"Snape!" Sirius bellowed, pulling a half-awake Remus down the stairs. "Snape! Come quickly!"
"What?" Severus emerged from his room, eyes wide and fully alert. "What's wrong? Is someone trying to invade? Is Harry hurt?"
"No."
"Sirius Orion Black, let me go!" Remus jerked his arm out of Sirius's grasp. He turned to the potion master. "He's just excited that it's Christmas."
The animagus opened the door to the tot's room. "Let's wake up Harry and start opening presents."
"Black, why are you acting like a child?" Severus asked, running his fingers through his hair.
"Because he is one," Remus replied, glaring. "Haven't you figured that out yet?"
"I do not have the patience for this."
"Neither do I."
"Then why are you still friends with him?"
The lycanthrope shrugged. "He grows on you."
"Black," Severus sighed. "Why do we have to be up so early? Don't you recall that your wonderful cousin—the HOA president—scheduled a lovely meeting for tonight? I need my sleep to put up with Tuney and the sheer bureaucracy of the homeowner's association."
"But I want to see Harry open up all his presents," Sirius said, carrying the grumpy three-year-old on his hip. "Don't worry, Moony. I didn't forget about you, either."
Severus shook his head and descended into the living room. He came to the Christmas tree and yelped. "Black, you are a convict on the run. How were you able to get so many presents?" He stared in awe at the mound of gifts that dwarfed the actual tree.
"I am the sole heir of the Black family fortune, a fortune that includes multiple highly successful investments that continue to make money. I could spend my entire life buying things and my vault would not even look touched."
"And how were you able to get it all here?"
"Owl order has become very popular."
The potion master sighed and walked over to his liquor cabinet. He grabbed a decanter and some firewhiskey. "Killing him would end me up in Azkaban. Killing him would end me up in Azkaban."
Remus opened his mouth, about to remind Severus that technically, no one would know if Sirius were murdered by a sleep-deprived Hogwarts professor, but shut it very quickly. As much as he hated waking up early, he would not deprive his pseudo-nephew of his godfather.
"Come on, Snape! I have gifts for you, too!" Sirius called out over his shoulder.
"I'm scared," Remus whispered, looking between his two friends.
"If something jumps out at me, I cannot be held responsible for the events that follow," Severus said, refilling his tumbler.
"Fair enough."
They all sat down around the fireplace. Moments later, Narcissa popped through, a bouncing Draco on her hip.
"Lucius will be here in a moment. He's shrinking the Christmas tree and presents to bring them over here to open," she said, gracefully sitting down next to her cousin.
"But we have a Christmas tree," Remus said, motioning to Mount Gift-more.
"Yes, but we have a better one."
Lucius appeared in the flames, dusting himself off before pulling out a box from his pocket. "Is everyone ready for Yuletide cheer?"
"If that's the name of a mixed drink, then yes," Severus said, rubbing his head.
Lucius unshrunk the Malfoy Christmas tree, along with the mound of presents that rivaled Mount Gift-more.
The lycanthrope surveyed the scene. "We only have half a living room now."
"It's going to take us hours to unwrap all of these," Severus added, shaking his head in dismay.
"Should we wait for Vernon and Dudley, or…?" Narcissa asked, glancing around.
"Why would they be here?"
"I invited them."
Remus and Severus stared at each other for a moment. "I think we need to set some boundaries," the lycanthrope said to his friend. The potion master nodded.
"Vernon commented that Petunia's been in a sour mood lately," Lucius explained, setting up the Malfoy stockings next to Sirius's. "We offered here as an escape."
"On Christmas?" Severus asked, brow furrowed. "And my house?"
"We were sure you wouldn't mind. Harry's over here anyway."
"Harry and the Dursleys are two very different groups of people."
"Who knew Snape would prefer a Potter over an Evans?" Sirius asked, smirking.
"Shut that muzzle, mutt, before I shut it for you," Severus warned, eyes narrowing.
"Shouldn't we let the boys open their stockings?" Narcissa asked.
"If we want to have these open before the new year, we better do it quickly," Remus said, rubbing his head. "It's times like these I'm actually glad I came from a lower-middle class family."
"At least you got to call yourself 'middle' class," Severus said, smirking.
"Are we really going to talk about classism right now?" Lucius asked, taking the boys' stockings down and placing them in front of the toddlers.
Harry looked back up at Severus, confusion written all over his tiny face.
"For the love of…Harry, put your hand inside the stocking and see what Father Christmas left in there for you," Severus explained, his hands motioning taking things out of the sock.
"Did you remember to cast the expansion charm on Harry's stocking?" Narcissa asked, watching as Draco dove deep into the stocking to get some more sweets.
"Was I born yesterday?" Sirius asked in reply, watching with glee as Harry pulled out toddler-sized racing broom.
"Black, is it your sole goal in life to completely spoil Lily's child?" Severus asked, eyes wide as the child pulled out a meter long candy cane.
"You're just lucky that's the biggest they sold," Remus murmured.
Sirius jumped up and took a wolf-patterned stocking from over the fireplace. "Moony, don't forget your stocking."
"And Severus," Lucius walked over to his friend with a cauldron-shaped stocking, "here's yours."
"Please don't tell me there's an expansion charm on this one," Severus moaned, rubbing his head.
"Of course, there is! How else is one supposed to stuff a stocking?" Narcissa asked, smiling widely as Draco showed her a life-sized stuffed baby dragon.
"Oh, look," Remus said, holding up a candy cane.
"It was a two-for-one sale," Sirius said, shrugging.
"I'm going to start hiding those catalogues."
After they finished their stockings, they moved on to presents. Lucius doled the gifts out, and only sat down when the mountain of gifts had been dispersed equally amongst the residents of the house.
"Oh, look, sweater number ten," Remus said, holding up a cashmere-knit sweater.
"You always look so cold, Remus dear," Narcissa said, helping Draco get a ribbon off one of his gifts.
"Why do I need this journal?" Severus asked, holding up a "I Drink Because" diary.
"Well, you do drink an awful lot," Lucius said, smirking.
"However, if you are going to spend that much money on alcohol, you deserve to make some money off of those idiotic kids," Sirius added, laughing as Harry took to wearing a bow from one of his half-unwrapped gifts.
"Do not remind me of idiotic children. I am on holiday," Severus groaned, sipping some firewhiskey.
"But you have such great stories."
"How would you know?" Lucius asked, quirking a brow.
"He came by on Halloween to make sure Harry was okay, and he shared a couple with us," Remus said, checking out the newest edition of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
Narcissa held up a set of mother-of-pearl combs. "These are lovely, Severus!"
"I thought they would go nicely with that gown Lucius got you," the potion master said, smiling.
"How do you know what goes with what?" Sirius asked, mouth dropping.
"Because I'm not a blind fool?" Severus shook his head. "I grew up with my only friends being two girls. You learn a lot being forced to play house and go shopping."
"You and Petunia were friends?"
"I was being generous."
"Yeah," Lucius said, sniffing some cologne he'd just unwrapped. "Otherwise, he'd be down to one friend."
"Shut up," Severus grumbled under his breath.
"But look! Now you have four friends."
"That's still being generous with the term 'friend'."
Harry crawled over to show Severus his newest potions-making kit. "Uncle Sev, look!"
"I see, Harry. Are you going to be a potions master when you grow up?"
The boy nodded and toddled back over to where Remus sat on the floor.
"You heard it here, folks," Sirius said, pretending to use a candy cane as a microphone. "The savior of the wizarding world has decided to become a potions nerd."
"Black, do not tease a potions master unless you want to become wary of the food you are served," Severus said, eyes narrowing.
"Did I make fun of you?" the animagus asked, brow quirked. "All I said was he was becoming a nerd. I never said that was a bad thing."
"His father was the nerdiest of them all," Narcissa said, bouncing her son in her knee.
"What are you talking about?" Lucius asked. "Wasn't Potter Quidditch captain?"
"Yes, but once he became captain, Quidditch was all he obsessed about for nine months." She paused as she cocked her head. "That and how to get Evans to go out with him."
Remus's mouth dropped. "How on Earth did you know so much about James?"
"Uncle Orion wanted me to keep an eye on Siri while I was at school. Considering that he was always with James, I learned quite a bit about the star chaser."
"What do you know about me?" Sirius asked, sweat forming at his temples.
"Well, I know what brand of underwear you like," Narcissa smirked, "and how that mariachi band got into the Slytherin dorm fifth year."
The lycanthrope turned to Lucius. "Why didn't Voldemort choose her to be the spy?"
"It was discussed, but she refused to take the mark," Lucius said, shrugging.
"You mean, mar this perfectly porcelain skin?" She pulled up her sleeve to show her bare forearm.
"Let's just hope Draco doesn't inherit her vanity," Severus mumbled, looking over his newest potions book.
"Sev, did you open your present from me?" Sirius asked, holding out a rectangular package.
"Black, what did you get me?"
"You have to open it up to see."
"Is it going to curse me?"
"No."
"Is something going to jump out and bite, scratch, or kick me?"
"No,"
"I made him swear an oath it wouldn't maim you," Remus said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Just open the bloody package," Sirius said, crossing his arms and smirking.
Severus unwrapped the gift, revealing a framed certificate. "You made me an honorary marauder?"
"And he got it notarized," Remus said, pointing to the signature at the bottom. "You still have to sign the contract, though."
"Will I get to know all of the marauder secrets?"
"Yes, that's part of the reason I recommended he do it. It's hard to live in the same house when we have to keep deflecting."
Sirius handed Lucius and Narcissa similarly shaped packages. "We're a team now. We're family."
"And over lunch, I figured we'd tell a couple of those forbidden secrets, so that Sirius will stop babbling on about how to sneak into Hogwarts to retrieve the marauder's map," Remus said, rubbing his eyes.
"I thought you said nap," Narcissa said, quirking a brow.
"No, that's something different," Sirius said, waving her off. "That's what we did every Sunday afternoon."
"So, speaking of lunch, why don't we go to the dining room and have our Christmas feast?" Lucius suggested, moving the second Christmas tree out of the way to allow them all to enter the dining room unimpeded.
"And since you all signed the contract, we can officially tell you about how we turned the Great Hall into a jello pit."
"That was you?" Narcissa gasped.
Severus rolled his eyes. "Who else could it have been?" His eyes narrowed. "I thought you kept an eye on them."
"I wasn't allowed in the Gryffindor dormitory. What happened between the hours of nine at night until eight in the morning, I have no clue."
"We're also the reason the forbidden forest became forbidden," Remus said, shaking his head. "Do not try and have a tea party with acromantulas."
"I never thought someone would have to explain that to you, Lupin," Lucius said, brow furrowed.
"Eleven-year-old me was a lot more ambitious."
"And don't forget about the time we sent Wormtail into the Slytherin girls' bathroom," Sirius said, grabbing a dinner roll and passing the bowl. "That video made it into the top-ten."
"The top-ten what?" Severus asked.
"Oh, every year on New Year's Eve, we'd play our greatest hits. Moony would bring over his film reel and we watched our best pranks and laughed while sharing pirated firewhiskey."
"Who'd you pirate it from?" Narcissa asked.
"James's parents."
"Then it's stolen, not pirated."
Remus served himself some mashed potatoes. "Don't forget the time you went out and rolled in the mud and came back with fleas."
"Oh, yes, we finally get to hear about the fleas," Lucius said, perking up.
"About three weeks after he became an animagus, he went out and rolled in the mud close to a rat's nest. The rats were infested with fleas, and he caught some." Remus sighed. "None the wiser, he came back to the dorm and jumped on all the beds. The next week was the full moon, and you can imagine Moony's surprise."
"Madame Pomphrey made us all take flea baths," Sirius said, glaring at the memory.
"And for Christmas that year, we got him a flea collar."
"I still have that."
Severus's eyes brightened. "So, I can actually call you a flea-bitten mutt?"
"If we're talking solely based on factual evidence and events," Remus smirked, "yes."
"What is this Marauders Map?" Lucius asked, brow quirking.
"Ah, a fourth year project that turned out to be our best invention to date," Sirius said, digging in to his green beans.
"That explains nothing."
"It's a map of Hogwarts," Remus started, then paused. "A living map of Hogwarts."
"How does one make a living map?" Narcissa asked, helping Draco aim his spoon towards his mouth.
"One spends a lot of time in the library."
"And gets Pettigrew to bring snacks," Sirius added. "Man, he was a traitor, but he made a mean macaroni and cheese sandwich."
"What does a living map of Hogwarts entail?" Severus asked.
"It gives the whereabouts of everyone person in the castle at any given time."
"Including secret passages only known to the Marauders," Remus said.
"And any renovations," Sirius added. "It also includes a hilarious security measure."
"So, with this map, I could catch students misbehaving at any point in time?" Severus asked.
"Hey now! That was not the intended purpose of the map!"
Remus rolled his eyes. "You can uncover any amount of scandal with the map."
"How did you not notice me following you?" Narcissa asked.
"James and Sirius monopolized the map and they're both oblivious idiots."
"Hey!" Sirius whined.
"Sorry, lovable oblivious idiots."
"What scandals did you uncover?" Lucius asked, sharing a nervous glance with Narcissa.
"Well, for one thing, my brother and Severus were a lot closer than anyone ever expected," Sirius said, smirking. "They spent most of their time in broom closets."
"That's not what it looks like," Severus said, eyes widening. "We had a common enemy and met often to create plans of attack and defense. I am attracted to women, if there was any question."
"I can't believe my own brother would conspire against me."
"I guess that means I had three friends."
"We also learned that Draco could have had an older brother," Remus said, smirking. "Narcissa spent an awful amount of time in Lucius's head boy's room alone with him."
"According to my parents it was either him or Sirius," Narcissa said, huffing.
"And we're all glad you chose him," Sirius replied, wiping some grease from his mouth.
"Where did you say this map was, Black?" Severus asked.
"If I tell you, you must promise not to use it against pranksters."
"I need it to defend myself. I have this one student who is one sneak attack away from giving me a heart attack."
"Really?" Lucius asked, grinning. "Do tell."
"She's an insufferable first year. Somehow, she was born a metamorphmagus and it causes her to be terribly clumsy. She's broken three cauldrons already, and it's only her first semester!"
"Wow!" Remus whistled. "Pettigrew's record was two in a semester."
"She also likes to use her talent as a shapeshifter to impersonate me. She almost had two of my Slytherins convinced they had detention with Filch for starting the Holocaust."
"She's ambitious," Sirius said, smirking.
"She befriended Charlie Weasley, the second in a long line of Weasley children. She lent him the Shakesperean play Romeo and Juliet and I overheard them planning to steal some of my draught of the living death to reenact the death scene in front of the entire school." Severus crossed his arms. "They're holding auditions and now I have to lock up my draught of the living death."
"Why wasn't it locked up before?" Remus asked, brow furrowed.
"If some idiot sneaks into my stores and decides to take a sip, who am I to try and stop him? It's natural selection at its best."
"I don't think that's what Darwin had in mind when he proposed his theory."
"This young lady sounds like quite a handful," Narcissa said gently.
"Oh, she is. And this is her first semester! I have six-and-a-half more years of her," Severus said with a sigh.
"What's this girl's name? Maybe I could go talk to her parents," Lucius suggested.
"I need to go into my files and look up her parents' names. I should have contacted them after the pixie debacle, but Pomona refused to let me handle it. Something about her not meaning to release a gaggle of cornish pixies in the Great Hall to sprinkle powdered asphodel around like dust."
"How did the pixies get a hold of powdered asphodel?"
"That's why I wanted to handle it. I especially felt it necessary when she called out that the only way that Tinkerbell could live was if we all believed in her."
"Tinkerbell?" Narcissa asked, mouth turned down.
"Peter Pan," Remus said, crossing his arms. "Sounds like the girl's a muggleborn."
"I'm thinking more along the lines of half-blood," Severus replied. "She has enough knowledge of the wizarding world to suggest at least some magical parentage."
"What's her name, Sev?" Narcissa asked, blowing to cool down her food.
"Nymphadora Tonks."
Narcissa gasped, causing her to choke on her food. Remus patted her back to help the food dislodge.
"Dora?" Sirius gasped, eyes widening. "She's a firstie?"
"You know this hooligan?" Severus asked, glaring.
"She's Andromeda's girl," Lucius said, smirking.
"Of course," the potions master sighed. "She's related to Black. I should have known."
"The Holocaust line really was a nice touch. Go big or go home," Remus said, smirking as rubbed Narcissa back. She'd finally gotten the food back to the right pipe, but she still struggled for air.
"Sounds like Andy's got her hands full," she said, gasping one more time before taking a sip of water.
"I haven't even told you about her Dumbledore impersonation, or the fact that she convinced seven first and second years to take an aging potion and then morphed herself into the Disney version of Snow White, leading her band of seven dwarves singing, 'Heigh ho, Heigh ho, it's off to work I go.'"
"Well, where did they go?" Lucius asked.
"Don't ask."
"Sounds like she's into Walt Disney," Remus said.
Sirius turned to Narcissa. "When's the last time you talked to Andy?"
"Before she ran off with that mudblood," Narcissa replied. "Rumor has it she was already pregnant."
"Don't you think we could use a more polite term around the dinner table?" Remus asked, taking a seat. "Besides, you're head of a muggle HOA committee. I would think you should no longer be so anti-muggle."
"I am over the muggles. I didn't marry one."
"I think I actually heard the dark lord say that once," Severus said, staring at the ceiling to avoid looking directly at the glaring woman.
"Maybe it's time to let bygones be bygones," Remus said, patting Narcissa on the shoulder.
"How would Lucius explain to the dark lord his wife reconnecting with her blood traitor sister?" Severus asked.
"We don't even know Voldemort is going to come back," Remus said, crossing his arms.
"There's rumors of strange goings-on in Romania. Albus is certain that Riddle prepared himself in case of death."
"But that doesn't mean we should live our lives out of fear of his return. What if he doesn't regenerate until next century? Dora would miss out on getting to know her aunt and Narcissa would miss out on making amends with her sister."
"It doesn't matter. We have to prepare for the worst."
"You are such a pessimist."
"Why don't the two of you get a room already?" Sirius asked, smirking at the two of them. "It's completely up to Narcissa to decide. Lucius can spin it any way he wants, if he's a good spy. Besides, not every wife does exactly what her husband tells her to."
"Well-behaved women rarely make history," Narcissa said, flipping her hair over her shoulder.
"Which is why I now have to make brownies for an HOA meeting tonight," Remus grumbled under his breath.
Sirius turned to Narcissa. "So, in this narrative of you living in this house, who is your husband?"
"Severus, obviously," she replied, taking his hand and kissing it. The potions master blushed.
"Oh," Lucius said, scowling. "In a game when I'm accused of adultery, I have to sleep on the couch. In real life when she makes a play at my best friend, I'm just supposed to sit here and take it."
"Welcome to real life, Lucius," Narcissa said, smiling. "We women rule the world."
"At least, the household," Sirius said.
"And the HOA," Remus added.
A few hours later, the crew arrived at the recreation center. Severus turned to Narcissa.
"So, do we walk in holding hands, or…?" he asked her. She rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand. Lucius trailed behind them carrying both Draco and Harry, while Remus carried a platter piled high with brownies and cookies.
"Went a little overboard, didn't you Lupin?" Lucius asked under his breath.
"Sirius bought two hundred pounds of chocolate chips. I had to use them somehow," Remus replied quietly. Beside them, Sirius barked, jumping up to try and snag a brownie. "No! Bad dog. You can't have chocolate. You'll get sick."
"Well, I'll be, if it isn't the little band of gypsys," Petunia said, glaring at the gang as they entered.
Narcissa smiled back, moving her arm to wrap around Severus's lean frame. "Petunia, darling, so nice to see you again."
Vernon walked over to speak to his wife, when he caught Narcissa leaning her head against the potion master's shoulder. "Hello Severus, Narcissa." He scowled. "That's quite a promotion. Do you and Lucius just share now, or…?"
"Moving on," Remus said, pushing past the crowd to put his tower of sweets onto the refreshments table. "Vernon, my good man, please tell me you spiked that punch you promised to bring."
"Wouldn't be Christmas without eggnog," Vernon replied.
"How much did you make?"
"I figured four quarts was enough."
"We shall see," Remus said nervously. "I brought firewhiskey just in case it isn't."
"I do love that stuff you introduced me to." Vernon took a swig from the flask the lycanthrope handed to him. "Enjoying having your brother back home?"
"It's nice. Thank you for letting Harry stay with us. You know how much he adores Sev," Remus said.
"Never quite understood how he latched on to the lad. Boy's a menace."
Sirius barked madly and growled. Remus grabbed his collar.
"Sev has a way with kids. Just look at how he handles Draco."
The crew turned to watch Severus lift the blond boy off the ground and twirl him around.
"How exactly does that dynamic work?" Vernon asked, brow furrowing.
"That depends. Can you keep a secret?"
"Alright everyone," Narcissa called out, holding the microphone to her mouth. "Please, take a seat. We're about to get started." Everyone grumbled and took a seat. "Now, we have called this meeting because someone…who shall remain nameless…has started a petition to ban dogs and miraculously received enough signatures for a motion to be held."
Petunia stood. "Dogs have become a menace to society. Just the other day, one tore up my flower beds."
"Now, please take a seat. Everyone will have an opportunity to be heard."
"You're just sore because the Snape dog mucked up your house," someone yelled from the crowd.
Severus leaned over and whispered into Lucius's ear, "He's mine now?"
"Well, if you and Lupin are brothers, technically he's Remus Snape," Lucius replied.
The potion master's eyes widened in horror. "You did not…"
"How else were we supposed to explain two bachelors living together? Would you prefer lovers?"
"As I said earlier today, I am attracted to women."
"And now you have a wife," Lucius said, motioning to Narcissa.
"Yes, and Vernon's about ready to have a seizure trying to figure out how that all works," Severus said, rubbing his eyes.
"Well, we still had to explain Lupin. It was either brother or the relationship with your wife was going to be very strange."
"It's not exactly normal now." Severus glared. "Why couldn't she be his wife?"
"Why would they be living with you?"
"She could then be my sister."
"So, your sister and brother married each other?"
They stopped as they caught Narcissa, who was glaring at them. They smiled sheepishly and she motioned for the next person to stand and plead their case.
Finally, it came to a vote. Forty-to-ten voted for the allowance of dogs in the neighborhood. Arabella Figg, one of the few who voted against the dog allowance, marched over to Severus and Lucius.
"What do the two of you have to say for yourselves?" she asked, arms crossed.
"What are we being accused of?" Lucius asked, brow quirked.
"You…you…dog lovers!"
The blond shared a glance with his friend. "I was unaware that was a crime now."
"And I'm not so sure that I love dogs, especially the one in my house," Severus added. "I think of him as more of a nuisance." The man shrugged. "However, it's my brother's dog and I…love…my brother…" He gritted his teeth.
"Well, at least your wife moved in with you," Arabella said, crossing her arms. "People had begun to talk."
Lucius smirked. "So we've heard."
"And who exactly are you?"
"I'm…Narcissa's brother."
"And where's your wife?"
Vernon came over and patted him on the shoulder. "I know, it's a strange set-up, but quite a few people have started wife swapping. It's all the rage in France. Lucy here shares her with Sev."
"You share two wives?" Arabella asked, scandalized.
"No, just Cissy here."
"His sister?"
"Okay, everyone. Time to go," Remus said, rushing Severus and Lucius out the door.
"You told him we swap wives?" Severus said through gritted teeth.
"It was either that or tell him Cissy wasn't actually living there."
"You couldn't have told us that before we made up the sister story?" Lucius asked, crossing his arms.
"Wait? Why would you say she's your sister?" Remus asked brow furrowed.
"Well, we couldn't go for a third brother. Three completely unrelated looking children is a lot more suspicious than two."
They had now reached home, and Sirius transformed back. "And now we've completely scandalized Arabella Figg."
The next day, Arabella Figg marched herself over to number 5 Privet Drive and slammed her fist into the door.
"How may I help you, Tune…" Remus paused and paled. "You're not Tuney."
"Remus Lupin, what were you doing at the HOA meeting last night?" Arabella asked, arms crossed.
"Mrs. Figg," Remus said, beads of sweat forming at his temples. "What are you doing here?"
She glared as Padfoot came to the door. "I believe I asked you first."
"I'm here living with my brother."
"I didn't know you had a brother."
"My parents were ashamed of him. He was a squib."
Figg glared. "That makes no sense. Your mother was a muggle."
"Yes, she was," Remus looked up to the sky, "however, he looked nothing like my father and a lot like my uncle."
"She slept with his brother?"
"No, with hers." He watched her eyes widen in horror. "Step-brother. I meant to say that, didn't I?"
"I swear, Remus, your family…"
"It's a generational thing."