"So you never answered my question." Jefferson said, jogging to catch pace with me as I walked out of the locker room.
"I mean, I'm not opposed to it. It would be nice to have my own place."
"Our place." He corrected. "We could have videogame marathons, slasher movie marathons. I could cook for you, fold your clothes so they aren't all over the place, or I could just bug you incessantly-"
"Okay fine, you win. Let's look into getting a place together." When I looked at him there seemed to be an explosion in his brain, the good kind. The type that carries more possibilities than he could be conscious of. Maybe it was the calling card of adventure, of paths awaiting our feet. "Ya know what?" I continued, "Do you want to come with me to Greece?"
"Really?" he asked, almost shocked-eyes and mouth frozen open. And although he was staring straight at me it was as if he didn't notice me at all.
"Yea, if we might be living together it would be a good test run."
"So, your parents gave you the okay?"
"Yup last night." I think they have ulterior motives though, because if I'm not here, that means I can't run into her.
"Emma what have I told you, lead with the good stuff-" he joked, then continued to ramble on about all the things we could do out there, while I zoned out because we're on the way to the last class of the day.
Regina's.
Maybe we should have been friends first, had time to discover the souls of one another without putting pressure on the restraints that held us. Perhaps then we would have seen how our passions and purpose will always take us in opposite directions. Unless one of us sacrifices who we really are. But then what? How can there be a relationship if one of us became a shadow of our former self. My nails are aching from digging in an attempt to give myself a better grasp onto corroded strings, to give myself one more hope that we would succeed. I had to tell myself to stay focused, but after having the chance to sit and really think about it I realized that I might be holding on for a long time. And would it really be fair to myself to waste all those precious minutes waiting for someone else?
"So did the Big Swans find out you ditched yesterday?"
"Boy did they." I replied with a small eye roll.
Apparently the school called my parents yesterday to see if I was staying home, obviously that wasn't the case. Dad was pissed. Mom didn't seem to care that much. Both were still on opposing sides of the playing field when it came to 'the situation'. The palpable tension was suffocating and I was almost disappointed that the only requirement today was grad rehearsal. Until the Swan Residence got an email this morning saying: 'due to the high number of absentees today we require that ALL students attend school the day of the 14th.'
I was relieved.
You know it's a bad day in my house when I would rather go to school than wrap up like a burrito in the comfort of my bed.
"Oooo, then we can go to IKEA or wait, even better, Bed Bath and Beyond."
"Wow, you're just all over the place today." I joked, feeling Jefferson wrap his arm around the small of my back helping me weave through the bodies. The wind howled as the students walked in and out of the halls, hustling and bustling. Playful punches were thrown and hugs were exchanged when friends greeted each other.
"I am, don't judge. I want to know what's going on at home but I'm also excited about us being roomies. And we can talk about all of this at IKEA."
"Eh…" I trailed off in response, watching my senior peers standing tall and proud, confidence born of experience. The air buzzing with ecstatic energy, because we all knew the day after tomorrow we didn't need to see this place ever again. It's time, the beginning of adulthood, no longer can the excuse 'I'm just a kid' be used.
"What…? How can you say no to that?" His grip tightened on my hip pulling me in closer.
"It's not that…okay maybe it is that. All those people, with all those kids who are probably screaming. Laying on beds hundreds of thousands of other people have laid on. Gross."
"C'mon, it'll be fun!"
"First, we need to make sure we can even find a place before we start picking out what color dishware we want."
"Yea, you were always the sensible one." He turned his head and placed a soft kiss on my temple. I leaned in enjoying this moment, one that I could've already had if I allowed myself to. "In other news, my mom is making me look for a job. So, can you be my wingman?"
"Actually, yes. I could use one too." I deadpanned, the tone of my disappointed manager echoing in the back of my head.
"Wait, I thought-"
"I got fired, called off too many days in a row." We broke apart to let a few students sift through before we conjoined our shoulders again.
"Damn, like that?"
"Just like that." I replied slowing down when the door that led to the hall Regina's class neared. I've been able to avoid her for most of the day but now there isn't a place to hide.
"Hey," he softly called for my attention and when I looked the emotion in Jefferson's eyes were fathoms deep. "You got this Emma." his hand intertwined with mine and he led me to the door, catching it as it flew open. "After you." I watched my feet step on the glossy tiles, my Vans looked so dusty compared to the leather shined floor, pulling Jefferson in behind me.
Out of habit my eyes zeroed in on my old addiction. At one point I cared for nothing else. Everything I once held near fell by the wayside, family, friends, school. There was a time that I loved her with every part of me, or maybe it was an obsession disguised as love. Because when people give me love freely I am not obsessed. Why would I be. Do we obsess over dirt when there is plenty of it? Only when we fear its removal, or something that we may never obtain, that's when the suffocating feeling starts. So while Regina took up so much of brain, it should've been a sign. That she took more than she could give. I watch her smile at students entering. I used to find that sexy. I now know that the sexiest quality in a human being is emotional warmth, because that's the only time a couple can drop their masks and find serenity.
Soon I felt the nascent brown eyes caress my skin, promising a new dawn but I entombed my emotions in a thick wall of ice. My eyes closed and I took in a deep breath, then looked at Jefferson and smiled.
"I do have this. Go on, I'll see you at grad rehearsal." My tone preaching the confidence I was praying would find its way to me, soon.
"Alright, text if you need." He returned the smile, winking before jogging off to his classroom. My feet carried me to the line building by Regina's door, and her body tensed. She seemed worried, perhaps thinking I might start another confrontation, but I won't, because there is no point to water a dead crop. The amount of people between us began to shrink until it was my turn. When our eyes met the walls I had noticed yesterday were thicker, cutting off the connection line from the heart to the brain. I nodded then tried to walk in but Regina placed her hand on my chest like she had done so many times before, stilling my movements. The electrical currents that were I thought dissipated, pulsed through forcing a ragged breath to fall from my lips.
"I'm glad you decided to come, Miss Swan." Her voice seemed like it traveled through sand paper-like vocal cords. Each word was grainy, moving and grinding against the other, yet complimenting her professional demeanor.
"Well, the school sent out an email, so I had to." I spoke as clear as thunder ripping through the desert sky. Something I could place spread across Regina's face like a spider web, intricate but strong. Seconds passed and soon her features regained its dexterity. A tight lipped smile pulled on her lips and finally she dropped her hand, allowing me to walk in. I booked it to my seat, ignoring the lingering gaze glued to my back. I slumped in my vinyl desk-for-one and began flicking the tape that covered the wood, happy that this would be last time I had to sit in this seat. These bullshit plastic chairs were okay a few years ago but now all the heights are wrong and it made my back ache.
What felt like the end of pencil jabbed me in the shoulder blade bringing me face to face with Ethan.
"Where's your bestie?" he pointed to Belle's empty seat.
"Helping set up for grad rehearsal." I replied, ignoring the sound of Regina stepping into the room with the door closing behind her. The excess chatter simmered down as she and all her authority took its normal spot at the front of the classroom.
"Looks like you'll have to suffer with just me." he teased.
"It's not suffering when you're a friend." I replied, smiling when his face lit up and his eyebrows raised.
"Oh Emma Swan, I would have never thought I'd live to see the day."
"Excuse me Emma and Ethan, is there something you would like to share with the rest of us…" Regina's voice floated over and Ethan spun around in his chair, giving all his attention over to her. "Thank you. Now that I have all of you, I just want to say it's been such a treat to watch you grow into young adults." Her eyes scanned over the students until they got to mine, holding on with a firm grasp. "Each of you have taken a piece of my heart."
A few students sighed with admiration, a couple clapped, and others whistled. Luckily it was enough to take her heavy gaze off me.
"Well Ms. Mills we'll never forget you either." Lily replied.
"Yea, you're seriously the best teacher I've ever had." Richie added.
"And the prettiest." Because of course Ethan has to be the last man standing. The blush ran across Regina's cheeks and she dropped her head, tucking some strands behind her ear. No matter how I currently feel about this woman, one thing can't be denied: she really is a great teacher. She was the one the kids could never get the better of. Whatever witty retort they had, she had one better. Regina took our disobedience and turned it into an advantage, but not through belittling or stamping down authority. She checked our behavior with a style of humor we could relate to, aspire to even. When she taught it was with the passion of a life long teacher, someone who lived to inspire a love of learning in the next generation.
"Okay enough with the comments, there is no more extra credit." She joked, but a glossy sheath covered her pupils like tears were brewing. "Anyway, for our last day, I have a fun game planned-" The announcement bell rang through the intercom, cutting her off.
"Good afternoon Red Rose High, this is your senior class president Sarah Michelle and guess what, this is the last time you'll have to hear my voice through these speakers. I would like to remind all the seniors to head immediately to the amphitheater after school for graduation rehearsal. Lastly, I would like to announce our Teacher of the Year award, this lucky person will have the pleasure of speaking before the valedictorian speech tomorrow. And the award goes to…drum roll please… Ms. Regina Mills!"
Applause and cheers roared in our classroom as my peers stood, being the type of young men and women to hype her up. She tried to settle them down but it was no use and another blush painted her cheeks.
"This is Sarah Michelle, signing off forever…"
"Alright, settle down class." Regina joked with a smirk. As if she hadn't just been blushing she continued explaining the rules of the game we were going to play. After that class seemed to go by quickly, I didn't allow my emotions to control my attitude and this resulted in me having some fun. Even when she began stealing glances, even when her body neared mine, I still kept control and I'm fucking proud of myself. It was almost too soon when the bell rang, what I thought would surely end in cheers ended in groans. She has got us all wrapped around her pinkie, I mean what senior doesn't want to leave physics on the last day of school?
"Well class, this is it. I'll see you all tomorrow in your cap gowns." Regina finished before gliding back to her desk and dismissing the class. A third of the class stayed and huddled around her while I gathered my things and snuck out through the crowd. When I made it to the parking lot Jefferson's Mustang revved beside me and he rolled down the window.
"Hey hot stuff, you need a ride?" He wiggled his eyebrows, causing me to belt out a healthy laugh.
"You're terrible at picking up girls."
"Hey, this is the no judgement zone. But seriously, wanna carpool?"
"Nah, it's cool. I'll just meet you there." I replied.
"Call me when you park, at least we can all sit together before they split us up."
"Aye aye captain!" I said, pulling my shoulders back in attempt to stand there like a soldier.
"EMMA!"
Wait…
I turned to find Roland running towards me with Zelena trailing behind him. What the fuck are they doing here?
"I guess that's my cue to leave. I'll see ya soon Em." Jefferson gave me another smile before slowly slithering his car through the bodies, and began to exit the parking lot. Before I could register anything Roland threw all of his body weight on me, his little hands gripped around me in a comical way. My fingers combed through his feathery brown hair, grinning at his dimpled cheeks from the enthusiastic smile he was giving.
"Hey kid." I bent down to kiss the top his head then let go to put my hands on his, pushing him off of me. Roland's brows furrowed but I contorted my face into a goofy expression, hearing the laughter bubble up his chest. The say you can't bottle love but I say they're wrong. This kid is the proof. Have you seen him run with that bouncy stride of his? Have you seen how wide his smile is or how wide he reaches for every hug? Roland is love in a bottle; just seeing him makes the rest of us glad to be alive.
"Hey Em, so do you know what tomorrow is?"
"Sorry…" Zelena panted as if she just ran three miles "He's fucking fast."
"Fuck is a bad word Auntie Zelena." He mimicked, shooting her a disapproving look.
"And that means you shouldn't say it either." She scolded, in such a way that almost made it sound like he was in trouble, but as if they've done this a thousand times, Roland broadly smiled earning a wink from his aunt. "Seriously though, don't say that."
He nodded then turned his whole body to face me again, brown serious eyes stared intently, clearly mastering Regina's look when she's trying to figure you out.
"Well, do you?" he questioned, and I shrugged my shoulders then dropped down to a squat so I could get eye level with him. My fingers curled around the end of his graphic t shirt, gently tugging to get him closer to me.
"Nope, tell me." I crinkled my nose curving my mouth into a crooked smile.
"It's my birthday!" Roland shrieked, throwing his hands in the air. "I'm having a party and you're invited."
Oh fuck.
He doesn't know.
I'm going to have to break his spirits. Why hasn't anyone told him that Regina and I aren't together? At least Cora could've had the gall to say something since she likes spreading everyone's business. I glanced at Zelena, who gave me an 'I don't know what to tell ya' look. I brought my eyes back to the kid that I have somehow become very attached to, and palmed his shoulders in my hand.
"Listen…" How do I start this? How do I explain to an eight-year-old that I will no longer be in his life, when he has obviously grown fond of me. How can I translate this in a way that makes no one seem like the bad guy? "I wish I could but-"
"Grandma won't be there." He quickly interrupted, and I felt my heart sink at the comment, this means he can tell my answer will be no.
"It has nothing to do with your grandma. I have no issues with her." Psh, that's the fattest lie I've told all year.
"Then why are you about to say no?" Gravity pulled his layered brown hair down as he dropped his head, brushing off my touch, and letting his shoulders fall. Sensing the desperation in my energy Zelena crouched down on the other side of him and placed a hand on his back.
"Remember when we talked about Emma's graduation?" she questioned while using her other hand smooth out his hair.
"Yea."
"Well, that's tomorrow, the same day as your birthday and after they all have a big party where everyone gets to hang out one last time.
"But you can come after, yea?" Ugh, he was so hopeful.
"I don't know kid." I replied, knowing damn well I should have said no. 'I don't know' means there is still a chance. Roland remained silent, his eyes darted around until they settled just off to the left. Confused, Zelena and I followed his gaze and saw Regina strolling with a few students, each of them passing her their phone, what I could only assume was to get her number.
"I'm gonna…" Zelena trailed off, nudging her head in her sister's direction.
"Of course." I replied, taking that as my excuse to skidaddle the fuck on out of here.
"I'll stay with Emma." Or not. Agreeing she stood up, dusted off her clothes, and swayed to her sister. Doing the same, I reached my hand down urging him to take it, and when he did I led him to my bike. The parking lot simmered down to low hum as cars exited. Roland remained quiet and I can see the melancholy cape, he's trying to let it fall to the floor but for some reason he's not quite ready to let go of it. When we got to my bike I helped him climb on the seat and when I was confident he could balance on his own, my legs took me around the front and I placed my hands on the handle bars.
"What's going on in that head of yours?" I asked, fixating my gaze on him. He just shrugged, then surprised me by covering the top of my hands with his.
"Why didn't you want see Aunt Regina?"
The trap springs shut – I find myself caught between opposing needs. Truth and the need to nurture seem to go hand in hand. But what happens when you care for someone who is only a casuality in this stupid storm. "It's…" But really, what is the truth, other than one's perspective. "It's not that I don't want to see her-" My eyes darted to Regina, she seemed frustrated, nervous- hands moving wildly as she spoke, her brown orbs never staying on one spot too long. Zelena stood in front of her, collected as fuck, patiently for her sister's rant to be over.
"Are you not friends anymore?"
I looked back at his widened pupils watching the sadness creep into him like dew on bare timber.
"It's a little more complicated than that." I replied feeling the odd sensation of déjà vu take root in my reality. Was it not just a few months ago that Regina had told me the same thing when Warren suddenly came back in her life? My how the tables have turned.
"How? It's either a yes or a no, right?" I thought it was, that would maybe make this transition easier. Or, maybe it is. Could it be that simple? Am I putting too much weight on what I thought we had? And if I am then I guess my answer would be…
"No, we're not friends anymore."
Roland nodded before taking a glance at his aunts, "I knew it." He shook his head softly and dug the tip of his fingers against the faint bulge of the veins in my hands. "Dad tried to tell me you two were having a disagreement."
"And how were you so sure that it was more than that?"
"Because Aunt Regina is sad all the time now." He answered without a beat in between. "I try to make her smile and she does, but, I know it's a fake one."
The strings I thought I had cut still had a few threads tethered to my heart. No, I can't let him suck me back in.
"Roland!" Zelena called, and we looked to see both woman staring at us. "Time to go."
He poked out his bottom lip and nodded before putting his eyes back on me. "Ya know, just because you guys are not friends, doesn't mean we can't be. My party is at Aunt Zelena's house, in case you can make it." Roland got off my bike the best he could and gave me a tight hug before running to catch up with his aunts. I didn't stare too long- nervous that I could make unwanted eye contact with Regina.
Kid's got moxie I'll say, but he didn't understand that we couldn't be friends. He didn't understand that after graduation the Mills family will want nothing to do with me.
And to be honest the feeling might be mutual.
It's finally here. The moment of truth, the stepping into the real world. This is what everyone has been preparing us for. Through the good, bad, idiotic, and fun shenanigans we are here. Time to step in that bright light, shake the hand of an administrator and grab the ticket to freedom. The piece of paper that would remind me forever that I've accomplished something. All I had to do was sit in this uncomfortable robe and wait for my name to be called.
Fourth row from the back right on the aisle is where I sat. Unfortunately I was by none of my usual suspects due to the misfortune of my last name. I scanned the amphitheater, spotting my parents sitting beside my friend's parents. Mom and dad seemed to be okay this morning, she finally smiled and so did he, like things weren't quite right but would get better eventually. I expected this morning to feel different, depressing in a way. We are both here, we both made it, but not in the way we had talked about. Today was the day that should've freed us from the legal chains that stopped us from blossoming. I won't ever know what it would feel like to kiss her in a room full people, or hold her hand as we walk down the street. And it's something I'm coming to terms with, I have to appreciate the time we had, knowing everything happens for reason, a season, or a lesson.
I adjusted my gown, feeling the heat prickle between my skin and the fabric, why do they make these things so thick? Everyone knows graduation is in the summer and generally outside. Thank fuck that we our started at 6 but, it's still hot as balls. I droned out the sound of Principal Glass talking about 'how proud of us he is, we're all eagles who are about to spread our wings soaring into the sky of infinite possibilities', blah blah blah, and examined the tight curls dangling over the chair from the girl that sat in front of me. A small ripple of hot flashes pulsed through my nerves and I wiped the sweat that began to form on my forehead.
"These gowns are the worst." I heard the girl next to me whisper in such a way that almost gave me chills. Slowly I turned and faced dark brown eyes, twinkling with something I couldn't put my finger on. Smooth black hair framed her toasted almond skin, "Tamara," she finished with a wink. The red cap on her tilted as Tamara examined me, curious eyes roaming free, taking in everything I had to offer.
"Emma." I replied, hearing the small flirtatious sliver in my voice. "Have we met?"
"History, freshman year. You sat next to me on the first day of school, then Ms. Higgins switched everyone and that was the last time we saw each other, or really, the last time you saw me."
Under my brief gaze she didn't withdraw or flinch, the gold '19' symbol dangling from her graduation cap glittered in her eyes.
"You should've said something back then, who knows where we could be now." I whispered, leaning in closer and getting a whiff I believe of cedar wood and honey suckle, the mixture was heavenly.
"-And now I'd like to present our teacher of the year, Ms. Regina Mills."
Cheers erupted through the amphitheater and the for the first time today I saw Regina, in a white, tight fitted dress. Red lipstick plumped her lips and the matching heels seemed to kill everyone with each step she took. A loud whistle from Tamara stabbed my eardrums and when I cringed she shot me an apologetic look.
"I'm sorry. She is just, the best. Did you have her this year?"
"Yea, I had her this year." In more ways than one.
"Me too. Ms. Mills is amazing, right?"
"Right." I nodded doing my best to put on a smile but the eyebrows that furrowed maybe an inch with a tilt of her head told me I was doing a shitty job at faking it.
"Thank you all so much for having me up here on this very special day." Regina started, which only made everyone throw their fists in the air and yell some more. I don't think I have ever seen everyone so electrified, awake, flying to new heights of emotions. The cheers erupted like an auditory volcano, it was quiet then deafening the next, rising to a crescendo then falling back to trickle when she moved her hand through the air, commanding silence once more.
"I'll keep this brief, I'm sure you are all anxious to get your diploma's." Light chuckles trickled around, "I have to admit, it is quite overwhelming to be up here surrounded by so many great educators. Each and every one of you are phenomenal and I can't express how proud I am of you all. Class of 2019 I encourage you to soak in this moment, chasing a dream requires efforts and passion, and this is one step closer…" Regina continued speaking, casually roaming her eyes over all the teens like a mother beaming down on her children. She smiled, laughed, and played with the jewelry on her wrist like she did when the nerves peaked in her body.
"Just because you've graduated doesn't mean the journey is over, it's just a break as you enter your next adventure in life." Out of all the people in the amphitheater Regina had manage to find me. If it were anyone else I would drop my gaze, hell even if she had looked at me like this six months ago I wouldn't have been able to handle it. But now things have changed, I have changed. The professional woman that stands before us is gone, they can't see it but I can. Replaced by the eyes of someone who loves deeply, burning with a fire that goes on for eternity. The energy in her spirit seemed to come back to life, after being held under the gun of shame, guilt, and fear.
"We don't know what perils your path withholds, nevertheless, choose to live to the fullest and revel in every aspect of it." She took a deep breath, letting the flood gate of emotions break free in our invisible line of connections. "I love you…all of you, like the sky loves the birds with open hands and eternal freedom. Know that you have a special place in my heart. Congratulations Class of 2019."
The audience stood, including Tamara and another roar of cheers flooded the theater. Regina and I kept eye contact even when Principal Glass came back on stage and whispered something in her ear. She nodded, then dropped her eyes to the rest, gliding off stage and back to her seat.
"Thank you so much Ms. Mills, that speech was wonderful. Now," Noooo, I thought we were done. I dropped my head back and sighed loudly, rolling my eyes in the process. "Give a big round of applause to your valedictorian Sarah Michelle." I tuned out the sound of another round of clapping, praying to all the Gods, that they would just call my name and let this shit be over. The buzz from phone vibrating in my pocket gown caught my attention, and I fished it out, seeing Zelena's name with a (1) next to it.
Thought anymore about Roland's party?
Boy, have I. The obvious answer would be to say no, but it's not Roland's fault Regina and I aren't together anymore.
Yea, it's probably best that I don't come.
If you say so…
A frown formed on my face reading the response. What does that mean?
?
I waited, and I waited, and I checked my phone, and waited some more. Finally, after Sarah tore up her notecards to make the grand finale even more dramatic my phone went off.
I think you want to see Roland but you are nervous nobody will want you there. Which is not true. I just want to make sure you are saying 'no' because you want to and not for the reasons of anyone else.
Damn, is she really calling me out on my bullshit right now?
"Alright, that was a wonderful speech by Sarah. Now, the moment we've all been waiting for…" Mr. Glass announced.
The classic orchestrated graduation began and Principal Glass, Vice Principal Page, Ms. Mills, and a few other faculty members floated to the stage, ready to shake our hands while they wish us good luck. I cheered until my face turned purple when my friend's names were called, shit they deserve more than that. Before I knew it my row was standing and heading to the front, and I was the first one in line, stage right. Mom stood up to take pictures of me, while dad wore a proud smile.
"Rashad Stone." Principal Glass called and the boy on the opposing side walked up to receive her diploma. I felt the hair began to stick to my face as cold perspiration formed on my face. My fingers spread like a pale starfish stretching for the first time, before I heard the call, "Emma Swan." The amphitheater shook from uproar, but the loud beating of my heart swallowed the sound and as I stepped on stage my breathing became rapid and shallow. Each step echoed in my brain, my hand moved in slow motion as I shook hands with Ms. Page, then it was Regina's turn. I adjusted so I faced her head on, and even though she smiled at me I could see the saddens rein in the depths of her pupils. My hand shook in a way that I couldn't control, sensing this she reached out and clasped hers around mine.
The warmth seeped into my being, comforting me without Regina ever having to say anything. It creeped into my consciousness and I wanted to pull my hand away. Touch. So long without it and now it feels foreign. It almost feels like an invasion; an intimacy I can give up. "Congratulations, Emma." Words caught in my chest so I smiled half assed. After a few seconds the urge is too strong and I take my hand back. Her bottom lip trembled slightly, as if that was her was of gesturing me to come back.
But I can't.
So I walk to Mr. Glass and take the diploma in my clammy hands, making sure to pause so mom could get a picture. It was relief to get to my chair, because between these stupid heels, my legs shaking, and Regina's stare on my back I thought I was going to trip. When I focused on the stage again she was there to meet me, and there is something in me that shifted, she shifted.
No longer do I see her as some sort of holier than though goddess, capable of paralyzing the words from my mouth.
Maybe this is a good thing.
Once again, it was time. The time I knew would come sooner or later but dreaded. I had to say goodbye to them, to my friends. The two girls that I deeply cared for. How was I supposed to just do it without feeling like I've lost a part of me? All those times were we would talk, laugh, things everyday friends do. They showed me the way when I thought no one would accept me. When I felt like the world was falling apart they didn't make it feel so bad. I wish I could go back to when I first met Ruby and Belle so I could relive it all over again. And I wouldn't change a damn thing.
These two have been my cocoon for the years I needed their sanctuary, and I couldn't be more grateful. Separating from them was never going to be easy, yet I take these emotions with me, the memories of comfort and joy.
"Don't give me that look. I'm going to call every single day." Ruby soothed, wrapping me up in a big bear hug.
"No you won't, but that's okay." I mumbled against the crook of her neck. "I want you to have fun, I just can't believe it's over, ya know."
"I know." Her voice cracked, the words barely above a whisper. I heard a light sniffle and held her tighter. "Have a great time in Santorini."
I let go of her then walked over to Belle, the tears already streaming down her face from her guys with the boys, and she jumped on me. Engulfing all of her I held Belle close hearing the hiccupped breathing shudder near my ear.
"It's going to be okay."
"Oh just let me cry will ya." She teased back, letting me go in the process. Lifting my hands to her face I wiped her tears, then kissed the middle of her forehead. She gazed at me from under her lashes, slowly nibbling on her bottom lip.
"What are you thinking about?"
"I'm taking a picture of you and saving it in the memory bank when times get tough."
We shared a chuckle, then I placed another kiss on the bridge of her nose. Her eyes fluttered shut, I noticed a slight shake to her fingers as she wrapped them around my wrist and squeezed. "You know I've always loved you, right?"
"Of course." I responded. "And you know that I have always loved you."
"Yea." Belle softly replied. "I know."
I stared in the deep blue eyes, watching her feelings crash around like a building tidal wave. Before I could ask 'what was wrong' she pushed herself up and kissed me on the lips. We've done this a thousand times, so why does this time feel different? Sensual? Loving? Unsure of what to do, I relaxed against her mouth and rode out this interesting goodbye, but just as quick as it started, it was over. When the fog cleared I blinked a few times to focus on her. She just smiled as her feet took her away from me.
"Goodbye Emma."
"Love you all!" Ruby said with a smile, and both her and Belle crawled in the back Granny's car, waving through from behind the window as they drove off the lot. I looked back at Killian and Jefferson, my mind still jumbled with perplexity.
"Do you guys know what that was about?"
"You mean with Belle?" Jefferson questioned. "Oh Emma, sometimes I have no idea how you skipped a grade." Yet his under the belt jabs did not answer my question.
Killian closed his eyes and shook his head, momentarily. "Why don't we talk about this tomorrow? And for now enjoy the night."
"I think I'm going to turn in." I replied, running a hand through my hair, pushing Belle's strange actions to the back of mind and Roland's birthday party to the forefront.
"I figured." Jefferson stated, taking a few steps to give me a hug with Killian quickly following. "Don't forget, waffles for breakfast at my house."
"Then we'll talk." Killian added.
"No, it's not our place." Jefferson interjected, eyeing our friend with a squinted glare.
Nodding in agreement, he said no more. Whatever, I can only focus on one thing at a time anyway.
I did my best to wrap around them before kissing each adieu, then walked off to my bike. Opening the compartment under the seat I checked to make sure his gift was okay, it was thankfully. Once nestled comfortably on the motorcycle I started her up, sitting for a moment to feel the engine purr. Looking back at the community center were loud music thumped wildly I smiled, catching the boys run over to the bouncy houses wobbling back and forth. It was grad night, but all I could think about was Roland. So I put my helmet on and sped out of the lot. I had no idea if he was still up, or who would be there but it's a risk I'm willing to take. When the streets widened I cranked down, opening up the engine, eating up all of the empty road, and taking the turns that my knee almost brushed against the concrete.
When I neared Zelena's neighborhood, I slowed, and turned off the headlight. Nervous that I might wake everyone up I parked two houses down, walking the rest of the way. I stood at the end of the pathway that led to the door, hearing the music filter through the cracks in the windows. Silhouettes of kids and adults could be seen through the curtains, everyone dancing with everyone told an earthy tale of love and laughter. More of a good time than anyone is promised. Clutching his gift I felt the anxiety rise, and dug out my phone, scrolling to Z's thread.
Can you send Roland out?
Only a few seconds passed when my phone vibrated in my hand.
:) just a second
The door opened and out popped Roland, his eyes lit up when he saw me. Brown locks bounced freely as they did every time he ran. Falling to one knee I dropped his gift to the ground and swaddled him against my chest. I felt his body sag, muscles becoming loose, and slowly sank into me.
"I'm glad you came." He whispered.
"Me too."
"Come on." His excitement was contagious, "We're about to set up the tents in the backyard."
"Oh, kid. I can't stay." Roland's face fell faster than a loaf removed from the oven too soon. His bottom lip jutted out into the evening summer wind. It was only a minute ago that he was so full of hope and now it's nothing but disappointment. "But I have this for you." I picked up the gift, at the same time watching a little life come back in his eyes. His hands wrapped around the gift, but still there was hesitation.
"You didn't have to get me anything. All I want is for you to stay." He mumbled, dropping his head. My heart sank, pulling my shoulders with it. "If you and Aunt Regina aren't friends this mean we really can't be either, right."
"Roland I want to be friends with you, it's just difficult right now."
"When will it not be difficult?"
"I don't know, kid." I bit my lip for a moment, trying to figure out a way to cheer him up. "Maybe I can talk to your dad and see if he'll let me steal you for a few hours' tomorrow night."
"Just us?"
"Yes, just us."
A crack of light highlighted his features, meaning that the door had opened, "Roland, it's time to set up the tents outside."
We both looked at each other, recognizing the voice feet away from us.
"I'm sorry I should've told you she was here." He whispered and I couldn't help but chuckle.
"It's okay, I kind of figured she would be." I replied with a reassuring wink. His smile was one of happiness growing, much as a spring flower opens. I could see how it came from deep inside to light his eyes and spread into ever part of him. A smile is more than his mouth, I hear it in his voice, in the choice of words, and the way he relaxed. It had the right amount of shyness that unexpected warmth rushed through me.
Damn, I do love this little dude.
"Alright, go inside. Hopefully we'll see each other tomorrow."
"We will." He replied backing away from me, "Gotta think positive Emma. And keep the gift, I'll open when we hang out."
"Deal, happy birthday Roland." I sighed, content that I could make his evening a somewhat better.
"Thanks Emma." He skipped up the path, allowing Regina to ruffle his hair on the way in. I expected her follow but she didn't, instead closed the door, leaning the top of her shoulders against it, and folded her arms across her chest. The dress she once wore was replaced by sweats, crop top, and flip flops. Brown curly hair that shaped her face was now pulled back in a messy high pony tail. Her apologetic eyes looked at me, and it was almost like we were having a silent conversation with one another. She blinked a few times then finally looked away. Taking that as my cue, I grabbed the gift, and began walking back to my motorcycle.
I saw movement from the corner of my eye but didn't bother wasting my time to stop if she was just going to stand there without saying anything, again. The drag of her flip flops against the concrete grew closer, but I didn't quicken my pace. She noticed and slowed down, keeping a fair amount of distance between us. When I got to my bike, I pulled out my helmet and set the present in its place.
Air filled my lungs as I took in a deep breath then turned to square up with Regina. Hands were shoved firmly in her pockets, with her arms tucked against her ribs. Finally, she settled in front of me, no longer tense.
"It was nice of you to swing by, it really put a smile on his face." She remarked, like that was some obvious segway into what she really wanted to talk about.
"Well it's not his fault that things are now-"
"Different." She finished for me, taking a step closer. "Look, Emma...what I said to you, last week." Guilt flashed beneath the hardened emotions, "It wasn't me."
"Yes it was. A part of you anyway." I didn't offer any more to the conversation, once again letting the weight fall on Regina. Brown eyes met mine, dropping the mask, and finally showing me all the lay underneath.
"Maybe it was, maybe I'm some twisted version of Jekyll and Hyde." This was her way of giving me an opportunity to take a jab, but I won't. Because I'm realizing it's pointless.
"You're not. Your human, Regina. I'm sure you reacted the way anyone else would."
"Where is this coming from? Why are you being so nice?" her voice raised. She wanted me to be mad. She wanted me to yell and scream until I was blue in the face.
"I've had a lot of time to think. A lot of time to maybe find an understanding in both points of view."
She tilted her head, eyebrows falling back to the natural state as her hands slipped from her pockets while closing the gap between us. She was close, enough for me to feel her breath brush across my lips, and that same feeling I got when we touched hands earlier in the day lightly knocked on my heart. The person who stands before me is someone I don't look at the same way. Yes, I love Regina, we all know that, but the shock has worn off. What I see is someone with faults, but until she's ready to believe in herself, in her feelings, her gut, one hundred percent there's nothing I can do. There can't be any more of this back and forth.
When will that day come? Only time knows.
"Did you read what I wrote in your yearbook?" Her hand came up and brushed the few strands that were escaping in the summer breeze away from my eyes.
"No." I slipped my face away from her fingers, letting it fall back to her side. "But, I didn't read anyone's yet."
Regina angled her head forehead down, pressing it against mine. I felt the sweat from her hairline ink my skin, another attempt to try and connect with me somehow.
"Remember when you asked me if what we had was real?" she continued, bringing her hands to me waist, and sank her weight against me.
"Yes." When she used to pull me close, I could feel warmth spreading throughout my body. My hands would tremble and lips hardly spoke. I remember wanting it to stay that way forever. But at this moment in time, I don't feel the galaxies collide. No it soothes me. It set the internal chaos quiet, picking up the pieces that had been broken. It was love that had been burnt, and with time the flames will cool.
"That's what I wanted to say." She chuckled out, snaking her hands to rest on my low back.
"Then why didn't you?"
"I guess I was…scared. I know it sounds stupid, just the way my mom got in my head. Regardless of the fact that I was retiring from teaching, it still freaked me out. And telling you that I love you in a place that we shouldn't have even started relationship like this didn't feel right. Especially after all the things I said. God Emma, I'm so sorry."
I let her words sink in like a plastic bag filled with cement, and it was like I released a breath I didn't know I was holding. "You don't have to apologize Regina."
"But I do. I'm sure I know how to put into words the love I have for you. It's like oceans of ink. It's passionate, nothing I've ever felt before. Before I met you I thought I was happy but now, I really know what it feels like."
A smile crept on my face, and like Belle had done with me I sketched this moment in my long term memory.
"Thank you," and with that I moved out of her grasp, feeling the chilly summer air whip around my bones. I didn't look at her as I put my helmet on and mounted my bike. I started The Savior up, feeling all pent of emotions deflate through my pores.
"Wait, are you mad?" Regina questioned, inching closer.
"No, Regina." I replied, loud enough so she could hear but no so much that I was shouting. "I don't know if I was ever mad at you. I just knew what I wanted."
I didn't wait for her rebuttal before I maneuvered out of my spot and drove away from her, closing my eyes for a moment to take in a deep breath of the fresh evening air. I steeled myself to only think of my future from her on in. A future I would mold, build, direct. The more distance that grew between Regina and I, I felt in charge, in command of my mind, body, and soul.
I was a person walking into my own destiny, one that lay squarely in only my hands.
A/N: Thanks for all the encouraging words everyone. Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Til Next Time.