Sirius threw the eye of newt in the air and caught it with ease. "Sirius Black makes the catch. He shoots." The animagus threw the potions ingredient into an empty cauldron nearby. "He scores!"

Lucius shook his head. "If I did that while Sev was brewing, he'd have my head."

They all turned and looked at the potion master, who was currently standing over the cauldron, gritting his teeth. After a moment, he smiled eerily.

"It's okay. It's fine that he's been practicing Quidditch with my ingredients." Severus turned and walked over to a simmering cauldron. He stirred several times, remaining silent.

Remus looked over at Sirius and shook his head. "Either you're a dead man, or Sev has finally gone around the bend."

Lucius sighed, picking up Draco. "I'll give the eulogy."

"How is Narcissa doing?" Sirius asked, trying to stave off talk of his impending doom.

"She and Selene are doing well."

"Are you glad you had a daughter, or were you hoping for a son?" Remus asked, leaning against the table.

"I have one of each now. I'm content," Lucius said, letting Draco sit on the countertop. "Why isn't Harry here? We should begin discussing plans for the joint birthday party."

"Why are we joining them?" Severus asked.

"Not with Draco! That would be madness! I discussed it with Augusta Longbottom, and Neville needs some friends…"

"Lucius, you didn't."

"I swore her to secrecy. She won't tell Dumbles." Lucius shrugged. "Besides, it was Black's idea."

"Way to throw me under the Knight Bus, Cous," Sirius said, grabbing some more eye of newt to toss.

"Sirius, potions ingredients are not toys," Remus said, trying to take the eye from his friend.

"I had a strange flashback to when I was apprenticing with Slughorn," Lucius said. "You and James Potter were the reason I decided not to teach potions."

"Here, Black. I have something for you," Severus said, forcing a vial into Sirius's hand. "Take this."

"What will it do?" Sirius asked, looking at it suspiciously.

"If my calculations are correct, it will temporarily age you."

"Why would you want to make that?"

"I was bored," Severus said, looking off wistfully. "I thought back to my days as a teenager wanting to get firewhiskey."

"Aren't there already temporary aging potions?" Remus asked.

"Yes, but those tend to not be able to stop, and end up leading to death within twenty-four hours," Severus explained, eyes glinting madly. "This one only ages you forward twenty years."

Sirius shrugged. "Sounds like fun." He gulped down the potion and set the vial down.

The doorbell rang. Severus stared down at his notes. "Lupin, would you mind getting the door?"

"Why me?" Remus asked, crossing his arms.

"Because Lucius doesn't live here and I'm busy."

The lycanthrope sighed and rolled his eyes. He ascended the stairs to answer the door.

"Seriously, Tuney, enough is enou…" Remus stopped as he realized who was at the door. "Professor Dumbledore! You're not Tuney, either."

"Remus, my boy! And there's no need to call me Professor Dumbledore any longer. Call me Albus," the elder wizard said genially. "May I come in?"

Remus stood in shock. Albus slid through the opening and helped the lycanthrope shut the door.

"What are you doing here, sir?" Remus asked as he shook his head.

"Well, Arabella Figg came to me last month and told me about her new neighbors, Remus Lupin and his brother, Severus." Albus's eyes sparkled. "Of course, I had to come over and investigate."

"Yes, well…"

"Moony!" Came a cry from the other side of the kitchen. "Help! He's trying to force more potions down my throat!"

Before anyone could say anything more, a four-year-old Sirius Black ran through the door and jumped into his friend's arms.

"Oh, and who is this?" Albus asked, coming to take a closer look at the boy.

"Umm," Remus said, looking down at his best friend, now the size of their nephew.

"Come back here you little scamp and take the antidote," Severus yelled, running after him. "Oh, Albus!"

"Severus? What are you doing here?" the headmaster asked.

"Uhm," Remus said, looking back at his friend. "Severus…is helping…I was hoping…He came to me about…"

"We're experimenting with Wolfsbane," Severus said.

"Yes, so he came to my house to give me this month's dose," Remus said, nodding. 'What happened?' he mouthed as Dumbledore looked closer at the small boy.

"And who is this?" Albus asked, motioning to the boy in Remus's arms. "And why does he need an antidote?"

The two men stared wide-eyed at each other.

"He's…" Severus started, mouth bobbing.

"He's Severus's son," Remus said quickly.

"Severus, my boy," Albus's eyes sparkled, "I had no idea you had a son."

"I didn't either," Severus said, through gritted teeth. "Until recently, that is. His mother died a month ago, and wrote me down in her will, claiming I was the father."

"He asked Lucius Malfoy and I to verify the results of the paternity tests that are brewing downstairs," Remus said.

"So, Draco and my now-confirmed son were playing in the garden and he ate some poison ivy." The potions master held up the vial in his hands. "Which is why he needs the antidote. It's not deadly, but also not highly recommended for four-year-olds."

Sirius cuddled up into Remus. "You're warm."

"What's his name?" Albus asked, looking delightedly at the young lad.

Again, both men stared at each other.

"Regulus," Severus said after a moment.

"The woman named him Regulus?"

"She was a lower-level death eater, originally from France, who befriended Regulus and me. One thing led to another and…" Severus motioned to the boy. "She never told me about him, so it came as quite a shock when the will named me as his father and guardian."

"Well, this is great! He'll be coming to Hogwarts when he's of age?"

"NO!" Remus and Severus yelled together.

Albus furrowed his brow. "You mean, he's not magical?"

"What we mean to say is, since he wasn't born in England, his name is probably not on the list for Hogwarts," Remus said slowly.

Albus pat Sirius's head gently. "Don't worry, lad! I will make sure your name gets on the list." He turned to Severus. "What's his full name and date of birth?"

"Uhm…" Severus said, gulping.

"Regulus Orion Snape," Remus said quickly, "and November 3rd, 1979."

"You know a lot about Severus's son," Albus said, brow furrowed.

"His birth certificate is downstairs. I've been examining it to see if it was forged." The lycanthrope looked back at his friend. "It's the real deal."

"Perfect! And I'm sure we'll be seeing him this coming school year?"

"Why on earth would he be coming to Hogwarts this year?" Severus asked, frowning.

"Well, you can't leave your four-year-old son alone, and no government agency would allow Remus to care for a child long-term," Albus said, patting the werewolf's shoulder.

"Why can't he stay with Lucius and Narcissa?" Severus asked, eyes widening in horror.

"Now that you're on the side of light, you probably don't want to be seen conspiring with Death Eaters," Albus said, pointing to his head. "It would also not look too good for my new spy to be on speaking terms with my old spy."

"Very reasonable point, sir," Severus said, gritting his teeth.

"I will enlarge your rooms so that he can have a bedroom of his own."

"How kind of you, sir."

"I shall be off!" Albus turned, about to leave when he paused. "By the way, I was wondering, what led you to choose to move here, Remus?"

"The landlord is very reasonable and the rent is cheap," Remus said shrugging. "And he is very understanding about my lycanthropy."

"No other reasons?"

"Should there be one?"

"None that I can think of." Albus paused once more. "Are you still searching for Harry Potter, Remus?"

"Every day," Remus replied, moving toward the bookshelf. "Would you like to see my map of England? I've been trying to narrow it down. I think he might be with a clan of light-siding Blacks in Scotland."

"Then, why did you assume I was Petunia? Did you know she lives nearby?"

"Petunia Dursley? Yes, and I've asked her loads of times if she knows where Harry is, but she always says, and I quote, 'Why in the world would I house the freak? I wasn't even close to Lily.' Then, she slams the door in my face."

"Not on good terms with her, I'm guessing?" Albus asked, smirking.

"She's not a big fan of my dog," Remus explained, looking down at the boy in his arms. "Though, he's very sick. I don't know if he's going to make it."

"I'm sorry, Remus. Hopefully he'll pull through."

"Thank you, Albus."

Albus walked out the door. "See you soon, Severus." With that, he shut the door.

Remus and Severus took a deep breath. Meanwhile, Sirius giggled maniacally.

"Man, Moony! That was the best practical joke I've ever pulled on Dumbledore!"

"What did you do?" Remus asked. "I thought it was supposed to age him."

"So did I!" Severus said, throwing his hands in the air. "Apparently, I was wrong. Now set him down so I can give him the antidote. I do not want Regulus Orion Snape to live past this evening!"

"Regulus Orion Snape?" Lucius asked, walking through the kitchen doorway. "Who's that?"

"No one. Now take this, Black," Severus said, thrusting the vial into Sirius's hand.

Sirius gulped down the potion and they waited. And waited. And waited.

"How long did it take for the potion to take effect?" Remus asked.

"About two minutes," Lucius said, setting Draco down so that he could examine Sirius more fully. "The antidote should have worked by now."

"Are you saying that's not the antidote?"

"I was experimenting. I figured this should counteract the potion, but it's not an exact science," Severus said, huffing in frustration.

Lucius waved his wand in the air. A glowing four hovered over the boy. "This is not good."

"What was that spell?" Remus asked, brow furrowing.

"It shows the magical age of whoever you cast it on." The blond pointed at the number four above Sirius. "It's saying that his magical age is four."

"What does that mean?"

"It means," Severus sighed, "that the potion was not a temporary potion."

"What does that mean?"

"It means," Severus rubbed his eyes, "I apparently have a son."

"Why on Earth would Black be your son?" Lucius asked, brow furrowed.

"Yes, Remus, why on Earth would Black be my son?"

The lycanthrope shrugged. "I panicked!" He scowled. "You weren't coming up with an explanation any quicker than I was."

"Why couldn't he be your son?"

"Lycanthropy!" Remus threw his hands in the air. "They'd take him away from me. Werewolves are not allowed to be the sole guardian of children."

Lucius sighed. "That still doesn't explain why you said Sirius is Severus's son."

"The person at the door was Albus Dumbledore," Severus said, flopping onto the couch. He put his head in his hands. "Black and I came running through the door while Remus here was trying to explain why he moved one hundred yards away from Harry Potter."

"I was able to spin it so that he believes Petunia is hiding Harry from me," Remus said.

"She'll go with it," the potions master said, nodding. "She knows the consequences of telling the truth. I made them abundantly clear at the beginning."

"So, do you think he'll move Harry now?" Lucius asked.

"We have more important things to worry about than if Dumbles decides to move Harry!" Sirius exclaimed. He scrunched his nose. "I sound like a four-year-old."

"Because you are a four-year-old," Remus said sighing.

"Then how can I think like a twenty-four-year-old?"

"It deaged your body, not your mind," Severus explained, jumping up to grab some firewhiskey. "Physically, you are four. Mentally, you are twenty-four."

"This is a mess," Remus moaned.

"So, let me get this straight," Lucius said, accepting a glass from Severus. "Dumbledore now believes you have a four-year-old son?"

"Yes."

"I do believe congratulations are in order, Sev."

The potions master moaned. Sirius crossed his arms over his chest.

"Hell, no! He is not going to be my father!" The deaged animagus stomped his foot.

"If we want to keep this charade going, he will be," Remus said, scowling. "If Dumbledore finds out who you really are, it's off to Azkaban, whether you're fully of age or not."

"Plus, we risk losing Harry," Severus said, rubbing his eyes.

"How so?"

"If we lied about one thing, we're less trustworthy. We easily could have lied about others."

Lucius sighed. "Cissy is not going to be happy."

"I think she'll find it hilarious," Severus said, sipping his whiskey.

"How do we plan on explaining this to the actual four-year-olds?" Remus asked. "I mean, they're bright, but I hardly think they're at an age where they understand keeping this a secret."

"We tell them Padfoot had to go away."

"But they know about Sirius."

"And I'm Harry's godfather," Sirius said with a huff. "You can't deprive him of his godfather."

"I'm not depriving him of anything!" Severus said. "You are not legally old enough to be his godfather."

"What if he needs advice?"

"You can give him advice no matter what age you are. Besides, you can be another Potter's best friend."

Lucius straightened. "I believe Draco's already taken that role."

Remus threw his hand in the air. "Have we all become four-year-olds? Are we really fighting over who is Harry's best friend?"

"At least this won't be too hard for Black," Severus said, smirking. "He's acted like a four-year-old for ages."

Sirius turned to his friend. "Please, don't make him my father."

"It's out of our hands, Padfoot." Remus sighed. "It was either him or Lucius, and we really can't have that scandal."

"Couldn't I be Draco's twin?"

"Why would they have kept you a secret?"

"I don't know. Lucy and Cissa have always been weird."

"It's a moot point," Lucius said. "We can't go back and change it. We're in too deep."

"And why can't I be killed off?" Sirius asked, pouting.

"First of all, we would still have to try and explain the appearance of a random four-year-old," Remus said, rubbing his eyes.

"We could find an antidote eventually."

"Besides that, the magical registry automatically updates when new wizards and witches appear in England," Lucius said, laying his head back on the couch.

"But won't Sirius Black appear?"

"When you were deaged, I believe it was like you were newly born. Therefore, you had no name or identity until Lupin gave you one."

Sirius glared at the werewolf. "Thanks a lot, Moons."

"Think of it this way," Remus said, rubbing his eyes. "You had a rotten childhood. Walburga abused you, and James and I used to say that was probably why you never matured emotionally like we did. Maybe this is a way for you to heal, to have a good childhood that will bring some closure…"

"You think it will be any different with Snape as my father?"

"Excuse me," Severus huffed, "but I would never harm a child. I was abused too, and I promised myself I would never be like him."

"See?" Lucius said.

"He still hates me," Sirius whined.

Severus nodded. "I'll agree with him on that point."

"You two even agree on something!" Remus said, clapping. "And this way, you could raise Sirius to actually be well-behaved."

The potion master's eyes widened. "I can control him."

"That's not what I said."

"But if he's my child, I'm in charge of making the rules."

"Theoretically, yes."

"He has to listen to me."

"Again, theoretically, yes," Remus said, grabbing some whiskey from the wet bar.

"Moony…" Sirius whimpered.

"Well, if that's settled, we need to discuss some things," Lucius said, pulling out his wand.

"What things?"

"The things you normally discuss when a child is born." The blond whipped out some parchment and started writing. "We need to quickly get a hold of a birth certificate. I don't doubt Dumbledore will want to see it sooner rather than later."

"We already told him we have one," Remus said.

"Even more reason we need to make one up, and fast." Malfoy continued writing. "Who will be godmother?"

"Moony, please be my godmother," Sirius said, pouting. "I need a parent who loves me."

"Sirius, I am not a woman," Remus pointed out.

"But you can't be my godfather…"

"I might be able to pull a few strings in that regard," Lucius said, smirking. "Especially if what Lupin said about the werewolf registry is true."

"So," Remus quirked a brow, "I could be godfather?"

"You never registered?"

"I already told you so."

"Then, I will make sure you never get on their radar." Lucius jotted down a few notes. "Now, godmother?"

"Narcissa, obviously," Severus said.

"No! Not my cousin!" Sirius huffed.

"We are short on women. Unless you want Petunia, you will accept Narcissa graciously."

"And the child normally does not get any say in this," Remus said, crossing his leg. "You're lucky you do."

"Dumbledore won't take too kindly to Narcissa's name on the certificate," Lucius said, shaking his head.

"And he won't understand my name on the certificate."

"Well, I'm very short on friends." Severus crossed his arms. "I'm sure he'd be understanding of my experiment being the godfather, given the circumstances."

"And, like you said, we're short on women. Unless you want to pull Minerva into the mix," Remus said, sipping some whiskey.

"Oooh! I would love Minnie as a godmother!" Sirius said, smiling.

"My child will not have two Gryffindors as godparents," Severus said, shaking his head. "One is hard enough to explain."

"With that decided, who shall we put down as the mother?" Lucius asked, still taking notes.

"Any old French name should do," Remus said.

"As long as they're known purebloods," Severus added. "No French half-bloods and definitely no muggleborns."

"Whyever not?" Lucius asked. "I thought you were okay with them. You were in love with Evans."

"The only way we could explain her naming him Regulus was that she was a death eater. Very hard to explain why a French half-blood would join the dark lord and impossible to explain a muggleborn."

"You're a half-blood," Sirius said, scowling.

"Yes, but I live in the area. It was convenient to join." Severus glared. "She would have had to travel hundreds of miles to join a group bent on her own destruction."

"Fair point."

"I do believe I knew a woman from France who began rising in the ranks right before the dark lord's defeat," Lucius said.

"Is she dead?" Remus asked.

"She easily can be."

"Hold off! We are not killing off a woman just to keep our secret."

"I meant legally," Lucius replied, though his face fell slightly. "We can forge a death certificate. She can't very well fight it without having to admit to being a death eater, which is an automatic life sentence in Azkaban." He cocked his head. "And knowing her propensity for alcohol and recreational potions, she may very well be dead anyway."

"So, a drug addict for my mom and a dead beat death eater for my dad," Sirius said, pouting. "It doesn't sound any different from my last childhood."

"Dead-beat? Dead-beat?" Severus glared. "I am a very successful potions master, thank you very much!"

"And Lord of the Prince family," Lucius added, smirking.

"Wait…You're a Prince?" Sirius asked, brow furrowed.

Severus gritted his teeth. "Yes."

"We're related."

"As all pureblood families are."

"We should probably consider some form of blood adoption," Remus said, looking for Lucius's ever-growing list.

"Who would ever ask for proof? Why would anyone want to claim him as their child if he was not?" Severus asked.

"We need to cover all our bases."

"And considering how accident prone I remember Sirius being, he will probably need some sort of blood transfusion at some point," Lucius said, smirking. "Do you really want to explain why his own father would not be a match?"

"What about the Black family fortune?" Severus asked. "Wouldn't a blood adoption mess with the blood match required to access it?"

"Well, technically, with Black and Bella in Azkaban, the fortune falls to Cissy," Lucius said nonchalantly. "She definitely doesn't need it, and could easily want to bless her godson with it."

"Wait," Remus set down his drink, "how was Sirius able to get a hold of his money at Christmas?"

"If you have enough money, the goblins don't care who's in Azkaban and who's not."

"But legally…"

"Goblins don't care about legalities. Sirius's name is on the deed. He had the ability to access the account." Lucius scowled. "However, if he were dead, the account would transfer to the next legal heir."

"So, we kill off that guy in Azkaban pretending to be me, and Sirius Black dies?" Sirius asked. "But I don't want to stop being Sirius."

"You stopped being Sirius Black the moment you took the potion," Lucius said, sighing.

"Well, he'll always be Sirius," Remus conceded. "But for the time being, we need Sirius Black dead. This will just give Regulus Snape the ability to live." He smirked. "Besides, Siri, you get a do-over. A new life, with a hopefully better family." He looked over at the potion master, who sat pouting.

Severus sighed as all eyes turned to him. "Fine. We'll try to work this whole father-son thing out."