A/N: A big hello wave to everyone.
Thank you so much for all the favourites, follows and comments on the story so far. It really brightens my day.
I now present you with chapter 3 and ask that you please mind the triggers as we delve a little deeper into Hermione's baggage...
Thank you to my beta AnziaC for all the time you spend fixing my mistakes. Thanks for your effort, ideas and encouragement. I know I bother you way more than I probably should.
As always, all credit goes to JK Rowling for the wonderful world she's created for us.
*Trigger warnings - death, anxiety attacks, mentions of violence and abuse, minor sexual content*
So, here goes...
Chapter 3:
Hermione's first month on the Nott wine estate passed by with enjoying lazy days in the sun; watching Theo scrutinize his grapes diligently, and monitoring as more workers arrived for the harvest.
She watched large baskets fill with grapes from sunrise until sunset every day, and on some afternoons when the heat started to dissipate, she jumped in alongside Theo. In an effort to help the workers she would pick grapes geared with a large sun hat and tons of sunscreen slathered onto her face and shoulders.
Some mornings she would watch Theo with the horses - with the black stallion in particular, while he patiently coaxed the horse to come out of his shell.
She spent a couple of evenings here and there in Theo's company. She enjoyed the food he cooked and learning to cook next to him all while getting delightfully tipsy on great wines and often retreating to the back porch to watch the stars. Otherwise, after the cooking lesson and eating, he allowed her to peruse his library for her next read, which was her personal favourite.
Some nights she would accompany Theo to the stables to spend more time with the stallion. Then she would sneak back later to sit with him and talk, while the stallion looked down at her with intelligent brown eyes as if he understood every word. She told the stallion all of her secrets, adding bits and pieces every time she came to visit. She promised him that Theo would protect him; look out for him; and be gentle and careful. She assured him that it would all be okay; it was safe now.
She'd even started to believe the same for herself as Theo had been nothing but careful and slow to anger since the incident in the stables. With each passing evening, the horse appeared more at ease in her company.
If Theo noticed the stallion's increased tolerance of her presence, he never mentioned it.
XXX
"What's wrong with you?" Hermione cautiously asked one Friday afternoon, after having experienced a crabby Theo for the last three days. It was setting her on edge. Making her anticipate an inevitable blowout. One that she'd have to pay for. Realistically, she knew it wouldn't be the case, but for so long, that had been her reality. And even after a year of therapy, she still struggled to manage her expectations. Her therapist had studiously mentioned this was something Hermione needed to be aware of in her future interactions with men.
"What do you mean?" He grunted while he struggled with a particularly stubborn vine, yanking roughly to sever the grapes. His body glistened in the late afternoon sun, sweaty and golden brown, muscles coiling and releasing with his effort.
Her mouth went dry at the sight.
Friends, Hermione. You and Theo are friends, she thought.
She cleared her throat and focussed her attention on unscrewing her water bottle, and taking a large drink.
Theo reached for his pruning scissors, clipped the vine and straightened up to his full height. He dropped a large bunch of grapes into the basket between them, wiped the sweat from his forehead, and waited for her to speak.
"You've been moody most of this week," she said as she tipped her head back to look up at him. She cupped a hand over her eyes to block out the sun that was shining directly from behind him, trying to gauge his expression.
He was scowling.
She suppressed the urge to take a preemptive step back. Just in case he lost his temper at her probing. It had been a nice reprieve to see him without that look for the last two weeks, but this week, he'd reverted to his perma-scowl. She really hated that something was bothering him.
"It's just stress, Granger." He assured her with a loose shrug and a shuttered expression. "And a lack of sleep. It's the busiest time of the year for me right now." However, he didn't look at her when he said it. He was either lying or hiding something.
She wished he'd trust her enough to talk to her. She wanted to help; comfort him if possible. Otherwise, she'd give him space if he felt she was crowding him.
She just needed him to tell her what to do...
But instead of nagging, she sighed and feigned ignorance at his denial. "You're sure?" She reached out to squeeze his shoulder in the only way she could think of to offer comfort and support, but he dodged her touch and moved away.
"Just drop it, will you," he growled at her with his jaw clenched and eyes narrowed. His posture grew rigid. "I said I'm fine."
Even though she'd been prepared for the possibility of a fallout, Hermione recoiled at his cold, ill-tempered demeanour, flinching.
Theo noticed, and his shoulders sagged. He dropped his head and sighed heavily, before angling his face toward her. His green eyes softened considerably and he rubbed his neck. "Sorry, Granger. I didn't mean to snap at you, but I really don't want to talk about it." He stuffed his hands in his denim pockets and looked down at his boots. "Why don't you head up to the cottage and take a shower? We'll do dinner in an hour or two."
"Okay," she agreed, eyes dragging over his sweaty shoulders, stiff with tension. She didn't look him in the eye, preferring to read his body language. She found it more revealing than his words or his shuttered expression right now.
On her walk back to the cottage, she found herself wondering if Theo would ever tell her what was bothering him. If he truly saw her as his friend? Someone he could trust and confide in. Was their friendship born out of his pity for her, or perhaps their forced proximity? Was any of it real? If they'd met under different circumstances, would he even have spared her a second look?
Maybe she was overreacting, discrediting their friendship too easily just because he was in a bad mood and she felt particularly sensitive today. Maybe she just needed to be patient with him, like he was with her on days when she was combative or skittish.
Deciding on patience, she climbed the porch steps; unlocked the door; stepped into the cottage; and dropped her keys on the side table after locking up. Then, after kicking off her boots, she headed into her bathroom, turning on the shower.
While the water heated up, Hermione peeled her sweaty tank top over her head and shucked off her shorts and knickers. She unclasped her bra and pulled the hair tie from her messy curls, letting it cascade down her back.
She stepped into the shower and allowed the hot spray to wash away the sweat and dirt from her hair and body, scrubbing at her dirty nails.
Days in the vineyard under an unforgiving sun could make even the most beautiful of women wilt and reek of sweat.
But a sweaty Theo on the other hand...
She huffed in frustration at the image of him, shirtless and glistening golden brown, and dug her nails roughly into her scalp as she worked the shampoo through her tangled curls.
She found Theo very attractive, sure. She had since the first day she arrived here. She wasn't blind or immune to masculinity and rugged beauty. Couldn't help that she found tall men with sculpted muscles insanely sexy. Not to mention scruff, dimples and mischievous smiles. Unfortunately, it just so happened that Theodore Nott in all his six-foot-four glory possessed all of these qualities and more.
There was nothing wrong with admiring his perfections, was there? It didn't mean she wanted to date him.
The crackling tension between them on nights when he cooked for her and then lay beside her under the stars in the grass or in his library under its glass roof, was merely a side effect of good food, lots of wine, and fantastic conversation.
It didn't mean anything.
And the warmth of his simple, innocent touches could be blamed on her lack of physical intimacy over the last year.
She was only human. And sex was such a basic need that-
Hermione startled when she suddenly found herself picturing Theo's strong body stretched over hers, lips dragging across her bare skin, that she jerked open the cold water to get her blistering desire under control.
She gasped and spluttered as the icy water pelted against her flushed skin, but it served its purpose in getting her thoughts under control.
Sex with Theo was out of the question.
Not only would sex complicate their already tenuous friendship, but she wasn't even sure she was ready for it yet. Besides, Theo had not indicated that he was attracted to her and she worked hard to disguise the fact that she was attracted to him.
She needed to get a handle on herself right now. Try and ignore her attraction to him.
XXX
Hermione hesitated at the open front door of Theo's house when she heard unfamiliar voices.
There was a black SUV parked in the driveway that she didn't recognize.
Theo's sales agent - a muggle who worked for a large marketing company in the city - drove a flashy Mercedes, so it couldn't be him.
Loud laughter drifted from somewhere inside the house, and instead of simply entering, she opted for knocking on the door.
Moments later, a smiling Theo appeared around the corner. His smile grew even wider at the sight of her, and it made her stomach flutter. He looked relaxed, and more at ease than he had earlier, or for the past week, and it felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders at the sight of his dimpled smile.
"Hey," he greeted her and ushered her inside. "Why'd you knock?"
"I heard voices and I assumed you had company, so I didn't want to-"
Hermione cut off mid-sentence when Blaise Zabini and Draco Malfoy approached, looking curiously over Theo's shoulder to see who he was speaking to.
Noticing her gaze drift over his shoulder, Theo angled his body toward his friends. "You remember Blaise and Draco, right?" He asked, cocking a brow, eyes twinkling with mirth.
She almost scoffed out loud.
Like she could ever forget them.
"Sure she does," Malfoy smirked and approached her. "How could she forget the prats who gave her such a hard time at school?"
Hermione stiffened and stepped closer to Theo. He seemed to notice her discomfort and pulled her into his side, draping an arm over her shoulder. "Hard time is putting it mildly," Theo quipped lightheartedly in the general direction of his friends, but his eyes remained on her.
Theo was right. Malfoy and his entourage had been right little shits to Harry, Ron and her back in school. All of the Slytherins had been actually, except Theo.
"Look, Granger," Malfoy said, grimacing. He scratched the back of his blond head, looking very compunctious. "I never apologized for my behaviour. I was an arrogant boy with a skewed perception of muggles and muggleborns. And I never should have idly stood by and watched while my aunt tortured you. I should have done something. Anything, except watching." He heaved a sigh, silver eyes and sharp features the picture of contrition. "There are a ton of things to apologize for, and I'm hoping you'll believe me when I say that I'm so fucking sorry for everything. I know it doesn't erase the past, but I'm hoping we can start over?"
Malfoy was right. Apologies didn't erase the memory of her writhing and twitching on the drawing-room floor of Malfoy Manor. Nor did it bring back all the people they'd lost to the war. But dwelling on the past wasn't going to bring her any more peace than forgiving him would.
And right now she had a choice. She could retreat into herself, be miserable and spoil the evening for everyone, or she could relax and let go of the past so Theo could enjoy the visit from his friends. Friends who seemed to have lifted the mood he's been in for the past week.
The latter won out.
"Apology accepted, Malfoy," she said, letting him off the hook, feeling cautiously optimistic.
Theo deserved to smile like he had when he found her standing at his front door. He deserved to spend a carefree evening with his friends, herself included.
"You okay with this?" Theo leaned into her, whispering his question in her ear.
The heat from his proximity and the smell of him, freshly showered with a hint of cologne, left her momentarily debilitated. He continued when she said nothing, "I didn't know they were coming. It was a surprise, and I didn't have time to warn you."
Hermione pulled back to look at Theo, giving him a reassuring smile. "It's okay, Nott. You don't have to explain. Besides, we've all done a bit of growing up since the war. I'm pretty sure no unforgivables will be flying around this evening."
"See," Zabini chipped in, shooting her a winning smile, "Granger, gets it."
"Yeah," Theo huffed a laugh, shoulders relaxing noticeably when her smile didn't falter. He gave her his toothy, dazzling dimpled smile and her stomach fluttered in response. "She gets it."
"So, how long have you two been shagging?" Malfoy cut through their moment with his boorish comment.
"We're not," Hermione replied at the exact moment Theo sighed with exasperation, and admonished with an eye roll, "Really, Draco?"
"My mistake," Malfoy placated, lifting his hands in supplication while taking a step back. His devilish grin, however, told her he didn't believe them.
The evening with Theo and his friends turned out a lot better than Hermione had anticipated when she'd realized he had Slytherin company. Gone were the hateful elitist boys she'd known at school. In their stead were men who'd grown into wiser, more tolerant people. The only thing that didn't change was their mischievousness. That included Theo Nott.
They were all perched on logs around a bonfire pit in Theo's backyard with empty wine bottles stacked like casualties on the table beside the fire pit in a neat row as evidence of how much alcohol they'd already consumed. They were steadily on their way to finishing another bottle as Hermione watched the men interact and reminisce about their years at Hogwarts.
She found it strange that Malfoy and Zabini appeared so relaxed in such a blatantly muggle set-up. Much like Theo.
The latter hadn't mentioned to her how or why he'd traded magic for muggle life yet, and she hadn't asked either. She couldn't recall a single instance where Theo had cast a spell since she'd set foot on the estate.
Suddenly, she wanted to know why. Blaming the copious amounts of wine she'd consumed, she blurted, "What's the deal with this muggle life you're leading, Nott?"
Conversation stopped for a long minute, with Theo, Malfoy and Zabini looking at each other like they were all in on a secret. Then Theo broke the tension with a low, deep chuckle that made her belly clench deliciously. "Just how long have you been holding back that question, Granger?"
Malfoy and Zabini grinned.
Sheepishly, Hermione blushed and looked down at her feet, kicking absently at a pebble. "A while I guess?" She shrugged, looking back up at the three Slytherins.
"The Ministry of Magic gave us a choice," Zabini said, deciding to take the lead. Theo and Malfoy seemed unconcerned by this. "Azkaban or exile without the use of magic."
"No magic at all?" Hermione gasped, appalled by the news. "Ever?"
She knew their roles in the war were terrible, but they hadn't been as deeply involved as the more seasoned Death Eaters. Between the three men here tonight, Malfoy had been the only one to actually take the Dark Mark. Their punishment seemed way too harsh. Sentencing a wizard to a life without magic was unconscionable.
"Ten years," Theo said from beside her. "Ten years in Azkaban, or ten years exile from the UK without the use of magic."
"In the end, it wasn't a difficult decision to make," Malfoy explained, seeming at ease with all of it. His casual indifference was certainly a surprise.
"It was quite a riot in the beginning," Zabini grinned boyishly. "Learning to cook with electricity. Using a mobile phone."
"Emails and Skype," Malfoy added with a mock shudder and barked a laugh. "It took me way longer than I'd care to admit, to realize that I didn't have to shout for people to hear me."
"Getting a license was the worst," Theo chimed in with a chuckle, shaking his head. "The looks I got from the driving instructors when I didn't know the first thing about a gas pedal, wipers, indicators, or a gear lever." He shot her a self-deprecating smile. "I mean, the steering wheel was easy enough to figure out. But the rest..."
"And just how exactly did you manage to get a license without an ID or a passport?" She asked, narrowing her eyes at the men in playful suspicion.
"Oh, we have passports, Granger," Malfoy smirked, leaning forward with a devious twinkle in his silver eyes. "The legality of said documents is up for debate."
Hermione snorted indelicately into her wine and gave Malfoy an indulgent smile. "Right. I should have guessed."
"We did what we had to do," Theo said and placed a large, warm hand on her thigh for the briefest of moments, but her body reacted like she's been doused in petrol and set on fire.
Goosebumps washed across every inch of her skin like a high tide wave, her blood sizzled with heat, and arousal smouldered deep in her belly. When she tipped her head back to look up at Theo, it was blatantly clear that he felt it too. His green eyes were dark and fiery, dragging from her eyes down to her lips, pausing for a few seconds before volleying back up to meet her stare.
The idea that Theo might share her feelings, however confusing and conflicting they may be, made fear spike in her blood. She hadn't been attracted to anyone else since him. She had no idea what to do with her attraction to Theo. She'd never expected to want a man again after everything that had happened to her.
Red lights flashed their warning inside her head, screaming for her to retreat immediately.
She cupped her hand over her mouth to stifle a fake yawn, and pushed herself up from her seat without stumbling, breaking eye contact with Theo. "I'm going to head home, guys. I think I've had more than enough wine for the evening, and I'm knackered."
The men looked put out, but she couldn't stay longer. She needed to put some distance between Theo and herself.
"Enjoy the rest of your night. I'll see you all in the morning." She gave a wave and turned to leave while Malfoy and Zabini echoed her greeting, taking care not to trip in her inebriated condition.
She only made it a few feet when a hand on her shoulder stopped her. "Let me walk you back," Theo said against her ear, warm breath puffing against the skin of her neck. She failed to suppress a shiver at the sensation, and stepped away from him to put some distance between them, avoiding his eyes."It's fine Theo," She waved away his offer. "I'll manage. It's really not that far."
"Granger," Theo sighed, exasperated at her stubbornness. "I'd sleep a whole hell of a lot better tonight if you just let me make sure you get home alright."
Hermione closed her eyes and pulled a steadying breath in through her nose, knowing she had no choice but to let him. The whole point of going home was to get away from him, but he didn't seem to get it.
"Fine," She said and turned away to start walking home, not waiting for him to catch up. Not that it mattered. One of his long strides equalled two of hers and in no time Theo was beside her again.
The tension between them ratcheted up to an unbearable level with every tipsy sway and bump of their shoulders and graze of their fingertips. Each accidental touch or brush against him sent sparks from the tips of her fingers straight to her core and as they continued to buffet into each other as they walked, the fire in her belly was growing.
She was in so much fucking trouble.
"Did you have fun tonight?" Theo asked when they were almost at her cottage, and shoved his hands awkwardly into his pockets. His head swivelled toward her, not quite looking her in the eye.
Maybe he felt it too - the mounting tension humming between them like electricity.
"I did, yeah." She smiled to herself and playfully bumped her shoulder into his before she fully realized what she was doing.
Stupid, idiot girl.
Their bodies; their skin needed less contact. Not more.
"I didn't expect to, but I guess Malfoy and Zabini have grown up a lot over the years. It was a pleasant surprise to laugh and joke with them, instead of throwing around slurs and insults, to be honest."
"Getting away from the toxic environments we grew up in helped a lot," He explained, looking straight ahead as he walked. "And this whole exile ordeal didn't hurt either."
"You say 'we'," She looked over at him, "But you were never like that in school."
"No," He sighed and shook his head, still not looking at her. "I guess I never understood the whole concept that muggleborns were somehow unworthy and unequal to purebloods." He shrugged, "What does it matter who one's parents are? Magic is magic."
They stopped in front of her porch steps, and Theo finally turned to her and looked her in the eye. "I mean, look at you."
"What do you mean?" She asked, keeping her gaze steady on him while she tried not to sway back and forth too much.
She watched him sift through one emotion after the other until he settled on earnestness. "You were always top of our class; smart, talented, and dedicated. Powerful and resourceful. I mean, Merlin, you helped Potter defeat, Voldemort."
She scoffed and looked down at her boots. "You make it sound much more impressive than it actually was."
He reached a hand out to tip her chin up with a finger, forcing her to look at him. "No," he whispered, shaking his head slowly. His eyes were steady on hers, serious, imploring and sincere. It was sending her pulse into a gallop inside her chest. "So fucking brilliant." Another whisper. And then his gaze dropped down to her mouth.
Her lips popped open, and when he leaned in to press his mouth gently to hers, so softly that she might have imagined it, a gasp tumbled out between them.
When Theo pulled away, their lips parting with a soft smack, one of her hands shot out and fisted in his shirt, the other cupping the back of his head to bring his mouth back down to hers.
And then Theo groaned against her lips...
In hindsight, Hermione blamed the combination of the alcohol and the deep bass of that groan for making her lose control.
The sound rumbled in his chest and reverberated through her body, igniting her blood.
Her lips parted when his mouth pressed harder against hers, allowing him to slip his tongue past her lips. His tongue stroked hot and demanding against hers; pushing and pulling until every last one of her reservations was razed to ashes.
Theo tasted like red wine and something innately Theo, spicy and male...fucking delicious.
If it weren't for the heady mix of alcohol, the heat of his body and his hands on her - one fisted tightly in her hair and the other curling around her hip - she might have been embarrassed by the loud moans slipping from her lips and the way she pushed her body tighter against his.
She was lost in him...
The heat between them escalated until they were creating an inferno, embers fanned hotter with every tug of his teeth on her lips and every slide of their tongues. Desire coursed through her veins and throbbed between her legs, liquid heat pooling in her knickers. She tipped her head back and keened loudly when he grabbed her thighs with those large hands and wrapped her legs around his hips, one hand slipping to her arse to push her tighter against him.
And then they were moving, her lips clinging desperately to his while her hands smoothed along his strong biceps, up over his shoulders and into his hair, fisting desperately to keep him from pulling away.
There was a loud thump when her back hit something solid - her front door? - and then rattled every time he ground his hips into her, hot and hard against that ache between her legs.
Their lips parted and she cried out in pleasure when his pace increased and he pressed even harder into her, the delicious friction against her clit sending her higher and higher; her back arching as she stretched to reach for her release.
So close.
Almost...almost there...
His fiery hand slipped under her shirt, smoothing over her stomach, squeezing the fleshy skin above her hip.
Her breath stuttered on its way out of her throat, and she arched against him again, desperate for release.
His hand let go of her hip, ready to explore further, rough palm climbing slowly up the ladder of her ribs, until his fingertips brushed the underside of her bra.
The moment Theo's palm closed over her breast, Hermione stiffened in his arms, arousal fizzling out like water to fire, and she pushed desperately against his chest to get away.
Reminders flashed vividly before Hermione's eyes as she doubled over, sucking in lungful after lungful of air, trying not to spiral into a pit of anxiety.
Theo had let go of her at some point - her feet once again on solid ground. She could hear his concerned voice speaking to her, pleading, soothing, but it sounded muffled and far away like she was underwater.
She remembered how he'd always tugged so roughly on her nipples, relishing the pain he caused her. Biting her so hard that he left blood pooling on her skin, teeth marks lingering for weeks afterwards.
Hermione clutched at her stomach, anxiety and nausea roiling through her, head dizzy with the slideshow of disjointed memories.
"Granger!" She heard Theo's insistent plead, sound bleeding back into focus as his palms cupped her cheeks, tipping her head up to face him. "Look at me."
He was on his knees in front of her, eyes wide and fearful, no trace of lingering heat and arousal left within its green depths.
"Breathe for me, Hermione," he implored, tracing his thumbs along her cheeks.
She slowly became aware of the sound of shallow gasps rattling in her chest, lungs burning and chest tight.
"You've got to slow down, Hermione," he murmured, eyes trained on hers as he pulled a deep breath in through his nose, encouraging her to follow his example.
She gripped his arms and nodded, closing her mouth to suck as much air in through her nose as she could manage.
Over and over he breathed with her until her breathing eventually slowed down, the dizziness and nausea dissipated, and the vise around her lungs loosened.
When Theo was sure that she had a handle on herself again, his shoulders sagged like this moment between them was too heavy to keep carrying. Like he was ashamed of himself. He looked down and shook his head slowly. "I'm so, so sorry, Hermione. I shouldn't have pushed you so far past your comfort zone. I got caught up in the moment, and I didn't consider your boundaries."
She opened her mouth to tell him that it wasn't his fault. To reassure him somehow that even she hadn't known she'd react like this in the heat of their passion. She wanted to make him understand that her reaction wasn't because of him. It was because of her past. She couldn't get the words past her lips, though. Instead, she said, "Thanks for walking me home." Then she turned away, pushing open her front door and stepping inside before carefully shutting and locking the door behind her.
She stayed rooted to the spot for two whole minutes, heart still pounding and hands trembling as she waited for him to go.
Only when she heard Theo's footsteps retreat from the porch and thump down the steps did she press her back against the door, sliding down to sit on the floor. She covered her face with her shaking hands, a sob slipping from her lips. Then the floodgates opened, fat tears tracking hot trails down her cheeks until she was crying bitterly into her hands.
Would intimate moments always be like this, triggering anxiety attacks and flashbacks? Would the memory of her ex-husband taint every future moment she tried to share with another man? Worse than that, though, would she always wait for the pain to come? The hands holding her down? The ugly, demeaning slurs and accusations whispered into her ear? Would she always remember the shame and the powerlessness of her hands and feet being bound as she was forced to take whatever her ex-husband chose to give? To punish her with? Treating her with immeasurable carelessness and violence? Could she handle it if any of it was "yes"?
A/N: So, that baggage, eh?
Let me know what you thought.