A Bump on the Road
A Loud House/Casagrandes one-shot
A.N.: Based on a drawing Jose Ramiro did of Lori Loud for my birthday. This story is set in a universe parallel to my "Weird Sisters" stories featuring the gang from Hey Arnold; instead of the events that occurred in that series, history has taken a different path, and one Lisa Loud has come into the possession of a sample of alien spores… with surprising (though not so much if you've read the other stories) consequences for one of her siblings.
Royal Woods, Michigan
Loud Residence. The "Loud House" if you will.
"Really, eldest sibling, I do believe you're overreacting," Lisa Loud suggested. "Apart from certain… complications…"
"Complications? COMPLICATIONS?" Lori retorted incredulously, her voice muffled by the layers of blankets she'd sequestered herself beneath. "A rash is a complication. A bruise is a complication. This… this is literally a disaster!"
"You're being overdramatic," Lisa responded dismissively. "None of your physical mutations are life-threatening… in fact, it's quite likely you'll outlive us all by hundreds of years!"
"H-hundreds?" A fresh set of wails came from beneath the heap of blankets.
"At least. Probably closer to thousands. Don't worry, you'll likely stop aging in your mid-twenties or thereabouts, so the infirmities of advanced geriatricity shouldn't be a concern…"
"How is she?" Leni asked, arriving with a plate of food. "Do you think maybe she'll eat something today?"
"Seeing as she is utterly immune to any sort of conventional injury or illness, she's fine. Physically," Lisa responded. "Emotionally… well, see for yourself. Though I fail to understand why my reassurances fail to penetrate her mood."
"Yeah, I can't imagine why," Leni replied with an uncharacteristic twinge of sarcasm.
"Perhaps you'll have better success," Lisa recognized. "Despite my… ahem… considerably advanced intellect, I would be remiss in failing to acknowledge that my, to use the vernacular, 'people skills' are notably subpar. It is my belief that your interpersonal skills far outstrip mine."
"Huh?"
"*sigh* You're… smarter at emotional stuff than I am."
"Oh," Leni said, blushing.
"Yes, well… occasionally, I forget that emotional intelligence is a kind of intelligence as well, and when it comes to that, you're the family genius."
"Awwww!" Leni gushed, setting down Lori's breakfast to embrace her diminutive sister.
"Awp! Excessive displays of affection, my one weakness!" protested Lisa, squirming.
"Too bad," Leni replied. "Take it like a champ."
After Lisa finally managed to squirm free, Leni entered the room she and her sister still occasionally shared. She'd been on winter break from Fairway U when the… incident had happened, and it looked very unlikely she'd be going back… in fact, it was up in the air as to whether she'd ever leave her room again. Or even her blanket cocoon.
"Lori," Leni prompted. "I've got breakfast."
"Go away," Lori demanded. "Monsters don't eat breakfast. They eat… I don't know… people or cars or stuff."
"That's too bad," Leni said. "Daddy made all your favorites… scrambled eggs, bacon, English muffins…"
"…with raspberry jam?" asked Lori hopefully.
"And fresh-squeezed orange juice…"
"Gimme." A trio of blue, clawed hands emerged from the pile, grabbing the food, glass and utensils and retreating back into their plush sanctuary. Sounds of the food being greedily devoured came from beneath.
"So… do you think you're ready to come out of there now?"
"*burp* Just because I was really hungry doesn't mean I'm ready to face the world."
"I mean… you're gonna have to use the bathroom eventually."
"I'll worry about that when the time comes. In the meantime, I'm not going anywhere."
"All right, well, I'll be here if you need anything. Seeing as y'know, I also live in this room." I cathered her discarded utensils and turned to leave, when her phone went off. "Oooh, it's Bobby!"
"Leave it," Lori replied miserably. "I can't talk to him right now…"
"Oh, come on… you've been blowing him off ever since the change!"
"Exactly! If he sees me looking like this, he's going to dump me for sure."
"Oh, that's silly, Lori! Remember when you were so worried when you got that bad haircut, and it turned out to be no big deal?"
"…I think this is a little bit more that a bad haircut." She sighed. "It's killing me not to answer him, but I can't face him like this."
"Well, if you feel this bad, how do you think he feels?"
"What…?"
"I mean, think about it. You two Face-Time practically every day, and all of a sudden you're not talking to him? Maybe he thinks you're mad at him, and he did something wrong, but he doesn't know what, so he has no idea what to do to make it up to you… or worse, that something horrible happened to you…"
"…which it did…"
"That's behind the point."
"Beside."
"Behind the beside! Wait… does that make sense? Oh, who cares. The beside is, I think you owe it to Bobby to at least let him know it's not his fault."
The blankets rustled. Lori's hand once again slid out from beneath. "Give me the phone, Leni."
"You're gonna call him? EEEEE!"
"Yeah, yeah… you're right. He deserves to at least hear from me. Y'know, Lisa was right. When it comes to stuff like this, I think you are the smartest Loud."
"Oh, you heard that?"
"Yeah, my hearing's totes insane now. I can literally hear Mr. Grouse snoring next door."
She took a deep breath, and redialed Bobby. Here goes…
Great Lakes City
Casagrandes' Bodega
Bobby Santiago groaned as his call went to voicemail for what seemed like the millionth time. He was way off; it had only been a few dozen. He'd lost count a long time ago, at any rate.
"She's still not answering, Bobby?" his grandfather asked.
"*sigh* I don't know what I did, Papi. Is it because I was five minutes late for our talk Friday? Did I text her with not enough kissy emojis? Or was it… too many?!"
"Women are a mystery, Bobby," the old man said. "Believe me, I still don't understand them and I've been married to your abuela for almost fifty years! The best you can do is try to understand. You'll probably fail, but at least you put in the effort, eh?"
"But how will I ever know what I did wrong if she won't talk to me? Maybe I should drive back to Royal Woods and see her in person… but wait, what if she's mad because she thinks I'm too clingy?"
"Don't second-guess yourself, hijo. It'll drive you mad. If she needs to talk to you, she's going to talk to you…" Just then, Bobby's phone went off with Lori's custom ringtone. "See? Papi knows what he's talking about, eh?"
"Lori? Babe? Are you all right Did I do something? What did I do? Can I fix it? How do I fix it? Please, tell me! You know I don't do well with the silent treatment."
"Bobby! Calm down. It's okay. Well… it's not okay, but it's nothing you did, so don't worry about it."
"Oh, that's good. Wait, no, that's not good! What's wrong?"
"It's… kind of a long story. The short version is that one of my sisters' experiments went very wrong and that's why I can never show my face in public again."
"It can't be that bad!"
"Bobby, I'm blue."
"I know you're sad, babe, but I'm sure it won't be forever. What can I do to make you smile again?"
"*groan* No, not blue as in sad, blue as in my skin is literally now blue."
"That... actually doesn't sound too bad…"
"That, and I've got this thing in the middle of my forehead…"
"Lori, it's no biggie, I've seen you with a forehead zit before…"
"It's no so much a zit as it is an… eyeball."
"…excuse me?"
"I'm saying I have a third eye in the middle of my forehead."
"H-how does that even happen?"
"I'm sorry, have you met my sister? She's literally like something out of that old cartoon that we used to watch."
"Oh yeah, we used to joke about that… Jenny Photon, right?"
"Yes, on the Victrola Network! She used to have that robot cat, Capek… I loved that show." A bit of nostalgia was creeping into her voice.
"Well, I'm sure your new eye is as beautiful as your other two," Bobby said hopefully.
"*sigh* Oh, Boo Boo Bear… you're sweet… but I can't lead you on like this. We… *sob* We have to break it off."
"No way! Look, I don't care what color or how many eyes you have, what we have is stronger than just what you look like!"
"I'm sorry, but… you deserve better than to be permanently chained to a freak. It's not just my skin or my eyes. That's just the start. I have horns. I have a tail. I have extra arms. I have wings. I have messed-up organs and blood and everything. I'm… I'm not a person anymore, Bobby, and I can't have you wasting your life with someone like me."
"But Lori! I don't care if you have two heads or three butts, that doesn't-" He was cut off by the sound of Lori ending the call. "Aww, man…"
Hector Casagrande stared uncomprehendingly at his grandson. "Did you just say she has three butts?"
"Maybe," Bobby sighed. "She didn't get into that. I wonder which one the tail would be attached to…"
"A tail too? ¡Ay, que mundo loco estes! What is going on in that house of hers?"
"I don't know… but I do know that she's real down on herself and she thinks she doesn't deserve to be loved."
"Well, that's just nonsense. Everyone deserves to be loved… well, if they're good people. Not serial killers or people running dog fights or something like that. Lori, she is good people."
"I know, I just wish I could make her see that."
Hector rummaged in his pocket. "Here." he said, handing him a pair of keys. "Go to her."
"Are… these the keys to the delivery van?"
"Par can use his scooter for the smaller deliveries. The rest… well, this is for love. Money can wait! I can't believe I just said that."
"You're the best, Papi!" Bobby said, hugging him.
"Just remember, you're paying for the gas! I know exactly how much is in the tank, and it better be exactly that much when you bring it back, comprende?"
Royal Woods
In the hours since she'd broken it off with Bobby, Lori had finally emerged from beneath her blankets – not because she was feeling any better about herself, oh, heavens no, but because after two days beneath a blanket without showering or changing clothing, things were starting to get a bit… dutch-oveny.
In that time, she'd finally given in to hygiene considerations, and changed out of the remains of the clothing she'd been in while changing, showered, and changed in to some clean clothes that Leni had altered for her.
For their part, her family had been doing their best to cheer her up… not just Leni, but Luna, Luan, Lincoln… all of them… even Lynn had been less… Lynn than she usually was. She'd even seen a rare smile from Lucy, which may have been worth it all by itself.
Had she done the right thing? Bobby only wanted to cheer her up. It was cruel to cut him loose the way she had, without even letting him see her. And yet, wouldn't it be crueler to leave him shackled to a hideous creature like herself? What kind of life could the two of them have together? She'd had it all planned out; a successful career as a pro golfer, lots of kids, travelling the world once they were grown… well, there was no way any of that would happen now. No, it was better this way. Hiding in this room for the rest of her life, as everyone she cared about grew old and died while she remained eternally young and monstrous… She shook her head. It was not a pleasant eventuality to dwell on.
*tak*
Her ears twitched. The sound had come from her window.
*tak*
And again. Either that angry squirrel who hated her had returned, or someone was trying to get her or Leni's attention. She dragged herself over to the window and peered through the blinds-
Bobby? HERE?
(Aw, he came all the way up here to see me!) Didn't he get the message? (That is so like him!) She didn't want him to be stuck with her! (I should go to him!) Maybe if she ignored him, he would go away…
"Lori!" he shouted. "I know you said you don't want me to see you, but I couldn't just give up on, you, not after everything! I don't know if this is gonna work, but I saw this in an old movie, so I figured I'd give it a try…" He held up an old portable stereo, and began playing some old song from the 80s. It was soooo cheesy… so cheesy that her heart (hearts, she reminded herself) couldn't help but melt into an equally gooey mess.
"You can come up," she said.
"What?" Bobby called over the stereo.
"I SAID YOU CAN COME UP!" Lori shouted. "Just… be prepared. It's… it's not pretty."
"Aww… he's doing the stereo scene from Do Whatever it Takes!" Lynn Sr. gushed. "I'm telling you, this'll crack her. There's no way on Earth to resist this level of cheese."
"Certainly worked on me when we were dating," reminisced Rita.
"I SAID YOU CAN COME UP!" Lori's voice shouted from her room.
"See?" Lynn said. "I told you."
She awaited Bobby on the edge of her bed. She wore a white tank top (Leni had added snaps in the back so she could put it on around her wings) and khaki shorts (a hole had been added to accommodate her tail). She'd not done much else to make herself presentable, other than brushing her hair (makeup seemed pointless given her new complexion).
"So, hey," she said as Bobby entered. "This is what I look like now."
Bobby looked hurt. Ugh, here it came. Sure, he talked a good game, but when he got a good look, he was going to run for the hills.
"You lied to me," he said.
"What?"
"You said it wouldn't be pretty. You lied. Chica, you are hot."
Lori's cheeks blushed a deep royal blue. "You're… you're kidding, right?" she sputtered, incredulous. "Have you seen me? Fangs! Horns! EYEBALL!"
"So you're a little different. I've changed too! I've got this luxurious mustache now!" He indicated the barely visible bristles on his upper lip.
Lori, in spite of herself, found herself stifling a chuckle; even with her enhanced vision, she could barely make it out. "Oh, yes," she said. "Very manly."
"There. There it is. There's that smile."
Dangit. This was just what she had been worried about when she invited him up. Her resolve was crumbling like old cookies. "Bobby… this doesn't change anything."
"Why? I want to be with you. Don't you want to be with me?"
"More than anything! But… I can't ask that of you. This… doesn't have a future."
"Well, why not?"
"Because we're too different. You're human, and I'm… not."
"I'm okay with that."
"I'm not going to ever be able to leave this room looking like this."
"I don't see why not. If anyone gives you trouble, I've got your back. Your fam's got your back. My fam's got your back too. You shouldn't have to be afraid of anything."
"I… well, maybe… but what about kids? We both wanted them someday, but that's not gonna happen now, seeing as I am literally the only one of my species."
"So, we can adopt."
"…but… that's… huh… that's true. We could. But! Lisa says that I might live for thousands of years. And that I'd never grow old."
"Really…" Bobby paused to consider this new information. Was this true, or was she just saying it in a final desperate attempt to drive him away? "Oh, I've got it!" he finally said.
"What?"
"We get your sister to put my brain in a robot body!"
Lori gaped at the sheer absurdity of the suggestion. But… was it any more absurd than what had already happened to her?
"It could work," added the boy guilelessly.
"*snicker*"
"I'd be…. Bobby-Bot."
Snickers gave way to chuckles, and chuckles to full-throated laughter. "Oh, god…" she gasped. "I… I almost gave this up."
"Are you okay, babe?" Bobby asked.
"I… well, not okay, okay, but… I think I might be on my way there." She smiled, more easily this time. "Thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me."
Luan poked her head in. "I heard laughter!" she said triumphantly. "The genuine honest kind! Does this mean you're feeling better, sis?"
"Getting there," Lori said.
"Was it the bit about bad Halloween candy? I've been working on that for weeks."
"…sure," Lori lied, just grateful that Luan and the rest of the family had never stopped trying.
"Yes!" Luan announced, pumping her fist. "Nailed it! I knew that stuff was gold!"
"Totes," Lori assured. "Keep at it."
"Will do, Sister Blue!" Luan answered, retreating.
"So… does this mean we're still together?" Bobby asked.
"Yes, Boo Boo Bear, we're in it for the long haul," Lori replied, wrapping her right pair of arms around her. "Who knows… maybe this won't be permanent. I bet Lisa's working on a way to cure me even as we speak."
In the days that followed, the family was deeply relieved as Lori once again began showing signs of life, leaving her room (though not the house… yet), and interacting with the rest of her family. While the ins and outs of human behavior still eluded Lisa's grasp, she was nevertheless pleased to see her eldest sibling on the mend emotionally, and discovering the new capabilities of her body. Some were more surprising than others, like when she discovered her teleportation powers… and that they didn't work through walls.
"I'm on it," Lana said, grabbing her spackle trowel and getting to work on the Lori-shaped impact dent.
"Note to self: Stick to doing that in open spaces." Lori told herself. "I bet it'll make getting around on the course a breeze, though."
"Does this mean you're going to go back to Fairway?" Lincoln asked.
"There'll probably be some issues, but… yeah, if I can, I will," Lori replied. "It's not like being super-strong or able to fly is going to make my game any better… in fact, I'll probably have to work harder to overcompensate for my strength. Either way, I see no reason to give up on my career."
It seemed then, to Lisa, that Lori had accepted her new life. Just as well; all of Lisa's attempts to crack the mystery of how to reverse her transformation has come to naught so far.
She had one last hope… an experimental retro-virus that would attempt to roll-back the changes to Lori's genome. The drawback was that it was possible the retovirus could itself be corrupted by Lori's mutated DNA (well, to be technical, her genetic material could no longer truly be called DNA, since it was chemically nowhere near similar – but that was neither here nor there)… and worse, said corrupted virus could be transmitted to others, causing Lori's mutation to spread.
Well, there was no use pondering doomsday scenarios, Lisa mused, as she continued her work.
After all, what were the odds of disaster striking twice?
A.N.:
Arrested Development Narrator: As it turned out, pretty high.
And on that ominous note, this one-shot ends!
This probably won't be getting a continuation (though I will be posting one more update, a spec sheet on the Mutant Louds and their new powers). I just wanted to do a little something for Jose Ramiro after he did that drawing for me, while having a little fun. I hope you folks enjoy it. Reviews are of course welcome.