Okay so I've been thinking...
*hears the cries of the horrified audience*
*sigh*
Yes, I have been thinking about Galen Mark ( I know he is non-canon) and how Galen is simply too overpowered to be logical for this fic. He literally RIPPED a Star Destroyer out of the sky and while he wasn't able to totally stop it once it crashed, you got to admit that as it is — also reading up on the lore — Galen (if you don't count his resurrection and/or clone) dies about 2 BBY ('Before Battle of Yavin) and was about 17 when this all went down having been through insane training by Vader. Cal was about 18 (now 19 in my fic) when the whole 'escape from Bracca' to 'assault on Nur' fiasco happened, giving 11 year before Galen's death. 11 WHOLE YEARS OF GROWTH AS A JEDI (making him 30 when Galen dies and 32 at 1 ABY [at least that's my math work]). He might have a 'scooch' more power and skill to work with by that time...
A lot of this relates the time skip I was planning, because honestly I don't think that I am capable of planning 19 year worth of life into a fic like this and while Galen is non-canon I really want him in this fic... Grrr... well, I'll see.
All credit to respective owners!
-YARN
Cal gasped as he found himself once himself bent in on himself, hands pressed against the ground after feeling the orbital bombardment, once again donned in his bounty-hunter armor and BD-1 still on his back. His breathing was too sharp, not enough, too little air for his lungs as he panted, reeling from the disorientation. He realized he was hyperventilating and shut his eyes — squeezing them shut so hard his eyes stung— as he desperately tried to center himself before his panic-attack took over completely. BD-1 beeped in concern at the signs of Cal's nervous breakdown but was unable to help except by trying to reach Cal through his panic. Cal's breathing slowed and he slowly began to breath more easily and the air seemed to fill his lungs as he regained control of his emotions.
"I'm alright." He managed to say, "I'm okay."
He jumped slightly at the sound of his commlink beeping and took a second to steady himself before raising it to his face.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"Where are you?" Cere demanded, "I felt something through the force like you were in distress and I couldn't find you!"
Cal straightened and rubbed his face, "I was just wandering the old enclave here."
"Simply wander the ruins wouldn't have caused a disturbance Cal." Cere said quietly.
Cal grimaced, what was he supposed to say? I met a corrupted version of myself if I had fallen and battled him as he raised all the fears and doubts I had thought I had managed to get over right back to the surface of my thoughts?
He couldn't imagine that going too well right now, he still needed to center himself, a walk back to the ship would be perfect.
He shook his head, "I got lost meditating and when I touched the building I experienced the destruction of the enclave."
Not a lie.
Just not everything.
He wanted to wait until he was back to the ship before talking about the vision he had experienced with Cere and the rest of the crew. They'd probably have a better idea how to deal with and/or solve it rather than Cal had at the moment.
That version of himself he had seen had rattled him, because in his vision while getting Cordova's holocron he had BEEN that person. He saw the children dying and being tortured, them staring at him in horror and demanding an answer as to why he joined the inquisitors. The maelstrom of self-hate/loathing/despair/pain and sick pleasure he took in inflicting pain that had been radiating off his corrupted shadow had knocked him out of kilter. He needed to figure out what had happened to him and what he could do so that he would never become that person.
He shook the lingering phantoms of his vision off and made his way back to the ship.
When Cal returned to the ship, everyone picked up on the uneasy expression on Cal's face and how the force trembled around him. Before long, Cal was being guided by Merrin and Cere towards the couch.
"Cal, what's wrong?" Cere asked, concern on her face.
Cal sighed and sat heavily on the couch, "When I went to the enclave, I had a... vision of sorts. A lot like the one I had when I was on Bogano and it left me a bit... rattled."
Cere nodded, "What happened."
He took a deep breath and began to recount the vision.
Everything.
Wandering the abandoned but pristine enclave.
Meeting the inquisitor.
The inquisitor revealing itself to be a corrupted version of Cal.
The accusations, how he only brought pain wherever he went — but he was interrupted.
"That's not true!" Merrin snapped, indignation clear in her voice, "You weren't responsible for my pain! You let me travel with you, gave me a family again!"
"But I killed so many nightbrothers!" Cal cried, a raw desperation in his voice, "I wasted so much time being afraid! I destroyed the holocron, wasting all of Cere's life spent on it!"
In all honesty, Cal brought up the thoughts that he didn't want to think about or dwell on too deeply. How would Merrin feel about him killing nightbrothers? She probably had been avoiding the topic just as much as Cal had been. They both knew that it was unavoidable at the time, but that didn't erase the guilt on both their parts on doing what they did. They both had been doing what they thought was right, what they 'had' to do. And that had ended up harming so much more than simply Cal and Merrin, even if it was by choice. He didn't need to go over Cere's life that had been used on that holocron, he hated himself enough on that.
"Cal, enough!" Cere snapped, "You did what was right! I'll admit that I wasn't pleased that you decided to destroy the holocron, but it was the right choice! We all knew it was! If anything, I am proud of you and your decision, it can't have been easy but that only emphasizes how much you have grown Cal."
Cal turned to Cere, distress painted across his face, "But..."
She laid a hand on his shoulder, "When we saved you on Bracca, I'll admit I was worried you might not be strong enough to get the holocron. But I saw as our journey went on how much you regained and how much you grew. Seeing you convinced me that I was weaker than you had been. Maybe not in the force or in skill, but in something far more important, your character is much stronger than mine and everything else will come in time. Because even knowing the consequences you used the force on Bracca, knowing full well what could happen if you were caught. I had times where I could helped people with the force, opportunities over and over again, but my fear held me back. When you were going to Nur — alone if you had to — you made me see that running away wasn't something I couldn't let myself do anymore. You helped me become the jedi I was supposed to be Cal. I know that Jaro Tapal would be proud of you, just like the rest of us are."
Cal bowed his head in shame, "But what do we do now? It's been a year, Cere. A whole year since Nur and I feel like all we've done is run away and hide. We haven't changed anything or fought against the empire in any way."
Cere stops him with a simple hand gesture, "Stop Cal. We both know that as we are, we can't win against the empire. If we try to attack, we only invite the Empire to put more resources into hunting us. We just don't have the manpower to fight against them and if we don't have that, we can't afford to jump on any opportunity to undermine the Empire as soon — even if they ignore the fact that we are jedi— they won't be able to ignore us. You've already improved so far in the time since then, we don't need to rush into a battle we can't win."
Cal shoulder slumped with a tired air, "I know. It's just..."
Merrin sat next to Cal and ran a hand up and down his back, "Cal... That vision you had upset you greatly. Take the time to gain your bearings and center yourself. I want you to know that What you accomplished already is astounding. You were able to defeat two inquisitors, them being among the most skilled fighters in the galaxy and even managed to escape Darth Vader, second to the Emperor himself! Biding your time to become stronger is the only way to actually move forward. I waited on Dathomir for years, praying for a chance on my revenge, putting my faith in a corrupted man who only sought to use me for my abilities. Cal, I didn't try to become more, I stagnated and let time pass me. You cannot make the same mistake, but you can't rush into danger just to see if you can make a difference. What happened on Dathomir doesn't change or lessen the belief I have in you."
Greeze piped in too, "Kid, I have seen a lot of things as a pilot and I can honestly say I never would have offered to stay. I have done contract after contract and never felt like doing anything other than looking out for myself. You've changed things for the better kid, don't doubt that."
Cal closed his eyes and leaned his head back, drinking in the unwavering support from his allies and friends, it soothed the doubt that his shadow brought up. Even so, he had no desire to lag and waste time in fear of going back to the temple. He was stronger than the terrified padawan who ran from his past, and tried to forget. He would move towards the future as a knight of the Fallen Jedi Order, and if he ever came face-to-face with his corrupted other, he would show him that — whatever future path Cal chose — choosing the dark side would not be a part of it.
Cal lightsaber was a blur of cyan lightning as he and Cere made their way through the cave, lumas on their waist and BD-1's lights illuminating the path. A few days after Cal's confrontation with his other and while he was using the force while meditating, Cere had approached him about something calling to her from a cave — some of the many that were drilled long ago into the hillsides — and she wished for him to accompany her. Cal had acquiesced and they had set out towards the cave, Cere acting as a guide. Unfortunately, the apparent act of even setting foot — after clearing the entry with a surge of the force — in the cave was some sort of faux insult to the armies of kinrath that resided there. Which now led to them in their current situation of spelunking while fending/fighting off hordes of the cave's inhabitants that were trying to kill them. Cal caught the kinrath with a force grip and tossed it into the wall before tossing one of his saber-halves at it and impaling it through the abdomen.
He had never liked aggressive bugs ever since the force-damn vehicle-sized spiders on Kashyyyk tried to tear out his throat after jumping on his back. The kinrath attacking him has not changed his stance on bugs as they hiss and squeal while swiping at him. The deeper they went into the caves however, the more desperate and aggressive the kinrath became.
He recalled the blade and connected to the other half before clipping it to his belt, "Please tell me they are not going to attack again."
Cere tilted her head as though listening and nodded, "They seemed to have backed off for now."
With that small comfort now given, they walked in silence for a minute to see a glow around a bend in the cave.
When they turned and looked, they were both struck speechless.
"Cere..." He whispered, "Are these...?"
"They have to be..." She whispered, "They can't be anything else..."
Kyber crystals and fractals gleamed from the inside with multitudes of multicolored light, ranging from a slivery viridian to a deep purple. Cal even swore he could see a few red glimmers from the crystals that were scattered throughout the ground. Kinrath eggs had been laid around the gems and probably explained the aggression that they had attacked with when Cal and Cere had entered the caves. Cere wandered over to a outcropping of green crystals and closed her eyes, hearing only a melody that was unheard by anyone else. She knelt down and reached out to gently pluck a single green crystal that glimmered with its own light. She reverently cupped the gem and bowed her head, expression full of peace and joy.
"A crystal called out to me..." She whispered, "I found a new crystal Cal!"
Cal couldn't help the smile that spread over his face at Cere's own joy, "You did. That's wonderful Cere."
Cere watched as Cal pulled out her old saber hilt from a box he had placed under the lightsaber workstation in their ship. They harvested several crystals from the cave, and although any of them weren't kyber crystals, they were some of the focusing crystals that jedi sometimes fitted into their respective hilts to enhance their effect. Cal wasted no time in adding the extra crystals into his saber, grinning in satisfaction when his cyan blade hummed to life. Cal was relieved in that the crystals themselves added an extra sense of balance to the lightsaber, as though a part was not there despite the blade itself working. Cal had no time in Illum to scrounge for extra focusing crystals — what with the Empire mining the planet and him having to leave as soon as the lightsaber was repaired — but now he knew his lightsaber would be far more effective as a weapon.
Cere herself was busy constructing a new hilt with Trilla's lightsaber components. While Cal was skilled with both a single-bladed or double-bladed lightsaber (and with Cere teaching him more about Jar'kai every session, he was much more proficient in that form than when he battled Malicos), Cere didn't remove the second blade from the lightsaber hilt she redesigned and cannibalized from Trilla's old hilt, creating her own green lightsaber with her own focusing crystals. She waved her weapon around experimentally, a smile on her face. The hilt's look had been altered as Cere had removed the circular metal guard and it resembled the lightsaber that Cere had herself. All padawan's lightsabers were generally based on the design of their master's, so Cere had been able to create a hilt that matched her old saber.
Cere's lightsaber was little more than a blaze of green as she danced with her weapon, blade crashing against Cal's as they fought in a secluded area. While the new saber and crystal had felt balanced while she was holding it, she needed to make sure that it felt just as comfortable as it did in combat. Cal and Cere dashed at each other, meeting in the middle as their blades crackled upon clashing against each other.
"So how does that blade feel?" Cal grunted as he pushed against Cere.
"Better than Trilla's!" Cere replied shifting to keep her footing, "It's completely natural!"
They pushed off of each other to leap away and landed a few feet from each other. They both took deep breaths and deactivated their weapons. Cal ran a hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck, smiling at the peaceful aura radiating from Cere. He turned when he heard approaching footsteps and turned to see Merrin looking at the lightsaber in his hand.
"Merrin?" Cal inquired.
"Can you teach me to wield a lightsaber?" She asked abruptly.
Cal mouth dropped open, he honestly didn't see that coming from her, "What?"
She pulled out one of Malicos' lightsabers and ignited it, her face cast in red light, "I see you and Cere training to get stronger and stronger. While I know my magics are strong, I do not have much else to offer in the way of combat."
Cere walked over, having heard Merrin's request, "Merrin. You know that's not true."
Merrin shook her head, "I want to do this. It's not because I want power for its own sake, I want to become stronger because I want to protect the family I have now. All of you are important to me. I already lost a family to the war of the past and I refuse to lose this family to a war that will be coming. I want to be able to protect everything with my own strength."
"Merrin..." Cal said softly as she turned off the lightsaber.
Cal never really thought about how Merrin was probably scared of losing them, he honestly had never considered the idea that Merrin would want to learn how to fight with a lightsaber. Malicos and General Grievous (which he deduced had massacred the night-sisters of Dathomir after hearing Merrin's story and Cere's knowledge) had only showed the worst of the force-users for that matter. He thought she would hate to even have to pick up a lightsaber and use it to fight. Cal knew how it felt to lose everything you once had and then have to try to move on after picking up the pieces, but even he had the benefit of knowing that if he and Cere survived, others may have too. Merrin was probably one of the last of the night-sisters, they may die out within a couple of years and their entire history would be lost.
"Please." Merrin pleaded softly, "I don't ever want to be helpless ever again."
Cal and Cere shared a look and then turned to Merrin, "Okay."