Angels - LP

Angels. Teddy was always programmed to believe in them. She grew up in a spiritual household, not necessarily religious, but more like she was raised by people who believed in a higher being. She learned about all different kinds of religion, but never practiced any. Although for a second when she was fourteen, she did think about Buddhism, because she thought it was cool. But angels–she'd like to believe they're around guarding her, guarding the people she loved. They're meant to be messengers. Enlightening celestial beings. When she was a child she had this preconceived notion that angels are these creatures with wings and halo and white robes. Guarding her from harm. In her head, or what she's been told by her grandmother, angels were the reason she did not break a bone when she fell off a tree when she was seven. Your guardian angel caught you, dear. Her grandmother said, soothing her. Her parents, on the other hand, simply said it was pure luck and reprimanded her for climbing too high up when she was unsupervised. But nevertheless, she believed that it was indeed the higher being, white-robe wearing angel that caught her that afternoon.

She grew older. Knew better. But shifted her perspective on what angels actually were. In a metaphorical sense, they could be friends, regular people watching over her. Sweet, kind, virtuous people. People who she considered as angels in her life came and went. Her grandmother, her dad, her mom, her best friend.

But then this guy, so tightly wound up, can't seem to relax, definitely has a metaphorical stick up his ass, came long. Bright red hair. Pale as fuck, that could actually be dangerously blinding in the desert. It's hard to miss him. He had a presence. She watched him from afar, definitely very serious, definitely intriguing. She had no idea what kind of impact he'd have in her life. It started completely professional until they shared an OR. It was serious. It was fast paced. But it was seamless. They understood each other without having to say much. There was an energy. It was electric. Sometimes they didn't have to say anything out loud. They anticipated every move. Then that professional relationship became a friendship. A strictly platonic one. She learned almost right away that he had a fiance at home. Not that she's pining for him in that way, anyway. She's here to heal after all. But then as the days went by, the closer they got.

It was that one incident when it dawned on her that she loved him. That she was deeply, madly, in love with him. He saw her. He understood her. She was having a perfectly normal day. But something triggered her. And suddenly everything felt like spinning. There's ringing in her ear. And it felt like a boulder fell on her chest, constricting her airway. She struggled to catch her breath and her panic seeps in, so she runs outside to catch some air, but the thick air and the sun made it worse. She was afraid. Afraid of what was happening. Afraid of something she can't control. The sun beating down on her. The sweat, cold sweat despite the raging heat, through her shirt. She shuts her eyes closed as she struggles to take a breath. Then she felt a hand on her back. Breathe in for seven. You got this. The voice said. I can't. She chokes out. Yes you can. One. Two. Three….. And she tries. She tries hard. Okay now hold for eight. It was gentle and soothing. Teddy, look at me. She opens her eyes slowly. Afraid of what she's going to see. But she's lost in his eyes. It was like an oasis. ….Six. Seven, Eight. Okay, breathe out for seven. She nods weakly as she slowly breathes out, tears down her face. They do this again a few more times. Their eyes never lose contact. His one hand holding both of her tiny clenched fists. The other on her shoulder. He doesn't panic with her. He was cool and collected. He nods at her encouragingly until her breath evens out. He doesn't prod or demand for an answer. You're okay. You're okay. He says, and pulls her into a hug once she's calmed down, her face buried in his neck. September eleventh. She whispers weakly against his neck. I know. You don't need to explain. I got you. He says, running his fingertips down her back to soothe her.

Your guardian angel caught you, dear. She hears her grandmother's voice still so clearly after all these years.

From that moment, she felt a shift. Eyes linger. Eye contact held a little bit longer than usual. No words were ever spoken about the incident. They never brought it up again, but she noticed him looking longer, or maybe she wanted to believe he's been watching her longer. He cannot be in love with her. Not like she is with him. But she can't unsee the way he's been gazing at her lately. Watching. As if waiting for a moment to swoop in and save her. He has this giant heart and the need to care for others. She's lucky enough to be added to the list of people. But they grew closer. They catch each stare, and one will look away. Sometimes she's convinced there is a soft smile on his face. It doesn't take much for her to fall in love with him. He's there. He cares about her. He's good to her. And damn, he's handsome. And so deeply unavailable. She pushes her feelings aside because she's afraid to lose him. She's grateful to have him around. Someone is always watching over her.

The second time she had a panic attack was someone told her no one had heard from Owen and Dan Mooney. Their radios were down. No one could track them. The thought of losing him was unbearable. The ringing was back. Her vision blurs and her chest constricts. She can't lose him. There's no way she'd survive anything else. She hears his voice in her head. Breathe in for seven. So she tries. Hold for eight. She counts by herself with her eyes shut. Breathe out for seven. She pretends he's still there coaching her. She focuses on breathing. She focuses on the thought of him. She focuses on finding him. She suffered through so much loss. The list is longer than anyone could bear. Once her breath steadies and her mind is cleared she pulls herself together and asks for a helicopter. She's going to do a sweep in the desert. She will find them. She's deathly afraid of helicopters but nothing is scarier than the thought of losing Owen. She will not forget the relief she felt the moment she spotted them and realized that Owen was alive. Everything was blurry but she runs to him and kneels beside him. He was frozen and she holds him tightly. I love you, I love you, I love you…..thank you. Thank god. I love you. She says in relief. She wasn't thinking. It just came out of her mouth. But he was in shock. In so much shock she's pretty sure he did not hear a word she said. She held him until he was ready. She helps him up and holds him until they fly back to the base. She doesn't leave his side. She held his hand. Dan's ring tightly between their palms. She can be his angel too. They will always look out for each other.

When she was released from the military, Owen was the first person she reached out to. Come to Seattle! He responded excitedly, almost immediately. The five exclamation marks in the email did not go unnoticed. I have the perfect job for you. Time to bring the band back together. Or I guess the duo. He added in a separate email. Her angel strikes again. So at least she has somewhere to go. Booking a flight now. All that rain? Sign me up! She is conscious of the punctuations she's using. She doesn't ask too many questions–questions she really wants to ask like are you married now? How's Beth? Are you living the life you've always thought you'll live? Or are you just as fucked up as I am? Waking up from nightmares almost every night. Jumping when hearing loud sounds. So she settled with All that rain?. She rolled her eyes at herself but sent the email anyway. You'll love it. She smiled at his response and thought, of course I will because I will be with you. He wants her near him. That's good enough for her.

When she got to Seattle, there was no Beth, but there was a Cristina. She would be lying if she said she's not gutted that Owen never called her after breaking up with Beth. She's always thought there was something between them. But she guessed she was imagining it. But eventually he admits it. And it was rocky for them. But he's Owen. She's just just going to walk out of his life. And Cristina was….Cristina. It's hard not to love her.

They were back to being friends–kind of. They tried to push the awkwardness aside. Back to platonic. Her friends convinced her to date again. They set her up with Mark Sloan. Notoriously cliched, she knows. It was almost a rite of passage. It was fun. It was good. It was flirty. Once the news got to Owen, they were back to catching each other's eyes, gazing a little too long. This time she knows she's not imagining it. He did love her at some point. So she knows the gazes have their meaning. Is he jealous of Mark? Is he sad she's moving on? She wanted him to be. She wanted him to care. When he found out Mark slept with someone else, he swooped in asking if he could defend her honor. That's just the type of person he is. She secretly enjoyed it, but out loud she said he can stand down. Mostly as a respect to Cristina. But deep inside, it made her melt and feel things. She knows he still cares about her. There are still lingering feelings. That's good enough. That little fling with Mark ended as fast as it started, but no hard feelings for her. Her heart always belonged to Owen, even though his is someone else's.

Owen was shot. She couldn't remember who delivered this news. All she heard was that Owen was shot. She felt her chest tighten, for sure she knew what's coming next, but she's focused on running to his side. Someone stops her. Mark, she remembered that much. He's in good hands. He whispers in her ear, trying to calm her down. You don't know that. She says, the panic bubbling in her chest. You don't know that. She choked out. I know. They told me. He was shot in the shoulder. Bullet went through. Grey and Kepner got him. He's okay. He said calmly, holding her close. Platonically, of course. He's okay? She asked, voice small and quiet. I should be there. She wants to be there. Cristina's got him. She's got him now. The statement hurt more than it should. But it's true.

She runs into him a few days later. Looking seemingly normal, but with a sling. Looking badass with that sling, Hunt. She tries to joke, but it hurts her to see him hurt. Wait 'til you see the scar. He jokes back with a smirk. She just chuckled and moved along. They're going to be fine. That day she went to the cafeteria and met a guy. Andrew. Maybe, just maybe she'll be alright. She will move on from him and from the very slight possibility of being with Owen. The pain will be there. But she'll be okay.

At Owen and Cristina's wedding, she felt a heaviness in her chest after the ceremony. He loved her too. And it pained her to see him choose someone else. She could easily fall into a pit of depression, but she has to move on. She's strong. She's capable. She can move on. She goes outside and sits on the porch swing by herself. Afraid that her mind and body will betray her. She can already hear the vague ringing in her ear. She knows what's coming next. The ringing will get louder. Her chest will constrict. Her vision will blur. So she goes outside to get some fresh air. Away from everyone. Until her breath steadies again. The ringing did not get worse. It stops eventually. Then she can hear people chattering and music playing coming from inside. She closed her eyes and counted her breath anyway. His voice still rings in her ear. She always hears him counting to seven. Sometimes if she really focuses, she can almost still feel his hand on her shoulder gripping tightly. Just like the first time she had a panic attack.

She felt a presence next to her after a few rounds of deep breathing. The porch swing moved ever so slightly. She already knows it's him. You came. He whispers softly. Of course. You're my best friend. That was it. It was that simple. She will always be there for him. He reached out his hand and she took it and gave it a squeeze. I'm happy for you. She was. She was at peace. The best she can do is be happy for him. They stay like that for a while. On the opposite sides of the porch swing. Hands grasping each other in the middle. She can feel his wedding ring against her hand. It reminded her of that night in the desert. When she thought she lost him forever. When they were sitting in the helicopter on the way back. This time it was a different kind of heartbreak. She squeezed his hand and she got up to leave. Night. He said. She just looked back and gave him a smile and convinced herself she's happy for him.

She starts to drift from him then. Not too far away, but far enough emotionally. Things got easier. She met friends. She dated. She was moving on. Henry came. She got married. Henry went. Owen lingered in the background–watching, guarding. She pushed him more and more, but there will always be a nagging feeling of wanting to care for him from afar. She watched from the sidelines as his life crumbled. He watched as hers did. She knew both of them wanted to do something but both of them did not want to push boundaries. And that both of them pushed each other as far as possible. Then he fires her.

You go… and you be great. She's hurt but she knows he's letting her go because she can be so much greater elsewhere. It's not a rejection. He was just looking out for her. And she did. And she was great. She had an opportunity she wouldn't be able to get elsewhere. She had an opportunity to really move on and not base her decisions on Owen. It didn't mean she didn't love him anymore. It just meant that she had to start a life for herself. And it was a good life. She was powerful. She ran things. She proved to herself that she is capable of being great. But she misses him. She wants to call him most of the time to tell him about all the amazing things she's doing. Things he would be so proud of. They still talk to each other–birthdays, holidays, important, life updates. He did call her once crying, talking about how Cristina is pregnant but did not want to have the child. Her heart broke for him. It's all he's ever wanted. She wished she could just fly to his side and hold him. Give him things he wants. She tries not to think about it too much. She moved. He moved on. She's dating again–never anything serious. Just a revolving door of men, mostly to distract herself from Owen. She can't help but imagine a life with him. Getting married. Starting a family. She wonders if they'd have a family by now if he chose her. It doesn't matter anyway, he didn't choose her. Instead she has this beautiful home in Germany, a job that she loves, and friends who support her. So she tried to move on. Tried not to think about Owen anymore.

Until she got a call about Megan. She couldn't believe it at first. She ran to see her. She canceled meetings. Canceled surgery. She had one purpose–and one purpose only. Confirm if it was Megan. Megan was the single most important person in Owen's life. He shared his little sister with her for most of their time in their desert. She was family. Relief washes over her when she saw her. Megan looked better than she expected. She honestly did not know what to expect, but she looked better. She knew Megan was gonna be fine when the biggest smile greeted her. I'm gonna fuck with Owen when I see him, she said with the most hearty laugh. Megan had the best laugh. So Teddy flew to Seattle. One way ticket. She needed to assess the situation. She needed to be there for Owen. Yes, she knew he was married but she needed to be there, at least for a few days. For him. For Megan. For her chosen family. And then she met Amelia. Distant. Cold. Aloof. Definitely hates her. But she doesn't take it personally. She let it go. She moved on. She's not here to steal Owen back. She's here for Megan. For family.

She found Owen in an office hyperventilating. She knew him too well. The seven-eight-seven breathing doesn't work on him anymore–she learned this many years ago after they lost all their guys and Dan. She knew exactly how to help him. Head between your knees, Major. This is a dance they've been doing for decades. It is all too familiar. They comforted each other through every monumental loss in their lives. Don't you have a plane to catch? He asks. She runs her hand through his arm. I'm not going anywhere. Not with him like this. She leans her forehead against his head to comfort him. Breathe in for seven… she whispered softly. He chuckled at the memory and then slowly inhaled. You're okay. You're okay. I'm here. She runs her hands through his hair. She'll always be there for him. She'll always advocate for him. His wife? Who knew where she was.

Where's your wife, Owen? She asks. She didn't mean to be judgmental, but she's genuinely curious why she's not here comforting him. Holding his hand. Keeping him company. He just looked at her. His gaze said so much. She knew he felt relief when they were interrupted. Megan's first major surgery was unsuccessful. She held his hand tightly. Reminding him to breathe. Reminding him that his sister was in great hands. They sit on a gurney in silence. They don't need to say anything to each other. The silence was comfortable. Am I awful? He asks her when he said he was relieved Megan's not going back to Iraq. Yeah. She laughs softly. Pretty awful. She caressed his knee as they shared a laugh. He grabbed her hand and they entwined their fingers. Holding each other's hand tightly. His other hand caressing the top of her hand. She felt another ring this time, she looked at his wedding band as it caught the light.. Another mistake, she thinks to herself selfishly. They held hands in silence for a while.

Hers sandwiched between both of his. I miss this. He said gently. This or me? She knew it was bold of her to ask that. But it just slipped out. Both. That answer was enough for her.

He kissed her. Owen Hunt kissed her. She was looking at the view and she caught him just staring at her. They talked about Amelia. She doesn't want to be married to me. She said… His eyes darted to her lips. She said… He couldn't get the words out and he just leaned in and kissed her. It was good. It was so good. Her reflexes took over, grabbing his face, kissing him back. Knowing it was wrong. But his lips felt good. She's imagined this over and over and over for as long as she can remember. But she had to stop herself. She pulls away. She had to. She will never forget the look on his face. And you… you are my favorite human on the planet. It hurts her to pull away. It hurts her to walk away. And she doesn't want to close any doors. But they cannot start anything like this. So she walked away. Megan was going to be okay. And Owen is going to be okay. Let me stay your favorite person for now and you stay mine, okay? He nodded sadly. It pained her.

We are okay. We are okay. They held hands and sat on the bench in silence for a while. She scooted closer to him and rested her head against his shoulder. I'm going to miss you, Owen. Don't be a stranger, okay? Call. Email. Visit? He squeezed her hand tightly. I want to figure this out. He whispered. You will. But right now, just be here for Megan. Enjoy every second with her. He placed a kiss on top of her head. Her heart skipped a beat. That was a good kiss, Altman. He joked, chuckling sadly. The use of her last name made her feel a lot of different things. Thank you for flying here. He adds. She just made a contented sound in response. She'd do anything for him. It took a lot of courage for her to pull away because that was a good kiss. From her favorite person. Her lips tingled for what seemed like eternity. The ghost of his lips lingered against her for a long time. She cried the entire plane ride home. She wanted a replay button and relive that kiss over and over and over and over and over and over. It took her a while to get over him and now she's going to have to start over again.

He showed up at her doorstep after some time had passed. They spent an entire day making up for all the time they lost by not being brave enough to admit that they've only wanted each other. And an entire night fighting after letting her fears and insecurities take over.

The snow. The snow was for her. The snow was to comfort her. To make her smile. Because he was looking after her. It took him so long to admit that. To tell her that. To admit that he loved her even then. It hurt to kick him out, but he was right. She was afraid of being hurt. She hadn't known anything else but hurt, at that point. He could hurt her eventually.

But the thing about Owen and Teddy is that no matter how hard they push each other away, something always pulls them back to each other. Fuck. Goddamnit, Owen. She cursed the pregnancy test in her hands. She knew she had to be brave. This was both their dream after all.

But there were roadblocks, it turned out. Plenty of roadblocks. Ex-wives. Adopted children. Charismatic neurosurgeons. Global pandemics. But all she wanted was to feel love and ecstasy, the feeling of belonging to a loving family, the feeling of security – things only Owen can give her. So when their daughter makes an appearance, there was no overthinking. No doubts. They chose each other, out of love. Out of… passion.

When did you realize… that you loved me? He asked, the night before their wedding. The actual wedding after much delay. She rested her head on his chest and he ran his fingers through her hair. When I had that panic attack. You taught me how to count. You? She asked, stifling a yawn. Same. Well, maybe a little before that, but I knew at that moment I wanted to spend everyday to make you happy.

Now she's here…standing in the middle of Joe's. Surrounded by family and friends. His sister officiating their wedding, two decades in the making. Her entire life with him flashed before her. This was only the beginning. But she feels at peace. She feels secure. She feels safe. Her guardian angel was all hers. He caught her. He held her in his arms. He vowed to love her for eternity. She takes a deep breath this time and holds it…. Five, six, seven, eight…

Before anything happens, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Kiss for God's Sake.

And exhale. He kisses her and spins her around.

I love you more, I love you more, I love you more. He whispers as he sets her down.