Hello I have a short one. :) I hope we've all calmed down from that mid season finale. I have a lot of feelings about it. But I also know Teddy and Owen will end up together because they did not build this shit up for 11 years and just have it blow up like that :) I just can't wait to go along for this teddy owen rollercoaster ride.
Outnumbered - Dermot Kennedy
Owen's triggers come and go. He could go for months and months without being triggered. Without thinking about all the friends he lost. But around this time of the year, it's almost routine. He'll have a dream. Or he'll hear a sound. Or he'll see something. And he can't help it but he's back in a time and a place.
He wakes up in a cold sweat. Jolted. Out of breath. He opens his eyes and afraid of what he'll see. But there's nothing. Just darkness. Sliver of moonlight from the window. He knows one thing for sure. Dan is not dying in his arms. He's not in the desert. He's in his bed. And he looks to his side. She's there. She's curled up. Her blonde hair sprawled on her pillow. She's breathing steadily. He's not covered in blood and guts and sand. He's perfectly safe.
He has this recurring dream every year on the anniversary of Dan's death. It's more a memory that plays and plays in his head every year. It fucks him up in so many ways. No one ever understands it. He could barely wrap his mind around it. But it's a horrifying memory that keeps coming back to him. Keeping him awake.
"But you should. You should propose to Altman." He says with all his might, through his labored breathing. Some of his last words were him perpetuating a running joke. Now he realizes it was never a joke. "You know, you two, you should…" Sometimes he just hear him gasping for air. He remembers stopping him because it was silly. Because he didn't want to think about her that way. He didn't want to ruin their friendship even though everybody thinks they're more than friends. So he reminds Dan he has Beth. He's engaged to Beth. Teddy's just a friend. But now Teddy is in his—their—bed. Curled up. Safe and sound.
Decades later he still hears it in his head. He still dreams about him and his voice. He sometimes feel as if his hands are on him. Keeping him alive. His subconscious keeps him alive. Very alive. Haunting him almost.
"You should. You should propose to Altman"
If only he could see them now. Much later than Dan would have wanted but they did find their way to each other eventually.
He thinks about his mother's engagement ring in his jacket pocket. He's been carrying it around since Allison was born. He will ask her eventually. He will propose. But he's afraid it will never be enough to make up for decades of loving each other and not doing anything about it.
He rolls to his side facing her. He watches her sleep. The steady rise and fall of her chest. He's afraid to ask because he's afraid to hurt her. He loves her. He loves her more than he's ever loved anyone. She's his best friend. But he feels the pressure. He feels that it is a lot to live up to.
He should have done it years ago. After Beth. Even after Cristina.
He is afraid to hurt her because she knows him too well. He is afraid because she will eventually realize how broken he really is. He's afraid because he does not have the best track record. He's afraid because he doesn't want to break her. Their kids. Their family. So for now the ring is in his pocket. And Dan's voice is in his ear.
He quietly gets out of bed because he's restless. He checks on the kids. Fast asleep. Safe. Allison is cocooned safely in her crib. Leo snoring lightly in his, clutching onto his favorite stuffed animal. They're fine. They're all fine and safe. He has nothing to worry about. He's not worried.
He's… there's a lot of anxiety about everything. About not living up to everyone's expectations. About not fulfilling promises. About…failing. He doesn't want to think about these things. But…this is Teddy. She has always had his best interests. He's afraid he can't be that for her even if he wanted to.
He gets himself a bottle of water and paces around their kitchen. Turns on the tv and puts on an old sitcom syndication, not that he's paying attention or anything. His mind drifts back to the desert. There were many sleepless nights. Sometimes he and Teddy would sit under the stars and talk to pass the time. Sometimes other guys would join them. When Dan does it always turns into a poker game. He still remembers teaching Teddy how to play. That someone worked against his favor. That girl had an impressive poker face.
Just like everything else in his life, those easier days turned into heartbreak and losing friends and losing people. And those people they played poker with were suddenly gone. And all of his men were gone. Dan was gone. And Dan died a long and slow death in his arms. And there was blood and so much pain. Some nights he finds himself saying the Hail Mary. Just because he now finds comfort in it the way Dan did. Letting him go was one of his regrets. If he knew help was going to come, he wouldn't have let go.
But the sight of Teddy. On that helicopter. That will stay with him. That burns in his brain.
"Hunt!" She screams over the whirring blades of the helicopter she hates so much.
She jumps out and she kicks the sand running to him. He was still in shock. He was frozen in place. She runs to him, tears streaming down her face. He was so sure she didn't even look around. Their eyes met and she did not let. She just ran to him and knelt next to him and held him. "Owen. Thank god. You're alive. Are you okay? Are you hurt?" She asks, listing questions about his wellness, examining his extremities. He was covered in blood. He was in shock. He can't answer. "Owen." She says sternly. Holding his face. Making him look at her in the eye. "Owen. Are you hurt"
He manages to shake his head. He's actually not sure. He could be, but he spent hours trying to save Dan Mooney that he didn't even bother to check if he's hurt. He doesn't remember saying a word to her. Just remembers being in complete shock. He doesn't remember much. All he remember was Teddy holding him close as they sat by Dan. And she let him feel everything. She let him cry. She let him be angry. She let him grieve their friend.
They sat there frozen and she held him close. His head on her chest. Her arms wrapped around him clinging tightly. They've seen terrible things. But this was beyond that. He doesn't remember what she did or if she cried and screamed and felt things. All he remembered was her arms around him, rocking him, and her saying "You're okay… you're okay.. you're okay" over and over. He's not sure if she's saying it to remind him he's okay or for her as a relief that he's okay. Either way, she was there.
Everyone was moving around them. Transporting bodies, cleaning up. When it was time to move Dan, Teddy held his hand instead and held it close to her chest. He knows she feels Dan's wedding rings between their palms. "You're okay" He doesn't remember much after that. He just remembers being safe in her arms.
"Owen….." He hears, pulling him out of a trance.
He was frozen. Standing in the middle of the room staring blankly at the TV. And he comes back to his senses and Teddy's standing in front of him. Her hands gently on his biceps, rubbing them lovingly. Affectionately. With so much care. It was so delicate. She didn't have to ask what's going on. She knows.
"Hey" She says with a soft smile.
"Hey" He says clearing his throat, taking a step back from her.
"Can't sleep?"
He shakes his head no. She just takes a step closer to him and pulls him in for a hug.
"I'm gonna make hot cocoa… do you want some?"
"I—uh—"
"I'll make enough for two." She says not waiting for his answer.
He knows she's letting him be. Letting him process whatever triggered him. But he can't get Dan out of his mind. He can't shake it off. He sits on the couch and stares at the TV again.
"I Love Lucy?" She says as she sits next to him, handing him a cup of hot chocolate. "Nice"
"Thanks" he mutters.
He glances at her. Her smile glows in the dark room. "Do you want to talk about it?" She offers, but he doesn't tear her eyes away from the tv.
"I—"
"Dan?"
"Mhhm"
She doesn't say anything. She just scoots over and puts her head on his shoulder. He leans his head against her and lefts go of the breath he's holding. They watch the show together. He's not paying attention but she chuckles every now and then.
"We don't have to talk. I know." She says.
"Thank you"
It's that simple. He doesn't ever need to explain himself to her. She doesn't freak out when he's withdrawn. There's a lot of love and understanding and security and comfort between them. He knows she can't talk about it sometimes too. It's not an easy thing to talk about. There is a lot of pain and trauma and inexplicable feelings that come with going through what they've been through. They don't have to talk about it. They know. They also know they'll talk if they're ready and if they can.
He leaves a kiss on top of her head. As a thank you. For not poking. For not pushing. As a thank you for being there when things are not easy.
"You should. You should propose to Altman"
It echoes in his ears as he breathes in her scent. Her scent of lavender and bergamot and her natural Teddy scent.
"Teddy, Marry me" he whispers.
She doesn't respond. His heart beats fast at the lack of it. The silence fills his ear and he panics.
"Teddy" He whispers again. When he looks down he realizes she had fallen asleep.
Tomorrow, then.