A/N: Hello everyone! Welcome to our new story. This is an example of what can come out of an impromptu sister date. We sat around our local creamery talking and the topic of Severus sin his spy career would've been like. We both agreed he would not have been okay with Petunia taking care of Lily's child and would eventually come to care for Harry. A couple hours later...the beginning of our masterpiece.
A few notes: 1) As usual, there will be NO SLASH. There may not be completely canon pairings, but we will maintain our usual stance here. 2) It will be humor-based. Yes, we will have plenty of jokes and running gags, but we will also have some touchy-feely moments. 3) The Malfoys and Dursleys will both play prominent roles in the story. In fact, Narcissa may even become the HOA president. :)
Overall, we hope you enjoy our tale. It is not nearly complete, but marauderfascination and I are still working on Fixed Points and Fixed Points Revised. We would also like to still work on a next gen fic in conjunction with FP, but we felt this was an important story to tell. Enjoy!
Severus tapped the arm of his chair impatiently. What was taking Dumbledore so long? He had been the one to call this meeting, not Severus. And why did he have to wait in a room filled with portraits of previous headmasters, all whispering behind their hands in quiet judgement of him? He stared down at the headmaster's desk, watching as a silver instrument moved gracefully in the air. The hummingbird twittered over to the equally shiny lily, moving as if to suck it. The flower withered before jumping to life again. And so the toy repeated its cycle.
The potions master jumped slightly when the door opened. Dumbledore swept through the room and sat down, sighing in comfort as he snuggled back into the headrest.
"And thus ends another successful year," said the headmaster, intertwining his fingers.
"Yet remains the question," Severus sat on the edge of the chair, "shall I be included in the next?"
Albus Dumbledore's infamous twinkle faded from his eyes. His mouth dropped.
"That remains to be seen, Professor Snape." The headmaster sat back further, if that were possible, and steepled his fingers. "The original purpose of your coming here was to gain access to me—which in turn would cause you to rise in the ranks of the death eaters and give me access to Tom."
"And I did."
"Yes. It was your spying that led to the rescue of countless witches and wizards. You should be proud."
"But…"
Albus rubbed his eyes. "Severus, no death eater will believe you were faking being our spy this whole time."
"You insisted on the Veritaserum…and the multiple testimony-by-pensieve…"
"I did." The headmaster shifted in his chair. "When you came to me and offered yourself as a spy in exchange for the safety of the Potters, I promised you if you did your job well, I would ensure you did not end up in Azkaban for your previous involvement in the group." He sighed heavily. "And I keep my promises fully."
"And all that was necessary?"
"Severus, please. Would you trust a double agent without some guarantee of the validity of his testimony?"
"No," said Severus, a hand massaging his temples. "But what does this all mean?"
"It means," Albus rose and turned to look out the window, "that when Voldemort returns, I cannot send you back as a spy."
"But headmaster…"
"Albus, please," said the old man, smiling widely. "I believe at this point we can have more than a headmaster-student relationship." His lips dropped. "At least, I hope."
Severus sighed. "Albus, part of our understanding once the dark lord fell was that you would back me so long as I returned to him when he rose…"
"And plans change, Severus." Albus turned and stared at the man. "You are much more valuable as our potions professor than as a spy. We need someone as gifted as you are. Slughorn won't come out of retirement…"
"No surprise there," said the young man under his breath.
"…And there is no one more qualified to teach the subject." Dumbledore crossed his arms. "Our potions scores rose two grades across the board last year."
Severus smiled. "Well, all it takes is a firm hand and a conscientious…" He scowled. "Are you trying to flatter me into keeping the position?"
"Please, Severus." The headmaster smiled once more. "And as head of house of Slytherin, you'd be the perfect example of what being a death eater is truly like. We can sway so many from the dark just by your experiences."
Silence filled the air. The young man sighed, rubbing his eyes.
"I guess."
Albus's sparkle returned. "Good boy." He swept over to his seat and pulled out a new contract.
Severus rolled his eyes, but grabbed the black quill and signed.
"Now, with all the other reneging of our agreements, should I assume my responsibility to Potter Junior is over and done with?"
"Until he comes to Hogwarts, yes." Dumbledore rolled up the scroll. "Until that time, he's safe where he is."
The potions master's brow furrowed. "Which is where, exactly?"
The headmaster waved his hand lazily. "Of no consequence." The man smiled. "Enjoy your summer, Severus. See you in August."
Severus shook his head and walked down to Hogsmeade. He promptly Apparated to his home at Spinners' End. He entered the house, nose scrunching at the derelict furniture and dusty floor. Why did he keep the place? He had no good memories here. He was Lord Prince, and Prince Manor was open to him at any time. Maybe he should cave and sell it to that contractor trying to build that new shopping center.
He sat down on his bed, staring at the walls. Childish drawings still covered them, glued on with a sticking charm graciously administered by his mother. He sneered at one particular painting of multi-colored blobs. How old was he when he did that? He tilted his head. He probably was the same age as the Potter boy would be in July.
And that thought brought him back to his previous question to Dumbledore. Where was the boy? Black was in Azkaban. Lupin couldn't care for the boy with his condition. The Longbottoms were indisposed of indefinitely, and Lady Augusta would struggle with one little boy at her age. Even Albus wouldn't try hefting two on her.
At one point immediately after that fateful Halloween, Severus had overheard Albus mention something about a Privet Drive to Minerva. While that could mean a lot of things, it wasn't like Severus had a lot to do this summer. His lesson plans were written. They'd just need to be revised a bit. And his curiosity would not quench until he knew where the Potter boy was and if he was safe.
Severus apparated away, unsure if he was doing the right thing in stalking a random family in Little Whinging. For all he knew, this was some muggleborn student Albus wanted his deputy to check out for next year. However, as he looked around the cookie-cutter housing community, he shrugged. Worst came to worst, he was just meeting a new student a tad early. He disillusioned himself. No need for someone to question his sudden appearance, or what some freak in a long robe was doing staring at a house.
The potions master walked a ways down the street, not quite sure what he was looking for at the moment. Sure, the boy was his target, but in the heat of a June day, no one would have an almost-two-year-old boy out playing.
Severus stopped in front of one particular house, holding his hands behind his back. This one was different. Something about it…His heart raced and his finger tips tingled. Someone had placed a ward here.
There was nothing overtly notable about the abode. It was the same as both houses next to it: two windows on the top floor, two on the bottom floor, with a door smack-dab in the middle. It was pale yellow in color, with pure white siding and window treatments. Hedges lined both sides, and there was a magnificent garden near the front door. The potions master narrowed his eyes. A woman sat on her knees, pulling weeds from the flower bed.
"Hello, Petunia," a voice called out from behind Severus. The man jumped, turning quickly to see a young woman pushing a stroller waving to whoever was at the garden.
Severus pivoted back just in time to see the woman turn. His jaw dropped.
"Hi Laurie," said Petunia Evans, waving back.
"Your azaleas look lovely," said the woman, Laurie.
"Thank you." Petunia Evans rose, wiping her brow with her arm. "I saw your rosebush. My, is it getting big!"
Laurie shrugged. "Well, you know what they say: feed it and it will grow."
"Yes, they do," said Petunia with a smile. She waved once more. "See you at the next HOA meeting."
Severus froze. Why the hell would Albus talk to Minerva about Petunia Evans's house? Unless…
The man's eyes widened, and he ran to catch up with the woman slipping through her door. He managed to make it right before the lock clicked.
Inside, wailing echoed everywhere. Upstairs, down in the living room, no room was safe from the piercing screams of what Severus had to assume were infants. Well, that answered that question…
Severus shook his head. But who in their right mind would ever give Petunia Evans a child? What would have had to go through Albus Dumbledore's mind to give Lily's precious son to her sister—the vile, magic-hating wench?
But maybe he was wrong. Nothing said Petunia couldn't have had multiple children by this time. The potions master leaned on the wall next to a small cupboard door. After two years of teaching, he'd learned that one should only be allowed to rear a child after they've passed multiple tests. If Petunia had multiple children, she was only further proof of his theory.
He watched the woman descend the stairs carrying a large lump with blond hair. The boy wriggled in her arms and screamed, all the while banging his hands on her shoulder.
"Ice cream. Ice cream." The toddler demanded.
"Of course, sweet'ums. Let mommy get to the kitchen and then she'll get you a bowl of ice cream," said Petunia, rocking the boy as she passed by the invisible man.
He was sorely tempted to stick his foot out and trip the old hag, even if she was carrying a child, just to watch the impending disaster. However, something stayed him.
After the promise of a treat, the boy stopped crying, but the sound hadn't dissipated. He watched, brow furrowed, as Petunia stopped in front of the cupboard door and opened it.
"Shut up, you miserable freak," she yelled, before slamming the door and continuing on to the kitchen.
Severus shook his head. Who the hell kept a living thing in a cupboard under the stairs? The crying turned to whimpers. Surely, Petunia Evans would not keep her nephew in a closet.
The ex-spy scanned the room, ensuring no one would discover him. Once he was sure he was safe, he opened the door. His jaw dropped.
On a dirty cot on the floor lay a young boy. He had no pants, and his shirt was four sizes too big. His nappy was overflowing, and his legs had multiple colored bruises up and down them.
Severus took a deep breath, engorging the cupboard slightly before entering the tiny room.
"Lumos." He let light invade the dark space created by the shut door, allowing him to further examine the boy. The child whimpered, putting one hand in front of his eyes as the other stayed curled around his middle. "Muffliato."
"Who you?" the boy whimpered, blinking rapidly.
The man pursed his lips. "Severus Snape." He held out his hand awkwardly. The boy flinched away. He pulled back. "I'm not going to hurt you."
"No hurt?" The boy looked up, green eyes staring directly into Severus's. Above them was a lightning bolt scar.
The man gasped. "Harry Potter?" He sat down slowly. "That's right. No hurt." He rubbed his lips. "Does someone hurt you?"
Harry nodded.
Severus took a deep breath. "Can I see?" The boy averted his eyes. "I just want a look. I promise, nothing bad."
The boy hesitated another moment before sitting up. He lifted his shirt. Every rib protruded from his side. One half of his abdomen was covered in a hand-shaped bruise. The boy dropped his hem.
The professor sighed. "I really shouldn't leave you." He shook his head, taking his wand out. "But I can't stay." What should he do?
As he healed the boy and cleaned him, he considered his options—none of them good. He could kill the muggles and take Harry away to his house, like Lucius had done for him. That would get the child out of the situation. However, it would most likely end him in Azkaban. He couldn't do nothing. Forever his conscience—in the loving voice of Narcissa Malfoy—would berate him for having left the boy to his fate.
Severus rubbed his eyes. At this point, the young boy was asleep. He cast a temporary protection charm over the tot. If only he could cast a permanent one. That would require his sharing of blood, or a very close proximity…
The man slipped out of the house and made his way toward the street. His eyes scanned the area one more time. Just because he was no longer a spy didn't mean he was going to drop all his self-preservation techniques. With his third swipe, something caught his eye: a for sale sign in the yard next door. Well, he had just been talking about his desire to move…
"Petunia!" The woman jumped, almost dropping her chocolate pie in the process. "Where's my whiskey?"
Petunia closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"In here," she called. She dropped her voice and muttered, "Where it's always been."
Vernon barged into the room, letting the kitchen door slam shut behind him.
"They skipped over me again for that promotion," the man said, grabbing a tumbler from the cupboard.
"I'm sorry, dear." Great, he'd had a bad day. Most assuredly he'd get smashed, make a scene, and the whole neighborhood would see. Petunia stepped in front of the liquor cabinet. "I saw they took down the for sale sign next door. A moving van was parked at the curb all day."
"And?" Vernon asked, trying to get around her and grab a decanter.
"I made them a pie," she said, moving along with him to keep him from succeeding. "We should get to know the people living right next to us. They'll have access to Dudders."
Vernon moaned. "Really, Pet? You want me to go over there and befriend some newbie business man and his blushing wife?"
"It's only neighborly." She walked over to the table where Dudley sat coloring. She picked him up and handed him to his father. "I'll take the pie."
They walked past the hedge and stopped to watch a man bending down to grab a box. He grunted, lifting it to his waist and balancing it on his hip.
"Hello there," Petunia said, walking closer. "We're the neighbors next door, and…" The man turned and her face dropped. "You!"
Vernon's head popped up and swiveled to stare at his wife. "You know this man?"
Petunia's eyes widened. Her husband did not do well with magic. If he found out a wizard had moved next door, surely he would have a tantrum right here in front of the whole neighborhood. And if she said she knew him from when she was young, Lily would be brought up and then…Well, back to her first problem.
"Uhm, I watched him step on my azaleas the day he came by to see the house," said Petunia, eyes narrowing.
Severus's brow rose, but he smiled kindly. "I am so sorry about your azaleas, Miss. I'd be happy to pay for any reparations." Her stomach churned. His voice was sickly sweet.
Vernon chuckled. "Don't worry about it. No harm done." Petunia glared at her husband, but he paid her no heed. "She's far too concerned about those things."
"Are you sure?" Severus asked, an evil glint in his eye as he turned to her.
"Positive." The rotund man readjusted his son. "So, what do you do for a living?"
Severus smiled. "I'm a chemist. I work mostly in pharmaceuticals." He bent down to pick up another box.
Vernon's eyes widened. He set his son down. "Here, let me help you with those." He grabbed a box labeled "pillows" and followed his new neighbor into the house. Petunia watched, her face reddening.
Later that evening, a young woman snuck over to her new neighbor's house. Once at the back door, she pounded with both her palms. She had to wait several minutes before the door opened.
"You know," the man said, brow quirked, "the HOA has a noise ordinance that went into effect three minutes ago."
Petunia glared. "Shut up." She pushed her way into his house.
"I was wrong." Severus smirked. "All those years, I thought you were a blood-sucking vampire. Yet, vampires have to be invited into your home to enter."
"What are you doing here, Snape?"
"I live here."
"That's obvious." Her glare deepened. She crossed her arms. "I meant, why did you buy a house here? You lived hundreds of kilometers away."
The man shrugged. "Needed a change of scenery."
"And I can cast a lighting charm."
"What do you want me to say, Tuney?" Severus asked, leaning against the wall.
"That you'll leave and never come back?"
"Not happening." He shook his head. "Not when Lily's child is only one-hundred paces from here."
Petunia's eyes widened. "So, you're here for the boy." She scrunched her nose, raising her hands in invisible quotation marks. "Your boy-who-lived."
Severus frowned. "I'm here to protect Lily's son."
"I don't know what that kooky wizard's told you, but according to what he told me, I'm protection enough." She waved dismissively. "No need for your fancy wand-waving to save the boy." She pointed to herself, smiling. "I've got all the magic he needs."
"Don't delude yourself," Severus said, walking over to stand right in front of her. "It's Lily's magic living through you." He glared. "And that magic doesn't protect the boy from his own family."
"How dare you?"
"How dare you?" The man pointed his finger in her face. "I've seen what you did to that boy. He's starved. He's bruised. He's living in a freaking cupboard."
"He was dumped on my door step and I was told to raise him," Petunia said, taking a step back. "I'm doing what I think's best in the situation."
"By slowly killing him?"
"What do you want from me?"
"A deal," Severus said, crossing his arms once more. "I won't tell Dumbledore about your mistreatment of the boy, if you allow me to handle all things concerning one Harry Potter."
"Yeah, right." Petunia shook her head. "Like I was born yesterday. Not only is his safety linked to my having control of him, my whole family's safety is hinged on it. I'm not giving over custody of the boy."
"Then, I take full charge of all child-sitting responsibilities, he's allowed to come to my house at any point when I am home, and you don't tell Dumbledore about your newest neighbor."
The woman growled. "Fine," she said after a moment. They shook hands. Petunia dropped hers immediately, choosing instead to survey the numerous boxes stacked around the room. "You're a freak. Why didn't you just magic all your stuff into the house?"
Severus smirked. "Check the boxes."
She opened one up to find it completely empty. "What…?" She whipped around, glaring. "The whole meeting was a set-up."
"I have to admit," the man said, shaking his head, "that it made for the best possible introduction, but that was not the main reason for my 'moving day' act. Had I suddenly appeared without the neighbors seeing my unloading, they would have gotten suspicious."
Petunia shrugged, turning to leave before pausing at the door.
"Tell the truth," she said, crossing her arms. "You're not a chemist at some pharmaceutical company."
"You're right," said Severus, leaning once more on his wall. "I'm a professor at Hogwarts."
She rolled her eyes. "There you go. Couldn't make it in the real world, so you had to go to teaching."
"Actually," he smirked, "I'm a potions master. Youngest one in a century."
She huffed and walked out.
Two days later, Severus answered a knock on the door to find Vernon Dursley on the other side. He pulled two-year-old Harry in front of him.
"I'm so sorry this is short notice," Vernon said, "but Pet said you offered to babysit the other day."
"Of course," Severus quirked a brow. "I love kids."
"Well, my sister is in town and wanted to take us out to dinner…"
"And you don't want to bring your second son?"
"Nephew," Vernon growled, glaring down at the boy. He looked back to his neighbor, smiling. "He doesn't get along with her very well. He throws tantrums when she's around."
"Her son throws tantrums when he's around her?" Severus smirked. "I can see why he lives with you."
Vernon shook his head. "Not my sister's son. The boy is Pet's sister's spawn." His face fell. "Poor bitch was killed in a car smash when her low-life husband drank too much and decided it would be fun to take on a telephone pole."
"Oh, really?" Severus scowled. He clenched his fists at his side. The nerve… "How kind of you to take in your orphaned nephew."
"Yes, well." Vernon blushed, averting his gaze. "Do you mind taking him for the evening?"
"Of course." The potions master moved aside, letting Harry and his uncle in. "Does he have any toys or books with him?"
Vernon shook his head. "No, he's not very big on them."
"And a diaper bag?"
"He's toilet trained."
"Anything I should know?" Severus asked, brow quirked.
"He's already eaten. Don't give him food."
The potions master's eyes narrowed. "Okay."
"Let us know if he is any trouble." They both turned to look at the boy, who stared at Severus, mouth agape. "He can be a handful."
"Alright, then," Severus walked Vernon to the door. "Enjoy your dinner." He turned back to the boy. "Well, Harry…"
"You help," the boy said, green eyes sparkling.
"You remember?"
"You good." The boy's eyes dropped. "Harry bad."
"No, Harry. Your uncle and aunt are bad." Severus went to pat the boy on the shoulder, but he flinched away. He sighed. "Well, you'll need something to keep you entertained. I have a potion simmering that needs nettle added to it in about three minutes." He scanned the room. Where the hell were those books he kept for Draco's visits? Or what about that stupid, little…? "Ah, there it is."
"What that?" Harry asked, pointing to the little bowl Severus held up.
"It's a toy cauldron." Severus set the toy in front of Harry. He also placed a cardboard book next to it. "And this is a book my godson loves to read. Hopefully that can keep you busy while I ensure the potion doesn't explode."
He walked out, spending the next hour stabilizing the boil-cure potion. His back tensed and relaxed in cycles, his potions making barely counteracting the fact he'd left a two-year-old alone in the other room.
Once he'd taken the cauldron off the stove, he rushed back into the living room. A toddler wizard could do unspeakable damage in only a short time. He could just imagine all his books on the floor, a tornado of potions magazines spinning next to the fireplace, and…
He ran in to find Harry sitting in the middle of the floor, the "A is for Asphodel" book opened to a random page, the cauldron filled with random plastic potions ingredients. Green eyes looked up at him, and the boy smiled.
"What that?" he asked, pointing to a picture in the book.
Severus quirked a brow. "You want to know about potions ingredients?"
"Yeah."
The potions master sighed, dropping to the floor to better instruct the boy. "That is bloodroot. It is extremely poisonous and only really good for Bloodroot Potion." The boy smiled, turning the page to the next letter. "That is Cowbane. Again, very poisonous. I don't recommend you put it in your potion here."
"Bloodroot." Harry repeated. He scowled. "Cowbane."
"Yes, Potter, very good." Severus rolled his eyes. "You can repeat everything I say." Harry giggled and turned to the next page. "That is death-cap." The man scowled. "Come to think of it, this book may not be appropriate for a toddler. Who fills a baby book with copious poisons?"
"Coy…Coypi…copious?" Harry looked up at his babysitter, his small brow furrowed.
"It means many, Mr. Potter." Severus turned a few pages. Maybe he could find a lily in here. "Ah, here it is. L is for…" He groaned. "Oh, Merlin. L is for lionfish."
"Fishy?" Harry asked, smiling.
The potions master scowled at the cauldron next to them. "No, no fishy. Welp, Mr. Potter, it seems we have a deadly poison in front of us—what with all the bloodroot, cowbane, death-cap, and lionfish spines we have in here. How about we feed it to your family and see what happens?" He smirked, watching the boy clap his hands. Obviously, he had no clue the older man had just suggested murdering his aunt, uncle, and cousin.
Severus stared down at the little boy so enraptured in the contents of his cauldron. "Your uncle said you ate…" Green eyes focused intently on the man. "Are you still hungry?" Harry nodded slowly. "Alright then, what do two-year-olds eat?"
The potions master rose and walked out of the room. He turned, waiting for the tot to follow him. He sighed, walking back into the living room to find Harry pouting.
"Come on," Snape said, bending over and patting his knees. Green eyes filled with tears. "Oh, what's wrong now?"
"Up."
"Potter," the man rubbed his eyes, "you have two legs. Use them."
The boy sniffed, hands stretching in the air. "Up."
Severus sighed. "Fine." He picked up the boy, settling him on his hip. "But don't tell Draco. Otherwise he'll be expecting free rides."
He entered the kitchen and stopped in front of the fridge.
"Let's see, what do we have?" He opened the door and surveyed its contents. "Hm, spam?" He asked, turning to the boy. The young one tilted his head. "Don't know what that is? Okay then…" He rummaged around with his free hand. "Mushrooms? Probably not for a child. Wine cooler?" He smirked, looking over at the child in his hands. "Definitely not for you."
He closed the fridge and opened the freezer. "Jello pudding pops? Not for dinner…" He furrowed his brow. "Why do I even have these? Ah, how about some hot pockets?"
Harry shrugged.
"Not big on talking, are you, Mr. Potter?"
"Talking bad."
"For the love of…" Severus huffed, setting the boy down on the floor. He kneeled to maintain eye contact. "Harry James Potter-I'm assuming your middle name is James, he was vain enough—everything your aunt and uncle tell you is a lie. Do you know what a lie is?"
"Uhm…"
"It's when you say something that's not true. Do you know what true means?" The boy shook his head. "It's when something really does happen. It's factually correct."
"What that?" Harry asked, frowning.
Severus's eyes narrowed. "Factually correct? Well, it means it is real. It really occurred. I can see it with my own eyes." The man rose and took out the hot pockets. "Lying is bad. Lies are bad."
"Aunt bad?"
"There you go, you got it!" Severus threw the hot pocket in the microwave. "Now, how do I work this thing?" He turned to Harry, who just stared back. "Don't give me that look. I was raised muggle, but I haven't been in the muggle world for six years."
Harry raised his arms. "No, I am cooking right now, can't you see?" The boy's bottom lip protruded once more. "Harry…" He sighed, watching tears fill the boy's eyes. "Come here."
Microwaving a hot pocket with a two-year-old in your arms is not an easy task, but Severus Snape completed it with nary an issue. Once finished, he placed the boy in a seat at the table and placed the hot pocket in front of him. Harry stared at the pastry before looking back at his babysitter.
"What?" Severus asked, crossing his arms. "I thought you said you were hungry."
"Help," Harry said.
"Help you eat it? How do I help you eat it?"
"Too big."
"Oh, right," Severus said, nodding. "Cissy always cuts up Draco's food." He walked over to the cupboard and got out a knife and fork. He chopped the pocket into fifteen easy-to-eat pieces. Harry smiled and grabbed one. "What the…What are you doing?"
"Eat."
"Don't you know how to use utensils?" Severus asked, grabbing a fork and placing it in the boy's hand. "You're not a barbarian."
Harry stared at the fork in his hand, then at the food. He put the fork on the plate and grabbed a piece with his hand. He put the piece on the fork, lifting it in the air. The piece of pocket fell off, and Harry stuck the empty fork in his mouth.
"Do toddlers not know how to use forks?" Severus rubbed his eyes. He jumped up and ran over to his fireplace, grabbing a handful of floo powder and throwing it in. "Malfoy Manor."
"Severus?" Narcissa asked, looking down at the head that had just appeared in her floo.
"Help. Two-year-olds don't know how to use forks."
"Quite obviously." The woman looked over to where her son was playing with a stuffed dragon. Okay, so her son was here. "Severus, what are you doing with a two-year-old?"
"Uhm…" Shoot. Cissy was married to a death eater. Death eaters supposedly hated Harry Potter on principle. "Well…"
"Severus," the woman moaned. "You do realize kidnapping is considered unacceptable in most cultures."
"Actually, I'm fairly sure that's true in all cultures." Severus sighed. "However, I did not kidnap anyone. I'm babysitting."
Narcissa squinted her eyes. "Who would give you their child?"
"You do on a regular basis."
"For ten to fifteen minutes."
Severus shook his head. "Fine, some idiot neighbors of mine."
The woman threw her hands in the air. "You don't have neighbors. In fact, you are the only house left not falling victim to the industrial complex."
"I moved."
"Well, that would have been nice to know."
"Cissa, now's not the time. A two-year-old doesn't know how to use a fork."
"That's not a problem, Severus."
The man glared. "Well, excuse me for not wanting him to be a barbarian."
"Oi ve," Narcissa said, rubbing her temples. She snapped her fingers. "Dobby!"
"Yes, mistress?" the elf asked, popping into view.
"Watch Draco for a few minutes. Severus needs me."
"Of course, mistress."
"I'm on my way, Sev."
"Wait," Severus said, eyes widening. "Narcissa, no…"
The woman appeared in the fireplace. She dusted off her dress.
"Severus, dear, get your head out from between my legs."
Severus sighed, rising. "It's not like you gave me a lot of time to do otherwise."
"Now, where is the poor child you are currently watching?"
"Uhm," Severus glanced over at the kitchen door. "I might have overreacted. I'm sure everything's fine. I don't need your help."
"Obviously you do." Narcissa's eyes surveyed the living room. "Are you living in a muggle development?"
"Perhaps."
"Is the child in the kitchen?"
"Perhaps."
"Is that all you can say?"
Severus stared at the ceiling. "Perhaps."
Narcissa shook her head and walked through the kitchen door. "Dear Merlin!"
"See," Severus said, following her. "A complete barbarian!"
"Severus," Narcissa's eyes widened, "is that Harry Potter?"
"Perhaps."
The lady took several deep breaths. "Explain."
After about half an hour, Narcissa had received the full tale of the great Potter rescue, all the while feeding the poor boy his nutritious meal of pizza wrapped in crust.
"Why wouldn't you go to your precious Dumbledore about this?" Narcissa asked, picking up the boy and placing him on her lap. He cuddled up into her arms, and she kissed his head. "Sweet little thing."
"Surprisingly," Severus muttered before clearing his throat. "The man refused to tell me where the boy was. I highly doubt he'd approve of my looking into it."
"So?" Narcissa asked, shrugging. "I'm sure he'd get over it, especially if he knew the child was in danger."
"When Lily died, she cast a spell of protection around Harry." Severus stared into sparkling green eyes. "As long as he lives with her blood, he is safe from all magical harm."
"And physical harm?" she asked.
"In Dumbledore's eyes, it isn't as dangerous." Severus winced. "However, your being here is counterintuitive to his end, anyway."
"Like we'd ever hurt a child."
"You're telling me Lucius never tortured a muggle child during the raids?"
"Well…" Narcissa glanced down at Harry. "We'd never hurt a magical child."
The door bell rang. Severus popped up and answered.
"Mr. Dursley?"
"Hi there, Severus. Sorry we're late." The man yawned. "Dinner took longer than expected.
"Almost three hours?"
"Yes, well, Marge loves to gab on."
"Well, then," Severus walked over to the kitchen to grab Harry. Vernon followed without invitation. "Here is your nephew."
Narcissa sat in a seat glaring at the newcomer. She squeezed Harry protectively in her arms.
"And who is this?" Vernon asked, smirking.
"No one you should be concerned about."
"Of course," the man winked. "Come on, boy. It's past Dudley's bed time."
"You do realize the boy's name is Harry, correct?" Narcissa asked, rising as the boy toddled over to Severus.
"Dudders is my son."
"I didn't know they let walruses have sons," Narcissa muttered under her breath.
"Nice to meet you, Miss," Vernon said, pulling Harry out the door. "Sev, you into football?"
"Not particularly," the potions master said, leaning against the door jamb.
"You're not one of those teetotalers, are you?'
"On the contrary, I enjoy a good firewhiskey."
"Whiskey?" Vernon's eyes lit up. "Tomorrow, come on over. We've got whiskey and beer galore."
"That's nice to know when they have two small children," Narcissa said, once again under her breath.
"Sounds great," Severus said, waving before shutting the door.
Silence reigned in the room several minutes.
"You do realize I'll have to tell Lucius," Narcissa said, picking imaginary lint from her skirt.
"I don't see why," Severus said, taking a seat next to her.
"He's my husband, Severus. I'm not lying to him."
"Can you ensure he won't harm the boy?"
She crossed her arms over her chest. "I have my ways."
The front door burst open, and a frazzled Petunia rushed into the kitchen.
"It's true!" She panted, hands on knees.
"What's true?" Severus asked.
"You're seeing a prostitute while watching my nephew!"
"Excuse me?" Narcissa stood, face reddening. "How dare you?"
Severus placed a calming hand on Cissa's arm. "And how is my seeing a prostitute any more damaging than what you do to him on a daily basis?"
Narcissa wrenched her arm away from her friend. "I am not a prostitute."
"Well," Severus eyed her hesitantly, "if that dress is anything to go by…"
"You're like family to me!"
"And that's stopped a Black before?" He scrunched his nose. "In fact, you were originally betrothed to your cousin, weren't you?"
Petunia's mouth screwed in distaste. "What is wrong with your world?"
Lady Malfoy pulled herself up to her full height. "You're Lily's sister?"
The other woman stared at the ceiling, her mouth bobbing. "I'm starting to believe that might not be a good question to answer."
"Rightly so."
"And who—might I ask—are you?"
"Narcissa Malfoy."
"Is that supposed to mean something?" Petunia asked, crossing her arms.
"Muggles," Narcissa whined. She turned to Severus. "Lucius and I will return." With that, she stormed out to the fireplace, throwing floo powder in before disappearing.
Petunia's lips pinched. "She seems lovely."
"Petunia?"
"Yes?"
"Get out of my house."
A week later, Severus sat by his fire, reading his newest novel, when his floo flared. The potions master flipped a page in his book, not even looking up.
"So," an aristocratic voice echoed through the room, "you have access to the Potter boy."
"Your wife has known this for almost a week," Severus said, flipping another page. "It seems quite a delay on your part."
"I was called away to a meeting of the lords," Lucius said, sitting down in the seat opposite his friend. "Tell me, why does it take six days of intensive debate to decide the color of the auror's department?"
"What color did you decide on?"
Severus finally looked up when his friend did not answer immediately. The blond's jaw clenched.
"The color they already had."
The potions master snorted. "Seems like an excellent waste of your time."
"Why haven't I seen Lord Prince at any of the recent meetings?"
"Because he's not an idiot." Severus returned to his book. "I do have better use of my time."
"So, what? All the prestige and none of the responsibility?"
"I'm not trying to kiss the ministry's ass to make up for the war."
"No," Lucius's eyes flashed, "you're just betraying your lord."
"He betrayed me."
"Oh, boo hoo, your crush died."
"He betrayed all of us, truly." Severus set down his book. "He was, after all, a half-blood."
Lucius averted his eyes. "Yes, well…"
"Your father was played and you went along with it."
"And so did you."
"To appease you," Severus said, leaning back in his chair. "You were the big brother I never had. I'd have done anything to make you proud."
"Were?" Lucius quirked a brow.
Severus rolled his eyes. "Are."
"And…" Lucius took a deep breath. "…Even though you turned tail on our lord, I am proud of you. Seeking out the greatest wizard of all of magical Britain and training him from a young age? That takes skill."
"He's a child, Lucius. Not some political bargaining chip."
"Still, defying your other master." Lucius smirked. "And you still have the greatest wizard at your fingertips."
"I am my own master now, Lucius."
"Do you think I can meet him? What's he like?"
"He's two." Severus shrugged. "He doesn't even know how to use a fork. We don't know he's the greatest wizard…"
The door bell rang, interrupting them. Severus held up a calming hand, placing a finger to his lips. He walked over, hoping to tell whatever door-to-door salesman that he was not interested. However, the visitor on his doorstep was not interested in selling him anything.
"Severus!" Vernon greeted enthusiastically. "Manchester United is on today. Can you believe it?" He pushed through the man and walked into the living room.
"Considering they have a game every week on the same day?" Severus scowled. "I'm going to have to say yes."
"Yes, well, it is so close to the world cup, I thought you'd want to come over. Pet stocked the liquor cabinet and…" Vernon turned, for the first time noticing they were not alone. "Oh, who is this?"
"Oh, this?" Severus smirked, watching Lucius's eye twitch. "This is my boss at the pharmaceutical company. Lucius," the younger man turned to his friend and mentor, "this is Vernon Dursley. Vernon, this is Lucius Malfoy."
Lucius stood and strutted over to the potions master. He leaned into his friend's ear.
"What is a pharmaceutical company?"
"Just go with it," Severus said, watching as Vernon held out his hand. Lucius fought a sneer as he took it.
"Good to meet you, Lucius," Vernon said, smiling.
"Likewise," Lucius said, placing his hand behind his back and subtly wiping it on his robe.
"I was just about to invite Sev here to watch the football match at my house. Are you a sports man?"
Lucius shrugged. "I enjoy a good match. Anything to get out of those stuffy meetings."
"Marvelous! Come on, we don't want to miss the start." Vernon herded the other two toward his house. He walked over to the door, turning the knob. "Oops."
Meanwhile, Severus had turned to Lucius. "A pharmaceutical company is a very expensive company that sells muggle potions."
"Ooh," Lucius tilted his head, "can I own it?"
"Since it's imaginary? Yes."
"And I'm to be your boss?"
"Yes."
"Uhm," Vernon said, turning to the two men. "There's a problem."
"What is that?" Severus asked, brow furrowed.
"I think I locked myself out."
"What?"
"You see," Vernon's eyes twitched, looking at the blond before returning his attention to Snape, "the boys are taking a nap, and Pet went out grocery shopping. I locked the door to keep them safe while I came over, but I forgot the key."
Lucius flicked his arm, his wand falling into his hand. Severus grabbed it.
"No," he muttered under his breath. "I have a spare key."
The blond turned to the potions master, following him as the man ran to get the key. "You've been here a week. How the hell did you get a spare key?"
"I offered to babysit their nephew. I'm surprised they didn't give me a medal."
"The Potter boy can't be that bad."
"He's not," Severus said, looking through his cabinet for the key. "He's a darling. They just hate him."
"Why?"
"The Dursleys are like the Malfoys of the muggle world. They hate magic as much as you hate muggles."
Lucius scrunched his nose. "How can you hate magic?"
"Don't ask me," Severus rolled his eyes, "it's not like I hate it." He showed his friend the key. "Maybe you can ask Vernon during the match."
They flooded the living room, Severus switching on the telly while Vernon grabbed some snacks, decanters, beer, and whiskey. Lucius stared, eyes wide and mouth agape at the muggle abode.
"My, wouldn't Arthur Weasley be jealous?" the blond said, rubbing his hands together.
Severus rolled his eyes as he adjusted the channel. "What is the issue between the two of you?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Lucius squinted. "What is that contraption?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" The potions master smirked, not having to look behind him to know his friend's face was turning red.
"You alright there, Luc?" Vernon asked, setting everything down. Both men jumped, not having heard the portly man enter.
"Of course, just a bit warm," the blond said, tugging at his collar.
"That's what happens when you wear an overcoat in the summer."
"An overcoat?"
Severus covered his mouth, lips trembling behind his hand. Lucius versus muggle would make for a great telly program. He'd probably be able to finance it along with Cissy. They'd make millions.
"Yeah, that drapery your wearing." Vernon motioned for them to take a seat. "Throw it off! It's a scorcher out there. Why'd you ever feel the need to wear it?"
"Why, I never," Lucius sputtered. "A drapery?"
"What he means to say," Severus pushed Lucius into the couch, "is that he just arrived via plane from Murmansk. He was in the middle of a business deal. He came right from the airport for a debrief."
Vernon grunted. "Doing business with them soviet commies?" He furrowed his brow. "How'd you even get in?"
"Our pharma…Uhm." Lucius glanced at Severus, who mouthed the taxing word. "Pharmaceutical company has a wide-reaching audience. We don't care where we do our business, and those…" Again, he looked to his half-blood friend.
"While relations are improving between the Soviets and the Colonies—to a degree, anyway—the Soviet Union still avoids American goods. That includes medicine." Severus shrugged. "Why deny a starving child the prescription that could save their life solely because they live in a communist part of the world?"
Vernon shrugged, not feeling the need to answer. The match began, and the liquor flowed. Lucius sat on the edge of his seat, entranced by the television in front of him.
"Now, you're telling me this is happening right now?" Lucius said, pointing at the screen. "This is occurring in London? And we can see it here?"
"Never seen a telly before?" Vernon asked, eyes squinting. "How have you never seen a telly before?"
"His family was strict Presbyterian," Severus said, leaning in front of Lucius to get a better view of Dursley. "He'd never heard of telly until recently, when his father passed away. I've been telling him to get one, but…"
"You have not!" Lucius whipped around, nearly hitting his friend in the shoulder. Severus quirked a brow. It was effortless for him to lie. Why was it difficult for his friend to do the same?
"You have been inebriated every time, but I have," Severus said through gritted teeth. The blond nodded slowly.
"Oh, sure."
Their host took another swig of beer, twirling the empty bottle around.
"Bugger it all!" He threw the container down. "Out of beer here. Boy!"
Lucius's eyes widened as little Harry toddled out, bottom lip protruding slightly.
"Yes Uncle?"
"Beer!"
The boy nodded and ran out of the room. The blond looked at his friend, who only nodded. Lucius's brow rose. Well, this was unexpected to say the least.
The tot returned with a cold bottle of beer. He handed the bottle to his uncle, who grunted. On the tv, Manchester went in for the goal. Vernon jumped up, smacking little Harry in the face. The boy winced but did not cry. He ran off into the hallway.
Both wizards hopped up from the couch.
"Bathroom?" Lucius asked, glancing behind him.
"Out in the hall to the left," Vernon said, waving his hand lazily.
"I can show you," Severus said, leading Lucius away from the unobservant muggle.
"Did he just use Harry Potter—the-boy-who-lived—as a house-elf?" Lucius sputtered once they were out of hearing range.
"He does that quite regularly," Severus said, crossing his arms. "However, you can't kill him. You just got back into the ministry's good graces."
"Yes, well, I don't believe for a second killing those muggles would cause me to fall out of it."
"But you'd be opposing Dumbledore."
Lucius quirked a brow. "And that's supposed to bother me?"
"Dumbledore has quite a reach in the ministry."
"Show them this, and they will throw him out on his ass."
"Lucius, be reasonable." Severus rubbed his eyes. "I only have about a month left before I need to go back to Hogwarts. I need someone who knows what's going on to be able to check on him."
"You think I'd leave the boy without supervision?" Lucius asked, mouth agape. "Why, I never-!"
"Lucius, please," Severus placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, "promise me you'll watch Harry Potter when I'm not here."
"Consider it done."
"Without pushing your own agenda on the lad."
"Oh, Sev, you're no fun."