Bits In Between
By Lumendea
Chapter Thirty-Six: The Journal
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or any of the spinoff material, and I gain no income off of this story, just the satisfaction of playing with the characters.
AN: Takes place before The Sacred Flame episode in Unto the Universe.
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Over his incarnations, the Doctor has sometimes kept a journal. The habit comes and goes with regeneration based on the sort of man he is. In his first incarnation, he'd started the habit soon after he left Gallifrey. His second self had enjoyed keeping to the ritual, and in his third body, it had been one of the things that kept him sane on Earth. Many would be surprised to learn in his fourth body, he kept up with a journal, filling several books before regenerating. Then he'd fallen out of the habit for a bit. His seventh self tried to go back and record everything that had happened to his fifth and sixth selves, who hadn't been the sort to keep such records. Of course, his seventh self viewed the memories a bit differently and with more distance. That helped in some cases, but not in others. His eighth self had kept a journal for a long time until near the End of the Time War. At that point, he hadn't thought it would matter.
The Doctor hadn't returned to writing a journal since then. Even in his calmest moments, he was uncertain of his thoughts and unwilling to write down his feelings. Maybe someday, maybe the next him will be more suited to keeping a journal. Or maybe in a couple of regenerations, he'll be the sort of man, who like in this seventh body, catches up their journaling.
Rose has a journal. Well, more correctly, Rose has several journals at this point. She's filled at least three with her thoughts and feelings on her adventures, both on Earth and while traveling with him. It's her habit to write down things that happened and sometimes make little drawings before going to sleep at night. He's found her scribbling away in the library on plenty of nights.
But there is one particular journal that stands out to him. A leather-bound book with golden trim on the edges and rose embossed on the front. It shows signs of age and love. From time to time, he sees her reading from it with soft smiles on her face. He caught a glimpse of it once while it was open and saw a sketch of his own fifth face.
He's curious, but he's never even touched the journal. Rose is so careful. She's not perfect, of course, when it comes to the timelines, but even he doesn't always manage foreknowledge perfectly. He knows that future incarnations of him will meet Rose when she's younger, and the information is likely tucked away in that journal. Theirs is a complex relationship, and he's often torn between wishing they were in sync with no secrets and being grateful that Rose came aboard the TARDIS so aware of him and his history. There is so much that he's happy she understands, especially about the Time War, that he'd never be able to tell her. Apparently, someday he'll manage the task.
The Doctor fears the journal in a way. It is a symbol of his future and Rose's past. That's dangerous. If Gallifrey was still around, there'd be plenty of worry about that. Crossing your own timeline is dangerous, but it seems that he's woven his timeline around Rose. Or maybe she wove hers around his. If he read the journal, so much would lock into place. Things wouldn't happen because he wanted them to, but because they had to.
Of course, they still have to for Rose. That's the oddity they live in, and he's often surprised how easy it is to live in. Rose is human, he'll lose her someday, but at least he knows that he'll see her again. It's oddly comforting even as he fears it. He fears the day that he has to pick up that journal when Rose is gone and learn the script that needs to play out. Not because he resents the task of fulfilling the timelines, but because he'll have to walk away. He'll need to take that journal when Rose is gone and play it out and leave Rose behind once more.
No, the Doctor doesn't touch the journal. He doesn't try to see what Rose has written. The Doctor gives her space whenever Rose pulls out that journal. When the TARDIS combines their rooms, and he surrenders to loving her, he takes note of where Rose keeps the journal and then does his best not to think about it. The day he'll need to read it will come too quickly as it is. Until that day, it's better out of sight and out of mind.