"Sad" sounds so childish, like something flimsy, something one should be able to cast aside with a happy reflection of a friend. However, 'sad' is nothing is like that. It sits inside my heart, germinating the seed of doubt, just waiting for the right conditions to grow.
I don't know how long it's been since the words 'get out' were said to me with disgust coating each letter.
Enough time for me to realize coming to Zelena's house was putting myself in front of the angry mob waiting to pelt me with stones and stab me with pitchforks.
It was enough time for me to analyze the nature of the relationship Regina and I claimed we had. Was our attraction only sexually? Did Regina really love me?
Did I really love her?
It was enough time for me to overthink every single question and still come up without an answer. I realized how vulnerable I was, how powerless and fucking frustrating it was to know that things will never be the same again. It was also enough time for my emotions to bounce from regret to anger which was draining. Leaving me empty. Leaving me numb. The way an eye of a tornado must feel as it rolls across the plains knowing it will only leave destruction and chaos in its path. The tears I shed haven't dried, I'm tired but when I close my eyes sleep is nowhere to be found. Because it's my heart that has shut down, not my brain.
My sigh filled the room in such a way that was unrecognizable and I rolled on my right side hearing the couch creak underneath me.
"You still haven't gone to sleep?"
I shifted my gaze to the left, seeing Zelena adjust positions on the reclining chair she had fallen asleep on, "No. Sorry if I woke you up." Ugh, even my voice sounds not Emma-like.
"I would say you should get some sleep but I'm sure you've been telling yourself that all night." She stood up and I felt the light breeze brush against my face as she walked by. "Turning on the light."
A grunt trickled through my lips as if that were an appropriate answer though Zelena didn't seem to mind as the light in the kitchen turned on. I sat up slowly, my muscles felt heavy like lead had been injected in them. The blanket cascaded down my body in the process, eventually puddling to the ground when I swung my legs over the edge and stood. I did my best to stretch out the knots and kinks that had made a home in my body, then trudged to the kitchen, and with less grace then shitty grace I fumbled my ass onto one of the barstools that sat on the opposing side of the sink.
"Coffee?" Zelena asked as she dug through the cabinets and pulled out a mason jar full of coffee grounds.
"Please." I answered before resting my head in my hands. Gently I rubbed my eyes with the heel of palm to hopefully help clear the fog I was in and some of the tension that seemed to be in the air. This is the most Zelena and I have talked since she picked me up last night, and I appreciate her not pressing the subject. Which is why I called her in the first place. But a part of me feels like I owe her an explanation of some sort. I dropped my hands from my face and clasped them together in my lap, stealing a glance at Zelena who was busy pouring water in the coffee pot, I took a few hushed breaths before opening my mouth.
"Hey, can we talk?" Yuck, my voice is so fucking gravely.
There was a slight pause in her movements before she nodded, dumped the rest of the water, pressed the 'on' button, then turned around to give me her undivided attention.
"You know you don't have to tell me." Zelena's eyes bore into mine and lips spread to show off her reassuring smile.
"I know and…" My shoulders raised as I took a deep breath in, "maybe that's the reason I want to."
"Okay then, my ears are all yours."
The fresh morning brew filtered under my nose calming the low key on set of nerves that bubbled around in my stomach. "Okay, um, last night…Regina and I, we-" fuck this is so hard to say, "it's over." Those two words were meaningless on their own but together they made a powerful duo. Strong enough to break the cage my heart struggled to build overnight as heat slithered up neck to settle in my cheeks. My eyes burned, I tried to blink away the salty drops but a shuddered breath rose from my chest and broke out, cueing my eyelids to close and the tears spilled down my cheeks.
"You don't have to say anything else Emma." Her soothing words did nothing to stop the thin watery streaks. A hand was placed on my shoulder and I felt my body lean against Zelena's touch. She let me sob quietly, not once pushing the what and how of the situation. I wasn't sure how much time had passed but the low throb in between my temples had told me I needed to calm down before I gave myself a full blown migraine.
I took in a deep breath, shook off the hand that had been so comforting, and wiped my eyes. "Sorry." Wasn't sure if I could be heard but it was the best I could do.
"You have no need to be sorry Emma." She dragged her hand back to her side of the counter and straightened her back. Lifting her arms overhead, Zelena stood on the tips of her toes and stretched. Just as graceful as her sister she moved about the kitchen, grabbing two mugs from the cabinet. A few more minutes and I finally managed to get myself together enough to form a sentence.
"I do, I shouldn't have come here." I replied, shaking my head and internally scolding myself.
"I think you should have." Zelena couldn't get over to me fast enough almost breaking the mugs she had let go of in the process. Her arms wrapped around me and at the same time placed her chin on my shoulder. If I'm being honest it felt good to be held tight. It wasn't Regina's arms to help shield me from all the shitty problems of this world, but Zelena seemed to evoke a momentary sense of relaxation that pulled me out of the trough. She started to rock us back and forth while her cheek pressed against mine without complaining about how wet it was, and her chest flush against my back. "Right now you are a disaster, and of course I'm no Regina-though I'm just as beautiful, regardless of that very small but big detail-"she chuckled which put a smile on my face, "I'm here for you."
"But, aren't you suppose to be on her side?" I asked, leaning the rest of my weight, knowing Zelena would hold me. She responded by tightening her grip.
"There is no choosing sides when things are complicated."
Got it. She wasn't going to be the person to tell me that Regina's right and I'm wrong nor was she going to be the one who says I was right and her sister was wrong.
"But I'm not sure that it is that complicated." Because it's not. "I was the one who essentially signed off on the relationship."
"I find that hard to believe." Zelena said with so much certainty that she almost had me thinking I didn't give Cora the ammunition to destroy what Regina and I were so close to having. After a soft kiss to my temple she let me go and returned to her position in the kitchen.
"No, it is. If I didn't give Cora my phone then she wouldn't have had access to our texts and Regina's job wouldn't have been threatened-"
The fiery scoff that erupted out of Zelena cut me off.
"Of course she threatened her job." She poured two cups full of dark coffee, and grabbed the creamer from the fridge, then sugar from the cabinet.
"She set the whole thing up like a fucking project." I continued, "Printed out the texts with exact times and dates."
"In chronological order I presume?"
"Oh of course!" we shared a soft chuckle like every day giggling at an inside joke. Zelena passed me my mug and I immediately curled my fingers around it, enjoying the light buzz my body was feeling from the smell tickling my nose.
"Well at least she didn't send any pictures." And I felt the red tint that had graced my cheeks wash away as I thought about all the pictures of her breasts she sent me when she was on her birthday cruise. Thankfully Zelena had her head down so she missed that, I decided not to comment.
"It was still enough to freak Regina out." I mumbled.
"Can't really fault her for that-"
"I thought you weren't choosing sides?" my tone already turning sharp from the jump in conclusion.
"I wasn't finished. She also shouldn't blame you for mother's actions." She lifted her head and brought the mug to her lips.
"Oh." Yea oh, because what do you say after that? I ran my nimble fingers through my hair, pausing to hold it behind my neck. "We were so close too."
"I know, but maybe the Universe has bigger plans for you. Everything happens for a reason."
"Bigger than Regina?"
Zelena set her cup on the island and reach across to cup my cheeks in the palm of her hands, bringing my gaze to hers. "Regina isn't the only one who will love you." Her soft fingertips gripped my skin as her white teeth peaked out from under her lips. "Yes, we're blessed with fantastic genetics but so are a lot of people." She winked much like Regina would when she was trying to cheer me up. "You are a catch Emma. You must start believing that."
"Thanks." And in this moment I gave myself permission to actually smile. "If I still wanted to go to Greece I'd probably see if you wanted to come."
"When you go, maybe I'll meet you there." Her hands fell from my face and went back to her coffee. She leisurely took another sip and glided out of the kitchen, beckoning me to follow with the wave her hand. I got out of my chair, quick to get comfortable on the couch I was previously laying on. Even though Zelena had a house it was still set up very similar to Regina's. They both sort of had this light contemporary vibe, ya know, classy but with some personality. "Are you seriously not going to go now?"
Her question brought me out of my thoughts and I blinked a few times letting my brain register what she asked, "I don't know." I took a less than quiet slurp, ignoring the lingering gaze from my, what would you call her, I guess you could say we're friends. "I wish I was still kid because skinned knees are easier to heal than, whatever the fuck it is I'm feeling now."
She let out a small chuckle simultaneously drawing up her legs to rest on the couch. Zelena stretched out, placed her feet on my lap then leaned her head against the pillow behind her.
"I remember the first time my heart was broken." She closed her eyes and a nostalgic sigh fell from her lips. "Good ol' Remmie King. When he broke it off my entire world caved in. I'll never forget the feeling. But-" She wiggled her toes to and somehow I knew that meant she wanted eye contact, "Do you want to know what's funny about a broken heart?"
"Currently can't see anything funny about it." Maybe I lacked the imagination.
"A broken heart isn't fatal." Zelena answered, rolling over my sarcastic half attempt of an answer. "Though we wish it were, life continues on and you have no choice but to continue on with it. You take the hand that fate has dealt you and you press forward because there is nothing else that can be done." Well that's…encouraging…? "Sometimes we have to shatter the flattering image that we had of ourselves, in order to discover two truths: that we are not who we thought we were; and that the loss of cherished pleasure is not necessarily the loss of true happiness and well-being." Zelena's tone had shifted from playful and cheery to hard and determined, believing every single word she spoke.
"I just," pity circled my heart in abudance. "We were so close." Once again, I repeated the obvious. "I thought we had made it."
"I know, come here." She reached out to place her coffee on the glass table that sat in between the couch and the flat screen television. I wasted no time, getting in the little spoon position. Zelena curled around me, tenderly rubbing up and down my arm with the tips of her fingers. "You should get some sleep, it's only 5:20, plenty of time to rest before I take you home."
Nodding silently, I let my body relax against hers, "You're a great friend Zelena."
"If only you met me first, right?" she joked, settling in my behind me, putting another smile on my face.
Either my parents rented an elephant and it's tearing down the house or we're having an earthquake, regardless I refuse to get out of my bed. I groaned inwardly, draping the covers over my head in the process hoping that this would somehow shield me from the day. My weekend has been filled with a battle of emotions. Telling my friends was harder than I thought it would be but after the reboot of sleep each night I am calm, the day filled with so many opportunities. By the evening sadness wells up, anger and doubt rushing to the fore, and I know it is time nap these feelings away. I wonder how my crazy dreams stitch my brain up every night.
"David no, she shouldn't be-." My mom's not so quiet voice slithered through cracks of my door.
"She's going to school." dad retorted, not letting mom finish her sentence.
She didn't have a chance to interject before my bedroom door swung open, slamming against the wall with such force that it caused me to jump. The heavy stomp neared until I felt an annoyed presence hover over me. Covers were pulled off aggressively and I slammed my eyes shut, curling into the fetal position.
"Emma get up." His unwavering voice did not scare me. Not yet anyway.
"No."
"Oh did you think that was a question? Get. Up."
"No." I repeated.
"Fine." Wait, did I win?
A high pitch squeal burst out of me as I felt the ice cold liquid cover my body. I sat up, feeling the shivers ripple through me. No I guess I didn't win. I glared at him but he didn't care. He was not fazed in the slightest. "Told you to get up."
"Not cool." I shook my arms like that would somehow help me dry quicker. Dad was sporting a direct, stern look, not in the mood for whatever excuse I had to avoid do anything for the day.
"I'm not letting you miss this time little bit of time you have left with your friends."
Mom threw her hands up in the air at his remark with a loud scoff to match the scowl on her face. Deciding against sharing her thoughts with the rest of us she, rolled her eyes and stomped out of my room. I shared a glance with dad but the impassive expression on his face told me I wouldn't be getting any answer about whatever the fuck that was.
"We'll see you downstairs." He replied, then pulled his mouth into a tight line before subtly shaking his head as he left bedroom. The emotional tension between the two of them was palpable even after I heard the steps retreat down the stairs.
When the door was closed and I finally had some privacy I slipped out of my wet clothes and dragged myself out of the bed. Exhaustion tugged on my body, wanting me to go back under the covers. Who gives a shit if it's wet or not? Trudging to the closet I skimmed through my outfits wanting to go with basketball shorts and an over size t-shirt. But the thought of Ruby and Jefferson babbling on about a clean appearance for the last day of school had me deciding on something else. So I went with jeans shorts that ended just above my knees, a black tank top, and a red flannel shirt wrapped around my waist. This was the best they were going to get from me today.
I resumed my morning routine thinking about the silver lining that could be hidden in today's event. I'm really trying, but all I can think about is the real possibility of seeing Regina, or worse, running into her. How would I react? Would I be able to remain calm, or would I fuck up again and blow our cover in front of everyone this time?
It's been three days, I should be over it. But the sad, pathetic fact is: I'm not. I'm angry. She tossed everything we had been working towards away. We tried to be careful, yes we caved into our feelings but we went about it the best way we knew how. And for it to end the way that it did, so sudden-one minute I'm on top of the world and the next…
Well let's just say it is a kick to the balls. All the puns in the word intended.
When I felt human enough to face people again I walked downstairs, spying my back near the door, and catching the quiet whispers of my parents. I didn't need to pick up on actual words to know they were talking about me. Ever since I told them what happened between Regina and I there's been some serious strain in the house. The loving, caring, got get 'em attitude had been replaced with agitation and stress. Their once affectionate greeting were now stoic, subtle nods. An almost robotic peck on the cheek instead of a kiss to the lips, and that's just when the sun is up.
At night harsh whispers turn into arguments and end with dad slamming the door to the garage and mom hiding in the bedroom.
Tucking some strands of hair behind my ear, I took a deep breath and walked in the kitchen. Neither of my parents so much as flinched when I entered, so I made my way to the table where I found my oatmeal coupled with a plate of sliced strawberries. The patter of their footsteps grew closer before they stood by my side. Dad tapped the table cueing me to sit while tense silence circled around us. Spoons quietly bounced off the bowls as we pushed the mushy oats around, every now and then putting some in our mouths.
My curiosity peaked so I took a chance and glanced at mom then dad. They looked beyond tired. Bags hung under their eyes, which swam with a hesitation that I'm not use to seeing. It was clear they were both tangled in emotions, none of them good.
"So," I started, taking my eyes off those sad expressions and back to my oatmeal and strawberries, "did you guys sleep okay?"
From under his lashes dad peered at me and nodded, "It was alright. How are you feeling?" Good question, how am I feeling?
"Like I want to crawl back in my bed and barricade myself under the sheets."
The sound of mom's familiar huff wisped through the air, my eyebrows furrowed, directing all of my attention to her. Feeling me, she glanced up, pursing her lips at the same time.
"You shouldn't be going to school anyway." Her clipped tone spiked my anxiety in such a way that almost made me nauseous.
"Mary Margaret, stop." Dad replied before I could ask 'then why are you making me?'.
"No David, I will not stop. What if she's runs into that woman-"
"Regina." I interjected.
"-and her mother finds out? Then what David? Is that when you would want me stop?" she finished, railroading over my comment. Her shoulders gently shook as if she couldn't control the feelings building inside of her. Should I say something? I feel like I should.
"She's got two days left of school." My dad calmly answered.
"I don't give a shit if she had two hours." My mom, not so much. "Use your brain David. Do you realize what's at stake?" she pushed her bowl away and folded her arms over her chest. Dad looked at the ceiling while his fingers idly played with the stubbles of hair growing on his chin from not shaving. Maybe this is my chance to stop the impending explosion that is bound to happen.
"Guys." I muttered.
"I am using my brain." He mimicked in a sarcastic tone, ignoring me. "However you are only thinking about yourself."
"So now I'm the one to blame?"
"Your twisting my wor-"
"Guys." I piped up again but it was no use. They were in too deep to hear me.
"You are the one who isn't thinking about the consequences-"
"I AM!" dad shouted back, causing both of us to jump in our chairs. He stood up with so much power that tuffs of my hair blew from air that blew my way.
"ARE YOU?" mom copied his movements, balling her fingers in the palm of her hand, and never taking her heated gaze of dad's. "Do you realize the things we could lose if this were to go public. How do you think the board will react if they get wind of this? Huh? That my underage daughter was having an affair with her teacher?"
Irritation crawled under my skin at the word affair. It wasn't just an affair. We loved each other. Or love each other.
Or…
"…Do you think they are going to give me a certificate that says 'great job on being a progressive parent'?" she grabbed her bowl, ready to head for the sink when dad spoke and stopped her.
"I am very well aware of the consequences. But I'm not going to let Emma just run away from this. Stop being so damn selfish."
Oh shit. It just got real. Her entire body stiffened and I watched her fingers slowly let go of the bowl. It shattered as soon as it hit the floor, spilling the contents out in the process. She didn't look back at him, just stood there with even breath until she stalked out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
What in the fuck just happened? How did that escalate so quickly? Was this my fault?
I stood from my chair and walked to the trash can, I didn't get very far before dad held up his hand.
"You're going to be late. I'll clean this up." His voice much softer than it was a minute ago. With his shoulders slumped he shuffled over to me, placing his hand on my shoulders when he was close enough. "I know what you're thinking. This isn't on you."
"Are you sure?" I tried to joke, feeling the familiar burn behind my eyes. "Kinda feels like it."
"I'm sure Emma." His saddened eyes momentarily dropped to the floor and his teeth nibbled on his lip. "But I do think it would be in everyone's best interest if you did your best to avoid her today."
"Regina, you mean." I corrected before nodding in agreement. Shouldn't be too hard since I'll be gone most of the day thanks to this senior trip. He smiled at the ease of my surrender and leaned in, placing a soft kiss on my forehead.
"Try to have a good day."
"That's too much pressure." Untangling myself from him I stepped away and forced a smile on my face.
"Then have the day you have." He returned the gesture.
We shared some goodbyes, then I walked back into the foyer to grab my backpack. I yelled upstairs to mom, getting silence in return. The frown was quick to appear while I made my way to the garage, gluing itself permanently to my face as I started up my bike, and headed off to school.
Looks like reality has hit us all.
The sun was out, the birds were chirping, and the cars were minimal. But even the colors that summer brought out in nature couldn't life my mood, and the birds sounded like loud roosters stroking my nerves. I took my time on the road, not seeing a sense to rush for my last few days at this school. Also, there was no telling if I was ready for the big group bear hug my friends would surely give me, this was my chance to push that off a little longer. Especially after I convinced to enjoy their weekend instead of tending my bullshit. It's not just my last few days of school it's theirs too, and I don't want them spending post prom trying to cheer me up. What's the fun in that?
I turned the corner and when my eyes made contact with buildings at the end of the road my stomach dropped.
Light waves of nausea rolled along my intestines and the blood from knuckles drained as I gripped the handle bars in attempt to keep balance. Chatter and laughter grew loud as I neared, and just like I thought Belle, Ruby, Killian, and Jefferson were huddled by my spot. Another deep breath filled my lungs, nerves ran up spine, when Regina's glistening white car was spotted, and the familiar heat spiraled throughout my body. I can do this. I can fucking do this.
I pulled into the lot, weaving through students seeing Belle point in my direction. The rest followed and they lined up to the curb waiting for me to park. I barely had enough time got get my helmet off before they engulfed me in a hug. My body stiffened at the contact, even more so as a slew of 'Emma, I'm so sorry' circled around my burning ears. The pressure was released enough for me to get off my bike and they huddled around me once more, tighter than before. I wiggled my head in between Ruby and Belle's and place my chin on their conjoined shoulders. I sighed at the comforting, tender pattern running up and down my arm from the many hands trying to console me.
Nobody asked how I was doing and I appreciated that. Obviously I'm not doing well, and the one person that I wish to talk doesn't want anything to do with me.
"You're going to get through this, babe." Belle cooed beside me.
"Yea, you always do." Killian added.
Cautiously they let go giving me a chance to see the sympathy swimming freely in their eyes. "Thanks." I mumbled, letting Ruby take the helmet out of my hands and adjusting my backpack to keep my mind from wandering, or rather my eyes. But my luck is running on fumes and the angelic laugh that I once looked forward swallowed my ear drums. It was all I could focus on. The battle of flight or fight was raging inside me, it was a tug of were between irrational and really irrational.
Don't do it. Don't. Fucking. Do it. But I couldn't resist the siren like call and I shifted my gaze to Regina.
My eyes locked with the side of her face and a sharp, pinpoint sensation hit my chest. So out in the open, showcasing what we couldn't have, showing all of her teeth in a smile while caressing the top of Ms. Page's arm. Discomfort snaked around my muscles as the bile steadily rose.
"Emma, we should get going." Belle stated, tugging on my backpack. I glanced back for a moment to see Ruby and Killian scowling at Regina, while Jefferson and Belle kept their eyes on me. Another laugh sucked me back in to my dismay, witnessing what I would call a punch to the gut. They were so close, whispering words that fell short to ears outside their bubble.
I don't understand, the last time they were this close was when Ms. Page first started, and then Regina and I talked, and…
And…
She dumped me. So she's free to do whatever the fuck she wanted.
"Emma, come on." Jefferson urged, brushing his fingertips against mine but I pulled away, taking a step towards my ex. Did she want Mal all along? Was it easier to use her mom as an excuse? No, I don't know what they are saying, and no it's not anymore affection than how Belle would act if she was telling me something exciting. But this isn't in character, unless…
Sweat formed at the top of my forehead at the sickening idea. What if Ms. Page took a chance and asked her out despite their previous conversation.
Another step forward as I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth, gnawing relentlessly on it.
"Emma...?" Ruby questioned, but her words fell on deaf ears. I began to walk towards Regina, disregarding the pleading of my friends. She hasn't noticed me to so maybe I'll catch her off guard. The million dollar question? What would say? Who knows, but the several holes in my non-existent plan didn't bother me.
"EMMA DON'T!" Belle yelled from behind, closer than I remember and felt a rough tug on my backpack. I did my best to pull away from her but one, final, aggressive yank had me stumbling back. I whipped my body around to aim all of myfrustrations at her, however Belle was right there to square up with me. She cupped my cheeks in her hands and pulled me in, locking her hardened features with mine. "Are you crazy?" Warm breath kissed my face. I opened my mouth, then closed it, feeling goosebumps scatter across my body. My ears hollowed out from the blood rushing to my face while my heart drummed wildly in my chest. Regina is looking. So is Belle. So are the rest of my friends. So is Ms. Page. And students picking up on the drama nearby. Everyone is looking.
My body trembled and I dug my teeth in my bottom lip. Metallic-like taste coated my taste buds, the realization that this was too much settling in. My eyes shifted to the side again and became glazed with a glassy layer of tears. As I blinked, they dripped from eyelids and slid down my cheek. I thought I could do this.
But I can't.
My lower lip quivered and…
I broke.
When I will be okay to stop crying? My shoulders slumped bringing my head along with it. Belle dropped her hands from my face then pressed her body against mine, doing the best she could to drape her arms around me and my bag. My hands grasped her back as if she were the only life vest in this dysfunctional ocean. 'Is she okay?' 'What's wrong with Emma?' 'Did someone die?' Although it was quiet, the rumoring chatter around me could be picked up. Ruby, Jefferson, and Killian did what they could to keep the students moving, and when T's voice popped up, they stalled. Telling my volleyball friends that it was personal stuff.
This only fueled my emotional state and I continued to soak Belle's shirt with stuttered breaths, and soft hiccups.
"Take a deep breath, hun. I need you to try and calm down. The teachers are looking." She paused, seeming hesitant to continue. "Ms. Mills is looking."
A shrug rolled off my shoulders, because she cares so much?
"Hey, look at me." She urged, using her forehead to nudge the side of mine. Shaky as fuck I released the hold I had, sliding my hands from Belle's back, to her hips. She let go of me to hold my wrists, freeing herself completely before lacing our fingers together. Although my vision was blurry her bright smile was enough for me to pull it together. I lifted my arm, raising Belle's hand with it to wipe my face, knowing that didn't do much for how much of a disaster I must've looked. "Listen, we're going to have a kick ass day, we're going to make you laugh, and maybe make you cry, regardless we'll be here for you and more importantly, won't let you do anything stupid." Her eyes darted to Regina before returning to me. "I mean, what were you going to say when you got over there?"
I shook my head in response, "I don't know. I just- they were…"
"I know, but you are letting your emotions cloud your judgement. Nothing is going on between them, at least not that I could tell." Ah, so it must be true, right?
"Emma…?" Oh boy.
"Shit." Belle cursed, and shit I agree. The sound of heels clicking against the concrete was there to torment my mind and the smell of sweet fruit graced my nose. "Keep calm. Take a deep breath. I'll be right here." She whispered before letting go my hands and taking a step beside me. We turned to face, to my surprise, Vice Principal Page. Regina was rooted in her spot, keeping her gaze to the ground until Lily and her group of friends pranced over.
The confliction that was sketched in her features disappeared and out came the teacher everyone loved. Lily said something that made Regina laugh, I couldn't help but feel a little jealous. Belle cleared her throat gaining my attention and I focused on the vice principal. The white suit she was in clung to her body well, as much as I hate to admit it she really is pretty. Her face softened when her gaze fell upon me, I'm sure it's because I look like a wreck.
"Emma are you okay?" she gently reached out to palm my bicep. I think it was meant to be comforting but instead it came off a little condescending.
"I'm fine." I did my best to sound indifferent, but the way Belle started rubbing the small of my back told me otherwise.
"You sure? There is a counselor you can talk to in the office." Right, because they are so good at keeping secrets.
"It's okay." My face felt like it was finally cooling down and the tears that clumped my lashes together started to dry. "Thank you, I appreciate it but I'll pass." I took this chance to avert my gaze back to my ex, frowning at the giggles that floated from the area. Even the warning bell echoing through the school couldn't stop the next bout of envy that took over. The root cause had nothing to do with Lily's ability to have casual conversation, and everything to do with Regina's control. She just stands there so poised and confident, as if there is an invisible force protecting her from any torrent emotional waves.
Couldn't stare too longer because Belle being the protective friend that she is interlocked our fingers once more to keep me from drifting off in la la land.
"Well duty calls, you girls should head to class." Ms. Page commented before taking one last look at me. "Again, if you need anything Emma-"
"Yea, I know, the counselor is in the office." I chided. She nodded with a faint smile still pulling on her lips and walked back over to Regina. I couldn't handle watching them interact so closely so I turned away, dragging Belle back over to our group. Relief flooded over my friends when we turned, not long behind that were the questions from T, Rachel, Aliey, while the rest minus the four who knew eagerly listened, hoping for some juicy details of my life. None the less I was able to keep it together long enough to persuade them that all the pressures of graduating early were getting to me.
"That settles it then, I'll walk you to English." Ruby stated like she wasn't going to take no for answer. From the corner of my eye Regina and Ms. Page began to their journey to school and immediately the weight that had been compressing my chest lifted.
"I'm a big girl. I can walk to English myself."
"Emma-
"Ruby. Seriously," my eyes roamed over the concerned faces that weren't budging. So I mustered up the best acting skills I could find and smiled. "Really I'll be okay." Skeptical glances bounced around me before they seemed to give in.
"Fine. I'll save you a seat on the bus." Rachel countered.
"How do you know we're on the same bus?"
"It was posted in the office. And I'm taking this." She grabbed my helmet out of Ruby's hand. "So you don't get any bright ideas."
Damn…
"Okay, fair enough." I replied. They each took turns giving me hugs before marching off to school. When the last head disappeared from my view I sighed, letting my shoulders fall. The final bell rang going in one ear and out the other. I should go to class but I need a minute to just…be. My bike shined in the sun, calling me to sit on it. I walked over and got in position, feeling the handle bars vibrate with anticipation under my fingers. Too bad I could never take Regina for a ride, she would've loved it.
An audible scoff pushed through tight lips.
"For fuck's sake, she fucking dumped you." I hissed to myself. So, why do struggle to let her go?
I'm literally like the body of a chicken who's head has been cut off-nerves still pulsing with life because the reality of the situation hasn't set in yet. Taking one last look back at the school, I confirmed what I already knew and adjusted the back pack on my shoulders. I needed to get out of here. I'll come back for the trip but these first two classes can kiss my ass.
"Miss Swan…" A lump formed in my throat, insistent on not moving. I thought this woman fucking left. My mind cycled through emotions faster than a kid flipping through radio stations, just those few words had me go from okay to rocky-fighting a mixture of feelings, each of them vying for dominance. My stomach twisted painfully as if it were trying to digest a glass shard, one that may never leave, but would hopefully dull over time. "If you go I will have to report it to Principal Glass." Her voice was calm, even, and formal. Not in an angry emotional way like she was upset. No, we have backtracked to the first day she started working at Red Rose High. Before the secrets we held close to our hearts were revealed. It was like we never had anything outside of a professional teacher student relationship. The void in my chest widened, choking the breath from my body and short circuiting my brain. I squeezed the handle bars until my palms became sore and dug my nails deep, seeing the blood drain from the tips of my fingers. Ignoring Regina's warning I got settled and pressed the key fob on the bike, starting it up.
"Emma. Swan." She raised her voice over the sound of my engine. Surely she couldn't stand here for much longer to try and tell me what to do. After all, Ms. Mills has a class to teach. Using the tip of my toes I began to roll back, but before I could get too far Regina lunged around the front and grabbed my wrist, throwing me off balance.
Luckily I caught myself and shot my gaze to Regina's, snatching my hand away from her. The warm chestnut iris's that normally greeted me were a deep earthy brown, nervously darting between mine. But there was something else, something glistening like an old penny being examined in the warmth of the sunlight. I see in her eyes that her brain has built up new walls leaving her alone on the other side. The gravity drawn shoulders painting a picture of her heart that wouldn't welcome a beat.
"Where are you going?" thin fingers spread to the head of my bike before she reached the button and turned it off.
"You care?" I leaned back to get away from the intoxicating perfume beckoning me closer. The sigh that came from her was not one of resolving but of the level of tension she had reached, like kettle on the stove still full even after some of the steam had been let out. "Regina don't…" the sting in my voice caught her attention.
"Miss Swan-"
"Stop it with the Miss Swan shit." I hit the kick stand with my foot, threw my bag to the ground, and swung my leg off the motorcycle feeling my anger swell, about to hit its breaking point. In that moment I was blinded by a five course serving of rage that had a hint of bitter but was oddly satisfying, like lemonade. "Is there something you would like to say to me?" because if not I have a shit ton to say to you.
"Do not make a scene." The influx in Regina's voice let me know I had a hit nerve.
"What did you expect Regina? You kicked me out!" I all but shouted watching her knuckles turn white, gritting her teeth to silence the words that wanted to come out. "You told me I was a mistake and then complete radio silence."
"Emma-"
"Even today, you look at me like a stranger." I continued, steam rolling over any attempt to try and shut me up. "And then you come over here to do what?" My heated stare seemed to cause Regina to shrink, taking a step away from me. We weren't all that close in proximity but my anger was such a powerful force in this moment. It was only then that I noticed the yearbook tightly clutched between her ribs and arm.
"I-I…" she stuttered over her words, shaking her head as if to gather her thoughts. Fingers clung her to brown hair and her shoulders began moved with the heavy breathing. Then, like a switch she shut off, locking up everything threatening to rise. She looked back at me with all the emotion of wet concrete. There was no anger, no sadness, no joy, or resentment as she moved her hand to grab the yearbook she was holding on to. "I just came to return this, Miss Swan."
My brain lapsed for a moment and my eyes took in more sun light than I expected, every part of me went on pause while my thoughts rushed to catch up. Even after all of that this is the shit she gives me. The yearbook hung limp in Regina's hand waiting for the disbelief to wear off. A belittling smack of my lips escaped from me as she held my eyes with her emotionless ones, she might as well have been a store mannequin. I snatched the book out of her hands, feeling another surge of explosive comments bubble up but held them down, knowing it would only hurt me more than her.
I brought the book close to my chest, encasing my arms around it as if that would somehow glue the cracks in my heart, and turned my back to her. I took the few steps to my back pack and shoved the heavy book inside. It took me a second to get adjusted to the weight but once I did, my legs were draped over my motorcycle. "I connected with a part of you others never felt. I saw a part your soul you never wanted to let out. I touched you and saw your reaction, beautiful and raw." Gathering the rest of my strength I looked back at Regina. "You told me I was yours until I didn't want to be, and even then you would fight for me."
Caution was there to grip my nerves in a vice and I closed my weary eyes, letting out a shaky breath. It wasn't the question burning inside that I was afraid of, no, it was the answer. Could I do this? I shook my head, disallowing my second thoughts to get the best of me, and opened my mouth…
"Did you mean it?"
Regina stayed in her spot, the gentle breeze moving strands of natural curls away from her prominent cheek bones. Her features cracked just slightly to speak, and naturally my body tensed.
"Unfortunately my students are waiting for me. I'm sorry Emma." And without another thought she turned and walked away from me.
The fragile foundation that was holding me up, keeping me together just…collapsed. Second by second it crumbled until there was nothing but dust of its formal self. Salty thin drops fell from my chin, drenching my shirt. Funny, I hadn't noticed I was crying. Perhaps these tears will be what washes the pain away because in this heartache the sun won't shine, the morning songs of the birds won't glide through the air as it once did, and the pain may never dissipate.
But do you want to know the honest truth?
I'd rather forgo comfort than keep someone who doesn't know how to love.
A/N: Sorry for the break, everyone.
Life really can kick you in the balls sometimes.
Starve your happiness.
But eventually you learn to eat again
Or in my case, write again.
Once again I'm so sorry and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!