Okay so there are historical inconsistencies regarding the death of the characters in this fic, but where someone dies doesn't mean they stay there otherwise Anakin's ghost would be floating in space somewhere. I probably could go through some sort of persuasive sentence to try to convince you, but honestly I cannot think at the time of writing this bit so I'll let my brain rest (i'm forgetting something but I honestly cannot remember, Midterms suck).
As always, All credit to respective owners!
Special thanks to jojobinks01 for contributions and discussion! Special thanks to Ander Arias for constructive advice! Any questions you may have can be PM'd if you want to know more.
Constructive Reviews are appreciated!
-YARN
Merrin had not initially planned to follow Cal outside the ship when she woke up to him walking out the ramp to stare at the sky. She assumed he had simply gone out for some fresh air and honestly she didn't want to intrude if he was trying to be alone. But her fledging connection to the force urged her to go and at least see if he was alright, and while she wasn't sure her self, both Cal and Cere had stressed to her that the force would never steer her wrong. With that in mind she got up out of her cot, pulled her sleeping robe — a rather impulsive buy while they were on a planet that was in the throes of some sort of festival — more snugly around herself and padded to the open door. She saw Cal with a complicated expression and distress radiating from his posture and projecting slightly through the force.
She could not help herself but join him and was honored that he felt comfortable enough to share his worries.
However, she didn't like the traces of doubt he felt in his abilities since the holocron's vision was revealed to him.
He was a compassionate, strong, and wonderful person, and it hurt her on a level she wasn't comfortable with to see him in pain.
Merrin wasn't ignorant of love and how it was supposed to feel. During her schooling with the other night-sisters while they were young, she had been expected to join a night-brother sooner or later and give birth to the next generation of children. She hadn't been averse to the idea of having a family again, but she never felt any connection to any potential mate in a night-brother. They were bitter about the destruction of the night-sisters and eyed her with looks that honestly made her skin crawl. At one time, she was sure that she would find someone who would love her rather than use her to repopulate or continue their lineage, but that hope dwindled the more night-brothers she crossed paths with.
They cared little for her as a person.
Then Malicos came and the night-brothers were too busy following his will over trying to take her.
A small mercy in her opinion, she had been too hurt and angry to want anyone.
Then Cal appeared and cut a swath through Dathomir, even unintentionally completing the rite of passage and THEN killing the Gorgara itself (Something Merrin frankly didn't believe was possible for anything, even the army that killed the night-sisters, especially after seeing how the Gorgara was smashing itself against cliffs and oversized roots in an attempt to kill the jedi clinging to its neck).
She had been silently impressed.
When he returned and explained what he was, the overwhelming and nearly euphoric relief that someone in the galaxy could EMPATHIZE, could RELATE and UNDERSTAND was enough for her to place her faith in him.
And entombing Malicos in the ground felt so damn good.
After they left Dathomir and she bid goodbye to her former home, they were almost instantly forced to travel to Nur due to the holocron. It was then she resolved to make sure she wasn't losing anyone else. Not Greeze, not Cere, not Cal.
Never Cal.
But a part of her was unsure if the connection she felt was simply a product of their similar circumstances alone and led to a understanding that was like love, or simply the catharsis of fighting the empire augmenting her feelings. A year had gone by since her departure from Dathomir and what confirmed her thoughts was the fact the the emotions she felt when looking at Cal had only intensified. If she were honest, she didn't want to take this slowly. Their lives were constantly under the threat of Vader and the Empire and one bad move and they could be lost forever, but the same time she didn't want her feelings for him (and what she could sense from him) interfering with their growth as warriors.
Maybe when they were sure it wouldn't be a detriment, then Merrin would confess exactly how she felt around him, but they had time and Merrin planned to make the most of it.
Cal slowly made his way to the crumbling Enclave that presented him with a vision of his corrupted shadow. When he explained his desire to visit the Enclave once again, everyone was against the idea as the last thing Cal needed was another bout of self-depreciation. Xavier — who was rapidly becoming a regular fixture at their camp despite his own conflicts — had been confused until Cal had explained and even he thought it was a bad idea. Even so, Cal felt the force urging him to go back to the Enclave and he followed his deceased master's advice to trust in it. With his mind set, Cere had sighed and asked Merrin and Xavier and even BD-1 to watch over Cal if he simply had to go as he could hardly be counted on to take care of himself (ignoring to Cal's indignant objections and BD's equivalent to laughter). With all that settled — without Cal's opinion being considered in the slightest — the group of four had set off.
Which led to the current situation of all of them looking over the broken temple.
Xavier was the first to approach and cautiously bent down next to some of the crumbled masonry, "I knew about the enclave since Falon told me about it, but I didn't really expect to visit it at any time... It's ancient."
"It feels..." Merrin began, her voice quiet, "like it's been hurt..."
At first, Cal is at a loss in regards as how to respond. He felt it the first time when he had come here — the ancient ache of the murdered jedi — but his psychometry and visions had provided a sufficient distraction to not think about it. Being here now, with caution while not being caught off guard, he feels the brunt of the lingering emotions he had not really thought about. Hearing his companions' observations and thinking back to the visions, he probed the force for more information on the matter. He wasn't Cere, who's connection to the force was much stronger than his and could glean a lot more, but it was enough (Cal wasn't complaining, Cere was a master before she cut herself off and after Nur, reestablishing her connection took time. His own journey took time for his connection to become what it was; he had grown just as much as she had and she was still teaching him things Jaro Tapal had not been able to). The Force murmured the painful history of what had happened here and he closed his eyes for a moment in melancholy acceptance.
Cal mouth was set in a grim line, still feeling the lingering ache, "Jedi died by the dozens here, I could feel it before my vision happened. The act opened something like a wound in The Force, it honestly could be worse though."
"Worse?" Echoed Xavier, "How can it get worse?"
"The more death, the more pain." Cal expanded, the force whispering in his ear how best to explain, "Clearly all the jedi didn't die here, otherwise we wouldn't be here now. But the slaughter caused a ripple of pain to echo through the force, time has healed it to a degree as the life on this planet soothed the pain, but the echo of the actions will never truly vanish."
BD whirred in worry at Cal, who shook his head and took a deep breath.
"Then why are we even here?" Xavier demanded, "I may not be as trained as you, but everything I even begin to associate with The Force in me is screaming to not focus on the darkness that's here."
"Then don't." Cal says.
His frank statement was met by silence.
He closes his eyes and drops to his knees and takes another deep breath, "There is light and darkness, no matter where you go. Some places are stronger in one or the other, but there will always be both. I choose to focus on the light rather than let the darkness dominate."
Cal reaches out to the force and instantly he felt the force pull him away, avoiding the shadows of the darkness and towards the points of light.
When Cal opened his eyes, he was once again clad in those same robes he was in the first vision and is still in the kneeling position of his meditation. BD-1's weight was absent and so were the presences of his friends, but he didn't worry or panic like he did at first as his lightsaber still hung from his waist like before. He looked to his side only to hear a soft 'ahem'.
Startled he jolts back before he looked in front of him to see a fully-grown twilek in blue robes that resembled the same robes jedi wore. His skin was red and his purple eyes held a sense of calm contemplation. He seemed amused at the sight of Cal who had only just noticed him. At his waist hung a lightsaber and his arms were folded in his sleeves as Cal had seen some of the older jedi in the temple do when he was still there.
"Well met, young jedi." The twilek greets calmly.
Cal blinked but straightened slightly, "Hello um..."
"You may call me Jedi Master Zhar Lestin."
Cal nodded and shifted uneasily, "Where are we?"
Zhar turned to look the the side, waving an arm at the room they were in, "The ancient Jedi Enclave back in it's prime, where many jedi came from in the ancient times. Honestly, it's been many many years since a force-sensitive has come. The force has darkened considerably in the past few years, as thought the light has all but died. Why are you here?"
Cal looked down, if he was right then this was an ancient jedi who had passed long ago, who was now a ghost, "I... I want to be able to rebuild the jedi order... I want to become stronger so that when the order is rebuilt, then it can become something that can truly last."
Zhar was let out an inaudible sigh, eyes sad, "So it is true. The Jedi have all but fallen?"
Cal looked up, "Yes. The order was destroyed by the sith."
Cal wasn't exactly sure if the apparent jedi knew or not, he might've known, he might not have known. He wasn't alive, he probably hadn't been for a very long time. That probably meant that he was very out of the loop. If that was the case, was that a good thing? Was that a bad thing?
Zhar eyes flickered with annoyance, "How do you plan to rebuild the order with just yourself? You probably have seen the power of the sith and what they are capable of."
"It's why I have come," Cal replied, anger and grief at his weakness bubbling in his voice, "I don't know how to protect anyone if I do recreate the order. I am not strong enough as I am now. I need to be able to learn all I can if I want to protect those I care about. The Sith will never stop hunting me and my family. I won't let anyone hurt my family, I rip them apart if they try."
"The jedi never use their power in anger." Zhar replied, his tone impersonal.
"The jedi as they were don't exist anymore! They all got wiped out!" Cal challenged, eyes narrowed and fist clenched, "When I met a fallen Jedi Master, he explained why the jedi fell. The worst part is that he wasn't wrong! The jedi were arrogant in their belief that they stamped out the sith and they were wrong! The sith hid in the shadows of the order and by the time we realized what had happened, it was far too late! The traditions that the order clung to only made us stagnate and become blind to the outside! We didn't change for a millennia and the entire galaxy had! You say we shouldn't use our power in anger? Fine! But what about self-defense? What about to save others? Should we just watch the galaxy burn and other innocents die because we aren't oath-bound to protect them?"
Zhar was quiet at Cal's rant watching the panting knight. He remembered a young man who willfully disobeyed the council to fight in a war they honestly didn't want a part in. His charisma and ideals were enough to drag so many into the war and the jedi were left scrambling to stay alive. After the war, their once massive order had lost so many and then to make matters worse, a scant handful of jedi remained. Was the situation presented to him now different?
No, the jedi were practically dead, all that was left of them were the few that hid away, but if the jedi had risen from the ashes once, they could do so again.
But they could not do so without help.
This young knight was right, relying on what minimal skills he had would only lower his chances to survive.
The Jedi Order to Revan and the Exile.
The Jedi Order to this young man.
History once again repeating due to a stubborn refusal to change.
"You remind me of a very stubborn jedi I once taught." Zhar commented, a tired smile stretching over his face for a moment, "And perhaps he was right to do what he did."
Cal head snapped up, a bit thrown by that statement, "What?"
Zhar ignored Cal's confusion, "I suppose we can start right now if you are so inclined."
Cal blinked, deciding not to look a gift Bantha in the mouth "I would like to."
Zhar mouth tilted into what could've been considered a grin, "Very well."
Merrin and Xavier watched as Cal stayed in the same position, eye flicking behind his eyelids, but not even twitching from his position. Xavier was pacing and absently spinning his weapon in his hand. Merrin sat cross-legged and was fiddling with her inherited lightsaber as she ran her hands over the gleaming surface. Part of her was disgusted that she had to use Malicos' lightsaber, while another part of her took vindictive pleasure in it, knowing he would've refused her a chance to even touch his weapon. Merrin looked over to Xavier who looked uncomfortable at the situation of being alone with the person he fully intended to murder.
"We already forgave you." She said without preamble.
Xavier stiffened before exhaling in a rush, "Yeah... Well that doesn't exactly make me feel all that much better. What if I had killed you?"
"You didn't." Merrin replied, already resigning herself to this ethical debate. "If you had attacked Cal or Cere, I would've attacked you. You were operating without full knowledge of the situation was foolish but you can't truly be judged too harshly due to your past. Cal once suffered with the guilt of being unable to save his master much like how you were unable to save Falon and stop your brother. You did the right thing when it mattered, and you are no more guilty than Cal was as he was a child."
Xavier sighed and ran a hand through his hair, something he had let grow out since Falon's death, "I know."
"Then stop trying to apologize." Was Merrin's simple reply.
They waited in silence before Xavier inquired, "Are you going to try to meditate like Cal?"
Merrin stilled.
In all honesty she had considered it, Cal and Cere had started with basic lightsaber katas and stances for Niman and said that meditating was something she could do if she wanted to hone on her connection to The Force. Frankly, she had been a bit more interested in mastering her lightsaber and she already meditated quite a lot when it came to her magic, but maybe trying it with the force wouldn't be too different. Even so, she hadn't made it a priority with what she was learning, and at this temple, she wasn't sure she had enough experience to avoid the darkness that Cal had mentioned. The last thing she wanted was to have a dark vision of her past or see some alternate version of herself.
She was all too aware of how close she had come to killing Cal and her chest constricted painfully every time the ugly though reared its head.
"Perhaps after I have learned a bit more about The Force." She replied, absently twirling the hilt of the lightsaber in her hand, "I don't think that i have the experience as of now to do that in a place such as this."
Xavier nodded to himself, that was fair.
Cal wasn't exactly thrilled at the fact he had to find someone to mind-trick in order to practice, he'd seen Jaro Tapal do it, but he never had the chance to actually test it out for himself. Zhar had been very patient and kind — which Cal appreciated — but he wasn't sure how to explain to him he wasn't going to try to mentally dominate some poor farmer who he happened to be talking to.
"I am not saying to practice on a farmer." Zhar chuckled at Cal stumbling excuses, "Mind-trick is more than simply making someone doing something. You can have your enemies fight for you, influence the mind to ignore your presence, even conjure illusions if mastered. The only limitation is creativity when it comes to the force. Of course the ability is much much more difficult to apply to a force user, but it's not impossible."
"I never thought of that..." Cal mumbled.
Zhar hand lifted and his lightsaber snapped into his hand before igniting with a deep blue blade, "It's an advanced application, but still all advanced techniques are built upon the basics. Now we spar and we will consider it a resounding success if you can fend off my intrusions mid-battle."
Cal swallowed as he straightened and drew his lightsaber and the blade snapped to life.
Even if this was a vision, he had a very bad feeling this was gonna hurt.
The Force giggled in amusement around him.