Chapter 21: Lost and Gained

Her feet were cold. That was the only thing that Hermione was really aware of that early in the morning.

The reason for this was because she couldn't sleep, yet again, and so she had decided to take a leaf out of Luna's book and go down to see the thestrals. Funnily enough, these creatures that were so intrinsically linked to death also comforted her in a weird way, making the outskirts of the forest seem much more welcoming in the dewy morning light.

When she had first arrived they had seemed wary and so she had just watched from afar, sitting against a tree trunk and taking them in. After a bit of time, one had come over to her, and then another, and suddenly the whole herd became comfortable enough to just let her walk amongst them.

Hermione remembered when she had first experienced them during Hagrid's class in 5th year she remembered how a feeling of fear and dread had surrounded her, even though she couldn't even see them. Now, however, while she was able to look upon their ghostly, creepy appearance, she actually found herself more comforted and calm. Maybe she should be more concerned that she felt so safe around a creature that many considered as an omen of misfortune.

So much had changed recently and it was nice to just sit out and think, even if it was freezing. With December, a flurry of activity seemed to have descended upon the school in preparation for the final exams and for the winter ball. Hermione had predictably focussed primarily on the former, only indulging Marlene and the girls a couple of times to help pick out her dress for the latter.

Right, left and centre found students panicking that they didn't have a date, a dress or enough makeup and Hermione really couldn't be bothered to hear any more of it, especially when she wouldn't be able to go with the person she actually wanted to go with. She gasped quietly and shook her head to clear those traitorous thoughts away. As she had been doing a lot recently.

Ever since that night a week ago when she had had an almost 'moment' with Snape, Hermione could barely think straight. There were so many conflicting emotions fluttering around her head and she couldn't put her finger down on one.

First of all, the underlying feeling that tainted everything was dread. Maybe it wasn't because it was Snape, maybe it wasn't because of anything at all, but she couldn't help but feel something dark in the pit of her stomach that told her she had made a mistake. Revealing anything about her past was not wise, and yet she had told him pretty much every incriminating thing about her, all based on a hunch that he wouldn't betray her.

Of course she hadn't revealed the details like where everything was hidden, the important people in her life, and the dates that matter. But Snape knew enough to cause damage, and even then, they both knew that he would be able to find what he wanted in her mind very easily. The only promise she had made him make was to not tell anyone, but in hindsight, she became aware of how naïve she had been.

Telling people to protect Voldemort was only part of the problem, both the man she had been taught by and the boy who had become her friend both had something in common. Their ambition. He could still work alone against both parties to ensure a favourable outcome for himself, because if a Slytherin was anything, they are self-serving.

The feeling she had that labeled Snape as safe could also be wrong as well. There was no point denying that she had developed some tentative feelings for the boy, and yet maybe that's all this was; a misguided crush.

It's not like he didn't know and wouldn't reciprocate in some way if she initiated something, given by his reaction when he had last gone through his mind. Yet, could Hermione really pursue something when she knew he was in love with someone else?

At this point, Hermione was sure that it wasn't love that Snape felt for Lily, seeing as they hadn't really talked in a year and a half. It was more like an all encompassing obsession for the idea of a girl that he had invented in his head. She knew that Lily herself could never live up to it, so Hermione didn't have a hope in hell.

And yet, Hermione was lonely. Crippling so. Maybe that was why she had so easily given into telling someone the truth; because the thought of continuing in this way was too difficult to bear. She could finally breathe in regards to her secrets, so why couldn't that courtesy continue with her heart?

In the time it took for her to weigh up her options it was obvious to see that the cons far outweighed the pros. Yet in the moments where her mind settled, she couldn't help but think back to the times in the library where they laughed together, or when she just looked at him while he wasn't watching, taking in his dark eyes and flowing hair. Her fascination was getting out of control.

The weird thing was, was that she could no longer see the boy and the man as the same person anymore. If anyone had asked her a year ago if she was attracted to Professor Snape, she would have laughed in their face and felt ill at the thought. Even now, she would probably have had the same answer, but this new man had completely thrown her off.

It wasn't just because she was confused by seeing him young, because by that reasoning she would probably have been attracted to Remus, Sirius and the younger Death Eaters as well! The thought of Dolohov's hungry eyes still gave her the creeps.

Of course she had noticed them, it was quite difficult to not see Sirius as the Adonis-like beauty that he was, and yet she hadn't felt that warmth when she saw him walk into a room, like she did with Snape. His effect was also slightly deadened by the fact that his good looks also drew the majority of the girls and some boys in the room as well.

Furthermore, more often than not, Hermione found herself feeling his eyes follow her more and more, and not in a friendly or romantic way. It began after the full moon at lunch after she had decided to start the next batch of Wolfsbane Potion. Spending the lesson with a blushing werewolf had reminded her that she had forgotten to start at breakfast with all the excitement surrounding Mary and Remus.

It wasn't until she was well into eating her lunch that she noticed that he had been staring at her, but when questioned over it, he just shook it off like usual. Moments like these kept popping up in the past week, he continued to dismiss them in the same way and so Hermione had given up asking. Unfortunately that hadn't stopped him from watching her.

When Remus and Peter had approached her with their concerns regarding her friendship/relationship with Snape she realised that this may have been why he was now acting so weird. However, he never brought it up, even when she had to deal out Bat Bogey Hexes for the other three boys when they kept pestering her. It was none of their bloody business.

Soon, Hermione was shaken out of her thoughts of the boy by none other than his brother. Regulus was walking slowly towards her with his head bent down, staring avidly at the grassy floor with a frown set avidly on his face. His walk was slow and meandering, but it was obvious that he had a destination in mind; the stump that she was resting against.

"What are you doing here?" He burst out as soon as he saw her, surprised that the spot he often sat in was being taken up by her, "You can't sit there."

Hermione only scoffed at his demanding tone, "And why not exactly? I don't see any sign or plaque that dictates that it is yours."

"Well it's my seat. I always sit there in the mornings, so you can't take it. Now move!" He petulantly replied.

She just rolled her eyes and leaned backwards leisurely, "No I don't think I will. I was here first and so I've got first dibs."

Regulus's scowled and it was obvious that he was pondering whether to wrestle her for the seat or to just sit by the tree facing her. He chose the latter with significantly more grumbling than was necessary. "What are you doing out here anyway?" He bit out while he wiggled around on a root that Hermione knew made the other seat uncomfortable.

"I could ask you the same thing, not coming down here to ask the thestrals to kill some Mudbloods for you, are you?"

Regulus began to roll his eyes but then stopped when he realised what she had said, "Thestrals? What thestrals?"

Hermione scoffed and gestured to the large herd that now surrounded them again, "These thestrals. They seem pretty comfortable with you, so you must have come down here often." She was amazed that the conversation was continuing given the way he had been ignoring her for the past few weeks.

"Well I come down here in the mornings to think because I find it calming, I had no idea that I wasn't alone." He looked distinctly disturbed at the thought that he had been comforted by these beasts without even knowing about it, unknowingly spilling his secrets to them for months. "What do they look like?"

The question was so quiet that she barely heard it, but she replied, reaching her hand up to stroke one of their noses, "I'm sure you've read about them, but they are much creepier in person. The bat links wings are massive, but they usually keep them tucked in. The really odd part are the eyes; completely white and empty. That is other than the skeleton body and thin slimy skin, all black of course."

"You forgot about the fangs and the tail," Regulus replied to her list of features that seemed to have come straight from a textbook.

She just smiled, "Between you and me, but I don't really fancy seeing their fangs any time soon."

He just snorted in agreement before turning to look at her weirdly, "So is what they say true, you have to have seen someone die?"

She nodded silently, still absently stroking at the thestral's nose before he interrupted again, "Was it your family, the ones that were murdered?" At her sharp look, he suddenly seemed to realise how insensitive and rude that statement was, "Sorry! What I mean is, if you don't want to tell me then that's okay, but I'm just curious."

For some reason she found his bashful apology quite endearing and so decided to reply, "Actually it was a friend of mine from school. We had practically grown up together and then, he just died." Hermione wasn't exactly sure why Neville's death at the battle had stuck out to her at this moment given the number of other people that she had also seen die that day. The silhouette of his burning body standing rigid, the slash of the sword and the sound of his body hitting the ground often reoccurred in her nightmares.

Regulus's face displayed a multitude of emotions in the space of a moment before he tucked his chin into his chest, "That must have been difficult, I'm sorry for your loss." Although this quiet and respectful response surprised her slightly given who she was talking to and the argument they had been having recently, Hermione just smiled and thanked him.

After neither of them could think of another thing to say, they soon elapsed into a comfortable silence, each thinking about their own problems. When Hermione had got frustrated enough thinking about calm waters and blank sheets of paper, she decided to opt for another way of entertaining herself.

"What are you thinking about?"

He jumped like he had forgotten that she had been there, "The winter ball."

Hermione smiled, and teased, "Ooooh, excited are you? I'm sure you've got plenty of girls trailing after you."

His frown deepened, "Well obviously, I am the Black heir."

Hermione only chuckled at his self-important tone, "Well then who's the lucky lady?"

Regulus turned his gaze towards her, "No one yet, I haven't decided."

She nodded consolingly, "That's alright, you don't have to go with anyone if you don't want to."

He just sneered at her, "Thanks for the advice, but I kind of do. Not that it's any of your business."

"Why?" She cut in, ignoring his comment.

He just stared back at his feet where they were resting in front of him, his voice droning out like he had been told this multiple times before. "It is the duty of the head of the Black line to ensure that they find a wife and produce an heir."

"Regulus you're 17."

"16 actually, my birthday is in June." Hermione just stared at him, "Even then, I apparently need to start making connections." He sighed deeply, showing that it was really bothering him.

"Do you want to get married and have kids?" Hermione tentatively asked, knowing that he may not reply.

"Obviously, just not for a while yet, and even then I don't think they'll get the heir they were hoping for."

Hermione felt the beginnings of hope start in her chest, "Oh, do you like a girl who's not a pureblood then?"

"What? No." Regulus replied quickly and defensively, as though he had lost track of what they were talking about.

"Can you not have kids?" She asked in surprise, but he just gave her a dark look.

"As you have just reminded me, I'm only 16, how would I know if I'm infertile?"

Hermione was now feeling defensive, "Well I don't know, do I? A Mudblood wouldn't know about what tests purebloods carry out and I can't see another reason why you couldn't produce an heir if you aren't infertile or like someone who isn't a pureblood."

He just stared at her for a few moments and then looked back at the floor, swallowing deeply, "Why do you call yourself that if it so offends you?"

Momentarily stumped that he would allow her this opening to talk about his bigotry, she paused before continuing, "When I use it, it's just a word. But when others use it against me it becomes a weapon in order to belittle and be cruel."

"So you would like me to stop using it then?" He whispered quietly.

She caught his eye, "That is what a friend would do." The silent question that followed hovered in the air. Are you my friend?

"I guess I can try to stop, it's not like everything I've been told about you can be true given the evidence." He gestured over her entire body, making her smile.

"Thank you Regulus. I endeavour to please, and that was almost a compliment!"

His scowl returned, "Don't get cocky Dumbledore, we both know that you're still a stuck up know-it-all." Hermione had never felt so glad to receive the insult in her life.

She could see that he was trying to change the subject given his defensive comment and so Hermione decided to be merciful, "So who have we got up in the running for your date? Obviously we want someone who won't get the wrong idea and immediately start planning the wedding after you ask them out…"

Regulus leaned forward as she took out a quill and some parchment and they began to brainstorm, both throwing ideas back and forth in the quiet of the morning light.

Hermione and Regulus tentative friendship slowly began to grow again after they often met in the mornings when she found it too cold to fly. As she had found with British weather, the promise of Christmas did not ensure snow, but instead lots more rain, and they often found themselves huddling together under the tree canopy and multiple charms.

He always tried to stop himself exhibiting his bigotry, but a few comments always slipped out because it's hard to stop yourself when it's been ingrained into you for so many years. Progress could be seen however, when he noticed every time he did it and swiftly apologised. What didn't change was how much of an annoying younger brother he was acting, although he just claimed that it was part of his charm.

They decided that the girl he should take would be Edwina Burke who was a pureblooded Ravenclaw who obviously played for the other team. She swiftly agreed to going to the ball and the ball alone with Regulus, making sure that he knew that she was doing it just to please her mother. This suited both parties particularly well.

His brother, on the other hand, was not so lucky in the lady department, reportedly having asked no less than 5 different girls to the ball, which caused quite a violent fight to break out when they all realised at the same time. Sirius's ego was now astronomically large, but had decided to go stag and lay low for a while when he heard that McGonagall was out for his blood.

In a sudden change from his usual style, James did not ask out Lily by serenading her from the breakfast table like he usually would. He had finally realised that that was her idea of hell, and instead took her on a romantic stroll of the grounds, and asked her where they had sat beside the Great Lake.

Marlene said that she had grown bored of boys and decided to be Alice's date for the evening, in the place of an absent Frank, much to the heartbreak of the multiple people who asked after her. Hermione could barely set foot into their shared dormitory for the bilious stretches of fine fabrics and raucous colours that filled the floor. Marlene was determined for the pair to be the most dazzling and well dressed couple of the school.

That only left Severus, who had also decided to go alone, although Hermione couldn't help but notice a pretty sixth year girl trailing after them at the most random moments. The girl in question was a shy muggleborn girl from Hufflepuff that Snape never noticed and Hermione couldn't help but send her heart out to her, even if she was often annoyed by her presence wherever they went.

Hermione was glad that she and Peter had decided to go together because it meant that she knew that she would enjoy the evening and she wouldn't have to bother finding someone to go with and then let down later. Even then, it hurt to see a pained look cross Peter's face when he saw all of the happy couples, not yet ready and safe enough to tell the world about himself.

Luckily, when everyone else had become too concerned in their own love lives, that meant that Remus and Mary were finally being left alone. This development led to Hermione accidentally stumbling upon them secluded in the odd corner or two, talking and laughing together. The way that they sprung apart each time, like they were children doing something wrong, was equally hilarious and adorable.

One evening when the Gryffindor seventh years were all lounging in front of the fire together, Hermione received a letter from Dumbledore telling her that there would be an order meeting on Christmas Eve. Cursing his timing, Hermione honestly believed that he had planned this, just to get her into an uncomfortable situation.

"What's that Mione?" Alice murmured, looking up from a letter that she was writing to Frank, who she was planning to stay with over Christmas.

"Yeah, you don't see us getting personal messages from the headmaster often." Mary looked up confused.

Hermione chuckled and came up with the most plausible excuse she could think of, "Uncle Albus just wants my help with present ideas for his brother I think."

James laughed from where his head was resting in Lily's lap, "I forgot that you were related to the guy, even when we call you Dumbledore all the time."

She nodded and made to get up from her comfortable armchair, annoyed that she had to keep up this ruse, when she could just be spending time with her friends. However, as soon as she got up she noticed that Sirius was quickly moving away from her, almost as if he didn't want to be caught reading the letter from over her shoulder. Hermione pushed the thought aside and left through the Portrait Hole, safe in knowing that the parchment was charmed to only let the person that it was intended for be able to read it.

Hermione had absolutely no intention of going to find Dumbledore, she began to stroll around the castle aimlessly in order to fill the time for her friends to not be suspicious. Predictably, her first destination was the library, but upon realising that it was close to closing, she instead decided to go and check on the Wolfsbane Potion. After all, Remus would be changing alone this month and so he would need the potion more than ever.

It wasn't that she was seeking out the young Death Eaters, but she had started to notice how they had stopped popping up around her. Even now, she realised how vulnerable she was, wandering around alone in the dark, and yet she knew even without the Marauders Map that they wouldn't seek her out. She would be more bothered by why they had decided to stop, if she wasn't so preoccupied and just happy that they had.

After she had checked on the potion and had determined that all was as it should be, she left the Room of Requirement. However, as she stood in the corridor, ready to return to Gryffindor tower, Hermione felt something tugging at her hand to reach for the doorknob again. This time, when she entered, she instead found herself in the familiar room of hidden things.

When she had first ventured into this timeline, one of the first things that Hermione had done was to find and to check on the only Horcrux that was available to her. Thanks to this, she knew exactly where in this maze the diadem could be found. She made sure to check on it time and again and so now she could practically run through blindfolded, and still find it.

Ultimately, Hermione had decided to leave the horcrux where it was because she knew that it would inevitably be there in twenty years time and so this was probably a much better hiding place than anywhere that she may find. Furthermore, if she moved it to nearby her, like under her bed or in her trunk, there's no knowing what it may do to those that are exposed to it for extended periods of time.

The room was echoingly silent as usual, and the darkness of the night outside was reflected back in the décor of the room, even though there were no visible windows. To dispel the darkness and make her feel much less like she was being watched, Hermione began to sing to herself.

The haunting melody abruptly ended when she turned around the final corner, taking in the battered bust where the diadem was usually placed. It was gone.

Up next is Chapter 22: The Christmas Ball Part One