Hiii. I'm back. You guys have to listen to this song. It's definitely nice and chill and perfect for late night daydreaming haha. I wrote this one literally late tonight. I was just listening to this song and it just sparked something. A bottle of wine and some brie and grapes and here's an update. I also started updated To Hell and Back but that's probably going to be up tomorrow :)
Ready - MILCK
Teddy is panicking. She's definitely panicking because there is a man who leased her an apartment. There is a man in her newly leased apartment building a crib for her soon-to-arrive baby. This man is not the father. She's not even sure if she loves this man. But there is a man. And she's not ready for that. Or for this baby.
But.
There's Owen. She can't stop thinking about Owen. She can't get him out of her mind. Random memories would flood back to her. Every time her daughter squirmed and kicked, she thought of him. She's going to be their little soccer baby, probably. Eventually this kid will come out and grow up and probably play sports. Owen coaching her soccer team, then maybe even t-ball. Owen driving her to ballet. Owen doing all the things he's always dreamed of doing. Owen in the snow with their children. Owen during the holidays.
She can't stop thinking about Owen.
The truth is she's been having mild contractions the entire day and she's been choosing to ignore it because she's not ready to have to baby. She's not ready. She doesn't have anything. It's probably just false labor. She can still stand. She's still ran the ER and covered Maggie's services. She's fine. She's not ready but she's fine.
But Owen. Owen is somewhere in Seattle being a superhero. Saving children. Saving human beings. Owen is a good person. The best, if you ask her. Sure he's made terrible choices but he's a good guy. He is a great father to Leo. She does not doubt he will be an amazing father to their child.
She daydreams about Sunday mornings with him, their daughter, Leo, having breakfast as a family. Spending their day together. Movie nights. Picnics in the park. Camping.
She can see it so clearly.
She doesn't think about these things with the man in the newly leased apartment building a crib. She all of a sudden thinks about the future and she sees it all with Owen.
She hasn't thought about it because she never expected things to go this way. She didn't want to think about it because this is so unplanned and so unprecedented that it scares her to actually imagine anything beyond the next day. She's not ready to think about anything. She lives in a hotel and she's with a man who isn't Owen and she's about to have this baby and she's scared and she's panicking and she's not ready.
She feels pains in her back and her hips. It comes and goes and she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath because it's just the anxiety. She's not in labor. No. Nope. Absolutely not.
Then she hears his speech to the blood donor. About being paralyzed by something that hasn't happened yet and probably won't. And suddenly she's paralyzed. Paralyzed at the thought that she will be having this baby very soon and he's not by her side. Also paralyzed at the thought that it's not his arms who get to be around hers each night. Paralyzed at the thought that their child won't get to spend every waking moment with him, because she should, because he would carry their child and lift their child to her very best potential, because that's the type of man Owen is. Some days, the paralyzing thought that Owen is not by her side holding her feels like it could end her. And it hurts even more when she thinks about their child. But she wants to be held, and be lifted and be carried by Owen. She knows he will fully protect their child, protect her.
Her mind takes her back to Germany, the moment her entire life changed. She doesn't regret anything. Okay, maybe she sometimes regret kicking him out. She likes to imagine scenarios in her head—things that would have happened if she didn't. If they talked things through. If she heard him out. But it's all pointless anyway. Because she did. She kicked him out and back into Amelia's arms. They wouldn't be in this …. mess… but, maybe it's a beautiful thing to be in this mess, because it makes her realize what she really wants. That despite everything else, despite all the love and attention and affection some other man have given her, she still thinks about Owen. She still thinks about being held in his arms. She still thinks about his eyes, his smile, his hair. She still wants to run her fingers through his hair. She still wants to hold his face. Owen. She still wants Owen.
Owen still drives her crazy.
And this isn't just because the pains on her back and sides are definitely getting stronger.
But she wants Owen. She knows. She's sure. No doubt.
Then she gets pulled into a surgery. She tells herself to focus. Focus on the lungs, the lobes. But all she could focus on is Owen. How he would look when he finally gets to hold their child. She feels somewhat guilty for not sharing the whole pregnancy experience with him. He would have been adorable the entire time. But it's fine. She will make it up to him. She can't stop thinking about him.
After her surgery she looks at the surgical board, hoping to find his name. Hoping he's back from his rescue mission. She needed to talk to him. But he's nowhere to be found.
So she gets in her car and she drives to Owen's house because he needs to know. He needs to know how she really feels. He needs to tell her because there's no time to fuck around anymore.
She needs to tell him that she's all in. That she wants the whole thing with him. The yard. The kids. The soccer games. The swim meets. The dance recitals. The PTA meetings. The Sunday mornings. Tucking the kids in. She's all in. She wants all that with Owen. She wants to be in the life Owen has imagined for himself. And she wants to start thinking about beyond tomorrow. And when she's does, all she sees is Owen.
So she knows on his door. Ready to risk it all. She briefly thinks about that time she knocks on this same door and Betty answered the door, but she pushes that thought aside.
He opens the door. He looks at her, mildly concerned. Leo nuzzled against his neck, sniffly and coughing. She can't help but swoon. The way he's holding her. Filled with love and affection. It looks good on him. And certainly very soon he will be holding their child, because the pain is definitely stronger now and definitely more constant, but then she realizes she's no longer scared. Because Owen is here. In front of her. She will be fine. It will be okay. Owen will protect her.
"Hey. Hi." He says, opening the door, giving her a confused looks "What's up? You okay?"
"Sorry. I—" She stammers. She doesn't know if she's stammering because she's nervous or still panicking, or she can definitely confirm she just had a cramp that she can no longer ignore.
"Come in…"
She storms in and paces on his foyer. He just stares dumbly at her waiting for her to speak.
"I love you." She blurts out. She takes a deep breath and she keeps pacing. "I am in love with you and it's scary and we hurt each other and… it's not easy…, and I don't want safe and I don't want to raise our daughter to just feel safe. I want her to have love and see love and feel passion and see passion and rage and everything. And Tom makes me laugh… and feel safe… but I don't love him. I am in love with you. I don't feel the passion or the rage or the ecstasy with him. And I don't want to trade all those things for safety. I want to be with you, Owen. I want many years of passion and rage and ecstasy. You are the only person who makes me feel all those things. And I have to tell you before our daughter is born. Because you have to know. Because… Owen. I don't want to waste anymore time. I want you. And I hope you want me too because then all of this will just be very embarrassing."
"Are you…" Owen musters to say "Are you aware that you're leaking."
"My water broke…. Around passion, rage, and ecstasy. But I just had to say all that."
"Teddy, of course I want you too."
"You do?"
"Yeah."
He puts Leo down and pulls Teddy into her arms.
"I love you too and you make me feel all those things too. And you're still leaking."
"I know."
She holds onto him. She holds onto him tightly and she doesn't want to let go.
"We should.. uh.."
"Yeah"
She is definitely in labor now. Officially. But she's okay because Owen is here. And Owen loves her too. And Owen wants her too.
"Teddy" He says when he comes back. A huge smile on his face, a roll of paper towel in his hand.
"Yeah?" She can't help but smile at him. He looked adorable. Like and excited child.
"We get to hold her soon."
"Are you ready?" She asks.
"I'm ready."
"Teddy, she's beautiful" He says. He can't get his eyes off of their daughter. Allison. Ten fingers, ten toes.
She scoots a little so Owen can sit next to her. Their baby in his arms. Protected. Swaddled. Loved. Healthy. Perfect.
"Did you mean when you said you've always been in love with me?"
Owen leans his head against hers.
"Yes" He holds her face with his freehand and leans in to kiss her. "I believe I haven't done that yet. Since.. this whole thing.."
Teddy's heart flutter. This feels good. This feels right. Teddy is tired. And elated and emotional and feeling so many things at once. But now she's loved and she's ready. She leans her head against his shoulder and holds their baby's tiny hand.
"Do you think she'll do sports or—"
"No question."
"She definitely practiced soccer using my bladder for a good month."
He just chuckles in response and leaves a kiss on her head.
"Hey.." She says, with a sigh. "I'm sorry… about everything. I feel like you missed out on all the dad stuff during this entire pregnancy. You should have experienced that too."
"You don't have to apologize. It doesn't matter. I'll be here every day to experience all the other things."
"But it does, Owen. This is something you've always wanted."
"And I have it. We have her. And that's all I want. You, her, Leo. This is it, Teddy. This is the dream. And look at her. She's… perfect"
"Owen, I'm all in. I hope you know that"
"Me too."
"But I'm not going to live in your house—"
"Teddy—"
"I can't. We'll be at the hotel. Until.. I don't know. I don't really have a plan."
"Okay." He says, defeated. She knows he'll fight that battle later when she's less loopy and tired.
They sit in comfortable silence, admiring their daughter. She swims in her thoughts. This is real life. She's officially with Owen. Owen is in love with her too. They have a child. This is it. This is where it starts. This is the freefall. Her Owen. Their two kids.
During a normal time she would be scared and panicking, but at this moment, it could be the hormones or the exhaustion or the excruciating pain she just went through, but at the moment she is happy. She's ready. She's ready for forever, in case forever really exist. She's ready to show their kids that love exists and feel love and that passion and rage and ecstasy can all exist at the same time. She's ready to show Owen and prove to Owen that they're worthy of each other. That this is what they've all been missing this entire time.
They're ready. They're parents. They're a family.
"Have you imagined this?" Teddy asks softly.
"I have. When you told me you were pregnant…I just forgot about anything or anyone else. I'd just imagine you, a tiny you, Leo, me. I'd think about it a lot. And I was really upset when Tom was in the picture because that shifted all the things I've imagined. And—"
"Oh god. Tom. I—"
Owen laughs "You didn't call him?"
"When would I have the time!? I didn't even think about—"
"Oh well, he'll figure it out."
Then just like that Tom Koracick was just a passing thought. She plays with her daughter's toes. Excited about what she's going to be. What she'll be like in a few months, few years.
"Have you?" Owen asks, interrupting her thoughts. "Imagined this?"
"Yeah. Especially in the last twenty four hours." She says with a chuckle. "I haven't before because I was scared. Because my life was a complete mess. But now? I see it so clearly. It's the only thing that makes sense."
"Yeah, I know."
Owen paces in the small hospital room. Teddy is asleep. Their baby in a tiny bassinet nearby. His mom just left the hospital with Leo. And he's alone. And everything is quiet and the excitement has died down. And he can feel the ring box his mom handed him before leaving in his pocket.
His heart beats fast when he thinks about it. His mom's ring. His mom gave him her ring to give to Teddy.
He needs it to be perfect. He's not going to get down on one knee today. Because that's cliche. It will be perfect. The timing will be right.
But right now he's just happy. He and Teddy were finally honest to each other about how they feel. Today, he also held their baby. He could explode in joy. He's happy. He's truly happy. And he's ready.
He's ready to let himself be happy. Ready to let love in. Ready to prove to her he's worthy of her love. He's ready to spend forever with his best friend.
But he's not going to ask the question now. Because he feels that it won't be good enough. Teddy deserves the world. She moved her entire life for him. He's not going to ask her to marry him in this room.
He puts his hand in his pocket and fiddles with it.
But he wants wants to now. He wants to jump in. He's ready.
He's interrupted by his phone vibrating. It was Megan. He picks up and tells her. Tells her that they finally figured it out. He tells her that they both wised up . That they're together. Finally.
"Finally." Megan shrieks into the phone.
He smiles. This is it. It's not just anyone. It's Teddy. She's always been his best friend. She's been family.
Not today, but someday.
His hand plays with the box while he talks to his sister. He thinks about Teddy. The first time he saw her. The first time they talked. The first time they got close. They first time they bared their souls to each other.
It all led to this moment. To today.
They're ready.
yes, i also feel like this could have been more. i know. i know.