Jasper sat on the bed he shared with Alice, legs crossed and book on his lap. It had only been two days since he slipped.
Alice had assured them the man's death wouldn't be linked to them; people would believe it was some kind of animal due the scratch on his face, which meant they wouldn't have to move.
She had left a few minutes ago, but not before kissing him and telling him that it would be alright.
By this point, he had grown used to her cryptic comments.
What he didn't expect was for there to be a light knock on the door, Carlisle and Esme's scent coming from the other side.
Carlisle was anxious but confident. Esme too, though there was a flicker of sadness in her emotions.
Weird.
-Jasper, son, can we come in?
-Sure.- Alice had left the door cracked open, so he was sure they could hear him even though the walls were soundproof.
He tried to not let it bother him when they stepped into the room, and Esme closed the door behind her. He didn't miss the curious look she threw at the cardboard covered window that was half open, letting natural light leak in.
Esme sat at his side, and he tried to not inch back from her proximity.
Carlisle, on the other hand, sat a safe distance from Jasper, making sure to give him his space. He peeled his gaze from the cardboard covering the window in order to look at his newest son and saw a book resting on his lap.
He still remembers when Alice first came to him and asked if Jasper could borrow some of his books. She had said that he liked to read, but that he wouldn't come and ask him himself.
The first time Carlisle caught him in his study, picking a book on his own, the boy had looked like Carlisle was about to kill him right then and there. It had taken a lot of coaxing to make him understand he could borrow books whenever he wanted, as long as he put them back when he was done and took good care of them.
He looked at him, and his red gaze stared back expectantly.
-Do you need something?- Jasper's question pulled him out of his thoughts.
Right. There was a reason they were here.
Ever since he slipped, Jasper started becoming more and more withdrawn, holding them at an ever-increasing distance. His behavior was almost… skittish.
And it worried him that all the progress they had made would be washed away from this one incident.
Also.
There was something else they needed to talk to him about. He had spoken with Esme, and despite how sad Alice had been about it, they knew it was the right thing to do. This was putting too much pressure on Jasper.
Like it or not, things had to be taken slower than they had initially planned.
-How are you feeling?- Carlisle asked. Jasper frowned.
-Fine. Am I in trouble?- He could feel their emotions: anxiousness, sadness, confidence. What was this about?
-No. You are not in trouble, darling; we just... we have been talking and...
-We think it's best for you to not go back to school.- Carlisle finished.
Jasper bristled at that. Why? He used sunglasses; no one would notice his red eyes. Was it because he slipped?
-But I can do it.
-And no one is saying you can't.- Esme assured him.
-No, I can really do it. I have been practicing a lot. I won't use the sunglasses anymore after my eyes turn gold again; I don't need them. I will go hunting whenever I need to; I won't hold off because of some light. I promise I can do it.
-Jasper, I'm not saying you won't be able to go back to school at some point. We just need to keep you here until you are able to do so without having to subject yourself to pain or discomfort.
Carlisle's words made Jasper drop his head and bite his tongue. It wasn't fair. He didn't want to be kept here like a weakling while the others got to do whatever they pleased. He had been working so hard on his control. It wasn't fair.
-I know you have worked hard Jasper; I know you are doing your best, but you don't have to put so much pressure on yourself. No one here is pushing you to do things you aren't ready for. You can take all the time you need; there will be more opportunities for you to go to school.
-But I don't have time. I need to do this. I have to be able to do this. You have to let me do this. Please.
God, he needed to do this. Because if he wasn't able to do this he had no right to belong here. No right at all.
But most of all.
He wanted to prove Maria's words wrong.
He needed to prove Maria wrong.
-Jasper, is there something I should know?- Carlisle's question caused Jasper to slouch and refuse to look at him.
-Sweetheart-
Esme's words caught in her throat as, when she tried to touch on his shoulder, he flinched away from her; it had been a while since he had reacted like that to her touch.
-Please don't touch me.
The flicker of pain in her emotions stabbed at Jasper, guilt building inside of him as his vision blurred. Frustration welled up inside of him. He hated this. He hated this so much.
He tensed even more when Carlisle grabbed his face and tipped it up so their gazes would meet, but he still refused to look at him. He couldn't look at him. He couldn't bear to do so when he felt like he had betrayed his trust, like all this would crumble down the second what he had wanted to do came to light. Esme would hate him.
-This isn't about leaving school, is it?- Carlisle questioned, his voice gentle as he wiped a stray tear from Jasper's cheek.
A sob was his answer.
-Tell us what's wrong so we can help you; I promise that whatever it is, we will get through it.- Carlisle said, willing Jasper to trust them with whatever burden he was carrying.
-I don't want her to be right about me.- He ended up whispering, his voice breaking at the end.- I can't let her be right about me.
It took Carlisle a moment to realize who "her" was.
-Maria?
Jasper gave him a short nod.
What had happened to make him think of that woman? For this attitude to arise? Was it the slip? He had slipped before, and not even once had it caused this kind of grief. Yeah, he would sulk, but Alice always managed to get him back on his feet.
This time, things seemed to be different.
-Jasper, what is this truly about?- Carlisle asked worriedly.
-I wanted her venom.
The words left him before he could stop them, but he couldn't do this. He couldn't bear to feel their comfort. Their concern. Not when he knew what he was. What he had almost done.
The shock and surprise in the air crashed into him like a tidal wave. He pushed Carlisle's hands off him before getting off the bed.
Or at least, he tried to, but the sudden grip on his wrist made him fall back onto the bed.
It wasn't Carlisle.
It was Esme.
And she was stronger than he had ever given her credit for.
Her gaze was so sharp, his throat closed.
-Listen to me, young man. I don't care about what happened; I still love you, and I will do so no matter what happens or what you do. You wanted to do that because you hadn't fed in almost two days, am I right?
He gave a small nod.
-See? You didn't do it on purpose. And even then, you got away because you didn't want to hurt me. You got away because you knew it was wrong. You do have control over yourself.
-I don't. I left because I remembered her fingers around my throat; not because of my "exceptional" control.
He realized what he said too late.
The flare of horror in the air made him avoid their gazes. If he didn't look at them, he wouldn't have to look at their devastated faces.
But he could still feel their sadness. Shock. Anger.
-It's not as bad as it sounds. Strangling wasn't even the worst thing she ever did to me, and if you really think about it, that was probably the only good thing she actually ever did for me.
Even if that meant she'd had him bite her for hours and hours until he finally snapped.. Even if once he lost control, she would choke him and threaten to break his neck if he didn't stop. Even if it was something she had forced him to do in the first place.
-That's not a good thing, Jasper.- Esme said, horrified at his words.
He shrugged.
-That's a horrible thing to do to someone.
Jasper couldn't help but scoff.
-Horrible? Horrible is to be torn apart and put back together over and over and over and over again like your nothin' but a mere puzzle. Or be expected to put yourself back together. That's horrible. Or having newborns set on you so they will tear you apart. Starved either as a punishment or 'cause it will make you better.
He was aware he was spilling too much. That he should shut up. This was useless information. One no one but Alice should know, yet...
-Horrible is to be thrown under the sun over a thousand times. Tied up naked under the sun until it feels like your skin will melt off your bones. To be forced to fight even when it feels like your skull is tearin' itself apart over the tumult of emotions around you.
There were things coming out of his mouth that not even Alice had ever heard.
But he couldn't stop them.
Because he hated the faith that was being put in him when no one had a clue how weak he actually was.
Such a pathetic excuse for a soldier.
-To infect others and then watch 'em go crazy so you can see what will become of you if you don't do as you're told. They would bite and feed off me until I couldn't move. They slaughtered each other for their own blood. They would scream and scratch and- they were nightmares.
They weren't former humans nor vampires.
They were nightmares.
-I had to kill all her newborns when their time was up. I could feel their pain. Their betrayal. Their anger. Some of 'em even tried to comfort me, eveb though I was the one killin' 'em. They should've hated me for it, not tried to make it easier on me. I was killin' 'em. I didn't want their understandin' an' reassurance . I killed 'em all. Each and every single one of 'em. I killed 'em all.
God, there had been so many of them.
-She made me rip 'em apart. Bite 'em until the venom paralyzed 'em. Use my gift on 'em to the point where some of 'em had to be put down 'cause their minds collapsed under the pressure. There was a boy there; I know some of the newborns were young, but... He was twelve. He liked me, and I killed him.- He couldn't keep his voice from breaking at the end.
Because Eric had been so good. Not strong nor even that skilled, but good despite his situation and so full of a desire for learning about the new world he was brought into. He had loved watching the stars, and he had taught Jasper some extra sneaky card tricks.
He didn't deserve to die.
None of them did. Carlos. Alexander. Hannah. Miguel. Julieta. Milo. Amanda. Isaiah. Robert. Lily. None of them had deserved to end up beheaded and burnt. To be forever forgotten.
But it happened.
All of them.
Forgotten.
Because of him.
The sudden pressure of arms around him ended up crushing what little control he still had. He hated how pathetic he was as tears started streaming down his face. God, he had cried here more than he had ever cried with Maria.
The overwhelming sadness in the air. The anger. Shock. Disbelief. Comfort. Love. Compassion. Sympathy.
It was too much.
All of those emotions for him. For him.
He turned around and clung to her, returning her embrace feverently, and reveling in their emotions in the hope that they would wash away the pain from his chest.
But not even they could overpower the darkness that hung over his mind.
And that did nothing but make him cry even more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carlisle and Esme had known that what Maria had done to Jasper had been bad.
But the actual reality of what she did had turned out to be so much worse. So, so much worse.
It was no wonder he was so skittish when it came to letting others close to him. Why, even to this day, Carlisle's anger made him cower.
That woman had tortured him. Both physically and psychologically. She had torn him apart and made him put himself back together. She had thrown newborns at him in the same manner one would set dogs upon prey.
All this time, Carlisle had thought those scars were the results of fights, and a few from Maria as punishments.
He never expected it would be the result of such cruelty, and part of him now feared how scarred he may actually be under his clothes.
That woman had scarred him more than he had ever thought.
And to starve him. How could one be so cruel? No wonder he was so aggressive towards whoever got too close when he was feeding.
Each word that came out of his mouth seemed to be worse than the previous one.
And it destroyed Carlisle's heart.
Because, God.
To have survived through such Hell and still be able to let the person who had brought him so much pain live. To have such gentle and caring nature...
Jasper was so much stronger than Carlisle had ever given him credit for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For Esme, it tore at her heart to hear what that woman had put him through. Each and every word... It made her chest ache to hear him so distressed. Miserable. So small.
To feel his pain. Sadness. Fear. Shame.
She couldn't help but pull him into a hug. There was nothing for him to feel shame about. No need for him to feel that fear anymore.
And to have him cling to her with such force – to have him crying in her arms – it left her throat tight and made her eyes prickle with tears and she held him close to her.
-It's alright sweetheart; you're okay. You are no longer in that place. You are safe here.- She soothed softly, focusing on all the love she held for him and hoping that that would bring him the comfort she knew he very much needed right now.
The whimper that left him ended up being the final blow that shattered her heart into a million pieces; she wanted nothing more than to hide him from the world, even more so when he buried his face into the crook of her neck.
She carded her fingers through his hair, holding him close and wishing she could take his pain away the same way he could do so for others.
Carlisle watched them with a tight chest, wishing he could also wrap his arms around Jasper, but knowing that if he did, he could accidentally make the boy feel trapped. He was upset enough as it was; he didn't want to make it any worse.
So all he did was rub soft circles on his back and focus on sending comfort and calm towards him. Love. Acceptation.
Carlisle didn't want Jasper to feel like what happened to him somehow made him weak. He could be a lot of things, but not weak. Never weak.
He didn't need to feel shame, for none of what happened was his fault. He didn't deserve any of those so-called punishments, nor to carry those deaths with him.
He didn't need to feel fear, for he was more than safe here. That woman would never get her hands on him again. Not as long as Carlisle lived.
It took a while before he stopped sobbing, and even then, neither Esme or Carlisle stopped sending him their comfort.
Little sniffles left him from time to time.
-Please don't tell Alice.- The sudden reminder of Alice put a strain in Jasper's voice as panic pierced his chest, and he pulled back from the embrace.- You can't tell her. She cannot know.
He didn't want her to know. He didn't want her to know. He didn't want her pity. To feel her pain.
Or worse.
Her disgust at realizing her so-called protector was too weak to stand his ground against one single woman.
Even now, that was only half of what Maria had done to him. Some of the worst, but not all of it.
There were things he would rather not remember.
Because if he didn't remember it, then it didn't happen. It didn't happen.
-Oh sweetheart.
As much as Esme wished to tell him he had nothing to be scared of, for Alice would never think ill of him, she also had a feeling that that would do nothing but make him panic even more.
So all she did was pull him back into a hug and share a look with Carlisle.
-Jasper, son, you have nothing to worry about. What has been said here today won't leave this room. I give you my word. Thank you for your trust.- Carlisle soothed him, resting his hand on the boy's back once again.
At least he seemed to relax at that.
Carlisle knew Alice would never think ill of Jasper. No matter what his past held, she would never judge him. The bond those two carried was still, to this day, something mesmerizing to behold.
But he also knew that if there was one weakness in Jasper, it was Alice.
The idea of disappointing her, even in the slightest, put him in a horrible state.
So of course he would want to hide as much of his past from her as possible.
Even now, after all he told them. After all that had spilled out of him.
Carlisle had a feeling that there was even more to it.
But something told him that Jasper would never allow anyone to hear the actual extent of what he went through in that place.