
I liked being a man who could defy orders.
My future had never been brighter.
A/N: There will be a one chapter epilogue next